American Dad! (season 3)

Camp Refoogee [3.01]

Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.

Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.

Stan: [singing] Whatever.

Steve: Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!

Stan: All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.

The American Dad After School Special [3.02]

Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.

Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.

Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death a dessert.

Steve: I love dessert!

[Stan is at an anorexia support group, consisting entirely of anorexic teenage girls]

Counselor: Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.

Stan: Young lady?

Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.

Stan: I'm not in high school!

Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?

Stan: I've never menstruated!

Counselor: [to the rest of the class] You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?

Failure is not a Factory-Installed Option [3.03]

Roger: Hey Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud?

Repo Man: Here to repo the cars.

Steve: You can't do that. We're about to become men.

Repo Man: Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.

Lincoln Lover [3.04]

Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?

Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

Dungeons and Wagons [3.05]

[Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]

Klaus: Please, let me play!

Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.

Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!

Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]

Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

Klaus: I feel like we're in a rut.

Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?

Iced, Iced Babies [3.06]

Beth: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.

Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley: There's no detention in college.

Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

Of Ice and Men [3.07]

Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?

Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.

Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?

Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".

Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?

Stan: Well, honey, I-

Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!

Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Irregarding Steve [3.08]

Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.

Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

[Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]

Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!

Roger: I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!

Steve: What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!

Roger: You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?

Steve: What?! No!

Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?

Steve: No!

Roger: Oh... Then what is all this?

Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!

Roger: Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.

Steve: But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!

Roger: Ron Silver!

The Best Christmas Story Never [3.09]

Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?

Steve: An American flag?

Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.

Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?

Stan: Let's talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

Bush Comes to Dinner [3.10]

Steve: Dollywood?

Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.

Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!

Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!

Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.

American Dream Factory [3.11]

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.

Stan: You made all this in one day?

Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Hayley: He's an unregistered visitor.

Stan: [gasps] You mean an illegal alien?

Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.

Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.

A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial [3.12]

Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.

Steve: You called me a pig.

Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.

Henry: [Crying after abusing Roger]

Roger: Hey, hey, don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of amaretto and busted a growler at a museum donation box.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.

Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...

Hayley: I was talking to Steve.

Klaus: [sarcastically] Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Black Mystery Month [3.13]

Steve: You mean Jenga?

Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.

Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.

Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.

Steve: That's it!

[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

An Apocalypse to Remember [3.14]

Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.

Stan: What was that, Steve?

Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.

Stan: I love it when you kids get along.

Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?

Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Four Little Words [3.15]

Francine: [teaching Indian children] Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."

Indian Children: [in unison] Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support.

[A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera]

Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.

[A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off]

Francine: You bastard! [punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose]

Roger: [sniffing] Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!

Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

When a Stan Loves a Woman [3.16]

Steve: [explaining how he got tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice] How does anybody anything? Look, they're 20 bucks a pop. You want 'em or not? 'Cause if you don't want 'em, I got other people I can sell 'em to. Bruce Willis wants 'em. That girl who played Tank Girl. What's her name? Yeah, she wants 'em.

[After Stan tells the story of how he married Joanna at the beach.]

Hayley: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!

Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

I Can't Stan You [3.17]

Stan: [to Francine, after he hears the neighbors badmouth him] They all hate me! It's like our wedding all over again... except this time I'm you!

[Stan, using CIA powers, has seized the houses of all his neighbors]

Stan: In other words, there goes the neighborhood. [laughs] Ordinarily that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.

The Magnificent Steven [3.18]

[Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]

Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"

Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]

Joint Custody [3.19]

Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!

Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.

Stan: How... how could she do that?

[Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store]

Stan: (holding a bag of snacks) There's a leopard on the Cheetos bag! (gets a closer look) WAIT... it's a cheetah! Chee-TAH... Chee-TOS... There's... so much beauty in the world...

Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!

Stan: (turns to reveal a prone Roger) Because you're lying on them.

Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?

[Stan is standing at the checkout with a mountain of snacks. The cashier walks up.]

Stan: Hey, do you live here?

Cashier: Uhh... no.

Stan: Because I could live here! This place is great! (notices the snacks) And look! Someone picked out all my favorite stuff!

Cashier: (ringing up the snacks) That'll be...

Roger: (carrying a bag of cat food) And this!

Stan: Cat food?

Roger: (whispering) It's so I don't float away.

Cashier: That'll be $147.

Roger: How are we gonna get that much money?

Stan: We could turn in Jeff!

Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.

Stan: (beat, gasps) We gotta save Jeff!