Married... with Children (season 6)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.

Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.

Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to explain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Jefferson: I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!

[While watching television, a pregnant Peg turns to Al as he comes home looking similar to Simeon Pathetica.]

Announcer: Note the stoop shoulders and the dull blank look.

Peg: Can I have your autograph.

She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]

Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly: Hey!!!

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?

Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

Al sees man with head buried on bar

Al: Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...

Man lifts up head to reveal himself as Jefferson

Al: AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...

Jefferson: No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.

Al: Really?? How come?

Jefferson: It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.

Waitress in a low-cut leotard is in bar, gaining men's attention

Waitress: Beer! Candy! Forged backgrounds!

Al: How much would it be to get a background of a retired NFL player?

Waitress: $200.

Al: Rats, too expensive! What can I get for $1?

Waitress: The background of a shoe salesman from Illinois.

Al: Just give me some gum. Waitress departs I do not need a forged background; I can invent my own. My new name will be...Al unwraps gum...Bazooka Joe!

Jefferson: Good one. I can reinvent myself as...Jefferson looks at beer can...Anheuser Busch!

If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.

Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Al actually succeeds at building his mancave. He hears knock on door

Al: Ah, must be that new wife I ordered from Ukraine.

Al is met by Jefferson

Jefferson: Marcy and I had a fight and she threw me out. Can I stay here?

Al: When I built my own room; I meant it for me.

Jefferson: Please, Al?

Al: All right, one night. But tell no one.

Screen flips to a bunch of guys hanging out in Al's man cave

Cheese, Cues And Blood [6.4]

Bud: Dad, you got a minute?

Al: For you, Bud? Nah.

Bud: I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al: Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud: The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al: Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud: That's Grandmaster, you fool!

Al: Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud: The Grandmaster will not forget this.

[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp.]

Jefferson: Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...

[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table.]

Al: Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly: [comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al: Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.

Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.

Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

Buck Has A Belly Ache [6.6]

If I Could See Me Now [6.7]

Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.

God's Shoes [6.8]

Al: How long was I out?

Kelly: Two hours.

Al: Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.

Al: Doesn't matter. Do you know what happened to me while I was unconscious?

Bud: Uh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.

Kelly (defensively): Don't listen to him, Dad. It was only a soda. (hits Bud, in sotto voce): You had some too.

Bud (in sotto voce): Chill out. Right in front of Dad.

Kelly: You started it.

Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 [6.9]

Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 [6.10]

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]

Al: [narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud: Repulsed by you?

Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?

Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al: As I watched her leave, I suddenly realized, she really did put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp.

[The people in the room turn and stare at Al]

Al: [embarrassed, narrating] Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

I Who Have Nothing [6.13]

The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]

Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."

Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!

Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

(Al gets a "Caring" card on the board game "Ethical Dilemma")

Peg: Come on, Al. Share with us what you care about.

(Al stands up)

Al: "I Care," by Al Bundy

When hooters jiggle around

And I find nickels on the ground

I care.

When a Mustang engine purrs

And the bathroom is not hers

I care.

When the pitcher's on the mound

And the wife is underground

I care.

But when I've been playing this for days

I will kill

Anyone who stays

I swear

(Al sits back down and buries his face in his hands)

Peg: ...And if you really want a scare

Check out his underwear

If you dare.

(after Bud comes home from sky-diving)

Al (laughing): I don't care how much you paid me. You'd never get me up on a plane skydiving.

Peg: Al, you landed on "Kiss the Neighbors."

(Al stares at the camera. The scene flips to Biff in the plane as Al walks to the door with the parachute pack in his hands)

Biff: Don't you want your last minute instructions?

(Al laughs deliriously and hurls himself off the plane)

Just Shoe It [6.15]

Rites Of Passage [6.16]

Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks — the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants — the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut — the nudie bar.

Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

The Egg And I [6.17]

Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Peg: We're Bundys. We don't call the cops. People call them on us!

Steve: And none of you could tell me that she was married.

Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the children.

FBI Agent: Open up, it's the FBI.

Steve: That could be for me, since stealing this egg is a federal offense. And if you get any ideas, so is harboring me. If you need me, I'll be in the basement.

Al: Let me tell you something, I served my country. I played high school football. Four touchdowns in one game, yet I'm not exempt of state and federal taxes. Is this how you treat us heroes? No, you flash that badge to some registered voter. We're Bundys, we hate cops!

[Marcy has just broken up Steve and Jefferson's fight]

Steve: He's your husband?! Were you so hurt so bad that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.

Jefferson: This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.

Steve:[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.

Jefferson: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.

My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]

Psychic Avengers [6.19]

Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

[Al enters, angrier than he's ever been]

Al: Why doesn't the world die?!

High I.Q. [6.20]

Kelly: I got invited to a party!

Bud: A party?

Kelly: You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put a cupcake in front of each of them? Kind of like that, only this is with real people, Bud!

Bud: Oh hearty har har. Who invited you?

Kelly: Must be a frat party. The return address says "Alpha".

[Bud looks at letter, then is shocked]

Bud: Kel, this is not a fraternity. Alpha is an elite organization of people with IQs of a certain percentile. I got rejected from this!

--

Peg{to Marcy, as they watch Al and Jefferson fix the workbench}: Wow, you can almost hear the Looney Tunes theme.

Teacher Pets [6.21]

Kelly: [on phone] Hello, Reverend Fletcher. Has Hell frozen over? Well something's up. My brother Bud has a date! Yes, Bud! Okay, yes, church is the place to be at times like this. Okay, I'll be right down. It's the building with the big T on the roof, right? [Puts down phone and runs out the front door]

The Goodbye Girl [6.22]

Kelly (as she comes home from work): Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today, her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through a little itsy-bitsy turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses? A line was forming, so I had to do something. So I got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live? (slumps down in the chair, putting her hand down her pants like Al)

Peggy: Who does she remind me of?

The Gas Station Show [6.23]

(Kelly, Bud, and Peg come home to find Al watching a Western on TV)

Peg: We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.

Bud: No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

Kelly: You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

(Al calls for a family meeting)

Peg: Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".

Al (as he gets up from the couch): No, Peg, because we're not allowed in the zoo, thanks to young Mr. Bundy who answered the question: "What happens when you feed a panda Pop Rocks?"

Bud: At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

Kelly: Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

(Bud and Kelly turn to Peg, who hangs her head in shame)

Bud: Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

Kelly: Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.

Bud (defensively): Hey, now that was a hot chimp!

Kelly: That's sick! That's sick!

(Bud and Kelly begin strangling each other, their conversation overlapping)

Al: Families are meant to be together.

Peg: But we don't wanna be together.

Al: You have no choice.

Al: We're going to take a Sunday drive.

Kelly (picks up her head): In the Dodge? (shrieks, and buries her face in Bud's shoulder)

Al: Just for that, you ride in the back seat with your mother.

(Al outlines his plans for Bundy Sunday Fun Day)

Al: I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind.

Bud: You got a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is My Feet"?

Kelly: You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the car?

Peg: You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the freeway?

England Show: Part 1 [6.24]

Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.

Peg: AL!

Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

[In Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner]

Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say "I don’t like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"

Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

Al: [starts to step down, then] Oh, by the way, am I alone here in hating the French?

Crowd: NO!

Al: I thought not.

Winston: It is the St Paul's Cathedral.

The Bundys: Great.

Winston: There is Parliament.

The Bundys: Great.

Winston: Tower Bridge.

The Bundys: Great.

Winston: And the Trafalgar Square.

The Bundys: Great.

Winston: The Buckingham Palace.

The Bundys: Great.

Bud: Look! A McDonald's!

Al: Peg, quick! Get the camera!

England Show: Part 2 [6.25]

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?

Peg: You're the king, baby.

Al: Make me believe it.

Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.

Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!

Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!

Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!

5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

England Show: Part 3 [6.26]

Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."

Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.

Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.

Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

[hanging from the wall of a dungeon]

Al: What're you in for?

Old Man: Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?

Al: Towel from the Savoy. What do they feed you in here?

Old Man: Bread and water.

Al: ...Then it's truly the best vacation I ever had!

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Married... with Children (season 6)