Shameless (American TV series)/Season 5

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

Season 5

Milk of the Gods [5.01]

[Mickey is auctioning off stolen property]

Mickey:Sold! To the man with the barcalounger fetish!

[Fiona is invited by an indie rock band at Patsy's Diner to cavort with them]

Fiona: Can't. I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00. [Holds up ankle and points to house arrest monitor]

Veronica: Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.

Carol: Look, you got to grab this tіt, and you got to massage it till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.

...

Veronica: No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.

Kevin: What are you talking about?

Veronica: I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.

Kevin: No. No, no, no, absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma, and be short, and have no friends.

Veronica: Kev, kids in this neighborhood are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk. Formula's a step up.

Mickey: When did Sammi start hanging out at the Alibi? That girl is hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.

I'm the Liver [5.02]

Mickey: Hey, people around here get their ass beat for missing Shameless. So sit down, shut up, and catch up. Or don't. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy to knock your fucking teeth out.

Debbie: What are we going to do for money this summer?

Carl: I plan to bang as many chicks as I can, and get so good at it, they even pay me to do it.

Debbie: Ha! Yeah, right. You're in a wheelchair.

Carl: Chicks dig wheelchairs.

Debbie: I swear to God, if you lose your virginity before I do, I'll stab you to death in your sleep.

Carl: I'm supposed to keep it in my pants till you're 30?

[Fiona follows an obese couple out of the diner after making relentless demands]

Fiona: Excuse me, was there a problem with your service? Because a tip of 15% or more is standard for--

Man: You were slow. Thanks.

Fiona: Slow?! Is it that I was slow! Or is it that your bloated metabolism can't handle a five minute wait for the ten pounds of bacon you shoved down your fat throat?!

Sean: Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! Enough, enough! Do I have to call the cops? What's wrong? What's going on?

Fiona: No tip.

Man: I want to talk to your manager.

Sean: You're talking to him.

Man: What do you plan to do about this?

Woman: Sir, please. She disrespected my husband on Father's Day.

Sean: Okay, ma'am. Ma'am.

Man: Slow, rude, and my eggs were undercooked.

Sean: Sir, respectfully, if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat here.

Man: Seriously? You're siding with this little slut?

[Sean grabs the man by the collar in a rage, they exchange blows and Sean slams him against a wall]

Woman: Let him go! Let him go!

Fiona: Okay, okay. Sean, let him go.

Sean: Okay, I'll let you go. But first, you apologize to my waitress. Then you walk away and you never walk down this street again. You got it?

Man: Yes, sir.

Sean: Sorry. You okay?

Fiona: Your lip's bleeding.

Sean: I'll ice it.

[Sean and Fiona are in her kitchen and she's attending to Sean's busted lip]

Sean: Hey. Let it go.

Fiona: They were just fat assholes.

Sean: I run a restaurant, Fiona. Fat assholes are my bread and butter.

Fiona: Wait, are you mad at me now?

Sean: No, it's just you-- you could have gone to jail for what, three bucks?

Fiona: What are you talking about?

Sean: So you take off your monitor, you're still on probation. Fighting in the street? Why are you stirring shit?

Fiona: I went out there to ask about my tip. You're the one who turned into a rabid dog.

Sean: Not that I didn't find that sexy, I'm not going to lie, but, you know, pot, kettle. You bring it out in me.

Fiona: So it's all my fault?

Sean: Get out there before one of those fat assholes starves.

[Fundamentalists church congregationalists are demonstrating at a soldier's funeral chanting homophobic slurs and the reverend is provoking Ian's comrades]

Ian:Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people? [Ian grabs a wooden cross and charges at them]

Mickey:Ian, you are in uniform and you're wanted by MPs. Can you not make a fucking... Hey, hey! [Mickey grabs Ian, trying to hold him back] That's making a scene.

Ian: Hey, shut the fuck up!

Mickey: What are you doing? Oh, you... What are you doing? What are you doing?

Ian: They call themselves a church. I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in with Jesus.

Mickey: That's a terrible fucking idea... Shut up, motherfuckers!

Army MP: Are you okay, son?

Ian: Fuck you! You can't wear the uniform and wield a cross as a weapon, soldier.

Ian: Oh, I'm the problem, huh?! I'm the fucking problem?! You're protecting these assholes!

Army MP: Listen to me. I hate these pricks too, but you need to settle down or I'll have to call your commanding officer. It's Gallagher, is it?

Mickey: No, we, we're good. We're good. Thank you. I got him. I got him. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one. Let's go. Go. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one.

Frank: Hey, Sammi!

Sheila: No, Frank, no. Come on. Don't get her involved in this.

Frank: Oh, calm down. She's got a good head for cons.

Sheila: Oh, God!

Sammi : Yeah, pop?

Frank: Why would two dykes offer double market value for this dump?

Sammi: What's the scam?

Frank: Not a scam. An investment.

Sammi: Tribune named this neighborhood an up and comer. Alls anybody's talking about down at the Alibi.

Frank: Oh, mother of God.

Sheila: What?

Frank: You are not selling!

Sheila: Hey, who was talking about sell... Are you going to sell this... Frank.

Frank: They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are the man moving in on our territory. Oh, great. It used to be that a... that poor folks could get a-a decent apartment right near downtown. And then suddenly, it's moved 40 blocks south. And then 80 blocks. Where does it end?

Sheila: Well, maybe it ends with you and me in an RV seeing the country.

Frank: This is just like with the Jews. Ten years from now, they'll claim it "never happened," but it is happening. They want to move people in who can pay taxes. So they push us out. And eventually, we end up in a camp somewhere at the edge of civilization. Oh. A tent city built on old landfills and toxic waste sites. And then they start passing out the smallpox blankets.

Sammi: Why you done with public pool? Someone shit in it?

Debbie: No.

Sammi: Someone shit on you?

Debbie: Sort of. Can you teach me how it all works?

Sammi: How what works?

Debbie: How you make guys want you, and when they do, what do you actually do? I mean, I've seen porn, but I'm not sure I understand all the technicalities. And you're a professional, so I figure you're the best person to ask. And please don't accuse me of being retarded or a child, because I'm neither

Sheila: We could see Mount Rushmore. We could go see where the... where the aliens landed in New Mexico. Or, or, or we could see The Burning Man. And mostly, Frank, we could get away from Sammi. Please, Frank, please. Please don't fight me on this. Because she just brings something out in me. I don't fully understand it. I hate your daughter, Frank. And I'm willing to sell this house that I love to get away from her. It's hate. I hate her. I hate your daughter, Frank. And I'm willing to sell this house that I love to get away from her.

Frank: Shiela, I get it. Yeah. I get it. Sammi is a tough nut to learn to love. And if we're being honest, I have heretofore failed on that front myself. But I will not participate in the destruction of my neighborhood. No, I will be remain here on the South Side of Chicago, and launch my beer, which will be a far greater legacy than any "Burning Man" will ever be.

Sheila: I want to see The Burning Man! I don't get it. Is he alive and burning? Does he burn himself a little bit each day? I don't know how he burns or... I want to know.

Mandy: My mother's heartbroken. My father, he started drinking again. And my brother, he won't listen to reason. Why would he choose faggotry over his family? Why?

Pastor: It's a sin that destroys, Mandy. And you have to cut that sinner out of your life.

Mandy: I'm just under 30 days clean. And I still think about using every day. Because it's a constant temptation. Like a yearning. I feel it in my stomach and my skin.

Sean: I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor, and I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.

Fiona: Are you making fun of me?

Sean: No, it's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie junkie, so I love chaos, and when I get into chaos, bad shit follows. And women like you...

Fiona: Women like me?

Sean: Yeah. Wo-- Hot, sexy, irresistible, fun, troublemaking, chaos causing, women like you... were my drug of choice long before I got into smack. It's funny, in fact. It was a woman just like you shot me up the first time.

Fiona: I would never do that.

Sean: No, I know. But you're a slippery slope for me, Fiona. I coulda beat that guy to death this morning 'cause he didn't tip. And it's not your fault. That is not on you. That's on me. But I-I have a son.And I won't risk my relationship with my son. No matter how badly I... want to do very, very bad things both to and with you. I'm not just chaos. I'm better. I've changed. I think I could be really good for you. I hope you keep coming to these meetings 'cause I think they help everyone. But I'm asking you. I'm really asking you, Fiona. Just sit somewhere else when you do.

Lip: It was a long shower.

Ian: Oh, you pussied up.

Lip: Yeah, well, might have been some phone sex with Miami.

Fiona:What are you guys building on top of the old nursing home?

Lip: I don't build. I'm just demo.

Frank: I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you all what it is. It's a Starbucks. Or some sort of artisanal juicery. Or a whole fucking foods.

Fiona: Just drop it, Frank, all right?

Frank: I'm talking about gentrification, my friends.

Ian: Genital what?

Frank: I'm talking about the beginning of the end. I have seen this before on Fulton Street in '64. On Kirby Street in '68. Realtors started buying up property at better than market value, and within a few months, the whole neighborhood was over run with the gentry, and we were forced out. Today, the urban gentry is monied lesbians. They knock on your door. They offer you twice what your home is worth, and they do it 'cause they know something you don't.

Sean: He like this at home? You think I'd let him live in my home?

Frank: Laugh, laugh. You won't be laughing in a year. When you won't be able to afford to live here. They move in, they take over. They kick the homeless out of the park as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there. We are dinosaurs, my friend. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of earth. And that comet is a Starbucks.

Kevin: What's up, babe?

Veronica: What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?

Kevin: You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.

Veronica: Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

Kevin: All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

Veronica: You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.

Kevin: God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

Fiona: Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.

Debbie: Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

Kevin: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?

Veronica: Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

Fiona: What happened to your hair?

Veronica: If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

Kevin: No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.

Veronica: I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?

Kevin: V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

Veronica: You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

Fiona: Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

Kevin: Who the fuck are you?

Debbie: It's just a fucking haircut.

Fiona: Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.

...

[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]

Pastor: Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.

Mandy: But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.

Pastor: But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

Mandy: But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.

[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]

Pastor: [Moans in pleasure] Yes.

[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]

Mickey: Really fast!

Pastor: What-- what is this?

Ian: That's a good one.

Pastor: Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?

Ian: Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?

Pastor: Oh, my God.

...

Debbie: It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

Kevin: It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...

Debbie: What? I look like a what?

Carl: Whoa, you look like a hooker.

Debbie: You think?

Fiona: That is not a compliment, Debbie.

Debbie: From Carl?

Carl: Totally is. Hookers are hot.

Debbie: See?

Fiona: Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?

Debbie: I don't know.

Fiona: You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs? Your friends still aren't talking to you?

Sean: What friends?

Fiona: You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.

Debbie: Fine. What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?

Fiona: Yeah.

[Sheila is confronting Sammi outside her trailer]

Sheila: I hope you're here to apologize. I tried, Sammi. I've tried to be your friend. Because you're Frank's daughter, and Frank's my husband. But I realized today, I'm your step-mother. And so to be a good step-mother to you is to be a parent to you rather than a friend. So, as a parent, it's my responsibility to tell you that the reason people don't like you, and that your father doesn't want to be around you, is because you're very, very needy. I just think you should know that, and then you can work on it. You're needy and annoying. And slutty, and a bad mother. I think this belongs to Chuckie. :[Hands her a ziploc bag of feces]

The Two Lisas [5.03]

Hanzi: I know you're not helping yourself to my stuff.

Frank: Well, you're not using it. Who's gonna buy this hunk of metal?

Hanzi: You are, my friend.

Frank: [Chuckles] Donate it. It's an excellent cause... my brewery...

Hanzi: $300.

Frank: I will give you a free six-pack of beer, and this is not...

Hanzi: I'm Muslim. I don't drink.

Frank: Ah, come on, buddy! I'm flat broke until my insurance check comes in. Cut me a break. What can we barter with? What's currently missing from your life?

Hanzi: A woman.

Frank: Anything else?

Hanzi: My wife just passed. Every Wednesday, we used to bust out the Astroglide and saddle up. I need to get laid. I don't want anything long-term, though, I'm emotionally unavailable.

Frank: Okay, okay, okay, you're in luck. I know a little blonde who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. You buy her a pork taco and a shot of Smirnoff, and it's go time.

Hanzi: Who?

Frank: My daughter. She's a looker, nice face, excellent tits, tight ass.

Frank: How was work?

Sammi: A goddamn nightmare. Why does everybody wait till the last minute to buy their damn sparklers? Like they don't know the holiday's coming. Seasonal retail is the pits.

Frank: You look exhausted.

Sammi: I'm not used to having people yell at me all day long. [Shouts] Chuckie! Go to bed!

Frank: Come on.

Sammi: [Sighs] I don't have anyone to talk to. Sheila hates me. Fiona ignores me. All those jerks at the Alibi just want to bang and bolt. Oh, they're... they're awful. [Cries]

Frank: You need a good man.

Sammi: I do. But there's none left.

Frank: Hey.

Frank: You know what? I have this friend. I think you two might really hit it off.

Sammi: N- no. No more.

Frank: I'm telling you, this guy is different.

Sammi: I need a penis break. I'm this revolving door for chumps. It's not good for me, and it's not good for Chuckie.

Frank: I'm telling you, this fella could be the one. He really knows how to treat a lady.

Sammi: Then why is he single?

Frank: His wife croaked. Poor thing. He has his own business, a late-model Sedan, widescreen TV. He showers regularly. [Laughs] Come on. Why not? Okay. There you go.

Sammi: If you say so.

Frank: That's my girl.

Sammi: Hey, thanks, daddy.

Frank: You bet.

Sammi: You're the best.

Frank: I am.

Blonde Lesbian: Let us know if you hear of anyone nearby struggling to make ends meet or on disability - or headed for incarceration. [Hands Sheila a business card]

Sheila: Oh.

Blonde Lesbian: We'd like to buy as many homes as we can.

Sheila: Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. [To Frank] That was one of the lesbians. [Holds up cheque] Okay, this is earnest money to buy this house, which means they're earnest! It's happening, Frank, whether you like it or not.

Frank: Oh, God. Oh, God. I, Oh, God, I can't, I'm, I'm sorry. I can't. I'm, I'm still too weak. I, What if, I have to stay close to my doctors and my family. Sammi and Chuckie need me, and Sammi is a train wreck. And Fiona and the kids-- I'm their dad. A home is a home, damn it. I died upstairs, and then I came back to life. I was reborn in this house. I'm practically the mayor of this place. Sheils, come on, you can't take that away from me. These few blocks, this neighborhood It's the only thing I've ever had. It's the only thing that's ever meant anything to me. I thought I was the only thing that ever meant anything to you. And you. Of course and you. Yeah, you're my everything. You are my dawn and my dusk. You're the sun. You're the moon. Sheila. Sheila, I'm begging you. Oh, fuck me.

Blonde Lesbian: My wife, Lisa, and I just moved into the house down the street.

Carl: Adamecs had three kids. Bank threw them out.

Blonde Lesbian: I'm sorry to hear that. Listen, was your car towed this morning?

Carl: We don't have a car, so, no. [Note: What happened to the Ford Taurus Carl stole with Bonnie in the previous season?]

Blonde Lesbian: Our Range Rover was. All the parking signs on the south side of the street were moved to the north side, and there are heroin needles in the alley and serial rapist flyers. It's like the neighborhood went to shit overnight. You know anything about it?

Carl: No, sorry.

Blonde Lesbian: Hmm. F.Y.I. [Whispers dramatically] We don't scare easily. [She leaves]

...

[Debbie drinks orange juice outside her house front door and then screams to the neighbourhood]

I am a woman!

...

[Fiona is at Gus' place eating gumbo sent to him by his father out of bowl while standing]

This gumbo is fucking delicious.

Sammi: You're a businessman?

Hanzi: More of a tradesman, actually.

Sammi: Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.

...

Tommy: Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!

Lip: Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.

Lip: Yeah.

Tommy: No.

Lip: I-I think I tweaked my back.

Tommy: You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?

Lip: No, I just...

Tommy: Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.

...

Debbie: Um, What's wrong?

Matty: Last night, did we, um.

Debbie: I know. It was wonderful.

Matty: So that did happen?

Debbie: Yeah You don't remember?

Matty:I was, I was plastered.

Debbie: But you had a... Your thing...

Matty: No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]

Debbie: I thought it meant you wanted to.

Matty: Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.

Debbie: We were on a date?

Matty: No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.

Debbie: I don't understand.

Matty: Friends don't rape friends.

Debbie: I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.

[Matty walks away]

Sammi: Look at those socks

Hanzi: Oh.

Sammi: Man with taste. [Chuckles, then clears throat] Oh, oh, um, listen, look, I-I really like you. You're a true gentleman, and I don't meet many of those, which is... why I want to take things slow.

Hanzi: Huh?

Sammi: I don't want to make the same mistakes that I have with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.

Hanzi: By "Take it slow," you mean we can get at it after I finish my water?

Sammi: [Chuckles] Oh. No, no, I mean, you know go out on a few dates, get to know each other better.

Hanzi: But Frank promised you would bone me as soon as we got back to your trailer.

Sammi: What?

...

Sheila: [To Frank in the basement when he's engrossed in his beer still] Frank, I've decided when Ernie comes with the RV to tell him to turn it around and take it back home.

Frank: You're keeping the house?

Sheila: I want to be with you and reaffirm our commitment to our partnership

Frank: Oh, you... Oh, no, no, no, no. Maybe later.

[Sammi comes down to the basement]

Sammi: Hey! You dangled me like a sex carrot to get brewery equipment?

Frank: You were lonely. I was killing two birds with one stone.

Sammi: Well, I--

Sheila: You know, I don't like your tone.

Sammi: He promised that man that I would put out on the first date!

Frank: I've seen you put out after the first drink.

[Sammi chases Frank up basement stairs with Sheila following leaving Hanzi behind, Sammi is on Frank's back pounding him outside in the street]

Sammi: I hope you die...

Sheila: Seriously, Frank...

Sammi: ...in a bottle of diarrhea!

Sheila: That is an unacceptable...

Sammi: I am your flesh and blood!

Sheila: Do something, Frank!

Frank: She is nobody! All right, can the both of you...

Sammi: I am your flesh and blood!

Frank: Both of you, just shut the fuck up?! Can't a man have one moment of peace?! Christ! I've got a raging lunatic succubus of a daughter, on one hand, and a lumpy, smothering pervert of a wife, on the other! And you are both driving me fucking insane!

Sammi: Daddy!

Frank: Don't you "Daddy" me! You are needy! You are slutty! Your son is a lump of pure misery! And you have disgusting personal hygiene! And you!

Sheila: What?!

Frank: You are a certified whack job!

Sheila: What?!

Frank: You couldn't go out of your house for two years. You take great pleasure in shoving fake penises up the butts of the men you love! You banged the husband of your only daughter! You adopted a bunch of Indian kids, and who the fuck knows why?! And I cannot stand your unreasonably complicated cooking!

[Sammi starts crying]

Frank: Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't a man get one fucking minute of peace?! Just one minute?! [Sheila's house goes up in a total fireball explosion] Holy shit! Must've been the extra propane.

Sammi: Where's Hanzi? [Hanzi's right leg comes down near Frank]

Frank: That's a nice sock.

[RV dealer pulls up in brand new RV, who gets out astonished at the sight, says "Holy Mama", without saying a word to Frank, Sheila gets in and drives off]

...

[Lesbian couple is watching firefighters douse Sheila's house wreckage]

Blonde Lesbian: At least we won't have to pay for the demo.

Redhead Lesbian: Score. [They do high five]

A Night to Remem... Wait, What?" [5.04]

City park policeman: [to Frank] Well, you're in a good mood for a man covered in pigeon shit.

Frank: You know, I'd hug you but neither of us would like that.

[Lou flips him off over shoulder while walking with her back turned to him]

Veronica: Going through a sex famine over here

Kevin: Besides, MMA chicks are super hot. It must be kind of weird dating a chick who can kick your ass.

Carl: Are you good with fractions?

Frank: Fractions of what?

Carl:Like if you have a 16th of an ounce of something, how many grams would that be?

Frank: You dealing drugs?

Carl: No.

Frank: If Fiona found out I was helping you with your drug fractions, she'd have my scalp.

Carl: No one's telling Fiona anything.

Frank: Basic overview. You got flaps, half G's, G's, teeners, 8 balls, and ounces. An ounce is 28 grams, but really it's 28.35. An 8-ball is 3.54, and a teener is 1.77. But the dealers round down. So they pocket the extra 0.35. You following?

Carl: I might need to write this down.

Buddy Diamond: I'm Buddy Diamond. I founded this organization.

Frank: Hold on. Your name is Diamond?

Buddy Diamond: Come this way.

Frank: Fuck. Whoa.

Buddy Diamond: As you know, most insurance plans have a cap on what they'll pay for prosthetic limbs. But thanks to you, these homeless children will live normal lives, play in the school yard, ride bikes, run for the sheer joy of it. Kids, this is the man I told you about. This is why you have legs. Such a... such a noble enterprise. It's wonderful what you're doing for these kids. I am so moved by it.

Frank: I knew you would be. But I need the money back.

Buddy Diamond: What?

Frank: There's been a mistake. And it's regrettable. And while I would prefer cash, I'll take a check.

Buddy Diamond: The money's been spent. That's what I brought you here to see.

Frank: No, no. I need that money back.

Buddy Diamond: It's not possible. Frank, you paid for half a dozen prosthetics, including this beauty here with silicone skin that goes for $60,000.

Frank: One leg? 60 grand? [He attempts to grab the prosthetic off the kids and they fight him for it]

Buddy Diamond: Hey. Hey. That doesn't belong to you.

Frank: No, no. Give me back my leg. Give it back.

Buddy Diamond: This is not your leg.

Frank: Don't take my leg. No. This is... No. I paid for the damn leg. That's all the money I've got in the world. This is my insurance settlement. Got to get my money back.

Debbie: How'd you get into boxing?

Derek: When I was 10, my dad beat my mom up really bad. Wanted to be able to defend her, so I started training.

Debbie: Really?

Derek: No.

[Frank and Carl are sitting on a curb]

Frank: All that money. All that fucking money wasted on child amputees, for Christ's sake. There's a lesson here, son. Charity is accepting help from others, not the other way around.

Carl: Okay.

Frank: And taking prescription medications while drinking and then smoking pot and then smoking crack can lead to questionable decisions.

Rite of Passage [5.05]

Gus: Uh, favorite Eagle?

Fiona: Bald.

Gus: Oh, come on. The band, and the correct answer is Joe Walsh.

Sammi: Dad never came home with my trailer.

Debbie: [Scoffs] He's not coming home with your trailer.

Sammi:What?

Debbie:There's no money. Never will be.

Sammi: But Dad said...

Debbie: He lied. It's a Gallagher rite of passage, realizing he let you down. He always will. First time's the hardest, but, hey, it means you really are a Gallagher now.

[Enters The Alibi bar]

Mickey: Whiskey. The fucking bottle.

Sammi: What's got you so riled up?

Mickey: Leave me the fuck alone.

Sammi: Hey, maybe I can help. I'd consider bringing you home, but I don't have one at the moment. Wouldn't stop us from paying a visit to the alley. I don't mind being bent over for the right guy.

Mickey: Guess that makes every other guy in her the right fucking guy.

Sammi: Oh, excuse me for having a shitty day and wanting to let off some steam.

Mickey: Not my type.

Sammi: Bet I could be.

Mickey: Bet you couldn't.

Sammi: What's your type?

Mickey: Redhead.

Sammi: I am downstairs.

Mickey: Batshit crazy.

Sammi: Check.

Mickey: Packing nine inches. [Holds up both hands to indicate measurement]

David's father: I did it this time.

David's mother: This time?

David's father: I saved David.

David's mother: That man is not David.

David's father: Yes, he is.

David's mother: Well, then I fucked our son.

David's father: You slept with our son?

David's mother: He is not our son!

Drug dealer: What'd he want?

Carl: Eight ball, but he wouldn't cough up the five benjamins.

Drug dealer: $500? Eight ball's $280.

Carl: It is?

Drug dealer: You got crib notes, and you still can't get it right. You're straight up dumb.

Carl: So I guess now is not the time to ask for a raise up in here?

Drug dealer: You are on seriously thin ice, Bieber. And you still owe me 100 bucks.

Crazy Love [5.06]

[Before the recap flashbacks segment]

Fiona: You don't think I have enough to do around here? Jesus. I'm not your fucking mother. Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.

...

[Fiona is punching Jimmy in the face outside her diner]

Jimmy: Motherfucker! Jesus!

Fiona: Where the fuck have you been?!

Jimmy: I'm bleeding!

Fiona: You disappear, you don't return my calls, my texts?!

Jimmy: I had something come up! [Gets slapped] Oh, fuck! Ouch! Fuck! Stop hitting me! [Fiona kicks him in the behind] God damn it! Enough! Enough with the hitting! Are you done?!

Fiona: Where, Jimmy, where?!

Jimmy: I was incommunicado for a while!

Fiona: For weeks, for months?!

Jimmy: About a year. On a boat. A yacht, actually!

Fiona: And not a call?! Not a text?!

Jimmy: I was handcuffed to a metal pipe in the engine room, pissing into an old malagueta can!

Fiona: For a year?!

Jimmy: For a while, yeah. And then I was slave labor in a Brazilian coca processing facility. Not much of a facility, really-- just some tents in the rainforest guarded by ladies with moustaches and AK-47s. Oh, and I caught malaria too. That knocked me out for a few months.

Fiona: That's bullshit!

Jimmy: And then I escaped into the jungle when the DEA showed up with the Federale. God's honest truth, I swear.

Fiona: [Referring to woman in diner] And who the hell is that?!

Jimmy: That's my partner!

Fiona: Your partner, as in your girlfriend?!

Jimmy: No, my partner as in crime. And shit, you're the one to talk.

Fiona: You got married? What was I supposed to do?! Was I supposed to sit on my porch, knitting, hoping one day you'd show back up?! You disappeared! Gone! Nothing!

Jimmy: I think you deviated my septum!

Fiona: Good! You're lucky I didn't have a knife!

Jimmy: Oh, Jesus. Fuck.

Fiona: I know. I know. You were going to college. You were-- you were becoming a doctor, and then you just vanished.

Jimmy: So what now?

Fiona: What do you mean, "So what now?!" I'm married!

Jimmy: Uh-huh. Jesus. [Fiona's phone rings]

Fiona: You're such a fucking asshole. Hey, Mickey.

Jimmy: Oh, Mickey Milkovich? Say hello to him for me.

Fiona: Shut the fuck up! Ian did what?! Okay, I'm coming. Yeah. I got to go.

Jimmy: Why?

Fiona: I have to go.

Jimmy: Wh-- what did Ian do? So that went well.

Svetlana: I call police.

Mickey: The hell you will.

Svetlana: No, I call police because Crazy Carrot Boy took my baby.

Mickey: You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip. Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen?

Svetlana: Pregnant hand-whore, who is also mother, they will believe.

[Lip peers into Fiona's bedroom and spots Jimmy asleep on the bed with his butt exposed]

Lip: You got this one?

Fiona: Yeah.

Lip: Are you sure? 'Cause I could beat him to death with a baseball bat. You know, say I mistook him for an intruder.

Fiona: No, I'm good.

Lip: All right.

Fiona: Thanks, little brother.

Lip: No worries, big sister.

Ian: Hey, why you crying? It's a beautiful morning, don't you know? Okay, you need a new diaper, don't you? Shh. All right. Hey, hey, hey. [Shushes baby] You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away. Okay. [Baby Wailing] Okay, okay, okay. Uh Okay, okay. Diapers. Where are diapers? Diaper. No diaper. Hey, Yevvy, look what I found. [Holds up a Motorhead t-shirt] Motorhead, yeah. Heavy metal diaper. You're gonna be a big badass. All the other babies are gonna look at you, and you're such a big badass, they're gonna go running-- no, crawling away in fear. Why are you still crying? Oh. You're hungry. It's morning. Babies get hungry in the morning. Uh, no food, but we're near an aqueduct. We can forage. We can hunt. We can get wild greens, okay? [Hoists Yevgeny on his shoulders and in deep voice] We go now. We hunt like men. One, two, three. Up, up, and away.

Karen Perlow: I'm Karen Perlow's mom-- 417? She gets a Ritalin every morning, never on an empty stomach, and then an Ativan at lunch-- two if she's feeling anxious at test times.

Lip: Okay, listen, I'm sorry, ma'am, but this isn't a summer camp, okay? And I'm not the camp nurse, so Karen, she has to handle her own reds and bennies, all right?

[Lip walks into dorm room with boys watching porn on laptop and smoking a bong]

Lip: Yo, douche bags, you think you could lay off on the water pipe and the porn until Mom and Dad Iowas are back on the Interstate, please?

Lip: Hey, I need to borrow your car. Ian just stole a baby.

Frank: Top of the morning, beautiful. How is my favorite public servant?

Postal woman: Buy some deodorant, Frank.

Frank: Any governmental gift envelopes addressed to a Gallagher in this little wheeled chariot of yours? It's getting to be that time of month.

Postal woman: Touch my cart, I'll call the cops.

[Amanda is painting a nude woman in a Renaissance-esque style on Lip's dorm wall]

Lip: Jesus, what's she weigh in at, buck 90, 200?

Amanda: Renaissance women weren't forced to starve themselves into an anorexic fashion industry marketing version of female sexuality.

Lip: I bet it was purely missionary. You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.

Lip: What, they just give you a card?

Amanda: They'll give you, like, ten if you want. We're the future. They're meth dealers. Give you your first few hits for free, get you hooked. I'm just gonna run it up and then beg daddy to pay it off, turn on the tears, tell him how much I love him, promise to come home for Christmas. He always caves.

Derek: How was your summer? You, uh, finish the community service hours for that solicitation beef?

High school girl: Fuck you, Derek.

Nurse: Mr. Gallagher? How you feeling, Frank?

Frank: I've felt better.

Nurse: I would hope so. We've started you on Prednisone to decrease the inflammation in your liver, also Lasix to bring down your fluid levels. You were quite jaundiced when you arrived. Have you been taking your antirejection meds as prescribed?

Frank: My bitch of a newfound daughter hasn't been giving them to me.

Nurse: Your daughter has been keeping your medications away from you?

Frank: No, but she was supposed to make sure I take them.

Nurse: Mr. Gallagher, you are a 51-year-old man with a new liver transplant. You should be able to take responsibility for your own medications, unless you're mentally incapacitated. Are you mentally incapacitated?

Frank: Mentally incapacitated?

Nurse: Retarded. Are you retarded, Frank?

Frank: No.

Nurse: Then get your shit together.

...

Nurse: However, we did find traces of cocaine, marijuana, and opiates. If I were to hazard a guess, my money would be on Oxycontin. If I were to hazard a guess, my money would be on Oxycontin.

Frank: Great stuff. The guy who invented it should be on the Nobel short list.

Nurse: This is no joke, Frank.

Tell Me You Fucking Need Me [5.07]

Veronica: Whatever you were looking at last week was not nearly as attractive as me. You know it and I know it. So clearly, your priorities are fucked up. Here's what you missed.

Chuckie: Ow, my stomach.

Carl: This a scam? You're really gonna shit your pants?

Chuckie: I did a little.

[Carl leans over a tough boy in the school hallway]

Carl: If you ever pick on asshead again, I'm gonna chew your nuts off with my teeth. [Pauses with eyes shifting side to side] And not in a gay way.

Uncle Carl [5.08]

Carl:I don't get why just don't use her face for target practice.

Frank:Because prison is no place for a man with naturally tight glutes.

Carl:Skank bitch did it to you. It'd just be self-defense.

Frank:Not after the fact. And, son, it's important to know the difference between a skank bitch and a deranged psychopath. Your sister Sammi is the latter.

[Someone knocks at the door when Lip and Amanda are making love in Lip's dorm]

Lip :What?

Muff: It's Muff. Is Amanda in there?

Lip: No.

Muff: Bullshit. Tell her I'm not fucking leaving till she faces me.

Amanda: Turns out lesbians are super possessive.

Muff: I fucking love you, Amanda. I fucking love you, you bitch!

Amanda: I let her go down on me, like, twice, and now she thinks we're married.

Lip: Right. So what do you want to do? 'Cause I have to pick up my brother in a few minutes.

Muff: Amanda, come out here and face me!

Amanda: I'll let you borrow my car if I can hide under your bed.

[Debbie is pounding a punching bag]

Derek:Easy, killer. Whose face are you picturing on that bag?

Debbie:Monica.

Derek:Who's that?

Debbie:Monica. My mother.

Derek:Mother? I thought she was dead.

Debbie:Monica. Not dead, just gone.She stayed around long enough to ruin our lives and pass on all her fucked up genes.

[Carl climbs into G-Dogg's Cadillac Escalade]

Carl: 'Sup, G-Dogg?

G-Dogg: "'Sup"? Boy, you been blessed with an education. Try to sound like it.

Carl: What is up?

G-Dogg:"[Chuckles] Try "Good morning, sir."

Carl: Good morning, sir.

G-Dogg: "Good morning, Carl. And congratulations. You just got a promotion.

Carl :I did?

G-Dogg: Look, one of my runners took a bullet this morning, so I need you to take a run for me this afternoon.

Carl: A run? To where?

G-Dogg: Flint, Michigan.

Carl: Asshead, get in. [Referring to the van]

Chuckie: I thought you said we were going to play catch. What's in those bags, Carl?

Carl: Horse.

Chuckie: Why are you taping horse to my tummy?

Carl: Because I'm your uncle and you're my niece. And you do what I say.

Chuckie: I think you mean nephew.

Carl: I think I mean keep your mouth shut and keep it shut no matter what, and don't tell anyone a word about this, or else I'll tie a fucking tire around your tummy and set it on fire, even if you are my niece.

Chuckie: Okay, Uncle Carl.

Fiona: What the fuck else am I supposed to do?

Veronica: You're scrappy, Fiona. You know how to fight. Don't pretend you don't know how to fight.

Fiona: So?

Veronica: So either fight for this marriage or cut him loose. Let him lick his wounds and move on.

Fiona: And you know how good I do with silence.

Lip: Right. Yeah. Silence in our house usually means someone stopped breathing.

[Rat with its tail in a mousetrap runs across the floor and Kev leaps up on a chair]

Breast milk donor: [In a non chalant tone] Yeah, I've been wanting to talk about these working conditions.

Chuckie: I still don't understand why you shot him, mama.

Sammi: Because, Chuckie, fatherhood comes with responsibilities that go far beyond shooting sperm into a V hole. And I have decided it's time to teach your grandfather those responsibilities, because, clearly, he never learned them. He's like an untrained dog who keeps shitting all over the house, so we have three options-- run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog. And I am choosing to train this dog. Isn't that the option you prefer, daddy?

Frank: Yes, it is, dear, and I really appreciate you taking such good care of me.

[Ian walks into the kitchen]

Debbie: He's totally Monica

Frank: Without the great ass

Sammi: Fiona, in my younger days, I slept with every member of the Guns 'N' Roses cover band Buns 'N' Hoses.

Fiona: And that would matter to me why?

Sammi: Because they all had wives they left back at home. I am telling you, the 1,000-mile rule-- that's real.

Kev: Hey, Kermit. You ever bartend before?

Kermit: At my niece's wake. It was a sad, sad day.

Kev: Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, bartend for me for a little bit and wait for V, and then you get to drink for free all week. I always wanted to go to college.

Carl: What's it feel like to be crazy?

Ian: Um, like I'm under a wet blanket and cotton mouth.

Carl: They give you shock therapy?

Ian: No.

Carl: Could be me next, you know. You ever think about painting yourself and running around naked? I think about that. Or flying? I dream about that. That doesn't make you crazy, you know. What about pushing someone on the tracks when the train's coming? - You ever thought about that?

Ian: No.

Carl: I heard about some guy that thought he had x-ray vision and could see girls' titties through their clothes. Maybe it's not that bad. You ever been to Michigan?

Frank: Put the drugs on Chuckie. Just strap him up.

Carl: Why?

Frank: Because you're 14, you look like a criminal, the cops can spot you a mile off, while Chuckie-- they take one look at that mongoloid, and all they want to do is look away. Here. Buy him a bus ticket. Yeah? And give your old man a taste for the effort.

Carl: I don't give a shit about Chuckie, but I'm pretty sure G-Dogg's gonna kill me.

Frank: No, he won't. There's nothing to be gained by killing a perfectly good corner boy. And it's not your fault that they came with drug dogs. That's the luck of the draw. G-Dogg will understand that.

Carl: You really think so?

Frank: I'm almost certain.

Carl: I'm fucked. What should I do about Sammi? Should I run away?

Frank: No, it makes you look guilty. Stay here, stay cool, let the storm pass.

[Mickey is playing an electric guitar in his bedroom wearing nothing, facing the doorway and has a severe bruise on his right side face]

Debbie: What happened to your face?

Mickey: Nothing.What the fuck do you want?

Debbie: Can you help me get these drugs?

Mickey: Iggy! Iggy! Can you get that shit? [Throws bag of empty prescription bottles to Iggy]

Iggy: Who the fuck gets high on lithium?

Mickey: No one.

Iggy: So? So I can't get 'em. I can get you crack, crystal, horse, E. But this shit, no. There's no market for it.

Mickey: I'll take some fucking crack.

Iggy: You got money?

[Mickey is silent and motionless. Iggy walks away.]

Debbie: When are you gonna come by to see Ian? He's been home all day. Maybe if you were there-- [Mickey Belches] Did you guys break up or something? Because I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to kidnap your baby.

Mickey: I'm fucking busy, Peppermint Patty. Go whine at someone who gives a shit. [Debbie walks over to sound system and turns it off]

Debbie: Frank used to drink like this. When Monica was around and they would fight, he would angry drink. It never worked. He always came back to her. You can't drink him away, Mickey. It won't work.

[Veronica is hiding behind a poster at an upscale restaurant watching a man before mustering up the courage]

Eddie: Veronica Fisher.

Veronica: Hey.

Eddie: You look fine, girl.

Veronica: Thank you, Eddie.

[Both chuckle]

Eddie: You look, yeah. Mmm, damn, princess, how long has it been? Long time. Those lips feel like yesterday. Should we sit, or should we find someplace more private?

Veronica: I'm sorry, Eddie. But you look, yeah. But I'm married. And I have twins-- Amy and Gemma.

Eddie: Oh, I remember them well.

[Eddie kisses both Veronica's breasts]

Eddie: Hello, Amy... and Gemma.

Veronica: That's not what I-- What? Ew! Shit.

[Veronica walks away]

Police: Put your hands in the air now!

Carl: All right, don't shoot. I'm white.

Frank: Looks like a tough night for the new liver. [Slides shot glass to a rat on the floor]

[Burly police detective walks into interrogation room with Carl and two dozen bags of heroin on table]

Carl:I want a fucking lawyer motherfucker!

[Carl is walked into a cell next to Chuckie's]

Chuckie: Hey, Uncle Carl.I didn't know we were going to be neighbors. Will you tell me a story?

Carl's First Sentencing [5.09]

Ian: I'm heavily sedated, and even I know what happened last week on Shameless.

Sammi: Know how groupies make sure their rock stars don't get lonely? All holes, Fiona. All holes.

Fiona: Spare me, Sammi.Your kid did not get arrested because of me.

Sammi: 'Cause of your thug brother. In one fell swoop, you Gallaghers managed to ruin his whole future.

Fiona: Let's be honest. Chuckie was not exactly destined for great things. Pack your shit and get out.

Sammi: I hope they throw the book at Carl. I hope the other kids in juvie toss his salad. Or make him toss theirs, whichever's worse.

[Ian is charging back and forth through the house with a baseball bat believing MPs are coming for him]

Frank: Somebody muzzle that kid.

Frank: It's a tragedy when a young man ends up behind prison bars.

Fiona: Bad parenting.

Frank: Oh, don't blame yourself.

Kevin: Yeah, man, shit got crazy. Have you ever done a shot off a coed who's using her ass crack as an ice luge?

Lip: No.

Kevin: Oh, it's way hotter than it sounds. Anyway, this is Stacey, and this is Cassie. Or vice versa. They're wasted.

Lip: Dude, don't-- don't do something you're gonna regret, though.

Kevin: Yeah? - I'm a gentleman, Lip. I'm just escorting them home.

Girl: Our Rapewalker to the rescue.

Kevin: No, please don't call me that.

Lip: A Rapewalker?

Girl: Well, he brought us back to our room and made sure we didn't get raped.

Kevin: I couldn't leave them alone with those lacrosse players.

...

Kevin: Well, sucks to be you. College is so much better with no school.

Fiona: What if he shows remorse?

Carl: What's that?

Fiona: It means you say your sorry.

Carl: I'm not.

Fiona: Lie.

Carl: Isn't lying in court illegal?

Fiona: Just tell the judge what she wants to hear.

...

Carl's lawyer: You lost your dealer a lot of money. You don't think he's got friends in juvie who will make you pay? The police don't want you, they want your boss.

Chuckie's lawyer: Happy to report Chuckie's IQ test came back. 71.

Sammi:Is that good?

Chuckie's lawyer: It's good for us. The judge might take pity on him, go easy on his sentence.

Sammi: Did you hear that, Chuckie? You scored a 71. Better than you ever did in school. So he'll get off with probation?

Chuckie's lawyer: I didn't say that.

Sammi: My boy can't go to juvie.

Chuckie's lawyer: I'm doing everything I can.

Sammi: You better be. What the hell are we paying you for?

Chuckie's lawyer: The state pays me.

Sammi: Yeah, and who do you think's part of the state? Me.

Chuckie's lawyer: Ms. Slott, your son was caught with 10 pounds of heroin on him. Literally, the evidence was strapped to his body. Even if he is functionally retarded, he's getting time. I'm sorry. Chuckie. [He's too engrossed in his handheld game to heed her] Mommy needs to talk to you. Chuckie. Chuckie! Put down the fucking game. Chuckie, you've always been my little bunny. Cute, round, and so innocent. But in prison, little bunnies get raped. Do you know what that means? It's when big, scary men pretend you're a woman. I'm not gonna be there in juvie to protect you, so you need to listen very carefully. Make friends in there. Do things for them, so they'll protect you. Anything it takes. Like making them feel good. Do you understand? Like touching them. [The lawyer gasps] Jerk the guards off, Chuckie, in exchange for protection. Do you know how to jerk a guard off? I'll teach you.

Frank: [Over arguing with Veronica whether he's entitled to a drink on the house] When did your heart get as black as your skin?! [Veronica then stares at him in total disbelief then Bianca intervenes, offering to pay for his drink]

Veronica: [To Bianca] Do the world a favor. Kevorkian his ass!

Bianca: God, where were you with all that carpe diem crap when I was in my 20s?

Frank: Um, this seat mostly. Couple of crack houses. Woke up in Mexico once. Couple months after I got there. Living life to the fullest. Wouldn't trade a day.

Professor Helene: In my mother's day, they'd say someone like you was being smart.

Lip: In my day, they just say I'm being an asshole.

Professor Helene: But an asshole that knows how to make a hell of an impression.

Professor Helene: And you look like a Schiele self-portrait.

Lip: A what?

Professor Helene: It's a shame you're leaving school. You're a smart one.

Lip: Like smart-smart or asshole-smart?

Professor Helene: Both. Close the door on the way out. What are you doing? Why call Financial Aid?

Lip: I mean, why take such an interest?

Professor Helene: Well, it's my job to take an interest in my students. I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but there's a policy against fraternizing with your professors.

Lip: Oh, I don't want to fraternize. I-I wanna fuck you.

Carl :What the hell do you want?

Sammi: Oh, Carl, always giving your big sis a hard time. Thank you for letting me visit my little bro. Heard you're planning on setting my boy on fire.

Carl: First chance I get. He dimed on me.

Sammi: You will not touch one hair on his head. Do you understand?

Carl: You think you scare me? Bring it, bitch.

[Sammi leaps over table, knocking Carl to ground, gets on top of him and starts pounding his face]

Fiona: Hey, you got any old clothes for Carl? Shirt with a collar. Nice shoes. Something that doesn't scream "I'm a gangster. Lock me up. Throw away the key"?

[Frank and Bianca meet Yaz the street drug dealer]

Frank: Yaz, my man!

Yaz: You're still alive? [Frank laughs]

Frank: Death, taxes, and Frank Gallagher. My lady friend and I would like to buy some of your finest herb.

Yaz: Only got one kind.

Frank: Well, then, that makes it your finest.

[Frank and Bianca are buying from Yaz]

Bianca: Hands in the air! I'm a fucking cop! I'm-- I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We'll take the drugs now.

[Kev answers a phone call while lying in bed in a dorm room]

Drunk girl: I'm at the cantina. You-- you can't miss me. I'm just-- I'm on the floor next to the pool table.

Kev: You're on the floor? It's the middle of the afternoon.

Drunk girl: Sure, I'll have another shot!

Kev: No, don't have another shot. [Sighs] I'm on my way.

Drunk girl: Thank you, Rapewalker.

Kev: Oh, please don't call me that.

Student: Where the hell have you been?

Lip: I know you assume that my sole purpose at this school is to cater to your sorry ass, but I have a life, all right? So unless you got 6 grand in cash, make it fast.

Student: Dude, you smell like pussy.

Lip: What do you want?

Student: That prick Joaquin stole my weed.

Lip: Joaquin, room 226? How do you know?

Student: Had my laptop camera on.

Lip: And what? He broke in?

Student: Well, the door was open while I was playing Call Of Duty with Marty Fizer.

Lip: Okay, so next time just lock your fucking door, genius.

Student: That's it? My parents don't shell out 60 grand for me to get robbed.

Lip: What do you want me to do-- you want me to call the cops and tell them somebody stole your pot?

Student: Do something.

Frank: You have not lived until you've heard the bones of your enemy being crushed under 3,000 pounds of Detroit steel.

Bianca: Daisy Kelso stole my date.

Frank: You never got payback?

Bianca: Mm-mm. She did him in the bathroom of a Popeyes Chicken.

Lip: Yo, if you're gonna smoke an illegal substance, you could at least do it in the privacy of your own shitty dorm room.

Joaquin: Eh, it'll be the most fun I've had since I got here. Everybody in my computer science classes are bitter Stanford rejects.

Lip: Not you?

Joaquin: Oh, I got into Stanford. [Inhales sharply on a joint while looking down with a blank face] Too much sun in California.

Lip: Right.

Bianca :When I woke up this morning, this is not how I saw my day ending. With a derelict getting stoned.

Frank: Derelict.

Bianca: Is that offensive?

Frank: I've been called worse.

Bianca: Those times you almost died, was it peaceful or scary or...

Frank: What's peaceful about dying? I don't care how much they meditate. When the time comes, those Hindus will be shitting their pants just like the rest of us. You know what they'll be thinking? "Fuck, I wish I'd tried steak".

[Bianca laughs]

Bianca: You ever streak before?

Frank: Many times. Just never on purpose.

Judge Gaither: Would the defendant like to say anything? Charles?

Sammi: Chuckie!

Chuckie: What?!

Judge Gaither: Would you like to say anything before sentencing?

Chuckie: Okay!

Sammi: I would, Your Honor. I'm his mom. May I speak? My Chuckie is a good boy. The only thing he's ever stolen was my heart. But he was taken advantage of by an older family member. If you're gonna blame anyone, you should blame his uncle Carl or the family who raised him or me, for putting an innocent boy in a den of wolves.

[Carl is led into the courtroom]

Lip: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think he's an upstanding young man.

Veronica: Just like Ted Bundy.

Carl's lawyer: He is sorry for what he's done, and he has learned from the experience.

Judge Gaither: Do you regret what you've done, Carl?

Carl: I did something really dumb that I shouldn't have. I trusted a fucking retard with a man's job. Next time I move a bunch of drugs, I'll be smarter.

Judge Gaither: If you want to go into my chambers and speak to me off the record, now is the time. Otherwise, you will end up in juvenile prison. Is that what you want?

Carl: Yes, please.

Judge Gaither: That's not what I was hoping to hear.

Carl: I know what you were hoping to hear. If Your Honor would lose 20 pounds, I would consider tapping that.

Judge Gaither: I think I've heard enough.

...

Fiona: Why the fuck did you do that, Carl?

Carl: When Paul Sugden came out of juvie, he knew how to make IEDs and where to launder money. You can't buy that kind of education. Plus, my street cred will be off the chain. Don't worry, I'm gonna make juvie my bitch.

Fiona: Any chance he'll get scared straight?

[Whole family expresses absolute doubt]

Veronica: He'll end up running the joint.

[Bianca knocks on door of residence with Frank standing to side and woman answers]

Daisy: Can I help you?

Bianca: Daisy Kelso?

Daisy: It's Rigby now. Do I know you?

Daisy's son: [Appears] Who is it, mommy?

Bianca: Oh, hi.

Daisy: Bianca, is that you?

Bianca: Yeah.

Daisy: My God, haven't seen you since... Prom.

Bianca: Yeah.

Daisy: How are you?

Bianca: Good. Now?

Frank: Now.

[Bianca punches Daisy in the face with her falling down and her son screams]

Frank: Run, run, run!

Daisy's son: [Daisy is gasping] Mommy!

Bianca: Do you think I broke her nose?

Frank: You took out a tooth for sure.

[Both Frank and Bianca are yelling and laughing]

Lip's finance counsellor: Pairing boobs with anything is apparently a very good business plan.

Kevin: [Greeting woman at dorm door] Hey, I'm here to escort you to a world of pleasure. [Enters room filled with young men] Oh, uh, hey. What's up, fellas? No offense, but the Rapewalker doesn't do gangbangs. I mean, you could be fucking a chick, but if you're getting off surrounded by a bunch of dudes, that's pretty gay.

Trevor: Thanks, Michelle. You can go now. [She leaves room]

Kevin: Her leaving did not make this feel less gay. Her leaving did not make this feel less gay.

Trevor: So you're the Rapewalker. Word's getting around that you're a real... gentleman with the coeds. Walking them home. Making sure they cum before you do.

Kevin: Well, it's important to treat a girl right.

Trevor: Well, it's kind of fucking things up for the rest of us! I mean, if you want to treat a girl right, go get a wife!

Kevin: You're right. But I already have one. [Shows picture of Veronica on phone]

Trevor: Damn, that's your wife?!

Kevin: Mm-hmm.

Trevor: Smoking hot, huh? Wow, dude. Look at that. Fuck. Those tits real? Oh, man.

Kevin: None of your fucking business.

Trevor: Why would you leave that?

Kevin: It's so simple in your 20s because you fall in love, you make bank when your girl posts videos of herself masturbating online. But then one day, you wake up, the bills are piled up, babies crying in your face. Everything's just so fucking hard. And the one thing that was easy, her, it's the hardest of all.

Trevor: Yeah, but she's really hot. She bad in the sack or something?

Kevin: She can do more with the flick of her tongue than girls here can do gyrating their entire bodies. [He starts jerking his head back with widening eyes that seems to say; now-you-see-what-a-condescending-schmuck-you-are?] That's what happens when you marry the best. No matter how many girls there are, they're still not V. Hey, thank you, man! This was a great talk!

Lip: Uh, yeah, no, I just can't figure out, you know, what's-- you know, what's in it for him?

Professor Helene: Might need to get used to it, Lip. The world picking you up. There it is.

Lip: What?

Professor Helene: That angst. Just like Schiele.

Lip: Yeah, that's the second time you mentioned her. I mean, who the hell is this Sheila chick?

Professor Helene: Egon Schiele, an Austrian painter.

Sean: You know, what I fantasize about is my PO in pain, his family in pain. Doing to him what he's doing to me. And all it would take to make everything I'm feeling go away is one visit to a street corner. Bobby, Kilpatrick and Maypole. Needle, spoon, little bag of dope. 'Cause if I move, that's where I'm going. So I'm not gonna move. I'm gonna try like hell not to move.

Fiona: If we're gonna sit out here, you need this.

[Fiona goes into Sean's place, finds a jacket and brings it out, draping it on Sean]

Lip: Hey, there's someone downstairs who's calling you sweetheart.

Helen's husband: Helene!

Professor Helene: It's my husband.

Lip: Husband? Are you kidding?

Professor Helene: Up here!

Lip: The fuck are you doing? Shit.

[Helene's husband enters bedroom and Helene breaks out laughing]

Helen's husband: Who's this?

Professor Helene: Welcome home. This is Lip. He's quite bright.

Helen's husband: Hungry? I just got back from a conference. Starving. How would you like your omelet?

Lip: Uh, whatever.

[Neo Nazi skinhead grabs a freshly swastika forehead tattooed Chuckie as his partner seat with Chuckie nodding silently with a blank face]

You're with us.

Carl's seat partner: I know what you did.

Carl: You're with G-Dogg? I didn't mean to lose the drugs. Tell him I'll get all of his money back somehow

Carl's seat partner: We know you ain't snitch. Could have gave him up. Could have made things easier for yourself. But you kept your mouth shut.

South Side Rules [5.10]

Lip: And how's the lovely Ms. Muff Bulldagger.

Amanda: Fiery and full of lust.

Lip: Yeah?

Amanda: Like a coked-up Amish teenager.

Frank: I can't offer you much, but what I can do is-- is be your chauffeur on the limousine ride to the pearly gates!

Professor Helene: You know what? Drop the whole "noble thug" shtick. You're covering your own ass and you know it. You-- you have a choice right now. To recognize that you are a promising young college student, not some ghetto outlaw. You stop behaving like the world is out to get you when it is so clearly dropping gifts at your feet. Or you keep doing what you're doing and you end up in a cell somewhere angry and out of options.

Bar thug: You heard the lady. She don't want to go home with you.

Sean: Mind your business, dumbass.

Bar thug: You just call me a dumbass?

Sean: Bartender, can you serve this melonhead some IQ points?

...

Bar thug: You got a real mouth on you, pal.

Sean: Yeah, most humans with a face do.

Sammi: Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know you are a really good kid with a big heart. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you're gonna do great. [Two burly Army MPs appear from both sides of the house] Okay. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.

Drugs Actually [5.11]

Fiona: Meanwhile, I'm fantasizing about setting Sammi's fucking clothes on fire while she's wearing them...

...

Sean: ...Sarah closes out your tables, I pull glass from your hand, you refrain from setting people on fire...

[Sammi walks into house with a box]

Mickey: Need a little help with that?

Sammi: No thanks.

Mickey: Are you sure? [Grabs box and attempts to intimidate her]

Sammi: [Holds out a revolver and points it in Mickey's face] Yes I'm sure you inbred hoodlum piece of wet dogshit...

...

Sammi: ...Then excuse me while I go visit my son, who, thanks to all of you, is in juvie and will probably celebrate his 14th birthday there.

...

Sammi: ...Family sucks ass.

Mickey: I know people who take that shit real serious.

Debbie: What do you mean?

Mickey: I mean people who will slip that bitch a roofie, strap her to a chair, and pull her fucking teeth out.

Sean: Is he serious? Because I'm on parole.

Love Songs (In the Key of Gallagher) [5.12]

[Monica is sitting by a truck driver]

Monica: I had an aunt who lived south of Phoenix somewhere, and she had oranges and lemon trees growing right in her yard. She'd make us cookies at the holidays, you know? Those Christmas trees with the green icing on top. And then she'd put those little silver sugar balls on 'em, like ornaments. She would make dozens of them and mail them up to us. Most of them got broken, but you can piece 'em together and they're still good, you know?

Frank:That central market's like a narco Kmart. Guy offered me a gallon jug of Propofol for 50 bucks.

Debbie: Liam. Plate. Sink.

...

Fiona: There's a Russian prostitute in my kitchen talking diaper genies and infant diarrhea with my husband. So are you and Kev...

Veronica: Giving it another try.

Fiona: That's great.

Veronica: Yeah.

Fiona: Is that a hickey?

Debbie: Yeah. What?

Fiona: Are those teeth marks? Tell that boy no teeth. Just lip and suction.

Veronice: Didn't you have the talk?

Fiona: "The talk"?

Veronica: Birds and bees. His thing, her thing.

Fiona: She's on the pill.

...

Veronica: The pill at 13?

Fiona: 14, she's almost 15.

Veronica: Really? Well, I guess she should. I started at 11.

Fiona: 11?

Veronica: Yeah. Developed early. Boys started sniffing around when I was 10, grown men by the time I was 11. Mama had to beat 'em off with a claw hammer. The deacons at the church were the worst. Nothing but hands.

[Kevin and Veronica are waiting in a walk-in clinic]

Kevin: You know I used a condom.

Veronica: On your tongue?

...

Clinic physician: What seems to be the problem?

Veronica: My husband's a slut!

Kevin: V, that's a little harsh! He slept with a bunch of girls, and I want to make sure he doesn't any nasty diseases.

Clinic physician: How many sexual partners have you had in the last 12 months?

Kevin: What, you want names? 'Cause I didn't catch many names.

Clinic physician: Just a number will do.

Kevin: Uh... Frontal and anal?

Veronica: Anal?!

Kevin: Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many coeds want it up the butt. Think it preserves their virginity. They call it "the poop-hole loophole".

Veronica: Damn, Kev!

Kevin: It's a really big school, V. Ballpark? More than X, less than Y? Is that math? I really wasn't--

Clinic physician: How about best guess?

Kevin: [Inhales deeply] Uh... [exhales deeply and counting off on both hands] 22, 23, give or take 5 or 6.

Veronica: What?!

Kevin: I was the rape-walker! I had lots of opportunities!

Bianca: Let's go get drunk... buy a gun.

Frank: A gun?

Ian: Hey, you can pay for all this, right?

Monica: Yeah, sure. - Okay.

Ian: So I'm not gonna have to sneak out the back window, like when I was little?

Monica: Really? I don't remember that.

Ian: Frank, uh, broke open the bathroom window. I tried to climb out. I ripped my pants on the glass.

[Monica laughs]

Costa Rica bartender: [Referring to Bianca] Your daughter is very beautiful!

Frank: What?!

Costa Rica bartender: Your daughter!

[Frank goes up to the bartender] Do you know where I can buy a gun?

Costa Rica bartender: What kind of gun?

Frank: One with bullets.

Costa Rica bartender: Pistol? Shotgun? Semiautomatic? Assault rifle? Machine gun?

Frank: Pistol should do it.

Costa Rica bartender: [Jabs thumb over shoulder] Do you see the skinny Brazilian with the Neymar jersey? He is your man.

Veronica: Could you stop doing that, please?

Carol: Doing what?

Veronica: Acting all knowing about my husband.

Carol: If the shoe fits...

Veronica: You don't have to rub my nose in it, Mother.

Carol: You never ever let a good-earning, good-looking, good-in-the-sheets man like your Kev off a leash, unless you're ready for him to run wild in the neighborhood sniffing after every bitch he sees.

Veronica: I didn't know that he was gonna round up half of Delta Delta Sluta for a dip-the-stick marathon.

Carol: A thirsty man coming out the desert is bound to take a drink.

Veronica: Now I'm a damn desert?!

Carol: A man only has one kind of camel to ride for many years. That camel run off, he gonna try to take a few other rides out for a spin before he decides which one he's gonna drive off the lot.

Veronica: That was, like, 15 different insulting metaphors all mashed up into one incredibly nasty sentence.

Carol: So your man likes lemons? Make yourself some lemonade.

Veronica: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Carol: Dress up like a little girl, if that's what he likes now. Go to one of those, uh... Forever 15 stores in the mall, buy yourself some of those cheap little-girl college clothes. Make your man happy.

[A pickup drops off Monica and Lip off at some farm]

Monica: Okay, we're here.

Lip: Where are we?

Monica: Home. Oh, God! He's back! He's here!

Ian: Who's here?

[Monica calls out to Walter and a shirtless man with heavy tattoos around Ian's age appears and walks to them and Monica hugs him in embrace]

Monica: I missed you.

Walter: Who is this?

Monica: This is my son. Walter, this is my son Ian. Ian, this is the fantastic, fabulous, incredible Walter!

Sean: [On the phone] Hey. Yeah. You wanted-- Uh, honestly? Yeah, I'm sick of this shit. Yeah. I know. You know what it feels like to me? Like the same thing, like I-I'm just hearing you say the same thing over and over again, so... I- I- I don't need-- Yeah, okay. Yeah, let-- yes. Bye. [Under breath] Jesus Christ.

Fiona: How you doing?

Sean: Fine.

Fiona: Who were you talking to? You want to talk about it? We could grab a cup of coffee.

Sean: And why would I want to do that?

Fiona: 'Cause we're friends. Figured you might need someone to talk to.

Sean: We're not friends.

Fiona: Of course we are. [Scoffs and turns around and walks away]

Lip: Muff still threatening arson?

...

Amanda: I can go heat it up in the lounge microwave.

Lip: No, no, it's cool. I like it cold.

Amanda: Another trip to the cougar cage?

Lip: No, no. The, uh, physics lab. My, uh, phonon spectra of crystals project is due Friday.

Amanda: Does she make you happy, or is it just about the sex?

Lip: It's the sex, mostly.

Amanda: Is she better at it than I am?

Lip: No, just, um...more practice, I guess.

Amanda: She do stuff that I should probably know how to do? Anything you'd like to teach me? [Lip ignores her] Cold pizza sucks. I'm gonna go warm this up. [She leaves the room and then eventually Lip silently leaves the room, leaving the dorm door open]

[Fiona walks into Debbie's bedroom with Derek who promptly leaves]

Debbie: What are you doing coming into my room without knocking?

Fiona: I knocked.

Debbie: We weren't doing anything.

Fiona: Well, why is Derek in his underwear?

Debbie: He's spending the night.

Fiona: No, he is not.

Debbie: Yes, he is.

Derek: Uh, no, I'm not.

Debbie: What do you mean?

Derek: My dad would kill me, okay? I'll see you at school tomorrow. Sorry, Miss Gallagher. Don't embarrass me like that.

Fiona: Embarrass you? Hey.

Fiona: You can't have a boy in your bed!

Debbie: Why not? You do!

Fiona: I am a grownup.

Debbie: I'm pregnant!

Fiona :No you're not. No you're not.

Debbie: I love him!

Fiona: No, you don't.

Debbie: We're gonna get married.

Fiona: No, you're not.

Debbie: Derek's mom got pregnant when she was six months older than me, and they've been together 20 years.

Fiona: What are you talking about?!

Debbie: I love him, and we're gonna get married, and we're gonna have a lot of babies, and we're gonna be happy!

Fiona: Oh, for fuck's sake, Deb!

Debbie: Why won't you ever let me be happy?!

Fiona: Ian's off his meds. He ran away with our batshit-crazy mother. Carl's doing time in juvie, and now Deb wants to be a contestant on "Teenage Mom."

Gus: Is she really pregnant?

Fiona: Could I possibly be doing a worse job of raising these kids?

Gus: Liam isn't smoking crack.

Fiona: Thanks for coming over, I'm just having a complete meltdown

...

Fiona: You can stay here.

Gus: Uh, your bed sucks.

Fiona: Never had any complaints.

Gus: You probably shouldn't be reminding your husband of how many men have tried out your mattress.

Debbie: I'm not a kid!

Fiona: Yes, you are.

Debbie: It's my body, my decision.

Fiona: You're just a kid if you're willing to make a decision that could ruin the rest of your life with a boy you barely know.

Debbie: You married a guy you barely even know!

Fiona: Do you even love him?

Debbie: Oh, or do you still love Jimmy or maybe Sean or some other cute guy you run into on the street?

Fiona: Okay, okay. Hey. Don't do this. Please. Don't have a baby.

Debbie: It's a mistake. I know who I love, and I know what I want... even if you don't.

[Veronica debuts her school girl costume to Kevin in the bedroom]

Kevin: Did you go shopping?

Veronica: Mm. Isn't this what you like?

Kevin: [Laughs] No. Yes. I mean, what's the right answer?

Veronica: Is this what they wore-- those slutty coeds you nailed?

Kevin: Oh. No. I mean, I don't-- sort of, I guess. I mean, they wore a bunch of different kinds of things. They wore skirts and sweatpants, most of 'em. They wore jeans with those torn knees and--

[Veronica gets annoyed and starts hitting Kevin]

Kevin: Ow! Hey! You asked!

[She leaves the bedroom and Kevin follows her to console her]

Kevin: I don't want you to dress like anybody else. I want you to dress like you-- Veronica clothes.

Veronica: Babies, Kev-- you better go and hold 'em. I know that's where you want to be, so you better go before they die!

Kevin: No, I want to be here with you.

Veronica :Go get the babies!

Kevin: We'll go do it together, okay? Oh, shit, they sure can scream, can't they?

[Lip walks into college library and Amanda pops up alongside him]

Amanda: You disappeared last night.

Lip: I know.

Amanda: That was a really shitty thing to do.

Lip: I know, I know. I just had something to do, okay?

Amanda: You just split and left me there. I waited for two hours.

Lip: Listen, I never asked you to come over, okay?

[Amanda punches him in the face]

Lip: What the fuck was that for?

Amanda: Making me fall in love with you.

Lip: I didn't make you do anything!

Amanda: Yes, you did, because you're so fucking...you! You're not like anybody I know or have ever met or will ever meet. You're just-- Oh, fuck!

[She walks away and staring library patrons start applauding with Lip sarcastically acknowledging them]

[Fiona arrives early at the diner and Sean lets her in]

Sean: You're not on the schedule today.

Fiona: What's going on with us?

Sean: Well, you're married.

Fiona: So?

Sean: So, you're married.

Fiona: I think I'm in love with you. And I'm pretty sure you're in love with me too.

Sean: Pretty sure, huh?

Fiona: Or could be.

Sean: Gus seems like a good guy.

Fiona: Something is going on with us. We both know it.

Sean: Well, I don't want to be that shithead who's sleeping with some nice guy's wife, okay? I've been that guy, hiding in a closet.

Fiona: What if Gus and I split up?

Sean: Well, don't do it 'cause of me. [Staff knocking at door] That's the staff. I got to let 'em in. [He opens door] Hey. Come on in. It's 7:00. I got to open.

Fiona: You make me happy. I'm happy when I'm around you.

Sean: Happy... is overrated. Grow up, Fiona.

[Ian is at Walter's place, Monica's boyfriend, who he has just met]

Ian: How old is he?

Monica: I don't know.

...

Ian: You know, you can never see this many stars from Chicago. There's uh, too many lights from the city. It crowds all the stars out of the sky. Are you selling meth?

Monica: What?

Ian: I found some in your bag.

Monica: You're going through my stuff?

Ian: Is that how you got that money? And what is he doing out here?

Monica: Shh. Will you keep your voice down? It's his grandma's old place, and Walter keeps an eye on it.

Ian: Is he cooking out here? I looked into that trailer over there, and I saw some stuff.

Monica: He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And I'm happy. Okay?

[Walter bursts from trailer]

Walter: Hey. The fuck is going on out here?

Monica: We're just talking.

Ian: Well, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep!

Monica: Okay, we will.

Ian: Jesus.!

Monica: Shh. Stop.

Walter: What the fuck you say?!

Ian: Jesus! I said fucking "Jesus!"

[Walter attempts to run up to Ian and Monica thwarts him, ushering him back to his trailer]

Walter: [To Ian] Don't eyefuck me motherfucker!

Monica: He's just under a lot of stress now, okay? I mean, most of the time he's sweet, really sweet. Ian, I'm finally happy. People like us, we can be happy. I love him. And that's the most important thing, to find somebody you love, right? Who loves you back for who you are. I want that for you.

Mickey: Where the fuck you been?

Ian: With my mom.

Mickey: You okay?

Ian: I hate the meds. You gonna make me take 'em?

Mickey: You get fucking nuts when you don't.

Ian: Are you gonna want to be with me even if I don't? You used to love me. Now you don't even know who I am. Shit, I don't know who I am half the time. You don't owe me anything.

Mickey: [In a tone of voice that a parent uses with a melodramatic child] I... love... you...

Ian: What the hell does that even mean?

Mickey: It means we take care of each other.

Ian: I don't want you sitting around, worrying, watching me, waiting for me to do my next crazy shit. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit. You gonna marry me?

Mickey: Are we gonna go down to the courthouse in some tuxes like a couple of old queens?

Ian: Fuck you.

Mickey: No, thanks. I've already done that. What the hell is wrong with you?

Ian: Too much! Too much is wrong with me. That's the problem, isn't it? Too much is wrong with me, and you can't do anything about that. You can't change it. You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me! This is it. This is you breaking up with me.

Mickey: Yeah.

[Ian and Lip are sitting in the van of their backyard]

Ian: What happened to your face?

Lip: Girl hit me.

Ian: Probably deserved it.

Lip: Yeah. There's no such thing as casual sex anymore. You know, I, uh... I think I'm falling in love with one of my professors.

Ian: Woman?

Lip: Yeah.

Ian: Cool.

Lip: Is that Frank? [Frank walks up to van window]

Frank: She's gone, boys. She's gone.

[They both laugh]

[Sammi is approaching in the distance with a handgun and she is calling out to him]

Mickey: Holy shit. Is that Sammi? She's got a fucking gun!

{Fiona is in the kitchen with Veronica]

Fiona: Do you think I'm a good person?

[Sound of gunshot]

Fiona: Was that a gunshot?

[A ricochet flies through window whipping up drapes]

Mickey: Fuck you!

Sammi: Oh, you're gonna get fucked!

Fiona: Is that Sammi?

Sammi: You tried to fucking kill me!

Mickey: Fuck you!

Sammi: Fuck you, too!

Mickey: Fuck you and your weird-ass kid! Oh, you're gonna get fucked, you little bitch!

['Fiona rushes out backyard door and comes across Ian]

Fiona: What the hell is going on?

Mickey: You shoot like a bitch!

Ian: Hi.

Fiona: Hi. What is going on?

Ian: I'm not sure. Mickey tried to kill Sammi. Sammi's trying to kill Mickey, and something about her being in a box for a week.

Fiona: When did you get back?

Ian: Couple minutes ago.

[Police sirens approach]

Fiona:: How's Monica?

Ian: Living with a teenage meth dealer.

Fiona: Sounds like Monica. That can't be good.

Debbie: [Reading a pregnancy test] [In an excited voice] Oh shit! [In a dreading voice] Oh shit...