Shameless (American TV series)/Season 9
Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.
Season 9
editAre You There Shim Its Me Ian [9.1]
edit- Huntington: Got you! I've got you!
- Carl: You don't have him, Huntington.
- Huntington: I just need a better grip, sir!
- Carl: Are you trying to screw me out of becoming cadet lieutenant next year, maggot?
- Huntington: No, sir.
- Carl: Well, it sure as shit looks like it. Drop that cadet, pissant. Jesus. Not literally.
- Huntington: Sorry, sir. Sorry, Raul.
- Carl: I have my year-end review with the general this afternoon. Do you know what that might be about, puke-head?
- Huntington: No, sir. Y-yes, sir. Uh, me, sir?
- Carl: I've had the entire school year to get you plebes into fighting shape, and yet one big, fat turd who can't keep up.
- Huntington: I'll do better, sir!
- Carl: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and you are my weakest link! Get out of my face! Cadets... and Dave... dismissed! Corporal Gallagher is on the move!
- [Ian and Fiona are talking via visitation phones at the prison]
- Fiona: I'm close to getting the bail money. The court just did an appraisal on my building.
- Ian: How soon?
- Fiona: Tomorrow, maybe.
- Ian: I- I need a few more days. There's oppression everywhere in here.
- Fiona: W- what are you talking about? I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
- Ian: My work here is not done. I-I'm saving the submissives from their sexual oppressors.
- Fiona: And I'm getting you a $50,000 gift of freedom.
- Ian: Look, I organized a strike against the gangbangers who terrorize the gay and trans inmates. They take out their feelings of... inadequacy and repressed homosexuality on us queers, and they practice really bad sexual hygiene.
- Fiona: A- are they giving you your meds in there?
- Ian: I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered, Fiona.
- [Joselito and his gang walks up to Ian sitting with his posse at a table]
- Joselito: Last night, I fucked my sink. My balls are so blue.
- Inmates: Yeah, that's right.
- Ian: Then shall we talk, try to agree on the proper ways to manage our relationships with those we love and care for?
- Joselito: Sure. Whatever the fuck you say, as long as I get my ass eaten out.
- Ian: All right. Let's break bread and drink wine together.
- Anne: Good afternoon. Thank you all for coming in on such short notice. Earlier today, I was contacted by the county health department.
- Woman 1: Lice again?
- Anne: I wish.
- Man 1: Then what? I got an open house in 30 minutes.
- Anne: There's an epidemic at our school.
- Woman 2: Measles?
- Man 2: It's because of those anti-vaxxer French kids you let in, isn't it?
- Anne: It's not the measles. We're talking about a very... delicate issue: a sexual epidemic.
- Woman 3: In elementary school?
- Frank: That's the French.
- Woman 4: My kid's nine.
- Woman 5: And she's a giant slut.
- Man 3: Honey, stop.
- Woman 5: I'm serious. You should see what her daughter wears out of the house.
- Woman 4: It's called style.
- Man 4: Maybe your son should take a few pointers.
- Anne: Please, enough. I'm not talking about the children, for God sakes. I'm talking about you people. The epidemic has been traced to this PTA.
- Man 4: What?
- Anne: I'll turn this over to Dr. Jonathan Rosenbaum from the county health board to further explain.
- Jonathan: Ah, thank you. Um, as mentioned, uh, this is a sensitive issue, but one that we do not take lightly. Over the past few weeks, four people have tested positive for virulent strains of multiple STDs. The only thing these people have in common was this PTA group. In all my time at the county health department, I- I've never seen symptoms of all three venereal diseases... chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis... in four people at once.
- Man 2: Who the hell are the four?
- Woman 1: Not me.
- Woman 3: [Coughs] Bullshit.
- Jonathan: Uh, I can't reveal that information, but swift action must be taken so we can learn who these individuals came in contact with so we can contain the epidemic.
- Man 5: You're saying these four people may have given it to the rest of us?
- Jonathan: Yes.
- Woman 2: But that could only happen from sex.
- Jonathan: You... you don't get an STD from a toilet seat.
- Man 6: This is absurd. If you excuse me, I have a root canal to perform.
- Jonathan: Sir, you're gonna stay and be tested.
- Man 5: Can't keep us here against our will.
- Jonathan: Actually, I can. The Illinois Sexual Transmissible Disease Control Act states that we can order the testing and the isolation of an individual to stop the spread of an STD until such time that the danger to the public health is eliminated. That's the law.
- Parents: What?! Are you kidding me?!
- Jonathan: Folks!
- Parents: What is going on here?!
- Jonathan: As soon as everyone is tested, we can determine who can leave and who will need intravenous antibiotics. Thank you.
- ...
- Man 3: Whoever you four fuckers are that are infected, I just got a foot-long Q-tip just shoved up my dick.
- Jonathan: I understand your anger and your frustration, and we appreciate your cooperation. At this time, everyone has been tested. Thank you. Uh, Donald and Eliza Watts, Paula Dowd, Leah and John Alperin, Tod Carney, Kate and Lina Thomas. You're all free to go.
- Man 7: Yes!
- Parent: Fuck.
- Woman 3: What about the rest of us?
- Jonathan: You all tested positive.
- Man 2 and Woman 3: No, that's impossible. I'm calling my lawyer. That's ridiculous.
- Jonathan: Look, folks, we have to trace this communicable web to see if anybody is infected that is not in this room. Look, I can't force you to reveal your sexual partners, but any information you give us could very well save lives.
- Man 2: I slept with I- Irene Bragg.
- Woman 2: [Slaps him] Asshole!
- Man 2: Fucking whore.
- Jonathan: Ed.
- Man 2: [Points to woman] Charlize Stewart.
- Charlize's husband: What?
- Parents: I slept with my tennis pro... I slept with our nanny.... I had sex with my gynecologist... [Frank looks pleased]
- ...
- Jonathan: Beverly.
- Beverly: My gardener, Pablo. I, uh... I don't know his last name. Uh, Kurt Alvarez. Our pool guy. And, uh... [Gestures to Frank] Frank.
- Woman 3: I slept with Frank. [Raises hand]
- Woman 1: So did I.
- Woman 2: Me too.
- Charlize: Yep. Frank.
- Women: I slept with Frank... I slept with Frank.... Frank. [All women raise their hands]
- ...
- Jonathan: Thank you all for staying. You're all to be commended. Um, at this point, you've all received your first IV dose of amoxicillin. In four hours, you'll receive another dose, followed by your final dose, four hours after that, until you are no longer a public health risk. Have fun.
- Man 2: How are we supposed to relax in this place when we are trapped like rats?
- Woman 3: If you hadn't spread your legs for half these guys, we wouldn't be here.
- Man 2: Don't blame this on me. You screwed just as many people as I did.
- Woman 3: I don't understand why we can't leave.
- Woman 2: It's not like we're gonna have sex and infect the rest of the world.
- Man 6: You're definitely not gonna have sex. I mean, you don't want to have sex more than quarterly.
- Woman 2: I have post-partum!
- Man 6: For three years?
- Frank: Uh, in my experience, she's got quite an active libido, but hey, let's not fight. We gotta make the best of this situation.
- Charlize's husband: The best of this situation? You fucked all of our wives, Gallagher. Probably the reason for this whole damn thing.
- Beverly's husband: Yeah. Yeah, let's kill him. Yeah.
- Frank: Oh, will you... Would you calm down?! Stop. Careful. Stop it. Look at the bright side! We're getting free medical care. Free medical care!
- Beverly's husband: You destroyed my marriage.
- Frank: I did you a favor! My penis might have actually helped you to heal. Did you ever think of that?
- Beverly's husband: The hell are you talking about?
- Frank: Your bodies are developing immunity to a horrible disease thanks to me!
- Woman 1: Three horrible diseases.
- Frank: The fact that you're all cheating is a lot more serious than a couple of silly sexually transmitted diseases. I think you should use this time to reexamine your relationships.
- Charlize: There's nothing wrong with our relationships.
- Frank: Is that what you think, Charlize? Because you told me you feel sexually invisible in front of Wells.
- Charlize's husband: What? That's bullshit!
- Frank: She said you don't find her attractive since she had your child. You saw the baby come out of that thing, and it grossed you out. You gotta get over it, man.
- Man 2: Who the hell are you, to tell us what to do?
- Frank: I'm the guy who supplied your wives a service. That's who. You men have been neglecting them. Been off screwing other women because it's more exciting, but you have not put the time into your marriages, so I've had to do the work. Thank God I'm great at sex. It's probably 'cause I've had a lot of practice. A lotta practice. Lotta, lotta, lotta practice.
- Len: I'm gonna kill him.
- Frank: What is your problem, man?! Will you...
- Len: Come on, kill the bastard! [Walks over to Frank knocking him down and attempting to throttle him]
- Darren: [Runs over and attempts to separate them] Get off! Come on! Look! Look, Frank might have a point.
- Len: He does?
- Frank: Yeah! Listen to Darren.
- Darren: The truth is, Sasha, I've been working too much, and I haven't... haven't been a very good husband, or a very good father, and maybe we could just, you know, go somewhere and... and talk about it.
- Sasha: Fine.
- Darren: Yeah?
- Frank: Did you see that, people? The flame of love, relit right in front of your eyes. Does anyone else want to talk, try to come up with a solution?
- Irene's husband: I don't. Irene can rot in hell, for all I care.
- Irene: You'll be right there next to me.
- Frank: Well, maybe some people need a little longer to process.
- Beverly: Len, we haven't had sex in ages.
- Len: Honey, let's not air out our laundry here.
- Frank: Len, please, let her... let her continue.
- Beverly: You denied having sex with every woman in here, yet you tested positive. That doesn't make sense to me, Len. They must have made a mistake.
- Richard: Tell them about us, Len.
- Len: Okay. Fuck it. It's true. Richard and I are having an affair. [Richard and Len walks toward each other and embrace in passionate kissing]
- Frank: Well, I didn't see that coming. You see, folks? Love is love is love.
- Tami: Oh, thank God. I would never hear the end of it from Cami.
- Lip: The maid of honor?
- Tami: Yep. Her sister, Tami.
- Lip: Cami and Tami, huh?
- Tami: Yeah, well, our parents, Pami and Sami, weren't very creative. I'm fucking with you. They're Bob and Kim. Are you the best man?
- Lip: Yeah, I'm Lip.
- Tami: What's up with your hair? Are you, like, in the Marines or some shit?
- Lip: I was freebasing. My head caught on fire. I'm fucking with you. No, I, uh, fell asleep with gum in my mouth.
- Tami: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
- Lip: Oh, says the lady with the bouffant and the princess headband.
- Tami: I spent hours on this.
- Lip: Well, you can't get that time back, can you?
- Fiona: I always fantasized about having enough money to stock up on toilet paper.
- Ford: Lofty goals.
- Fiona: Hey, when I was a kid, we had to use whatever we could find. Christmas napkins, paperbacks, coffee filters.
- Ford: You don't answer it?
- Fiona: No. Got boxes to unpack. I've got a bathroom to clean. I clean it every week.
- Ford: It's not that dirty, is it? Ever look behind the toilet?
- Fiona: No, and I never plan on doing so.
- Ford: Uh-huh.
Mo White For President [9.02]
edit- Frank: Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
- Kermit: We were good.
- Tommy: You smell like actual shit, Frank.
- Frank: Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
- Veronica: Can't pay with cans, Frank.
- Frank: Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
- Veronica: And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
- Frank: Right, and now I'm recycling them.
- Veronica: No.
- Frank: Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
- Veronica: [Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
- Frank: Guys, can you spot me?
- Tommy: We fucking hate you, Frank.
- Frank: V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
- Veronica: You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
- Tommy: Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
- Frank: Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
- Veronica: Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
- Hughie: You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
- Frank: Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
- Hughie: I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
- Frank: I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
- Hughie: This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
- Frank: For stolen signs? What's the catch?
- Hughie: Just get paid to steal.
- Frank: All right, thanks.
- Lip: What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
- Liam: Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
- Carl: At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
- Debbie: [Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
- Kevin: Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
- Debbie: Why are you speaking to me?
- Kevin: 'Cause you're Debbie.
- Debbie: No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
- Kevin: So you can't do it?
- Debbie: [Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
- Anne: Are you familiar with the saying; "sins of the father?
- Liam: Think I've heard it at home.
- Anne: Your father made a lot of Hopkins parents very... unhappy, and where there's unhappiness, there's often anger and retribution. The Committee for Diversity and Advancement who fund your scholarship, they have made some demands and, well, we've loved having you here, son.
- Liam: Why are you speaking in past tense?
- Anne: We see this as an opportunity for you. With the step up that we have given you, you can soar now, little bird.
- Liam: I'm getting kicked out?
- Anne: [In dejected tone] Yeah.
- Ubberman secretary: Are you lost, honey?
- Carl: Cadet Lieutenant Carl Gallagher. I'm here to see Congressman Ubberman, ma'am.
- Ubberman secretary: Why?
- Carl: I seek the honor of his recommendation for West Point.
- Ubberman secretary: Are you a constituent?
- Carl: Ma'am?
- Ubberman secretary: You live around here? [Carl nods] Okay, sweetheart, I'll tell you how this works. First, you set up an appointment, and the first avail we have is in nine weeks. And you come back with your transcripts and your vitae--
- Carl: My what?
- Ubberman secretary: Your athletic and your academic achievements. You know, publications, awards, and your exceptional record of your volunteer work in this community.
- Carl: Volunteer work? You have to work for free to get into West Point? Thought you just had to wanna kill some towel heads. The 100 hours of community service I did after juvie count? Court-ordered?
- Ubberman secretary: No. Here is a list of our accredited volunteer organizations. Maybe start there.
- Carl: Any of them pay?
- Ian: When we speak of marriage, what do we speak of? Well, you could turn to the Bible, see what they have to say. We could try Ephesians 5:25. "For a man shall love his wife the way Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." But that's not very applicable to us, is it? Well, when I see these beautiful couples standing before me today, living under the terms of our newly-negotiated deal, one of mutual consent and reduced aggression, I see a true union, a union that defies categorization. So, Bob and Hobart, Sameer and EJ, Gary and Turkish, do you come to this courtyard today purely to exchange vows?
- Marrying inmates: I do.
- Ian: Let's start with you, Bob and Hobart.
- Prison guard: Gallagher. You made bail.
- Ian: What?
- Prison guard: You're out of here.
- Ian: No, there's been a mistake, all right? I'm in the middle of vows. My work here is not done. I am not leaving. [Ian stars getting manhandled away by guards]
- Prison guard: Move it, come on, come on.
- Ian: No.
- Inmates: [Get in a shoving matches with the guards] Don't touch Father Gallagher! We protect him. Let him finish!
- Ian: I don't wanna go!
- Hobart: So wait, are they married or not?! Say they're married, Gallagher!
- Ian: By the power vested in me and the great state of Illinois...! [Gate slams]
- Gayle: Mandarin Immersion today. So what do you think?
- Kevin: This is where I wanna go when I die.
- Gayle: Here is our applications packet with beaucoup info about Beaucoup.
- Kevin: What's this, uh, number here? Is that a year in the future?
- Gayle: No, that's our tuition.
- Veronica: For a year?
- Gayle: For the month.
- Kevin: For a month?!
- Veronica: Uh, that's three times our mortgage.
- Gayle: Oh, dear. Yes, these numbers can seem a little bit high, but it's pretty standard in Chicago.
- Veronica: Are there scholarships?
- Gayle: Not at Beaucoup. Why don't I recommend you somewhere that's a little more budget-friendly. Okay?
- [Lip and Brad are at an AA meeting]
- Brad: Wanna hit Patsy's for pie before work?
- Lip: It's kind of early for pie, no?
- Brad: It's never too early. Besides, they have breakfast pie. It's called "apple." [Scoffs]
- Lip: Hey, uh, thanks for your share, man.
- Jason: Was it okay? I- I mean, it's weird telling everybody your shit.
- Lip: Yeah, no, you did good. Just, uh, keep coming back.
- Jason: Hey, actually, can I ask you something?
- Lip: Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Jason: I don't know how this is supposed to go. I- Feels like I'm asking you out on a date or something. I need a sponsor. Wondering if you-- you'd be up to sponsoring me.
- Lip: Me? No, man, I'm- I'm the last guy you'd want to sponsor you. But, uh, you know, maybe ask Marshall.
- Jason: The guy with the walker?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Jason: [Snickers] I need somebody born after 1990. I mean, these people are all fucking dinosaurs. [To Brad] No offense.
- Brad: None taken, shithead.
- Jason: [To Lip] I feel like I could talk to you.
- Lip: Yeah, let me think about it, all right?
- Charmaine: So Congressman Ubberman's office sent you over? Where's that form? Oh. [Chuckles] Couple of routine questions. Why do you wanna be a mentor?
- Carl: I don't.
- Charmaine: Then, why are you here?
- Carl: I have to volunteer somewhere.
- Charmaine: What academic subjects could you tutor your mentee in?
- Carl: None.
- Charmaine: Special skills?
- Carl: Steady hand with a knife, ma'am. Like to cut things and watch 'em bleed.
- Charmaine: I think I might know a place for you, and... [Chuckles] I guarantee you they are in desperate need of volunteers. Here. [Hands business card]
- Carl: Soothing Horizon? Sounds like a nail salon.
- Charmaine: It's not.
- Debbie: My name is Debbie Gallagher and I am a welder with a vagina, and I am here to stand up to patriarchy! I am looking for any and all female employees...!
- Construction man: Show us your pussy!
- Debbie: To stand up with me, and say no! We need to stick together, ladies.
- Construction man: Sup, double Ds?
- Debbie: We will not be silent! Ow, you fucking dickhead. You almost hit my kid. 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, yo, lady, you gotta go.
- Construction man: You distracting my men.
- Debbie: They're a bunch of pig fucks.
- Construction man: We see boobs!
- Debbie: I am not leaving until I get to speak to one of your female employees.
- Construction man: There aren't any!
- Debbie: You don't have one female employee?!
- Construction man: No! So get your smelly cunt out of here!
- Ralph: Can I help you?
- Carl: Yeah, heard you guys might be in need of some volunteers.
- Ralph: You wanna volunteer? Here?
- Carl: Yes, sir. I'm in need of some documented community service. Trying to get into West Point.
- Ralph: Well, great. Military boy, huh?
- Carl: Yeah, strong stomach.
- Ralph: Perfect. How much can you bench, son? 'Cause these sons of bitches can get heavy.
- Carl: Uh, what is it exactly you guys are doing here?
- Ralph: Well, come on back, I'll show you. [Shows Carl a hose leading from the exhaust pipe of an idling vehicle to a window with two dogs in a room] Got a, uh, 15-year-old Rottweiler in there and a pair of 16-year-old Mastiffs. Should be done in a second.
- Carl: Done?
- Ralph: Yeah. Only takes three or four minutes, if you get the, uh, hose on the tailpipe right.
- Carl: You're killing dogs?
- Ralph: Yeah. That's the service we offer the community, son. Euthanasia for elderly, and, uh, terminally ill dogs. I'm a retired vet. Had my own practice for, uh, 38 years. And I got sick of seeing these poor people around here shooting their own dogs in the street when they got old, toss 'em in dumpsters and drop 'em off the bridge with a--with a cinderblock tied to their paw. And all because they couldn't afford the $150 to put 'em down at the vet's. Well, now they can call Soothing Horizon. We pick 'em up, bring 'em here, and let 'em go peaceful.
- Carl: In a gas chamber?
- Ralph: Yep. Uh... Banjo and Lucky are dead. [Dog whimpers and thumps] Skippy too. Come on, grab a leg.
- Frank: Let me ask you fine gentlemen, which of these congressional candidates look like you?
- Tommy: That's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
- Frank: Exactly. American men used to control everything. Look at a history book. We used to be the leading men. Now, we're marginalized. I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism. It's all diverse gays and vaginas now. The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [Bar patrons chatter]
- Frank: Give me a beer. I'll tell you something else. They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us. They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a--a goddamn African Art gallery?
- Tommy: So?
- Frank: We need a candidate of our own, boys. A bright, shining beacon of hope. We need someone who will promote and protect our values. Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear. Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience. But who?
- Tommy: What about Mo White?
- Kermit: He died.
- Frank: He did? Are you sure? He did- somebody check. Did he die?
- Bar patron: [Checking phone] Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
- Frank: Well, that's perfect. Mo White is a genius idea. He was a true American congressman. He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink. He helped rebuild Comiskey. He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
- Bar patron: A- and- and horse-shoe pits.
- Frank: That's right.
- Tommy: Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down?
- Frank: You bet your ass he did. Mo White is a friend of the South Side. We gotta find Mo White and write White in. [Frank] We need seed money for his campaign. [Grabs peanut bowl and holds up dollar bill] Ten bucks. I'll go first. Give me that. Ten bucks. Everybody, ten bucks. What do you say? Come on, yeah. The fundraising starts right now. The campaign pot is coming around. Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
- Bar patrons: Yeah.
- Frank: [Chuckles and starts chanting] Mo White... [All bar patrons join in chanting] Mo White...
Weirdo Gallagher Vortex [9.03]
edit- Lip: Um... The fuck you doing?
- Ian: Waiting.
- Lip: Waiting for what?
- Ian: Shim.
- Frank: [Arrives with Mo White campaign signs] Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me. Just showing our support for a better tomorrow. [Starts planting a sign on the lawn]
- Lip: Huh?
- Ian: Hi.
- Lip: W-what's a "shim"?
- Ian: Shim. God. But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him--Shim. Mother-father God.
- Lip: And you're waiting for Shim to...
- Ian: Talk to me. Tell me what to do next.
- Lip: Does that happen a lot?
- Ian: Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.
- Frank: That's because it never happened. Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit-- call it whatever you want-- but it ain't talking to you.
- Lip: And we weren't talking to you.
- Frank: Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time. Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra-- It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it. Religion isn't a startup, Ian. You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity. And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity. And there's your enlightenment. In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants. [Walks away]
- Kevin: [Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
- Craig: I haven't raped anybody in here.
- Kevin: No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
- Veronica: Who says we're rapey?
- Kevin: Some stupid article.
- Veronica: Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
- Kevin: Does she look familiar to you?
- Tommy: Oh, probably some lesbo.
- Kermit: No. No.
- Craig: I'd hit that for sure.
- Veronica: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
- Kevin: This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
- Sissy: Get your dumb-ass tote bag out of my space!
- Liam: It's actually not a tote bag. It's a satchel.
- Sissy: And who the hell starts a new school with three weeks left in the school year?
- Liam: All the private schools were full.
- Sissy: Fucking satchel boy.
- Kevin: I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
- Kermit: V got to you, didn't she?
- Veronica: The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
- Kermit: We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
- Tommy: In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
- Kermit: I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
- Veronica: No one talks to your ass anyway.
- Kermit: Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
- Veronica: Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
- Tommy: Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
- Veronica: You think women like that?
- Tommy: I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
- Kevin: All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
- Tommy: Tail?
- Veronica: No.
- Tommy: Wool?
- Veronica: No.
- Tommy: Women?
- Kevin: Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
- Veronica: Okay, I'm out.
- Kevin: Maybe we should just stick with "women."
- Craig: Oh. Some... women...
- Veronica: That's better.
- Craig: [Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
- Kevin: Mm-hmm.
- Craig: Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
- Kermit: Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
- Kevin: Kermit!
- Tommy: Why the hell would we want that?
- Craig: We need a consistent standard.
- Veronica: All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
- Kermit; I've never been so confused.
- Kevin: The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
- Teacher: [Handing back marked tests] What's that twirly writing?
- Liam: Cursive.
- Teacher: You know cursive.
- Liam: Yes, ma'am.
- Teacher: Wow.
- Frank: Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher, and, uh, that's Mo White. He's running for Congress.
- Mo White: Hello.
- Frank: And what is your name, if you don't mind my asking?
- Evelyn: Evelyn. Evelyn Thomas.
- Frank: Well, Evelyn, the reason we're here is that Mo is a proud South Sider, just like yourself. He grew up two blocks from here, over on Halsted, in what is now a crack den.
- Evelyn: Huh?
- Frank: And the point being, Evelyn, it's time for us to take pride in the South Side, and that starts with good people like you.
- Evelyn: Sir, I don't give a rat's ass about the South Side. I don't even have a damn job.
- Frank: [Laughs] I don't either, which is why we need Mo White in office! Right, Mo?
- Mo White: That's right.
- Frank: Mo wants to bring the jobs back to the working people in the South Side, the people whose parents and grandparents built this city! Pride is what made the South Side safe and strong, and that all starts with one thing, which is what?
- Evelyn: A job.
- Frank: A job. Bingo. Would you mind if we put a sign on your yard to show your support for Mo?
- Evelyn: Yeah, I guess that'd be okay. Sure.
- Frank: That's the South Side pride I'm talking about.
- Evelyn: All right. South Side pride.
- Frank: You bet.
- Evelyn: I like that. Yeah, okay. Okay.
- Frank: Oh, sorry. $10, please.
- Evelyn: What?
- Frank: Uh, any contribution is gratefully welcome. Uh, we suggest 10. Uh, some people are doing $20.
- Ian: Look, I've never been to a Buddhist temple before. I need Shim to talk to me. Uh, God. To talk to me. Any tips?
- Buddhist monk: Repeat. I'm here to learn.
- Ian: "I'm here to learn."
- Buddhist monk: I take refuge in the Buddha.
- Ian: "I take refuge in the Buddha."
- Buddhist monk: Until I attain enlightenment.
- Ian: "Until I attain enlightenment." Quick question. Once I attain enlightenment, then will Shim talk to me? 'Cause they did for a while. But then, suddenly, it stopped. So did Shim stop talking to me, or did I stop hearing Shim?
- ...
- Ian: Okay, uh, rough estimate, how long does it normally take?
- Buddhist monk: For Buddha, it took one night.
- Ian: Well, that's not that bad.
- Buddhist monk: After ages and lives of meditation.
- Ian: Right, okay. I don't have that kind of time. I'm sorry. Uh, namaste.
- Carl: Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
- Veronica: Ubberman. He's a congressman?
- Carl: You know him?
- Veronica: White guy? Red face? Sweaty?
- Carl: Yeah.
- Veronica: [Laughs] I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman?
- Carl: Seriously?
- Veronica: When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars. Dude used to like me to whip him and call him Wubby. And now he's a congressman.
- Carl: Do you still whip him?
- Veronica: Ah, I retired years ago. Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
- Carl: Would you ever think about coming out of retirement?
- Veronica: Never.
- Carl: Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream?
- Veronica: S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl. You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them. That is not how you ride a bike.
- Carl: I mean, that's okay. Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic. Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
- Rabbi: Hello. I'm afraid you just missed the Chabot morning service.
- Ian: Oh, actually, I was just, uh, looking for some answers.
- Rabbi: I'm the rabbi. What's the question?
- Ian: If a religion or a movement makes the world a better place, does it matter if it goes in a different direction than originally intended?
- Rabbi: Well, you pretty much just summed up every religion. A better question might be "What is God's will?"
- Ian: That's exactly what I want to know. Does God speak to you?
- Rabbi: I pray to God, yeah, but in the Jewish faith, we believe that the five books of the Torah are the word of God.
- Ian: Kind of like the Bible.
- Rabbi: Mm, just the first part.
- Ian: Yeah, I read it. So... God did speak to someone?
- Rabbi: To Moses, and Moses... [Clicks tongue] wrote it down.
- Ian: But he spoke to him, with words?
- Rabbi: Mm-hm, but only to Moses.
- Ian: No one else, ever?
- Rabbi: Not with words. He did set a bush on fire once.
- Ian: What is it with religions and setting things on fire?
Do Right, Vote White! [9.04]
edit- Lip: [Chuckles] No.
- Liam: [Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.
- Lip: Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.
- Liam: It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?
- Lip: [To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.
- Liam: All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.
- Lip: I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.
- ...
- Lip: Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?
- Carl: It's in God's hands now.
- Lip: Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.
- Carl: I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.
- Frank: Hey. Military service is for losers.
- Carl: Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?
- Frank: Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.
- Lip: I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.
- Frank: Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.
- Lip: Probably?
- Frank: But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.
- Lip: 'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.
- Frank: Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.
- Lip: Yeah, and the guy lost.
- Carl: How much you getting paid, Frank?
- Lip: [To Xan] Here you go.
- Frank: I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.
- Ian: Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.
- Ian: Oh. Sure they wouldn't have been better off if you'd just gassed them like you were supposed to?
- Carl: I couldn't bring myself to do it.
- Ian: How are you gonna order men to kill the enemy if you can't put down a couple of old dogs?
- Carl: What?
- Ian: That's what officers do- order men to kill. What'd you think they were gonna teach you at West Point, marching cadences?
- Carl: Is that what Gay Jesus would do?
- Ian: What, kill old dogs? Hell, no. Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you're not looking to get into Heaven. You want to lead lean, mean murdering machines. Can't kill a couple of old dogs, might be about time to start considering... teaching kindergarten? Nursing school?
- Veronica: You don't think someone could misinterpret that sign?
- Kevin: What? How? If you have a vagina, you're safe. Vagina Safe Zone. But it could mean all the vaginas inside are safe from disease. There is no way we are still on that rapiest bar list. We have all the signed sex consent forms, we took down all the rapey posters and the bondage stuff. It's time to call that bitch from the Southside Beat and get her back here to re-inspect.
- Frank: Mo, where you been? I've been looking all over for you. Today's about getting out the Mo vote and rounding up a few more campaign contributions while we still can. Bus'll be along any minute. You okay?
- Mo White: Did you see the polls in the Tribune this morning? They have us at six percent, Frank. Six. I didn't get back into politics to be humiliated.
- Frank: No, no, no, you got to look at the glass as half-full. The Tribune had us at three on Saturday. You've doubled your support in two days.
- Frank: Every little bit helps to save our South Side, Mr. Nowakowski. Most people give a 20, but a 50 would make youa true American patriot. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. Oh, this is a-a $5. Did you think it was a $50? [Glances across street] Oh, fuck.
- Mo White: [Speaking to a gaggle of junior high school girls] Washington is a fascinating place. Incredible opportunities for young student citizen interns. Hello, girls.
- Frank: Oh. Well, it's--you're too young to vote in this election, but you make sure to register the minute you hit puberty. Okay? Off you go. [Chuckles] Off you go. [Students walk away]
- Mo White: Hello, Kitty.
- Frank: That's not how you say it, Mo.
- [Carl answers the front door]
- Bryan: You Carl Gallagher?
- Carl: Yeah. [Bryan punches Carl in the nose] What the fuck?!
- Bryan: You took my recommendation to West Point. Congressman Ubberman promised it to me, and you stole it.
- Carl: I think you broke my nose!
- Bryan: Now my dad says I got to enlist in the Marines.
- Carl: And that's my problem how?! What the fuck?! Stop hitting me!
- Bryan: I'll fight you for it. A duel, to the death if necessary. I challenged you. You pick the weapons. Fists and feet, guns, knives, bats, bricks...
- Carl: What the fuck is a duel?
- Bryan: Duty, country, honor-- it's the West Point way. Meet at Damen Silos, tomorrow at dusk. The person still breathing gets the recommendation.
- Tommy: I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
- Veronica: Did you stop?
- Tommy: Banging her? Hell, no.
- Veronica: That's a Kobe.
- Tommy: You think she wanted me to stop?
- Veronica: You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
- Kermit: What's a Weinstein?
- Kevin: Being manipulative and pathetic.
- Kermit: About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
- Kevin: You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
- Craig: Allegedly.
- Kermit: No.
- Kevin: Then you're probably an Ansari.
- Kermit: What's an Ansari?
- Kevin: That's just being a dick.
- Craig: Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
- Kevin: Then fucked her?
- Craig: Mm-hmm.
- Kevin: A Cosby.
- Veronica: What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
- Kevin: A Lasseter.
- Tommy: Who the hell's that?
- Kevin: Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
- Kermit: I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
- Tommy: Holy shit.
- Kermit: What?
- Craig: Willy wagging.
- Kevin: CK.
- Tommy: I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
- Kevin: That's a Woody Allen.
- Tommy: W- she made all the first moves, though.
- Veronica: You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
- Kevin: Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
- Tommy: Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
- Veronica: Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
- Beth: Kevin Ball?
- Kevin: That's me.
- Beth: Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
- Kevin: Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
- Beth: Whiskey, neat.
- Mercy: Hi. You Lip?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Mercy: My sister says you have my kid. Xan. I want her back. [Follows Lip outside] Where is she?
- Lip: She's at school.
- Mercy: Where? I got to go get her.
- Lip: Where are you living?
- Mercy: What?!
- Lip: Where will Xan live?!
- Mercy: None of your goddamn business! Where's my kid?!
- Lip: No, not until you tell me where she's gonna be living!
- Mercy: We got an appointment!
- Lip: Oh, you have an appointment?!
- Mercy: Tell me where she is!
- Lip: What kind of appointment, huh?! With Social Services?! You need to show up...!
- Mercy: Give me my fucking kid!
- Lip: ...with Xan so you can keep collecting your benefits?! And then what, you're gonna dump her back out on to the streets?! Who the fuck do you think-- I'm someone who gives a shit about your daughter!
- Brad: [Appears outside] Jesus, what the hell's going on out here?! I got customers!
- Mercy: I want her back!
- Fiona: Come back tomorrow with an "I Voted" sticker, and you get free nachos.
- Tyesha: You're going to hell.
- Fiona: It's the way of the world, Tyesha. Every vote can be bought. Some votes are just cheaper than others.
- Tyesha: You don't think giving away nachos for the Hispanic guy is maybe a tiny bit racist?
- Fiona: Ruiz is from Puerto Rico. Nachos are from Mexico. Hey, Jorge. You registered to vote?
- Jorge: Yeah.
- Fiona: You want to come in a little later tomorrow, have time to get your family and friends to the polls for Ruiz?
- Jorge: I'm not voting for Ruiz.
- Tyesha: Hey. Some handsome Irish dude out here waiting for you.
- Fiona: Hi.
- Fiona: Is it 5:00 already?
- Ford: Mm-hmm.
- Fiona: Okay, uh, we'll hit Pilsen. Then we'll go over to Logan Square.
- Ford: [Sighs] The son of an Irish socialist helping a capitalist convince the immigrant masses to vote against their own interests. James Connolly would be spinning in his grave.
- Fiona: Who?
- Ford: James Connolly.
- Van thug: Hey, you're Ian, right? Gay Jesus.
- Ian: Yeah.
- Van thug: Um... I've been watching your videos with my friends. Burning vans, the sermons... It's inspiring.
- Ian: Thanks.
- Van thug: You really believe that's what Jesus was teaching?
- Ian: What, inclusion, love and acceptance for all? Yeah, absolutely.
- Van thug: You don't think God sees homosexual bestiality as a sinful perversion of His divine creation?
- Ian: What?
- Van thug: Get him! [Van side door opens and thugs chase Ian all the way home]
- Carl: You choose.
- Bryan: We count off 20 paces, turn, and shoot.
- Carl: Okay. [They cock their guns]
- Bryan: Uh, back to back. Saw it in a movie.
- [Carl and Bryan both count to twenty and Bryan shoots himself in the leg near the knee]
- Carl: What the hell did you do that for?!
- Bryan: I don't want to go to West Point!
- Carl: Fucking kid--
- Bryan: It's my dad! [He screams] I want to go to Sarah Lawrence and be a poet.
- Carl: What?
- Bryan: [Gasping] Hey, hey, hey... Oh, I'm a--I'm a cripple now. I don't have to go into the military.
- Carl: Yeah, I don't know if it works like that. It's a flesh wound. Probably heal up pretty quick.
- Bryan: Shit! Shit! Shoot me.
- Carl: What?!
- Bryan: Yeah, through the bone. All right, I'll have a limp. Great poets have limps.
- Carl: No fucking way.
- Bryan: "I wander, lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vale and hills, when all at once, I see a crowd, a host, of golden daffodils..."
- Carl: Jesus, knock off that golden daffodils shit.
- Bryan: "Besides the lake beneath the trees, fluttering, dancing in the breeze, continuous as the stars that shine and twinkle in the..." [Carl shoots Bryan deep in the leg near his crotch] Oh! Fuck! Fuck! Thank you. [Gasping with Carl standing over him with a look of schadenfreudesque pleasure] Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh, one was enough. I'm good. [Carl walks away] Ah, hey. Hey, thanks, man. Dude, kill it at West Point!
- Frank: Those hairy-armpit Rastas are tougher than they look. [Chuckles] Hey. Fought the good fight, Mo. You got nothing to be ashamed of.
- [Mo White supporters start cheering around TV]
- Female TV newscaster: In a shocking development on the South Side, and with all polling locations now reporting, Maurice "Mo" White is the surprise victor...
- Frank: Holy shit, Mo.
- Female TV newscaster: ...collecting just over 52% of the votes cast.
- Mo White supporters: [Chanting] Mo White...
- Frank: You won.
- Female TV newscaster: Pollsters admit that estimates were likely skewed due to the reluctance of most voters to admit they're actually bigots.
- Frank: You're a congressman again. What are you gonna do?
- Mo White supporters: [Chanting]Mo White!
- Mo White: Huh.
- Mo White supporters: [Chanting] Mo White!
- Mo White: Absolutely nothing. That's the beauty of being in Congress. You don't have to do a goddamn thing.
Black-Haired Ginger [9.05]
edit- Fiona: How do you listen to this crap?
- Ford: This is indie folk country.
- Fiona: It's like if a bad hipster band smacked into a truck of cows.
- Ford: Well, switch it if you want.
- Fiona: [Tooling on a tablet] Isn't your code your birthday?
- Ford: Put it in the American why or the right way?
- Ford: There. Irish, even. Little on the nose.
- Fiona: What, like your accent?
- Ford: You know, U2 is the band most made love to in all of Ireland.
- Fiona: Oh, well, you're in America now, bitch.
- Ian: Hi, Mr. Milkovich.
- Terry: Mickey's in Mexico. Fuck off, rectum boy.
- Ian: I'm not here to see Mickey. I'm here to see you.
- Terry: What, you trying to faggify all of us?
- Ian: You don't faggify people. That's not how-- how much time'd you do in the pen?
- Terry: Eighteen years, on and off.
- Ian: How bad was it?
- Terry: Depends on your definition of bad. Mouth-and ass-rapings-- which you'd probably enjoy-- beatings by the guards, food sucked--
- Ian: You were mouth- and ass-raped?
- Terry: You kidding? I did the raping. Milkoviches don't bottom.
- Ian: Was Mickey adopted?
- Terry: Fuck off, Gallagher.
- Ian: Okay, rapings... food, guards-- I can handle that shit. I just need to know if--
- Terry: Anyone can handle that shit. It's the boredom that'll kill you. Starts out, you're figuring out your surroundings. Then the day-to-day sets in. Start reading books, lifting weights, fuck a few of the pussy boys in the yard, but you're in the same place with the same assholes, doing the same shit every second of every hour of every day of every goddamned year. I was you, I'd pack my shit and run.
- Kevin: Should've heard these women's stories. Rapes, beatings- I had no idea. If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.
- Veronica: Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately? Hell, some asshole on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, said he lost his balance.
- Kevin: What?
- Regina: Yeah. A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday. Licked my nipple. Never seen him before in my life.
- Kermit: Jesus.
- Veronica: I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.
- Regina: I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.
- Tommy: All right, we get it. Christ.
- Veronica: I'm sorry. Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable? Welcome to womanhood.
- Kelly: Wanna have sex?
- Carl: Easy answer, yes, but Kev made me sign some form that I wouldn't fuck anyone who's too drunk to provide consent.
- Kelly: Who's Kev?
- Carl: He's the Vagina Safe guy.
- Kelly: Tell Kev I can keep my own vagina safe.
- ...
- [Carl wakes up with Kelly on top of him]
- Kelly: What the hell is this?!
- Carl: My phone?!
- Kelly: Did you film yourself fucking me while I was passed out?!
- Carl: I filmed myself not fucking you as proof!
- Kelly: Proof of what?!
- Carl: Not fucking you!
- Kelly: You lying piece of shit! [Carl shove her off him]
- Kelly: Why didn't you just leave me here?
- Carl: I didn't want you to choke on your own puke.
- Kelly: Bullshit!
- [Kelly kicks out Carl's leg and he falls down]
- Kelly: You're just like those rich pricks downstairs who think girls are their personal fuck toys. Your clip-on tie is gonna hurt way worse than a real one when I shove it 12...! [Carl knocks her down and runs out the room]
- [Knocks on door of Nessa and Mel and they answer]
- Debbie: Oh, you guys have a kid too. Oh, we should have a playdate sometime.
- Nessa: Sorry?
- Mel: Who are you?
- Debbie: I'm Debbie. Gallagher? Fiona's sister?
- Nessa: Right, hi.
- Debbie: Yeah? So... Uh, how did you guys know that you were lesbians?
- Mel: Really? [Turns and walks away]
- Nessa: Wow.
- Mel: Jesus Christ.
- Nessa: You're a lesbian? Uh... What are all those keys for?
- Debbie: I don't know. So confusing.
- Mel: What is confusing about it? You either like girls, or you don't.
- Debbie: I thought I did, but Alex--
- Nessa: Who's Alex?
- Debbie: My ex-girlfriend. She says I'm bad at lesbianism.
- Mel: [Reappears] That's- okay...
- Nessa: I don't even know what that means.
- Mel: All right. Look at me. [Opens bathrobe to show body to Debbie]
- Nessa: Oh, here we go.
- Mel: Are you thinking about my pussy right now?
- Debbie: I wasn't, but...
- Mel: [Leans in and kisses Debbie] You like that? Then that's all the lesbian you need to be.
- Nessa: She means you like what you like, and none of the rest of it matters, okay?
- Toby: Should we start this thing?
- Lip: Well, is there anyone else coming or...
- Toby: It's the afternoon. Maybe everyone's stuck at work.
- Lip: Yeah, we're a bunch of alcoholics. What's the likelihood of us all holding down jobs?
- Toby: Shorter meeting would be better anyway. Need to get to a gig.
- Lip: What do you do?
- Toby: I'm a sober companion.
- Lip: A what?
- Toby: I'm a babysitter for drunks. If an addict has something coming up need to stay sober for, I keep them away from the booze.
- Lip: They pay you?
- Toby: I'm getting 100 bucks to keep some teacher dry before an annual review. I got five grand to keep a prep school quarterback sober during recruitment season.
- Lip: Anyway, should we review the steps and get out of Dodge?
- Toby: Yeah, let's do it.
Face It, You're Gorgeous [9.06]
edit- Debbie: Hey. What you doing up there?
- Ian: Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.
- Debbie: You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
- Ian: Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
- Debbie: Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.
- Ian: Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?
- Lip: I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?
- Ian: Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?
- Lip: I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
- Frank: Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
- Debbie: We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
- Ian: Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
- Carl: Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
- Debbie: He doesn't want to do anything.
- Carl: What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?
- Ian: I'm good.
- [Lip meets Toby waiting outside hotel room door]
- Toby: Hey, man.
- Ian: Hey.
- Toby: Hey, man, thanks for covering for me.
- Ian: Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Toby: Client's in the room now.
- Ian: Okay.
- Toby: Hey, took an Ambien. She'll probably be asleep till tonight.
- Ian: Great, yeah.
- Toby: She got a stockholders' meeting in the morning with Highland Cosmetics. She's their keynote speaker, Jen Wagner. If she shows up hammered, the company's gonna drop her as their spokesperson.
- Ian: You're talking about Jen Wagner, the movie star chick?
- Toby: Yeah, that's the one.
- Ian: Uh, I didn't know she was a boozer.
- Toby: Everybody got their demons, right?
- Ian: Yeah.
- Toby: I should be back from dropping off my kid at camp around 5:00 to relieve you.
- Ian: All right. Yeah-yeah, I got you.
- Toby: Thank you.
- Ian: Yeah. [Toby walks down hall]
- Veronica: This cartoon is sexist.
- Kevin: V, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team. We just laugh and enjoy it.
- Veronica: I've got something else you can enjoy. [Sexually moves on him]
- Kevin: See ya, Paw Patrol. [Clicks off TV] Let's work off these donuts. I ate a lot of crullers.
- Veronica: Mm-hmm. [Someone knocks on door] Who is that?
- Kevin: Probably a Gallagher. Or a Jehovah. I'll get rid of them. [Opens door] Sister Frances.
- Sister Frances: Good morning.
- Kevin: Good mor- please, won't you come in?
- Sister Frances: Good morning. Have a- have a seat. Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today. [Produces a dildo]
- Kevin: That's weird. I wonder where she got it from.
- Sister Frances: The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other. Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings. Amy brought this.
- Kevin: I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. [Sister Frances attempts to turn it off] It's double-click. [She clicks it twice to turn it off]
- Sister Frances: In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
- Kevin: You're gonna kick her out because of this?
- Sister Frances: We would love to speak with the priest.
- Kevin: My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory. I can take that- or you can keep it as a parting gift. Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming. [Sees her to door]
- Frank: [Walking down hospital hall passing a woman in a wheelchair] Oh, look at that, someone got some pretty balloons!
- Man pushing wheelchair: The hell?!
- Frank: [To Liam handing him a stuffed bear] You can't visit the mentally ill empty-handed. Hey, Baxter, what's shaking?
- Baxter: Frankie!
- Frank: [Softly chuckles] Hey!
- Baxter: Wow! Long time!
- Frank: That's because my Monica died!
- Baxter: No...
- Frank: Yeah!
- Baxter: I am so sorry, buddy!
- Frank: Thanks, but it's gonna be okay! Got a new lady!
- Baxter: Hey, good for you!
- Frank: [Starts moving around furniture] And by my calculations, she should be finishing up her 72 hours today. So my son and I are just gonna hunker down until she gets released.
- Baxter: Wait, this is Liam?!
- Frank: Yep!
- Baxter: Wow. Last time I saw you, you must have been two years old, just talking up a storm!
- Liam: Oh, yeah?
- Baxter: Yeah. Hey, listen. I remember your mom's face just always lit up every time she saw you when she got released from here.
- Liam: Sure it wasn't the Thorazine?
- Frank: Hey, Baxter, could I get the, uh, remote?
- Baxter: Yeah.
- [Jen leaves her room with Lip spotting her]
- Lip: Hey, I- [She runs off to elevator losing Lip] Fuck, fuck, fuck...
- [He runs down emergency stairs meeting her in lobby walking after her]
- Lip: Hi. Thought I lost you. Um. Uh, hey, could you wait up? I- I'm- I'm supposed to- to be with you.
- Jen: My sober companion, yeah, I know, I got it. I'm just going for a little walk. I-
- Lip: [They're walking across bridge over Chicago river] Hey, you could slow down a little bit?
- Jen: You seem like a nice kid. I just- I just need some space, all right?
- Lip: Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
- Jen: Actually, it's a great idea. See, this is like a mini-vacation for me.
- Lip: Mm-hm.
- Jen: Got no work, no husband, no screaming kids. No one knows I'm in town, so I'm- I'm anonymous here. Yeah, I'm- I just- I just- I need some alone time.
- Lip: I'm concerned you might drink.
- Jen: Don't be concerned, bunny.
- Lip: Look, does that mean you are gonna drink, or you're not gonna drink?
- Jen: It means if I do drink, everything's gonna be okay.
- Lip: You've got a meeting tomorrow.
- Jen: Yeah, in like 20 hours.
- Lip: Yeah, a lot can happen in that time.
- Jen: A few drinks is not gonna kill me. I- I'll be back at the hotel by mid-afternoon. I'll chug a gallon of Evian; I'll eat a pizza; hit the steam room; get a great night's sleep, and be as good as new for my meeting. Really, it's no big whoop. No one will know.
- Lip: I will.
- Jen: Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout?
- Lip: [Jentakes off runnning] No- [After tripping over trash can that Jen knocked over and answering phone] Hey, Barney. Yeah, no, everything's good. No, yeah, she's still sleeping. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. [Catches up to Jenin park knocking her to ground and gets on top of her] Stop!
- Jen: Oh, my God!
- Lip: Hey, look, I'm sorry! Are you okay?! You gave me no choice!
- Jen: Get off me!
- Lip: Not until you promise you're not gonna drink! Look, I'm not getting off you until you promise!
- Jen: No!
- Lip: This is my job!
- Jen: To sit on top of me?!
- Lip: To make sure you don't drink!
- Jen: Oh, my God, I told you, it's no big deal!
- Lip: Yes, it is! All right? Don't fuck up this gig for me! My brother's going to prison tomorrow! I need the money for his commissary account!
- Jen: Are you trying to play on my emotions?!
- Lip: Is it working?!
- Jen: No, because I don't have any!
- Lip: All right, well, then, suck it up until Barney gets back at 5:00, all right?! He can deal with you!
- Jen: What am I supposed to do if I'm not drinking?! Just sit in the hotel room all day, watching SpectraVision?!
- Lip: Uh, we could hang out here in the park! It's a beautiful day out!
- Jen: You are such a sap!
- Lip: Look, just relax, all right?! Enjoy, and take it one moment at a time, all right?!
- Jen: Oh, jeez, AA crap! All right, fine. We'll just hang out in this stupid park!
- Lip: All right! Okay! Now I'm gonna get off you, but I swear, if you run, I will tackle the fuck out of you!
- Jen: You are so dramatic!
- Lip: Hey, look who's talking, commercial actress chick!
- Jen: I'll have you know, I have done 17 films and 4 TV shows!
- Lip: Whatever.
- Jen: [Jen feigns running away with Lip jumping with a start] Hey! I'm just kidding, you little shit!
- [Gibbering man wheeled out door in wheelchair]
- Frank: Is that my Jen?!
- Liam: No, it's just some crazy dude. What's so special about this chick we're waiting for, anyway?
- Frank: Well, son, it's a great gift in this life to know what you're good at. And, uh, I'm good at crazy. I'm a caretaker to it. Makes me feel needed. It's how I felt with your mother. Plus, it's never boring. Look at this. [Takes off shoe and sock showing burn scar on foot sole]
- Liam: What the hell is that?
- Frank: [Laughs] Monica. I was asleep. Decided she was gonna light me on fire, one body part at a time.
- Liam: Why?
- Frank: Hard to say with a crazy person. That's the thrill. You never know what you're gonna get, moment to moment. Thankfully, she passed out before she could torch the rest of my body. I'd given up trying to find excitement like that again, till now. I'm gonna get some more of those, um, fudge stripes, and then I'll tell you about the time Monica shattered my kneecap with a pool cue. It was the best sex of my life.
- Jen: That cloud up there looks like a martini glass.
- Lip: Nah, it's clearly a beer funnel. When did you start drinking?
- Jen: Nine? Maybe earlier. I was 12. We had a beer keg tapped in our backyard at all times.
- Lip: Grow up in a fraternity? You ever try and stop?
- Jen: Course. Life's hard. Booze is my only escape.
- Lip: Why'd you hire a sober companion, then?
- Jen: I didn't. Highland Cosmetics did after the incident, where we're doing this Christmas commercial in the fall, and I was riding a horse through Central Park, and I fell off.
- Lip: Drunk?
- Jen: I was plastered. [Laughs] Course, the horse got spooked and took off, and guess what I did? [scoffs] Start chasing after him.
- Lip: Sure.
- Jen: I was wearing high heels and this snow angel thing. Yeah. I almost caught it, and I promise you, I could've, had I not puked.
- Lip: Sure.
- Jen: I'm surprised you didn't see it. It was all over the Internet. You didn't see the gif?
- Lip: No.
- Jen: The [imitates vomiting]
- Lip: Aw, man. Oh.
- Jen: Let's go get some lunch. I'm fucking starving.
- Lip: Sure, yeah.
- Fiona: Hey, Max. You got a second?
- Max: Yeah, what's up? Late for a thing.
- Fiona: I need to get out of our deal.
- Max: What?
- Fiona: Another opportunity came up, and I'm short on cash.
- Max: What other opportunity? Is it something I want to invest in?
- Fiona: I'm not allowed to say, but I gotta act fast.
- Max: Are you kidding me? You bullied your way onto my project, and I can't get in on yours?
- Fiona: I'm sorry. My hands are tied. So how can I get my money out of the Sunset Brook project?
- Max: You can't. I mean, it's been invested. And the paperwork's already been filed on the partnership, so... Well, I wasn't expecting a 12-month delay on the senior center.
- Fiona: None of us were.
- Max: So what's the other thing? You getting a better return? Is that, uh-- is that why you want to bail?
- Fiona: Something like that.
- Max: Jesus. You know, I thought we had a good business thing going here. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. See how you are, Gallagher. [Softly laughs] All right, don't forget my 25K. [He drives away and Fiona mouths; "fuck"]
- Father D'Amico: So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we?
- Kevin: Obsession?! No, no, I would-- I wouldn't say that at all. It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
- Father D'Amico: Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
- Veronica: With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
- Father D'Amico: Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
- Veronica: Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
- Kevin: I'm actually kind of curious, yeah?
- Father D'Amico: Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy. You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time. I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay. Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward. As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women. Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang. Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
- Lip: Is this $22 for a grilled cheese?
- Jen: Who cares? Get what you want I'm gonna splurge and get the Cobb salad. Final answer.
- Lip: Oh, salad's splurging?
- Jen: It has creamy dressing. [Laughs] Oh. So what qualifies you to be a sober companion?
- Lip: I don't know, really. I mean, I've never done it before.
- Jen: Um. Barney trusts me, I guess, and I know how a drunk thinks.
- Waiter: Here we go. Virgin Bloody Mary.
- Jen: Are you positive it's virgin?
- Waiter: It's absolutely, 100%, a virgin. Uh, and Coke for the gentleman. Let me put this tray down. I'll be right back to take your order.
- Jen: Kay. This is, like, an entire salad on my glass.
- Lip: Oh, yeah. Guess they have to make up for it being a virgin.
- Jen: [Lips throws glass on ground] Oh, my God.
- Lip: Hey, you told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
- Jen: Fuck, I miss Barney. [Gets up from table and walks off]
- Lip: Sh... Jesus Christ. [Lip takes after Jen]
- Father D'Amico: Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love. Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl. Do you know what the Hot Carl is?
- Kevin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Veronica: We got it.
- Father D'Amico: That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask. It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket. Oh, that's when you defecate--
- Sister Frances: Nope, Father. Too far.
- Veronica: Oh, you're gonna stop him now?
- Father D'Amico: Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named... [Inhales] Ming-hang.
- Kevin: Father, our penance.
- Father D'Amico: Oh, yes, right. Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
- Kevin: Thank you.
- Jen: Why is my sobriety so important to you anyway?
- Lip: It's not. My sobriety is important to me.
- Jen: That makes no sense.
- Lip: Look, if I help you stay sober, it helps me stay sober.
- Jen: So narcissistic. [Scoffs and opens shirt to show bra] What if I let you touch these? This is Highland. This is Cosmetics.
- Lip: It's nice to meet you, ladies, but I'm--I'm not interested.
- Ian: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?
- Carl: Enough with these Carl stories.
- Kelly: [To Carl] Hey, let me get that.
- Carl: No way. I want more.
- Kelly: Me too.
- Jen: Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.
- Lip: I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
- Jen: I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]
- Kelly: Come on, tell the story.
- Ian: All right, so he's five or six years old--
- Lip: Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?
- Ian: Penis.
- Carl: Shit.
- Ian: And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
- Kelly: No.
- Lip: But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.
- Carl: Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
- Ian: He took a screwdriver...
- Kelly both Jen: No!
- Carl: Yeah. Yep.
- Kelly: Is that what that scar is?
- Carl: Uh-huh.
- Jen: Well, and why the hell'd you do that?
- Carl: I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
- Jen: [Laughs] Creative.
- Carl: See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.
- Jen: Did pee come out?
- Carl: It smelled like pee.
- Jen: Oh, God.
- Ian: What a genius.
- Debbie: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
- Ian: Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?
- Debbie: [Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.
- Lip: Was it two?
- Carl: Was it?
- Debbie: Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
- Jen: Mm.
- Lip: Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
- Jen: And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.
- Lip both Ian: Whoa.
- Carl: You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?
- 'Kelly: Hey.
- Jen: What?
- 'Kelly: Say the line.
- Jen: No. Oh, you guys...
- Kelly and Lip: come on...
- Jen: [Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.
- 'Ian: Wow!
- Lip: [Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!
- 'Kelly: Nice.
- 'Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.
- Carl: Shit.
Down Like the Titanic [9.07]
edit- Ingrid: I'm just, um, reorganizing my books by years of publication whi- whi- while learning Italian. [Laughs and haltingly speaking Italian]
- Frank: Neat. I- I heard a, uh- a big crash in here. Did something break?
- Ingrid: Oh, no, no, no.
- Frank: No?
- Ingrid: No, I, uh- I made a snack over there, if-if that's to which you are referring.
- Frank: Uh... maybe it's time for us to get some shuteye.
- Ingrid: Oh, no, no, no, no. I c- I can't abandon my project. That is a fool's game. Winners finish projects.
- Frank: Honey, do you feel all right?
- Ingrid: You know, I made a savory snack. A nice big piece of Brie with some crackers. You want some?
- Frank: Uh, I'm okay, but thanks.
- Ingrid: [Picks up knife, lunges to Frank holding knife at his throat] Eat the Brie.
- Max: What the hell, Gallagher? Is your phone broken? Holy shit. What happened to your face?
- Fiona: I'm fine. Just a little hit-and-run.
- Max: [Laughs] God, that looks... terrible. Like, my brain is rejecting that an otherwise very hot girl can look this bad. Anyway, I'm late for my spin class, and your PayPal didn't come through, girl. Yeah, I... tacky to make me come find you. Selling this place?
- Fiona: Yeah, sorry. I've just been swamped, and I was in the hospital most of the day yesterday...
- Max: Totally get it. No bigs. Just PayPal me right now. I'm @maxwhitfordsaysyas. Y-A-S. Do you not have the app?
- Fiona: I don't have the $25K.
- Max: You don't have $25K? Who doesn't have $25K?
- Fiona: Me?
- Max: All right, so borrow it against your portfolio. Call your guy.
- Fiona: I don't have a guy, Max, and I got rejected for a loan. I got nothing.
- Max: What about your other properties and investments? Anything liquid you can unload? Oh. Oh, you overleveraged? You told everybody you could swim, and now you're drowning?
- Fiona: Yeah, going down like the f*cking Titanic.
- Max: Oh. You got anybody you can call? Uncle, mom, something?
- Fiona: Nobody in my life has that kind of money. That's why I'm selling this place.
- Max: Even if I could, you just... you're not gonna clear large in a couple days. Come on, buyer will need to do due diligence and inspections and probably try to back out at the end of escrow, try to fuck you with a lowball offer last-minute. I mean, you're not gonna have cash in hand for at least days. Who's your listing agent?
- Fiona: [Laughs] I can't afford you, Max.
- Max: Maybe I waive my commission for you.
- Fiona: You'd do that?
- Max: Yeah. I am not as big an asshole as you think I am. Come on.
- Tami: Any of you kids wanna do something fun with your Auntie Tami?
- Children: Yeah!
- Tami: Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, who's never smoked a cigarette before?
- Children: Me! Oh, you haven't?! Okay, well, the first one's the hardest, but you guys are gonna be great. Come on. Follow me. Follow your Auntie Tami.
- Max: Well, if you had the time, you could probably get $425K for it.
- Fiona: That's what I was thinking.
- Max: But it would cost you $40K in closing costs, plus 120-day escrow, and you don't have that kind of time. [Sighs] How much is your mortgage?
- Fiona: I've got two. One is...
- Max: What's the total?
- Fiona: $292,000.
- Max: All right. I'll give you $292,000 for it.
- Fiona: Wait, you want to buy it?
- Max: Yeah. I'll take it off your hands today, in cash, as is, no inspections, close in 30 days. Could pay off your mortgages and walk away. And I'll take care of the $25K you owe the partnership so you don't default, but... I'm gonna charge you interest on that.
- Fiona: But that-that'll leave me with nothing, Max.
- Max: It'll leave you with your credit intact, and you didn't get foreclosed on. You're pretty, but I'm not a charity.
- Tami: So one older, two younger. I'm the almost-middle. Someone's got to be the problem child, right? Are you that one in your family?
- Lip: All Gallaghers are problem children. This is spicy as hell.
- Tami: I told you. Arturo knows what's up.
- Lip: Yeah.
- Tami: Anyway, that's what I like about doing hair. You can change it. Grows back. Hair is never the problem child.
- Lip: Heh.
- Tami: You got a job?
- Lip: Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes. You know, over at Born Free.
- Tami: Mm, that's right, with Brad.
- Tami: Yeah. You know I totally thought he was gay when I first met him?
- Lip: Heh, actually, I did too.
- Tami: Mm. b-t-dubs (by the way), all the women in my family die of ovarian cancer by the time they're 50, so I'm only on this Earth for another 25 years or so.
- Lip: Oh. That's a pretty intense first date factoid.
- Tami: Well, gotta take life by the balls.
- Lip: I agree.
- Tami: Want to try and fuck me properly this time?
- Lip: What, like now?
- Tami: Yeah.
- Kelly: So there's a loophole for West Point. It's there in the fine print. If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.
- Carl: Kelly, I'm tired.
- Kelly: Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark. Was growing up on the South Side rough?
- Carl: No, it's awesome here.
- Kelly: Come on, Carl, try. I want you to get in.
- Carl: Why?
- Kelly: Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
- Carl: Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.
- Kelly: Yes. So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study. All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.
- Carl: Okay.
- Kelly: Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
- Carl: Yes.
- Kelly: Oh, which one?
- Carl: All four.
- Kelly: That's four points, Carl. Finally, a test he does well on. Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs?
- Carl: Yes. Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.
- Kelly: Wow. Okay, great. That's two points. Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death?
- Carl: Yeah, all three.
- Kelly: Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We- we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.
- Carl: Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.
- Kelly: Excellent.
- [Lip and Kelly are finished making love in her car]
- Lip: So?
- Kelly: Eh.
- Lip: "Eh"?
- Kelly: Like, a... six out of ten.
- Lip: What?! I- I need a breakdown of that scorecard. I mean, where- where did I lose points on this?
- Kelly: Well, it wasn't jabby, per se, but it was fairly thrust-y.
- Lip: What?!
- Kelly: Thrust, thrust, thrust. You have to rotate.
- Lip: Yeah, well, I'd do a hell of a lot better if we were in an actual bed. I mean, this is, what, the smallest car in America? I mean, I'm cramping up.
- Kelly: Did the cavemen have beds? No. Did Tarzan? Did that pro surfer I dated?
- Lip: All right, that's it. That's it. We're going again, all right, and I'm not letting you out of this car until I get a ten.
- Kelly: This is my car, punk.
- Lip: Hey, I don't care how long this takes.
- Kelly: Okay, well, wake me when it's over.
- Lip: All right.
- Kelly: [Laughs] Oh, God. Oh!
- Frank: Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
- Kevin: [Monotone] Rocks or neat?
- Frank: Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
- Tommy: Troubles with the lady.
- Frank: Oh, yeah? Me too, Kev.
- Kermit: Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
- Frank: Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
- Kevin: [Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
- Fiona: Hi, Carl! Hi, Liam! [To Kelly] Hi, stranger! Oh! Stranger danger!
- Carl: You've met her before. This is Kelly. What the hell are you doing?
- Fiona: I'm throwing myself a little welcome-home party.
- Carl: Wait, you're moving back in? She's back?
- Liam: Guess so.
- Fiona: [Trying to shove an oversized roast still in its plastic wrapping] Try to get this fucking beef in the oven. You gotta get in there, beef! Get in there. [Kicks it] Oh, God. Just... gah.
- Kelly: Don't call me.
- Lip: Yeah, already forgot your name.
- Randy: Sleep well, my love. Sleep better than well, my peach.
- Frank: Do you drink, Randy?
- Randy: From time to time, sure.
- Frank: Must be tough being her self-appointed caretaker all the time, huh?
- Randy: Sometimes, but it defines my life.
- Frank: "Defines my life"?
- Randy: Yeah.
- Frank: Say some more about that.
- Randy: [Chuckles softly] I live next to her, work next to her, protect her.
- Frank: I mean...that's a lot.
- Randy: Thank you. But love is love.
- Frank: Love is love, yes. You think Ingrid wants you to live your life the way you are, entirely about her?
- Randy: Probably not.
- Frank: Mm.
- Randy: But what can I do?
- Frank: What can you do? [Laughs] And yet you know what I see when I look at you, Ran? I see a strong, bold, beautiful man who needs a break.
- Randy: Really?
- Frank: You're not meant to be cooped up, dispensing drugs all day. You need some you time.
- Randy: [Scoffs] Ingrid needs me.
- Frank: Don't worry about her for a second. What do you want, Randy?
- Randy: [Laughs] Wow.
- Frank: What does Randy want?
- Randy: I want to see Mount Fuji, Frank. I do.
- Frank: Then you get your goddamn phone right now and book a flight. You earned it.
- Randy: I have?
- Frank: Don't you think Ingrid wants you to live your life?
- Randy: Yeah. [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You're right. [Laughs] God, you're right. I'm gonna see Mount Fuji.
- Frank: I know. [Laughs]
- Randy: Thank you.
- Frank: Hey, hey, hey. Don't thank me. Thank yourself. We did some good work here today- some real breakthroughs.
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Alibi [9.08]
edit- Farhad: What'd they say?
- Debbie: Two and a half months past due.
- Farhad: That's not that bad.
- Debbie: Not that bad?
- Farhad: Do you not pay your bills or something? We don't use electricity. It's against the Koran.
- Debbie: Really?
- Farhad: No, it's a joke. You think Muslims don't believe in electricity? So they gonna turn the power back on or what?
- Debbie: Yeah, once I pay them $800 plus a reactivation fee plus a past due charge. Fuckers. That's extortion.
- Farhad: Yeah, no shit. Would you like me to send a suicide bomber?
- Debbie: Sweet of you to offer, but no, thanks. I think I'll just pay it.
- Farhad: Suit yourself.
- Lip: Yo, yo, yo. All right. I'm gonna tell you something. But when I tell you, don't look, all right?
- Tami: Okay.
- Lip: This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
- Tami: How do you know?
- Lip: It's bulging through his pants. It's like a fucking balloon animal. Don't look, though. Don't look.
- Tami: Whoa.
- Realtor: You like?
- Lip: Dude. No way that's real.
- Tami: It's real.
- Lip: Bullshit.
- Tami: You seriously walk around with a giant rubber dildo in your pants?
- Lip: [Grabs Tami's hand and starts pulling her out of the room] Come on. We gotta go. I can't live here, all right?
- Realtor: If you don't believe me...
- Lip: Hey, no, we believe you, man. We believe you, okay?
- Tami: That's not real. It's not.
- Lip: Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
- Dawn: That was quick.
- Frank: Here's the thing. That material, as you call it, is subpar. It's from the '70s. It's on videotape, for Christ's sake. The women have pubic hair. I feel like I'm watching my parents have sex. It actually made me sad. So needless to say, my cup is empty, as is my desire. Do you have anything else? Something... from the early '90s? Some Nina Hartley? Racquel Darrian, perhaps?
- Dawn: Sorry.
- Frank: What about crazy? You got any videos of crazy people having sex?
- Dawn: No, sir. That's all we have.
- Frank: Okay. Work with me here. What about my girlfriend? Could I bring Ingrid in to help me bust a-a collection?
- Dawn: That would be fine, but you both need to thoroughly, thoroughly wash and rinse your hands. And saliva and/or lubricant are prohibited, as they will pollute the sample.
- Frank: Fine. Thank you, Dawn. I'm off to Spunkytown.
- Frank: Hey, could I talk to you upstairs? I'll be right back.
- Carl: All right, what do you want, Frank?
- Frank: Kelly seems nice. A little sad.
- Carl: Yeah, well, she's not sad.
- Frank: No, no, no, no, no, no. I recognize that vacant stare. I've known a lot of women, Carl. And that woman is not getting what she wants in bed.
- Carl: Shut up, Frank.
- Frank: You know what it is. She wants sex. Ten times a day. Not fucking snack time. Act like a Gallagher, for the love of God.
- Carl: Okay, I can have sex anytime, anywhere.
- Frank: Oh, bullshit. I got 20 bucks that says you can't go in that bathroom...
- Carl: That's a hundred.
- Frank: Holy crap. Well, 20 of it says you can't go in that bathroom right now and rub one out in under three minutes. I'm trying to help you. If that woman downstairs yells, "Jump," you better answer, "How hard?"
- Carl: Make it a hundred.
- Frank: No. The bet's 20. No, wait. Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. Fine. It's all right. Jesus Christ. A hundred.
- Carl: [Frank hands him cup] What the fuck is that?
- Frank: I gotta have proof. You want me to come in there with you and watch? Under three minutes. No lube, no saliva.
- Carl: [Takes cup] No problem.
- Frank: Hey, Carl. Remember the time we walked in on Aunt Ginger and saw her tits?
- Carl: Hey, Frank. Shut the fuck up.
- Frank: Were they something? Been watching this thing on the, uh, nature channel about hippopotamuses, their balls... All right, all right. That's just cheating. Their dicks are about two feet long. Sorta pink. Slimy pink things. Big bulbous head on it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOONE! [9.09]
edit- [Fiona wakes up, uses Ford's tools to scratch her arm in a cast and gets into shower]
- Debbie: [Pulls open curtains and turns off water] We need our money back.
- Fiona: What the fuck?! What money?!
- Debbie: We've been giving you money for utilities that have not been getting paid. We need that money back.
- Fiona: [Sighs] Fine. Jesus! [Close curtains and turns water on]
- Debbie: The bills are under my name now. That water you're using? We're paying for that. [Fiona scoffs] So, until you repay us what we've been paying you for the last three months, plus your share of rent for the last three months, plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on, I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
- Fiona: Yeah, I'll tell you what... you take everything that I owe you from the last three months and subtract it from everything that you owe me for the last years. And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to some time in, I don't know, then we can talk about who's even. [Shuts curtain and turns water on]
- ...
- Liam: [Lip appears in jogging attire] What are you wearing?
- Lip: Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer, so her family does a five-K thing every year.
- Liam: You look sort of ridiculous.
- Lip: Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
- Fiona: Debbie! Turn my water on!
- Lip: Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
- Debbie: Yep.
- Lip: Deb, she carried us for years... You can give her a break. Turn the water back on!
- Debbie: Once you pay us what you owe us.
- Fiona: I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track... [Ford pounds on front door]
- Debbie: You owe Carl, Lip, and I; $832.
- Fiona: You don't see Carl going up to my shower, turning my water off!
- [Ford continues poundings on front door]
- Lip: Stop. Guys!
- Lip: The door! Debbie!
- Fiona: If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
- Debbie: [Mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
- Lip: Stop it!
- Fiona: Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
- Debbie: What?!
- Fiona: Go take a rolling fuck on a flying doughnut!
- Ford: [Lets himself in house] Hello? I come in peace.
- Fiona: Oh, fuck, no.
- [Debbie grabs a knife and walks to Ford]
- Ford: I just want my tools back.
- Fiona: What tools?
- Ford: My carpenter tools. They're missing.
- Fiona: Well, why would I know about that?
- Ford: Come on, Fiona.
- Fiona: What, you think I just wandered on to your site and picked them up out of your truck or something?
- Ford: Maybe.
- Fiona: Or maybe I came into your house in the middle of the night and I watched you sleep for an hour and then I just took them on my way out.
- Ford: [Scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
- Fiona: No. [Laughs] You egotistical fuck! I haven't thought about you in weeks!
- Debbie: We thought about you, though.
- Ford: Guess I'll be going, then.
- Fiona: [Ford walks to his truck and Fiona follows] Yeah. Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time, I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
- Ford: If my tools happen to turn up, let me know. That's how I make my living.
- Fiona: Oh, if they "happen to"... fuck you!
- Kelly: [Poking head out bedroom window to peer down on Carl below] What are you doing here?!
- Carl: I've been waiting in the tent all night!
- Kelly: But you should have been working on your hardship essay for West Point!
- Carl: I've had to jerk off twice! I can't write about that to West Point!
- Kelly: My dad found out that I've been skipping softball camp to hang out with you! He'll kill you if he finds you here!
- Carl: He only has one working limb! That doesn't scare me! [Carl realizes someone is holding a gun to his head]
- Major Keefe: It only takes one limb to pull a trigger, son. Get inside.
- [Dax and Ryan are doing a powerpoint presentation to two corporate executives in a boardroom]
- Jolene: Are you saying our biggest client is asking us to sell something that is undrinkable?
- Ryan: Yeah, we're in advertising. That's what we do. Dax?
- Dax: Globally, three groups testing semi-positively in taste tests... Uh, Siberians, the Dalit caste of India, and the American hobo.
- Joe: [Sighs] You mean... literal homeless people.
- Ryan: Well, general indigents.
- Dax: [Grunts] These were all taken on the South Side. Homeless people, hookers, transients.
- Jolene: Bachman's not going to turn a profit selling to those people.
- Dax: No, no, no. But- but if we use them as influencers, we can crack the Millennial market wide open. They identify as poor or as victims of a society that doesn't care about them.
- Ryan: Thing is, they're not poor. They just don't have the money they think they're entitled to, and we think we can capitalize on their complete lack of perspective.
- Dax: They're self-proclaimed hobos. We're simply offering them the chance to prove it.
- Joe: [Chuckles] "Hobo Loco"?
- Dax: Bachman Alcohol re-branded as the nectar of the bona fide hobo.
- Jolene: I don't hate it.
- Ryan: We need to build our campaign around the search of a spokesperson. No advertisements, no media bias, just Millennial word of mouth. Authenticity is key. The "hoboiest" of all hobos... [Changes slide to a shadow figure with a red question mark] the Hobo Loco Man.
- Jolene: "Hobo Loco Man".
- Fiona: Eliza, call the police.
- Ford: I'm on a completion deadline, so I don't have time to fuck around, Fiona. Just tell me how much you want for the tools.
- Fiona: I don't have them.
- Ford: Five hundred. A thousand.
- Fiona: Fuck off.
- Ford: I'll give you $1,500, if you give them to me right now. I know you could use the money.
- Fiona: [Chuckles] I don't need... [Starts throwing dishes with food at Ford]
- Eliza: Fiona, come on!
- Fiona: ... your money!
- Eliza: Little help, please? Get out of here, Ford. Get her some water.
- Fiona: I don't need anything from you!
- Eliza: Hey.
- Ford: I want my tools, Fiona.
- Fiona: Yeah?
- Ford: I want them.
- Eliza: Hey, you just got your cast off. How about some free coffee...
- Fiona: Fuck!
- Eliza: For any customers who felt that their safety was compromised? So sorry about that, everyone. So sorry.
- Fiona: I can't fucking believe...
- Man: [Squeezing between Fiona and wall bumping her] Oh, excuse me.
- Fiona: No. Did you just fucking touch my ass?! [She lunges at him knocking him to the ground]
- Man: Whoa, whoa!
- Eliza: Hey, Fiona! Come on! Fiona!
- Fiona: I fucking felt you! I felt you do it!
- Eliza: Allan, please!
- Man: Fuck!
- Allan: [Manhandling Fiona] Let's go! Fiona, come on! Let's go!
- Man: What is wrong with you?! Get off of me! Stop!
- Fiona: You cannot touch people!
- Eliza: Li- Lilli? How about if we get this guy a couple of free burgers if he promises not to sue? I'm so sorry. So sorry, you guys. It's all good. Enjoy your meals.
- Major Keefe: [On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...
- Carl: [Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?
- Debbie: Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.
- Major Keefe: Where are you?
- Kelly: No, I'm not at Carl's.
- Major Keefe: Then where are you, and when are you coming home?
- Kelly: My whereabouts are confidential.
- Major Keefe: Not from your father, they're not.
- Kelly: I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
- Major Keefe: That's it. That's the last...
- Kelly: [Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
- Carl: Um, why?
- Kelly: Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.
- Carl: I'm not "hot enough"?
- Kelly: Right.
- Carl: For you?
- Kelly: Mm...
- Carl: [Answers phone] Hello, sir?
- Major Keefe: We had a deal, Gallagher.
- Carl: Uh, now's really not a good time.
- Kelly: [Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]
- Carl: What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!
- Kelly: What did he offer you?
- Carl: Nothing.
- Kelly: Bullshit! A spot at West Point?
- Carl: No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?
- Kelly: I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.
- Carl: What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?
- Lip: [Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
- Debbie: Why are you walking like that?
- Lip: Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.
- Debbie: What?
Los Diablos [9.10]
edit- [Debbie walks into kitchen]
- Debbie: Nothing but junk mail. Rat shit in the attic. Fires in the dryer vent. These ads are terrifying. Carbon monoxide leaks from the furnace? Fiona always handled this shit. Should I be worried about these things?
- Ingrid: [Pours herself cereal] Ah, homeowner stuff. Sucks to be an adult. [Pours out all milk and Liam stares at her] What? I'm eating for seven now.
- Debbie: Well, then all seven of you are gonna need to cough up cash if you're gonna be living here.
- Ingrid: All right. I'm gonna do some therapy sessions on the phone this afternoon. I'll write you a check later.
- ...
- Frank: [Comes in side door] Good morning, family one. Family two.
- Debbie: Why do you look like a farm animal?
- Liam: Smell like one too.
- Ingrid: Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.
- Frank: Now, I haven't won the competition yet, Ingy.
- Debbie: Hobo what-o?
- Frank: It's a delicious alcoholic beverage. They're looking for someone with no purpose in life. I finally found my calling. Soon I'll be able to support those I love. Oh, yeah. Wish me luck.
- Ingrid: Oh, you go get 'em, my Hobo Loco tiger.
- Frank: Good-bye, little Frank-ettes.
- Sorority girls: They cut the line!
- Amber: And that's exactly the kind of spunk we're looking for!
- Frank: Do you hear that, Phi Piggie Piggie?! That's what they're looking for!
- Mikey: Get your spunk-less ass out of here!
- Frank: You should learn!
- Amber: Hey, fellas. I just... I just need you to sign in right here.
- Frank: Oh, right away. Done.
- Amber: Again, yeah. Great.
- Mikey: Mm-hmm.
- Amber: Okay, next, I'm gonna need to test your baseline blood alcohol content. Right this way.
- Randy: [Comes down stairs to find Ingrid lying on back with legs on wall] Ingrid, where... Ingrid. Ingy.
- Ingrid: What are you doing here?
- Randy: Dr. Kwan called me. She told me you were pregnant. That's wonderful.
- Ingrid: Wonderful? You never wanted me to have children because of my condition.
- Randy: Well, now that you are pregnant, it's a beautiful miracle. Let's do this together.
- Ingrid: What?! They're not even yours! They're Frank's!
- Randy: Yes, but you just met him. You think he's really committed to having more kids?
- Ingrid: Yes. Yes.
- Randy: But I'm the one who's always been there for you, and I always will, so let's get you back on your meds and then we'll go for a checkup with Dr. Kwan.
- Ingrid: You're trying to trick me. [Stands up] You're gonna get me on that exam table and then have Kwan just suck the embryos out of me!
- Randy: No, I won't. I won't, I promise. We'll keep two. We'll have twins. Wouldn't that be great?
- Ingrid: Twins?! Bullshit! You don't want my babies! Frank does! Frank loves me! He loves all six of my embryos! I have a phone patient now, so please go!
- Randy: Okay, okay. [Sighs] I'll check back in later. [Walks away]
- Ingrid: Hey, Debbie. Randy's wrong. Frank'll be committed to my six babies, right?
- Debbie: [Scoffs] Not a chance.
- Frank: What are you on my ass for?! Find your own bedding! This is my spot!
- Mikey: I thought we could make a pact! Either one of us wins, we split the spokesman money, 50/50.
- Frank: You trying to hone in on my dough?
- Mikey: Or am I trying to give you half of mine, hmm?
- Frank: [Scoffs] You're a crafty dude, Mikey O. I'm a lone wolf. Go!
- Mikey: Suit yourself. Suit yourself.
- Frank: Go! [Spots truck full of construction materials] Jackpot. [Climbs into truck and grabs two rolls of insulation]
- Construction workers: Hey, yo! What are you doing in that truck?! Get out of there! Hey!
- Frank: I- I'm, uh...
- Construction workers: [Frank leaps from truck and gives chase] Get back here! Where the fuck do you think you're going?! [Mikey swings a bar into Frank's face knocking him down] That's what you get! Serves you right, asshole! Yeah, you better keep running!
- [Lip and Tami pull up to the Gallagher residence]
- Tami: So was it weird buying actual green things at the grocery store?
- Lip: Hey, I've bought green things before. Guacamole, Mountain Dew, Jell-O, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
- Tami: You gonna list every crappy green thing?
- Lip: Yeah, I can go on. Shamrock shakes. Green eggs and ham. [Lip and Cami walk up to find Xan sitting on porch steps] Xan?
- Xan: I didn't know where else to go.
- Carl: [Standing outside Captain Bob's dressed as a pirate promoting popcorn shrimp] Aye, matey! Popcorn shrimp is back.
- Li'l Shins: [Pulls up alongside Carl in black SUV] Oh, my God. Check this out. Gallagher? Shit.
- Carl: What's up, Little Shins?
- Li'l Shins: What, you out here selling?
- Carl: Just popcorn shrimp.
- Li'l Shins: 'Cause we took over this corner. I don't like no competition.
- Carl: Hey, you won't have any from me.
- Li'l Shins: So how do I know this whole gay pirate shit ain't some front?
- Carl: I've been out of the business for years. I'm just working at Captain Bob's now.
- Li'l Shins: I got trust issues, man. What can I say? I'm gonna have to shake your Johnny Depp-looking ass down, make sure you ain't got no stash. [Li'l Shins and thugs all get out of SUV]
- Carl: [Running from Li'l Shins thugs] Yo, I swear to you, I don't!
- Li'l Shins: [He and thugs catch up to Carl, grab him, hoist him upside down] Shake him!
- Carl: Fuck! They're just shrimp! Come on, put me down, fuck! Watch the hat!
- Fiona: Just a Sprite. Last night fucked with me. Got a whole new attitude.
- Eliza: Great.
- Fiona: Ah, perfect. Uh, Tina, I got table's food for you.
- Eliza: Yeah, okay.
- Fiona: Grilled ham and cheese... for you, and the tacos must be for you. Enjoy.
- Diner: Yes. Thank you.
- Fiona: Margo.
- Margo: Good afternoon.
- Fiona: What brings you here?
- Margo: Police got a call last night about a possible robbery. A frantic woman called, saying that three men were threatening her, and she said they left but she was afraid they were gonna come back. And when the police arrived, the restaurant was closed, which is interesting, since we're open hours.
- Fiona: Maybe they had the wrong address.
- Margo: Stop. I don't want your lies, and you smell like booze. I don't know if you're drunk now or if you just drank so much last night that it's just coming out of your pores.
- Fiona: No, I'm sober.
- Margo: You're fired.
- Fiona: What? Well, why? I- I haven't had a drink today, I swear.
- Margo: I've been getting calls for the past month, from customers and vendors and employees, saying that you had been drunk on the job or asleep on the job or angry on the job.
- Fiona: Please don't fire me. Please. I- I've had a rough couple months, but-but I've turned a corner.
- Margo: People who say they've "turned a corner"... They haven't turned a corner. They're just trying to convince everyone they have.
- Fiona: Please give me another chance. I promise I'll straighten out.
- Margo: Good. You should.
- Fiona: Yes.
- Margo: But not on my watch. You're acting manager now, so you make sure she cleans her things up and leaves.
- Fiona: [Scoffs] Fuck all of you. Ratting me out. [Laughs] If it weren't for me, none of you NA motherfuckers would even have a job. [Walks up to waitress Tyesha] Mm-hmm. I wanted to fire you because you suck, but you called me, crying about your mother and her medical bills, and I let you keep your fucking job.
- Eliza: Fiona, I think we should just...
- Fiona: Shut the fuck up, Eliza. [Laughs] I'm leaving. Oh, and guess what. The cook rubbed his dick on all of your meals. Yeah, enjoy. [Leaves out front door]
The Hobo Games [9.11]
edit- Frank: Good morning, peaches and cream, number one girl. How's my six embryos today?
- Ingrid: You mean George, Gordy, Glenn, Gladys, Gina, and Gabby Gallagher? We're pissed, Frank. We're pregnant and we're lonely and we're tired of hiding from Dr. Kwan in this dark rat cave basement.
- Frank: The final's today.
- Ingrid: I want you home now. I want you home now. I want you the fuck home now. Right now.
- Frank: Well, yeah, sure, you... you want that, honey.
- Ingrid: This is for the future of our children.
- Frank: You can't ask me to quit now. You can't ask LeBron James not to play in the playoffs. I'll be home tonight, a winner, 50... [Ingrid hangs up in spite]
- Ingrid: Motherfucker!
- Frank: Ingy?
- Mikey: Things a tad stressful with the little lady, Frank? Might be time to wash up and head home.
- Frank: Nah. She was just calling to remind me to be humble when I win.
- Mikey: I don't know. That sounded a lot like a woman wanting you to quit.
- Frank: Probably should. I've quit many things in my life, Mikey... School, jobs, marriages, rehab several times. I am not quitting this. I am the Hobo Loco Mofo.
- [Fiona wakes up the morning after of a house party with all partiers asleep and finds bottle of oxycodone in a purse, initially decides against the theft, she proceeds to carry through]
- Female partier: What are you doing?! That's my Oxy! [Chasing Fiona out the motel with a man in pursuit] Hey, that bitch stole my Oxy! You fucking skank bitch! Get her! [Fiona leaps over a stone wall] South Side piece of shit! [Fiona laughs and runs away]
- [Kevin is at a medical clinic with a practitioner]
- Kevin: The twins tortured the Guatemalan refugees, not me. That's why this whole thing is bullshit. Now my wife's like, "We can't bring babies into the world, because if we do, our daughters will kill them." Well, why is that my scrotum's fault, and why can't she just take the pill, like other women Why is it so much worse for her to take a tiny little pill that makes her "crazy" than it is for me to get my testicle lobbed off?
- Medical practitioner: Your testicle will not be "lobbed off," sir. Only your vas deferens tubes are blocked.
- Kevin: Oh, it's bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on vasectomies. Time's up, vasectomies. [Practitioner holds up needle] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
- Medical practitioner: Needle. Local anesthesia.
- Kevin: Oh, good. Imma need a lot of that. Uh, lots extra, please. I don't want to feel anything from my waist down. [Lifts up medical gown] Agh! Yeah.
- Dax: All right, for the semifinals, we have a challenge that is gonna separate the truly loco from the mildly loco. We call it... The South Side Emergency Room Challenge!
- Bystanders: Whoo!
- Dax: County General is two blocks away on Ellis and boasts the longest emergency room waiting time in all Chicago: - hours. [Bystanders all gasps] Your challenge, in one hour or less, is to get seen by an ER doctor.
- Frank: You ever gotten through in less than an hour?
- Mikey: No, not possible. It's gonna take gushing blood. Amputation. Grand mal seizure.
- Frank: Aw.
- Dax: Can I get one hour on the clock, please? Oh... All right. And... Go!
- Lip: [To Xan] Hey, go ahead. Have a cupcake. [To Brad] Hey, man. Um... Cami say anything to you about Tami?
- Brad: What about Tami?
- Lip: I don't know. She's acting funny. She was supposed to pick us up this morning... never showed. I didn't hear anything.
- Brad: Maybe she's not cool with the whole Xan thing. I mean, it's one thing to start dating a guy, but it's another thing to start dating a dad with a preteen. What's she been saying about it?
- Lip: Oh, nothing. I mean... I don't know. I guess I didn't really ask.
- Brad: Women like to be asked everything. I don't buy 1% milk instead of 2% without asking Cami.
- Lip: What, you think she's gonna make me choose between her and Xan?
- Brad: That... that's crazy. I don't know, but you gotta ask. Just ask, pretend-listen, and nod. Works every time.
- Fiona: [Regarding knocking on front door] Could someone get that, for fuck's sake?! Oh, God. Keep your fucking pants on. [Opens door and sighs] What?
- Peter: Hi. I'm Peter Naylor, here to see Phillip Gallagher. He at home?
- Fiona: Lip! You home?! Guess not.
- Peter: What about Alexandra Galvez? She in?
- Fiona: Who?
- Peter: Alexandra Galvez. G-A-L-V-E-Z. Female, age ten, African-American.
- Fiona: Oh, Xan?
- Peter: That her name?
- Fiona: Uh, I'm sorry. I was sound asleep. Yeah, Xan crashes here sometimes. Why?
- Peter: I'm with DCFS, here to do a home safety check for a case opened up by Phillip Gallagher.
- Fiona: Oh.
- Peter: May I come in?
- Fiona: Sure. We're just doing a few, uh, home improvement projects - today.
- Peter: Hmm.
- Fiona: Your tetanus is up to date, right?
- Peter: Is that an open hole in the floor?
- Fiona: Uh, yes, but it's not what it appears to be. My sister is actually a welder, so she's very qualified to... Uh, Debs, can you come down here, please?!
- Peter: Who's in charge of these children?
- Fiona: Um, Debbie. Debbie is.
- Peter: Uh, the woman you can't find?
- Fiona: Uh, well, she's definitely here. She's just probably getting a tool or something. Debs! Can you come down here, please?! Are you here?! Uh, it doesn't seem like Debs is here.
- Peter: Mm. And where does Alexandra sleep?
- Fiona: Uh, on the couch, most of the time, I think. We take really good care of her.
- [Carl is hanging with K.J., Emiliano and Stump outside the Captain Bob's outlet on smoke break while perusing phone]
- K.J.: Ahoy, mateys. Break's over. Come on.
- Carl: Hey, yo, can I ask you guys something real quick?
- Emiliano: Sure. Yeah.
- Carl: [Showing phone picture of Debbie and Kelly with backyard hose] What do you think this picture's of?
- Emiliano: It's easy. It's hot, is what it is.
- K.J.: Two fucking hot lesbians being fucking hot.
- Emiliano: Yeah, lesbian porn.
- Stump: My dick's hard.
- Carl: Yo, that's my sister and my girlfriend.
- K.J.: No way.
- Emiliano: Fuck you.
- K.J.: Which one's your sister?
- KJ: Uh, she's macking on your girl, huh?
- Lip: Hey, hey. Why the hell'd you let DCFS in here?
- Fiona: I'm sorry. I had no idea who that guy was. I-I didn't...
- Lip: Who the fuck did you think that was?! He's wearing a tie and he's got a fucking clipboard.
- Fiona: I was asleep! I'm not a fucking mind reader. Why didn't you tell me they were coming?
- Lip: Why didn't I tell you?
- Fiona: Yes. Maybe if I'd known DCFS was dropping by...
- Lip: Jesus Christ. Do you have any idea how much you fucked this up for me?
- Fiona: This is not my fault. I did not invite DCFS here.
- Lip: Hey, hey, shh.
- Fiona: I did not leave a... a furnace in the house...
- Lip: Hey, hey, hey!
- Fiona: ...Or kids in a Pack 'n Play, or an open hole in the fucking floor.
- Lip: No, but you sure as shit didn't help, Fiona. The old Fiona would've handled this, would've spun shit, would've covered for me.
- Fiona: What was I supposed to do, huh? Bake him a fucking cake?
- Lip: No, but I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day. How about that, huh?
- Fiona: [Laughs derisively] Maybe I'm tired of playing Susie fucking Sunshine all the time, huh? Think of that? 'Cause if I want to be drunk in the middle of the fucking day, that is my fucking business!
- Debbie: Do you want to split another with me, or you want your own when you're back?
- Kelly: Split with you. [To Carl] Be right back, fry guy. I'm so proud of you. [Kisses him on cheek]
- Carl: The fuck you think you're doing?!
- Debbie: Putting peanut butter on a Ritz.
- Carl: No, with Kelly. Why you trying to get with her?
- Debbie: What?
- Carl: Stop fronting.
- Debbie: I'm not fronting. Her and I just get along good.
- Carl: Aren't I supposed to get along well with my brother's girlfriend if she's awesome?
- Debbie: No, she's my awesome, not your awesome.
- Carl: She's not a lesbian, dumb-ass.
- Debbie: Exactly. She's not gay. Although she is the kind of girl who could come out later in life. I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so... I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.
- Carl: Just knock it off. I mean it.
- Debbie: There's nothing going on between me and your girlfriend. Keep your blouse on, Carl.
You'll Know the Bottom When You Hit It [9.12]
edit- Debbie: What's that?
- Lip: It's Fiona's shit.
- Debbie: Why is Fiona's shit in trash bags?
- Lip: 'Cause I told her to leave and she's still here. Thought I'd give her a hand.
- Debbie: 'Cause of Xan?
- Lip: Yeah, 'cause of Xan and Jason and all the other fucking things. Okay. Look, I'll see you later, all right? I gotta catch Tami before work.
- Debbie: You guys get into a fight or something?
- Lip: No, she, uh... she's pregnant.
- Debbie: Holy shit. She gonna keep it?
- Lip: Uh, I have no idea.
- Debbie: That'd be so cool. Franny could have a little cousin.
- Lip: Yeah, look, I don't know. I just found out yesterday, Debs, so I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do.
- Debbie: You guys could all live here. Tami and I can take turns babysitting.
- Lip: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sorry I mentioned it. [To Franny] You want a cousin, right? Uncle Lip's baby.
- Fiona: Good morning, former coworker.
- Eliza: Here we go.
- Fiona: No need to panic, Eliza. I'm just here for my final paycheck.
- Eliza: Okay, sure. I'll be right back.
- Fiona: Thanks. Hey, you got my tip-out?
- Karina: What?
- Fiona: My tip-out. My share of the ti... You know what a tip-out is, Karina Where are my tips?
- Karina: Um, well, we didn't think that you were...
- Fiona: You guys just stole my fucking tips? Wow, that is cold. That's okay, I'll just take this.
- Fiona: Thank you. Oh, hey, what's up, Judas? Hey, winner. I'd refill your coffee, but I don't work here anymore, so... here you go.
- Eliza: Oh... Jesus.
- Fiona: ...you know those eggs aren't really cage-free, right? The menu's full of lies. Enjoy.
- Eliza: Have you been drinking?
- Fiona: Have you? [Scoffs]
- Eliza: You're drunk.
- Fiona: Fuck you, Eliza.
- Eliza: You got your last paycheck. Please leave, or I'll have to call the cops.
- Fiona: Oh, the cops. Let's call them. They can find out where my stolen tips went.
- Lori: Where's my Buccaneer Biscuits at? [Claps hand]
- K.J.: Going as fast as I can, Lori!
- Lori: [To Carl] Buccaneer Biscuits selling like crazy. Adding fried clams to the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit was a great idea.
- Carl: Yeah? Thanks.
- Lori: Just a fry guy with big ideas who wants to serve his country. You ever read The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell?
- Carl: Uh, no.
- Lori: Buccaneer Biscuits, tipping point. Trust me, you're gonna go places.
- K.J.: I sell weed out the back.
- Lori: I know you do, KJ, and I appreciate your desire for a better life. But Carl here, he's helping us sell shit inside the store, okay? [Pats K.J.'s back and follows Carl] You know, they used to call this place Mr. Bob's. They started calling it Captain Bob's when they added seafood to the menu. Now it's all seafood. That man's a goddamn visionary.
- Carl: Can I take my break now?
- Lori: Sure, you can, rock star. Be back in ten, okay?
- Kevin: Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
- Tommy: Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
- Veronica: We have an AC.
- Kermit: Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
- Kevin: Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
- Veronica: No, baby, just leave ice on it.
- Tommy: Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
- Kermit: Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
- Fiona: What's up?
- Veronica: Hey.
- Fiona: What's going on with him?
- Veronica: He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
- Kevin: Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
- Kermit: Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
- Veronica: Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
- Kermit: Sorry, V.
- Veronica: [To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
- Frank: [Professor opens door to Frank] Professor.
- Professor: [Leading Frank to basement of stockpiled of food and supplies] I have a generator.
- Frank: Of course you do. Wow.
- Professor: No one in this neighborhood... EVER... plans ahead.
- Frank: The future is scary, Professor. It's easier not to think about-
- Professor: Unless there's money to be made. [Frank points at him in agreement]
- Frank: Morning, Sweathogs. Blackout, we got a blackout.
- Kevin: No shit, Frank. That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.
- Frank: Is the beer still cold?
- Veronica: Not really.
- Frank: Sounds great. I'll take one. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
- Fiona: I got fired.
- Frank: Well, congratulations. You apply for unemployment yet? My advice is, do it in person. If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.
- Fiona: Got it.
- Frank: Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.
- Fiona: Yeah, I'm fine with it. I mean, fuck them. Being broke sucks, though.
- Frank: Ah, you get used to it. You just gotta be creative.
- Fiona: Buy me a beer?
- Frank: [Laughs] That's funny. You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo. Ingrid left me. Took all my children with her. I'm still here. My unborn children. I don't think I'll ever get over it. V, a shit of Jame-o, please.
- Kevin:: [Lumbering past them] Oh, my God, ow.
- Frank: What's his problem?
- Fiona: [Makes cutting gesture] Vasectomy.
- Frank: Smart.
- Tommy: [Reading from phone] A substation blew up. Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.
- Veronica: What? God damn it. Oh, we're screwed.
- Kevin:: I'll be back.
- Veronica: Where is he going?
- Frank: [To Fiona] If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.
- Fiona: Why would I do that?
- Frank: Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight."
- Fiona: You mean rippin' people off.
- Frank: Completely legit. No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you. Too late, everything's sold out. Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made. That's where I come in. Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.
- Fiona: So you gouge 'em.
- Frank: Really? How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty? Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.
- Fiona: Fair point. Do I charge a little more?
- Frank: Yes. Double. The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless. So you in or out?
- Fiona: No, thanks.
- Frank: Aw, come on. I could use a pretty face. It legitimizes the whole thing.
- Fiona: What's in it for me?
- Frank: After I recoup my cost, 20 percent.
- Fiona: Seventy.
- Frank: Jesus Ch... Who's gouging now?
- Fiona: Thirty.
- Frank: Fifty percent, final offer.
- Fiona: No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank. You're Frank.
- Frank: Deal, 50. [They shake hands]
- Fiona: Gallagher Blackout Supply.
- Man: [At AA meeting] It was only about two blocks from my house. I was woken up by the sound, a crashing sound. And I could hear myself screaming. I had crashed my car into the back of a moving van. There was glass everywhere. Airbag deployed. My nose was bleeding. I didn't feel any pain till much later, but I didn't care about myself. I just kept thinking... I could have killed someone. This is... really hard for me to talk about.
- Lori: [Going through box] Whose porn is this?
- Carl: It's mine. Giving it to KJ now.
- Lori: Oh, why you getting rid of your porn, tater tot?
- Carl: Just the girl-on-girl stuff. Kinda makes me sad.
- Lori: [Going through DVDs] Yeah. Seen it. Seen it. In it.
Lost [9.13]
edit- [Frank is sleeping in the abandoned apartment building of Fiona's when a wrecking ball bursts through and Frank flees the premises]
- Construction workers: What the fuck were you doing in there?! You crazy?!
- Frank: I was just... I just... calm...
- Construction workers: Get the hell out of here! You trying to get yourself killed?! [Frank runs out to street and is nearly hit by a vehicle and falls onto metal fence frames] Are you all right, man?!
- Frank: Yeah.
- Construction workers: Are you sure? You went down hard. Joey, you better call an ambulance.
- Frank: No, no. No... [Laughs] No ambulance. I'm fine.
- Construction workers: Are you sure, buddy?
- Frank: Yeah. I'm right as rain. [Walks away]
- [Carl is leaving house]
- Mr. Tamietti: Lip Gallagher around?
- Carl: Uh, yeah, he's inside. [Mr. Tamietti goes in house]
- Mr. Tamietti: Hey, watch your step. There's a homeless guy passed out on the sidewalk.
- Frank: He... a little help?
- Mr. Tamietti: Uh, hi, Mr. Tamietti. You and I need to talk, son.
- Lip: Oh, yeah?
- Mr. Tamietti: Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
- Lip: Uh, she's... she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided the last that we, uh...
- Mr. Tamietti: Oh, yeah. She's keeping the baby. That's not open for discussion.
- Lip: No, no, sir. I just mean, um, last time we talked, she- she seemed unclear about what she wanted to do.
- Mr. Tamietti: Oh, it's clear. She's having the baby.
- [Debbie, Carl and Kelly burst in front door carrying Frank]
- Debbie: Good God. Almost there. A little help here!
- Frank: Okay, okay, okay. Put me down. Put me down, no more. Down there!
- Fiona: What happened?!
- Carl: He busted his leg.
- Fiona: Is that bone? What the fuck?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?
- Carl: He wouldn't let us!
- Fiona: The hell is that?!
- Lip: Mollies... A few personal items... And acid.
- Fiona: Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance?
- Mr. Tamietti: Uh, who the hell is that?
- Debbie: Our dad.
- Mr. Tamietti: Why doesn't he want an ambulance?
- Debbie: Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
- Carl: Uh, you know, Mr. Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [Leads Mr. Tamietti away]
- Frank: I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
- Fiona: If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911?
- Frank: Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
- Carl: I gotta go to work.
- Debbie: Yeah, we should go, too.
- Quincy: Open femur fracture. Definitely going to need surgery.
- Frank: I'm in a lot of pain here. Could I get of morphine?
- Quincy: No can do, Frank.
- Frank: Lidoc... is that lidocaine?
- Quincy: Yep.
- Frank: Ah, come on, guys! You got any fentanyl in there? That'd take the edge off.
- Quincy: Can give you a bite block to chomp down on if you like.
- Frank: A bite block? [Laughs] What are you, the Marquis de Sade?
- Quincy: Best I can do after last time.
- Frank: I did not steal drugs from your ambulance.
- Quincy: I saw you take it, Frank. Are you sure you don't want that bite block? This might sting.
- Frank: Fuck you, Quincy.
- [Frank grunts, yells and cries]
- Quincy: Personally, I would've taken the bite block. You want to ride with him again?
- Fiona: How long's the wait at County this morning?
- Quincy: Pro hockey season's shorter.
- Veronica: [Serves breakfast plate to Kevin] You want Tabasco?
- Kevin: Eight seconds. [Sighs]
- Veronica: It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe. [Kisses Kevin's head and rubs chest] Give it some time.
- Kevin: 12-year-olds last longer.
- Veronica: All right, girls, finish up. It's almost time for school.
- Kevin: Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds?
- Veronica: You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls?
- Kevin: Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. That's me now. Mr. Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
- Veronica: Okay, girls. Dishes in the sink and backpacks. Let's go.
- Kevin: I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys. Can you ever forgive me?
- Veronica: You're gonna live, baby. It's one tiny incision. [To Gemma and Amy heading to front door] Wait for Mommy.
- Kevin: [Pokes eggs and they run] Oh, God.
- Brad: Your sister coming again this morning?
- Lip: She said she was, yeah. Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.
- Brad: Bob?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Brad: Shit. What did he want?
- Lip: Wants to know my plan.
- Brad: You have a plan?
- Lip: No. Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.
- Brad: Don't fuck with Bob. He's tougher than he looks.
- Lip: He said Tami's definitely having the baby.
- Brad: That's the Tamiettis. Old-school Catholics. Big families and fish on Fridays. She tell you she was going to see a doctor today?
- Lip: No.
- Brad: This afternoon. Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.
- Lip: W- what kind of doctor? Did she say?
- Brad: Nope. Tami likes to stick it to her dad. Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.
- Fiona: All right. Coke, crackers, and a bedpan. Barb's saying three hours, but could be five. I can't stay the whole time. I got a meeting.
- Frank: Oh, Christ! AA?! Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult?!
- Fiona: Meeting with a public defender.
- Frank: Trouble with the law? Excuse me! I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh! Does this look like a scam to you?! Hey, doc! Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur?! Come on, I... Ah, that's right. Just walk on by, Osama. We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H- B visa.
- Fiona: More bees with honey, Frank.
- Frank: This is nothing but torture and payback. You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake. Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me. How did this happen, anyway?! I was taking a brief nap in that sh*thole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me!
- Fiona: My apartment building?!
- Frank: I woke up with a... a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life. I should sue the bastards!
- Fiona: You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay?! I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
- Frank: Never know. They may settle to avoid a court case. [To Fiona] Hey! You got anything useful in there?! Eh, a Quaalude?! Maybe an oxy?!
- Fiona: No.
- Frank: Miss! Excuse me. I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture. I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain?! I don't need much! of morphine would be more than enough.
- South Asian female orderly: You're Frank, right?
- Frank: Yes.
- South Asian female orderly: No.
- Fiona: [Chuckles derisively] Your reputation precedes you.
- Frank: What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this!
Found [9.14]
edit- Lip: He sleep here?
- Fiona: I think so. I didn't tuck him in or anything.
- Carl: Here's your bedpan back. Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
- Lip: Hey. Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting again today.
- Fiona: All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
- Lip: We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family. [Goes out side door]
- Frank: Ay! Jesus!
- Debbie: Ugh. This is nasty.
- Frank: Any of those beers have something left in them?
- Debbie: No.
- Frank: Any left in the fridge?
- Debbie: Let me finish this first. Ugh. Called a couple home healthcare worker places. Twenty-two bucks an hour. Thirty for overnights. Totally unnecessary. Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
- Debbie: Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night. Totally need someone to take care of you.
- Frank: Easy.
- Debbie: I'm not even supposed to be doing this. It's Liam's shift.
- Frank: Well, then get him down here. Liam!
- Debbie: He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
- Frank: What happened to that G.I. Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal?
- Debbie: I wasn't trying to steal her.
- Frank: Sure you were. You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
- Debbie: She broke up with Carl.
- Frank: So she is a carpet-muncher?
- Debbie: Don't be an asshole, Frank.
- Frank: She was cute. Smart, too. I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl. He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
- Debbie: Kelly isn't gay.
- Frank: Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation. Women like smart.
- Debbie: Sorry, sweetheart. You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
- Frank: Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona...
- Debbie: She's not...
- Frank: Hey. She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick. I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
- Debbie: Keep it up, Frank. You'll never see an Oxy again.
- Frank: Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier. Too much pretty can really mess you up.
- Carl: Morning. I'm not late, am I?
- Lori': He's here.
- Carl: Who's here?
- Lori': The Captain. He wants to meet you.
- Carl: Captain Bob? I thought he was made-up, like Colonel Sanders.
- Lori': Colonel Sanders was real.
- Carl: He was?
- Lori': Follow me. Sir. Ensign Gallagher. Best fryer mate I ever had.
- Bob: Pleasure to meet you, Carl. Have a seat. You want a root beer float?
- Lori': Ah, no...
- Bob: Lori, bring our little white panther here a root beer float.
- Lori': Okay.
- Bob: You want some popcorn shrimp? Lori, popcorn shrimp, too. I eat a basket every location I visit, Carl. Quality control is the name of the shrimp game. Look at that. Nicely battered, properly crisp. Mm, mm, mm. You really saved my ass the other day, son. Once word get out you can rob a franchise, the sharks descend. Give much thought to your future, Carl?
- Carl: Um, well...
- Bob: Look, I know a young man like you, it's hard to see yourself down the road, but Captain Bob's is growing. Carl, you own a Winnebago?
- Carl: No.
- Bob: I do. A Grand Tour. You got a lake house? Mm... I do. Ski boat? Two brand-new Cadillacs? You take a two-week vacation every year down to the Alabama coast?
- Carl: No, sir.
- Bob: No, you're damn straight you don't, but you will, Carl, if you make the right choice today. I got a store in East Garfield Park, and it's been robbed six times this month. You can start tomorrow, Assistant Manager. bucks a week. In a year, you could be manager. Hell, in ten years, you could even own your own franchise.
- Carl: Huh?
- Bob: The sky's the limit, son. Carl, play your cards right, you could even end up with your own Winnebago. [Laughs]
- Tami: Lip?
- Lip: Hey. What's up?
- Tami: Doctor's office called. They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
- Lip: What time is it now?
- Tami: Five of. I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
- Lip: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
- Tami: Yeah.
- Lip: Hey, Tami. How you doing?
- Tami: It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
- Lip: Okay. Come on. I'll find someplace to make that call.
- Veronica: There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing. It's scaring away the customers.
- Kevin: I tried to get it in the house. It just wouldn't fit through the door. V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
- Veronica: People rent Jesus?
- Kevin: Yeah, for parties and stuff.
- Veronica: Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin. Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
- Kevin: I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
- Veronica: A Jesus stripper?
- Kevin: Look at this website. They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
- Fiona: [Comes in door] Hi. [Sits at bar] What is all that about?
- Veronica: The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
- Kevin: Praise the lord!
- Veronica: I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
- Fiona: May I have a Coke, please?
- Veronica: Absolutely. What's that?
- Fiona: Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
- Veronica: No shit? How much? [Veronica leans into Fiona]
- Fiona: [Whispers] $ 100,000.
- Veronica: [Loudly] $000,000... eh.
- Fiona: One, oh...
- Veronica: Right? That is fantastic. So you... what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building?
- Fiona: Oh, hell no. Fool me once.
- Veronica: So what now?
- Fiona: Well, I quit my job at the gas station...
- Veronica: Damn right.
- Fiona: And now I don't know. I feel like I got a second chance.
- Veronica: And a third, and a fourth.
- Kevin: V, I could have different costumes for different occasions. Wedding Jesus. Uh, Last Supper Jesus. Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
- Veronica: Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
- Kevin: They didn't use real nails, did they?
- Tami: [On phone] Yeah, I understand. Right. Great. Yeah. No, thank you. [Sighs] Let me think it over. Uh-huh. [Hangs up and sighs] Positive. BRCA1. It's good.
- Lip: That's... That's "baby good," right?
- Tami: Yeah, it's "baby good."
- Lip: So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything?
- Tami: No.
- Lip: Okay.
- Tami: I'm actually afraid of heights. Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style. [Sighs] Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits!
- [Exhales sharply] Okay. I gotta have an abortion. I mean, I work in a hair salon. I breathe bleach fumes all day. This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
- Lip: Tami. Tami, Tami. Hey, breathe. Breathe. All right? Good. If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
- Tami: And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan?
- Lip: It wouldn't be an orphan.
- Tami: Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
- Lip: Yeah, I would.
- Tami: And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
- Lip: I'll quit.
- Tami: You'll quit. Right.