Married... with Children (season 4)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

Hot Off The Grill [4.1]

Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...

Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?

Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...

[Dissolve to later.]

Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...

[Dissolve to still later.]

Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Al: Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and... (looks at Peggy) having sex with our spouses.

Al: Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. (sobs) Oh God, what a charade! (looks at Peggy) Oh, God!

Kelly: I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.

Al: No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.

Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]

(Al meets Jim Jupiter -- as Al comes home and thinks Jim is mounting Peg from behind)

Jim Jupiter: I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.

Al: Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.

(as Peg and Marcy are doing warm-up jogs with Jim Jupiter)

Peg: You know, you got a lot of nerve. Did I come over your house when you won the "Woman in Banking" award?

Marcy: Yes, you did. And you stole a whole chicken.

Peg: Yeah, but least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron, and parent. And number two: exercise.

Buck Saves The Day [4.3]

(Al, Steve, Bud, and the neighborhood kids are lost in the woods)

Steve: I'm glad you're in a jovial mood. You fall asleep at the wheel, you roll the van, you lose our supplies, and, thanks to you, we're gonna die.

Boy: I want my mommy.

Al: Yeah, so does your dad's brother.

(Kelly is distraught over not having money for the Oozing Meat concert)

Bud: Look, Kel. Just do what I do: use your wits.

Kelly: I do.

Bud: I said, "wits". With a "W".

(As Peg and Marcy are getting ready for ladies' poker night)

Peg: Isn't this great? Wish it could always be like this. No noses to wipe. No tears to dry. No one to send to their room. It's just so nice without Al.

Kelly: Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.

Marcy: Why, thank you Kelly.

Kelly: Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?

Marcy: I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.

(Peg pulls Kelly aside)

Peg: Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are supposed to loan Mommy money.

Kelly (dejected): My life is over. (points to Marcy, who's fixing her lipstick): I might as well be her.

(After Kelly wins at Poker by cheating)

Peg: Kelly, I didn't want to say anything to the girls, but I saw you cheating. You know what you have to do.

Kelly: (sighs): Yes, Mommy. (beat): The usual 50%

Peg: Let's make it 60, just to teach you a lesson.

(as Kelly forks over the money, a howling noise can be heard outside)

Peg: Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn like they did in my day?

(Peg opens the door. Buck comes in with a letter in his mouth)

Kelly: Hey look, it's Buck!

Peg: Didn't he go camping with the boys?

Kelly: (notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.

(Buck growls)

Peg: I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.

(Peg and Kelly walk away, leaving Buck laying down on the couch)

(Al's scary story to the kids)

Al: Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy, full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then, one night, much like tonight. Something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him. Thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. And then he saw it. And there, in the light of a bar...stood the evil, red-headed, high-heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others, but nothing could stop it. He could hear its wild call: (scrunches up his face, in a high voice): Oh, honey! Honey! It was horrible. Finally, it trapped him. Opened, opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs, and said, (scrunches his face up again, in the same high voice): Marry me!

Victor: And did he marry it, Dan'l?

Al: Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst part of it is... there's still some of them out there. There might be one... (points) behind that tree!

(The kids all yell and wheel around)

Al: Then again, there might not be. But beware. Because wherever a man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll come a-creeping, and they can't be stopped. Now sleep... if you can. (laughs evilly)

Steve: Hi, Al! (notices the kids): Oh, hi, neighborhood tykes!

Victor: Hey, it's the guy who gives us potatoes on Halloween.

Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]

Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

Man: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?

Al: If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.

Al: Ah, home sweet hell.

He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?

Peg: Oh, of course not!

Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Fair Exchange [4.6]

Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al: Fine.

Al's Father: How are my Playboys?

Al: You know, huh?

Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

976-SHOE [4.8]

(after the state trooper comes by to take Al's credit cards)

Peg: Well, kids, we have no more credit cards. Let this be a lesson to ya: Marry someone who can afford you.

Peg: Hi, honey. How was your day?

Al: Eh, I came home. How good could it have been?

(Al has his great idea to start a shoe help hotline and is trying to get his family to guess it)

Al: What can I do better than anyone else?

Kelly: Stink up a shoe?

Bud: Sweat through the couch?

Peg: Miss the toilet in the dark?

Bud: Oh, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to know what she should do.

Al: Start walking on all fours the way God intended her to.

(as Al is looking over the bills)

Al: Ed MacMahon says I may owe him $10,000,000?!

Peg (skeptically): Eh, what are the chances of it really being you?

Al (as he looks over the phone bill): Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee -- that's the town they built around your mother, isn't it, Peg?

Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]

Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

At The Zoo [4.10]

(a Girl Scout approaches Al as he's about to enter the house)

Girl Scout: Hey, Mister. Would you like to buy some cookies?

Al: No. Go away.

Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.

Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.

Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.

Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?

Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.

Al: Wet a bed.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Kelly: No, a gorilla as big as you scratching himself.

Peg: Yeah. He had one hand down where his pants would be and in his other hand...You know how you hold your beer? Well, he was holding something. I think it was doody. (beat): Where were you around 3:00 today?

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?

Bud: Two children starving?

Peg: One untouched wife.

(Al recites some poetry for the kids he was hired to babysit while their parents shop)

Al: 'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

No food was a-stirrin'

Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung 'round Dad's neck like a tie.

Along with a note that said, "Presents or Die!"

Children were plotting all night in their beds.

While the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.

But Daddy had money

This year in the bank.

But then they closed up early

Now Dad's in the tank.

(later on)

...then all of a sudden, Santa appeared.

A sneer on his face

And booze on his beard.

"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,

"You do so much for others.

"Do something for me"

"Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes

"Your son is a sneak-thief

"Your daughter's a flooze

"Ho-ho," Santa said, "Shall I mention your wife?

"Her hair's like the A-bomb

"Her nails are like knives"

Then he went to the chimney

That fat piece of dung

He mooned me two times

Then stuck out his tongue.

And I heard him exclaim

As he broke wind with glee,

"You're married with children! You'll never be free."

Al: [to some kids] Now, who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?

Al: Christmas is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie...but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!

Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud: Money. I can always rent love.

Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Angel: I'm a guardian angel. I'm looking for an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?

Al: I'm Al Bundy.

(The guardian angel looks away)

Angel: NOOOOOOOOO! WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING NINTENDO UP THERE FOR A MINUTE?!! LOOK AT THE MESS YOU GOT ME INTO!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?"

Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]

(after Al comes in from falling off the roof the first time)

Peg: Oh, Al, you fell.

Al (as he gets into bed): Yes, Peg, I did. (Peg makes a kissy face at Al and eyes him suggestively): But obviously not far enough.

Peg: Al, just call a roofer.

Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's leaking, call someone. Something's broken, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to the spirit of "I can fix it myself"? Whatever happened to rugged, American manhood?

Bud: Well, we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests aren't back from the lab yet.

Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!

Bud: Eat Mom's food!

(After Al falls from the roof yet again)

Peg: Al, you're tracking mud all over the carpet.

Al (pained): Well, it's not all mud. Some of it's colon.

Peg (to Kelly and Bud): Now, Daddy's going to fall off the roof again. You know what to do.

Kelly and Bud (in unison): Get the camera.

Peg (shakes her head): No. We already have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album.

Al: As God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!

A Taxing Problem [4.14]

Bud comes in with Buck on a leash and a scooper in his hand

Kelly: So, how'd it go?

Bud: Ah, he's still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.

Kelly: You mean to tell me he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked? 'Cuz just the thought of it would work for me.

---

Al: I need to find a way to make some money to pay my taxes.

Classified #1: Free Money for Fools

Al: Nope, no way.

Al crosses off ad

Classified #2: Store Toxic Waste at Home

Al: What do you say, Bud? Would you mind growing a second head to help out Daddy?

Bud: I don't know, Dad. Everything in my wardrobe revolves around one head.

Al: OK, we will mark this as a maybe.

Classified #3: Woman Desperately Needs Hair for Wig. Will Meet Any Price. Red Preferred.

Al and Bud look at each other knowingly

Rock And Roll Girl [4.15]

(after Officer Dan gives Al a warning for Peg illegally putting a toll booth near the airport)

Peg: Gee, that's nice. Well, Al. Maybe now you can take down that bumper sticker that says, "Support Higher Education: Send a Cop to First Grade."

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]

(Peg is on the couch, clicking through several talk shows)

TV Announcer: Today on Becky: Men: Scum or Slime?

(Peg grimaces and changes the channel)

TV Announcer #2: Today on Lorraine: Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?

(Peg, still unsatisfied, changes the channel again)

TV Announcer #3: Today on Sharon: Men: Upright Dogs With Paychecks?

Peg (changes the channel again): That's what I hate about this time of year: nothing on but reruns.

Peg: I want a vacation.

Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?

Marcy: God, I hate men!

Al: I thought you were man's best friend. (audience groans as Marcy glares at Al): Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

(After finding out why his credit card -- which he just paid off -- is maxed out again)

Al: Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat, 'cuz we're going to Vegas!

(Bud and Kelly exchange glances as the episode ends on a freeze-frame with the words, "TO BE CONTINUED", on the bottom of the screen)

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]

Al's fantasy. James Bond theme plays. Al is wearing a tuxedo surrounded by ladies. Dealer at roulette wheel is wearing a slinky red dress

Yummy: Would you care to make a bet, sir?

Al: And who might you be?

Yummy: Yummy All Day.

Al: And yummy all night too, I will wager.

A hulking bald man sexually harasses Peg

Peg: Cut it out!

Thug: I do what I want!

Thug strikes Al, who grabs his arm and twists it

Al: Apologize to the lady.

Thug{to Peg}: I am sorry.

Thug flees

Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.

Al: And I love a woman with things on top.

Yummy: Would you care to make a bet, sir... Return to reality; Al and Peg are now in more casual clothes, as is Yummy, who is now wearing a frumpy employees' uniform Sir! Hello, Earth to you! Are you going to bet or not?

Al: Oh yeah, sure.

Al hands over $8 he scrounged

Yummy: Sorry sir, you need chips. Besides, the minimum bet at this table is $20. Al leaves Who was that?

Peg: Loser. Born loser.

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever do something so horrible to you that it ruined your entire life?

Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives. I work for a living!

Al: And if you wanna talk about "flying wedge," let's talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the phrase, "as big as the Earth," but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known under one muu-muu.

Al: Shoes: no kind of life for a man.

Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]

Peggy: Just wait till I remember one of your birthdays!

Kelly: Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Bud: And an empty one.

Peggy Made A Little Lamb [4.20]

(Kelly is posing with a picture frame in front of a mirror. Bud comes in)

Kelly: Bud, what do you think? Would this make a great yearbook photo?

Bud: I don't know, Kel. (turns her around): If you really want people to remember you, you might want to try this (moves the picture frame below her neck, stopping at her breasts and midriff): Now, all we do is add some fingerprints, and voila: every man's memory.

(Peggy shows Bud and Kelly her high school yearbook)

Peggy: Aw, Bonnie Malone. See, Kelly? Here's what you should never do in a yearbook photo: pose with your baby.

Al: Peg, I brought someone over to show that you don't need a high school diploma to be important. (gestures outside): Sir?

(the homeless man from "Oh, What a Feeling" and "Rock and Roll Girl" staggers in, holding out his hand)

Homeless Man: Change?

(after hearing that Peg never graduated from high school)

Al: I'm heading to the store to get dinner. Hey, how 'bout alphabet soup? That way you can eat and learn.

Home Ec Teacher: Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben?

(Kelly stares at Reuben, a preppy black kid with glasses)

Kelly: Well, we both like boys.

Raingirl [4.21]

Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.

Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.

Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.

(points to Peg): Early grave, cha cha cha.

Everybody — shoot me!

The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?

Peg: Well, having the kids.

Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

Peg: Having the kids.

Yard Sale [4.23]

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.

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Married... with Children (season 4)