Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 7)

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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

Funkhouser's Crazy Sister [7.1] edit

Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry: You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry: Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Vehicular Fellatio [7.2] edit

Larry: I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.

Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?

Larry: No.

Loretta: Then why would I want to go?

Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry: You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Larry: We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

The Reunion [7.3] edit

Larry: Remember I was sitting here yesterday?

Waiter: Yeah.

Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?

Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.

Larry: You don't do what?

Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.

Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?

Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.

Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?

Waiter: Yeah.

Larry: Was his healthier?

Waiter: I...

Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?

Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..

Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.

Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.

Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?

[waiter scratches his face]

Larry: Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?

Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.

Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.

[waiter tugs on his tie]

Larry: Oh, my fucking..fuck!

The Hot Towel [7.4] edit

Larry: I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.

Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.

Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Denise Handicapped [7.5] edit

Larry: [in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?

Jamie: Why?

John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?

Larry: Well, she's Chinese.

John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?

Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?

John: So the American kid is the control group?

Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.

Larry: Do me a favor.

Jamie: What?

Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

[Ted Danson orders Larry and Denise a slice of pie at a restaurant]

Ted: You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.

Larry: Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.

Ted: Just have one bite. Come on.

Larry: I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.

Ted: You're making me look like an asshole.

Larry: I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.

Ted: Just have one little bite for my sake, please.

Larry: I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.

Ted: Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!

Larry: I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?

Ted: Have a bite of the pie!

Waiter: [starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..

Larry: I don't want the pie! Thank you.

Ted: No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.

Larry: No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.

Ted: Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.

Larry: I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!

Ted: Put that fucking pie down!

Larry: Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Susan: Jeff, let's take a walk.

Jeff: Eh, I'm comfortable.

Susan: Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.

Jeff: Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.

Susan: Please?

Jeff: No, I'm fine.

Susan: Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!

Leon: Denise called.

Larry: What'd she say?

Leon: Give her a call.

Larry: She leave her number?

Leon: Nah.

Larry: Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.

Leon: Call information.

Larry: I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".

Leon: I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..

The Bare Midriff [7.6] edit

The Black Swan [7.7] edit

Larry: Fruit's good.

Jeff: Yeah.

Larry: Delicious, isn't it?

Marty: How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.

Andy: Yes, let's get out of here.

Larry: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Marty: I want to get out of here now.

Larry: Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?

Marty: Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?

Larry: Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?

Marty: How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!

Larry: Keep your fucking voice down!

Marty: You killed a swan!

Larry: [raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Andy: Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.

Marty: Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.

Larry: Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.

Andy: I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?

Larry: You could have fruit twice in one day.

Andy: No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.

Larry: They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Officer Krupke [7.8] edit

Larry: I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

The Table Read [7.9] edit

Jerry: You surprised me. I had no idea it would be that revolting.

Seinfeld [7.10] edit

Mocha Joe: Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.

Larry: You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.

Mocha Joe: So you didn't get the beans?

Larry: No. I didn't get the beans.

Mocha Joe: So you didn't do me the favor?

Larry: I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?

Mocha Joe: No. An attempt is not a favor.

Larry: What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.

Jerry: What did you come back with, though?

Larry: The store was closed.

Jerry: Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.

Mocha Joe: Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?

Jerry: Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.

Larry: I know.

Jerry: You have jumper cables. What does he got?

Mocha Joe: Exactly.

Jerry: He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.

Mocha Joe: Thank you, Jerry.

Jerry: You're welcome, Mocha Joe.

Larry: Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.

Jerry: Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.

Larry: Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!

Mocha Joe: F for favor!

Jerry: C for coffee!

Waverly: So "Duberstein" - that's a Jewish name, right? - Yes, it is.

Leon: I was adopted by some lovely Jews.

Waverly: - And you were bar mitzvahed? - Oh, yeah yeah.

Leon: Three times.

Leon: The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.

Waverly: But I thought you only got bar mitzvahed once. You know, when you're 13 years old?

Leon: - No no no no, you misunderstood.

Waverly: - What?

Leon: It's once every 13 years, you know.

Leon: You got to recharge the mitzvah, so you always keep your mitzvah kind of full, at capacity.

Leon: "Capacitme" Mitzvah capacity!!