Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?
James: We had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Richard: Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Jeremy: Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!
[on the sound of the McLaren's engine]
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!
[on the Audi R8]
Jeremy: So, a Top Gear Top Tip: if you've been affected by the fuel crisis, this is the supercar to buy!
Richard: Yes, but the thing is the BBC saw that film and they said we'd been stupid. And they said we had to do something for...the normal person. And, well, [points at Clarkson] it was 'im again...
[Jeremy has suggested that they steal a fuel tanker]
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home! [audience laughs]
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
James: There's a very good sign near where I live, actually, that says "Changed Priorities Ahead". And it's absolutely right, 'cause I was driving down there the other day and I thought to myself, "I'll work harder and pay my mortgage off and be secure in my old age," and then I went past the sign and after another 10 or 20 yards I thought, "No, I'm gonna go to the pub."
Jeremy: No, seriously, if you go to Korea, don't order a cauliflower cheese, because it won't be what you think.
[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Jeremy: Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
James: No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Jeremy: Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
James: Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Richard: I don't know what you two are saying now.
Jeremy: No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard: [looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Jeremy: Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Jeremy: They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.
[On the Ferrari F430 Scuderia]
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[During Top Gear Stuntman's first record attempt to jump cars in reverse]
James: If you've just tuned in, you may be thinking, 'Oh no, he's facing the wrong way!'. But no, he is about to enter the history books...in reverse.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Our argument was then brought to a shuddering halt.
James: Oh it is!
Jeremy: It's not!
[Jeremy and James laughing at Richard Hammond's Suzuki Vitara]
Jeremy: Officer Barbie has arrived!
[both carry on laughing]
Richard: Yeah! Well, they all run around in Range Rovers...
Jeremy: This is the police, not a hair dressing salon!
James: How's this going to look when you pull up outside someone's house to tell them that... their husband's just been killed in an industrial accident?
(N.B. Jeremy's car's paint scheme was actually based on that of the Italian State Police, not the Carabinieri - although real Polizia di Stato cars presumably don't say "IT'S THE FILTH" in reversed letters, "ECNALUBMA"-style, on the bonnets.)
[reading his police slogan]
Jeremy: "In jail no one can hear you scream" - scary.
James: All you're going to do with this [indicates Jeremy's rear-wheel spike attachments] is generate headlines: "POLICE CHOP MORE PEOPLE'S FEET OFF".
[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
[upon Richard's arrival]
Jeremy: The Pet Cop Boys are here. No, wait. [reads Richard's car-door graphic]The Police.
Richard: Yeah, well, the police are coming... [indicates door] "The Police".
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.
Jeremy: Tonight, and for one night only, we've accidentally made a show all about cars.
[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
Jeremy: This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.
[on the Mitsubishi Evo X]
Jeremy: I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.
Jeremy: In the olden days, it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza, it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but uh... but now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and... [laughs]] I don't know enough about football. Um... what team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?
Cameraman: [offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
Jeremy: Nottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]
[on the Subaru again]
Jeremy: Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.
[on the Evo X again]
Jeremy: This is not an Egyptian's khazi.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Ooh, Stig seems to have got into Elton John - [realizing what he said] - not literally of course!
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
Richard: I've got three options for the ride settings: sport, dynamic, or [comfort is shown on-screen] ... "James May".
[To the skiers before the race]
Richard: [speaking French] Hit the ham!
[reviewing the Mercedes-Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: [voiceover] In fact, this car is so fast and so mad it was even delivered with a warning letter from the people who made it.
Jeremy: I've been road-testing cars nearly twenty-five years now and that has never happened before, but I've got it here [holds up letter] and it says, "Ensure the oil is warm before driving enthusiastically." [looks guilty] Well, it will be now. "The car is savage. It's very aggressive and racy in its setup" — this is Mercedes themselves. "On anything other than dry roads it is extremely lively, quite tail happy even under partial throttle. The traction control must stay on." Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]
[on the Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
James: The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
James: They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
James: The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
Jeremy: Nice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...
[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]
Jeremy:[On James' 2.0 litre GTV] Why didn't you get the V6?
James: It's not as good.
James: No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
Jeremy: Of course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
Jeremy: And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.
[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
Richard: Recovering the seats, brilliant. I've taken...
Jeremy: Out of what?
Richard: Your jacket.
Jeremy: YOU! That is my jacket!
[During their trip to the Concours, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Richard: Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
[Richards Alfa Romeo Spyder can be heard failing to start with him looking over at the engine]
[Jeremy can be heard laughing while the spyders engine starts dying]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.
[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
Jeremy:[voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
[At Alfa Romeo concours, talking to other contestant about his polished Alfa]
Richard: As a man of God, you'd take it badly if I were to, let's say, key it.
[Discussing their concours ratings]
Jeremy: James, what did you get?
James: Out of a possible 150 points, 74.
Jeremy: 74! That's nearly a pass! I got 23.5. Yeah! Which was the lowest score ever recorded in concours history.
[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
Jeremy: Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
James: The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Jeremy: Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...
[on the Audi Q5]
Richard: Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.
[Richard goes on explaining the Q5, saying Audi put in the Q7 and set it at 75%.]
Jeremy: Have your mum and dad got a photocopier?
[James laughs followed by the audience.]
Richard: Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%
Jeremy: [mocking] 60!?
Richard: Yes, all right! Moving on...
Jeremy: [Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
Jeremy: See, the thing is about all Japanese cars —
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese, that means "Go straight for a while."]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!
[on his provided Japanese snacks]
Jeremy: That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
Richard: You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
Jeremy: It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
James: Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
Jeremy: No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"
[on The Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!
[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.
[During the news on Chrysler's move on installing WiFi on its production vehicles]
Jeremy: Will you be able to check your e-mails?
Jeremy: Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?
Richard: Well, they did say it's for passengers only.
Jeremy: Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
(Audience laughs as an explicit picture is shown in the TV screens)
Richard: (Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.
James: The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Jeremy: Great [quickly] Now...
[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].
[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Jeremy: Children come out of the womb faster than that!
[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
James: What was yours?
Jeremy[hands his bill over to James]: Read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James[meets him with disbelief]: Ehhh?! Fifty-.. [bursts out laughing] I misread that at first - fifteen thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]
[after several failed attempts, Jeremy and James head to a multi-story to park their cars]
James: [voiceover] This was great. They take your money, however it comes and in return, you get spaces.
[Jeremy reverses into a parking space]
Jeremy: Yes! I am in, I'm parked. [he goes to open his door, but due to the width of his car, he's very close to the car next to him and can't] Ah. [he tries the other door, but can't open that either because it's too close to the wall] Oh, no! I can't-- I can't get out! [voiceover] And James couldn't get in.
James: [he's having trouble getting into another space] Doesn't fit.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Which was making everyone very cross. [other cars start honking their horns] Shut up! OK, fine! You want to have a horn race? READY, STEADY--! [he blasts his horn, which is very loud. The camera goes out to a wide aerial shot of London to emphasise the sound of the horn] Now that's a horn!
James: [voiceover] And it got us thrown out.
Jeremy: There is only one way we can settle this. [pointing to a board with two lists of names] So what I've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose: Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery... remember, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." ... and James May. ...What do they all have in common?
James: What you're trying to say is that because I've got a Corniche, I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits, is that it?
Jeremy: That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!
James: Right, okay, fair enough. [points to the second, much longer list of names on the board] Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are—
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute. [a reference to Elvis Presley]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or camp commandant.
Jeremy: [he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.
[After Clarkson was caught by the hunt and cues back to the studio]
Richard: Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.
James: D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
[Richard crashes his Bowler Nemesis]
Jeremy:[over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!
Richard: Oh this, I'm gonna get grief for this now. This is not good.
James: [German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.
Jeremy: It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Richard: [quietly] Do we have to use James?
Jeremy: Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.
Richard: But he's gonna lose... badly.
[Upon seeing the Stig was leading at the final corner]
Richard: Stiii- [realizing] Jaaames!
[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.