Married... with Children (season 9)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

Driving Mr. Boondy [9.2]

Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.

Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."

Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!

Bud:[intimidated at the prospects of Al embarassing him at home] You passed.

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Al: A driving test huh. So go ahead gimme you best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.

Bud: Boondy. Al Boondy.

[Bud reveals himself with a smug look on his face and Al is upset about it.]

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Al: All right you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.

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Al:[answers the phone] Hello Peg.

Peg: How'd you know it was me, Al?

Al: I actually heard God laugh.

Kelly Breaks Out [9.3]

Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.

Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?

Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.

Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?

[Kelly opens the front door]

Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!

Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

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Al: Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.

Sleepless In Chicago [9.8]

Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

No Pot to Pease in [9.9]

Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...

Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.

Al: That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.

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TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!

A Man For No Seasons [9.11]

[Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers, after reading about the Working Man's pitching their own baseball league that proves successful.]

Frank Thomas: Can I have a break now?

Manager: No.

Frank Thomas:[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now?!

Manager: (scared) Ab... Absolutely.

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[Bud and Kelly come home from working in the shoe store.]

Bud: A fat woman came into the shoe store today.

Kelly: And Bud still looked up her dress.

I Want My Psycho Dad (1) [9.12]

Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.

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(Marcy comes over when news hit that Psycho Dad has been canceled due to complaints over content)

Marcy (to the tune of the Psycho Dad theme): Who's the guy whose show is done?

Who's TV hero's on the run?

Who'll be watching VH-1?

Loser Al, Loser Al, it's Loser Al!

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Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.

Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?

Al: No, but maybe first.

Kelly Takes A Shot [9.15]

Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

Get The Dodge Outta Hell [9.16]

Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.

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Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.

Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

25 Years And What Do Ya Get [9.17]

Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.

Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.

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Bud: Dad, we got a problem.

Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.

Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

Ship Happens (1) [9.18]

Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?

Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.

Al: And you guys.

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Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

Ship Happens (2) [9.19]

Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?

Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.

Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

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Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O [9.21]

Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.

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Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?

Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.

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(As Peg and Marcy are waiting for Al to pick them up)

Marcy: Well, at least we're in a church.

Janitor: Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.

Marcy: I thought this was a sanctuary.

Janitor: Yeah, 'til 11:00. After that, it's just another crime scene.

User Friendly [9.22]

Bud: You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.

Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.

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Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight mini-dress]

Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on autopilot.

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(Al comes home excited, but Peg and Kelly are not.)

Al: Hi Peg. How was Oprah?

Peg: Oprah wasn't on today.

Al: Oprah won't be on tomorrow either, Peg. Why?! Cause I had the cable company take her off, see.

(Al shows her a new TV Guide channel.)

Peg: The Guy Package.

Al: With Femblock! See, it's a new service they offer men and a few female tennis players who are tired of watching girly crap. See, Peg, it's my week off and I want to spend it watching quality programing.

Peg: Oh, you mean watching monster movies, jiggly shows and the Three Stooges.

Al: Soitenly!

Pump Fiction [9.23]

Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy

Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

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(Al and Kelly's movie is showing and the title says "Sheos" instead of "Shoes")

Bud: Sheos?

Kelly: No. Shoes, remember? E before O except after E-I-E-I-O.

Radio Free Trumaine [9.24]

Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.

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Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.

Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to—

Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

Shoeless Al [9.25]

Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.

Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.

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Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.

Peg: That's why life stinks.

The Undergraduate [9.26]

Peg (trying to start the vacuum cleaner): Al, I think this thing is broken.

Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.

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Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.

Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?