American Dad! (season 4)

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American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.

The Vacation Goo

Francine: I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday night dinners.

Klaus: Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that's cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist.

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

[Stan parks next to the window of his house as in drive-thru]

Stan: Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.

Francine: Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!

Stan: Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.

[The family is in a lifeboat starving]

Hayley: We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it, Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?

Francine: This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.

Hayley: [gasp] Steve's hiding food!

Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.

[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]

Hayley: Give it to me!

Francine: Share it! You have to share it!

[Steve drops the picture into the ocean]

Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!

Becky: [sees an island] Look!

[The family is hiding in a cave]

Hayley: I'm exhausted.

Francine: I'm starving!

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!

Steve: We could go skiing!

Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, and watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...

Hayley: But-

Stan: Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.

Francine: Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.

Stan: Did someone say, "skiing"?

[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]

Stan: I'm thinking of a person.

Steve: Ronald Reagan?

Stan: Damn!

Francine: All I want is to have dinner once a while and spend some real quality time together, but you know what? I'm done, done! Because you are a complete ass family. If somebody asks me in the house, I say 'The Asses' and I might be right.

Stan: May God be with us!

Meter Made

[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]

Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.

Hayley: [in robe] Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.

[She disrobes and poses]

Roger: Nnnice... [He waves and smiles]

[Hayley gasps and covers herself]

Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...

Dope & Faith

Steve: My potions partner! You're my Ron Weasley!

Hoppy: Lávate las manos.

Steve: Is that a spell?

Hoppy: Lávate las manos.

Steve: Lávate las manos.

Hoppy: ¡Lávate... las... manos!

Steve: ¡Lávate... las... manos!

Hoppy: ¡LAVATE LAS MANOS!

Steve: ¡LAVATE LAS MANOS!

Stan: I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?

Father Donovan: Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.

Big Trouble in Little Langley [3.04]

Stan: Why did you cut Francine out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?

Mr. Ling:(reveals his and Mama's true reasons) Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?

Stan: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

Mr. Ling: Francine is our smart daughter. We never have to worry about her...and she married OK.

Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.

Steve: Snot, remember that time I gave you half an orange?

Snot: Yeah.

Steve: Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass!

[later]

Klaus: No, I don't remember you remember you giving me half an orange, so no, you can't.

Steve: Why does everybody hate me so much?!

Roger: Hey, guess what? I'm flame retardant.

Steve: Can I blow you up with firecrackers?

Roger: I don't see why not.

Steve: Awesome!

[We see Roger wearing a daredevil outfit and sitting on a heap of fireworks]

Steve: I will now recklessly blow up my cousin, Roger.

[Lindsey Coolidge loosens one of her buttons]

Steve: For good measure, I'm gonna set the whole thing off with this. The Finger Blaster.

Toshi: フィンガーブラスターほど女の子を夢中にさせるものはありません。[Japanese to English translation: Nothing gets a girl going quite like a Finger Blaster.]

[Steve lights the Finger Blaster; it explodes in his hand due to a quick-burning fuse]

Steve: Ah! My thumb! I blew off my thumb!

Barry: We're gonna get in trouble! Ruuuuun!

[Steve is clutching his hand and squirming in pain]

Roger: Okay, golden opportunity. Say "Charlie, they took my thumb." [beat] Eric Roberts, Pope of Greenwich Village. You're a lot of fun.

Haylias [3.05]

[Hayley's trigger phrase]

Stan: I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

Hayley: It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.

Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.

Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.

Beth: Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley: The path to happiness?

Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]

Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

[Hayley holds Stan at gunpoint]

Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-

[Hayley shoots him]

Stan: Man, I can't believe I survived a shot to the head.

Klaus: Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss, but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend.

Stan: Who's the talking fish?

42-Year-Old Virgin [3.6]

Francine: He's still the same person he was last night. It's just our opinion of him that's changed.

Stan: There was a Space War?

Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.

Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.

Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--

Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. **[Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!**

The part in asteriks is a DVD-exclusive scene and does not air when shown on FOX, Cartoon Network, TBS, or local network syndication.

Stan: I hope my son is still about to be molested! I need a half price ticket.

Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.

[Stan chugs the soda]

Stan: [panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!

Stan: Once again, Bad Larry, I am so sorry.

Roger: I can't believe you fired a shot that completely missed Randy and went through the waterfall, hitting Bad Larry who was on the other side. (pause) What? I'm just trying to make sure we're all clear.

Bad Larry: I'm not gonna make it. See, Stan? It was me all along. I was your "one," and you didn't even know it.

Stan: (about to cry) Bad Larry.

Bad Larry: Hey, hey, no tears, you. I am one bad, bad Larry.

Stan: I'll never forget you, Bad Larry. You'll always be my first.

Bad Larry: I'm glad it was me. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]

Stan: What did he mean by that?

Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead. [exits]

Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?

Surro-Gate [3.07]

Beth: Doctor says I have a big, spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.

Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al, actually a woman named Alison]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your -- HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!

[beat]

Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.

[nine months later...]

Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!

Klaus: Do what?

Roger: Get your revenge!

Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?

Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...

Roger: GOOD, good... us too.

Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA!

Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

The Most Adequate Christmas Ever [3.08]

Stan: [to Francine] Honey, just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator, doesn't mean you know how it works.

[Klaus is riding on a model train]

God: Klaus, you got the train to work.

Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.

[everyone gasps]

Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]

God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.

Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.

God: Look, everything happens for a reason.

Stan Smith: What reason could there be?

God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.

Stan Smith: What?

God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.

[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]

Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!

God: Not gonna happen.

Stan Smith: You have to!

God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?

Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.

God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.

Stan Smith: I don't do that!

God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

Frannie 911 [3.09]

Stan: Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?

Klaus: [offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!

Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

Steve: Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.

Stan: What?

Francine: There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?

Stan: Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.

Francine: (She lights a Cigarette and blow smoke as she asked Stan about Roger) I miss Roger, don't you miss Roger?

Stan: Nope.

Francine: Well, maybe you don't miss him now. But sometimes, the things we take for granted...disappear. And we can never get them back. (She took a puff of her Cigarette as Klaus took a picture of Francine's G-Spot)

[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]

Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.

[Steve dances]

Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.

[flower perks up]

Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the likes of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.

Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.

Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.

Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

Tearjerker [3.10]

[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]

Stan: Ow! What the hell?! Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were, like, an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds] Douche.

Stan: So what new gadgets have you got for me, S?

S (Steve): Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. [Stan turns top, emits green gas] When that gas comes in contact with a woman, it's makes her breasts grow bigger.

Stan: Don't you have anything a little more..useful?

S: Ahh, right, right! Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cellphone, yes? Well, open it and press 3. [Stan presses 3] Yeah, see, if you're a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now.

Tearjerker (Roger): [rising up in a zeppelin] You'll never catch me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah..! [Stan is right next to him] Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't ya? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently: more quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I like to sit down.

Tearjerker: Oh, my God, you smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago; came with my Reuben. I'm so fat...

Stan: I'm gonna go hit the juice bar, you wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters; it's more about juice.

Tearjerker: The film is opening on 500,000 screens in just a few minutes. With all the crap I'm releasing against it, people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold and... then... they... will... cry... and... then... die. Pie? You can't have any.

Tearjerker: Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous.

Tearjerker: Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?!

Mani (Terry): Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! [Tearjerker shove both, looking at the laptop]

Tearjerker: Smith! He found the one thing people want to see more than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy with a cancer riddled puppy!

Tchochkie (Klaus): [gasps] Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online!

Stan: That's nice, guys. Okay, Matt Damon and Lucy Liu, you're next. Oh, look at the little guy. It's Dad's A-list then it's Mom's B-list; so it's a B-plus right off the bat.

Tearjerker: [before he and his escape pod crash into a volcano] MIKE, YOU'RE THE WORST CONTRACTOR EVEEEER!

Sexpun (Francine): Oh my God, you really are a virgin!

Stan: What? That's not good?

Sexpun: No...it's awful.

Oedipal Panties [3.11]

[Roger opens the bathroom door and stares in abject horror at Stan and Betty sharing a candlelit bath together]

Stan: [to the tune of Drunken Sailor]

What do you do when your mom's unhappy?

Jerry left her feeling crappy,

Sing her a shanty, nice and snappy,

Wash her in the bathtub!

[Francine joins Roger at the door, smiling smugly as Roger continues to look on in horror]

Wash, wash, wash your V-J,

Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,

Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,

Next, we'll do your tushie.

Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,

Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,

Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,

We just did your tushie!

[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]

Francine: I told you it was complicated.

Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?

Betty: I don't understand. We had such a good time on our first two dates. Then we were at the movies. He went to get popcorn and never came back. I had to watch the whole thing by myself. Adam Sandler had a remote control, I didn't know what was happening.

Stan: Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.

Stan: Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!

Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?

Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!

Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.

[as Stan and Francine are making out]

Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus!

Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.

[Francine has discovered that Stan has been abducting his mother's boyfriends]

Stan: Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!

[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]

Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!

Widowmaker [3.12]

Stan: Let go of me! This is stupid!

Roger: [as a psychiatrist] You're stupid! I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients. He's a complicated teenaged drug addict who's being molested... by me.

Klaus: Never cry over a whore, Steve. Never! [starts crying] Mama!

Steve: Did you tell your best friend your deep, dark secret?

Stan: Are you kidding? She'd go straight to the CIA. They'd designate me as a blabbermouth, kill me, grind me up, and mix me into the local bologna supply. Not... not that the CIA does that. You should keep eating balogna. It's good for you.

Stan: ...my favorite movie is The 'Burbs.

Roger: In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.

Red October Sky [3.13]

Francine: Oh my god.

Stan: Then, I give my money to your mother who spends it on speeding tickets.

Francine: I like to race school buses!

Sergei: Once we were foes lockin' a death stuggle; now he works for me. Stalin's up in heaven cryin' his eyes out.

Sergei: Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.

Stan: That'll never happen! Steve's an American boy! He's made of my American juices, baked in his mother's American oven.

Office Spaceman [3.14]

Bullock: Dick, I believe you're up.

Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.

Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.

Roger: "I told you to listen to me." He did. He totally did. "P.S. Francine called, Lady Peckinpaw is dead." Eh.

Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold [3.15]

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter? Look at her!

Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!

Hayley: It's just a nose ring.

Stan: It's a getaway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.

Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.

Stan: [digs up the gold] Me Chinese! Me make joke! Me find gold gold in your Coke!

Spring Break Up [3.16]

Jessica: Stan, What are you doing here?

Stan: I came to be with you. Hi, Tracy.

Tracy: Ew.

Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Carmen: While our producers sort this out I would like to make an announcement, Steve Smith, I flew my doctor in on my private jet and I had them removed! They're all real baby! So come and get it!

Steve: Yeah!

[the stage collapses and crushes Carmen]

Steve: No!

Female Spring Breaker: Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!

Male Spring Breaker: Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.