Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)

season of television series

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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

The Pants Tent [1.1]

Larry David: I can name sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.

Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?

Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
Larry: She reads Wiesel?
Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!

[Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]
Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)

Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
Jeff's Mom: What?
Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Ted and Mary [1.2]

Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."

Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!

Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!

Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Porno Gil [1.3]

Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.

Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
Larry: Yeah.
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

The Bracelet [1.4]

Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

The Interior Decorator [1.5]

Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.

The Wire [1.6]

Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens?
Jeff: You get screwed.
Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.
Jeff: You're so complimentary.
Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"
Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?
Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point.

Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
Cheryl: Anything could happen.
Larry: A lot of people sue me.

Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
Cheryl: He's a fan.
Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!

Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.

Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
Larry: Are you out of your mind now?

Aamco [1.7]

Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
Larry: That's my specialty, length.
Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Hobo: Got any spare change?
Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
Hobo: What is it?
Larry: It's tuna.
Hobo: I don't like tuna.

Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?

Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

Beloved Aunt [1.8]

Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: No, she didn't.
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: Why?
Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
Jeff: That's really rude.
Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
Relative: We must go on.
Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?

[Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!

Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: What?
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: The hell are you talking about?
Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
Larry: The sunglasses?
Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
Jeff: You gave it to her.
Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
Larry: I don't think so. No.
Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Craig: Hi, Larry!
Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
Craig: I did not rat you out.
Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
Craig: Well, that's your problem.
Larry: What a jerk.
Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
Craig: Maybe I will.
Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

Affirmative Action [1.9]

Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Larry: Hi, how you doing?
Richard: He's my dermatologist.
Larry: Really?
Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
Larry: What?
Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
Cheryl: OK, OK.
Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Cheryl: Please.
Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

The Group [1.10]

[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.