Top Gear (series 14)

Series 14

November 15th, 2009 [14.1]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight, James gets lost in a Lamborghini . Richard drives over a bridge in a Ferrari. And I wear a small hat in an Aston Martin.

[Talking about what would be the best car to take on a Grand Tour of Europe]

Richard: What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage.

Jeremy: Exactly, like the Aston.

Richard: Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000.

Jeremy: Yes.

Richard: And it's the slowest to 60mph.

Jeremy: Yes.

Richard: And it's got the smallest top speed.

Jeremy: Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE, [emphasizing the difference in height between himself and Hammond] is better.

[About Romania]

Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.

Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

[In the Romania road trip, connecting the Bluetooth systems of the cars]

Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...

Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.

Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.

Onboard computer voice: You may have...

Richard: Yes, yes, yes.

Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...

Richard: PLEASE STOP!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, Hammond's Ferrari had decided all on its own to make a telephone call.

Onboard computer voice: Selected. Calling: Vernon Kay now.

Richard: What? Vernon-

Onboard computer voice: Is this correct?

Richard: Why are you calling Vernon Kay?

[sound of call being placed]

Richard: Why are you doing that?

Vernon Kay: Hello?

Richard: Vernon?

Vernon: Who are you?

Richard: [awkwardly] Hello mate, it's Richard Hammond.

[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]

Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.

[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]

Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...

Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!

Richard: What's that?! Wha...?

James: That's the Dacia Sandero!

Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.

James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!

Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

[making their way along a narrow country lane]

Richard: Do we know that this is the right way?

Jeremy: Ah, sorry, Hammond I'm just following May.

Richard: You do know what you've just said, don't you?

[when being mobbed by children trying to leave a village]

Jeremy: We wanted to hit James over the head with a hammer, but the kids beat us to it.

James: [being hit by a child with a rubber hammer] Ow, ow, ow...

[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]

Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?

Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.

James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

[Talking about the Porsche Boxster Spyder's "clever" gearbox]

Richard: And it's that fast because it's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*

Jeremy: Is it German?

Richard: It's a German name, it's really complicated..

Jeremy: Oh God..

Richard: So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T... R.. I, E, B.. E.

[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]

Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.

James: I do.

Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?

James: Aber ja, natürlich Hans ist nass, er steht unter dem Wasserfall.

Jeremy: What's that mean?

James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."

Richard: Ok...

[Audience laughs]

James: I use it all the time.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.

James: You mean the Stig.

Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!

November 22nd, 2009 [14.2]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight, James drives a milk float. Richard says "look out" backwards. And I cut my finger on some aluminium.

[on first sight of Geoff]

Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.

Richard: I feel like the Pope with his head in a box.

Jeremy: Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -

Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.

Jeremy: Do you know what we've done? We've made something worse than a G-Wiz.

[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]

Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Stainless!

Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.

James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.

Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.

[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]

Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!

[...]

James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO₂. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO₂. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.

Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]

James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.

Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -

James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.

Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.

James: Yeah.

Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?

James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -

Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.

[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]

Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?

Jeremy: Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -

Richard: Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.

Jeremy: [facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.

Richard: Earlier on, we built an electric car called Geoff, and he was... a disaster. And I'm not one to apportion blame, but it was entirely James's fault.

[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]

Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?

[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]

James: Yeah.

[subtitle: yes]

Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.

[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]

Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?

[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]

Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!

[subtitle: And I am a short arse]

Jeremy However, before you can do that [offer a car for sale to the public], it must pass a series of stringent EU tests. So we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top-secret proving ground, just off the A5 between Atherstone and Hinckley, near Fenny Drayton.

[Attempting to get their home-made car road certified]

Jeremy: Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.

[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]

Jeremy: Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.

Director: Action!

Jeremy: Wow!

James: Wow!

Richard: Wow!

[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]

Richard: Tuo kool!

Jeremy: So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.

[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]

Richard: [slurred] Look out!

[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]

Richard: Wow?

James: Wow?

Jeremy: Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!

[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]

Jeremy: James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?

James: Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.

[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]

Jeremy: So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.

James: Yeah.

[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]

[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]

Jeremy: What's happened there is...

Richard: Well, the Stig's died.

[reading the issue of Autocar magazine in which the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust is reviewed]

Richard: Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."

[audience laughs]

Jeremy: Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.

[audience laughs]

Richard: Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?

Jeremy: It's ridiculous.

James: [reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."

[audience laughs]

Richard: ########!

James: What do people who review cars actually know?

Jeremy: Exactly.

James: I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—

Jeremy: [scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..

James: —write rubbish!

Richard: Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!

November 29th, 2009 [14.3]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.

[Talking about the Gallardo Balboni]

Richard: According to Top Gear research, 37% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!

[At Norwich airport]

Police helicopter: ...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.

James: I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.

[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]

Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...

[during the news]

Jeremy: Now, I don't know the papers this week, but a woman had a baby, while on her way to hospital in a Kia, OK? Now they've called the baby....Kia. [growing laughter from the audience]

Richard: Could've been worse, it could've been Proton! [laughter]

Jeremy: Because these people, called their baby Kia, Kia, the people who make the cars have actually given them a Kia car. We've got a picture of the handover [image is displayed on screen]. Now this brings onto a very important Top Gear Top Tip. If you're on your way to hospital, in labour and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out! [laughter from Richard and the audience]

Richard: Let the child be christened 'Skip', 'Bus Stop', 'Phone Box', anything, just get out.

Jeremy: I christen this child, 'Doorway of Curries'. Because at lease you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that!

Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there—20 miles—which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just— [mimes punching someone] —bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!

James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.

Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.

James: No, but if everybody does 70—

Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!

James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.

Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.

James: It is logic.

Jeremy: It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.

James: No it isn't.

Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.

James: Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway—

Jeremy: What, is it black or white?

James: —is an absolute.

Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."

Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?

Jeremy: No, cube their heads!

Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.

Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!

James: It's not five minutes anyway.

Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute— anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here—Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!

[The man joins Jeremy]

Jeremy: Congratulations for—

Jesus: Thank you.

Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?

Jesus: No, I go the back way.

Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?

Jesus: Yeah.

Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?

Jesus: Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.

Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's—

Jesus: Each way.

Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?

Jesus: Yeah.

Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!

Jesus: That's right.

Richard: Now that is a small point, that—

Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.

["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]

Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

[riding in a Lancia which is slowly losing pieces of the bodywork]

Jeremy: You need to define greatness, and that's the important thing. And just because something's unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Stephen Hawking... great bloke, even though a lot of him doesn't work.

Richard: Yeah. I wouldn't break it to him like that, but the principle stands, yeah it does.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!

December 6th, 2009 [14.4]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight! We drive down a sewer. We power-slide across a field. And we do some other things as well.

[opening a segment]

Jeremy: What if you're mad? What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome by an uncontrollable urge to lick it?

[laughter]

[Describing the new BMW X5 M]

Jeremy: The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.

[Also on the BMW X5 M]

Jeremy: This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]

Jeremy: And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!

Richard: Wow! Wow!

James: Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?

Jeremy: Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.

Richard: You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!

Jeremy: No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!

[On the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!

[Talking with Guy Ritchie]

Jeremy: Now obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. Can I just say? This isn't Loose Women. So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear and I'm more interested in your love of winching. [to audience] No, I'm not kidding, ok. You like - what's it called? Off-green-laning? Off-roading?

Guy: Green-laning and a bit winching. There's nothing like a good winch. As you know, It's a thing. I mean, it's quite a nerdy undertaking.

Jeremy: No, no, but there is. Because there are people who deliberately get stuck... [Guy smiles and nods] Don't tell me you're one of those? So you winch yours- you do don't you?

Guy: I mean, if you're into winching, you get stuck.

Jeremy: And so then you can get out - winch yourself out?

Guy: Yeah, well, if you don't get stuck you can't winch, so you deliberately look to get stuck.

Jeremy: I just find that fasci- cause what's the big appeal of winching a car?

Guy: It doesn't make any sense at all. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? But I gotta tell ya - it's a lot of fun. I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching.

December 20th, 2009 [14.5]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight! I get scared half to death on our track. We host our own arts exhibition, and the world champion is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[testing the Noble M600]

Jeremy: This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!

Jeremy: Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Aston Martin Rapide]

James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.

[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]

Jeremy: MY EYES!

[Richard laughs]

Richard: You cretin!

Jeremy: [also laughing] I'm blind!

James: Look at this! It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other!

Richard: [Pointing at James] And the best thing is, there is another spanner in the middle, look!

[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]

James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?

Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.

Jeremy: Why does everything always get broken in our Christmas thing?

[David Coulthard and Jeremy's painting-with-an-F1-car experiment ends with Jeremy being hit in the testicles by high-speed paintballs and collapsing to the ground screaming]

Jeremy: ARGH! Argh, God! My plums!

David: I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.

David: You sprayed my helmet!

Jeremy: You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!

David: Can we edit the spin out?

Jeremy: Yes, we can edit that out.

David: You promise?

Jeremy: Right, red for the blood.

Richard: Erm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.

Jeremy: How'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)

Richard: [voiceover] For our final creation, we had to cut a car in half, which meant using a dangerous plasma cutter. That meant we had to take precautions.

[cut to Clarkson, bound to a chair with a massive amount of tape]

Jeremy: I could help.

James: You can't do this with a hammer.

Richard: That's exactly why you're taped to a chair.

Jeremy: This is like a scene out of Reservoir Dogs.

Richard: Don't give us ideas.

Jeremy: Guys?

Richard: What?

Jeremy: Where did you find that car?

Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.

Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.

[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]

[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]

Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!

[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]

Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!

[During half-time, the presenters have returned to change their football shirts after James May made a mistake by giving them Newcastle shirts as it was a Middlesbrough vs Nottingham match]

Jeremy: We apologise for that terrible mistake, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery, we have Ferreris, Lamborghinis, Richard Hammond's Land Rover!

[The spectators cheer]

Jeremy: Oh and there's one more thing, Nottingham, you can't come!

Jeremy: [voice over] The away supporters responded with good grace...

[Richard Hammond was expecting items to be thrown at them, but was amused when the Nottingham supporters jokingly chant "You fat #######!", directed by Jeremy Clarkson]

December 27th, 2009 [14.6]

Listed as the Top Gear: Bolivia Special

January 3rd, 2010 [14.7]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight, the stupidest car in the world. A Vauxhall you might actually like. And who has won what in the Top Gear awards ceremony?

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an Allen key. And that his new year's resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.

Richard: No, it's actually December, December 9th.

Jeremy: Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.

Richard: This is the past.

Jeremy: This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]

James: The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]

[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]

James: So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out — this year.

Jeremy: This year. This year.

Richard: Yes!

James: A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.

Jeremy: Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.

Richard: Oh god, which is a real possibility!

Jeremy: Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.

James: Yeah.

Richard: Cover yourself.

James: [cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say —

Jeremy: No, they said.

James: What?

Jeremy: They said.

James: Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ₤25,000. It looks great.

Jeremy: You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?

James: Because they've gone bust. [laughter] But if they haven't, then it is a very good question, because I do actually quite like a Saab. They're just, you know, just a little bit alternative and they tend to be driven by quite interesting people.

Richard: Ah, well there you go, that's why he hasn't got one.

[while fastest Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Brian Johnson gives his acceptance speech in the monitor]

Brian Johnson: Thanks very much for this wonderful honour and for this fabulous trophy. [chuckles] You must have spent a fortune on this! [points to the trophy name plate] My name's Brian, not "Brain". And that's an ice hockey player on top of there, look, but never mind. This'll do me for now. So have a great time at Christmas and I'll see you soon, guys. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.

Jeremy: Brain Johnson!

Richard: Well, I'm sorry.

Jeremy: That's the worst thing we've ever done.

Richard: It was cheap. It was cheap.

[During the Golden Cock Award]

Jeremy: There was the time when James May, whilst following the Range Rover camera car, somehow managed to lose sight of it for a moment and then start following an entirely different Range Rover. And he failed to notice for an hour that it didn't have a camera crew in it and was in fact nothing to do with Top Gear at all.

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Top Gear (series 14)