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Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)

season of television series

"Wall of Youth" [4.01]Edit

Student:  [while discussing Jurassic Park] …and then he attacked the dude in his own car.
Beavis:  The dinosaur had a car?
Butt-head:  How else you think he's got there, dumbass?  On a bike?
Beavis:  Shut up, Butt-head!  [Beavis and Butt-head begin slapping each other]

[crowd gasps as the wall was unveiled to be spraypainted with crude band names including "SLAYER", "OZZY", etc.]
Beavis:  It's a tribute to the people who died in the Vietnam War.
Man in crowd:  [outraged]  My uncle was killed in the war!

"Cow Tipping" [4.02]Edit

Beavis:  Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!
Butt-head:  Uh, That's not a real cow, dude.  That's like a deer.
Beavis:  How did you know?

[after mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by "those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff"]
Beavis:  Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
Butt-head:  Which one, Beavis?  The finger by your butt?
Beavis:  Heh, yeah!  Pull that one. 
Butt-head:  [sings]  Old MacDonald had a farm, E…uhh, I?  Z?  Is there, like, a Q in there?
Beavis:  Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q…uhh, Z…M.

Butt-head:  Hey Beavis.  I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
Beavis:  Really?  Like what?
Butt-head:  Uh…it falls over?
Beavis:  Cool!  We're there, dude!

"Trouble Urinating" [4.03]Edit

Buzzcut:  [teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how]  Okay, boys!  I'm gonna make this easy!  On the count of one, unzip your pants!  And one, unzip your pants!  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]  On the count of two, take out your penises!
Beavis:  Two's my favorite, heh heh.
Buzzcut:  And two!  On the count of three, start leaking!  Three, let's go!  Leak!  Leak!  Leak!  Leak!  Leak!  [Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]
Butt-head:  Huh huh huh.
Buzzcut:  Okay, you wussies.  You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right.  And don't come out until you're done.  [leaves; Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]

[Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]
Doctor:  Now, just relax.  Clear your mind of any thoughts.
Beavis:  What is that?  Huh huh huh.
Doctor:  Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river.  Let the water take you wherever it wants to.  Just relax and go with the flow.
Beavis:  Hey Butt-head.  I can feel it.
Butt-head:  Yeah.  Huh huh.  Me too.
[dripping sound; Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]
Butt-head:  Huh huh huh.  And the water's warm.  Huh huh huh.  Huh huh huh.
[dripping sound continues; doctor looks up from her notes, notices and drops her notes]
Doctor:  Okay, not here.  Stop-stop-stop it!  Stop urinating!  Stop urinating!!
Butt-head:  I forgot how to stop.  [a line of wetness moves up his shirt]
Beavis:  Yeah, heh heh.  Just relax.  Go with the flow.
Doctor:  St-stop it!  Stop it!

Butt-head:  Huh huh.  Urinating's cool.
Beavis:  Hey Butt-head.  Do dogs urinate?  Heh heh heh.
Butt-head:  Beavis, you dillweed.  Of course they urinate.  Why do you think they lift their leg?  Huh huh huh.
[Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of leg each and urinate on a bush; a dog comes over does likewise]

"Rabies Scare" [4.04]Edit

Butt-head:  Whoa, check it out.
Beavis:  Heh, yeah.  Stupid dog.
Butt-head:  Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
Beavis:  Heh, how do you do that? 
[dog leaps, bites Beavis's leg]

Butt-head:  [talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]  Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
Beavis:  Yeah, heh, touch it. 

Kid:  Decent!  Is it contagious?
Butt-head:  No.  I disinsected it.  [pours a sports drink onto wound]  Sports drinks have nutrients.

Buzzcut:  Listen up, morons.  Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you.  [pats baton]  But remember this:  In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury, and the jailer! 
Butt-head:  [to Beavis]  Does it hurt when I do this?  [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
Beavis:  Oow!
Butt-head:  Huh, that was cool.
Buzzcut:  Do you gentlemen have a problem?  Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
Beavis:  Heh, dog bite.
Buzzcut:  Well.  I thought you looked rabid, boy.  Now listen close.  Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness!  You stink of death!  Butt-head!  This man requires immediate medical attention!
Butt-head:  …uh…
BuzzcutHospital, Butt-head!  On the double!
Butt-head:  Yesss!

Hospital Receptionist:  Can I help you?
Butt-head:  Uh, he's got, like, rabies or something. 
Hospital Receptionist:  I see.  What's your name?
Butt-head:  Uh, last name is 'Munch'.  First name is 'Rodney'.
Beavis:  Yeah, heh heh, yeah.  Rod Munch.

Doctor:  So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog.  Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod.  [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
Butt-head:  Uh huh huh.  You're stupid.
Beavis:  Heh, yeah.
Doctor:  Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
Butt-head:  Uh, no.  He wasn't like, very friendly. 
Beavis:  Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
Doctor:  Well, we'll have to find him anyway.  In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course.  And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and dissect the brain.
Butt-head:  Woah.  That's cool.
Doctor:  Actually, yes.  It is kind of cool.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog. 
Doctor:  Not so fast, Rod.  Let's talk about your symptoms first.  Any dizziness?  Nausea?  Fever?  Any convulsions? 
Beavis:  Yeah.  Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
Doctor:  Hmm, so far nothing checks out.  Maybe you were lucky. 
Butt-head:  Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
Beavis:  I've got it, I've got rabies! 
Doctor:  …okay.  I'll call the police and let them know about the dog.  But first, we better start treatment. 
Butt-head:  Does he have to get a shot? 
Doctor:  No.
Beavis:  Cool.
Doctor:  You have to get 18 of them, Rod. 
Butt-head:  Yes!
Doctor:  In the stomach.
Butt-headCool!
Beavis:  …this sucks.

TV:  The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus.  New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
Butt-head:  Hey Beavis.  How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
Beavis:  Maybe he doesn't watch TV.  [switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]
Doctor:  Hahahaha!  Rod Munch, huh?  Hahahaha!

"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Huh Huh" [4.05]Edit

Buzzcutt:  Now, listen up people.  I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of corporeal punishment!
Buzzcutt:  Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr.  Floss.

Dr.  Floss:  How about your parents?  Your mother, for example.  How do you feel about your mother?
Beavis:  Um, like this…  [gesturing the shape of his mother's body]  Yeah.  Heh-heh.  Kinda like this…  [continuing to gesture].
Butt-head:  That's not how I feel your mother.
Beavis:  Shut up, fartknocker!  [slaps Butt-head down to the floor]

Beavis:  I got the last grape!  [takes the last grape lollipop]
Butt-head:  No way, Beavis!  I saw it first!
Beavis:  [spits on lollipop]  My germs!
Butt-head:  [slaps Beavis, causing him to scream]  No way!  [gets kicked in the groin and head]  Uuh!  [gets tackled by Beavis]  Aah!
Beavis:  [continues screaming]  Butthole!  [while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position]  No way!  Come on, Butt-head!  I always get the grape!
Butt-head:  It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

Dr.  Floss:  [holds up a merely a random pattern]  What do you see in this picture?
Butt-head:  It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets".  Huh huh.
Beavis:  Yeah.  Yeah.  He's "shining his helmet".
Dr.  Floss:  I see.  And what do you see here?  [holds up another picture of random shapes]
Butt-head:  Whoa…  He's really corralling the tadpole.
Beavis:  Yeah.  Yeah.  He's really peelin some chilis.
Dr.  Floss:  I see.  What about this one?  [holds up another picture of no particular shape]
Butt-head:  Woah…  Leave a little for next time, dude!
Beavis:  Yeah.  Yeah.  He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
Dr.  Floss:  I see.
Butt-head:  [takes the picture and looks at it]  Paper or plastic, sir?
Butt-head:  Huhuh…he's masturbating.
Dr.  Floss:  And how about this last drawing?  [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]
Butt-head:  Uhh…that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.
Dr.  Floss:  Fascinating.  [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom]  Principal McVicker, could you come in here?  We've got big problems.

"Jump!" [4.06]Edit

"Pumping Iron" [4.07]Edit

Weight Lifter:  You were supposed to be spotting me!  Stickboy!
Butt-head:  Uh…there you are.  Uhuhuh.
Beavis:  Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
Weight Lifter:  [lifts them up by the neck and growls]
Beavis:  [while choking]  Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.
[the weight lifter throws them through the window]
Butt-head:  …Exercise sucks. 

"Let's Clean it Up" [4.08]Edit

"1‒900‒BEAVIS" [4.09]Edit

Butt-head:  Huhuh, I can, like, hear her butt!

Butt-head:  Let's not use our real names.
Beavis:  Yeah.
Butt-head:  [on the phone]  I'm Beavis and he's Butt-head.

"Water Safety" [4.10]Edit

[after Buzzcut saves Beavis and Butt-head from near drowning]
Buzzcut: Butt-head, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!
Butt-head: Uhh…I was dead?  Uh huh huh.
Beavis: Heh heh.  Yeah.  He was dead.  Heh heh.
Buzzcut: Do you or do you not have a reason for placing my life and my accreditation at risk?!
Butt-head: Uhh…I can't swim.  Uh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah.  Heh heh.  Me too.
Buzzcut: And what about your patent disregard for Beavis!  Do you not care a rat's ass for the safety of your closest companion!?
Butt-head: Uhh…no.

"Blackout!" [4.11]Edit

TV Voice-over:  We now return to Robert Yearing, Mellissa Gilbert, and Lou Ferigno in Asbestos in Obstetrics.
Beavis:  Hey, Butt-head!  What is "astesbos"?
Butt-head:  Uhh…it's like health food or something.

Cop on a van loudspeaker:  Do not panic.  There has been a small transformer explosion at the electric plant.  Power will be restored shortly.  Cititzens are advised to store fresh water supplies and canned goods.  Or, uh, you should have already done that, I guess.  Hope you did.  Attention citizens!  Do not panic.

[blackout occurs; people are looting around town]
Butt-head:  Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?
Beavis:  Yeah.  Yeah.  "We're slashing prices!  Everything must go!"
Butt-head:  That was cool.  We gotta find a place to watch t.v.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah.  [two men exit through a broken store window with a t.v.]
Beavis:  Hey, they've got one.
Butt-head:  Yeah.  [yelling to the men offscreen] Hey, wait up, dude.
Cop (offscreen):  Freeze!  Police!  [gunshot]
Butt-head:  Uhh…never mind.

Mr. Van Driessen:  [directing traffic]  That's right, everyone.  If we all work together and respect one another's space, we'll get through this crisis with a newfound sense of community.
Truck Driver:  Get out of the street, you longhaired panty-waist!

Mr. Van Driessen:  I need to go coordinate the emergency shelter at the Y, but I can't move my post until I'm relieved.
Butt-head:  Uhh…just go behind a building, dude.  No one will see.

Butt-head:  Mr. Stevenson, is that you?
Mr. Steveson:  Beavis, Butt-head, thank god!  What happened?  Tell me what happened!
Butt-head:  Our t.v. broke.
Beavis:  Can we watch it at your house?
[Stevenson groans]

"Late Night with Butt-head" [4.12]Edit

Mr. Van Driessen:  Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
Butt-head:  Uh…is that allowed on school property?

Butt-head:  [as David Letterman]  So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in Butt, Montana.  [bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis [Paul Shaffer]'s glasses]]
Beavis:  Aagghh!
Butt-head:  Whoa!  That was cool!

Butt-head:  We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.

"The Final Judgement of Beavis" [4.13]Edit

Beavis:  So, like, in Heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?
St.  Peter:  No.
Beavis:  That sucks.  Do I get X-ray vision?  Can I get some nachos?
St.  Peter:  No.
Beavis:  Are you sure this is Heaven? 

Beavis:  What do you know, asswipe?
St.  Peter:  I know everything, buttmunch. 

Butt-head:  Beavis is not dog food.  He's worm food.

"Pool Toys" [4.14]Edit

Tom Anderson:  You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.
Butt-head:  Beavis does things by himself. 

Tom Anderson:  [cleaning his glasses, unable to notice his two workers are Beavis and Butt-head wearing nerd glasses]  Well I can see you boys aren't like the usual hooligans hanging around here.  Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver.  Boy, they've been nothing but trouble.

"Madame Blavatsky" [4.15]Edit

Beavis:  Woah, hey check that out!
Butt-head:  [pronouncing "fortune teller"]  Fuh…fuh fart…Fuuh…forr…tuu…"Fortune," huh, huh, "Fortune Teller."
Beavis:  Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune.  Heh, heh, heh.
Butt-head:  No dumbass.  She tells your fourtune.
Beavis:  Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-head, what's that mean?
Butt-head:  You know, your future.
Beavis:  Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?
Butt-head:  I don't know.  Huh, huh, huh.

Madame Blavasky:  [on the phone]  You better not come around here again, Lester, or I'm calling the cops!!  [Beavis and Butt-head walk in]  Wait, I got some customers.

Madame Blavasky:  I see…a mansion…with many faithful servants…a yacht…
Beavis:  I don't see any of that crap.

[Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress]
Butt-head:  I didn't know you were psychic, Beavis.
Beavis:  Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?
Butt-head:, No Beavis, they said you were psycho.

"Beavis and Butt-head's Island" [4.16]Edit

Salesclerk:  You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store.  Am I right?
Butt-head:  Uhh…
Beavis:  Umm…
SalesclerkOnly paying customers are allowed to come here and stare.  Now, get out!

Janator:  [noticeing that Beavis and Butt-head have been on the island in the fountain for a very long time]  You do know that the water is only like two feet deep and you can walk across, right?

"Figure Drawing" [4.17]Edit

[after the male model becomes nude]
Butt-head:  Uh, tacos?  You said there were tacos?
Beavis:  I don't feel too good.  I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

"Date Bait" [4.18]Edit

"Butt Is It Art?" [4.19]Edit

Butt-head:  [referring to a nude male statue's penis]  Huh, huh…it's hard, but it's not, like, hard?
Mr. Van Driessen:  Very good, Butt-head!

Mr. Van Driessen:  Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!  [Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter]
Daria:  He said master painters!
Butt-head:  Oh!
Beavis:  Yeah, master painting is cool.

Beavis:  What did you bring back, Butt-head?
Butt-head:  One giant boob.  [shows Beavis]  What did you bring back?  [Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]  Uh, what is it?
Beavis:  Heh heh.  It's a butt.

"Right On" [4.20]Edit

Gus Baker:  You've got The Gus Baker Show, and the first topic:  The death penalty!  Yes or no?
Butt-head:  Yes!
Beavis:  Yes!  The chair!  The chair!!  The chair!!
Gus Baker:  In my opinion, you betcha!
Butt-head:  Yes!
Beavis:  Yes!  The chair!!  The chair!!
Gus Baker:  And they call me reactionary…because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
Butt-head:  This dude's cool.
Gus Baker:  Also on today's show: music videos!  Who makes these affronts to common decency?!  Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
Butt-head:  Yeah.  They suck!!
Gus Baker:  But first, a commercial!  Our lines are open!  Give us a call!

Butt-head:  We think you're, like, cool.
Beavis:  Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair.  The chair!!  The chair!!
Gus Baker:  The death penalty?
Beavis:  Yeah, and what you said about bums.
Butt-head:  Yeah. And videos.
Gus Baker:  Well, like they say: great minds think alike!  You know, talking to you, boys. I can tell our young people still has the moral strength and character to make this country right again!
Butt-head:  Uhh…what?

Gus Baker:  Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show!  Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
Gus Baker:  Now, people say that yours is a lost generation…violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
Butt-head:  Huhuh, not Beavis.
Beavis:  Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
Gus Baker:  Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men…a credit to the youth of America!
Butt-head:  [looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience]  Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
Gus Baker:  Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men, don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos"?
Beavis and Butt-head:  Yeah!  Really!!
Gus Baker:  These "rock videos" are immoral!  Indecent!  Profane!  Scurrillous!  And blasphemous!
Beavis:  Yeah!  They suck!  They suck!!  Indecent!  Profane!
Butt-head:  Yeah, especially Meatloaf.  He sucks!
Gus Baker:  Hey!  We're on the air!  You can't use that language!
Beavis:  We use language?
Butt-head:  [after Gus Baker whispers into his ear]  Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."
Beavis:  Really?  That sucks.
Butt-head:  Can we say "buttwipe"?
Beavis:  Yeah, how about "bunghole"?  Bunghole!
Butt-head:  What about "buttmunch"?
Beavis:  Yeah heheh, "buttmunch." Or "dillhole"?
Butt-head:  "Dillweed"?
Gus Baker:  Hey! Do you use that language at home?
Butt-head:  Uhh…yeah!
Beavis:  Hey Gus, check this out. Yeah… peek-a-boo!!  [moons the audience]
Gus Baker:  [running in front of Beavis]  Go! Go! Go to the commercial! Go to the commercial!
Announcer:  Make a positive change in america. Pledge $10 to elect Gus Baker President.
Gus Baker:  GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!
Butt-head:  Uhh…do you use that language at home?
Beavis:  Peek-a-boo!! [presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage]

Butt-head:  [watching a replay in which Beavis's mooning is pixelated]  Hey Beavis…what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?
Beavis:  I don't know…is it still there?  [mooning Butt-head]
Butt-head:  Uh, no…but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.
Beavis:  Uh…heheh, oh yeah, sorry.  I was in a hurry.
Butt-head:  Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom, now.
Beavis:  Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

Note:  In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butt-head, Butt-head goes straight to simply responding, "Beavis, get your butt out of my face, now," and the episode ends.

"Manners Suck" [4.21]Edit

Beavis:  [acting as a waiter]  Uh, hi, Butt-head.
Butt-head:  Hi, Master Beavis.
Beavis:  I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole!  Uh, welcome to a restaurant.  Would you like to take my order?
Butt-head:  Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
Mr. Manners:  [grabs Butt-head by the collar]  Listen, you little…t-t-twerp!  This is my job, this is how I make money!  Don't screw with me!  [goes back to his place]  Now, how about using some manners?
Butt-head:  Manners suck.
Beavis:  Hey Butt-head.  Don't "screw" with him.
Butt-head:  Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
Beavis:  Yeah.  He tried to touch my weiner.
Mr. Manners:  What?!  You little liar!  [starts strangling Beavis]
Beavis:  Back off, you pervert! 
Mr. Manners:  [David Van Driessen comes in]  He's lying!
David Van Driessen:  Hey!  Don't you dare lay a finger on my students!  [breaks them up]  Beavis, did he hit you?
Beavis:  Heh.  Um.  Heh.  Yes, sir.  Heh.  He did.  Heh.  Thank you for your concern.
Mr. Manners:  Why, you little dirtball!!  [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]
David Van Driessen:  You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!  [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]
Mr. Manners:  I'll get you, you little punks!!
Butt-head:  Uh, no thank you, sir.
Beavis:  Yeah.  Thank you.  Drive through.
David Van Driessen:  Stop it!  [throws a punch]  Stop it!
Mr. Manners:  You're dead, hippie.
David Van Driessen:  You're going to jail, jackass!
Mr. Manners:  You're going down, Woodstock!
David Van Driessen:  [throws another punch]  Take that, you fascist!
Mr. Manners:  You're hurting me!  Security!!

[in the bathroom, Beavis and Butt-head are sitting in toilet stalls next to one another; Butt-head groans, strains, and pushes in vain]
Butt-head:  Please come out.  Please!  [laughs in relief as a excrement drops into the toilet]
Beavis:  Yeah, me, too!  [grunts, strains, and pushes, but nothing emerges]  Hey, Butt-head, it won't come out.  [continues straining without result]
Butt-head:  Maybe you should try using manners.
Beavis:  Oh, yeah!  Umm, please come out of my butt.  [groans and strains]  Please!  [feels relief as the excrement drops]  Thank you, drive through.
Butt-head:  Manners.  Hey, Beavis, will you please wipe my butt?

"The Pipe of Doom" [4.22]Edit

Butt-head:  I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for, like, crap?
Beavis:  Yeah, heh heh.  That would be cool if they really had, like, pipes with crap and turds running through them. Heh heh.
Butt-head:  They do, dumbass.  How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?
Beavis:  It doesn't.  It's in my basement in little jars. Heh heh.
Butt-head:  That's pretty disgusting, Beavis.
Beavis:  Yeah, I know. Heh heh.

Butt-head:  I can't get out.  I'm, like, stuck.  Huh huh.
Beavis:  Really, heh heh.  That's cool.
Butt-head:  It's not cool, Beavis.  I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

"Safe Driving" [4.23]Edit

"Mr Anderson's Balls" [4.24]Edit

BeavisTit…le…ist!

Butt-head:  Beavis, your balls are filthy.  Go to the ball washer, now!

[Beavis starts pumping ball washer]
Golf Instructor:  You're pulling your head on every stroke.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster]  Let me see your bag.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster]  Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis.  We could get rich doing this.  We need to get more balls.
Beavis:  [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head.  You said, heh, "We need to get more balls."
Butt-head:  Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

Mr. Anderson:  Wait a minute!  These balls look kinda familiar.
Butt-head:  Uh, many balls look the same, sir.
Beavis:  Yeah, I have two that are identical.

"Patients Patients" [4.25]Edit

Orthodontist:  Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here.  Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
Butt-head:  Huh huh huh, headgear.

Buzzcut:  Now, Butt-head!  You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble.  Our topic for today is?  ["SEXUAL INTERCOURSE" is written on the board]
Butt-head:  [with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly]  Sefual intercorfe!
Buzzcut:  Say it, you pantywaste!  Say it!
Butt-head:  [still muffled]  Sefual intercorfe!
Buzzcut:  Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot!  Beavis!  What does this say?
Beavis:  [wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read]  Uh…uh…uh…
Buzzcut:  Get out! 

Optometrist:  Now what do you see?  [points to vision test board]
Beavis:  Ummm.  Uh, the alphabet.  Heh Heh.

Optometrist:  You're not leaving until you get one right.  [points to the letter 'O']
Beavis:  Oh, that's a letter right?

Young woman:  [thinking] Please don't let them sit over here.  Please don't let them sit over here.  Please, God, don't let them sit over here.
Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis, let's sit over there.

Butt-head:  Hey, baby.  You got any cavities?

"Teen Talk" [4.26]Edit

Beavis:  Hey Butt-head, someone, like, stole our women!
Butt-head:  That sucks.
Beavis:  Yeah!  It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, really sucks!  We're never gonna score!  We’re gonna be wussies!  Forever!
Butt-head:  Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis:  No, I can't settle down!  We're never gonna score!  We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score ever!  It's gonna suck!
Bouncer:  Hey, I warned you to be quiet!  Don't make me come up there!
Beavis:  Shut up, asswipe!  You probably score!  And you're a dork!  I'm never gonna score!  I'm never gonna score!  It's gonna suck!  Ahhhh!  Aaahhh!  Ahhh!

"Crisis Line" [4.27]Edit

Stewart:  [on the phone]  I, sometimes I wet the bed.  Isn't it, like, normal?  What happened if I get married?
Beavis:  Is this, is this, uh…hey, Stewart!
Stewart:  [embarrassed]  Oh no.
Beavis:  Stewart, what a weiner!  Heh heh heh!  [Stewart's face turns red in humiliation]
Beavis:  [sing-song]  Stewart wets his bed, da-na!
Stewart:  [humiliated]  Oh, God!  [quickly hung up]
Beavis:  [sing-song]  Stewart wets his bed, da-na!  Heh heh heh!

Butt-head:  Uh…I've got a crisis…in my pants.

"Beavis and Butt-head vs. the Vending Machine" [4.28]Edit

Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis.  I just thought of something.  Whoever buys the next pork rinds is gonna get our bag, plus another one.
Beavis:  Cool!  Yeah, let's wait 'til they come, and then kick their ass.  Yeah, yeah!  Heh heh.
Butt-head:  No, dumbass.  I mean, like, if we get another 60 cents, we could like, get 2 for the price of 1.  Huh huh.
Beavis:  2 for the price of 1?  Heh heh.  That would be cool!

Butt-head:  Uh…I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's, like, uh, starving and stuff.
Old woman:  Really?  Well, where is your friend?
Butt-head:  Uh…uh, he's, like, overseas or something.
Old woman:  Oh, I've seen those commercials.
Butt-head:  Yeah, me, too.
Old woman:  It's so sad.  [hands Butt-head a dollar]  Here you go.
Butt-head:  Uh…no.  I said I need 60 cents, Buttmunch.
Old woman:  [getting into car]  That's okay.  I don't mind giving a little more.
Butt-head:  Uh…okay.  [stares at her]
Old woman:  Yes?
Butt-head:  Uh…I thought you said you were gonna give me some more.

"Generation in Crisis" [4.29]Edit

Reporter:  In your own words, Steven, what is your raison d'être?
Beavis:  Um…it's in my pants.
Reporter:  Where do you picture yourself in ten years?
Butt-head:  Uhh…uh uh…uhh…uh uh…
Reporter:  You have a 21st-century marketplace, you're gonna enter would-be global electronic village.  How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world?
Butt-head:  Uhh…you said "enter"…uh uh…
Reporter:  What are you feeling, right now?
Beavis:  My left nad.  It itches.  Can I say "nad"?
Reporter:  There is no censorship of any kind.  This is an independant documentary film.  With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.
Butt-head:  Uh uh…censorship is cool.
Beavis:  Yeah.  Uh uh…censorship is cool.  Uh uh…
Butt-head:  I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.
Beavis:  Yeah, like…somebody's talking.  And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"
Off Voice:  Oh!  Cut!

"Radio Sweethearts" [4.30]Edit

Butt-head:  [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets"] The teenth, cooler…
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ):  Tenth caller…
Butt-head:  Gets a free tattoo on his butt!
Beavis:  Yeah.
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ):  A great joke, Butt-head.  Of course, he means tickets to tonight's Bon Jovi concert.  I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Beavis and Butt-head, but keep listening because somebody always wins.  [off air, to Beavis and Butt-head] You guys get the hell out of here and never come back!
Butt-head:  Huh, huh, you're old.
Beavis:  Yeah, and you suck-suck-suck-suck-suck-suck!  Suck-suck-suck, suck-suck!
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): Out!
Beavis:  Hey, what about our $5 birth certificates, bunghole?
Rabid Ron (Radio DJ): Out!

"The Great Cornholio" [4.31]Edit

Stewart's Mom:  Have you boys eaten breakfast?
Beavis:  …I think I did once. 

[eating breakfast burritos]
Butt-head:  Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?
Beavis:  Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!
Butt-head:  Ugh!  What the hell is this crap?  This isn't a burrito.
Beavis:  Yeah, I got eggs in mine!  She tricked us.
Butt-head:  No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea. 

Mr. Van Driessen:  It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights.  We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years.  In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky.  The struggle for freedom is by no means over.  It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama…
Beavis:  [as Cornholio]  Nicaragua?  Agua!  Agua for my binghole!!
Mr. Van Driessen:  Beavis, please sit down.
Beavis:  Are you threatening me?  I am the Great Cornholio!
Mr. Van Driessen:  Come on, Beavis, take your seat.  Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic
Beavis:  [to Daria] Do you have t.p.?  T.p.  for my bunghole?
Daria:  Get out of here, Beavis.
Beavis:  Uhh, Okay.

Principal McVicker: I don't know what your problem is, but I simply cannot have students roaming the hallways during class, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.

BeavisDo not make my bunghole angry!

"Liar!  Liar!" [4.32]Edit

Burger World Manager:  [counting money]  Fifty, sixty, sixty five-
Butt-head:  Twelve.
Burger World Manager:  Shut up.  [counts in the background]
Beavis:  One!  Twenty-five cents.
Butt-head:  Uh, Sixty-nine.
Beavis:  Number two.
Burger World Manager:  Eighty three, eighty four, shut up

Beavis:  I didn't do it!  I didn't do it!  It was like…some foreigner.

Beavis:  Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?
Butt-head:  I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.
Beavis:  Oh yeah, that stuff's cool.  I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] "rrrghgrggrhgrhg."

Butt-head:  Beavis, you suck as a liar.
Beavis:  Heh, yeah, liar.  Liar! Liar, liar, pants on-…heh!  Woah.

[Butt-head is hooked up to the lie detector tester]
Mr. O'Brien:  Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions.  Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt.  Do you understand?
Butt-head:  Uh…  yeah.  [detector buzzes 'false']  Uh huh huh.  Uh, I mean, no.  [detector dings 'true']  Huh huh huh.
Mr. O'Brien:  Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about.  Let's begin.
Butt-head:  Uh huh huh huh.  [takes a deep breath and holds it] Huh huh…

[Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red]
Mr. O'Brien:  Okay, now.  Please tell me your name.
Butt-head:  [trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time]  Butt-head…
Mr. O'Brien:  Okay, good.  Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?
Butt-head:  [his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head]  Uhh, four?  [detector dings 'true']]
Mr. O'Brien:  Well, it's three, actually, but since you think it's four, you didn't really lie.  So, that's good.  [Butt-head's face turns crimson red]  Now, Butt-head, tell me.  In all of your life, have you ever stolen anything?

Beavis:  [still in the waiting room]  I didn't do it, bunghole!  Heh heh.

[lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently; Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, and he is on the verge of losing consciousness]
Mr. O'Brien:  I'll repeat the question, Butt-head.  Have you ever stolen anything?
Butt-head:  Uhh… [wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses] Uhhhh… [collapses from asphyxiation] Uh huh huh huh… [the detector lets out a flat pulse]

[Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester]
Mr. O'Brien:  Good.  Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here.  Could you say something?
Beavis:  Uh, heh, yeah, heh.
Mr. O'Brien:  Just say anything.  The first thing that comes into your mind.
Beavis:  Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.  [detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it]

News Reporter:  When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than two decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, "He's very clever".

CastEdit

See alsoEdit

External linksEdit