Married... with Children (season 1)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

Pilot [1.1]

[First lines]

[Bud sneaks up behind Kelly and grabs her hair and holds a plastic knife to her neck]

Kelly: Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

Bud: Die, commie bimbo!

Peggy: Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.

Bud: What's that, Mom?

Peggy: You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?

Bud: Sure, Mom.

[a horn honks from outside]

Peggy: Now, go to school.

Kelly: [to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!

Bud: Good!

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.

Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Marcy: Hi, we're your new neighbors. You have a lovely home.

Al: Yeah, so do you. Come in.

[Al is trying to fit shoes for a fat woman named Shirley]

Shirley: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.

Al:[picks up a size 7 shoe] Well these are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, you're a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.

Shirley: You're very FRESH!

Al: No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I really should've been easing them into the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.

Shirley: Your ad says "courteous service".

Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

Shirley: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

Arnold: I want a balloon.

Al: You've already got one!

Steve: Do you have any kids?

Al: Two.

Marcy: Where are they?

Al: I don't know.

Al: Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.

Peggy: Well, sure, if you want to.

Al: We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.

Peggy: Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

Al: Yeah. [long pause] You wanna go upstairs?

Peggy: Thought you wanted to watch the game.

Al: Naah! Who cares! [as they head up the stairs] You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy: Mmm.

[Last lines]

Thinnergy [1.2]

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.

Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

(Al and Peggy are watching TV)

Peggy: Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny? Shouldn't a woman have some meat on her bones? You have to have something to grab onto.

Al: I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet.

But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.

Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?

Steve: Yes, dear.

Marcy: How do you know?

Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve: Well, Al...

Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve: The French?

[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Peggy: Gee, an exercise room would be great. Then we wouldn't have to wait in line to use their equipment, and be laughed at by women with good bodies. Chocolate Sauce?

Marcy: Okay. I don't know Peggy. Steve and I wanted a room we could both use.

Peggy: Oh Steve has his own room. He has the kitchen!

Peggy: I'm getting an exercise room.

Al: Not a chance!

Peggy: Look, Marcy is on my side! She makes the money, she has the power!

Al: Oh yeah? I make the money and I have no power.

Al: Okay everyone, gather around. I want you to watch me pay these bills.

Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]

Steve: It's not just a car, honey — it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.

Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?

Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]

Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?

Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.

Peggy: A can of motor oil?

Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Married… Without Children [1.7]

Al: You are the biggest — by the way, do you have cable?

Steve: No.

Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Al: I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can get out of this.

Steve: Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this problem.

The Poker Game [1.8]

[Al is fitting shoes to an old woman name Lisa.]

Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.

Al: A bubbling cauldron?

Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.

Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.

Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?

Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.

Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?

Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.

Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.

Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?

Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it — maybe — because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Steve: You know, Al, this is probably none of my business but there are advantages to having a working wife. For one thing, it gave us enough money to buy the house next to yours. No, wait, that's a disadvantage.

Steve: So Al, how's Peggy's new job working out?

Al:(sarcastic) Oh, great Steve. Yeah, she's pulling a clear $90 a week. Of course, she spent $400 a week. Yeah, she needed a new smock at Mulden's. Of course, she needed some new clothes and she wanted some new shoes.

Steve: Well, that's no problem. You sell shoes.

Al: No, she wanted good shoes. Well, I figured if she keeps working any longer, we'll be living in the gutter. But actually, I won't be living in the gutter. I'll be in prison for killing your wife!

Steve: Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al. Why don't you try this? Ask Peggy to quit.

Al: No, I can't do that! Well, see the truth is, I like having her at home.

Steve: Well, she love to hear that.

Al: Yeah, I'm sure she would. But, I'm not going to tell her. Cause, I would have nothing to complain about and I like complaining. Nah, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over me for the rest of my life. Yeah, she'd say "I wanted to work, but you want me home. Now I'm home, so shut up!". And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage. Nah, I got to think of another way.

Steve: Ah, gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business...

Al: No, go ahead. Pretend you're your wife.

Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]

Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?

Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]

Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.

Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.

Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.

Marcy: Why?

Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

(Al dips his finger in his juice and licks it)

Al: Mmm, I'm full. Peg, as usual, every day's Thanksgiving.

Where’s the Boss [1.12]

Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?!

Peg: Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?

Fat Woman: You must be the wife.

Peg: And you must be why they're starving in China.

Johnny Be Gone [1.13]

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?

Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.

Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."

Al: Never wanted to get married - I'm married, never wanted to have kids - I got two of 'em. How the hell did this happen?

(Al goes to the telephone and makes a call)

Al: Hello Spike? Al. Listen, Is 'No Jaw' McKenzie there? Yeah the one with no jaw. Is she there!? Great, er, listen she's got number 110, tell her I'll trade my number 50 for it, OK?

Al: Come on Peg, the fries aren't getting any younger. And neither are you.

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Married... with Children (season 1)