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Shameless (American TV series)/Season 3

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

El Gran Canon [3.01] edit

Fiona: Frank is like scabies; you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try.

The American Dream [3.02] edit

Fiona: [Gasps] Shit!
Steve: What's the matter?
Fiona: $1,000.
Steve: Mm, back to sleep.
Fiona: I can't breathe.
Steve: Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.
Fiona: I gotta pay the property tax.
Steve: All right, come here, come here, come here.
Fiona: Stop poking me with that thing.
Steve: Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.
Fiona: What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]
Steve: [Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?
Fiona: I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.
Steve: You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.
Fiona: Are you taking a dump right now?
Steve: Like clockwork, every morning.
Fiona: Jesus.
Steve: What, I can't take a dump in here?
Fiona: [Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.
Steve: You were in the shower.
Fiona: Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.
Steve: I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.
Fiona: [Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?
Lip: Frank drunk looking for a bed!
Fiona: Who the hell let him in?
Lip: Debbie! We begged her not to. He's not hot-bunking my bed.
Carl: Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.
Frank: I want my old bed back.
Fiona: Oh, hell, no!
Debbie: Up. Step, step.
Fiona: Morning, Frank.
Frank: This is my house!
Debbie: It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.
Lip: Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning. Frank smells like dog piss.
Frank: Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.
Debbie: Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.
Carl: Hey, that's my tent.
Debbie: [Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.
Ian: Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.
Debbie: This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.
...
Debbie: Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.
Frank: Deb.
Debbie: Hmm?
Frank: Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]
[Steve walks Carl out the front door]
Carl: Seriously? You're walking me to the curb? What, did I go back in time and turn six?
Steve: Have a good day at school, Carl. Learn something useful. [Walks up to Beto's Cadillac Escalade]
Beto: [Singing along to Payphone] You like? [[w:Maroon 5|Maroon 5].
Steve: What the hell are you doing here?
Beto: Have you gotten a job yet?
Steve: No.
Beto: Nando told you to get a job.
Steve: Listen, I don't know what it's like in Brazil, But we're in a recession here.
Beto: Oh. Hmm. I'll keep my eye on you from now on, okay?
Steve: Excuse me?
Beto: Make sure you don't get into trouble. We are partners now. Wherever you go, I go. [Snickers] Like a married couple, huh?
[Lip is serving community service picking up trash]
Grizz: Why they got you doing this, man?
Lip: B&E, theft, and assault.
Grizz: [Scoffs] nice.
Lip: You?
Grizz: Hit a kid with a brick. Kinda broke his face.
Lip: Hey, how many hours you get for that?
Grizz: 50.
Lip: Shit, man, I got 120. Least there's always someone with some weed.
Grizz: Hey, got any weed?
Mickey: 10 bucks a joint. [Sells him one]
Grizz: See, what'd I tell you? [High-end vehicles pull up and clean-cut youths get out holding potted flowers] What's up with the geek squad? Is that the fucking cast of glee? Yeah. Looks like a bunch of do-gooders. More like a bunch of gonna get their ass kicked-ers.
Sheila: Mama's so tired. Don't you want to give your wee lungs a-- [Carries Hymie outside while taking out the trash and sets Hymie on trash can] Oh, god, that's so loud. [Carrie bucket inside mistaking it for Hymie's carrier] Everything's so loud. Maybe we can... have Jody rub your tummy. And Mama, she can take a little nap. [sighs] I don't remember Karen causing such a fuss as you, Hymie. Maybe it's from your Chinese side. Okay. [Lies on couch for nap]
Jody: Cool, you got hymie to quiet down?
Sheila: [Gets up and frantically out door] Hymie! No...! he's not trash! Whoa! Whoa! He's not trash! No, hymie! No! [Crying] Oh, hymie...! :Sheila: Oh, my god! Hymie. I'm so sorry!
Jody: It's okay, Sheila, he's fine.
Sheila: No, but he was almost swallowed up by the truck! Oh, my--I'm such a terrible mother.
Jody: No, you're just- you're just a tired mother.
Sheila: [Sobs] No, I-- I don't deserve to live.
Grizz: You ever shoot crack?
Lip: No.
Grizz: Ever eat mescaline-laced mushrooms?
Lip: Nope.
Grizz: Put a tequila-soaked tampon up your ass?
Lip: What? No, dude. I get it. I'm--I'm obviously not as cool as you.
Casper: [Planting flowers and starts walking over] Smells good.
Lip: Yeah, it's, um, primo stuff. 20 bucks a joint.
Casper: Can I buy five?
Lip: Yeah, sure thing.
Casper: I'm Casper.
Lip: Lip.
Grizz: Grizz.
Casper: You live around here?
Lip: About four blocks over.
Casper: [Takes a drag on join] Cool. [Coughs]
Lip: I guess. Where you from?
Casper: Uh, Lakeshore. I didn't choose it, I was just born there.
Lip: What are you doing slumming it down here?
Casper: [Chuckles and pinches up shirt] City youth. We're, uh, beautifying Chicago one block at a time.
Lip: Good luck with that. Those flowers, they're not gonna last about two hours.
Casper: Just looks good on my tufts application. Admissions people are into you helping out the poor and shit.
Lip: Oh, sorry. It's okay. I'm not offended. Hey, uh, you interested in beautifying any other parts of the neighborhood?
Casper: Anything to beef up my CV.
Lip: Think I may have something for you. See if I can work it out.
Casper: Dude, hit me up anytime. I'm on Facebook. Casper Duncan.
Lip: [Shakes Casper's hand] You got it, Casper Duncan.
Steve: Frank, what the hell? I got that roast chicken for dinner tonight!
Frank: My house, my kitchen, my fridge, my chicken. [Referring to his Shorts#Daisy Dukes] I cut these too short. My balls are hanging out.
Steve: Yeah. [Walks away]
Lip: [Walks up to Mandy at her locker and squeezes her rear] Nice ass.
Mandy: [Scoffs and shoves him] thought you were my history teacher Mr. Crouch. [They now walk down hall]
Lip: Well, sorry to disappoint.
Mandy: Hey, how was community service?
Lip: Yeah, good. I met some North Side kids. Think I can make some dough off of them.
Mandy: Cool.
Lip: Yeah, gotta do what I can with my sister stealing a bunch of our property tax money.
Mandy: Well, that was cunty of her. You know, you should be in charge of your family's money, Not Fiona.
Mrs. Mederios: Mr. Gallagher, just left Mr. Healey's office. Rumors about you two true? Said you were supposed to ask me for a recommendation.
Lip: Sure, in his mind, I was supposed to do that.
Mrs. Mederios: A letter of recommendation from a science teacher looks good on your college applications.
Lip: [Opens door to classroom] Bet it does. [Lip and Mandy go in classroom]
Mr. Healey: [Mandy knocks on door] Come in. [Mandy enters room] Oh, surprised to see you at the college counseling center, Miss Milkovich.
Mandy: Came to talk to you about Lip.
Mr. Healey: I'm not at liberty to discuss another student, but I'd be more than happy to help you with your future options.
Mandy: [Scoffs] please. You and I both know my only options are getting pregnant or getting arrested, so cut the crap.
Mr. Healey: Okay. Then Lip. He's got a good chance of getting out of here.
Mandy: And what are you doing about it?
Mr. Healey: Encouraging him to go to college. Doesn't seem to be too interested.
Mandy: You're a guidance counselor. Fucking guide him.
Mr. Healey: There's only so much I can do.
Mandy: What should he be doing?
Mr. Healey: Keeping his grades up. Getting teacher recommendations, finding himself a legitimate job, filling out his college applications. Now, you think you can help with any of that?
Mandy: Maybe.
Mr. Healey: All right, stop by at the end of the day, I'll post some college brochures, you can take them with you. I think you have a better chance of getting through to him than I did, Lysistrata.
Mandy: What?
Mr. Healey: Show up for English once in a while, And you'll get the reference.
Mandy: All right.
Lip: [Walks up to construction site foreman] Hey, uh, 'scuse me. What happened to all the meth heads squatting in here?
George: Who the hell are you?
Lip: Concerned neighborhood citizen.
George: Took me six months to get rid of 'em.
Lip: Yeah, I heard there were dead bodies in there too.
George: Yeah. Four, yeah. Coyotes got to 'em at one point. Gonna take me eight weeks to make it livable again.
Lip: Hey, how much you paying these guys?
George: Too much.
Lip: Might have a better deal for you.
Frank: I'll tell you this. For all of their laziness and lack of motivation, the Mexicans are a lovely people.
Tommy: Why'd you go down there, Frank? Hey, I'll take another, Kev.
Frank: Sometimes a man just has to get away, be alone with his thoughts.
Tommy: [Kevin slides bottle to Tommy and Frank intercepts it, uncaps and takes a sip with Tommy snatching it from Frank, wiping the bottle top on his shirt] Hey! Jesus. So what, you woke up from a drunken stupor, ddidn't know where you were?
Frank: I knew exactly where I was. Had a business opportunity With our south-of-the-border brothers. What did you do to your foot?
Kevin: It fell off. Was the only prosthetic I could afford.
Tommy: What kind of business opportunity?
Frank: I was hired to move some inventory.
Tommy: Drug mule?
Frank: Only the best the Mexicanos have ever seen.
Tommy: Not something you really want to be bragging about, Frank. Which end did it go in?
Frank: Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?
Tommy: Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, Frank.
Frank: Great. What say you let me sleep there?
Tommy: What say I don't.
Frank: Why the hell not?
Tommy: Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.
Frank: The layout of your home is very confusing.
Tommy: No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]
Frank: Fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.
Frank: Kermit! My best friend.
Kermit: You can't stay with me, Frank.
Frank: Wh--what if I suck your dick?
Kevin: Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.
Frank: Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.
Katy: Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?
Frank: Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.
Katy: [Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.
Kevin: Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]
Frank: Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from- not from- from... Her- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And God bless you.
Katy: [Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.
Fiona: Five, six, seven, eight... $900? That's all I have left?
Meg: That's not bad for your first gig.
Fiona: But that doesn't even cover my deposit. I lost $100 doing this night.
Meg: Surprised you didn't lose more. It took me, like, eight gigs before I saw a profit. You gotta pay your dues.
Fiona: [Arrives at house to meet Veronica on front steps] Hey. What's going on?
Veronica: Can I sleep here tonight?
Fiona: Sure. [Veronica goes in house]
Lip: How'd you do?
Fiona: It's gonna take a while till I start making money. Here. Almost all of it. I'll get the rest, I promise.
Lip: Ah, keep it.
Fiona What?
Lip: Well, if you're gonna gamble our money, you should hold onto it, right?
Fiona: [Scoffs] I was trying to better our situation, Lip.
Lip: Oh, congratulations. You risked everything, and you didn't even break even.
Fiona: It was my first time doing this.
Lip: That's not the point. You made a decision without consulting the rest of us.
Fiona: I'm in charge of this family.
Lip: Really? No, sorry, that's- that's news to me. [Mandy appears from front door and leans on porch railings] You see, Fiona, if we're gonna be every man for himself, this family is going under fast.
Fiona: Here, just take the money, okay? Pay the property tax. I'll get the rest tomorrow somehow.
Lip: No, I don't need it.
Fiona: What?
Lip: I took care of the situation myself.
Fiona: [Scoffs] How?
Lip: Told a bunch of North Side kids that Wilco was playing at your party. It's like I said. The only way to make money when you're poor is to steal it or scam it , like Don King or Joe Kennedy. But hey, um, let me know if the rules are changing, right, And you're gonna pull this shit again? Maybe I'll have to take over the family money, huh? [He goes in house with Mandy]

May I Trim Your Hedges? [3.03] edit

Veronica: [About Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.
Cheryl: [On Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?
Beto: [On Estefania] You married her before God, no?
Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.
Carl: Cancer? How did I get cancer?
Frank: You must have caught it from Grammy, son.
Frank: If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time with you in the basement, cooking meth.
Carl: Am I going to die?
Frank: I hope not. But right now we have to fight and fight hard. You ready to fight with me, Carl? [Starts buzzin Carl's hair]
Carl: Why do we have to shave it?
Frank: Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer? Cancer people are always bald.
Carl: Grammy wasn't bald.
Frank: Grammy hated life. She wanted to die, but you love life. And one of the most important ways you can fight the cancer is to let the sunrays in through your skull.
Lip: Why are you shaving Carl's head?
Frank: Lice.
Lip: Since when do you... parent?
Frank: Since you dropped the ball.
Frank: The vermin were literally jumping off his scalp.
Lip: Well, make sure you wash the sheets too, okay?
Frank: I look like a woman?
Carl: I have lice too?
Frank: Yes. Yes, you do.
Carl: Fiona's gonna freak out.
Frank: No, Fiona is not going to freak out, because Fiona is not going to know. You're a man now, Carl. The cancer makes you a man. And as a man, it's your job to keep secrets from the women who love you.
Carl: Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.
Frank: I'll get you a hat. I'll get you a hat.
[Frank is at the Make-A-Wish Foundation administrations office]
Frank: You said you catered to dying children.
Make-A-Wish Administrator: Sir, the Bulls only give us so many packages per season and it takes months.
Carl: [Frank puts hand on Carl's back] Ow! What the fuck, Frank?!
Frank: That's going on all day, every day! My son is suffering! Have you no soul?!
Make-A-Wish Administrator: If you fill out an application now, I can almost guarantee that for next year-
Frank: He doesn't have a year!
Make-A-Wish Administrator: [Hands Frank a brochure] There's a camp. All the spots are full, but there's a quadriplegic. He won't get much out of it. I can bump him for Carl.
Frank: Camp?! Like summer camp?!
Make-A-Wish Administrator: It's beautiful, on a lake, a wonderful place for children to feel normal one last time.
Frank: What the hell am I supposed to do with a trip to cancer camp?!
Carl: [Snatches brochure from Frank] I've never been to camp!
Ian: Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?
Mickey: Yeah, I fucked Angie.
Mickey: Everybody fucks Angie.
Mickey: You don't fuck Angie?
Ian: No.
Mickey: Huh.
Mickey: You want to fuck Angie? I can call her, get her down here.
Ian: No.
Lip: [Arrives in the kitchen and Mandy goes out the door] Smells good.
Fiona: What's with Mandy?
Lip: Ah, something she wanted to do. Where's Jimmy?
Fiona: No idea. What happened to your head, Carl?
Carl: Lice.
Fiona: Again?
Carl: Yeah, Frank shaved it. Yeah, and he got me into a summer camp.
Fiona: What? Why would he do that?
Carl: I don't know. But it's cool, right?
Fiona: Yeah, it's awesome, Carl. [Sighs]
Kevin: [Comes in back door and stares at Veronica with everyone staring silently] I'm gonna know my kid. I'm gonna know my kid, And you can't have a problem with that. Look, I... I don't care about Cheryl, V. I used to, but she's nothing but a memory to me now. And I'm sorry... [sighs] I didn't go see the notary. But I would never leave you, ever. You got to know that. After everything we've been through, You kind of just have to know that. [Veronica and Fiona break out in tears]
Carl: Whoa. You just snotted the whole table. [Veronica laughs]
Cheryl: [Comes in front door] Kev? Kev. What?! What the fuck?! Are they laughing at me?!
Kevin: No.
Fiona: Yes.
Kevin: Fiona!
Cheryl: Fuck you!
Fiona: Excuse you?!
Kevin: Cheryl, listen-
Cheryl: No, I'm done listening. Kyle, go pack our shit, now.
Kevin: Cheryl, would you just listen to me? You could've had this, and you want that?
Cheryl: She's some kind of nympho, has three drawers full of dildos.
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?
Kevin: Cheryl, would you just listen?
Cheryl: You're just as thick as the day I met you.
Kevin: Cheryl, I get that you're mad, but I want to be a father to Kyle. Now, I'm gonna get you a place nearby.
Cheryl: He's not yours, Kev. He isn't even mine. He's my sister's, you stupid piece of shit!
Veronica: What did she say?! What did she say?! [Lunges at Cheryl ramming her back at shelves above laundry machine]
Cheryl: What the fuck, bitch?!
Fiona: Get her, V!
Veronica: I'll fuck you up!
Lip: Well, should we stop 'em, or-?
Kevin: What, you want to lose an eye?!
Veronica: [Cheryl screams] You're a crazy bitch!
Fiona: Kill her, V!
Veronica: [Cheryl screams] Crazy bitch, you come into my house and make up some shit like that?!
Cheryl: Get your hands off me, you dirty bitch! [Veronica bites her arm and Cheryl screams, bashing her head with a cereal box and spraying cereal] Get her off me! [Veronica and Cheryl maneuver into family room]
Lip: [Darts forward] Shit, the TV!
Fiona: No! Not the TV!
Veronica: Get the divorce papers, Kev. This bitch is about to sign.
Cheryl: I ain't signing shit!
Lip: [Herds them to couch] This way, this way.
Veronica: [Veronica maneuvers Cheryl to couch and gets on top of her] If you want to walk away with four limbs, bitch, you're gonna sign. Kev, the papers!
Cheryl: Fuck you!
Veronica: You're signing! [Cheryl screams]
Kyle: Get the papers! [Kevin walks forwards and produces papers]
Cheryl: Aah!
Veronica: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [Cheryl screams] Sign it!
Kevin: [Cheryl signs papers as incoherently as possible while on couch] You could initial that. [Cheryl grunts and pants]
...
[Cheryl loads her vehicle with luggage and gets in]
Veronica: Uh-uh, not one word. Just drive away. [Cheryl passionately gives the finger and roars away]
Fiona: Get the fuck out of here!
Lip: Whoo!
Kevin: [Kisses Veronica's head] Bitch, you so crazy.
Veronica: Hell, yeah! [They all cheer and embrace in group hug] Hell, yeah!
Debbie: You're still here.
Kyle: You think I'm getting in a car with that psycho? Hey, uh, can I borrow your phone? I need to call my mom- my other mom.
Debbie: Sure. You want to eat dinner first?
Kyle: Sure.
Debbie: Cool.
Mandy: [Knocks at Blake's front door and she appears] You Blake?
Blake: [Shakily] Yes.
Mandy: You're moving now, Blake. You're moving tonight.
Blake: Excuse me?
Mandy: I don't excuse you, you sick bitch. I don't excuse you 'cause you're hot or 'cause you're blonde or 'cause Of what you've got between your legs. Come take a look. [Mandy leads Blake to two men digging a rectangular hole] You see that? They're digging your grave. And you want to be gone before they get down to six feet. How's it going, boys?
Men: Good. We dug the Berlanti grave in what, two hours? But this dirt is nice and soft, going a lot faster.
Mandy: Ticktock. Kid fucker.

The Helpful Gallaghers [3.04] edit

Frank: [Holding Debbie underwater in bathroom tub to practice for swimming] Stay down. Stay down! Stay. Stay.
Debbie: How long was that?
Frank: Not long enough. You need at least 90 seconds. City pools are filled with city kids, and by "city kids" I mean black kids who swim. Little stereotype-breakers, like those two kids that ripped your bathing suit last year.
Debbie: They were turning it into a bikini.
Frank: If they'll do that when you're just running through the sprinklers at your own house, think what they'll do when they have a large body of water at their disposal. Savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass. Times have changed. Yeah, that's what they said when they were holding me underwater repeatedly in the summer of '67, the so-called summer of love. Not at the Sullivan street pool, it wasn't. It was the summer of drowning whitey. And until you can hold your breath longer than they can hold their breath, you're not going to Sullivan Street.
[Kevin and Veronica are making love]
Kevin: Oh, my god, you are so unbelievably tasty right now.
Veronica: [Giggles] Don't wait for me.
Kevin: What, are you charging by the minute, madam v?
Veronica: Yes.
Kevin: Well, thank you for watching my wallet, you dirty little whore.
Veronica: I am a dirty little whore. Put me on my back, would you, please?
Kevin: Oh, hello. Oh, you've been working on your kegels. Oh. Oh, you're flexing it. Oh, you're flexing, Oh, you're flexing that. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Veronica: Roll over, hulk hogans.
Kevin: You want me to finish you off?
Veronica: I'm good, hon. We got to save your sperm for baby-making.
Kevin: This was a baby-making session?
Veronica: Hoping so.
Kevin: You cool?
Veronica: Yeah.
Kevin: Yeah, it just- I just wish you had given me a heads-up before I went with the whole whore thing. You know, I don't want our kid's first impression of you to be that you're a whore.
Veronica: It was making you hot. Hot is good. We got to help your spermies rocket to my egg.
Kevin: Well, just don't be upside-down too long. My sperm get dizzy.
Frank: Shh, shh, shh. You all packed?
Carl: I need a sleeping bag.
Frank: Just staple some sheets together.
Carl: This camp's got a rifle range and woods all around a lake. I'm definitely gonna kill something, like a grizzly, mountain lion, maybe a tiger. Or I might just go in the canoe and shoot some fish.
Frank: Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you, a world your other siblings will never get to experience. But they don't know that this camp is only for kids with cancer, so, like I said before, you must keep that secret. Are you still someone I can trust?
Carl: Why am I the only one who caught cancer from Grammy?
Frank: Life is rife with questions that baffle. All we can do is carry on.
Carl: Am I going to die?
Frank: Time will tell. But don't you worry. I'm working on a cure.
...
Ian: Carl, what are you doing?
Making a sleeping bag.
Ian: These are Lip's sheets.
Not anymore.
Ian: All right, take my ROTC sleeping bag, huh?
Really?
Ian: Yeah. I'll grab it from upstairs.
Why couldn't you win a raffle for camp when I was little, Frank?
Fortune dispenses randomly.
I hated camp.
Don't listen to Jamie, Carl.
Fiona: If I had to apologize for all the stuff my dad has done, I wouldn't have a voice left.
Bobby: [Over intercom] Princess, it's time for your break. Princess, stop working so hard.
Fiona: Princess, I got it. Go take your break.
Fiona co-worker: It's not a "break" break. It's a "bobby" break.
[Frank is dropping Carl off at the camp bus]
Wendy: Will you be coming up for parents day, Mr. Gallagher?
Frank: No. No, no. Working. No time to relax. Being able to afford Carl's cancer drugs means a lot of time at the foundry. And, if I'm late, I get docked. I get docked too many times, I get fired. If I get fired, I lose my benefits, benefits that will provide treatments to extend Carl's life past the doctor's original dire predictions.
Wendy: We'll take good care of him, I promise.
Frank: Thank you.
Wendy: Okay, folks, bus is leaving. Get your hugs in.
Frank: Okay, check it out. [Hands Carl a bottle of pills that are likely breath mints] I was able to pull some strings and get you these special cancer pills. Take one a day. They'll give you the energy To get through camp.
Carl: Will they cure my cancer?
Frank: Depends on your attitude.
Carl: [Hugs Frank] I love you, dad.
Frank: Okay. Okay, good. There you go. Be brave.
Both Debbie and Ashish: ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen...
Ashish: one, two, three... four, five...
Debbie: Ashish, it's not your turn. What number did I get up to?
Ashish: Five! Or thirteen...
Hanley: Yo. I'm Hanley.
Carl: Carl.
Hanley: What up?
Carl: Not my red blood cell count. What kind do you got?
Hanley: The kind that kills kids. You?
Carl: Same.
Carl: What's that smell?
Wendy: Fresh air.
Carl: Where's the rifle range?
Wendy: Don't think we have that anymore.
Carl: Then why's it on the pamphlet?
Wendy: That is a worthwhile inquiry.
Carl: You shouldn't have put it on the pamphlet if you don't have it.
Wendy: Well, let's go check.
[Campers are all singing around campfire]
Wendy: You want to sing along with us, carl?
Carl: I want to shoot a rifle.
Wendy: Got some info for you on that one. We no longer offer a rifle range.
Carl: That's bullshit! [All campers turn heads to them]
Wendy: Language, please, carl.
Carl: There's a range on the pamphlet.
Wendy: How about I teach you to play chess?
Carl: How about I call Action 4 News and tell them you're lying to a bunch of dying kids On what they get to do at this horseshit camp! [All campers turn heads to them]
Wendy: I'm sorry, Carl.
Carl: I want to go to the forest and kill something.
Wendy: Let's find you something safe to do, yet still thrilling, Like making a tie-dyed t-shirt.
Frank: You don't have to want it. Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.
Jody: I can't, Frank. I'm sorry. Sex toys are a gateway choice.
Frank: Toys can be mind-expanding.
Jody: I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous. Part of my recovery's to make certain that I only have loving, committed sex. No battery-powered aids allowed.
Frank: She just wants to kick it up a notch. Make her happy.
Jody: The key to my continued happiness is to have loving sex infrequently.
Katy: I've mastered the infrequent part.
Frank: This isn't about your happiness. It's about Sheila's.
Jody: I finally got my life back under control. If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.
Kevin: Oh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.
Jody: ten, twelve times a day?
Kevin: What, thinking about it? Yeah. More.
Jody: No, the act. Arousal and release. Before I got into SA, I was having sex 10, 12 times a day.
Frank: Giving or receiving?
Jody: Never receiving. I was destroying.
Katy: Destroying?
Jody: That's what I used to call it; "destroying pussy."
Katy: You all make coming to work such a delight. [She walks away]
Frank: 10, 12 times a day? The same woman?
Jody: Never. That's the thing about the internet. Once you announce your depravity, there's plenty of other depravers seeking company. I mean, if you put it out there, you can find a ton of willing participants who want to be humiliated having sex.
Tommy: I got to re-up my AOL account.
Jody: One week, I had 32 different partners. Didn't cost me a dime. Toys, contraptions, Restraints. You know, you start messing around, you think you're under control, but eventually you abuse your arousal center, needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch. I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, and my weapon was my cock. I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard unless I was slapping it in the face of a woman who was pretending she was crying.
Frank: I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand poobah of depravity.
Jody: Was. Won't be again. What do I owe you for the Ginger Ale, Kev?
Wendy: Vanilla or chocolate? Mixed.
Carl: You got any rainbow sprinkles?
Wendy: They discontinued using sprinkles last summer. Some brands of food coloring have been linked to cancer.
Carl: I already have cancer. This camp blows. No sprinkles? What is this, Mexico?
Wendy: We're trying to create an enjoyable--
Carl: Create a way to get some sprinkles here before we die.
Wendy: Hey, kids, it's Moppy the clown. [Kids cheer]
Hanley: Yo, Carl, way to speak up.
Carl: Want to go check out the lake?
Hanley: Sure. I'll go ask.
Carl: Don't ask. Just go.
Hanley: But they'll get mad if we don't ask permission.
Carl: Cancer is our permission. We've been at this camp for a whole day without seeing the lake.
Hanley: I've never seen a lake before.
Carl: Not even Lake Michigan?
Hanley: Where's that?
Fiona: How'd cashier work get weird? I think everyone at work other than me is blowing the manager.
Jimmy: That's genius. Evil genius.
Fiona: Taking advantage of women who can't afford to lose their jobs? It's sick.
Jimmy: Then quit.
Fiona: I need the job. Overtime. Benefits. But eventually, they're all gonna realize I'm not carrying my share of the load. Literally. Maybe I can figure out a way to make 'em all stop before they realize I'm getting a free ride. Yeah, if we stick together, Collectively boycott giving him what he wants, maybe it can stop. There's strength in numbers. United we stand. Divided, we keep sucking dick. Hey, revolutions have begun with less inspiring phrases.
Carl: Cool.
Hanley: Flat rocks skip better. They pay for your braces before or after they found out you were dying?
Carl: I'm not dying.
Hanley: You got cancer, dude. You're dying. We're all dying.
Carl: My dad got me some special pills.
Hanley: Good luck with that.
Carl: Seriously.
Hanley: They ain't got no cure.
Carl: I thought this camp was supposed to, you know, like, help kids, fresh air and that stuff.
Hanley: The only kids invited to this camp are the ones that ain't gonna make it. This is the final party. One final "screw you," putting all this cool shit within arm's reach and then not letting us do dick.
Carl: If you had to pick one wish they would actually grant, What would it be?
Hanley: Titties. Never seen a real girl's titties.
Carl: Porn?
Hanley: Sure. But never seen titties in real life. You?
Carl: Older sister.
Hanley: Describe 'em.
Carl: Like titties, except their your older sister's. You don't really want to keep looking at 'em.
Wendy: Okay, kids, for lunch, we have organic chicken, a fresh kale salad, and a juice bar with beets and cukes and ginger and carrots ready to be ground down into their essential goodness.
Carl: Got any chicken nuggets?
Hanley: I love chicken nuggets.
Camper: Chickie nugs? I want some.
Wendy: Sorry, guys. No chicken nuggets.
Carl: Got a car?
Wendy: No. I'm a college student.
Carl: Buy one. People who go to college are rich.
Wendy: I'm not.
Carl: Then go call us a cab And go get us some nuggets.
Camper: I got money. My mom said I could buy whatever I want from the camp store. I want chicken nuggets.
Wendy: There's no nuggets at the camp store.
Hanley: We're dying of cancer. Serial killers on death row get lobster for their final meal.
Carl: Any one of these next meals could be our last. We can't even get some chicken nuggets? We have cancer. Go get us some nuggets now! [Starts chanting] Nuggets... :[All the campers join in chanting and pounding on table]
Carl: This is where they lock up the pain pills. We need a bolt cutter.
Hanley: No, we don't. Let's just use your swiss army knife and unscrew the bolts.
Or we can just break the glass. When I break the glass, you guys cough So no one will be suspicious. One, two, three, cough. [Carl smashes through glass]
Wendy: What are you kids doing in here?!
Hanley: We were gonna steal the drugs and sell them.
Carl: Really? You need to work on your lying.
Wendy: What do you need money for?!
Girl: We want to pay a woman--
Carl: Shut up. This is a camp that's supposed to fulfill wishes, but all you do is say "no."
Wendy: [Sighs] Kids, I came to work here to do my part in diminishing the burden of your illness. I know you've been disappointed with some of the restrictions put on you here. I wish I had the power to change that.
Carl: You may have more power than you think.
...
Wendy: [Appears to Carl, Hanley and a girl] I'm only doing this for Hanley.
Carl: I have cancer too.
Girl: Me too.
Hanley: You're the best friend I've ever had.
[Wendy takes off shirt and bra]
Carl: Now how about the lower half?
Wendy: Not happening, pal.
Moppy the clown: Wendy? Wow. Exactly how I imagined them to be. [Wendy covers breasts in embarrassment and flees]
[Fiona has all her female coworkers in the family room and is serving them drinks]
Fiona: Ladies, thanks for getting together on such short notice.
Patty: Oh, who doesn't like a party?
Fiona: You've all embraced me at the store, and I really appreciate it. And I-I just want to say That we- we collectively have a voice
All woman: Yeah!
Fiona: And we- we should start voicing it.
Woman 1: You starting a ladies' choir?
Woman 2: I sing at the church every Sunday.
Woman 3: I can't sing at all.
Fiona: No. No. Ladies, we need to speak about what's going on at work- with Bobby. I, like all of you, am happy to have a job, okay? But I don't want this job if the cost is a never-ending payback hummer. I don't want to live in that world. It's not right.
Woman 1: Thank God somebody finally said it.
Woman 2: I've been saying it for months.
Woman 1: But you didn't throw a party. [They laughs]
Fiona: If we band together, we can put an end to this.
All woman: Yeah.
Fiona: An end to hearing your name called over the loudspeaker.
Woman: Hello.
Fiona: An end to him deciding we're here to please him whenever the urge arises.
All woman: Right.
Fiona: An end to feeling like we have to give him whatever he wants. Like we are some desperate whores who are happy for the attention.
All woman: Right.
Fiona: Our jobs are not his to threaten us with.
All woman: Right.
Fiona: Our mouths are not his property to use as he pleases.
Woman: Yeah. Amen.
Woman 4: I was this close to biting it off last week. [They laugh]
Fiona: We need to say this stops now.
All woman: Yeah! Yes!
Patty: It's not that bad. [Silence]
Fiona: What?
Patty: I mean, he showers daily, keeps himself clean. Last year, when my kid got sick, he gave me time off. Says something.
Asian woman: Patty's right. When I punch in late, he never dock me.
Patty: What's a quick blow job if, when my kid is sick, I get to stay home?
Fiona: It's sexual harassment.
Woman 4: Exactly. He let me take flowers to put on my mother's grave, no charge.
Fiona: He charges you a weekly hummer.
Woman 4: Come on, he lets you take home week-old carnations that are already dying.
Fiona: To hell with his flowers.
Patty: It's once a week for ten minutes. Stick your finger up his rear and pop his cork, you get it done in two.
Woman 1: That's what I would do, and leave a li'l press-on nail up there. [They laugh] Give him something to scream about.
Woman 3: Amen, Jennica! [They laugh]
Patty: We're playing a dangerous game, ladies. Okay? Wait, wait. If we cause a ruckus, we get him fired, Guess what? We don't know who the next manager will be. What if he doesn't let us call in sick when we're really not sick? What if he doesn't let us go to a funeral without punching out? What if he doesn't let us take home expired meat and sheet cakes and a pony keg once and again for free?
Woman 3: Bobby's a nice guy.
Patty: Okay, okay, so we have to provide him with oral pleasure once a week. Is that such a bad thing?
All woman: Yes!
Fiona: No, no, no, listen, girls, listen. Think about it.
Patty: The dick we're sucking may very well be better than the dick we might have to suck instead.
Fiona: Thank god you're in the minority.
Patty: Thank you.
All woman: Yeah.
Patty: Uh, yeah?
All woman: Yeah.
Patty: Let's take a vote.
Fiona: On what?
Patty: The situation at hand. Whether we keep what's working working.
Fiona: You want to have a vote?
Patty: Hey, you convened the blow job town hall. Let's vote. Yes or no.
Fiona: Fine. Show of hands. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Patty: Secret ballot. Let the democratic process unfold.
Frank: Couple of tips: Don't relax. Pretend you're scared. She likes that.
Jody: I don't have to pretend, though.
Frank: It'll stretch. Trust me. If god didn't want us putting things up our ass, He would have given the rectum a gag reflex.
Jody: Loving sex is a rule of my program.
Frank: Don't let your emotions completely obscure the barbaric roots of the sexual act.
Jody: Don't lose touch with the seeds of our animal nature.
Frank: That's a good thing. We're not animals.
Jody: We're people with the ability To elevate sex to a spiritual, loving experience.
Kevin: This one's gonna take. My boys are gonna hit your bull's-eye.
Veronica: Mm. I can feel it.
Kevin: Come on, boys! [Laughs] Swim! Swim like Michael Phelps! Swim, baby! Can a vagina go deaf?
Frank: If God didn't want things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

The Sins of My Caretaker [3.05] edit

Veronica: [Reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Fiona: Bakery guy is dyslexic.
Jimmy: It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Veronica: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.
Debbie: [To Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!
Mickey: I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
Ian: He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.
Ian: Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Mickey: Really. Hilarious.
Ian: Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Mickey: Can I bring my cousins?
Ian: Yeah.
Mickey: Alright. I'm in.
[Lloyd visits Ian at work at Kash and Grab]
Lloyd: Can you forgive a man who's falling apart? A little?
Ian: Yeah.
Lloyd: Can I kiss you?
Ian: No.
Lloyd: Just a little. So listen. Um, I need somebody to rob my house, and I'm hoping you could help.
Ian: You want me to rob your house?
Lloyd: Candace changed the locks on the house. My goddamn house. And she won't let me back in, so I need someone to steal my stuff. If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me. You go in during daylight hours, and you look like movers. You'll be fine. Look, she stays up till 3:00 a.m. Drinking Stoli' Vanilla and watching Bowflex ads. She'll be unconscious until well past noon. Okay, this could be very lucrative for you. You can take anything you want. Come on, it's all insured. All I want are my two armani suits, My Lucien Freud, and my bottle of 1990 Chateau Latour Pauillac. What do you say? Will you do it?
[Frank is sleeping in a dirt hole leaning against fence and Fiona walks along kicking Frank in the head]
Frank: Enough with the kicking! Christ!
Fiona: Where is she?!
Frank: I can't- I give up. I need sleep.
Fiona: Let me spell this out for you. The city digs up some bones. The police show up. They figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones. They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks are being cashed every month. This isn't a DUI, Frank. You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. Think about it.
Frank: Fuck.
Carl: Frank?
Frank: Yes, son?
Carl: Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth?
Frank:Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
Carl: Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Frank: Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build. And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked. It's a scorcher today, ain't it?
Dr. Vega: [Glancing at computer] I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 UTI, and a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, so can you tell me why you're here when I just saw you two weeks ago?
Veronica: We've been banging like bunnies And I can't get pregnant. I need another exam.
Dr. Vega: It won't change anything.
Veronica: But you said last time I had a chance of getting pregnant.
Dr. Vega: I believe I said you had very little chance. I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable."
Carol: You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
Dr. Vega: I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.
Veronica: I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?
Dr. Vega: Put is this way, you have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
Carl: So does, like, one penis go into the other penis?
Hank jr.: Of course. When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.
[Debbie walks up to Frank jackhammering in the backyard]
Debbie: Daddy!
Frank: Hey. Whoa. You stink like bleach.
Debbie: Yeah, I was at the pool today. I stayed under for 112 seconds.
Frank: Hey, good for you!
Debbie: Yeah.
Frank: Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two. They think they own the water just 'cause they piss in it.
Carl: I need to know where the gay wieners go.
Lip: [Sighs] You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?
Carl: Yeah.
Lip: Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet.
Molly: I can't wait to get my period. Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.
Fiona: You're not a girl, honey. You're a boy who was raised By a jacked-up meth head of a mom Who made you think you were a girl Because she hates men.
Molly: I'm not a girl?!
[Sheila has realised her hospice patient, a senior nun has been blogging about Sheila on her iPad]
Sheila: Oh! Oh! I thought you took a vow of silence. The silence doesn't include the internet? You have been blogging about me every day?
[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
Jimmy: It's my fourth.
Katy: I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Jimmy: I'm broke.
Tommy: Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Kevin: Oh, there she is.
Katy: Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Kevin: Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Katy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
Katy: A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Kevin: Yeah.
Katy: Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Kevin: Yeah, yeah.
Katy: Thank you.
Kevin: Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Kevin: Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
Frank: [Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
Patron: Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
Frank: That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
Patron: How do you know that?
Frank: Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
Patron: Shit, is that gold?!
Frank: Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
Tommy: Fuck it. Why not?
One-arm-patron: I'm in.
Frank: There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
Debbie: I think I'm gonna puke.
Fiona: Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?
Carl: [Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!
Fiona: Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!
Lip: You get those from the fireworks stash?!
Fiona: Yeah!
Lip: Go get some more!
Fiona: [Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!
Jimmy: [Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--
Fiona: Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.
Jimmy: Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?
Fiona: Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!
Jimmy: You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.
Fiona: Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!

Cascading Failures [3.06] edit

Fiona: [to Jimmy] I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just... genetic.
Veronica: [Fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.
Mickey: My dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days so if you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can.
Ian: Was I just invited to a sleep over?
Mickey: Fuck you is what you were invited to.
Both Kevin and Carol: Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Veronica: Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex!
Carol: What is the difference?!
Veronica: It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.
Carol: Uh-uh. No, honey.
Kevin: This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.
Veronica: I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.
Carol: [Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]
Lou: The county database says that you're available for placement, But I'm concerned there are too many children in your care. I'm sure there's some kind of limit.
Mama Kamala: These ain't cats, honey. They're kids. They need someone to take care of them. That's why the good lord put me here. So I can take in all his babies don't nobody else want. [Laughs] Come here, sweetheart. Come on, I'm not gonna bite you. [Laughs] You're a blessing. Mama kamala is truly blessed to have you.
Debbie: Yep. It's only for a few days. I'll be okay.
Lou: Um, this is my number. If you have any questions Or, you know, if you just want to talk about anything, you can call me anytime, okay? [Walks to door with Kamala]
Mama Kamala: Okeydokey. Bye-bye, now. [Closes door and her mood changes] Rule number one; no sitting on the good furniture.
Debbie: This is the good furniture?
Mama Kamala: Rule number two; no sassing. You hear me? Let me look inside that bag. Give me that bag. Make sure you ain't got nothing in there to get you in trouble. Why are you standing there eyeballing me? Get busy minding them kids.
Debbie: Hi. I'm Debbie.
Laronda: Laronda.
Mama Kamala: You ain't getting your bags back.
Debbie: I know.
Jody: [Fixing kitchen light fixture] Damn, it's hot up here
Sheila: That's because heat rises.
Jody: Then how come space is so cold? [Someone knocks on door] I got it.
Sheila: Who's at the door? [Jody opens door ]
Jody: Hey.
Frank: Hey, uh...
Sheila: Who's at the door, baby? [Frank comes in and Sheila gasps] No! Frank, no!
Frank: Wait.
Sheila: You- first of all, get out! Get out!
Frank: Just hear me out.
Sheila: You are not allowed in here. Get out!
Frank: DFS pinched my kids. I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.
Sheila: What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you? You left Hiram all alone.
Frank: I am begging you. As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid. Karen ran away. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you? This isn't for Frank, okay? It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam. Maybe you should do it, Shelly-Bear...For the kids.
Mickey: You fuck anyone in there yet?
Ian: God no!
Mickey: Wise choice. Even if you're propositioned it's probably just a set up. Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way.
Ian: Great.
Ian: I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.
Mickey: I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

A Long Way From Home [3.07] edit

Jimmy: [to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?
Carl: [Flipping through channels realising all prime channels are blocked] What the hell? TV's broken.
Steven: Uh, parental controls. We wouldn't want you stumbling onto something you shouldn't.
Carl: That's the only reason to watch.
Steven: It still gets Discovery Kids, Disney, and Bravo. Come on. Put the remote down. It's time for your bath.
Carl: How many damn times do I have to smell like mango and pomegranate?
Steven: Uh, if you think I'm gonna let you near your tutor without one, you got another thing coming, young man.
Carl: Tutor?
Steven: To brush up on your math. You're two grade levels behind.
Carl: Only two?
[Debbie walks down stairs and a girl bursts out front door to hug father]
Maria: Daddy!
Maria's father: I missed you, baby.
Debbie: They finally let Maria's dad out of prison, huh?
Mama Kamala: He'll be back. So will she. Till then, drop the mop. Come on.
Debbie: You want me to do laundry first?
Mama Kamala: You're going to replace her. [Opens basement door] Downstairs.
Debbie: Downstairs?
Mama Kamala: You gonna make me push you down? [Debbie walks down stairs to find kids at work in a sweatshop-like operation] Okay, all right, find a seat and get busy.
Laronda: Debbie, here! Next to me. You can share my Krazy Glue.
Debbie: She forces us to make jewelry?
Laronda: Oh, no. You don't have to. Not if you aren't hungry. One bracelet gets you a burger. Four earrings, French fries.
Debbie: I don't think this is legal.
Laronda: Used to be only a couple of us down here, but business took off when Mama Kamala started slapping those "made in Africa" stickers on. Dust gets my allergies going. Yeah, well, the mold and rat droppings can't be helping. I'd take more, but it makes me sleepy.
Mama Kamala: Idle hands are the devil's work, hmm?
Frank: [Kevin slides a shot and Frank downs it] Last one.
Kevin: If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that, I'd have exactly one dime.
Frank: Court hearing's tomorrow.
Kevin: I thought you already pissed in a cup.
Frank: Spot test. Anything to keep families apart. One more.
Chester: Amen, Frank. Gestapo tried to declare me an unfit parent.
Frank: You brought a crack pipe to the courthouse.
Kevin: Who the hell tries to run a crack pipe through a metal detector?
Frank: I know the dog and pony-- show up in a suit, flash some AA chips, character reference. They'll hand the brats right over.
Kevin: Well, it's nice to know the bar is set so high.
Frank: Nothing more American than a second chance. Or a third or a fourth. Redemption, tugs at the heartstrings. Shot for the road.
Chester: Oh, you be careful, Frank. Those child-stealing liberal bastards are out for blood.
Frank: Broke my judicial cherry years ago, Chester. They will never take my kids from me. I want the kids.
Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Where There's a Will [3.08] edit

Patrick: Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.
Frank: And 60s!
Carl: She did magic tricks?
Frank: No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.
Patrick: We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.
Fiona: Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?
Patrick: Yep.
Fiona: And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?
Patrick: It was never your house.
Lip: It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.
Patrick: Signed and notarized.
Lip: I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.
Patrick: I gotta get back to my family.
Fiona: Six kids with nowhere else to go.
Patrick: Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?
Lip: You want to tell them or should I?
Kevin: I'm like a stud bull. You open the barn door, slap me on the ass. You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door," all right, I'm gonna block everything out, and I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.
Carol: I picture Denzel Washington.
Kevin: Oh, for real?
Carol: When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, eh, then I go with Johnny Depp.
Kevin: Oh?
Frank: Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.
Ian: Why is Frank here again?
Fiona: There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.
Carl: Patrick wants to steal our house?
Lip: He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.
Fiona: Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.
Debbie: I'll write them down.
Ian: [They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?
Fiona: More like 15.
Debbie: [Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.
Lip: We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.
Fiona: Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.
Frank: Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?
Lip: What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.
Debbie: Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.
Jimmy: Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.
Debbie: Yeah, that's three.
Frank: Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.
Debbie: Option four. Kill Patrick.
Frank: It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.
Ian: Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.
Frank: So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.
Fiona: You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?
Lip: Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.
Fiona: All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.
Frank: Well, like hell it is.
Fiona: Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.
Carl: Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?
Fiona: Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.
Frank: This is why democracy does not work.
Fiona: Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.
Debbie: I borrowed it from Mandy.
Fiona: Clearly.
Debbie: You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?
Fiona: Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.
...
Fiona: Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.
Mandy: Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.
Lip: Jeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.
...
Fiona: Can you take Liam tomorrow?
Veronica: Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]
Mandy: Nice. [Goes up stairs]
Veronica: Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.
Sheila: And now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.
Karen: I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
Sheila: I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life. In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.
Karen: Support for what?
Sheila: For families affected with Down's Syndrome. I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.
Frank': Be grateful the kid's not here.
Sheila: Butt out, Frank!
Frank': Children in the Cambodian killing fields turned their parents over for execution. A lifetime of devotion, that's the loyalty it buys you.
Sheila: Um, Frank.
Frank: Uh-huh?
Sheila: Honey, we've been through a lot together.
Frank: That we have, Sheils, that we have.
Sheila: Um, but Hymie's gone, and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.
Frank: What? No. No, no, no, don't say that.
Sheila: Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.
Frank: My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless? Do you want me wandering the streets just as old man winter winds his way down from the frozen north?
Sheila: Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?
Frank: Just as I'm getting my life together. I'm going to AA.
Sheila: You go because a judge ordered you to go.
Frank: Sheila.
Sheila: Frank, you're a good man, but you've got to find another place to stay.
[Sheila, Karen and Jody are at a PTA meeting for mentally disabled students and their parents]
PTA representative Kandage: Okay, listen up. Some of you have inquired about our petition. We have demanded that Lincoln Grove high school offer programs for special students to help them fit in with their classmates. [Applause]
Sheila: Aren't you glad we came?
Karen: Yeah.
PTA representative Kandage: Great, also concerning the "R" word, we have demanded a school policy forbidding students and faculty from using that word.
Jeremy: Retard.
PTA representative Kandage: Excuse me.
Jeremy: Retard. You can't even say it. So how do we talk about it?
PTA representative Kandage: We all know your opinion on this, Jeremy. But right now I'm the one speaking.
Jeremy: Brothers and sisters, words only have power if we give them power. We must take back the word "retard." Make it ours.
PTA representative Kandage: Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.
Jeremy: I'm not your sweetheart, bitch. [All attendees gasp]
Ability activist: Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well, but many of us here think it's time that we reclaim and redefine the word. And since normies don't get called "retard," they don't have a say in this. Normies do not get a say.
Sheila: What's a "normie?"
Jody: I think it's slang for non-retards.
Jeremy: Hey, Fabio, do you mind?
Jody: Sorry.
PTA representative Kandage: I don't care how it's used. I don't want anybody calling my son that word ever. It's incredibly hurtful.
Father: Even if we did get rid of it, someone will just think up another way of saying it.
Black father: That's right. The queers took back their word. It's different.
Father: How is it different? It's not like race issues disappear if people stop saying nigger.
Black father: [Gets up and points to father] Shut the fuck up!
Father: I can say it, you can't.
Ability activist: Retards, we must ban together. The way to get respect is to take respect, and normies can help us get that message out. Raise your hand if you're with us!
Man: Yeah.
Jeremy: [Starts chant] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation. [Entire PTA meeting joins in chanting]
Karen: I got your message.
Lip: The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
Karen: It was nice to hear your voice. [Shows tattoo to Lip]
Lip: Eiffel Tower?
Karen: Yeah, this guy said he'd take me to Paris, so I had this done. But he took all my money and tried to sell me to a sheikh from Yemen. So, yeah, things got bad for a little while. But anyways, I'm- I'm home now.
Lip: That sounds shitty.
Veronica: [Walks past Patrick vomiting at his truck and goes into house] And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Carl: Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
Veronica: What the hell are you reading?
Carl: [Holds up a box] Rat poison.
[Sheila is at an awareness campaign stand on a street]
Sheila: Hi! Hi! We are Retard Nation. Yeah, we're a local organization, but as the name suggests, we are going national. We're promoting the idea that people with Down's Syndrome need to reclaim their own identities in order to define themselves. So if you'd like to, you can make a donation or if you'd like to buy a t-shirt or just get signed--
Market manager: What the hell is this?!
Sheila: Well, we're a local organization, Retard Nation--
Market manager: Take it down now.
Sheila: Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Market manager: Lady, you're not gonna stand in front of my market with this goddamn sign. Pack it up now or I'll do it, all right?
Sheila: Sir, we will not be intimidated by normies.
Market manager: By what?
Sheila: By normies.
Market manager: Goddamn it, get this crap out of here.
Sheila: Don't!
Market manager: All of it. Ma'am, I'm very sorry--
Sheila: Don't! Do not touch me in front of my market. This is hate speech. Get your hands off of me. [Chants] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation.
Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Frank the Plumber [3.09] edit

Mandy: I don't understand.
Lip: You really don't get why I have a problem with this?
Mandy: No.
Lip: Really?
Mandy: No!
Lip: Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?
Ian: Not getting in the middle.
Mandy: Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.
[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]
Mandy: Walk. The fuck. Away.
Lip: Wow. You're--
Mandy: What? I'm what?
Lip: You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!
Mandy: You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.
Christopher: What are you reading about?
Frank: A bunch of uppity queers claiming that domestic partnership rights are not good enough for them.
Christopher: They get offended when you call them queers, Frank.
Frank: Calling people by their name is not, nor should it ever, be argued as offensive. God almighty.
Christopher: You okay?
Frank: No! I'm a pauper, and somehow I got the king's disease.
Christopher: Gonorrhea?
Frank: Kings don't screw whores. They screw virgins or their nieces. The king's disease is gout. Big toe is throbbing like blue balls that no blowjob can ever fix. You got any percs or vikes?
Christopher: No, but I could call my doctor, See if she can fit you in. She's super nice. Korean. Small fingers.
Frank: No, thank you. Doctors are crooks, Especially the Korean ones. Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.
Christopher: Frank, I'm pretty sure that's racist.
Frank: Accurate is not racist. Write that down in your AA journal.
[Debbie is at Sheila's house when Fiona calls and Debbie answers]
Debbie: Jackson residence.
Fiona: Debbie, you were just supposed to drop Liam there. Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?
Debbie: Uh, code pink.
Fiona: Monica's home?
Debbie: No, no, no. Code pink at Sheila's. I'll explain later, okay?
Fiona: Fine, explain later. But you're in big trouble.
Sheila: What's a code pink?
Debbie: It's nothing. I was just trying to explain to Fiona Why I'm not at school. It's like a code word we have.
Debbie: Oh, no. What time is it?
Sheila: Are you skipping school because of me?
Debbie: I didn't want to go anyway. All anyone ever does is try to copy off me. But no one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid. Mean girls suck.
Sheila: My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Debbie: It's not your fault.
Sheila: But I'm her mother.
Debbie: Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?
[Frank walks up to a campaign stop of a mayoral electoral candidate while at a bus stop]
Paul: Vote Paul Lashmet for a better Chicago. Hope I can count on your vote. Nice to meet you.
Frank: [To a young mother with a baby crying] Can't you shut the baby up?
Woman: I could shove her up your ass and see if that does it.
Frank: You need to learn respect for your elders.
Woman: You need to learn to not be a total dickwad.
Frank: I have a plan to put chicago back to work. Hey. Hey. Over here. I know you can hear me, Mr. Give-me-your-vote! You want to know what's wrong with this city? You want to know what doesn't work? My wife and I got married after three weeks of dating, and she turned out to be a bipolar-drug-addict--easy who left me alone with six kids to raise, while my domestic partner, Mr. Christopher Collier, is a clean and sober, hardworking citizen of this country. I think he deserves the same rights as a woman who would abandon her children.
Paul Lashmet: Thank you, sir. And I will consider your situation.
Frank: Don't you turn your back on me. Oh, don't you worry. I'm a citizen of this country. I live in this city. My partner works for this city. But because we're not married, which the law doesn't even allow, I might add, I am not allowed to share in his insurance benefits. Which means for me, it's stand in the line At the free clinic or suffer. That's not only unfair and unchristian, it's flat out un-american. I'm a citizen. Where are my equal rights? Fix that, Mr. I-want-to-be-mayor. [Frank's bus goes on without him] Fuck.
[MIT recruiter meets Lip walking to his house]
Lip: Your insipid essay question asks me to tell you in 250 words about my most significant challenge in life. Honestly, it's hard to pick one. My guess is that you want to hear about my alcoholic father and my runaway mom or maybe about... you would eat that shit up. But those aren't my greatest challenges in life. An education system that pretends to be a meritocracy. My 4.6 GPA.
MIT scout: What would you want to study at MIT? Provided you could get past my well-meaning oblivion and the proximity of The Red Sox.
Lip: Robotics. But none of that undergrad filler bullshit. No 200-seat lectures taught by TAs. I just want the shit out in front of me.
MIT scout: The shit?
Lip: Yeah, the tools, you know, the toys, The stuff I can't get access to in my ghetto high school.
MIT scout: Why?
Lip: Because I'd like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime. And at the rate you're going, that shit's not gonna happen.
MIT scout: I'm not following. You don't want to go to classes, you just want to play in a lab.
Lip: I don't want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.
MIT scout: And?
Lip: Okay, the people working the weaving machines in the 17th century, you know, they didn't see the steam engine coming. One invention: Industrial revolution. I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see Wikipedia coming. Great things don't happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently. And all you geniuses, you just- you're just modifying algorithms.
MIT scout: C-3PO, huh?
Lip: That dude's a badass. You know, he's fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
[Jimmy withdraws cash at an ATM when a girl comes up behind him pointing a pistol]
Mugger girl: Give me the money!
Jimmy: What the fuck?! What the fuck?!
Mugger girl: Give me your money!
Jimmy: Is that a toy gun?! [Mugger girl fires a shot in the air with Jimmy handing her the cash who then runs away and Jimmy starts repeatedly swinging a carseat on the road] Aah! Fuck! Fuck! Aah! Fuck you! Fuck you! Aah!
Beto: Get in. We drink.
Jimmy: Fuck! Oh, god damn it!
[Frank is walking past an alleyway bar]
Gay bar patron: Hey, faggot.
Frank: I am not a faggot. And I could sue you for the use of the word.
Gay bar patron: Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side. Come on in. Let us buy you a drink. Come on. I'm not gonna bite- unless you ask me to.
Lip: You, um- you plagiarized Nelson Mandela.
Mandy: Who?
Lip: The MIT Application essay.
Mandy: Oh, you think I should have wrote it myself?
Lip: No. I think you shouldn't have Applied to colleges for me without asking me.
Mandy: I did ask you. I asked you, like, 100 times to get the applications in, And you ignored me.
Lip: For a reason.
Mandy: What reason, that you're an idiot? That you want to waste your life laying around In this shit-hole neighborhood forever? You have any idea how much stuff I had to steal and sell to pay those application fees? It was a huge pain in the ass, and I did it for you. So you could be a little bit nicer about it. You know, you might even want to say thank you.
Lip: Thank you. [They make passionate love]
Beto: Please tell your father I'm a big fan. It's truth, you see? What's truth? That you are no good for Fiona.
Jimmy: What the hell do you know?
Beto: I know you are not meant for this life. You are a rich boy, born with a silver spoon, eh? It's okay not to be ashamed. I am from the favela. Okay? And now I have silver spoon. You can go that way. But the other way? [Scoffs] That way is just misery. Bitter. Resent. [speaking Portuguese] It's better you should go now, before Fiona, and the kids get more, uh, what's the...?
Jimmy: Attached.
Beto: Attached, yes. Or before you and Fiona make a baby together. 'cause after a baby, Then it's misery, bitter, resent forever. Men, we need space to think. So walk, think. This time, I will not follow you.
Jimmy: Thanks, man.
Beto: Hey, but if you break any laws, I will chop off both your hands, eh?
Jimmy: I got it.
Lip: You use that Mandela speech in all the applications?
Mandy: No, mixed it up a little bit. Couple of dead presidents and some guy called "Gandy."
Mandy: Gandhi?
Lip: I don't get why you'd want me to go to MIT. You know, Boston's pretty far away.
Mandy: I thought maybe you'd take me with you, but--
Lip: But what?
Mandy: No one's ever been as good to me as you have. You're better than this neighborhood. You're better than anyone I've ever met. And you deserve to get out. Even if you don't take me with you. Which I never really thought you would anyway.
[Ian finds Mickey sitting in an abandoned building who throws a chunk near Ian]
Ian: So is it true? You're getting married? So who is it? Is it Angie Zahgo Or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?
Mickey: [Ian breaks off a chunk and throws it near chunk Mickey] Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?!
Ian: Oh, he speaks! [Mickey walks out of building ignoring him] So that's it! We're over?! Your dad beats the shit out of us, and you're just gonna get married, no conversation?! Nothing?! [Ian grabs Mickey who turns to him]
Mickey: Get the fuck off me!
Ian: Oh, you want to fag bash? That make you feel like a man? Come on. Go ahead! Do it! [Mickey punches Ian in the gut slumping down] You love me... And you're gay. Just admit it, just this once. Just fucking admit it. [Mickey punches Ian in the face falling down flat] You feel better now? You feel like a man?
Mickey: I feel better now.
Frank: [Lying in a backyard with Abraham Paige's assistant lifting Frank's eyelids to confirm life waiking Frank who looks up to Abraham with the sun shining behind him]
Frank: Oh, hey. Bright. [Chuckles]
Abraham: Mr. Gallagher, when you're ready to rise, we'd like to buy you a meal and have a chat.
...
[Frank is at a restaurant with Abraham and associate digging into his meal]
Abraham: We've looked into your records, Frank. You're an alcoholic, a derelict. Not the kind of man we usually want on our side. But you, my friend, have stumbled ass over teakettle into the most significant moment in the history of the gay rights movement. We both know that we're not second-class citizens, but there are a lot of people in this country who still need convincing. And you are the missing piece in our puzzle. You're blue-collar, working-class, Irish-Catholic. You have the ears of the people whose minds most need changing. You also have dog shit on your face and no place to live, but we can fix that if you agree to work with us.
Frank: You've got my attention, mister...
Abraham: Paige. Abraham Paige. We'll clean you up. We'll house you. We'll coach you. Do you remember "Joe the Plumber"? Heard of him?
Frank: He's a personal hero of mine.
Abraham: Well, you are gay joe.
Frank: Frank the plumber?
Abraham: No. Frank, the father. Frank, the son. Frank, the neighbor. Frank, the face of the gay-rights movement.
[Mickey comes across Mandy cleaning the blood and hair from Karen off the Milkovich car]
Mickey: What did you hit?
Mandy: A girl from school.
Mickey: [Pause] Make sure you check for hair behind the grill.

Civil Wrongs [3.10] edit

[Frank and Abraham are at a convention of a hotel conference room]
Abraham: Hey. Okay, let's get started. You all know why you're here. You've seen his story on the news, on Twitter feeds, on your Facebook walls. His is a tale of a lifetime in the closet, of a brave midlife embrace of his true nature, and an acknowledgment that he is a lightning rod for a vital civil rights issue. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher. Frank?
Frank: Um... We're at a-- we are at a crucial time in our nation's history. Where, as a nation, we'll either pivot toward what's right... or, um... stay stuck in what's wrong, and make no mistake, right now, it's a horrible time to be gay. And I, like all of you, have experienced it firsthand. Apparently, I've caused a ruckus because I said that gay folks deserve certain civil rights-- rights that the breeders don't want to bestow upon me. Ha, ha, ha. Upon we. Those breeders, all they wanna do is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having. If... if-- if the kind of sex we're having is what offends them most, they should let us get married, 'cause anybody who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there. Now, we have long-- thank you. We have long been wronged, and it's time for legislation that allows our private parts to be aroused by the people God intended to arouse them. And-- and it's time for that arousal to happen within marriage! So get out your wallets, or your-- your man purses, or whatever, and give now, 'cause I hope never to be up again this early, unless it's rolling over with a couple of you in bed. Thank you. I love you.
Abraham: Shit, you're good! How did you get so good?
Frank: My whole life, I've been trying to convince people to do what they really don't want to do. The-- the envelope, kind sir? Thank you, thank you. Now, we gotta talk about upgrading my room.
Abraham: Uh, you can tip the front desk with some of my recently departed hard-earned cash. The front desk at the Merchant Motor Inn is behind bulletproof glass.
Abraham: It's plexiglass. You have a queen bed and premium channels.
Frank: You saw what I did here. I'm your new rainmaker. I can get these rump-swappers to cough up cash night and day.
Abraham: "Rump-swappers"? There's a slur I've never heard before. Okay, we'll see how the high school speech goes, but until then, you're still on the clock, so go shake some hands, ya little rump-swapper. [Slaps Frank's butt]
Frank: You saucy tart, you.
[Alistair approaches Frank at the Alibi Room]
Alistair: Allow me to introduce myself. Alistair Huddleston. Can I buy you a drink?
Frank: Make it two. To men.
Alistair:I work for "Return To Paradise Project." We're a transformational ministry specializing in conversion therapy. We return homosexuals to healthy heterosexual lifestyles.
Frank: Why would you go do that?
Alistair: We believe that homosexuality is curable. Though some find pleasure in it, homosexuality is an addiction, an addiction that tears families apart.
Frank: I have a gay son. Never have to worry about him impregnating some skanky neighborhood slut and bringing home her unplanned-for half-breed. I wish I'd known I was gay back then. I could've risen high in any one of the many fields dominated by gays. Entertainment, politics, broadcasting. Tennis.
Alistair: You're working for Abraham Paige's agenda?
Frank: I'm cleaning up. Helping the oppressed.
Alistair: They're addicted, not oppressed, and we can pay you more.
Frank: How much more?
Alistair: Stipend, room, board, and substantial speaking fees upon completion of therapy.
Frank: I draw the line at therapy.
Alistair: But Frank, see, without the therapy, there's no cure. I want to be able to say we cured you. Gay is who I am now. Gay is who I shall be. Frank, you once walked the true path of heterosexual love. If I were to redirect you back onto that path, you'll be a much more compelling speaker for our cause, because you'll have been singed by the fires of hell, but lived to tell. Our therapy works. It starts with aversion techniques, conditioning you to avoid certain gay-sex triggers. Clinical fornication would start once you've practiced some of those techniques.
Frank: Sorry, clinical fornication?
Alistair: We house you in the Delacroix Hotel, and deliver women to you to have sex with until you're cured.
Frank: I-I-I'm sorry, I interrupted you. What--?
Alistair: We feel this is a lesser sin than sodomy. I grant that this seems unconventional, but new ideas are necessary to counter unwavering plagues. We're paving a road back to God, and the devil has erected obstacles that call for rule-bending in service of a greater good.
Frank: Throw in some walking around money, and I'll give it a shot.
[Lip is smoking at his bedroom window reminiscing over pics with Karen on his phone and Ian comes in throwing his backpack at a window near Lip]
Ian: That whore that Mickey's marrying is an actual whore that works at Garden Springs Spa.
Lip: Friends and family discounts on handy-Js.
Ian: Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him.
Lip: When?
Ian: After he caught us together.
Lip: What? When? Dude, how did I not know this shit?
Ian: I didn't tell you.
Lip: Well, did it work?
Ian: I mean, he might've faked it once or twice, but he wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now, this chick is pregnant.
Lip: [Puts hand on Ian's head] Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new, okay? And someone in his early 20s, not some old dude like Kash or Ned.
Ian: Fuck you.
Lip: All right, seriously, go into a gay bar, make your need known, and have at it.
Ian: Mandy's upset you're upset about Karen.
Lip: Jesus. How many people is Mandy talking to?
Ian: She cares about you.
Lip: Why... I don't know.
Ian: You can be a real shithead.
Lip: How did we get this mixed up with two people from the Milkovich family?
Ian: Um... Bad parenting.
Lip: Yeah.
Jésus: [Wheels in room service for Frank in his hotel room] Prime rib for two?
Frank: Right there. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.
Jésus: [Lays plate on coffee table] And here you go, and here you go. Mr. Gallagher? Please excuse my informality, but I saw you on TV, and just, on behalf of the entire gay community, I want to thank you for putting yourself in the crosshairs of this political issue. I mean, it's courageous and inspiring. Whatever you need while you are here... uh... please, just do not hesitate to ask.
Frank: Ketchup.
Jésus: What?
Frank: Ketchup.
Jésus: Oh! Absolutely, yes. Um, my name is Jésus. Do you need me to sign you up for any spa treatments, or...
Frank: Well, I'm wide-open tomorrow, chockablock me some massages from sunup to sundown. Throw in a facial.
Jésus: Okay- will do.
Frank: Ketchup.
Jésus: Oh, right!
Debbie: Is it possible that my teeth will spontaneously straighten out on their own?
Fiona: Uh, Jimmy's going back to medical school. We can ask him to help.
Debbie: I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!
[Frank opens door to Alistair and Scotty]
Alistair: Frank, this is Scotty.
Scotty: Hi, Frank.
Frank: [Grabs Alistair] Could you excuse us just one second? I- [Pulls Alistair in the room aside with Scotty going near the bed] I am not gonna stop fucking men to start fucking women who look like men.
Alistair: This is a ministry, not a brothel. The volunteers who are ready are teamed with others who are ready.
Scotty: Thanks for being here and doing this with me.
Alistair: Scotty's been with us for six months of hard, devoted work trying to overcome her lesbian tendencies. You're going to help each other.
Scotty: [Starts taking clothes off] It's been a long road, but I want to be right with God.
Alistair: As does Frank. Don't you, Frank?
Frank: It's always good to have God in your corner.
Alistair: The goal of this stage is to stimulate one another, and see if stimulation can lead to copulation and orgasm. Okay, uh, you're anxious to go. I'm gonna slip out before you slip off anything else.
Frank: Is this really happening?
Scotty: God willing. The last time Alistair brought a man in to see me, he left in tears after I got undressed. Last time I shave everything.
Alistair: Scotty has been taking birth control, but as an extra precaution against STDs, please use the condoms I provided for you in the bathroom. Be like Adam and Eve, discovering one another for the first time in the Garden of Eden- naked, discovering each other, bringing to each other the pleasure that God intended for them. No shame, no guilt, no knowledge of things that distract us from God's love.
[Frank and Scotty are making passionate love with Abraham walking down the hallway with two lover boys and hotel bellhop Jésus]
Scotty: Oh, give it to me, Rihanna! Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Abraham: Open the door.
Scotty: Go! Almost there. Oh, almost there! [Abraham enters the room]
Frank: Oh, my God. I-I can explain.
Abraham: Reparative therapy? Jésus, get her out of here. [Lover boys start dressing and manhandling Scotty out of room]
Scotty: But I can fix him. I can try harder.
Abraham: Get!
Scotty: I can do it!
Abraham: Jesus, get her out! You let yourself be brainwashed by Alistair Huddleston and his "Return To Paradise Project" lunatics?
Frank: I thought she was a he. She was wearing Pendleton plaid and combat boots. Paul Bunyan's blue ox would have been fooled. All she needed was an axe.
Abraham: Jesus, lock the door.
Frank: I'm gay! Hey, Jesus, wait. I'm gay. I'm completely 100% gay.
Abraham: Good. Now you're gonna prove it. Boys. [Lover boys take their place and disrobe and Abraham sits on bench] I like to watch.
Frank: [Dreading tone] Oh, boy. I mean, [with fake enthusiasm] oh, boy!

Order Room Service [3.11] edit

[Two officers are arresting Carl outside house]
Officer 1: We know you've been stealing.
Lip: What the fuck?
Officer 1: Kid, settle down. Can I help you? Who are you?
Lip: His brother. What's going on?!
Officer 1: We have reason to believe this child may have robbed his former foster parents.
Lip: What proof you got?
Officer 1: He had a code assigned to him. He's the only one that knows it.
Lip: That's not evidence. Get your hands off him.
Officer 1: His code was a series of four letters. C-A-R-L.
Lip: Take your fucking hands off him, man. He's just a fucking kid.
Officer 1: That's enough of that. Step back.
Officer 2: Take your hands off the officer right now. [Frank wakes up in the van overhearing] It's gonna be okay. He stole from people. We're taking him in.
Lip: What are you taking him in for? He's a fucking kid.
Officer 1: Get back.
Lip: Carl, come here. Get your fucking hands off me.
Officer 1: I will arrest you. Do not touch him.
Lip: Why you being so rough with him?
Officer: Why is he being so rough with him?
Lip: You touch him again, I will arrest you.
Frank: Good evening, gentlemen.
Officer: Are you the parent?
Frank: Why, yes I am.
Lip: What the fuck are you doing here?
Frank: I'm coming home.
Officer: We're taking your son in for questioning.
Frank: He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't-- He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. [Turns back to officers and prepares hands for cuffs] Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. [Gets put in cruiser] Be brave, son. Order room service.
Ian: [Shows up] What happened?
Lip: Hell froze over.

Survival Of the Fittest [3.12] edit

Mickey: Get in here, I wanna show you something. Come on, check it out. Wife made me take all my Nazi shit down. She hates Nazis. Apparently, the Russians kicked some serious Kraut ass in WWII, so she can drink me under the fucking table, man. It's weird.
Carl: What are you doing?
Ian: ROTC retreat.
Carl: Since when?
Ian: Last-minute. Hey, where's my knife?
Carl: I don't know.
Ian: Carl, my SOG SEAL Team. It's the best fixed blade I got.
Carl: My samurai sword broke. Need a backup till it's fixed.
Ian: Yeah.
Carl: What if the zombie apocalypse goes down? Who's gonna protect Debbie and Liam?
Ian: Fine, keep it.
Carl: Really?
Ian: Promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.
Carl: Cats aren't human.
Ian: Anything living. Promise.
Carl: Promise. Can you teach me the different handgrips?
Ian: Sure.
Carl: Thanks.
[Veronica is walking quickly down hospital hall with Carol following after her and Kevin following behind]
Kevin: Hold on, now.
Veronica: Twelve weeks pregnant?!
Carol: Veronica, I promise, I swear I had no idea.
Kevin: Ladies, please. [Veronica shoves Carol] V, that's not right. [Brings up phone] Although I should probably record this... in case we wanna upload it to our site. Make money. Just watch her belly.
Veronica: Twelve weeks, Kev?
Kevin: Just trying to keep the peace.
Carol: I didn't know.
Veronica: You know. You're a walking pee stick.
Carol: In the past. This time-- - There's no this time.
Veronica: You kept quiet because you wanted to keep fucking my husband. [To couple sitting nearby] What the fuck are you looking at, huh? My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant. Can't all have our baby normal.
Kevin: Hey, what can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
Veronica: Mom, admit it.
Carol: Okay. Okay, I thought I might be pregnant.
Veronica: Oh, my God.
Carol: But, honey, look, I didn't know. I didn't take a test. I didn't wanna know.
Veronica: What? Why?
Carol: Because I liked what we had.
Kevin: Thank you.
Veronica: Excuse me?
Carol: Not what we, me and Kev had. What we all had.
Veronica: What are you talking about?
Carol: I was so lonely. When you called me to help out, it made me feel wanted. Wanted in a loving way. In a family way. Needed. Important.
Kevin: [Holds up fetus photo talking in a squeaky voice] Hey, I'm the baby fetus. Please don't fight anymore. I know Kev is a big hot stud and you couldn't resist his giant cock penis... but I'm all that matters now, right?
[Frank and Lip are at an upscale restaurant]
Frank: What does it take to get a refill around here?
Lip: Jacket and tie would probably help.
Frank: Ugh. This is nice. We don't spend enough time together.
Lip: No, we don't spend any time together.
Frank: Exactly my point. You know, son, you can always come to me.
Lip: Thanks, Dad.
Frank: I worry about you.
Lip: That right?
Frank: Parent's plight. Never goes away. No matter how old your kid gets. Look at you. Eighteen now. A high school graduate, heh. Where the fuck is that waiter?
Lip: Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.
Frank: Need any words of fatherly advice?
Lip: I think I got it covered.
Frank: Come on, come on. What's on your mind? Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder. Um....
Lip: I'm done with school. I have no idea what I'm gonna do today, or tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, heh.
Frank: So no plans?
Lip: No.
Frank: Good for you. You're just like me, we march to the beat of a different drummer. Everyone will try to cage you in. Tell you to worry about your future. Know what your future should be? This. Living life to the fullest. Every day, like it's your last. This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance. Let's hit the liquor store. [Brings out cash wad]
Lip: Hey, whoa, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?
Frank: Dine and dash?
Lip: Bite and bolt.
Frank: Eat it and beat it?
Lip: I'll take the front door.
Frank: Excuse me, amigo, baño?
Lip: Excuse me, I gotta take this call. Can we see a dessert menu, please?
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