Friends (season 3)

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Friends (1994–2004) was an American sitcom revolving around six 20-30 something friends living in Manhattan.

The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01]

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]

Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?

Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!

Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.

Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!

Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Janice: So, I hear you hate me.

Joey: I didn't say "hate", I was really careful about that.

Janice: A little birdie said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.

Joey: You got "hate" from that?

The One Where No One's Ready [3.02]

Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!

Joey: Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!

Chandler: Ugh UGH!

Joey: Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!

The One with the Jam [3.03]

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?

Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.

Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross: What?

Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

Ross: Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica: [looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"

Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04]

Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.

Joey: You know about that?

Joey: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was

Rachel: Amazingly that actually makes sense.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Jump off the high dive, stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!

Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

The One with Frank Jr. [3.05]

[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?

Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.

Chandler: You're building a post office?

Ross: [reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley.

Chandler: Very attractive, forgiving.

Ross: Susan Sarandon.

Chandler: She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first

Ross: Isabella Rosellini.

Chandler: She's too international.

Rachel: So?

Chandler: So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time.

Rachel: Yeah, because that's why you weren't gonna get Isabella Rosellini, geography.

The One with the Flashback [3.06]

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.

Phoebe: Why, nobody good?

Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"

Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?

Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

Ross: Hey, where is everyone?

Phoebe: Oh, its already closed. Chris gave me the keys to lock up. What's wrong?

Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is, um, kind of over.

Phoebe: Oh no! Why?

Ross: Because Carol's a lesbian... and... and I'm not one.

The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07]

Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.

Monica: I was always Joanie!

Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Dr. Green: Do you know what rust does to a boat?

Ross: Give it that nice, antique-y look?

Dr. Green: Rust is boat cancer.

Ross: I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08]

Joey: I have a science question. If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?

Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.

Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device."]

Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!

Monica: And yet we're still poking him.

Joey: Retract the device! Retract the device!

Ross: He does not look happy.

Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.

Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

The One with the Football [3.09]

[The gang decides to play touch football]

Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.

Chandler: And then Tennilles.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?

Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10]

[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]

Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?

Ross: 517.

Chandler: Wow.

Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

Rachel: Okay everyone, this is my last cup of coffee. [gives it to Chandler, goes off]

Chandler: [As soon as he's sure she's out of earshot] Think I ought to tell her I ordered tea?

The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11]

[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]

Phoebe: How can you not know which one?

Rachel: I mean, that’s unbelievable.

Monica: I mean, was it Gina?

Ross: Which one is Gina?

Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.

Chandler: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either! Naah!

Phoebe: Well, we didn't fool around with any of them! Naah! Naah!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.

Monica: That was me.

The One with All the Jealousy [3.12]

Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.

Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."

Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey: What?

Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey: The what?

Chandler: The abridgment.

Joey: Oh, okay. [To Ross] The what?

Rachel: [After giving a very long kiss to Ross] Well, that'll be a kiss he won't forget for a few hours.

Chandler: Yeah. Or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Rachel: [Pauses to think, then runs after Ross] Wait! Ross- I'm jealous! I'm jealous!

The One Where Monica & Richard Are Just Friends [3.13]

[Monica is returning a video.]

Clerk: Six dollars, please.

Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.

Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.

Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.

Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of The Shining for her, she ruins Little Women for him] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.

Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.

Rachel: Beth dies.

Joey: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies? [to Chandler] If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14]

[Leslie finishes a song and everybody claps.]

Phoebe: See, see, everyone else is happy she's done.

Leslie: Okay, my next song's called:

Phoebe Buffay, what can I say?

I really loved when we were singing partners

And I shouldn't have left you that way.

Phoebe: Oh, no: one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

Chandler: Well, hello!

Joey: Where've you been?

Chandler: The doctor.

Ross: Is everything okay?

Chandler: Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.

Chandler: That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15]

[Monica and Phoebe are on a double date with UN Diplomat Sergei and his translator.]

Monica: I speak a little French too. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

[The translator shrugs and blushes.]

Monica: What did I say?

Translator: You just asked me whether I wanted to go to bed with you tonight!

Chandler: I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.

Ross: Yeah, there's been a little change of plans. We're breaking up instead.

The One with the Morning After [3.16]

Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!

Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Ross: I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.

Rachel: We were on a break.

Ross: That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.

Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?

Ross: I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.

Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.

The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17]

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.

Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

[Chandler lights a cigarette]

Phoebe: Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: [realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!

Joey: You're smoking again?

Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.

Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler: Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.

Monica: Weren't you 9?

Chandler: [with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.

[a knock on the door is heard]

Chandler: Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.

Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler: No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

[Chandler opens the door and it turns out to be Rachel]

Rachel: Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister's on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.

Monica: Absolutely.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah.

[Chandler starts smoking in front of Rachel]

Rachel: Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler: Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18]

Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe: What? He's 18.

Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.

Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

Phoebe: Alright, forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler: Or what my father calls "Thursday night"

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19]

Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He's going in! He's going in! The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!

Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since, since... sliced bread!

Chandler: Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

The One with the Dollhouse [3.20]

Chandler: You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?

Joey: Yeah! [thinks a bit] Oh my God. Is this what it's like to be you?

[Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]

Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"

Phoebe: The little ones do.

The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21]

Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.

Ross: You know, I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well guess what, you're not my girlfriend any more, so...

Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on your own, you're free to look as stupid as you'd like.

Ross: [to Monica] You like it, right?

Monica: Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.

The One with the Screamer [3.22]

[A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]

Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?

Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick defecates in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! You're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?

[The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]

Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about? DUMB DONALD DOODOO!

[Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]

Chandler: Step away from the duck.

The One with Ross's Thing [3.23]

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.

Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!

Phoebe: [Talking about her fireman boyfriend] He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors — but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24]

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

Pete: One day, kids will wonder who'd win in a fight: me or Superman. Of course I can't beat Superman, but you know, kids are stupid.

The One at the Beach [3.25]

Chandler: [looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.

Phoebe: You know what that means?

Joey: That you're actually 50?

Phoebe: No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF. [everyone looks at her confused] Best friends forever.

Everybody: Oh.

Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: ...No.