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Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)

season of television series

"Comedians" [3.01]Edit

Butt-head:  Uh…Hey Beavis.  I got an idea.
Beavis:  Yeah, me too!  Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something.  [holds up a lighter]
Butt-head:  No, dumbass.  Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.

Butt-head:  Here's another one.  How do you keep a moron in suspense?  [long pause, Beavis stares intently]  …Uh…I dunno.

Member of audience:  You suck, get off!
Butt-head:  Uh, is that what she said?

Beavis:  You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks?  Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, "This sucks."
Butt-head:  Huh huh, this is cool.
Beavis:  One thing about gym class…it sucks.  Okay, now I'm gonna like…juggle. 
Butt-head:  Go for it, Beavis!
Beavis:  This is gonna be cool.  [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]  Fire!  Fire!

"Carwash" [3.02]Edit

BeavisCool.  The battery's leaking acid.
Butt-head:  That's not cool, dude.  A new battery will cost two bucks at least.

Butt-head:  Whoa.  Maybe we should, uh…"dry it off" now.
Beavis:  No way.
Butt-head:  I mean dry it off by driving it.  The keys are in the car, dude.

Beavis:  [feigning injury]  Ah!  My liver!  My liver!

"Couch-Fishing" [3.03]Edit

Policeman:  Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street.  They never learn.

Old woman:  What happened to my spectacles?
Butt-head:  Uh, your testicles?

"Incognito" [3.04]Edit

Butt-head:  [fake accent]  I'm Bunghead and he's Crevasse.  Huh huh.  We are foreign extra-strange students.

Butt-head:  [fake accent]  He was aiming at us.  Huh huh.
Beavis:  [fake accent]  He didn't fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  Heh heh heh.  Fire!  Huh heh heh.  Yeah.

"Kidnapped" [3.05, 3.06]Edit

"Naked Colony" [3.07]Edit

Store clerk:  Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?
Butt-head:  Uh, we're gonna stare all day. 

Butt-head:  [reading an advertisement in a magazine]  Uh Sunny Grove Nudist colo…cola…naked people.

"Tornado" [3.08]Edit

Beavis:  Tornadoes are cool!  They can drive matches through a 2x4!

"Cleaning House" [3.09]Edit

"Scratch 'n' Win" [3.10]Edit

"Scared Straight" [3.11]Edit

Butt-head:  Prison rules.

"Eating Contest" [3.12]Edit

Butt-head:  They're gonna lose.
Beavis:  Where's the bratwurst?

"Sporting Goods" [3.13]Edit

Coach Buzzcut:  [Reading Beavis and Butt-head's self written note]  "Please excuse Beavis and Butt-head from wearing althetic sip-otters.  They were unable to buy them because of a national sip-otter shortage."  Hell, that's funny, boys.  [shows Beavis and Butt-head a front page with themselves wearing an eye patch as Athletic Guard]  Accortding to the school press, you had no problem at all locating the necessary equipment.

[Beavis and Butt-head are dueling grasshoppers]
Beavis:  Your's is a wuss.
Butt-head:  Shut up Beavis.

"Sperm Bank" [3.14]Edit

Nurse:  Well, gentlemen, go to work.  [Beavis unzips his pants]  …On your tests.
Beavis:  …Oh.  [zips back up]

Nurse:  Where's your container?
Beavis:  I was supposed to use a container?

[Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and the sperm doctor are shocked to find the boys goofing off juggling the jars]
Doctor:  You kids are going to pay for those.
Butt-head:  No problem dude, you want cash or should we go spank the monkey again.
Beavis:  Yeah.
Mr. Stevenson:  What the hell!?  These are the boy geniuses you're talking about!?  What's so funny you little twerps!?  I'll spank your monkeys!!

Butt-head:  He's fallen and he can't "get it up."

"Buff 'n' Stuff" [3.15]Edit

Buzzcut:  You are what you eat!  You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds!  And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!

Buzzcut:  Are you a man?
Butt-head:  Uhhh, yeah.
Buzzcut:  What makes you think so?
Butt-head:  Uhhh, I got testicles. 
Beavis:  Heh, heh.  Yeah.  [suddenly drops barbell on his throat, choking himself]
Buzzcut:  You clowns think you're so damn funny!  You say you're a man?  Prove it!
Butt-head:  Uhhh… [Butt-head flexes his arm, which falls limp]
Buzzcut:  You want to see a man, boy?  I'll show you a man!  Kick me in the jimmy!!
Butt-head:  Huh, huh.  No way!
Buzzcut:  I said do it!
[Butt-head kicks him in the nuts; Buzzcut strains]
Buzzcut:  Yyyyeesss!  Do it again!  Do it hard!
[Butt-head kicks him again; Buzzcut strains]
Buzzcut:  Yyyyeessss!!
Butt-head:  Whoa, that was cool. 

"Citizen Butt-head" [3.16, 3.17]Edit

"Politically Correct" [3.18]Edit

"Ball Breakers" [3.19]Edit

"Beavis and Butt-head Meet God" [3.20, 3.21]Edit

"True Crime" [3.22]Edit

Butt-head:  Huh huh huh.  Maybe we should go buy something.
Beavis:  Yeah.  Heh heh heh.  Like what?  Heh heh heh.
TV announcer:  Good evening and welcome to America's Most Hated.  What you're about to see is a crime so heinous, so replusive, so actual, it may shake your very faith in human nature.

"The Trial" [3.23]Edit

Judge:  You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?
Butt-head:  I can handle it, dude.  I've like, seen The People's Court.
Judge:  You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and—
Beavis:  [laughing with Butt-head]  She said penal.

"The Crush" [3.24]Edit

[Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes]
Todd:  Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?
[the pair raise their hands; Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis's throat]
Todd:  If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot. 
Beavis:  Whoa, heh heh, cool.
Todd:  Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.
Butt-head:  Err, Okay.  [Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off]

Todd:  [Whilst suffocating Butt-head]  What do you fuzz-nuts want?

"Plate Frisbee" [3.25]Edit

Beavis:  [on the phone with the Home Shoping network]  Yeah, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.

"Canoe" [3.26]Edit

Butt-head:  Told ya, dude.  Huh huh.  He wants you.  [Beavis's face turns red and Beavis whacks Butt-head's face with an oar; a fight ensues until both boys fall off canoe]

Mr. Van Driessen:  Okay, Stew, let's pitch a tent.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]  Grab a pole.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]  Stick it in the hole, Stewart.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]  Okay, boys, let's erect this thing.  [Beavis and Butt-head laugh when they emerge from the bushes in their underwear, and then they begin to itch from the poison ivy]

"Young, Gifted, & Crude" [3.27]Edit

[being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game]
Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis…I got a "charmed long staff."  [turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose]

"Foreign Exchange" [3.28]Edit

"A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head" [CS.1]Edit

Note:  See Beavis and Butt-head (specials) for quotes from this Christmas special.

"Closing Time" [3.29]Edit

Butt-head:  One family pack of chicken nuggets.
Beavis:  One large cola.
[tosses both at the ceiling fan, splattering it]
Butt-head:  Would you like fries with that?
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah I will.

"Most Wanted" [3.30]Edit

Beavis:  Butt tattoos kick ass!
Butt-head:  And ass tattoos kick butt.

Beavis:  Voices are cool.  I hear voices too.  They tell me to do stuff like stay home from school, and watch TV, and, like, break stuff, and like…
Butt-head:  Whoa.  Preach on, brother Beavis.

CastEdit

External linksEdit