The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1]Edit
- Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it…? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.
- George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
- Jerry: Right.
- George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.
- Jerry: Lip area.
- George: You know, a hug: definitely good.
- Jerry: Hug is definitely good.
- George: Sure.
- Jerry: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
- George: That's so brutal, I hate that.
- Jerry: You know how they do that?
- George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad.
- Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
- George: Hand sandwich.
- Jerry: Right.
- George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
The Stakeout [1.2]Edit
- Jerry: There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?"
- Jerry: [while playing Scrabble] "Quone"?
- Helen: ...30...31...
- Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
- [Jerry picks up the dictionary]
- Helen: ...32...
- Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
- Jerry: I am challenging.
- Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
- [Jerry looks up the word]
- Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
- Morty: Quone's not a word.
- Jerry: [showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
- Helen: [to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down?
- Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
The Robbery [1.3]Edit
- Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
- Jerry: No.
- Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
- Jerry: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only one design flaw:the door... [closing door] must be closed!
- Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
- Jerry: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.
- Kramer: I made a mistake.
- Elaine: These things happen.
- Kramer: I'm human
- Jerry: In your way.
- Jerry: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN!
Male Unbonding [1.4]Edit
- George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
- Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
- George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
- Jerry: That's worse.
- Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
- Jerry: Where?
- Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.
- Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
- Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?
- Jerry: We can talk.
- Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
- Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.
The Stock Tip [1.5]Edit
- Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
- George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
- Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.
- George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
- Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
- George: I don't know but he ain't funny.
- Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.
- Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
- Elaine: I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
- Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
- Elaine: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
- Jerry: I'm no cat killer.
The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]Edit
- Kramer: [about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
- Jerry: It's too far.
- Kramer: It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.
- Jerry: I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
- Kramer: See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
- Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
- Jerry: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room – the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two…"
The Pony Remark [2.2]Edit
- George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
- Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense...am I wrong?
The Jacket [2.3]Edit
- Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
- George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
- Jerry: Absolutely.
- George: It's fabulous.
- Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
The Phone Message [2.4]Edit
- Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
- Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" [Mimes fiddly button-pressing] "I told him!"
The Apartment [2.5]Edit
- George: [about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?
- Jerry: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
- George: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
- Jerry: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
- George: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
- Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
- George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
- Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
- George: Of course, we all do.
- Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
- George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
- Roxanne: [yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!
- George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
The Statue [2.6]Edit
- George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
- Kramer: Police! Open up!
- Ray: Police? [Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He forces Ray against the wall]
- Kramer: Freeze, mother!
- Ray: Hey..
- [Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall]
- Kramer: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! [Looks around] You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.
- Ray: Murder?!
- [Kramer shoves him against the wall]
- Kramer: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
- Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
- Kramer: Is your name Ray?
- Ray: Yeah.
- Kramer: Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. [Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag]
- Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
- Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
- Ray: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
- Kramer: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way.
The Revenge [2.7]Edit
- George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
- Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
- George: What about that?
- Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
- George: Well, that's really not fair.
- Elaine: So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
- Rick: Nudist colony?
- Elaine: Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies. They help me unwind.
- Rick: I've never been to one.
- Elaine: Oh really? You should go; they're great! Except when they're over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.
- Rick: Really?
- Elaine: Oh yeah, I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!
- Rick: Who are you!?
- Elaine: Trust me mister, you don't wanna know.
The Heart Attack [2.8]Edit
- Jerry: [after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?
- George: Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..
- Jerry: Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
- George: I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
- Jerry: You know, if your future was a little more certain..
- George: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
- Jerry: Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]
- George: What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
- [Elaine enters and sees Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George]
- Elaine: Jerry!
- Jerry: [pretending to panicked] Elaine, what are you doing here?
- Tor: No. You know, I am not a businessman. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
- Jerry: And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
The Deal [2.9]Edit
- Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
- Elaine: I know.
- Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [Points to the bedroom] We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
- Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't.
- Jerry: It's moronic.
- Elaine: Absurd!
- Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
- Elaine: Well, there are always a few.
- Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
- Elaine: Devastating.
- Jerry: Because this is very good. [Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship]
- Elaine: And that would be good. [Points to bedroom]
- Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
- Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
- Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
- Elaine: Huh.
- Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
- Elaine: Right.
- Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
- Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.
- Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
- Elaine: All right, sir.
- Jerry: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
- Elaine: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
- Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
- Jerry: So how's the job situation goin'?
- George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
- Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
- George: [stunned] Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major!
- Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
- George: Oh, this is huge!
- Jerry: I know.
- George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.
- Jerry: No, I can't do details.
- George: You what?
- Jerry: I can't give details.
- George: No details?
- Jerry: I'm not in the mood.
- George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
The Baby Shower [2.10]Edit
- Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
- Elaine: What do you wanna know?
- Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
- Elaine: Rarely.
- George: Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?
The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]Edit
- Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
- Jerry: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
- Elaine: What do you mean?
- Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
- George: What are they gonna do?
- Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
- Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
- Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
- Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
- Jerry: No, no tricks.
- Elaine: Should I do it, George?
- George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
- Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana?
- George: I shouldn't even tell you this.
- Jerry: Come on...
- George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
- Jerry: I'm with you.
- George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending...intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.
- Jerry: This could only happen to you.
- George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
- Jerry: You said this to her after.
- George: No. During.
- Jerry: Oh, boy.
- George: Yeah.
- Jerry: Wow! So...?
- George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.
The Busboy [2.12]Edit
- Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
- George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
- Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
- Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
- Elaine: I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
The Note [3.1]Edit
- George: A man gave me...
- Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?
- George: A man gave me... a massage.
- Jerry: So?
- George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
- Jerry: He was what?!
- George: He was... touching and rubbing.
- Jerry: That's a massage.
- George: And then I took my pants off.
- Jerry: You took your pants off?
- George: For my hamstring.
- Jerry: Oh.
- George: He got about two inches from... there.
- Jerry: Really?
- George: I think it moved.
- Jerry: Moved?
- George: It may have moved, I don't know.
- Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.
- George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.
- Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
- George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
- Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?
- George: That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.
- Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.
- George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
- Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.
- [George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee]
- Jerry: What happened to you?
- George: One of those kids called me a Mary.
- Elaine: A what?
- George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
- Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
The Truth [3.2]Edit
- Elaine: Oh, you're being audited? What for?
- Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...
- Elaine: When was this?
- Jerry: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
- Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
- Jerry: Volcano? Really?
- Elaine: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
- Jerry: Something to drink?
- Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me?
- Jerry: You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
- Elaine: Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
- Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrificed so much for so long.
- Elaine: Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.
- Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
- Jerry: What did you tell her?
- George: I told her that she was pretentious.
- Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.
The Pen [3.3]Edit
- Photographer: Say "astronaut."
- [Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
- Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?
- Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.
- Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
- Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.
The Dog [3.4]Edit
- Elaine: [on Kramer's ex-girlfriend] If this woman's personality could be seen, it would be like one of those Elephant Man exhibits where they pull back the curtain and everyone gasps.
- Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
The Library [3.5]Edit
- Librarian: Yes?
- Jerry: Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.
- Librarian: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
- Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
- Librarian: It's true.
- Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."
- Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.
- Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
- Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella...
- Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
- Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
- Jerry: I try.
- Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
- Jerry: No, I don't.
- Bookman: I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
- Jerry: Certainly not.
- Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
The Parking Garage [3.6]Edit
- Jerry: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
- Security Guard: Well you're still not allowed.
- Jerry: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
- Security Guard: That's up to you.
- Jerry: So you don't care if I die.
- Security Guard: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
- Jerry: It was life and death.
- Security Guard: Uh huh.
- Jerry: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
- Security Guard: I don't know.
- Jerry: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
- Elaine: [about driving them around to find the lost car] Why can't you do it?
- Man: I can't.
- Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
- Man: That's right.
- Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
- Man: I don't know.
- Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
- Man: No, I wouldn't.
The Cafe [3.7]Edit
- Elaine: Why do you keep watching?
- Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.
- Elaine: And then you flush.
- Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
- George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !
- [Jerry laughs.]
- Elaine: 85?
- Jerry: Well, well, well...
- Elaine: He's coming up?
- Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.
- Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.
- Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...
- [George comes in looking angry.]
- George: Oh, hello professor.
- Elaine: George, I cannot believe...
- George: Please...
- Elaine: No there has got be a mistake.
- George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
- Jerry: But an 85?
- Elaine: There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
- Jerry: It was a madhouse.
The Tape [3.8]Edit
- George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
- Jerry: If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. No baldness, it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
- Elaine: [jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha, oooooohaaaa...
The Nose Job [3.9]Edit
- George: [referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
- Audrey: I know, they're good.
- George: Peter Jennings had one.
- Audrey: Really?
- George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
- Jerry: I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my penis is facing my brain is a chess match. And I'm letting him win.
- George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
- Jerry: Then what?
- George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.
The Stranded [3.10]Edit
- George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
- Jerry: Really?
- George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
- Jerry: Oh, come on.
- George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
- Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.
- George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!
- Elaine: [about Eva's fur] You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
- George: Could we talk about this some other time?
- Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
- Jerry: Here we go...
- Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
- Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
- George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.
The Alternate Side [3.11]Edit
- Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
- Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
- Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
- Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
- Agent: I know why we have reservations.
- Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
- Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.
- George: Well I know how to drive.
- Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
- Jerry: Can I get anybody anything?
- Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
- George I put my pants on, Sid.
- Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.
- George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
The Red Dot [3.12]Edit
- Mr. Lippman: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
- George: Who said that?
- Mr. Lippman: She did.
- George: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...
- Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
- George: Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
- Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?
The Subway [3.13]Edit
- Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
- Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
- Kramer: Well, yeah...
- Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
- George: Why not?
- Jerry: That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.
- George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.
The Pez Dispenser [3.14]Edit
- Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
- Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
- Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
- Noel:I am breaking up with you!
- George: But you can't break up with me! I've got hand!
- Noel: And you're gonna need it.
The Suicide [3.15]Edit
- Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.
- Jerry: Wow, she is really hungry!
- George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire — is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!
The Fix-Up [3.16]Edit
- George: Is there a pinkish hue?
- Jerry: A pinkish hue?
- George: Yeah, a rosy glow.
- Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.
- George: Who cares about eyebrows?
- George: What kind of hair?
- Jerry: You know: long, dark hair.
- George: Flowing?
- Jerry: Flowing?
- George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.
- Jerry: "Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?
- George: Yeah, that's right.
- Jerry: Just clarifying.
The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]Edit
- Jerry: According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses — in mid air, mind you — makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
- Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
- Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.
- Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.
- Newman: I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!
- Kramer: [to Newman] Wait, wait, wait.
- Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.
- Kramer: [on phone] Yello? What-delay Industries?
- George: [in the bathroom] VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY!
- Kramer: [Elaine tries to interrupt Kramer, but he keeps ignoring her] No, you're way, way off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an APARTMENT!
- [George bursts out of the bathroom, his pants down around his ankles]
- George: VANDELAY! SAY- [Falls down next to Kramer] SAY VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!
- Kramer: Yeah, no problem. No problem. [Hangs up and looks at George, who is lying despondently on the floor] How did you know who they wanted?
- [Jerry walks in and sees George laying on the floor, his pants down]
- Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman...
The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]Edit
- Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.
- Elaine: [Kissing Keith, thinking] Who does this guy think he is?
- Keith Hernandez: [Thinking] I'm Keith Hernandez.
The Limo [3.19]Edit
- George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?
- Jerry: She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!
- George: Kind of a cute Nazi, though.
- Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
- George: Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!
The Good Samaritan [3.20]Edit
- George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
- George: I'm speechless! I have no speech!
(Jerry sneezes) George: Ah shut up
The Letter [3.21]Edit
- Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
- George: I don't get art.
- Jerry: There's nothing to get.
- George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
The Parking Space [3.22]Edit
- George: All bald people look good in hats.
- Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
- George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
- Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
- Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
- Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
- Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?
- Kramer: He begged me!
- Mike: He begged you?
The Keys [3.23]Edit
- Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
- George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
- Kramer: I yearn.
- George: You yearn?
- Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
- George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.
- George: You're not really going to California, are you?
- Kramer [pointing to his head]: Up here, I'm already gone!
The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]Edit
- Voice: Murphy Brown.
- Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
- Voice: Who's calling please?
- Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
- [dial tone]
The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]Edit
- George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
- Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?
The Pitch [4.3]Edit
- Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
- Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
- Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
- Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
- Telemarketer: No.
- Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
- Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
- Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
- Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?
The Ticket [4.4]Edit
- Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
- Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.
The Wallet [4.5]Edit
- Jerry: Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"
- Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
- Nurse: Are you sure?
- Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my x-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
The Watch [4.6]Edit
- Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
- Kramer:Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
- Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
- Kramer: How often do we do it?
- Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
- Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
- Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
- Kramer: Oooh, baby.
- Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
- Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
- Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
- Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
- Leo: She's alright..
The Bubble Boy [4.7]Edit
- Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
- George: A bubble boy?!
- Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
- Susan: What's a bubble boy?
- Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
- George: Boy.
- [trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
- Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
- Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
- Naomi: Hahahaha.
- Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
The Cheever Letters [4.8]Edit
- Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
- Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
The Opera [4.9]Edit
- Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?
- Man: Why don't you get lost?!
- Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
- Man: Oh yeah?!
- Jerry: Yeah!
- (The man walks away)
- Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
The Virgin [4.10]Edit
- Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
- Jerry: She's a virgin. I just found out.
- Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
- Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
The Contest [4.11]Edit
- George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Jerry: Dating Marla.
- George: Oh, the virgin?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
- Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
- Elaine: What're you looking at?
- Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
- Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
- Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
- Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
- George: Have a good time.
The Airport [4.12]Edit
- Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.
- Guard: All right, let's go.
- Prisoner: I want the magazine!
- George: Umm... No.
- Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
- George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!
The Pick [4.13]Edit
- Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?
- Jerry: I am not an animal!
The Movie [4.14]Edit
- Elaine: I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater!
- George: It's the same movie! What's the difference?
- Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in P.O.W.s to show them propaganda films.
- George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle."
- Elaine: Ugh.
- George: I wouldn't mind seeing that.
- Elaine: Yeah, you know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
- George: So what's your point?
The Visa [4.15]Edit
- Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
- George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
The Shoes [4.16]Edit
- Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
- Jerry: Men are obsessed with cleavage. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things. Every time these objects are presented to us, we have to look. We cannot not look. To men, cleavage is like the nearest thing to a nearby UFO landing. That's what it is.
The Outing [4.17]Edit
- Jerry: I've been outed. I wasn't even in!
- Jerry: Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The Old Man [4.18]Edit
- Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!
- George: Aren't [postal workers] the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
- Newman: [ominously] Sometimes...
- George: Why is that?
- Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it's Publisher's Clearing House day!
The Implant [4.19]Edit
- Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.
- Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
The Junior Mint [4.20]Edit
- Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!
- Jerry: That's true.
- Kramer: It's very refreshing!
- George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.
- Jerry: They eat them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
The Smelly Car [4.21]Edit
- George: This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O.
- Jerry: Usually the O stays with the B. Once the B is gone the O leaves with it.
The Handicap Spot [4.22]Edit
- Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
- George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
- Elaine: What's that supposed to mean?
- Salesman: This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like...you're almost glad to be handicapped.
The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]Edit
- Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
- George: What? I'm comfortable.
- Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
- George: He took a biopsy Jerry, a biopsy!
- Jerry: What'd he say?
- George: He said he didn't know what it was.
- Jerry: All right, so?
- George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
- Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
- George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
- Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
- George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?
The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]Edit
- Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
- Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
- Sandi: If that's what you want.
- Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
- Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
- Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
- Sandi: Can we still be friends?
The Mango [5.1]Edit
- George: You faked?
- Elaine: On occasion.
- Jerry: And the guy never knows?
- Elaine: No.
- Jerry: How can he not know that?
- Elaine: Because I was gooood.
- Jerry: I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
- Elaine: [chuckles] You didn't know.
- Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
- Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.
The Puffy Shirt [5.2]Edit
- Kramer: This isnt going to be a new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
- Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!
- Jerry: I have to wear it [the puffy shirt]! The people at the factory are making these based on me wearing it on TV! They're producing them as we speak!
- Elaine: But you need to look like a compassionate person that cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!
The Glasses [5.3]Edit
- [George enters, wearing swimming goggles instead of his glasses.]
- George: I gotta get out of this city.
- Jerry: So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?
- George: I'm at the health club; and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
- Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
- George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
- Jerry: He was running from a bee.
- Elaine: So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
- Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite.
- Elaine: Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
- Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.
The Sniffing Accountant [5.4]Edit
- Elaine: So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
- Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
- Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
- George: I know about the cups.
- Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
- George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
The Bris [5.5]Edit
- George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.
- Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
- Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
- Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
The Lip Reader [5.6]Edit
- [Gwen is breaking up with George]
- Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
- George: [appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!
- Gwen: [embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.
- George: You're damn right, it's me!
- Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.
- Kramer: "Ca".
- Driver: Huh?
- George: Wha..?
- Jerry: "Ca".
- George: Ah.
The Non-Fat Yogurt [5.7]Edit
- Doctor: I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
- George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
- Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
- George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
- Doctor: No, not really.
- George: How so?
- Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
- Boy: (to Jerry) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f*ck.
The Barber [5.8]Edit
- Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
- Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
- Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
- Newman: What's the catch?
- Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
- Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.
- Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
- Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
- Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
- Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
- Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
The Masseuse [5.9]Edit
- George: Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.
- George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
- Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
The Cigar Store Indian [5.10]Edit
- Kramer: I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.
- Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum.
The Conversion [5.11]Edit
- Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
- George: I like the hats.
- George: By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.
- Jerry: And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?
- George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
The Stall [5.12]Edit
- Jerry: You're crazy.
- Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
- Jerry: It's impossible.
- Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
- Jerry: It can't be.
- Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
- Jerry: He's a male bimbo... He's a mimbo!
The Dinner Party [5.13]Edit
- Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.
- Elaine: What's wrong?
- Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
- Elaine: The black and white?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- Elaine: Not getting along?
- Man:[Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!
- George: Yes, Its a big coat!
- Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!
The Marine Biologist [5.14]Edit
- [using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]
- Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!
- George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli!
The Pie [5.15]Edit
- Ricky's supervisor: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.
- Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.
- Jerry: A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
The Stand In [5.16]Edit
- Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
- Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
- Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
- George: Why don't they just hire another midget?
- Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!
The Wife [5.17]Edit
- Kramer: Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?
- Elaine: Make it 50.
- Kramer: We're engaged!
- George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
- Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.
- George: What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?
The Raincoats, Part 1 [5.18]Edit
- Jerry: She lives with her parents.
- George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
- Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
The Fire [5.20]Edit
- Jerry: [during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
- George: What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
- Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
- George: It's not easy.
The Hamptons [5.21]Edit
- Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
- Jerry: No.
- Kramer: Put that on the top of your list.
- Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful.
- Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
- Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
The Opposite [5.22]Edit
- Jerry: The New York Yankees?
- George: The New York [turns Yankees hat around] Yankees!
- Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza!?
- George: SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND STOP KICKING THE SEATS! WE’RE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE! And if I have to tell you again, we’re gonna take it outside and I'm gonna SHOW you what it's like, you understand me? Now shut your mouths or I’m gonna shut 'em for ya! And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me! Because I would LOVE it!!!
The Chaperone [6.1]Edit
- Ms. Rhode Island: I'm watching my weight.
- Jerry: I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
- Kramer: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
The Big Salad [6.2]Edit
- Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
- Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.
- Elaine: Or you.
The Pledge Drive [6.3]Edit
- Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!
- Kramer: Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
The Chinese Woman [6.4]Edit
- Kramer: I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!
- Jerry: [referring to George] It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.
The Couch [6.5]Edit
- Jerry: Is it? C-could it? Could he have? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!
The Gymnast [6.6]Edit
- Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
- Jerry: You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
The Mom & Pop Store [6.7]Edit
- Jerry: We should get you to a hospital.
- Kramer: I ain't going to no Bellevue.
- George: [singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
The Soup [6.8]Edit
- Jerry: I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.
- George: And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.
- Elaine: Can I have a big salad?
- Waitress: A big salad?
- Elaine: You see...
- George: [irritated] Just tell them what you want. They'll make it for you.
- Elaine: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
- Waitress: I can bring you two small salads.
- Elaine: Could you put it in a big bowl?
- Waitress: We don't have big bowls.
- Elaine: All right, just get me a cup of decaf.
- Waitress: We have Sanka.
The Secretary [6.9]Edit
- Secretary: As you can see, my references are impeccable and I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is: I take care of my mother. Will there be many late nights?
- George: I can't imagine any.
- Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
- George: And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.
The Switch [6.10]Edit
- George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
- George: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!
- Jerry: They did not have roommates in the middle ages!
- George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
- Jerry: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?
- George: Alright, dammit, I'm in.
The Race [6.11]Edit
- Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?
- Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
- Lois: So, you were the fastest kid in school.
- Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
- Jerry: "I CHOSE NOT TO RUN!"
The Label Maker [6.12]Edit
- Elaine: He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.
- Jerry: Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
The Scofflaw [6.13]Edit
- Jerry: Who is he not to talk to you about his life-threatening illness?
- George: You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
The Beard [6.16]Edit
- George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
- [Talking about George's toupee]
- Kramer: Its a perfect match.
- Jerry: Are you kidding? I can spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
The Kiss Hello [6.17]Edit
- George: I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
The Doorman [6.18]Edit
- Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?
- Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page...
- Jerry: Yeah.
- Doorman: What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
- Jerry: [dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
- Mr. Green: Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!
- [Jerry lets the man pass.]
- Jerry: [yells] You think you're better than me?
The Jimmy [6.19]Edit
- Jimmy: You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.
- Elaine: [thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?
- Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.
- Elaine: Ahh! Really?
- Jimmy: Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.
- Elaine: Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.
- Jimmy: Jimmy would like to get to know you.
- Jerry: You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.
- George: George is getting UPSET!
The Doodle [6.20]Edit
- George: [referring to a doodle of himself] I look like a troll!
The Fusilli Jerry [6.21]Edit
- Jerry: You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
- Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
- George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're — you're a "separatee."
- Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.
- George: No, you're not out there.
- Estelle: I am, too!
- George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
The Diplomat's Club [6.22]Edit
- Mr. Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?
- Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
- Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
The Face Painter [6.23]Edit
- Jerry: Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
- Elaine: Who?
- Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
- Elaine: I will never understand people.
- Jerry: They're the worst.
- George: You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'
- Jerry: Unless you're married...
- George: Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!
- Jerry: No, people hate that.
The Understudy [6.24]Edit
- George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.
- Bette: Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.
- Kramer: [on the phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw... You want white meat or dark?
- Bette: White meat.
- Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster!
The Engagement [7.1]Edit
- Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
- Estelle: You do?
- Susan: Yes.
- Estelle: Really?
- Susan: Yes.
- Estelle: May I ask why?
- Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.
- George: She scooped the niblets?
- Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.
The Postponement [7.2]Edit
- Kramer: Look at this, Jerry. That's littering.
- Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
- Kramer: Maybe I will.
- Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.
- George: Still marry. Still marry.
- Susan: No, you don't love me.
- George: No. Still love. Still love.
- Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
- George: No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!
The Maestro [7.3]Edit
- Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
- Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?
- Kramer: That's right.
- Jerry: Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."
- Kramer: Why?
- Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
- Kramer: Jerry, he's a conductor.
- Jerry: Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
- Jerry: New shirt?
- George: Yeah. You like it?
- Jerry: No, not particularly.
- George: Why, the color?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: Too flashy?
- Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina.
The Wink [7.4]Edit
- Kramer: Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
The Hot Tub [7.5]Edit
- George: Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
- Jerry: How do you pull that off?
- George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]
- Elaine: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!
- Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!
- George: I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]
- George: Hey, you bastards.
- Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?
- George: I really like those sons of bitches.
- Jerry: Sons of bitches?
- George: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like, uh... "Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, huh?"
- Jean-Paul: Really?
- George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the Major League.
The Soup Nazi [7.6]Edit
- George: I didn't get any bread.
- Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
- George: Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
- Soup Nazi: Bread, two dollars extra.
- George: Two dollars? But everybody in front of me got free bread.
- Soup Nazi: You want bread?
- George: Yes, please.
- Soup Nazi: THREE dollars!
- George: What?!
- Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
- [The Soup Nazi's assistant snatches George's soup and hands back his money]
- Elaine: Hello.
- Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.
- Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. "Five cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery."
- Soup Nazi: [aghast] That is my recipe for wild mushroom [tries to grab the recipe].
- Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny..
- Soup Nazi: Mulliga... tawny?
- Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!
The Secret Code [7.7]Edit
- Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
- Jerry: No, I didn't.
The Pool Guy [7.8]Edit
- Kramer: Hello and welcome to Moviefone! Brought to you by the New York Times and HOT 97. Coming to theatres this Friday... [deep trailer voice-over] Kevin Bacon. Susan Sarandon. You've got to get me over that mountain! NOO! [imitates air raid effect and long scream] There's no higher place than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie that you'd like to see, press 1.
- Elaine: Kramer? Is that you?
- Kramer: Elaine?
- Elaine: What time does Chow Fung start?
- Kramer: I dunno.
- George: (to Elaine) You're killing independent George!
- Moviefone President: Hello. And welcome to your worst nightmare. I know you're in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5b. You're in big trouble now. You've been stealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door now. Or please select the number of seconds you'd like to wait before I break this door down. Please select now.
The Sponge [7.9]Edit
- Jerry: She's too good.
- George: Too good?
- Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
- George: I see what you mean.
- Jerry: I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
- Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.
The Gum [7.10]Edit
The Rye [7.11]Edit
- Frank: What is this thing, anyway?
- Mrs. Ross: It's Cornish game hen.
- Frank: What is that? Like a little chicken?
- George: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughs] "Little chicken." It's a game bird.
- Frank: Game bird?
- George: Yeah.
- Frank: What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?
- Mr. Ross: Yes...
- Frank: How hard could it be to kill this thing?
- Frank: Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
- George: Why don't we talk about it another time?
- Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
- Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
- Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
- Frank: That's perverse!
The Caddy [7.12]Edit
- [Message on Jerry's answering machine after being informed of George's death]
- Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.
The Seven [7.13]Edit
- Jerry: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
- George: All right, I tell you what. You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
- Ken: What?
- George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
- Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
- George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
The Cadillac(1) [7.14]Edit
- Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?
- Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
- Morty: Uh-huh.
- Jack: What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!
- Morty: Thousands?
- Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now because you got a Cadillac?
- Morty: [dissmissive] Ahh!
- Jack: [dissmissive] Ahh!
- Morty: Do you beleive that guy?
- Jerry: [sarcastically] Ahh!
The Cadillac(2) [7.15]Edit
The Shower Head [7.16]Edit
- Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
- Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
- Peterman: Elaine, you've tested positive for opium.
- Elaine: What?
- Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally!
- Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.
- Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
- Peterman: Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.
The Doll [7.17]Edit
- George: Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
- Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
- George: Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.
- Kramer: Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.
- Frank: Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?
- Kramer: A billiard room.
- Frank: No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...
- Kramer: What?
- Frank: We call it... the, uh...
- Kramer: [snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"
- Frank: "The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.
The Friars Club [7.18]Edit
The Wig Master [7.19]Edit
- Jerry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?
- Jessie: Yeah... I guess you could say that..
- Jerry: Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."
- Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
The Calzone [7.20]Edit
- Steinbrenner: [after smelling the calzones] Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you! [runs out of his office]
- Kramer: Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
- Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven?
- Kramer: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.
- Jerry: [ironically] For both of us.
- Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.
- Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
- Kramer: I'm baking a pie!
The Bottle Deposit(1) [7.21]Edit
- Newman: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
- Kramer: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
- Newman: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.
- Kramer: (interested) Uh-huh.
- Newman: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
- Kramer: (realization) Mother's Day.
- Newman: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
- Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
- Newman: (excited) We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
- Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
- Newman: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!
The Bottle Deposit(2) [7.22]Edit
- Farmer's daughter: No, Daddy, don't hurt him! I love him! Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!
The Wait Out [7.23]Edit
- Kramer: [fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
- Jerry: You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
- Kramer: Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
- Jerry: With a different body.
- Kramer: Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.
The Invitations [7.24]Edit
- Susan: Since when do you smoke?
- George: [coughs] I've always smoked.
- Susan: I've never seen you smoke.
- George: Oh, yeah? Well, I quit smokin.' I [coughs] gave it up for a w- [cough] while, but it was too tough. Y' know, [cough] I haven't got the will power.
- Susan: I don't like this one bit.
- George: Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted... [coughing, wretching] they got a hold of me.
- Susan: Well, you are gonna have to quit.
- George: Oh, God! [runs to the bathroom]
- George: I put a lot of thought into this, and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.
- Susan: A pre-nup?
- George: Yeah. [Susan laughs] What's so funny?
- Susan: Hahahaha... You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers. I'll sign 'em.
The Foundation [8.1]Edit
- Jerry: It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
- Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
- Jerry: I know. I feel bad about that.
- Kramer: What's wrong?
- Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.
- Kramer: Where?
- Jerry: Myanmar.
- Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?
The Soul Mate [8.2]Edit
- Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
- And fondled his muscled heart.
- He imbibed her glistening spell,
- Just before the other shoe fell.
The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]Edit
- [Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]
- Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.
- Jerry: This is really weird..
The Little Kicks [8.4]Edit
- George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
- Jerry: Elaine danced?!
- George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
- Frank: My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!
- Elaine: You got that right.
- Frank: What the hell does that mean?
- Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
- Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
- Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.
- Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
The Package [8.5]Edit
- Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
- Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
- Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
- Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
- Jerry: So were going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
- Kramer: It's just a write-off for them.
- Jerry: How is it a write-off ?
- Kramer: They just write it off.
- Jerry: Write it off what?
- Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
- Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
- Kramer: Do you?
- Jerry: No. I don't.
- Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
- (Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud)
- Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
- Jerry: Define "rarely".
- Newman: Frequently.
The Fatigues [8.6]Edit
- Bania: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
- Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
- Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
The Checks [8.7]Edit
- Jerry: [pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
- Elaine: Uh huh.
- Jerry: I invented that.
The Chicken Roaster [8.8]Edit
- Jerry: Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
- Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
- Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
- Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
- Jerry: Kramer did this. He set you up, didn't he?
- Newman: [desperately] Yes! Now, please, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard]
The Abstinence [8.9]Edit
- Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
- Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.
The Andrea Doria [8.10]Edit
- Jerry: You had more bread?
- Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
- Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
- George: I was handcuffed to the bed, in my underwear, where I remained for […] She certainly seemed interested in me and though she was attractive, she was also in fact, a Nazi […] The water I had been swimming in was very cold and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage […] Her parents were looking at me. So there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole […] In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you. Oh, also: my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again.
The Little Jerry [8.11]Edit
- Jerry: Little Jerry's a lean mean peckin' machine!
- Kramer: The whole fight lasted two seconds!
- Jerry: How long do they usually la—
- Kramer: About five seconds.
- Kramer: [in slow motion, trying to save Little Jerry] LITTLE JERRYYYYYYYY!
- Jerry: KRAMMMMMERRRRRRRRR!
- Elaine: Stop the fight!!
- George: Tamales!
The Money [8.12]Edit
- George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
- Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
- George: 20 years... that long?
- Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
- George: Unfortunately, yes.
- Jerry: How's your family history?
- George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
- Jerry: Really?
- George: Aunt Baby.
The Comeback [8.13]Edit
- George: Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
- [Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
- George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
- Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
- George: What does that mean?
- Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
- George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
- Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
- Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
- George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!
- Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
- George: ...Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
- McAdam: His wife is in a coma..
The Van Buren Boys [8.14]Edit
- Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
The Susie [8.15]Edit
- George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.
The Pothole [8.16]Edit
- Newman [While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flammable paint thinner]: You're once, twice, three times a- [Truck goes on fire] AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!
The English Patient [8.17]Edit
- Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
- Elaine: How about, it sucked?
The Nap [8.18]Edit
- Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
- Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".
- Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
- [Kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]
- Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
- Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
- Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
The Yada Yada [8.19]Edit
- Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
- George: Really?
- Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
- Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
- Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
- [The phone rings.]
- Jerry: Hello?
- Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to The New York Times?
- Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]
The Millennium [8.20]Edit
- Jerry: Good meeting?
- George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
- Jerry: You can do that.
- George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"
- George: Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!
The Muffin Tops [8.21]Edit
- Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
- George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
The Summer of George [8.22]Edit
- George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!
- George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
- Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months?
The Butter Shave [9.1]Edit
- George: What is Holland?
- Jerry: What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.
- George: No, that's the Netherlands.
- Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
- George: Then who are the Dutch?
- [Elaine and Puddy going to Europe for a month.]
- Kramer: A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.
The Voice [9.2]Edit
- Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
- Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
- Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
- Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
- Jerry: So, what’s going on?
- George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.
- Jerry: So, are you going to leave?
- George: Oh, no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.
- Jerry: I thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?
- George: I’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.
- Jerry: I’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.
The Serenity Now [9.3]Edit
- Frank: Serenity now! Serenity now!
- George: What is that?
- Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"
- George: Are you supposed to yell it?
- Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
- Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
- Elaine: Where did that come from?
- Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
- Elaine: [intimidated] No.
- Jerry: Good.
The Blood [9.4]Edit
- Kramer: Anyway, you're lucky I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
- Jerry: (nervous) ...What?
- Kramer: Yeah. You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!
- (Jerry screams. Trying to calm him down, Kramer starts screaming too)
- Jerry: Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.
- Kramer: (confused) You didn't get the blood from me...
- Jerry: Then who...?
- (Newman walks in, with gauze on his arm)
- Newman: (grinning) Hello, Jerry.
- (Jerry screams. Kramer joins him. Newman looks confused, then starts screaming with them.)
The Junk Mail [9.5]Edit
- Woman: [indicating Kramer's dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
- Kramer: Because we are blind to their tyranny.
- Woman: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
The Merv Griffin Show [9.6]Edit
- Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
- Jerry: Oh, my God!
- Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set!
- Jerry: How did you get this in here?
- Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
- Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
- Kramer: Yeah... backstage.
- Jerry: I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
- Kramer: Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.
- Jerry: Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.
- Kramer: No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.
- Jerry: Oh, no.
- Kramer: All right then, what was it?
- Jerry: Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
- Kramer: The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
The Slicer [9.7]Edit
- Kramer: I've sliced meat so thin, you couldn't see it.
- Elaine: How did you know?
- Kramer: I guess I just assumed.
The Betrayal [9.8]Edit
- George: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
- Elaine: He schnapped me!
The Apology [9.9]Edit
- Kramer: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
- Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
- Kramer: Showering. How long does it take you?
- Jerry: Ten minutes.
- Kramer: Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
- Elaine: Ten minutes.
- Kramer: Let me smell you.
- Elaine: All right. Whiff away.
- Kramer: [after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.
The Strike [9.10]Edit
- Jerry: They're cloning sheep now.
- Kramer: No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
- Frank: It's Christmas for some, a Festivus for the rest of us!!
The Dealership [9.11]Edit
- Jerry: Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!
- George: Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!
- Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
- David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
- Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
- David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
- Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
- David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
- Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
- David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.
The Reverse Peephole [9.12]Edit
- Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.
- Elaine: Why?
- Newman: To prevent an ambush.
- Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
- Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.
- Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."
The Cartoon [9.13]Edit
- Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
- George: Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...
- Elaine: We know what a face consists of.
- Jerry: [reading the latest Ziggy comic] "The New Yorker's stealing my jokes". Ha, now that's funny... because it's true.
The Strongbox [9.14]Edit
- Maura: Ew, Mr. Apple, you have a brown spot!
The Wizard [9.15]Edit
- George: What's that?
- Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
- George: How much was it?
- Jerry: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
- George: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
- Jerry: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.
- Jerry: House in the Hamptons?
- George: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
The Burning [9.16]Edit
- Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
- Elaine: "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
- Jerry: I thought so.
- Elaine: She's not a me. I'm a me.
- George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
The Bookstore [9.17]Edit
- Jerry: That guy: swarm, swarm!
The Frogger [9.18]Edit
- Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
- George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
- Jerry: I remember that night.
- George: Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
- Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
- Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
- George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
The Maid [9.19]Edit
- Kramer: [on the phone] Hey, I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
The Puerto Rican Day [9.20]Edit
- Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
- Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
- Kramer: Oh, no.
- Bob: Him?
- Cedric: That's not very nice.
- Jerry: See ya around, Maroon Golf! Oh and by the way, that was a "I'm not sorry wave"?
- Maroon Golf: What was that?
- Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
The Clip Show (1) [9.21]Edit
- Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years: seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere... except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.
The Clip Show (2) [9.22]Edit
The Finale (1) [9.23]Edit
- [Newman is begging Jerry to take him to Paris.]
- Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!
- Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!
- Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
- George: [as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: There's something I have to tell you!
- Jerry: What is it?
- George: I cheated in the contest!
- Jerry: What?
- George: The contest! I cheated!
- Jerry: What? Why?
- George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
- Jerry: Great! I won!
The Finale (2) [9.24]Edit
- Hoyt: State your name.
- Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
- Hoyt: Could you spell that?
- Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
- Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
- George: Really?
- Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
- George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
- Jerry: You think?
- George: I think we have.
- Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.