Married... with Children (season 5)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]

Radio Announcer: Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --

(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)

Al: A shoe salesman.

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Peg: Hi, Al. Did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet so far.

Peg: [reading TV Guide Fall Preview issue]. We Are Fami-Lee. A Chinese family with three children. [pause] Ohh! I get it! We Are Fami-Lee!

Al...With Kelly [5.2]

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

[Bud enters Bundy residence]

Peg: Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".

Bud: Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.

Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.

Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

(after Al puts on the Bon Jovi wig that Bud wants him to wear)

Peg: Gee, honey, you look like Tarzan...if he was old and gay.

Al: Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.

Bud: Dad, all my friends are driving.

Al: Well, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?

(after Peg once again insults Al)

Al (to Bud): Son, let this be a lesson to you: Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

(Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch. Bud shoves Kelly's head sideways)

Bud: Fly.

(Kelly smiles, then socks Bud in the stomach)

Kelly: Tapeworm.

The Unnatural [5.4]

[after hitting a game-winning home run, Al stops three steps short of home plate]

Roy: What are you doing? Cross the plate, Bundy! Cross the plate!

Al: In due time. Microphone, please. [Marcy brings the announcer's microphone.] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

[cheering]

The Dance Show [5.5]

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]

Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.

Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.

Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al: Hey, Peg — still on strike?

Peg: What does it look like?

Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

(Bud and Kelly enter the audition room for the Alante. It's filled with sexy women of all races, creeds, and colors)

Bud: Oh, man! It feels like I died and went to Dad's happy corner in the basement.

Kelly: I beg of you, Pepe Le Pew. Keep your urges and your odor in check.

Married...With Aliens [5.7]

Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!

Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al laid out packages of unworn socks in an attempt to bait aliens. Nothing happens. The following night the aliens return

Al: How come you guys didn't come? Look at all these socks.

Aliens pick up fresh socks and shake heads. One of them pulls a pair out the dresser and nods head

Al: I get it, these are new. You want used.

Wabbit Season [5.8]

Al: Oh, Peg, it was horrible. Sixteen straight hours of shoe-selling mayhem. Last thing I remember, I was down on one knee, waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman. First thing they teach you when you’re a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."

Peg: So what?

Al: [starts crying] TODAY'S WEDNESDAY! Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was insane.

Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming over on Friday night, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al: I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.

[Rabbit's head pops out of hole]

Peggy: [talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.

Al: Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]

Peg: [to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?

Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Al is shirtless and walking out the front door

Peg: Where are you going?

Al: Where does it look like I'm going?

Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

One Down, Two To Go [5.10]

Peg: Al, our baby’s gone. Hold me.

Al: I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

And Baby Makes Money [5.11]

Married... With Who [5.12]

The Godfather [5.13]

[Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]

Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?

Al: Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al: Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don’t believe in love.

Peg: That’s why our marriage works.

Kelly enters with a middle-aged man; Peg and Al are aghast at her new boyfriend

Harry: I did not know Kelly had a sister.

Peg: He's OK by me!

Harry: This must be Mr. Bundy.

Shakes hands with Al

Harry: Hello, Harry Ashland, I am an alderman.

Kelly: That's a priest, Daddy.

Harry: No, an alderman is more like a city councilman.

Kelly: Oh. Then how come you wanted me to call you Father?

Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] Some day I may ask you for a favor. This day may never come, but... [normal voice] We both know it probably will! [Brando] When this day does come, you will respond in true friendship.

Look Who's Barking [5.14]

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Hans: Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.

Kelly: Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.

Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.

Kelly: Bye! [slams the door in his face]

A Man's Castle [5.15]

(as Al, Kelly, and Bud are waiting for Peg to bring home dinner. Al is telling the kids stories about how he had great dinners when he was a child)

Kelly: Daddy, who made you this meat?

Al: Well, back then, we called her "Mother." See kids, "Mother" meant "home-cooking" back then. Of course, back then, "gay" meant "happy".

All Night Security Dude [5.16]

Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]

[Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]

Marcy: "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?

Al: No.

Jefferson: "Go Tell Pharaoh"?

Al: No! This is a song from my youth.

Peg: "Look, It's a Wheel"?

(Al comes home)

Peg: Al, Kelly's been stood up.

Al: Must bring back memories for you, huh, Peg? Anyway, I was driving home -- God knows why -- and I hear this old song on the radio that I used to love, but I can't remember the name. Now, why is it whenever a song comes on the radio, and you're waiting to hear them name it, it's always number 6 of 40 in a row?

Peg: Well, stick with it, honey. You figured out how to flush the toilet; you'll figure this one out.

Al: This is a burning question of our time, and I will not have it trivialized by a woman who thinks the TV show "Hunter" is engrossing. (as he's walking over to the fridge to get a beer): Anyhow, the DJ finally comes on, and, instead of telling me the name of my song, what does he do? Goes on and on about some massive pile-up on the freeway. (in a whiny voice): "Twelve dead, twelve dead." (normal voice): Then he kicks off about 500 in a row, with Bobby Goldsboro's musical sphincter lock known as "Honey."

Kelly (horrified): Oh, God. This is what it's like being home on a Friday night?

(Bud nods)

Peggy: Well, honey, we're finally alone. I know what will take your mind off that record for a minute - You could make love to me 4 times!

Al: Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant but a goodie.

Peggy: Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

Al: I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

Bud: Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

Peggy: Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

Al: He said, "The colors. The colors. Has anyone seen my good friend, John," then he lit up a banana and hung up.

Al: Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... "Mmm Mmm him".

Bud: I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to it!

Al: Get out of my way. (Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Peg and Kelly) Peg, Peg, you're old, you know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

Peggy: Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids.

Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]

(as Kelly and Al enter the Weenie Tots headquarters)

Kelly: Daddy, you notice there weren't any garbage cans outside?

Al: Well, a lot of places these days are into recycling, honey.

(after Jefferson volunteers to go along with Al's plan for the D'Arcys to cash in their winning Weenie Tot ticket)

Marcy: Jefferson, just remember that you are a white-collar criminal. (referring to Al): This man, at best, is a ring-around-the-collar criminal. (to Jefferson): Now honey, you don't want to be in league with someone whose greatest accomplishment has been putting shoes on his knees and sneaking into the movies as a child.

Peg: Well, at least it's over.

Al: Ah, no, Peg, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over! (to the police): What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys?

Officer Dan: Same thing every night: Weenie Tots.

Al (holding out his wrists so he can be cuffed): Book me.

Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do? [5.19]

Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al: I didn’t steal your bra.

Top Of The Heap [5.20]

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.

Mona: Really? When?

Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.

You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Peggy: Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...

Al: Or my "beauty-fool" wife.

You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]

Jefferson: Drop dead!

Peg: Lick feet!

Marcy: Eat dirt!

Al: Grow hair!

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

[Bud and Kelly slink away.]

Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]

[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al’s money.]

Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.

Black Hick: Dodge is a damn fine car. Ran over muh wife with a Dodge.

Route 666: Part 2 [5.24]

Buck The Stud [5.25]

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]

Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.

Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.

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Married... with Children (season 5)