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Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2008 comedy film by Kevin Smith

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a 2008 comedy film about lifelong platonic friends Zack and Miri who look to solve their respective cash-flow problems by making an adult film together. As the cameras roll, however, the duo begin to sense that they may have more feelings for each other than they previously thought.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith.
What would you do to get out of debt?taglines

Zack Brown

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  • We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!
  • [Repeated line] Let us fuck!
  • I don't want to be with anyone but you, so I will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life, because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember, and I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.
  • [To Lester nude in the kitchen] Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester, but if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?

Other

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  • Brandon: [To Bobby] I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain...of gayness.
  • Lester: [To Zack in the kitchen] Don't know what a Dutch rudder...? All right, you grab your dick, then you have someone else work your arm. Here, let me show you. All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down. It's like someone else is jerking you off. Okay. There's the double Dutch rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm, same time. It's like jerking off together but not gay. We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway. I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it. It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

Dialogue

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Miriam Linky: What happened to the water?
Zack Brown: I guess they musta shut it off...
Miriam Linky: Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack Brown: There's poo in there...
Miriam Linky: The back part of the toilet!
Customer: Can I get a coffee, black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, white?
Brandon: [Referring to Miri's outfit] In L.A., we call that "Nickelodeon chic".
Zack Brown: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?
Brandon: I'm an actor.
Zack Brown: Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon: Thank you.
Zack Brown: Fucking movies!
Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much.
Zack Brown: Look at you! Anything I would have seen? What movies?
Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack Brown: All-male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross, like that?
Brandon: Like Glen and Gary Suck Ross's Meaty Cock and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth.
Zack Brown: [Pause] Is that like a sequel?
Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining.
Zack Brown: Oh, like The Wiz.
Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack Brown: I apologize in advance if I am outta line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon: [smiles] Guilty as charged.
Zack Brown: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?
Miriam Linky: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to jack it in our bathroom.
Zack Brown: No. You know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band, and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGyver!
Zack Brown: What's your name?
Lester: Lester... Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called... Pete Jones.
Zack Brown: Brandon here is the star of such adult films as...what was that one called again?
Brandon St. Randy: You Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna Fuck It.
Zack Brown: Oh, yeah... surprised I forgot that.
Zack Brown: [Suggesting porn titles] Fuckback Mountain!
[Miriam makes a face]
Zack Brown: ...Too soon?
Zack Brown: Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
Delaney: Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
Miriam Linky: Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
Delaney: On the other hand, fuck my wife.
Zack Brown: I've known her since the first grade. You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten. We got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack Brown: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
Lester: Hey Stacey. You like dogs?
Stacey: Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.
Lester: Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.
Stacey: Me too. Except for the dick part, because I don't have one but the good part.
Lester: Cool. Well, see ya.
Stacey: Bye.
Zack Brown: Oh, you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.
Miriam Linky: Yeah, right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.
Zack Brown: Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?
Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miriam Linky: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack Brown: That's too dirty?
Miriam Linky: That offends me.
Zack Brown: Penis?
Miriam Linky: Fine.
Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!
Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!
Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if somebody said, "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid," I'd be like, "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?!"
Miriam Linky: So... I guess we should do this.
Zack Brown: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miriam Linky: Stop it. You look good.
Zack Brown: Thanks.
Miriam Linky: So...what about me? How do I look?
Zack Brown: I mean, you look beautiful. You always look...so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you...you look amazing.
Miriam Linky: [Grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!
Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder...shot me down on that, too.
Zack Brown: And a Dutch Rudder is...?
Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder—alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it, work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? See, it's like somebody else is jerking you off. And of course, there's the Double Dutch Rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm. Same time! Same time. It's like jerkin' off together, but not gay. [Shakes head.] We're not touchin' dicks! Each other's dicks, anyway. I'm touchin' my own dick. You're workin' it, and I'm lovin' it. It feels good, sir... try me! C'mon!
Zack Brown: I don't mean to alarm you...but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam Linky: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack Brown: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam Linky: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack Brown: Good. I'm getting tired of fucking the fleshlight.
Miriam Linky: [Laughs] You fucked it?
Zack Brown: Yeah.
Miriam Linky: What'd it feel like?
Zack Brown: ...fucking a flashlight.

Taglines

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  • What would you do to get out of debt?
  • A poster for everyone who finds our movie title hard to swallow.
  • They Made A Movie So Naughty We Can Only Show Their Faces

Cast

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