Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Venkman: Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Venkman: I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?
Librarian Alice: No.
Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?
Library Administrator: What has that got to do with it?
Venkman: Back off, man. I'm a scientist.
Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.
Spengler: I blame myself.
Venkman: So do I.
Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Stantz: Total protonic reversal!
Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.
[The Ghostbusters have just completed a hunt in a hotel]
Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
Hotel Manager: Did you see it? What was it?
Stantz: [holding up the steaming ghost-trap] We got it!
Hotel Manager: What is it? Will there be any more of them?
Stantz: Sir, what you had there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class Five full-roaming vapor. Real nasty one, too!
Venkman: Let's talk seriously, now. [Spengler holds up four fingers behind the Manager] For the entrapment, we're gonna have to ask you for four big ones. $4,000 for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast, [Spengler holds up one finger] and that's only going to come to $1,000, fortunately.
Hotel Manager: $5,000? I had no idea it would be so much. I won't pay it.
Venkman: Well, that's all right. We can just put it right back in there.
Stantz: We certainly can, Dr. Venkman.
Hotel Manager: No, no, no, no! All right! I'll pay anything!
Venkman: Thanks so much.
[ EPA agent Walter Peck is visiting the Ghostbusters' home base, but is frustrated at their stonewalling]
Peck: And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?
Venkman: In a storage facility.
Peck: And may I see this storage facility?
Peck: Why not?
Venkman: Because you did not use the magic word.
Peck: What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?
Peck: [chuckles] May I please see the storage facility?
Venkman: Why do you want to see the storage facility?
Peck: Well, because I'm curious. I want to know more about what you do here! Frankly, there have been alot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess for any possible environmental impact from your operation! For instance, the presence of noxious, possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement! Now you either show me what is down there, or I come back with a court order.
Venkman: You go get a court order! And I'll sue your ass for wrongful prosecution!
Peck: You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.
[While in jail, the Ghostbusters are studying the blueprints of Dana's apartment building and uncover some startling facts]
Spengler: The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.
Stantz: Cold riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.
Venkman: [to jailbirds suddenly looking over the blueprints] Everybody getting this so far? So what? I guess they just don't make them like they used to, huh?
Stantz: [slaps Venkman up the head] No! Nobody ever made them like this! I mean, the architect was either a certified genius or an authentic wacko!
Venkman: Ray, for a moment, pretend that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
Stantz: You never studied. The whole building is a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse of Spook Central.
Venkman: She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers! She barks, she drools, she claws...
Spengler: It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building. Something terrible is about to enter our world, and this building is obviously the door. The architect's name was Ivo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then in 1920, he started a secret society.
Venkman: Let me guess: Gozer worshippers?
Venkman: [to Stantz] "No studying"!
Spengler: After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. [notices more jailbirds listening in] And he wasn't alone; he had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof, bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world, and now it looks like it may actually happen!
Venkman: [singing] So be good, for goodness sake! Whoa! Somebody's coming! Somebody's coming!
Stantz: We have to get out of here. We've gotta get a judge or something.
Zeddemore: Hey, wait a minute! Hold it! Now are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is gonna drop in on Central Park West and start tearing up the city?!
Spengler: Sumerian, not Babylonian.
Venkman: Yeah. Big difference.
Zeddemore: No offense, guys, but I gotta get my own lawyer.
Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Venkman: Yes it's true. This man has no dick.
Peck: Jeez! [charges at Venkman; everybody tries to pull them apart]
Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!
Peck: Alright, alright, alright!
Venkman: Well, that's what I heard!
[The Ghostbusters try to convince New York's Mayor to let them go and face the ghost threat all over the Big Apple]
Zeddemore: I'm Winston Zeddemore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but I gotta tell you: these things are real. Since I joined these men, I have seen shit that'll turn you white!
Venkman: Well, you can believe Mr. Pecker...
Peck: My name is "Peck."
Venkman: ...or you could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?
Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Realwrath-of-God type stuff!
Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes!
Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Venkman: Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
Mayor: Enough, I get the point! And what if you're wrong?
Venkman: If I'm wrong, then nothing happens! We go to jail; peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm right, and we can stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters. [Mayor slightly smiles and the Archbishop of New York nods in agreement]
Walter Peck: I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these men!
Mayor: [contemplates; to officers while pointing at Peck] Get him outta here.
[Gozer materializes in front of the Ghostbusters in the form of a woman.]
Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian? Good evening. As a duly-designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension.
Venkman: That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.
Gozer: Are you a god?
Stantz: [looks at Venkman, who nods] No.
Gozer: Then... DIIIIIIIIE![sends the Ghostbusters sprawling with lightning bolts]
Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES!"
Gozer: Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!
Stantz: What do you mean, choose? We don't understand!
Gozer: Choose! Choose the form of the Destructor!
Venkman: Oh, I get it. Real cute! [to the others] Whatever we think of— if we think of J. Edgar Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover will appear and destroy us, okay? So empty your heads, don't think of anything. We've only got one shot at this.
Gozer: The choice is made!
Venkman: Whoa! Hold on!
Gozer: The Traveller has come!
Venkman: Nobody "choosed" anything! [turns to Egon] Did you choose anything?
Venkman: [to Winston] Did you?
Zeddemore: My mind is totally blank.
Venkman: I didn't choose anything! [All three slowly turn to confront Ray]
Stantz: I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.
Venkman: [sternly] What? What "just popped in there"?
Stantz: I- I- I tried to think...
Spengler: Look![They all look over one side of the roof]
Stantz: No! It can't be!
Venkman: What is it?
Stantz: It can't be!
Venkman: What did you do, Ray?!
Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
[They all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat]