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Scary Movie 3

2003 film by David Zucker

Scary Movie 3 is a 2003 spoof of movies such as The Ring, Signs, 8 Mile and The Matrix. Directed by David Zucker and written by Craig Mazin and Pat Proft.

Brenda Meeks

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  • I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car.
  • Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole!
  • Hell with you.

Sayaman

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  • [After accidentally killing Tom's wife with his truck] Tom, I'm gonna need a ride home.

Cody

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  • (telling future to a pregnant woman) It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
  • (pointing at a man's toupee) That's not fooling anyone.
  • Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
  • (standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom) You're getting lucky tonight. (to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand) He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

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  • My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
  • I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda.
  • She scared the horses, killed the puppies, hid the remote. Really sick shit. My wife killed her by drowning her in a nearby well. I thought a time-out would have been fine.

Simon Cowell

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  • [after watching a rap battle] I thought you were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. [both rappers pull out their guns and shoot him].

President Harris

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  • Right. Let's see if we can steer that course keeping everybody deeply disturbed. We don't want a panic. Very few presidents have faced a crisis like this. [goes over to a portrait of President Ford] I wonder what President Ford would've done. Well, if the buck stops here... The buck stops here.
  • [after the rappers kill each other in a shoot-out] These men died for their country; send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom

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  • [Holding Michael Jackson outside of a window] How do you like it?

Dialogue

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Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. (looks down at breasts) Aah! Oh, my God, turn it off!
Kate: It's not working!
Becca: It's backwards!
Kate: What do we do?
Becca: I don't know! Aaahhhh!
(the two run to the TV and shut it off.)
Kate: That was kind of scary.
Becca: I know something even scarier.
Kate: Ooh, what?
Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-
Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-
Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!
Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! (hits Kate with pillow)
Kate: Oh, yes I was! (hits Becca with chair)
Becca: You ho! (smashes glass vase on Kate's head)
Kate: You know it! (whacks Becca with closed laptop)
Mahalik: But what if we stopped living over here, and started living over there?
CJ: Shit, my Aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.
Mahalik: For what?
CJ: Mice.
Mahalik: I thought she had rats?
CJ: No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!
(on the phone)
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What?
Tabitha's Voice: (slightly more clear) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: (perfectly audible) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that. [Hangs up]
Cindy: Hello?
ShaNeequa: I know. You're Cindy. Be right with you.
Cindy: Aunt ShaNeequa?
ShaNeequa: Bingo. But you can call me the Oracle. And don't worry about that vase.
Cindy: What vase? [Bumps into a vase but it doesn't fall off] Oh! Sorry. I didn't know. [Walks into a doric column with a vase braining her] Oh! Aah!
ShaNeequa: That vase. Please, sit. [Cindy sits and farts]
Cindy: It was the chair.
ShaNeequa: Mmm. [Farting loudly] Yes, the chair. I know why you've come. A great mystery lies ahead of you, but you must not shy away from the challenge. Only you can be the one... [Orpheus enters and turns on TV] Orpheus?
Orpheus: What, baby?
ShaNeequa: Sweetie?
Orpheus: I'm watching the game.
ShaNeequa: Do you mind? The Lakers will win by 12. [Orpheus raises both hands and drops TV remote on ground in expressed displeasure]
Cindy: So can you tell me about-
ShaNeequa: The tape?
Cindy: Yes. I watched it and-
ShaNeequa: The phone rang.
Cindy: Right. Then this voice said-
ShaNeequa: That you would die.
Cindy: Okay, that's getting-
ShaNeequa: Extremely annoying.
Cindy: Yeah.
Orpheus: Try being married to her. I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.
ShaNeequa: You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it. [They start playing tape]
Cindy: Yes. Okay. ShaNeequa, can you tell me if... The tape is connected to the crop circles and the aliens?
ShaNeequa: Yes. But it's up to you to discover how for yourself.
Cindy: Look, it's a...
ShaNeequa: Cigarette?
Cindy: I was going to say lighthouse.
Orpheus: Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.
Cindy: Wait. What is that? [Picks fly off TV woman's nose] Oh, my God. [Fly flies away and flies back to its original spot]
ShaNeequa: [ShaNeequa grabs a flyswatter and swats screen with TV woman reacting] There we go! [TV woman retaliates with flyswatter on ShaNeequa] Ugh!
Orpheus: Now, baby!
ShaNeequa: I knew that was gonna happen!
Orpheus: Uh-oh. Come on.
[TV woman whistles and brushes hair nonchalantly]
Shaneequa: Oh, hell, no! [Grabs TV woman] Get your ass out of the TV! What's wrong with you? I'm gonna teach you! Get out of that TV!
Orpheus: [Manhandles her away] Baby, no! No! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! We gonna get another lawsuit!
ShaNeequa: She spit on me! I'm gonna kill the bitch!
Orpheus: Ah! You won! You won! You won! You won! Upstairs!
ShaNeequa: Okay!
Orpheus: [They do high-fives and low-fives] Down low!
ShaNeequa: Okay! All right!
Orpheus: [Lunges again] Baby, no!
ShaNeequa: Kill her!
Orpheus: Is you crazy?! Baby!
ShaNeequa: [Laughs while holding clump of hair] What you gonna brush now? What you gonna brush now, huh?
Orpheus: Come on, baby!
ShaNeequa: You picked the wrong TV to come out of! [TV woman falls down beaten]
George: [At Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?
Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
Cindy: Fine.
Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
(Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again)
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)
Cindy: (gasps) No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
Cindy: Fine. (writes the message down) Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. (Cindy holds the paper up, which reads SEVEN DAYS) AAAAHHH!!
Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the videotape?
The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Cindy: Sedulant? I, uh...
The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? What about... (holds up dictionary) contingent affirmation? That's gotta mean something.
Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
(Cindy types new text for the teleprompter)
Ross: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward: [Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard] Oh, no. [Rushes over to Cindy] Campbell, are you insane?!
Ross: It's a horrible fate.
Cindy: Carson, I have to do this!
[Ward shoves Cindy out of the way and types new text; Cindy comes back and the two begin fighting for control of the teleprompter keyboard.]
Ross: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
[The Janitor tries to break the fight up; in the process, he ends up sitting on the keyboard.]
Ross: O shizl gzngahr BBBBBTTTTTGGGGTGGGGTGGGG shzn blah hary % + 7, , 1 9 3 4 19 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 4 6 9
[Ward and Cindy knock each other to the ground and continue fighting, leaving the Janitor to take over the keyboard. He smirks as he types, then leaves the studio.]
Ross: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
Mahalik: You know Jamal, from 92nd Street? This morning, he woke up dead!
CJ: How in the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik: 'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ: You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik: You can't go to bed dead! That shit would be redundant.
CJ: No, it wouldn't. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.
Mahalik: But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place, foo'!
CJ: Damn! That's some quantum shit right there, man!
Cindy: All you need is a family...
George: And we can be that family.
(Tabitha turns into a little girl)
Tabitha: Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.
Cindy: Really?
(Tabitha turns back into a corpse)
Tabitha: Nah! I'm just screwing with you! (she raises a knife)
(President Harris opens the door and unknowingly hits Tabitha, causing her to fall in the well)
President Harris: I just wanted to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you.
(Tom gets hit in the groin with a plank of wood)
Tom: Argh! My balls!
(George brings him two bowling balls, and hits him in the balls with them again)
Tom: No, not those... Jesus!
(George runs up with a plastic Jesus statue)
Tom: No!
Trooper Champlin: This... is your wife. (snaps a hot dog in half)
Tom: She broke her weiner?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) Tom, look what happens to the taco. (breaks a taco in half)
Tom: I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!
Trooper Champlin: Your wife is split in half.
Tom: (splitting a sub sandwich down the middle) You mean like, down the middle in half?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.
Tom: You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin: Yes.
Tom: Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. (pulls out a donut) Can I spend a little time with that?
Trooper Champlin: I don't understand what you mean.
Tom: (now holding a hot dog) Okay, let me explain.
Trooper Champlin: Tom... go to her.
Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery!
Annie: (shouts) No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand. (dies)
Agent Thompson: Room is secure, Mr President.
President Harris: Or is it?
Agent Thompson: Sir?
President Harris: I've been thinking, Thompson. [suspiciously looking at all the attendees in the White House] What if the aliens could take over human bodies, they'd look just like us? Or almost?
Agent Thompson: I'd never thought of that, sir. We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.
President Harris: They can be anywhere. Even...
Agent Thompson: [worriedly] Right here. [intensely] My God, we'd never see the attack coming. It's frightening, sir.
President Harris: Don't panic. [quietly] We'll just move slowly toward the exit.
(Cindy sees George unconscious on the table. He begins to wake up)
Cindy: George, what happened?
George: I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... (looks down at gameboard) Yahtzee! (stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again)
President Harris: Isn't this great? Humans and aliens working together. We're one big, happy, intergalactic family.
George: Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.
President Harris: Well, that's because you're an idiot.

Taglines

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  • Great Trilogies Come In Threes.

Cast

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Rapper cameos

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In one memorable scene many rappers appeared to assist in the climatic battle with the aliens and a shootout ensued between them in which no one survived. They were played by:

See also

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Wikipedia
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