Top Gear (series 12)

Series 12

November 2nd, 2008 [12.1]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.

[At the beginning of Jeremy's GT2 review]

Jeremy: AAAAaaAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAaaAAaaAaAaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

[Stops the GT2 and gets out]

Jeremy: [voiceover] And that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.

Richard: How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?

Jeremy: [pause] I knew you were gonna say that...

Richard: What, all of it?

[starting the news]

James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...

Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.

James: Yeah, where is he anyway?

Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...

Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...

[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]

[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]

Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?

Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...

[During the news, mocking last series' news joke.]

Jeremy: James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...

James: The what?

Jeremy: The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!

James: Oh. Now...

[on a Citroën camper conversion]

Jeremy: And it only has one bed!

James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.

[on The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[commentating on The Stig's Power Lap in the Lamborghini]

Jeremy: He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.

The Stig: [in Morse code] Strictly is crap.

[...]

The Stig: [in Morse code] I love cheese.

[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]

James: It's um... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. They also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit... so you couldn't sleep in it. Um... it's the uh...

Jeremy: [to Richard] He doesn't know anything! [laughs]

Richard: What colour is it, James?

James: What have you got then?

Jeremy: A lorry!

James: What sort?

Jeremy: ... A big one!

Richard: Well clearly!

[Also during the truck challenge]

Richard: I have this!

Jeremy: What is it?

Richard: It's an, it's an Erf!

[Reading the first challenge]

Jeremy: In less developed countries such as Australia and America, people like to decorate and personalise their lorries. You will now go away and do the same.

Jeremy: [Looking at his lorry] I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint...

Jeremy: [Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.

James: What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.

Richard: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

Jeremy: [Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.

[on The Stig's "Lorry-driving cousin"]

Jeremy: Some say his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!

[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]

Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.

Paramedic: Right, okay.

James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

[During the lorry race]

James: Does understeer, this lorry.

Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!

[Richard's cargo (an unsecured car) has fallen out of the back of his lorry in transit]

Richard: I'll be honest... I don't.. I think, like the headlamps, taillamps— 'cause I heard a clunk at that end and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. Headlights are gonna be smashed to bits... I daren't look... [May looks inside] Yes I know. It's bad, I'm sorry.

James: It's worse than that.

[Richard and James looking in the empty trailer]

Richard: Is that bad for my points?

James: Yeah. But more to the point, where is it?

Richard: [grimacing guiltily] Don't know...

[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]

Richard: How can we be this rubbish?

Jeremy: ...So anyway, how was your car?

James: Car's...

Richard: Stolen! That's what it is, I've just thought of it now: stolen. The damnedest thing.

[During the lorrying speed test]

Jeremy: Eat my Magnum!... Yeah!

Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.

Jeremy: [Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.

Richard: What do they mean by "obstacles"?

Jeremy: Doesn't say.

[pause]

James: What sort of pies?

November 9th, 2008 [12.2]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.

[During Abarth review.]

Jeremy: [VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.

[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]

Jeremy: I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]

Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.

The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.

The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.

[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]

Jeremy: [point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?

Richard: Yeah, he is.

James: Yeah.

Jeremy: He is, ah okay.

[during the news]

James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.

Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...

Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!

Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?

James: Because I like it.

Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.

James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?

Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size—is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?—So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?

James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.

Richard: He does have a point there. He does...

Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!

Richard: Let's move on!

[during the news]

Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One — it's coming home, as we like to think about it — TO THE BBC!

[audience cheers]

Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job — who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker — is Richard Hammond.

Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!

Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.

Richard: Err... no, actually!

Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!

Richard: No, I was driving home.

Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?

Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!

Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.

Richard: [playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.

Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.

James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

[Introducing the main segment]

James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.

Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.

Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American — the U.S. state department no less — has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.

James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised — this isn't a lie is it?

Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...

Richard: This is for real.

James: — if we promised not to be entertaining.

Jeremy: Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!

Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?

Jeremy: No.

Richard: Just a tiny—

Jeremy: No!

[they set off]

Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!

[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]

Jeremy: Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir—

[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]

Richard: What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?

Jeremy (narrating): James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.

[The radio is playing "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers (AKA The "Top Gear" theme).]

James: (pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.

[Cut to Jeremy driving and also hearing the theme.]

Jeremy: On tonight's programme... (laughs)

Richard: Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco to the Speed Week Drag Races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems: we've got visas which allow us to be factual, not entertaining; Jeremy has met a policeman; and James hates his car. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.

[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]

Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.

[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]

Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.

[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]

James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!

Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?

James: I know it's you!

Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?

Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!

Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!

Jeremy: Where's May?

James: Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]

Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]

[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]

James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

November 16th, 2008 [12.3]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.

[During the news]

Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!

James: What the hell are you on about?

Jeremy: It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

[during the news]

Jeremy: That jacket... how big was the bet?

Richard: Pretty big.

James: I wondered if I might be, in some way, a bit Finnish myself. I don't like noisy people, so does that make me Finnish, d'you think?

Mika Häkkinen: Yes.

James: At home, I quite like to have the spanners in my toolbox in order of size so that I can always find the right one — is that quite Finnish?

Häkkinen: Yes it is, very much. Personally that's what I do, if you're talking about the toolbox, and everything has to be very organized.

James: I quite like to have the air vents on my car all pointing the same way, exactly. Is that Finnish?

Häkkinen: Uhh...no.

[James is taking part in a folk race in Finland]

James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!

James: I've passed the BMW. That was an overtake! On a Finnish person! She's only twelve, but that's not the point...

[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2 litre V8 powered food blender]

Jeremy: It needs a name.

Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip. A Quick One 'Round the Back of the Dustcart.

[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]

Jeremy: I think he likes it!

James: I've got the name for it.

Jeremy: What?

James: The Bloody Awful!

Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?

Richard: Yeah.

Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.

Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!

Jeremy: I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh] Look, I'm not giving up on this V8 idea, okay. Next week... old people.

Richard: You can't blend old people!

Jeremy: No! You know the Stannah stairlift? Very slow. How about a V8 Stannah stairlift? The old lady, she'll be on the bog in half a second.

[on the Renault Avantime]

Richard: [voiceover] Introduced in 2002, the Avantime was a monumental failure. Only 435 were sold in Britian, before it was dropped from the price list after just 18 months. Weirdly however, it's one of the few cars ever made that us three all like.

Jeremy: Why don't we just put nitrous on it?

Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?

Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.

Richard: Because?

Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...

Jeremy: [voiceover] With our weight-shedding completed, I went to ask James about his suspension...which was a mistake.

James: The springs are stiffer and the dampers can be adjusted so that the rate of compression and rebound changes. That helps, if you alter that very very finely, you can keep the tire in contact with the road more of the time. The instant the weight goes off or the tire bounces up, you lose grip, which will lower your cornering speed, and we know that cars are faster wh-[Clarkson starts to walk away] You asked!

[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]

Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do—I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet—

James: Back to the studio.

Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]

[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]

Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...

Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!

[The Stig is driving their modified Avantime around the track]

Jeremy: Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!

November 23rd, 2008 [12.4]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.

[Starting up the show]

Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...

[Describing the Zonda Roadster F]

James: That is the Zonda F Roadster. [voiceover] And in the already insane world of Pagani, this one has its own special padded cell.

[During the track test of the Zonda Roadster F]

James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.

[After a few spin offs]

James: [voiceover] With a little practise, I got the hang of it.

[Cut to The Stig wearing James' jumper driving the Zonda]

James: [voiceover] I think I know what to do at this point...

[mimicking Jeremy's catchphrase]

James: POWEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[After testing the Zonda Roadster F]

James: Now the office say they have another car to try on the track but I shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. [Looks in the distance] Funny.

[Cuts to the Veyron]

[Standing in front of the Bugatti and Zonda]

James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.

[After Jeremy has shown him clips of his practise in the Zonda]

James: I know what the problem is: it's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!

[during the news]

Richard: Jeremy?

Jeremy: Yeah?

Richard: The slippers?

Jeremy: Yeah?

Richard: Are they a bet?

Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.

[During Pagani Zonda Lap.]

Jeremy: This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.

[during the news]

James: Oh! Big news!

Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?

James: [confused] ...No, erm...

[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]

Richard: Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...

Jeremy: [interrupts] A what?

Richard: There's a German panel of seat experts.

Jeremy: And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.

Richard: Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.

[during the news]

Jeremy: Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?

Richard: Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.

Jeremy: [to a man in the audience] What?

Man: [faintly]: Ice.

Jeremy: Ice.

[audience laughs and applauds]

James: Ice?

Richard: He got us out of it.

Jeremy: Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.

[introducing the one-tank Basel to Blackpool race]

Jeremy: That's 750 miles of careful driving. That's not a race, that's my idea of hell!

James: It's my idea of heaven.

[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]

Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!

Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.

[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'

Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the #### comes out of their mouths, see.

Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with #### coming out of their mouths!"

[James' first time introducing The Stig]

James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...

Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!

Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.

[during the Basel to Blackpool race]

Jeremy (voiceover): And then: disaster!

Richard: Here I come!

[Hammond's Volkswagen Polo BlueMotion slowly overtakes Jeremy's Jaguar, shortly before Jeremy calls Richard's phone]

Richard: It's funny you should call. I've just seen someone who looks just like you; in a Jaguar doing about fifty-six miles an hour!

Jeremy: I am not going to race you.

Richard: Really?

Jeremy: Nope. I am going to sit behind you and watch you fail!

November 30th, 2008 [12.5]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.

[About The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]

The Stig: [in Morse code] Too many gears.

The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.

[During the news]

Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: No?

Richard: No.

[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]

Richard: [about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?

James: It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.

Jeremy: Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.

Richard: But whenever I see them — those women driving those cars — I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.

Jeremy: It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer—a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius—not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.

[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]

Richard: You all right?

James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.

Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?

James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.

[...]

Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."

[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]

Richard: All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?

[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond]

Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.

[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]

Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!

Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!

Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.

[during the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy asks the audience about the Morgan Aeromax]

Jeremy: Do you find him attractive?

Woman in the audience: I came with them.

Richard: Is everybody all together?

Woman in the audience: He brought me...

Jeremy: What the hell accent's that?

Woman in the audience: [blushing] I'm American...

Jeremy: You're American? You can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough!

[audience laughs]

Jeremy: You're American? Welcome [shakes her hand]... Welcome to the free world, you'll like it here.

[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to guess what car people drive from the shoes they wear]

[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]

Jeremy: OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT— oh, hello James.

[A little later]

Jeremy: This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.

James: Richard Hammond?

Jeremy: No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?

James: Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.

Richard: Yes, alright, funny, funny.

Jeremy: Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!

Richard: I am! Thank you, very much.

December 7th, 2008 [12.6]

[During the opening sequence]

Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?

[about The Stig]

Richard: Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[At the start of the news]

James: And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]

Richard: Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.

[Jeremy pulls a sad face]

Richard: Yeah, yeah, whatever...

Jeremy: [Croakily] Can I just say...

Richard: Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.

[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]

Richard: Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?

[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]

Richard: What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?

Jeremy: It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.

Richard: Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!

Jeremy: You can shut up for a kick off as well.

James: What?

Richard: What noise is that you're making?

Jeremy: [Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.

Richard: Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!

Jeremy: I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] — excuse me — why don't we do the news?

[later in the news]

James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.

Jeremy: Revs?

James: Revs, yeah.

Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!

James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.

Jeremy: You what?

James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old — I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...

Richard: You worked that out? For — your — car? You spent time — WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do — what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?

James: It's alright.

Jeremy: Richard — I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.

Richard: There's your answer!

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminium, and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The West hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminium has the same braking properties really as... cheese. [skids round a corner] Slow down, you #####! God almighty.

[on the Riva]

James: I thought so.

Jeremy: What?

James: A rev counter.

Jeremy: Yes?

James: You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.

Jeremy: Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.

James: You've got wipers on your headlights!

Jeremy: They don't work.

James: That's not the point! It's aspirational!

[On the ZAZ-968's ice-fishing hatch]

Jeremy: Not even a Maybach has this!

[on the Wartburg, from E. Germany]

Jeremy: When they made a rally version of this, they had to fit uprated brakes, which they got from an Austin Maxi. How bad do the standard brakes have to be for a Maxi's to be better?!

Jeremy: It's cold, the track's too pockmarked, it's bumpy....now,I'll be driving the Morris Marxist and you shall be in the...what is it?

James: The Lenin 1.6 SLX.

Jeremy: Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.

James: And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.

Jeremy: [after forcing James to drive off a cliff] Good-bye, Mr. May!

Jeremy: Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.

[beat]

Jeremy: Anyway...

Jeremy: In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.

[on the GAZ Chaika]

Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!

[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]

James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter — 'cause it was so smooth — to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!

[driving the Niva]

James: Does this mean we've actually found a Communist car we like?

[the Niva's engine cuts out and Jeremy is unable to re-start it]

Jeremy: No!

[Introducing Jeremy's road test of the Ford Fiesta]

Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly any more? Have you forgotten how?".

James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.

Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.

[referring to a diesel version of the Fiesta]

Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-

Jeremy: [deadpan] Certainly will easily do 70 mph which is what I'm doing now, and that's the maximum speed you can go in Britain, so that's good... is this thorough enough for you, Mr. Needham?

[discussing the entry-level model]

Jeremy: Do you want that one, though? Really? Honestly? A basic model? Because I bet that's also shi-

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I go to a shopping centre and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?

[There follows a sequence of Clarkson in the Fiesta being chased through the interior of a shopping mall and its parking structure by a Corvette]

Jeremy: I'm now breaking the speed limit... INDOORS!

Jeremy: I've got 120 horsepower in this. You don't want any more than that on marble.

Jeremy: The Corvette is stuck in British Home Stores! Turning circle: not good enough.

[Q: Can I afford it?]

Jeremy: Prices start at around £8500, but you need £11000 to get a decent, mid-range model, so if you have £11000 to spend on a car, then yes you can. But if you've only got 40p, then... no... y-you can't.

[Q: Is it green?]

Jeremy: Yes. Very.

[We see the Fiesta in the background. It is, indeed, painted green.]

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I am asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?

[There follows a sequence of Clarkson being transported to a beach on a marine troop landing craft. During the sequence, there are three marines in the car with Clarkson, and comments are made relating to how easy it is to shoot from out of the car's open windows and the convenience of the cup holders coincidentally being the correct size to hold hand grenades]

[as the Fiesta drives through the surf toward the beach]

Jeremy: Come onnnnn!

Royal Marine: [from the back seat] Are we nearly there yet?

Jeremy: [laughing, to the Marine corporal in the front passenger seat] The kids are being annoying. Shoot them.

[Closing the episode]

Jeremy: Anyway, that aah, that's all we got time for this week. Next week, for reasons we don't understand, we're on at nine o'clock. So we'll see you then. Unless you're watching this on Dave. In February. In the middle of the afternoon. In which case we hope that you get a job soon. Take care, see you soon, bye!

December 14th, 2008 [12.7]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight. I look at the future of sports cars. James investigates the future of quite literally everything. And Richard Hammond smashes up another caravan.

[About to drag race the Tesla Roadster against a Lotus Elise]

Jeremy: Right, it's on. I... think. There's no noise at all, but anyway. Put it into drive — [it] has a one-speed gearbox. They tried it with a two speed but that kept breaking. So one it is. We're in drive and I'm ready.

[The Roadster pulls away from the Elise]

Jeremy: God almighty! Wave goodbye to dial-up and say hello to the world of broadband motoring! Twelve and a half thousand RPM, I could not believe this! That's biblically quick! This car is electric! Literally!

[While driving the Tesla next to the Lotus Elise, after overtaking it after the Hammerhead]

Jeremy: The volthead has overtaken the petrolhead. And yes, [puts finger next to ear, mimicking a telephone] yes, I've just heard, it is snowing in hell.

[Both Roadsters are unavailable, charging or broken]

Jeremy: I did think that the Teslas would bring a bit of peace and quiet to our track with their electric motors. [I] didn't think it would be this much peace and quiet though. [walking off] That is the sound of silence.

Jeremy: [voiceover] What we have here then is an astonishing technical achievement: the first electric car you might actually want to buy. It's just a shame that in the real world it doesn't seem to work.

[back in the studio with James]

Jeremy: I tried to be fair. I did try, but it was... it didn't work.

James: It's not good though is it?

Jeremy: No, I think the price will come down, you know once — what's he called — Brad Cruise and Leonardo DiClooney. Once they've bought six hundred each, then the price will drop. And I guess once they've made a few of them they'll get better at the reliability.

James: Well, that's as maybe. But — and as I aim to demonstrate later on in the show — battery powered electric cars will soon die altogether.

Jeremy: No, we are looking forward to that film. Well, I am anyway.

Jeremy: [Holds up an item] would anyone like to hazard a guess at what this is?

[Person in audience responds]

Jeremy: What?

[Person in audience repeats]

Jeremy: How can you know what this is? Have you got one?

[Person in audience responds]

Jeremy: [stutters] This lady knows the answer! This is... a she-wee.

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.

James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.

Jeremy: Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.

James: What!

Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.

Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]

James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...

Richard: No!

Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...

Richard: Has it got four rings on it?

Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve

Richard: Thank you

Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.

[The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]

Jeremy: All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[During the power lap of the Tesla Roadster]

The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Gary Newman.

The Stig: [in Morse code] That pork tasted funny.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]

James: [voiceover] ...the most important car since the car was invented. Here it is. It's called the FCX Clarity. And I'm afraid it's a four door Honda.

[After testing their V8 rocking chair]

Jeremy: It hasn't worked, because the noise is so great, you'd never hear the television, would you?

Richard: That... and the fact that the old lady has disintegrated. Her head's come off!

James: So far, most electric cars have been appalling little plastic snot-boxes that take all night to recharge and then take half a minute to reach their maximum speed of forty. And then run out of juice miles from anywhere.

[James drives past a Toyota Prius]

James: Prius. Sucker.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]

Jay Leno: In America, we like people to know about the good work we are doing anonymously.

[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]

Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.

[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]

Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!

James: You have to start with "Hello".

December 28th, 2008 [12.8]

Listed as the Top Gear: Vietnam Special

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Top Gear (series 12)