Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 5)

season of television series

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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

The Larry David Sandwich [5.1]

[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]
Ted: Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?
Larry: Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?
Ted: White fish?
Larry: White fish and sable. Uhm..
Ted: What is sable?
Larry: It's a fish.
Jeff: It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.
Ted: You have two fishes in the sandwich?
Larry: But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
Ted: What else is in it? No condiments?
Jeff: Cream cheese.
Larry: There's some cream's..
Jeff: Capers.
[Larry gives Jeff a look]
Larry: There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.
Jeff: Onions.
[Larry gives Jeff another look]
Ted: That sounds awful.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Ted: My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".
Larry: Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.
Ted: Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..
Jeff: Capers..and onions.
Larry: Hey, shut the fuck up!

The Bowtie [5.2]

Wanda: You know what's going on.
Larry: Huh?
Wanda: You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!
Cheryl: Wanda...
Wanda: Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?
Larry: No, I didn't train it to hate black people.
Wanda: Has it barked at any white people?
Cheryl: ...No, he's...he's...
Larry: So he hasn't barked at any white people.
Wanda: Exactly. Your dog is racist.
Larry: Sheriff's racist?
Wanda: "Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?
Cheryl: Larry picked him out at the pound.
Larry: The pound.
Wanda: Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

The Christ Nail [5.3]

[to the handyman]
Larry: See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

Kamikaze Bingo [5.4]

[to Larry everytime he walks in to Hana Sushi]
Chefs: Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!

Lewis Needs a Kidney [5.5]

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff: Good night nurse.
Nurse: Good night.
Jeff: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I've never heard of it.
Jeff: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff: Do you?
Nurse: Do you?
Jeff: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.

The Smoking Jacket [5.6]


The Seder [5.7]

Larry: I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.
Cheryl: You did?
Larry: Yeah.
Cheryl: Aww.
Larry: I'm sorry.
Cheryl: No, that's okay.
Larry: Oh really?
Cheryl: Well, he's alone.
Larry: Oh, aren't you a doll.
Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.
Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

The Ski Lift [5.8]

[Larry and Ben's daughter are stuck on a ski lift right before sunset]
Ben's daughter: Somebody's gonna have to jump.
Larry: Oh, stop.
Ben's daughter: Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!
[Larry looks down]
Ben's daughter: Are you gonna jump?!
Larry: What are you, fuckin' nuts?

Larry: You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.

Larry: Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?
Nurse: No, I have not.
Larry: Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?
Nurse: You want to tell me what you're driving at?
Larry: I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

[Larry pretending to be Orthodox Jew to suck up to the guy in charge of organ donation]
Larry: I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.
Ben's daughter: Like a rock band?
Larry: Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.
Ben's daughter: Oh, like what songs?
Larry: Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".
Cheryl: What was the name of your band?
Larry: The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry: You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

The Korean Bookie [5.9]

Larry: I owe you money, okay?
Song: Yes. Here we go.
Larry: [checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.
Song: How come you never have cash, Larry?
Larry: I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.
Song: No, I see you on the-
Larry: But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.
Song: Okay, last time.
Larry: Last time, Song.
Song: Okay? 'Cuz I like you.
Larry: Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.
Song: I know where you live.

[Larry is wearing a huge sun hat]
Jeff: What's with the hat?
Larry: What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.
Jeff: It does look ridiculous. You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry: This is unbelievable!
Jeff: I've never tasted anything like this.
Larry: What is this dish?
Caterer: Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.
[Larry's face turns to disgust]

The End [5.10]

Nurse: You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.
Larry: Really?
Nurse: You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Larry: Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
Nurse: You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Larry: Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.
Nurse: You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.

Larry: I have a system..I..I have a..