Shameless (American TV series)/Season 2

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

Sumertime [2.01]

Karen: [Referring to Sheila counting her steps] Won't be long now, Frank. In a few days, she's gonna make it to the store, the hair salon... Alibi Room, gonna meet your friends. Hear all those heartwarming, scumbag, freeloading Frank stories.

Frank: [Karen's boyfriend Jody pulls up on motorbike] Who the hell is that?!

Karen: Friend from group. [She gets on Jody's bike]

Frank: Group?

Karen: Sex Addicts Anonymous. Gig's almost up, Daddy Frank. [Pats Jody to go] Time to make other plans. [They ride off]

Fiona: [Lip comes downstairs to kitchen heavily bruised] Whoa, what happened to you?

Lip: One of my fighters pussied out. I had to fill in.

Fiona: Looks like the pussy had the right idea. Get some ice on that eye.

Debbie: [She comes downstairs] with a clipboard Good morning. We're out of mac and cheese. I can make PB&Js instead, but I'm gonna need more bread.

...

Fiona: [Debbie pours herself a cup of coffee and Fiona objects pointing] Whoa, half a cup.

Debbie: Exhausted. Liam had me up half the night banging his head. I need my own room. And I want a pony for Christmas. He's a boy, he should be with the boys.

Lip: No way, there's three of us in that room.

Debbie: I'm a girl. I'm gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation.

Fiona: It's not that traumatic.

Debbie: How would you know?

Lip: Video in 5th grade.

Ian: What we talking about?

Lip: Moving Liam into our room.

Ian: No fucking way.

Debbie: First daycare kid is here. My own room?

Fiona: It's not gonna happen, Debs. Go, go.

Ian: Traumatic transformation?

Frank: [Ranting to Kevin at The Alibi] Eddie goes to the corner for a pack of Luckies, never heard from again. Goddamn city couldn't wait to stop paying him. Wasn't two weeks before the checks stopped coming. And now what are we supposed to live off of? Sheila's single disability check? Then they go and pat me down. How does Mr. Osama-Obama expect us to survive on that?

Thug: [Bragging to his social circle at a distant table] He's gonna try to Tase me.

Frank: If Sheila does go to work, what's she gonna make? Minimum wage at best. Nobody's heard from Eddie?

Thug: He tases me.

Frank: Not a word. Man's got no sense of responsibility. Leaving a family of three to fend for ourselves.

Thug: Yeah, I got tasered twice, man.

Frank: [To the thug] Bullshit!

Thug: What'd you say?!

Frank: Uh... I said "bullshit". I got tasered for, like, a second, I crapped myself. There's no way you got tasered twice fought off three cops, ran away. Pfft.

Thug: What, you calling me a liar?!

Frank: At the very least, an exaggerator.

Thug: A grand says I did!

Frank: He's for real. Kev, you still got that taser back there? I'll see your grand and add nine more. Ten thousandin American legal tender says you cannot get tasered twice and not soil your tighty whities, much less keep standing.

Thug: All right, shithead. [Undoes his shirt] Do it. Do it! [Kevin tases him] Again! [Kevin tases him again] Fuck! [Thug is still standing unfazed]

Frank: What?!

Thug: Where's my ten grand, motherfucker?!

Mandy: Get your guard up, Lip. Kick him back. You're punching like a fag.

Veronica: Hey, Justin Bieber, how's things at Goldman Sachs?

Adam: Well enough for me to afford getting ripped off here. And it's J.P. Morgan.

Veronica: All you mortgage-raping shits should be in prison anyway.

Adam: I was in grad school during the mortgage crisis. Nowadays, we're trying to short Euros so Greece will go bankrupt. [To Fiona] Are we on for later?

Fiona: I haven't decided if I still like you.

Lip: [Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?!

Ian: It's a mission packet.

Lip: To West Point?

Ian: You're going through my stuff now?!

Lip: Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!

Ian: I wanted to see what it would take to get in.

Lip: What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?

Ian: Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?

Lip: I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?

Ian: Stan?

Lip: Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...

Ian: I guess I'm a patriot!

Lip: Fuck.

Summer Loving [2.02]

[Sheila is going for a morning walk and comes across a couple selling farm produce vegetables out of a van]

Sheila: Hi, Manny! Hi, Therese!

...

Sheila: [Calling outside house to Frank sleeping on couch] Frank...! Wake up! Frank, come on, I have something wonderful to tell you. Hurry, I've had an epiphany! [Frank opens door to Sheila holding up an eggplant] Frank... Do you know what this is?

Frank: Eggplant?

Sheila: Liberation.

Frank: No, no, no.

Sheila: Rebirth.

Frank: Not with all the king's vaseline.

Sheila: Freedom!

Frank: That won't fit.

Sheila: Frank... Fuck you, Gallagher. I made it all the way to Manny's produce truck today-- 214 steps. I went to just do my extra ten steps, and then I saw the eggplant and the rows of beets and the organic squash, and I just kept going.

Frank: Manny's pushing organic now?

Sheila: This is just the start.

Frank: The scourge of gentrification. Next he'll be Hawking that coffee grown in cat shit.

Sheila: Frank, I am shopping, I am part of the economy, I am myself again.

Frank: Here we go.

Sheila: Today... A grocery truck, tomorrow the world.

Frank: It's over.

Kevin: I always thought agoraphobia was permanent, like autism or AIDS.

Frank: She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.

Kevin: That you're a raging alcoholic?

Kate: Who owes money to everyone?

Kevin: Who's had sex with her daughter?

Frank: It's not sex if you can't remember it.

Kevin: Well, then you're a virgin, Frank.

Frank: Gonna be out on my butt in weeks.

Kevin: Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?

Frank: I don't like them and they don't like me.

Tommy: Frank squatted at my place for six months. Finally bought tear gas, smoked him out.

Kate: I gave myself crabs to get him out of my place.

Frank: It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on. My gift.

[Ian and Mandy are waiting for Mickey outside a prison]

Mandy: Here he comes. You know, you didn't have to come with me.

Ian: Bad neighborhood.

Mandy: We live in a bad neighborhood.

Ian: Yeah, but we're related to the bad people in our bad neighborhood.

Mickey: The hell's he doing here?!

Mandy: Hey, Mick. He thought I needed protection.

Mickey: Oh, yeah? Trust me, you may think you know my sister, but you don't know my sister until you've fought my sister.

Ian: She's protecting your ass.

Mandy: You smell like barbecue sauce.

Mickey: Smell like what?! [Gets Mandy in a headlock]

Mandy: Oh, ow!

Mickey: What did dad tell you?!

Mandy: Ow!

Mickey: Fuck the police?!

Mandy: No titty twisters now that I'm a C cup! Ow!

Mickey: C cup? Bitch, you wish. [Turns to prison staff and yells generally waving both middle fingers] Hey, fuck you, fuck you, and especially fuck you.

Ian: All right, Jesus, let's get out of here before they throw you back in.

[Frank bangs on Dottie's door]

Dottie: Who the hell is it?

Frank: It's Frank Gallagher, Dottie.

Dottie: Get off my property.

Frank: I brought your pasta primavera.

Dottie: Eat shit, Frank.

Frank: Well, I-I would, but I recently went vegan. Honestly, Dottie, Antoine told us your news.

Dottie: I've had some health setbacks myself.

Frank: Wanted to tell you the crew at the bar's thinking of you. Thought I'd bring your dinner over and tell you in person.

Dottie: No lasagna left?

Frank: I grabbed the last one he had. Enjoying your night?

Dottie: I'm watching one of those fat-people-hate-themselves- for-being-fat shows. Makes me feel healthy.

Frank: I love that show.

Dottie: I hate fat people.

Frank: Did you hear a beep? Oh, guy locking his car.

Dottie: Look, I'm missing my show.

Frank: Mind if I join you?

Dottie: I haven't showered and I'm not gonna.

Frank: Makes two of us.

Dottie: And it's not an invitation to stay. Couch, fat people show, leave. I'm not a bed and breakfast.

Frank: Roger that. There you go.

...

Dottie: What's the deal, Frank?

Frank: The new me, Dottie. Just trying to help out, change my course, make amends.

Dottie: You in AA now?

Frank: Oh, God, no. But I like everything about AA. Except the "no alcohol" part.

Dottie: Thanks for fixing my toilet.

Frank: Sure I can't get you some pop?

Dottie: Frank, my heart muscles are decomposing as we speak.

Frank: You want to pump up my triglycerides?

Dottie: All right. All right. I could use some cool Ranch Doritos and some Zantac.

Frank: Like whiskey and a chaser, eh?

Karen: [To Lip] Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.

I'll Light a Candle For You Every Day [2.03]

[Fiona and Craig are making passionate love]

Fiona: I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.

Craig: My God, you're beautiful. I love you. Dead people poop themselves. [In Debbie's voice] Dead people poop themselves.

Fiona: What? [She wakes up with Debbie standing over her]

Debbie: Dead people poop themselves.

Fiona: Mm, Debs.

Debbie: Harry pooped himself after he died.

Fiona: Harry?

Debbie: Aunt Ginger's boyfriend.

Fiona: I'm going back to sleep.

Debbie: He was my first dead person.

Fiona: Finishing my nice dream now.

Debbie: There are 200 euphemisms for death.

Fiona: Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.

Fiona: [Answers phone] Can't a brother get some sleep here?

Debbie: Bit the dust. Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig. Basted the formaldehyde turkey.

Fiona: Um....

Debbie: Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date. Just add maggots.

Fiona: Mm....

Debbie: Retroactive abortion.

Craig: So Fiona Gallagher.

Fiona: Craig Heisner.

Craig: You look good.

Fiona: You too.

Craig: So, what've you been up to since graduation?

Fiona: I never graduated. My mom split my junior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.

Craig: Well, that sucks.

Fiona: It is what it is. What'd you do after graduation?

Craig: Went into business with my dad. Concrete.

Fiona: Well, that's good.

Craig: Yeah, ha. I was surprised to hear from you.

Fiona: I didn't think you'd remember me.

Craig: How could I not? You had the best ass in class. Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts running track during our football practices. Did you know I had a crush on you?

Fiona: Back then or now?

Craig: Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.

Fiona: So how come you never jumped me?

Craig: I was afraid you might reject me.

Fiona: No, no.

Craig: You never jumped me.

Fiona: You were a senior, I was a sophomore. And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you. Now you tell me. Besides, you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?

Craig: Yeah. You mean my wife?

Fiona: Oh, shit, sorry.

Craig: It's cool.

Fiona: Still together?

Craig: We had a few breakups, but we've been together since we were 15. What about you?

Fiona: We haven't been together since we were 15.

Craig: There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?

Fiona: No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.

Craig: We would've been good together too.

Fiona: Probably, yeah. Would've been great.

Craig: Guess we'll never find out now.

Fiona: Guess not.

Chicago El man: My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

Fiona: What?

Chicago El man: Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.

Fiona: Oh. Okay. Thanks.

...

Fiona: I thought it was a joke.

Carl: Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica: My steak is too rare.

Fiona: Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]

Lip: What was the final tally in the purse?

Fiona: Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.

Ian: Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?

Lip: Um.... Kim Furtado.

Veronica: Some rich bitch.

Ian: In our neighborhood?

Fiona: I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.

Carl: That guy from your diary?

Fiona: Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.

Veronica: You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?

Lip: It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.

Fiona: Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.

Debbie: In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.

Ethel: I can't wait to die.

Debbie: Why?

Ethel: To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.

Debbie: Oh.

Lip: Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?

Fiona: Ride the L more often?

Lip: Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]

Frank: Those DVDs you wanted. They were 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it. It's on me. Terms Of Endearment. Misery. And Beaches starring that guy Bette Midler. One more thing.

Dottie: What the hell's that?

Frank: An engagement ring.

Dottie: It's a little small, don't you think?

Frank: They were out of big ones.

Dottie: Who's it for?

Frank: You.

Dottie: You're not serious?

Frank: Serious as a heart attack. Sorry, that was in poor taste.

Dottie: You wanna marry me?

Frank: Sure.

Dottie: I could get my new heart any time now. Live a long life.

Frank: Well, then, let's live it together.

Dottie: Not sure I wanna get stuck looking at your mug.

Frank: I'll wear a bag over my head.

[They laugh]

Dottie: Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher. [Has a coughing fit] Who am I kidding, I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.

Frank: Don't you wanna die knowing someone loved you?

Dottie: You don't love me.

Frank: You're kinda growing on me.

[Frank walks into Sheila's house with Jody upturning the couch cushions]

Frank: What are you doing?

Jody: Lost Karen's ring.

Frank: Oh, man, that sucks.

Jody: I used all my savings to buy it.

Frank: [Starts walking up stairs] When I lose something, I like to say a prayer. Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Jody: Okay, you seen Karen?

Frank: I don't have a prayer for that.

[Lip and Karen are making love in the top bunk in the boy's bedroom]

Karen: I have something to tell you.

Lip: What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?

Karen: You already are.

Lip: Oh, shit, sorry.

Karen: That's okay. I like it.

Lip: So, what'd you wanna tell me?

Karen: We can't have sex anymore.

Lip: What?

Karen: I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.

Lip: Is that a good thing?

Karen: It's a great thing.

Fiona: Hi.

Purse owner: Hey. What's up?

Fiona: I feel bad somebody swiped money. [Produces cash wad from purse]

Purse owner: Yeah?

Fiona: Yeah, I thought...

Purse owner: Oh, please, like I don't know you took it!

Fiona: What?! No.

Purse owner: Come on, you stole my goddamn money! Admit it!

Fiona: I did not!

Purse owner: Of course you did! You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl!

Fiona: Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?!

Purse owner: Which you fucking swiped!

Fiona: Which you were stupid enough to leave on the El!

Purse owner: Bitch!

Fiona: Oh, you're the bitch! Okay?! I came here to be nice, but forget it now! [She starts walking away]

Purse owner: Fuck you!

Fiona: Oh, eat me!

Purse owner: Whore!

Fiona: Slut!

Purse owner: Asshole!

Fiona: Cunt!

Purse owner: Off to steal another fucking purse?!

Fiona: Finders keepers, losers weepers!

Purse owner: Fuck you!

Fiona: Fuck!

Debbie: You okay, Daddy?

Frank: Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.

Debbie: I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

A Beautiful Mess [2.04]

Frank: Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.

Kev: You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Frank: [Walks over to Dan at a table missing his right arm] Dan, my man.

Dan: Ha. Very funny, asshole.

Frank: Come on. I'm just messing with you. Look at us, we look like a couple of pirates.

Ian: Can't believe you're cock-blocking Karen.

Lip: She has no cock. How am I blocking it?

Ian: Let her go, man.

Lip: What do you want? Huh? You wanna marry her? Be with her forever? I'm looking out for her. She's my best friend.

Ian: I'm your best friend. She's your fuck buddy.

Lip: You're my brother who should shut the fuck up.

Ian: Friends want what's best for each other.

Lip: This could be the best thing for Karen.

Ian: You know what's best for everyone?

Lip: The kid who wants to die for a country that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?

Ian: A shrink said I'm one of God's mistakes.

Lip: The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm. She put my dick in her mouth.

Ian: What?

Lip: You need to shut the fuck up.

Ian: So what? You get her to dump the guy, stick around for when Carl gets his first woody, so she can work him too? [Lip roughly forces Ian aside and walks out the room]

Carl: I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

Lip: What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?

Frank: Why you got to be such an asshole?

Lip: Apple fell where you dropped it.

Little Hank: Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra?

Holly: I don't wear a bra, runt.

Sheila: [Sheila and Frank are ready to go out] Frank, you are always like that after sex. Seriously, you're like a little steam engine. Now come on, you're already late for work. Let's go. Come on. Come on. [A plane wheel crashes down and narrowly misses her, Sheila immediately reverts back to her agoraphobia and goes back into the house]

Frank: [Kneels down and clasps both hands in reverential gratitude to the higher power] Thank you. Thank you.

Father's Day [2.05]

Jody: Karen, your dad is dead.

Karen: Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Frank: [To Lip] That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless-- everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making guided missiles. Won't be long before the whole country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers. Son... it's time we had the talk.

Lip: Little late for that, huh?

Frank: Different talk. She gonna keep it?

Lip: Looks like it.

Frank: Big responsibility, being a parent.

Lip: Is that right?

Frank: That's what I'm trying to tell you. My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.

Lip: You mean, fend for themselves?

Frank: You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime. I raise fishermen. The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Ethel: Jonah and I are off to the playground.

Veronica: Anybody offers you candy, that's code for crack. Apple jacks, crunch 'n munch, hotcakes, jellybeans, fries, caviar, crackers, dip-- all crack. Say, "no, thank you."

Ethel: Got it. I'll go tell Malik.

Veronica: Malik?

Ethel: We're having a play date.

Veronica: Sounds more like a date date. I know what goes on in the playground besides hopscotch and middle-aged men jacking off. That kid's a player.

Ethel: He's the best player! He showed me an old basketball game on TV last night, and I learned so much. Did you know that Chinese people can grow to be seven feet tall?

Veronica: Last night? He skipped the game?

Malik: Hey, ready to bounce, E? Hey, Ms. V.

Veronica: You don't skip out on your team unless you're lying in a hospital bed with an iv drip and a bullet in your spine.

Malik: The game last night? We didn't have no game.

Veronica: Kev said there was a game.

Malik: Nah, you got it twisted. Next game's tomorrow. Hey, let's get ghost.

Veronica: Okay.

Malik: Later, Miss V.

Frank: On the house? I'm in mourning.

Kevin: Freebies for family only, Frank.

Frank: Then start the mother of all tabs. Once Eddie's life insurance money kicks in, moderation's gonna be a thing of the past.

Kevin: Moderation?

Bar patron 1: How much you talking about?

Frank: City life. Got to be 50k at least. A toast, to Eddie Jackson. Who had the foresight to take care of those he loved.

Kevin: I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Frank. You're not the only one interested in Eddie's life insurance. Police are asking a lot of questions. [Motions head to two police officers questioning patrons in the bar]

Frank: So?

Kevin: Eddie was weighed down with a cement block.

Frank: So?

Kevin: So, everyone here heard Eddie threaten to kill you.

Frank: Threaten me, not the other way around. Murder's not my bag. I don't have the constitution. Blood makes me queasy.

Bar patron 2: And I didn't plant that pipe bomb down at the mosque, but it was on my route, so the pigs got a warrant. Never would have found the videos otherwise. I served 18 goddamn months. If Curtis didn't want his wife filmed naked, he shouldn't have left the blinds open when he took her out of her wheelchair to change her diaper.

Bar patron 1: You got any skeletons, Frank?

Frank: None that come to mind.

Kevin: Identity theft.

Frank: Simple misunderstanding.

Kevin: Endangering the welfare of a child, human trafficking, drug running, medicaid fraud, disability fraud, mail fraud...

Bar patron 1: The longer they look, the more they'll find.

Fiona: What are you doing wearing my top?

Debbie: Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

Fiona: Pheromones?

Debbie: It's the thing boys like about you.

Fiona: You mean tits? Think you might be a year or two off.

Debbie: What does Holly Herkimer have that I don't?

Fiona: Besides HPV?

Debbie: You get to dress up.

Fiona: It's going back, tomorrow.

Fiona: Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

Can I Have a Mother [2.06]

Peg: [Holds up a jar] What's that? What's it look like?

Carl: A finger.

Peg: Yeah. [Holds up a gun] You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're gonna shoot someone. You like secrets? So do I. Hold out your hands. [Gives Carl the gun] Our little secret, all right?

...

Sheila: There are important decisions to be made. This money comes with responsibility Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika? Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.

Frank: As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--

Sheila: Frank.

Frank: What?

Sheila: I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart. You're an alcoholic.

Frank: I wasn't talking about me.

Sheila: Okay.

Frank: Did you think I meant me?

Sheila: No. We need a highly experienced professional.

Frank:Yeah, that's right. And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated. Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff... they all kept a bottle close.

Karen: Mom?

Frank: Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kevin: Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica: Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin: Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica: What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

[Sheila tinkles her glass]

Sheila: Quiet, please.

Jody: Quiet, everyone.

Sheila: I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody: That's right, Mom.

Man 1: Hear, hear.

Sheila: Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

[Karen mouths to Lip] What the fuck are you doing?

Sheila: People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Peggy: Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Man 2 & woman: Oh.

Sheila: And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

[Whole party guests murmur]

Karen: Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Peggy: Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila: Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

Peggy: No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen: Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila: She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona: Frank.

Frank: Let them work it out.

Sheila: And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Peggy: Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila:You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

Peggy: I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin: Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila: Do it! Do it!

[Jimmy rushes forward and diverts Peggy's gun hand upwards and discharging into a smoke detector]

Partygoer: Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.

Peg: Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

Fiona: [To Frank, regarding Peg] It's tough, huh? My parents suck too.

Debbie: Are you looking for the Sunshine Adult Daycare? It's up at the church.

Peg: Honey, only time I wanna go to the church is if I feel like getting molested.

[Fiona and Adam are seated for lunch outside at an exclusive country club]

Adam: Now, he said 1:00?

Fiona: Well, he's not very good with time.

Adam: And what did you say he does?

Fiona: He's in automotive sales. [Steve and Estefania arrive] Oh, here they are. Hey. Steve, this is Adam. Adam, Steve.

Adam: Hey. Estefania, Fiona, Adam. [Estefania speaks Portuguese]

Steve: Estefania doesn't really speak English.

Adam: Oh, that's okay, I spent a semester in Madrid. [Speaks Spanish]

Steve: Adam. Ah, Portuguese. From Brazil.

Fiona: Oh, how exotic.

Steve: Well, aren't we all modern? [Chuckles] Well, you look very master of the universe, Adam.

Adam: How does one afford a suit like that?

Steve: Wait for Barneys to have a sale.

Fiona: Actually, Adam's an investment banker.

Steve: Well, it's nice to put a face to all that bailout money. [They laugh]

Adam: How do you pay for your shirt?

Steve: This is from the Gap. I'm in pharmaceuticals.

Adam: Oh, yeah? Fiona said cars. You're married?

Steve: Uh...

Estefania: [Speaks Portuguese]

Fiona: [Noticing ring on Estefania's finger] You two are married?

Steve: Two weeks.

Estefania: Ah, sí, newlyweds.

Adam: That's excellent. [Estefania chitters]

Fiona: Wow. Congratulations.

Fiona: [Fiona gets up from table] Excuse me, uh, I'll be right back. [Kisses Adam and goes inside]

Adam: Mm.

Estefania: Passionate.

Adam: Yeah.

...

[Steve is waiting for Fiona in the women's washrooom and she comes out of a stall]

Fiona: Boys‘ room is next door.

Steve: I was helping out a Brazilian friend... with a small business in Sao Paulo.

Fiona: You're married?

Steve: Her father, a competitor, didn't appreciate our entry into a crowded market.

Fiona: Smuggling cars?

Steve: The product isn't important. He cut my friend's ear off.

Fiona: You were smuggling drugs?

Steve: So I chose to help his daughter enter the States.

Fiona: By marrying her?!

Steve: Dad's very old-fashioned. She was banging one of his top lieutenants, and he wanted her out.

Fiona: You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?

Steve: Wasn't sure he was gonna stop at the ear.

Fiona: Who'd you tell her I was?

Steve: All I gotta do is wait until Immigration...

Fiona: Who does she think I am?

Steve: My cousin. I missed you.

Fiona: [Steve starts kissing her] Mm. You're married.

Steve: Only legally.

...

Adam: [Estefania tells story in Portuguese mimicking a dice throwing gesture] I'm just gonna nod because I have no idea what you're saying.

Estefania: Ah?

Fiona: [Shows up] Sorry, I had to, uh, call to check on the kids. Did we get drinks?

Adam: In front of you.

Fiona: Oh. Oh. Oh, my, sorry. Okay.

Steve: [Shows up] Oh, great. What a coincidence. I ran into a guy I went to high school with. Did we get drinks?

Adam: [Perusing menu] You gotta be kidding me.

Fiona: Cobb salad's $22.

Adam: [Gets up and starts to leave] Bye.

Fiona: You're leaving?!

Steve: What are we talking about?!

Adam: You should probably just shut the fuck up. Have a nice life, Fiona. [Walks away]

Fiona: Adam! Adam! [Gets up taking after Adam]

Steve: What? Shit. [Estefania speaks] No medication.

Fiona: [Comes up to Adam at a doorway] I'm sorry. It's complicated.

Adam: No, really, it's not. Look, I like you, but maybe we should've had some rules. One of my unspoken rules is you don't fuck somebody else on a date. I guess I thought that was just assumed.

A Bottle of Jean Nate [2.07]

[Jasmine is on top of Fiona sleeping licking her ear]

Fiona: Mm. Babe, stop. Come on. You know I hate that. I'm gonna stick my thumb in your butt if you don't stop.

Jasmine: Mm, now we're talking. Mm. Morning, sunshine.

Fiona: Who let you in?

Jasmine: Carl.

Fiona: We don't let people in the house before I wake up!

Jasmine: Which guy doesn't like a ﬁnger up the butt?

Fiona: What are you doing here?

Jasmine: I came to invite you out on David's boat today.

Fiona: I thought you weren't allowed. Isn't it the wife's?

Jasmine: Yeah, but they're dropping one of the brats off at college.

Kevin: What do you make of these?

Kermit: Three of the most boring states of our country.

Kevin: My foster daughter's been sending these. I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.

Kermit: "Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethel."

Kevin: What does it mean?

Kermit: If I had to guess... she's having a nice time in Kansas. -

Tommy: Or she's being held at gunpoint... forced to write that.

Kevin: Like I'm not worried enough.

Tommy: Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested. See if there's other fingerprints.

Kermit: That's not gonna prove anything. You know how many people have touched this postcard?

Tommy: Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat. Or semen. That'll tell a lot.

Kermit: Could be right. Many foster kids become prostitutes.

Kevin: Jesus. Give me those. There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute. Social Services is on it.

Tommy: Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?

Stan: [Appears wearing nothing but a jockstrap] I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay? [Chuckles]

Kevin: Stan, what the fuck are you doing?!

Tommy: Holy shit. Look at the hog on Stan.

Stan: Baseball game, what do you think?

Kermit: I've heard rumors about that thing.

Kevin: Go to your apartment.

Stan: Get your hands off me, knucklehead. You're gonna make me late.

Kevin: You don't have a baseball game.

Stan: Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field. I saw it today on my calendar.

Kevin: Your calendar from 1984? Come on, let's go upstairs.

Stan: Who's gonna play first base?

Kevin: You know, I just got a call. They canceled the game.

Stan: Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it. Damn it.

Officer Rodriguez: You wanted to speak with me?

Frank: Yes, Officer Rodriguez, I think we may have a problem.

Officer Rodriguez: What kind of problem?

Frank: Well, uh, I'm not one to be a rat... but you might have released an inmate in error.

Officer Rodriguez: And who might that be?

Frank: Peggy Gallagher.

Officer Rodriguez: You mean Body Bag? That's her prison nickname. She was released on medical furlough.

Frank: That's just the thing. She's not sick. She's faking it.

Officer Rodriguez: Are you her doctor?

Frank: No, but I saw her in a kickboxing class today.

Officer Rodriguez: A 78-year-old woman?

Frank: I'm trying to do my part to preserve the integrity of our penal system.

Officer Rodriguez: She's old. She can barely walk. What threat could she possibly be to society?

[Fiona, Veronica, and Kevin are in a jacuzzi at a yacht party]

Kevin: [Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!

Jasmine: Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]

Steve: [Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.

Kevin: What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!

Steve: Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]

Kevin: [Laughs] I miss you, man!

Steve: Sure that's not the drugs talking?!

Kevin: It might be! [Laughs]

Steve: You remember Kev and the gang, right?

Estefania: [Greets in Portuguese] Hola!

Jasmine: [Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]

Kevin: What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!

Steve: All right.

Kevin: [Veronica splashes him] What?!

[Steve stands on jacuzzi edge and takes off shorts to reveal wearing a speedo]

Fiona: Oh.... [Laughs]

Veronica: Ooh!

Steve: What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.

Kevin: Ah....

Steve: [Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.

Kevin: I like your bathing suit.

Steve: Thank you.

Peg: I know what's going on here. Saw it with my own boys. [Ian coughs] One of the lions has to leave the den. Strongest one's gotta push the other one out or eat him. Only one way to resolve this. Somebody's gotta bleed. Fight it out. See who's alpha wolf.

Ian: I'll kick your ass.

Lip: Won't last two minutes.

Peg: No knives, no guns, no bricks. Just fists.

Lip: Tomorrow?

Ian: Labor Day. I work till five.

Lip: Six, then. Under the 'L'.

Parenthood [2.08]

[Sheila wakes up in her bedroom with Frank at the foot of the bed drinking]

Sheila: Frank?

Frank: My mother has cancer.

Sheila: The bad kind?

Frank: As opposed to? I'm gonna be an orphan.

Sheila: Well... things worked out for Oliver Twist. And Annie.

Frank: She found a way to abandon me one last time.

Sheila: The sun'll come out, just like the song says.

Frank: God, do you know how many years I've prayed for this moment? I'll be free.

Sheila: Well, this might not be nice to say, but if anyone deserves cancer, it's your mother.

Debbie: Where's Grammy?

Fiona: Frank took her to Sheila's late last night. She was having trouble breathing.

Ian: The chemicals from the fire were aggravating her emphysema.

Debbie: Will the chemicals give us emphysema?

Ian: Probably, but we won't know for 50 years.

Frank: [After catching Ian and Mickey together] Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended.

Fiona: [To Steve] Figure out that chick sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring and then we'll talk.

Carl: I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

[Lip and Karen are smoking in a school washroom with Karen sitting on a window ledge]

Karen: Thought you dropped out.

Lip: Uh, made a deal with Fiona. She'll blow her end, and I'll be back home chilling in a week.

Karen: I'm gonna give the baby up for adoption. Sometimes I wonder if getting high makes it easier for me to keep up with you or more difficult. I thought I was in love with Jody; I'm not. I thought it would be cool to have a baby and love it, but no, I suck at it. I thought about aborting it, but I'm this far along, and even though I don't want it, other people probably do. So I figure why not suck it up a few more months, vag it out and sell it?

Lip: "Vag it out"?

Karen: Well, the truth hurts, but it's still the truth.

Lip: Well, you know, if you are gonna let the baby live, maybe you should stop smoking weed.

Karen: Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?

Lip: Uh, shrooms, mostly.

Karen: Well, you want to go to some adoption agencies with me later? I need someone to play the dad, sign the paperwork. You could help me pick out a good buyer.

Lip: [Mr. Healey shows up] Oh! Mr. Healey, how goes it?

Karen: [Slides off window ledge] Later. [She leaves]

Mr. Healey: For goodness sake. [Takes cigarette out of Lip's mouth and soaks it in a sink] What the hell is this schedule you signed up for? Woodworking? Auto Repair? Welding?

Lip: Hey, I'm just trying to learn the skills that can make me a productive member of the working class, Mr. H. You as my guidance counselor should appreciate that.

Mr. Healey: You have any idea what it's like to be a guidance counselor in this shit hole? I get one National Merit Scholar every nine years. So there's not a chance that you're not going to live up to your goddamn potential.

Lip: Feeling very "O Captain! My Captain!" are we?

Mr. Healey: I had a teacher who took a special interest in me when I was about your age.

Lip: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He use a condom or...?

Mr. Healey: It was a woman, smart-ass. And she showed me the way out, changed my life.

Lip: Yet you still ended up in this job?

Mr. Healey: I had 22 years in the Coast Guard before I got here. And I retired a lieutenant commander.

Lip: Wow.

Mr. Healey: So you're gonna take Physics, Probability and Statistics, Advanced Chemistry. And you're gonna take the ACT, and you're gonna get into either Yale or Harvard or MIT on a full academic ride. Give me your hand.

Lip: At what point in your career did you realize that your name, Dick, had become a euphemism for cock?

Mr. Healey: Watch your mouth. The ice you're standing on is cracking all around you, Phillip. And I won't stand around and watch you drown. [School bell rings] Get to class.

[Frank is smoking drugs with a homeless man watching Steve and Debbie coaching Carl's junior gridiron football with Estefania on the phone]

Frank: Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having sex once. That'll teach you not to play hooky. My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars. She was on top, riding him. He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory. She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

Debbie: Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Steve: Don't you tell her everything for me?

Debbie: Family first. Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember. Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

Steve: You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

Estefania: [In Portuguese] He's said he's coaching football but no one is using their feet.

Carl: Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Steve: Soon. Take a knee. All right, boys. Football is all about who wants it more. When you tackle, aim low, hit hard! Who thinks they're man enough to take me down? Huh?

Debbie: You don't have pads on.

Steve: We're just... we're doing a walk-through. Okay? [Carl tackles Steve to the ground] Clean hit. I like it. [All boys laugh]

Frank: Oh... [sighs] I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.

Homeless man: Yeah. I love long hair.

Frank: No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No titties, all ass. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.

Homeless man: I- I think that's a dude.

Jody: I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.

Ian: We've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Mickey: What fucking world you live in?

Ian: You don't... I don't want you to...

Mickey: What do you think? We're boyfriend and girlfriend here? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Fiona: My job is to keep this house going. Working eight jobs, making meals, keeping everything straight! Your job is school. School or leave!

Hurricane Monica [2.09]

Sheila: Sometimes when I see the word "hospice" on the screen, I pronounce it "ho-spice" in my head.

Ian: [To Frank] You haven't even claimed your mom's body from the morgue and you wanna tell me how to treat mine?

Ian: Hey! Some of us want to graduate and do something with our lives. So how about you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?

Steve: Now I'm off to lead tiny testosterone animals to victory. Gonna warm em up and give 'em my best Friday Night Lights speech about hearts, eyes, or some shit.

A Great Cause [2.10]

Kev: Circle doesn't start with an "S"? What the fuck?

Kev: Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Lip, now you? Instead of passing out rubbers at schools they should be passing them out at your house.

Veronica: You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.

Kev: Fucked up foster kids like me?

Veronica: Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Mandy: [To Ian] Wipe off that fucking look on your face. A Gallagher looking down at me, I don't think so.

Father Pete: [Wheels in paralytic man] Sheila, Ruben.

Sheila: Oh...

Father Pete: Got shot by his pimp, infection in his spine.

Sheila: Ooh. Oh. Hi. Oh.

Father Pete: He can't hear you. Deaf since birth. That's why he started sucking a crack pipe. I'm proud to say young Ruben's come to see the Lord... does not accept excuses in exchange for first-class transportation upstairs. Heh. Been clean a year now.

Sheila: Father, just a moment please?

Father Pete: Of course. He came to us three years ago during one of our... winter nights for the homeless.

Sheila: Yeah.

Father Pete: Hung on a lot longer than any of us expected. Saints be praised.

Sheila: No, that wasn't-

Father Pete: We just can't afford to keep him. State cutbacks. You'll receive $50 a clay for food and whatever else he needs... but let's just say I'm not going to be making any surprise visits. Heh, heh.

Sheila: Father, I've... I've done a terrible thing. I don't recognize myself anymore. When I look in the mirror, it's like another person is staring back at me... and I'm just- I'm lost.

Father Pete: Your purpose in life was to build a happy family, and you achieved that. And now, your husband's passed and your daughter's ready to fly the nest. But you're still needed. This is your purpose now.

Sheila: Hi, Ruben! I'm Sheila! Okay. Great. Yeah, this will be great. Hey, sweetheart, is everything okay?

...

Sheila: Anthony Bourdain? Sanjay Gupta? Nancy Grace. There's gotta be a missing white girl somewhere. Aw, Ruben, I'm trying. No? You don't want TV, you don't eat. Do you have a wish? Before you go? Anything I can get you? Yeah? Oh. Oh, I don't- I'm not sure what you mean. Oh.

Jody: [Comes in with groceries] Milk. Eggs.

Sheila: Aw...

Jody: Hey, bro. He can't hear you.

Sheila: Is it getting cold out there?

Jody: I could use a shower.

Sheila: That's not a good idea.

Jody: [Ruben starts signing to Jody] Hey, I- uh... Okay, I'll tell her. I spent the past few months learning baby sign language. He says he hates créme brulée. It gives him the runs.

Sheila: Oh. I noticed that. Is there anything he does like? What do you wanna eat?

Jody: Know how to make cake? Strawberry shortcake.

Sheila: Strawberry shortcake?

Jody: No, he says, "Fuck that. " Vanilla cake with a shitload of Grand Marnier. Hey, you need to watch your language, bro. Uh, there's one more thing before he kicks it. Uh... Want to fuck. Hey! Out of line, bro. That's a lady right there.

Sheila: What'd he say?

Jody: He's sorry. He'll settle for something else.

Sheila: Oh...

Steve: Whoa, you know Portuguese?

Lip: Yeah, it's like Italian. She says if you don't find Marco alive, she's gonna call her father. Hope you're not wed to your eyes or your tongue. Or your dick.

Lip: [To Fiona] So you know Monica spent all the squirrel-fund money? I wouldn't have even had the cash to bail her out... if I didn't return a bunch of dolls I found in Debbie's room. The first rule you learn in this house, you hide the goddamn money.

Fiona: She seemed better.

Lip: Look at this place. The sofa is in the kitchen. For fuck's sake, she tried to get Ian to enlist.

Fiona: She what?!

Lip: What did you think was gonna happen, Fiona?!

Fiona: Thought it might be different this time.

Lip: Well, how'd that Kool-Aid taste going down?!

Fiona: Where is she?! [Goes to bedroom to find Monica on bed totally paralyzed from guilt] You could've gotten Carl killed! You tried to get Ian into the Army?! You promised me! [Pulls off bed sheets] Get out of bed! Get out of bed, Mom!

...

Marco: [In a cargo crate in a shipping terminal] Get me out of here! Please! Help! Help!

Just Like The Pilgrims Intended [2.11]

Karen: Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!

Jody: You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Debbie: I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.

Carl: Means you're gonna get your period soon.

Debbie: It does?

Carl: Don't wear white for a while.

Steve: Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.

Lip: Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.

Steve: I really am trustworthy, though.

Lip: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do something bold to prove it.

Lip: Holy shit... they're still fucking?

Steve: Sometimes it's fighting. Can't really tell the difference.

Carl: [Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila: I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie: What's wrong with him?

Fiona: He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Lip: Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev: Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Lip: What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen: I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Fiona Interrupted [2.12]

Fiona: [about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.

Veronica: Isn't that his choice?

Fiona: Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Steve: You're going to be disappointed.

Fiona: Wouldn't be the first time somebody's disappointed me.