Shameless (American TV series)/Season 1

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, that aired on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

Pilot [1.01]

[Frank's family and many others are watching a vehicle ablaze]

Frank: Nobody's saying our neighborhood is the Garden of Eden. Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether, but it's been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I'm proud of, 'cause every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me. Fiona, my rock, huge help. Has all the best qualities of her mother, except she's not a raging psycho bitch. Blow. Lip, smart as a whip. Straight "A"s and the honor roll. Boy's definitely going somewhere. [Lip is running at full sprint from two police officers hot on his tail]

Police officers: You, come back! Stop!

Frank: Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic. Don't have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper. Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock. Carl. Uh, I don't really know that much about Carl. Oh, loves animals. Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room. [Carl holds up a cat and blowtorch.] Ah, Debbie. Sent by God, total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in. Liam, going to be a star. I'm no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor. He and the ex were close. Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors. There's nothing the won't do for each other. Or to each other. [Kevin and Veronica are performing BDSM]

Kevin: That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would!

Frank: I never realized how little sex I was having till V and Kev moved next door. And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, knows the most important thing in this life... we know how to fucking party! [Multiple police cruisers arrive driving over the lawn and start mass arresting the specatcle attendees]

People: No! Fuck you, man!

[Lip has arrived at Sheila's house to tutor her daughter Karen not before surrendering his shoes to be sealed in a ziploc bag]

Karen: She's got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house. Molysmophobia.

Lip: Right. Okay, so, um... if you remember it like this, the... the formula is completely visible. Um... okay. Midget naked witch is bending over, and she's crying 'cause she lost one ear and she can't find it.

Karen: How do you know all this?

Lip: Uh, just something I like to fool around with.

Karen: Like a hobby?

Lip: Uh, no. More like a plan.

Karen: Physics?

Lip: Yeah, yeah. Have you done Newton's first? I've got a great one for that. Um, "Everybody continues [Karen goes under the table to fellate Lip] in a state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force." Uh, hang on. Karen, I'm, uh... I'm still going to have to charge you for this.

Karen: Charge me?

Lip: Yeah, this isn't charity. I get paid for tutoring.

Karen: I know. Science just turns me on.

Lip: Okay. Jesus.

Steve: [answers phone] Hello?

Fiona: If that wasn't bullshit, what was I wearing?

Steve: Huh?

Fiona: First time you saw me, if that wasn't a lie.

Steve: Black top with gold trim, black shiny jeans, thin shoes... straps... sandals. With your hair pinned high. Dangly gold earrings that made me smile. A big watch... too big, so it slid up your arm. But it looked great. And you were dancing next to red-haired girl in a green dress.

Fiona: Yeah, yeah. Jenna. It was Jenna's birthday. So you were - you were watching her. She's a lot better looking than me.

Steve: You think so? Really?

Fiona: Yeah, so how come you're not stalking Jenna?

Steve: Because you... you think like that and Jenna doesn't. Jenna dances for an audience. You dance like there's no one else in the room. Your life's not simple, Fiona, and you can't stop it from showing because you're no fake. You're not lost, you don't need finding. This whole city belongs to the Jennas, but I'm sick of them. I swear, Fiona, you're nothing like anyone I've ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again. Are you there? Fiona?

[Fiona and Steve are an upscale restaurant]

Steve: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What have I ever done to anybody, never mind you, that made me look unreliable? Un... unreliable.

Fiona: People like you are just way too used to getting your own way.

Steve: And by people like me you mean people like what? Okay, wait, all right. Yes-no. All you got to do is agree or disagree. He thinks the sun shines out of his own ass. Agree or disagree.

Fiona: Agree.

Steve: He's overly generous and that bugs me.

Fiona: Agree.

Steve: Because I'm not used to get...

Fiona: Actually very agree.

Steve: Because I'm not used to getting spoiled. Okay. So I lose respect for guys like Steve because people unlike Steve or people diametrically opposite to Steve have always let me down. So deciding that he's overeducated and has more money than sense is somehow more socially acceptable than asking myself, for instance, why do the men I always date treat me like shit?

Fiona: Fuck you. [She gets up and starts to leave]

Steve: It's a question.

Fiona: Fuck you.

Steve: Either-or. [She stops and sits back down]

Fiona: Agree.

Steve: He's had a easy life.

Fiona: Definitely.

Steve: And you prefer a guy who's been around the block a few times.

Fiona: What if I do?

Steve: Say, D block of a maximum security prison?

Fiona: If he knew how to have fun, yeah, sure.

Steve: Fiona, I can't help my upbringing. So how come it's me again having to apologize for mine?

Fiona: Who's asking you to?

Waiter: We finished here, guys?

Steve: We're working on it. You want to wait outside while I pay the bill?

Fiona: Sure.

Steve: He's on break?

Waiter: Any second now.

Steve: All right. [He puts on valet jacket and he and Fiona leave the restaurant] Good evening, sir. [Sports car owner gives him key]

Sports car owner: Thanks. [Steve drives ahead]

[Fiona calls Steve's phone and gets answering machine]

Steve: I don't buy and sell cars. I just sell them. But the cars I sell are mainly, uh, not mine. [Steve reverses back] Still looking for fun, Fiona?

Fiona: [She gets in] Go.

Lip: Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Carl: Uh, gone when I woke up. [Lip walks outside to backyard to van to find Ian smoking]

Lip: [Shows Ian the binder full of clippings of bodybuilding men] How can that be good for you? Or... or... or... or that? How can that be good for you?

Ian: Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?

Lip: Huh?

Ian: You. Ever.

Lip: Anybody before Kash?

Ian: One.

Lip: Yeah? Who?

Ian: I'm not telling you, all right?

Lip: Name a single time I've let you down.

Ian: It was a kid at school.

Lip: Yeah?

Ian: All right, I guess it doesn't really matter 'cause, I mean, he's long gone now anyways, but, uh... Roger Spikey.

Lip: Roger Spikey? Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey? The original beefmeister? Or did he start that rumor?

Ian: Not a rumor.

Lip: Whoa, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows. You want to watch that.

Ian: All right, fuck off, all right?

Lip: But seriously, like... like up the ass? Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean... I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic. It just is.

Lip: What? What?!

Ian: "Just is." Like, like, we're only given our lungs to freakin' smoke, right?

Frank The Plank [1.02]

Frank: [To Ian] Hey. Is that my shirt?

Ian: Yeah.

Frank: I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]

Steve: Whoa!

Frank: Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

Steve: What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!

Fiona: Jesus Christ, Dad!

Steve: You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!

Frank: This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?

Steve: Don't do this to your kids, Frank.

Frank: Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Fiona: Steve, go! Get out!

Steve: Hey, just go.

Frank: He's shitting his pants. Pussy.

Steve: You're pathetic, Frank.

Fiona: Get out now! I mean it!

Frank: Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.

Veronica: Ice.

Frank: It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.

Veronica: Really, Frank?

Frank: Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?

Officer Tony: You can't file a missing persons report on Frank.

Fiona: Why not? Frank's always missing.

Officer Tony: That's what I said. I mean, he's probably just sleeping it off at a friend's place.

Fiona: He hasn't got any friends. Who'd give him a bed? Come on, we've found him in dumpsters, garbage trucks, Mrs. Lutski's bathtub. Never on the last Friday of the month.

Officer Tony: What's Friday have to do with anything?

Fiona: It's the last Friday?

Officer Tony: I'll call my watch commander.

Fiona: How'd you get my dad to Toronto?

Steve: Me? Are you kidding?

Fiona: [Tosses cigarette pack] Canadian health warnings.

Steve: I, uh, smuggled him over the border in the trunk of my car. Uh, they didn't check going in.

Fiona: How'd you get him in the trunk?

Steve: He was so plastered, he would have jumped into a coffin.

Fiona: And why Canada?

Steve: Uh, I had to run a car to Detroit. Plan was dump him someplace weird in Michigan, Flint maybe. When I saw the signs for Toronto, the idea kind of just... snowballed.

Fiona: And you think it-it's funny?

Steve: No. Funny would have been Newfoundland.

[Frank is now in a police station jail cell]

Frank: How the hell did I end up in Canada?! Hey! I hate fucking Canada.

Desk sergeant: Keep it down in there.

Frank: I'm an American. Apple pie, lower 48, Air Supply.

Desk sergeant: If you're an American, where's your passport?

Frank: I don't have one! I told you, I never had a passport. I don't want a passport.

Desk sergeant: Shut up and sleep it off, okay?

Frank: Why would I want to come to Canada? So your national health care can make me wait 60 years for a new kidney? The whole country's a bunch of parka-wearing, draft-dodging, chickenshit cowards who didn't have the balls to stay home and fight the Vietcong to preserve our American way of life. No snow at the Winter Olympics? What the hell was that?!

Cell neighbour: ♪ O Canada... ♪

Frank: It's the Winter Olympics!

Cell neighbour: ♪ Our home and native land ♪

Frank: What are you doing? Holding your cocks, handing out maple leaf sugarloafs?

Cell neighbour: ♪ True patriot love... ♪

Frank: You couldn't even get the Olympic torch to fucking light!

Cell neighbour: ♪ In all thy sons command. ♪ That a Chicago accent?

Frank: Who said that?

Cell neighbour: PhD... University of Chicago, school of economics.

Frank: Oh, man, thank you. Tell him, will ya...? Just tell him I'm an American. Hey, there's a guy back here knows I'm an American.

Cell neighbour: I can help. Got any money?

Frank: What?

Cell neighbour: Cigarettes?

Frank: No. I don't have anything. Think you can get close enough to those bars for a reach around hand job?

Debbie: Welcome home, Daddy. You decent? Thought you might be thirsty. [Hands him beer bottle] It's Canadian. There's more in fridge. I asked Veronica to get it.

Frank: I don't want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on. There's no hot water. For fuck's sake!

Fiona: [Fiona hands envelope to him] Disability. It's Saturday. Bank's close at 12:00.

Fiona: [To Debbie] Clean clothes, top of the dryer. [To Frank] Don't ever hit one of my kids again.

Frank: Your kids? They're my...

Fiona: Never again.

Frank: Is he still here?

Fiona: Who, Steve? He's probably still outside.

Frank: Well, tell him he's not welcome in my house.

Fiona: He's the one who got you back.

Frank: Why would he do that? Hmm? When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir. Middle of a park... Drakkar Noir. I just spent five hours with him in that camper. Same fucking smell! Wish you'd taken a camera. Total shithole. Hey, what's urine and Canadian beer have in common? They both come from pussies. Bet you're the only one who missed me.

Fiona: No, 'cause Carl said, "The cable's off. Where's the ladder?" And Lip said, "Dad's the only one who knows what to do on the pole." Did you see Toronto?

Frank: Yeah.

Fiona: CN Tower?

Frank: Christ, yeah! You can see right across all of Canada from the top. I didn't stay up there long, though. Don't know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn't take their eyes off me, like, "Hey, I'm having that guy." Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down. Bits of Canada are beautiful. You just have to know your way around.

Fiona: Do you now?

Frank: Oh, ho-ho-ho. Every inch.

Aunt Ginger [1.03]

Steve: And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?

Kev: Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Fiona: Here's your burrito. Six-fifty.

Steve: Hey, keep the change.

Fiona: No, thanks.

[Lip and Karen are walking down the street]

Karen: An hour and 54 minutes. Now, that's a record.

Lip: Yes. Now all we have to do is figure out how I can go back the same day and take it again for another kid. [Mickey and two goons walk up to them] Uh-oh.

Mickey: Hey, yo.

Lip: What do they want?

Karen: He probably just wants to ask me out again.

Lip: You're not interested?

Karen: If you like the smell of cow shit.

Mickey: Got a B-plus on that paper you wrote for me.

Lip: Spread the word. I could use the business. Heard they're letting Iggy out of juvie.

Mickey: My mom drove up to get him. Throwing a party for him this weekend.

Lip: He'll probably be back in before then, yeah?

Mickey: Ha, ha, probably. So Ian messed with Mandy.

Lip: Ian?

Mickey: Yeah.

Lip: That's, uh, highly unlikely.

Mickey: That's what Mandy told us.

Lip: Trust me, you got the wrong guy.

Mickey: Right, the problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's gotta get a beatdown till we find him.

Lip: Could make an exception.

Mickey: Not really, though.

Lip: Well, maybe, uh, Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the 10th grade she's already blown. [Mickey jabs Lip in the gut with a pole who falls down and the other two goons join in stomping Lip]

Fiona: This is Aunt Ginger?

Frank: In the flesh.

Fiona: Ginger has a hard-on.

Frank: She was born with a large clitoris. As kids, we were told to keep our hugs brief

Fiona: Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?

Frank: You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.

Fiona: Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.

Casey Casden [1.04]

Eddie: Went to see a lawyer. It turns out I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you two. [Glances at Frank] Three.

Karen: Why can't you stay with Uncle Ray?

Eddie: He's got gangrene. You ever smell a rotting foot? Hey. Why don't you get me a refill there, huh, Karen, honey?

Karen: What, did you lose your fucking legs?

Eddie: Yeah, that's your teenage, diseased mind talking. You know, you tasted penii, and now you're just crazy.

Kevin: [He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.

Veronica: What?

Kevin: [Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!

...

Fiona: Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Steve: Tall grande latte, two shots.

Fiona: Sugar?

Steve: Absolutely. Kids home?

Fiona: Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.

Steve: That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Fiona: Lunch?

Steve: It's a euphemism.

Fiona: How quaint.

Steve: Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?

Fiona: Liam?

Steve: Get a sitter.

Fiona: Costs too much.

Steve: How much?

Fiona: At least 50 bucks.

Fiona: You're not paying me to fuck you.

Steve: No, I couldn't pay you enough.

[They hear a distant thud]

Fiona: Did you hear that?

Steve: No.

Fiona: You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?

[Thudding]

Steve: Liam?

Fiona: He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

[Thudding]

Fiona: You stay with Liam.

Steve: Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

Fiona: Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.

Debbie: I... came back.

Fiona: Are you okay?

Debbie: Katie Crasden's having a party.

Fiona: Katie Crasden?

Debbie: Two streets over.

Steve: And she... didn't invite you?

Fiona: She's only three. What happened?

Debbie: Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Fiona: Her dad did what?

Debbie: He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.

Fiona: What wasn't fair? What?

Debbie: Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.

Fiona: Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?

Debbie: What?

Fiona: You nearly gave me a heart attack.

[Fiona and Steve glance in Debbie's room and see Katie Crasden's brother Casey in his kiddie chair]

[Police cruisers pull up Casey Casden's family house]

Frank: Oh, here we go! No traffic tickets to issue today? No one to pull over for swinging wide on a left-hand turn? Or is this a supportive "friend party" for a cop who shot some poor fucker wasn't even armed?! Leave the people around here alone. They're good folks!

Police officer: Who are the parents? Let's go, people. Out of the way. Your child's missing?

Officer Tony: [Bullhorn] We're looking for a missing boy named Casey. Last seen wearing a Superman costume. Two years old. Any information would be greatly appreciated. No questions asked.

Colleague: Why the fuck wouldn't we ask questions?

Officer Tony: Because we want people to feel safe.

Colleague: How do you find out what happened if you don't ask questions? You understand the premise, right?

Officer Tony: People feel safe, they give information, we find the kid.

Colleague: Safe, my ass. I'm asking questions. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna ask fucking questions.

Officer Tony: That's what you do. Go ahead. Yeah, sure. You do what you want to do. [Bullhorn] Casey Casden, last seen wearing a Superman costume.

Frank: When I was a kid, we could go to a birthday party and our parents wouldn't worry that we were gonna get stolen out of the front yard by some perv. That's when America had values. Before Wal-Mart and Dukakis, peanut butter and jelly in one jar. [To an officer] You know, you're too young to remember this, but there was a time when policemen were respected, when young men wanted to fight for their country. When you could go vote twice for Mayor Daley, down at the 11th Ward. Before some liberal pricks elected a Muslim who isn't even American?

Three Boys [1.05]

Fiona: Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?

Veronica: Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.

Fiona: I never saw that.

Veronica: Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.

Veronica: What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.

Carl: It can be both if you want.

Doctor: Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?

Frank: Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.

Doctor: Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.

Frank: Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.

[Referring to Veronica's brother Marty who was just discharged from prison]

Fiona: Is he retarded?

Veronica: I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.

Killer Carl [1.06]

[Fiona bursts into Alibi Room to confront Frank]

Fiona: Jesus, Frank! Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?

Frank: Did they follow you here? Where is it? I was invited to participate in a business venture.

Fiona: What did you do with the money?

Frank: That's just it! I wasn't given any money up front! I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.

Fiona: Has that promise been delivered upon?

Frank: No. No, it has not.

Fiona: I warned you, Frank. [To Kevin] You knew about this and you didn't tell me?

Kevin: Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.

Frank: I'll talk to them.

Fiona: Oh, yeah? And say what? "Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."

Frank: I was not doing the igniting. I was just doing the "park in a remote location." Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.

Fiona: You're gonna take care of this. Now.

Frank: Could go to Jersey for a while. Stay with you. Great Uncle George.

Fiona: No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl. [Presents a notice letter from school] He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems. [Flashback to Carl assaulting other boys]

Frank: These sound like solutions, not problems.

Fiona: The school disagrees.

Frank: He's a boy. This is what boys do! When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.

Fiona: Oh, that's got to be bullshit.

Frank: Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex. She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.

Fiona: They're threatening to expel him. Well, go talk 'em out of it. They want a parent. A real parent.

Kevin: Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.

Frank: I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now. I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles! They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters. Well, do your research! We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating. So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!

[Two thugs enter the Alibi Room]

Frank: Oh, shit. [He runs out back door]

School principal: This is it?

Fiona: This is his brother. Uh, Phillip.

School principal: Very good to see you again, sir.

Fiona: Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh, and while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply him.

School principal: I told you I wanted to see a parent.

Fiona: We just opened the letter today.

Teacher: I gave Carl the letter last week.

Steve: So you're relying on a nine-year-old to deliver important correspondence?

Teacher: You don't seem to have a home phone.

Fiona: Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.

School principal: This is not up for negotiation. Your brother is on the verge of being expelled, and unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken before he can be bounced, and a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.

Fiona: Please, you can't do this. I mean, he loves school.

Teacher: More potential victims here, I suppose.

Fiona: No, all his friends are here. Can you stop it? I'm serious. He needs more structure, we know.

School principal: What Carl needs is medication, a near-death experience, or a lobotomy.

School principal: I'm placing a call to social services. A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.

Steve: [He enters office] Hello all. Uh, sorry I was late. I got held up at the office. So, now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've filed the paperwork so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.

Teacher: Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?

Fiona: Uh, U's?

Teacher: As in unsatisfactory.

School principal: But don't think of U as in unsatisfactory. Think of U as in F.

Fiona: As in failed?

School principal: As in fucked. I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. Now, something drastic must be done, or he's going to slip down through the cracks, right up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

Teacher: Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.

Fiona: It's just a phase. And... now that we're aware of it...

School principal: Too late! This Norman Rockwell display might warm the cockles of some other fool who believes no fucking child, not even the budding psychotics, should be left behind, but the fact is, the sooner Carl is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.

Steve: More of a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings? [Referring to terrapin turtle sculptures]

School principal: What? What's that? More of a Mickey Hart fan than a Norman Rockwell fan. Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.

Steve: Could you all excuse us for a second?

School principal: For what?

Steve: If we could just take a walk and talk in private? Get a breath of fresh air?

[Carl's school principal and Steve are bonding over marijuana consumption]

School principal: No one around here really knows those terrapins are a Grateful Dead thing. The kids call 'em Mr. G's turtles. Shit, man, they don't even know who the Grateful Dead are. Ah, man. The summer of 1979. The best summer of my life. Followed the Dead around the Midwest. Supported myself selling grilled cheese in the parking lot. Yeah, they made great music. Their music blows. But their female fans, were a bunch of patchouli-soaked sluts who all wanted to ball their first black guy. I never embraced tokenism with more gusto. Those terrapins were a parting gift from this Skidmore chick who sucked me off like I had diamonds buried in the bottom of my ball sack. Whoo! Man... this is some good shit.

[School principal and teacher are bonding over marijuana consumption]

School principal: Hey, uh, uh, you ever been with a black guy?

Teacher: Does rape count?

School principal: Um...

Teacher: I was acquitted. [They both burst out laughing]

Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father [1.07]

Lip: Nice jacket Kash bought you.

Ian: Thanks.

Mandy: Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff.

Truck driver: [Approaches] Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Lip: Yeah?

Truck driver: You got a phone?

Lip: What, your truck break down?

Truck driver: No, genius, I like standing in a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands. I'm already two hours late on this load. I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get. My goddamn kid drained my phone playing "Doodle Jump." My goddamn wife took my charger. I'll give you 5 bucks if you let me use your phone. Just one call.

Lip: Oh, we don't have a phone. Our dad says not till we're 18. Um, but you know what? There's a bar, I think, about 10 blocks that way. What's it called? Uh, O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's. Tell them your family's from County Cork.

Truck driver: Ten blocks?

Lip: Maybe five. Straight shot.

Truck driver: This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck.

Lip: Five bucks? Oh, cool. Thanks, mister.

Truck driver: Hey, hey. Make sure no one gets near it.

Lip: Will do. [Whips out cellphone] Yo, Kev. Forty-third and Halsted. Bring a crowbar.

Frank: You buy watches?

Pawn appraiser: Buy, trade.

Frank: I need cash.

Pawn appraiser: Twenty years with the ITC. Sure you wanna part with this, Eddie?

Frank: That's 24-karat gold. Best there is. Test it, you'll see. [Pawn appraiser walks to back of store]

Pawn appraiser: Damn Palestinians, huh? It's like they come out of the womb wearing a suicide vest, am I right, ha, ha? You ask me, we should just give you guys the green light, take them all out. I believe in a two-state solution. Don't know why you yids get such a bad rap... for being greedy, controlling the media... circumcision making everyone get their dicks cut. Killing our Lord and Savior? Everyone knows that was Pontius Pilate, not you.

Pawn appraiser: $35.

Frank: $250.

Pawn appraiser: $35.

Frank: The hell? Ugh. You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.

Pawn appraiser: $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Frank: [He leaves store and shouts generally] Mel Gibson was right!

[Fiona bursts into Alibi Room]

Fiona: Bills. From our creditors. You've been buying stuff using our names?

Frank': Never used your name.

Fiona: Do you know how much debt your kids are in?

Frank': Seventy-five hundred. I couldn't get them to raise the limit.

Fiona: Plus interest.

Frank': It's the credit-card company you should blame. I didn't cause the downfall of the American economy. The president said, "Spend." I spent. Where's my Purple Heart?

Fiona: [Fiona walks over the the bar's TV] Is that a new flat-screen?

Jess: Smashed the first one when he was on crystal microdot.

Frank': Meanwhile, some guy named Paco is jumping a fence and taking my job. Where's the justice? Sends for his whole family, packs them in, 20 to a room. Guess who's supporting them. Me. My taxes. What happened to personal responsibility?

Fiona: Never use their names again. [She leaves]

Frank: You're a liberal.

Linda: [Showing her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?

Kash: No.

Linda: You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.

Kash: Register matches inventory.

Linda: Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy Elliot cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face. [Kash turns off TV] What? We were just getting to the climax. Literally. [Ian enters store]

Ian: Linda, I just got your message. What's up? [Linda walks over to Ian and punches him in the face]

Linda: That's for screwing my husband.

Kash: What are you gonna tell the kids?

Linda: I'm not.

Kash: What about my mom?

Linda: You bastard. What about me?

Kash: Do you want me to go?

Linda: Where does that leave me? Starting over? I'm a white Muslim. I want another baby.

Kash: What?

Linda: I get what I want, and you can have what you want. Behind closed doors. I don't wanna be the laughing stock of the mosque. But no touching the forbidden fruit until I'm knocked up. We clear?

Ian: I'm sorry.

Linda: You're not fired. My opinion? You could do better.

It's Time To Kill The Turtle [1.08]

[Frank is lying in a hospital bed]

Colleague 1: I don't think he's gonna wake up.

Dr. Seery: Mr. Gallagher? Mr. Gallagher?

Frank: What the bejesus?

Dr. Seery: Sorry. We tried smelling salts, caffeine injections, ice baths.

Frank: Where am I?

Colleague 1: In the hospital.

Colleague 2: You've been unconscious for two days with alcohol poisoning.

Frank: Ah, that's nothing. Back in '95, I was out for eight days.

Dr. Seery: Wait, wait. Hold on a second. I'm Dr. Seery. These are my residents. We have a proposition for you.

Frank: You're hot, but it's been awhile since I've been with a dude. Never mind two.

Dr. Seery: You've misunderstood. Uh, we'd like you to participate in our medical study.

Frank: Your what?

Dr. Seery: In my career, I've never seen such a spectacular display of alcoholism.

Frank: Thank you.

Dr. Seery: Would you abstain from alcohol for two weeks?

Frank: No.

Dr. Seery: We could offer you $3000.

Frank: Yes.

[The family is at a bowling alley and Frank is performing hyper enthusiastically]

Lip: Guys, don't get too used to this, okay?

Debbie: What?

Lip: Well, Dad's not always gonna be so nice.

Carl: Yes, he will.

Lip: No. Not when he starts drinking again, okay? He'll go back to his ways. I don't want you getting hurt.

Debbie: Hurt?

Lip: Yeah, um... Remember that turtle you had last summer?

Debbie: Walter?

Lip: Yeah, yeah, Walter. And you guys were really, really into him for like two weeks, and you talked to him and you fed him. I mean, you took him everywhere with you, right? But after a while, you know, you guys got busy with other things, so Walter's water never got changed and nobody fed him. Then like two months later, Debs, you wanted to show off Walter to your friend Susie, and you guys started looking for him and when you found him, he was all dried up and dead. Now, you see, you guys are that turtle, okay? And Dad's you. You get what I'm saying?

Carl: Dad's buying us another turtle?

Lip: No. No, no. Forget it. Never mind.

Debbie: Don't worry, Lip, I get it. Daddy's gonna forget about us when he starts drinking again. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts if that's okay.

Lip: Yeah. Sure, Debs. That's, um... That's a good plan. It took you long enough.

Debbie: We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.

Lip: Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?

Debbie: Oh, right.

Lip: Hey, I'm going out. What's up?

Fiona: Hard day. Why are you so upset with Dad?

Lip: Fiona, we've, uh, been through this before. Remember? The last time Dad was sober.

Fiona: Yeah. So?

Lip: He, uh, had a bet with some guy at the bar and became the perfect dad. It was the first time he ever came to little league. And, uh, I hit a double. Fucking never saw him so proud. You knew he was gonna go back to his regular shitty self.

Fiona: No, that's, uh, the thing. I didn't know.

But At Last Came A Knock [1.09]

Karen: Fuck off.

Eddie: How'd you know it was me? I was talking to my Promisemakers group, and... I want you to know that I understand that so much of your bad behavior is my responsibility. If you leave a dog in the house alone for more than eight hours, you can't get mad at him for peeing the rug, right? I found this... in an album in the basement. I don't know... maybe we can try to... capture more moments like these together.

Lou Deckner: Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?

Frank: No. Why- why would it be a problem?

Lou Deckner: If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.

Sheila: Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.

Debbie: That's like lying.

Sheila: No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Ian: What did I miss with Mom?

Lip: You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?

Ian: Yeah.

Lip: Turns out he's the good one.

Fiona: This is about you. This is about what you didn’t do. This is about what I did. And you know what? I did a fucking great job. Debbie’s class president. She’s on the debate team, going on nationals. And Lip, he’s top of his class. He’s set the curve. Ian got promoted on ROTC and he tested out of English. And Carl made something blow up for his science fair. And you know what? They did it all, no thanks to you, because you weren’t here.

Nana Gallagher Had an Affair [1.10]

Ian: It's kind of hard to explain.

Lip: Try me.

Ian: Mickey's gay and we're doing it. And Kash shot Mickey because of me. Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay. So I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. When Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it and is blackmailing Kash into have another kid.

Lip: Holy shit.

Ian: Yeah.

Karen: My actions have been unlady-like and base in nature and for that I'm truly sorry.

Purity Ball host: Karen. In order for you to receive the gift of purity, you need to be as honest as you can. It's okay, sweetheart. Just tell what happened.

Karen: Um, well, okay, heh. I started having oral sex at a very young age. Maybe 13. It was guys around the neighborhood. Three or four at first and then, well, more than three or four. I didn't have intercourse until the 8th grade. I didn't like it at first but then around the 6th time it started to feel good. Really good. But I didn't feel good about it. Um, there was a few times where I got high and started experimenting with guys and girls at the same time. I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around which felt very good but kind of bad all at the same time. Then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover when we all got in the shower and started soaping each other up. Her mom walked in and freaked out when she saw Mindy with a big, black, strap-on dildo.

Eddie: You whore! Whores don't get cars.

Monica: There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.

Frank: You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.

Fiona: Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?

Lip: Uh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.

Frank: Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?

Ian: All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.

Debbie: Dad has brothers?

Lip: He has two, right?

Fiona: Three.

Roberta: I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.

Frank: She gonna leave me again with six kids? Leave me to deal with all the shit?

Fiona: You mean leave me to deal with the shit.

Monica: I didn't leave you. You drove me out. No self-respecting person could stay with you. You treated me like a dog.

Frank: Hey.

Fiona: Hey. You need to let us raise Liam. I don't care what the tests results say, Liam belongs with us.

Monica: Nobody's taking Liam.

Frank: I can't believe you want a divorce.

Fiona: What?

Monica: Me and Bob deserve a family of our own.

Fiona: You had a family. You left it.

Frank: I didn't leave you. He drove me out.

Fiona: You should have protected us.

Monica: I tried but I couldn't. Fiona, if I didn't leave, I would have died.

Fiona: Oh, cut the shit, Myrna Loy.

Monica: You have no idea what it was like being married to him. You have no idea how bad it is.

Fiona: Yeah? Try me.

Fiona: Oh, come on, now. Okay. I know that he tortured you. I know that he ruined you. But we didn't marry him, Mom. You did. If you love us, any of us, in any way... you'll leave Liam, take your girlfriend' get in your truck and never come back.

Sheila: What's the matter with you?

Eddie: Did she tell you? Did she tell you what she said?

Sheila: You called our daughter a whore.

Eddie: How about what she did to me?

Sheila: Just get out. Out.

Eddie: What?

Sheila: Just get out. Get out! Get out! [She starts shoving him out of the house]

Eddie: Did she mention what she did to me?

Sheila: She's a human being. She deserves love, not hate.

Eddie: You weren't there. I knew all those people.

Sheila: Don't ever come back. Don't come back!

Eddie: She just kept going on and on.

Sheila: Go! Get out! Don't ever come back. Forever! [Eddie gets in vehicle and drives away with Frank walking by] Frank. Frank, did you see what Eddie did to my Karen?

Frank: You're out of the house.

Sheila: What?

Frank: You're out of the house.

Sheila: L... I got so mad I came out of the house. I'm out of the house!

Daddyz Girl [1.11]

[Officer Tony is watching Steve get into his vehicle outside the Gallagher residence from a patrol cruiser with a colleague]

Colleague: You satisfied?

Officer Tony: I just can't believe it.

Colleague: Hey, you win some, you lose some.

Officer Tony: What does she see in him?

Colleague: Ass, gas and cash. Did you see his Porsche?

Officer Tony: Fiona's not like that.

Colleague: Face it, women think with their vaginas.

Gary: Six months ago, guy fell off a scaffold at McNally Construction. He broke three bones. I could send you over there.

Frank: Sounds good, if it weren't for my fear of heights. What else you got?

Gary: How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye?

Frank: Not so great.

Gary: Okay, look. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots?

Frank: No.

Gary: Okay, what about seared flesh? Yeah, Bobby's Bagel Joint is hiring. I got a gal, she stuck her hand in the boiling vat. She'll be collecting for at least 24 months.

Frank: Suppose if I had to. Anything else?

Gary: Okay. Here we go. These are the jobs nobody wants. The conditions are hazardous, unsafe... or both. You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Ian: [About their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.

Lip: He can't be any worse than Frank.

Ian: He's a Gallagher.

Lip: Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?

Debbie: I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?

Frank: I prefer to think of it as helping.

Debbie: You do?

Frank: Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Tony: How long you been stealing cars?

Steve: Who says I steal them? [Tony slams breaks to bang Steve's face] Ow! Fuck!

Tony: You were in a Cayenne yesterday, hot-wiring a 911 today.

Steve: No, no, no. I lost my keys. Motherfucker!

Tony: How long?

Steve: As long as I've been fucking Fiona for. [Tony slams breaks to bang Steve's face] Oh, fuck!

Tony: Second place sucks, huh?

Steve: Think this is only about Fiona?

Tony: Well, it fuckin' seems that way!

Steve: Yeah?

Tony: It's also about the little operation you got going on.

Steve: Yeah, I could cut you in.

Tony: Oh, yeah? You bribing an officer?

Steve: Wait, wait. The way that I figure it, there's not much you can do. You bring me in, you risk Fiona hating you forever.

Tony: Yeah. Yeah, that's how I see it, too. So, uh, I'm gonna leave it up to you.

Steve: What the hell does that mean, huh?

Tony: Come here. You got two choices: You could turn yourself in, spend a couple of years in jail. Of course, by the time you get out, Fiona and I'll be married.

Steve: In your dreams. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait. What's the second choice?

Tony: You could save your ass.

Steve: How?

Tony: Disappear tonight. Walk away. Just leave everything behind. Don't go back to your house. Don't call her. Don't say good-bye. Just leave. But you have to decide right now.

Father Frank, Full Of Grace [1.12]

Ian: If I get convicted, I can't enlist.

Lip: What? In the Marines? Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.

Ian: I was hoping for Korengal.

Lip: Isn't that where, uh, Todd Iggulden's brother lost a foot?

Ian: Got him the Silver Star.

Lip: Yeah?

Ian: And a handicapped placard to hang from the mirror of his mom's Civic.

Officer: Phillip Gallagher.

Officer: No relation to our favorite overnight guest Frank, I hope.

Lip: Son.

Officer: You're Frank's kid? And this is your first felony bust? Getting a little late start for a Gallagher, aren't you?

Lip: Slow study, I guess.

Officer: And Ian. Another Frank progeny?

Lip: 'Fraid so.

Officer: You always let your brother speak for you, Ian?

Lip: He's mute. I can talk.

Officer: So, what... you two geniuses stole a Porsche Cayenne and, what, decided to go on a little late-night White Castle run? Come on, Ian. You do not want to do time. Not with that face.

Lip: I stole the car. Ian didn't know anything about it.

Frank: Set 'em up, Mr. Barkeep.

Kevin: Just had last call, Frank.

Frank: So there's still time.

Kevin: All right. One.

Frank: Rot-gut. Cheapest stuff you got in the house. [Kevin pours him several shots in one glass at Frank's insistence] So, uh, Kev. Just out of curiosity, do you happen to know the age of consent in Illinois? [Kevin stares at him totally unimpressed and walks away]

Debbie: Fiona?

Fiona: Debs, why aren't you in bed?

Debbie: We need to talk.

Fiona: What's up?

Debbie: It's about Steve. There are things you don't know about him.

Fiona: I already know, Debs.

Debbie: You do?

Fiona: Life's messy and people have secrets. But I don't want you worrying about this kind of stuff, okay? You're still a kid. So just be a kid, okay? The grown-ups around here have got things covered.

Debbie: Really?

Fiona: Really. Come on.

[Eddie bursts into Alibi Room after chasing Frank]

Eddie: Where is he?

Kevin: Where is who?

Eddie: Frank. Frank Gallagher!

Kevin: He's not here!

Eddie: If you happen to see Frank... tell him he's a dead man. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care how much he begs, he's fucking dead. You fucked the wrong guy's daughter, Gallagher!

Frank: He gone?

Kevin: Yeah.

Frank: Anybody got a spare pair of shoes I could borrow?

Steve: Leave the lights off, please. Are Lip and Ian home?

Fiona: You bastard.

Steve: Are they out of jail?

Fiona: You gave them a stolen car?

Steve: Yeah, Lip asked me. To borrow one 'cause he needed to run some errands or something, and he asked me if I could... I have to leave town.

Fiona: Where the fuck have you been?

Steve: Come with me. Costa Rica. It's beautiful. I have friends there. Why do you have to go to the police? Costa Rica. We can rent a house on the beach.

Fiona: I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Steve: The kids would be all right. Lip and Ian can run things. Yeah, Debbie? Carl? Liam? Kev and V can still help around here.

Fiona: Is that what you actually think this is? Like, people popping in, feeding dogs? How much time will you get if you turn yourself in?

Steve: Look at me. I can't go to jail. I might as well wear heels. Come with me, Fiona. How long is it gonna be about them and not about you? When are you gonna finally do something for yourself? Liam's two. 16 more years till he's out of the house. You'll be what, 37, 38? And who says that Frank's done dumping babies in your lap to raise? You deserve a life of your own. Costa Rica. Then maybe Rio. Have you ever been to Rio? You ever been outside of Chicago? I love you. I want to be with you. It's not forever. We'll come back. Three months. Six months. Maybe a year.You can call them very single day. Come with me, Fiona. Come with me. First class. Miami out of O'Hare, tomorrow afternoon.

Fiona:Well, I don't have a passport.

Steve: We'll get one in Miami. I'll meet you at O'Hare tomorrow afternoon. the American terminal. I love you.

Lip: He's right. You should go, Fiona. You've done more than enough. We'll be all right.