Friends (season 9)

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Friends (1994–2004) was an American sitcom revolving around six 20-30 something friends living in Manhattan.

The One Where No One Proposes [9.01]

Phoebe: You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.

Ross: What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe: Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Ross: I didn't give her that ring!

Phoebe: You didn't?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: So whose ring is it?

Ross: It's mine!

Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?

Ross: Yes.

Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: But you were going to propose?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

The One Where Emma Cries [9.02]

Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.

Monica: "She," Rachel. Not "it." She.

Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.

Monica: I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers!

Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!

The One with the Pediatrician [9.03]

Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?

Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.

Chandler: He saw a therapist?

Monica: He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.

Rachel: Wow, what was it?

Monica: That I was going to eat him.

Phoebe: [Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.

Joey: [Stifles a laugh]

Phoebe: I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.

Joey: [Bursts out laughing]

The One with the Sharks [9.04]

Ross: And I ended up telling him that...

Phoebe: What?

Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.

Phoebe: What? Why?

Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Monica: Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.

Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!

Monica: Okay, this is how much I love you.

[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]

Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?

Monica: Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?

Chandler: No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.

Monica: Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?

Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?

Monica: Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?

Chandler: What's going on?

Monica: It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.

Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [9.05]

[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]

Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumps out of the basinet!

Ross: Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.

Rachel: Oh, my...! I left the water running!

Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?

Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and —

Ross: Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel: [beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Judy Geller: I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".

Ross: Somehow it became easier to be apart from you.

The One with the Male Nanny [9.06]

Monica: Really? That scientist guy?

Phoebe: Really? Chandler?

Monica: Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does bits and impressions and limericks.

Chandler: I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'

The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song [9.07]

[Ross is talking to Emma on the couch]

Ross: And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break! Yes we were, yes we were! C'mere, gorgeous! [picks up the baby] Oh, you're the cutest little baby ever! You're just a little bitty baby, but you got big beautiful eyes, a big round belly, and a big baby butt! [sighs] I like big butts. [sings the first few lines of "Baby Got Back." Emma starts laughing.] Oh, my, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Daddy made you laugh! Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-a-Lot! You want to hear more? [sings another line and Emma laughs again] I'm a terrible father!

Ross: You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?

Rachel: Nothing else works, this girl is all about the ass!

The One with Rachel's Other Sister [9.08]

[Knock on the door]

Rachel and Ross: Who is it?

Amy: It's your favorite sister!

Rachel and Ross: Jill?

Amy: Amy!

Rachel: Hide my rings!

Rachel: Emma, this is your first thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?

Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

The One with Rachel's Phone Number [9.09]

Phoebe: Oh god, remember the girls' nights we used to have? Sitting around talking about you and Ross?

Rachel: Oh god, it seems like forever ago!

Phoebe: I know. So what's going on with you and Ross?

Rachel: Well, uhm. I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.

Phoebe: Oh my god, I love things, what happened?

Rachel: Well, first he told me he liked how i looked and the we had a little... eye contact.

Phoebe: Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.

Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.

Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Monica looks at him strangely] I heard it!

The One with Christmas in Tulsa [9.10]

Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?

Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.

Monica: You are such a good boss.

Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.

Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler: Well, yeah...

Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.

Monica: You're alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?

Chandler: Well... The second prettiest that year. If you count it now, she's probably the...

Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

Monica: Wendy's a fat girls name.

Phoebe: Are we still on that?

Monica: No, you're right. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about snow. Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband's having sex on a copying machine?

The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work [9.11]

[Chandler is practicing advertising slogans.]

Chandler: How hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"

Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."

Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Steve: So, do you have any other questions about advertising?

Chandler: No, no, but - let me show you what I can do. [picks up a bagel and a donut] "Bagels and donuts: Round food... for every mood."

Steve: Monica warned me you might do that.

The One with Phoebe's Rats [9.12]

Phoebe: [doing a crossword puzzle] Hey, Mike - what's the capital of Peru?

Mike: Lima.

Phoebe: No, it starts with a V and ends in an X. And hopefully with a T-O in the middle.

Mike: You know, you're right. The capital of Peru is Vtox.

Monica: [about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.

Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

The One Where Monica Sings [9.13]

Ross: Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?

Chandler: Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. [harrumphing] Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

Rachel: I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.

Ross: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.

The One with the Blind Dates [9.14]

Chandler: Today is the 6th.

Monica: No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]

Chandler: Yes. It's also 2003.

Monica: That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

Monica: [On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel: No, why?

Monica: Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel: [Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica: [Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica: [To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey: Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica: No, we weren't.

Joey: Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler: [Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey: Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica: You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey: Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

Monica and Chandler: No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler: Unless what?

Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler: What? Why?

Joey: Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey: [Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

The One with the Mugging [9.15]

Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

Monica: Your mother killed herself!

Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Chandler: And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!

Monica: Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.

The One with The Boob Job [9.16]

[Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]

Rachel: Are you saying that women can't do it?

Joey: Women can do it; you can't.

Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?

Monica: [to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.

Rachel: Well, I found the hardware store by myself!

Joey: The hardware store's just down the street.

Rachel: There's a hardware store down the street?

[Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]

Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey: Because she is!

Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey: Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over, Joe!

Joey: Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

The One with the Memorial Service [9.17]

Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... [reads from the screen] "gay as the day is long"?

Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.

Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

Ross: I'm dead and no one cares.

Monica: I look like a man!

Chandler: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

The One with the Lottery [9.18]

Monica: [about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?

Rachel: Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

Chandler: Kind of like Joey...

Ross: If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.

Phoebe: I like that, Daddy.

Ross: I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.

Phoebe: Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?

Ross: Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.

The One with Rachel's Dream [9.19]

Monica: Why don't you take Ross?

Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross: [browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Human spleen. Olè!

The One with The Soap Opera Party [9.20]

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel: All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be... [Joey walks in] Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?

Monica: What the hell are you cooking?

Rachel: Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?

Joey: Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.

Rachel: Well then, so just invite me.

Joey: Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.

The One with the Fertility Test [9.21]

[Phoebe is about to give Rachel a massage]

Phoebe: [in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!

Rachel: Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!

Phoebe: Then I'm Swedish!

Rachel: What's your name?

Phoebe: A normal Swedish name...Ikea.

Rachel: What an interesting name. You know, I...

Phoebe: [interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel: [sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]

Phoebe: Is something wrong?

Rachel: No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe: Stockholm.

Rachel: [to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!

Charlie Wheeler: First, I have to see the Met!

Joey: OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!

Charlie: No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular.

Joey: Which one? They all suck!

The One with the Donor [9.22]

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler: [sarcastically] Oh, dammit!

[Dr. Connelly stares at him, confused]

Monica: Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Ross: I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross: It's in Barbados.

Chandler: But you come first!

Rachel: I'm there.

The One in Barbados: Part 1 [9.23]

[At Ross's conference]

Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

[Joey laughs]

Charlie: What?

Joey: He said "erectus"!

Charlie: You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey: No, he really said it.

Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

[Rachel laughs]

Joey: Erectus?

Rachel: Homo.

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler: [Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused] "I do".

Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica: What? [Looks very shocked] Why?

Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler: I did! A penis one!

The One in Barbados: Part 2 [9.24]

Chandler: [wins at ping pong] I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was.

Monica: Why?

Chandler: I don't know.

Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.

Chandler: That's why.

Charlie: There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I um... I kind of realized I was starting to have feelings for someone else.

Ross: Can I... can I ask who?

Charlie: I think you know.

Ross: I think I know too, but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past.