American Dad! (season 5)

1600 Candles

[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]

Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.

Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.

[Steve comes downstairs after being injected with an aging serum]

Steve: Why?!

Stan: Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...

Steve: You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!

[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]

Stan: Puberty.

Francine: Our worst nightmare.

Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.

[Francine starts going toward bed]

Stan: Hey, what are you doing?

Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.

Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.

Francine: Barely.

[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]

Hayley: Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!

Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.

Hayley: [throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]

Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]

Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]

Hayley: I'm hideous!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]

Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.

Stan: It's pretty.

Roger: [enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?

[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming angrily]

Francine: I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.

Francine: Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?

[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]

Stan: How'd they catch you again?

(Stan is on the phone arranging for party entertainment)

Stan: Hello, I'd like a moonbounce and a sober clown for a birthday party on Saturday? [beat]: Well, do you know the number of someone who knows a sober clown? [beat]]: No, I don't think I'm asking for the world...

The One That Got Away [4.02]

Klaus: Damn you, Hasbro!

McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis", right?

Roger/Sydney Huffman: Well! I should say I am, sir. I should say I am!

McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

One Little Word [4.03]

Coco: I'm going to go soak it in your tub. [takes off her top]

Klaus: And just like that, I'm gay.

Bullock: Stan, this is Coco.

Coco: [to Stan] Got any cigarettes?

Stan: Uh, no.

Coco: Then go suck it.

Bullock: [to Stan] Isn't she great?!

Coco: [to Stan] I'm bored. Get me a movie.

Stan: Where am I gonna get a movie around here?

Coco: You're supposed to keep me happy. Or do I need to call Avery?

Stan: Fine.

Coco: Something with Matthew Perry.

Stan: Got it. Fools Rush In.

Coco: Something good!

Stan: Got it. Nothing.

Choosy Wives Choose Smith [4.04]

Stan: Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?

Stan: Come on, Francine! Small planes are the safest of all. If Richie Valens' plane had been just a little bit smaller, he'd still be alive.

Stan: Well, I'd rather be acting crazy than feeling crazy. That's good, Stan. I'm gonna write that down when we land. Oh, already forgot it.

Escape from Pearl Bailey [4.05]

Stan: It was nice of Steve to acknowledge us this week. Even if it was just this one time.

Steve: You wanna get nuts?!... let's get nuts!! [smashes glass with a strike gun]

Debbie: Let the Nerdy one go.

[Debbie's friends look confused]

Debbie: The scrawny nerdy one.

[They let Barry go]

Debbie: The scrawny nerdy one with glasses.

[They let Snot go]

Debbie: Steve.

Steve: I want you to "Turn a Trick" with this teddy bear.

Barry: Steve, help Barry!

(Before Steve and his friends get beat up)

Steve: If we're lucky, We might just take a few of them with us!!

(After Steve and his friends get beat up)

Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!!!

Angry Mobster: I'm gonna break the fat one's spine!

Barry: I'm popular.

Pulling Double Booty [4.06]

Francine: Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?

Stan: Why, is there still some on my face?

Francine: No.

Stan: Then no.

Avery Bullock: Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...

Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?

Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!

(Stan's Phone Rings)

Stan: Hello?

Francine (V.O.): Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!

Stan: So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.

Francine (V.O.): You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.

[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]

Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?

Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...

[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]

Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant.

[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]

Francine: Oh, God! Is she alright?

Stan: She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.

[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]

Stan: The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!

Francine: Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]

Stan: ...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.

Francine: ...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!

Stan: That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.

Francine: [Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--

[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]

Francine: Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!

Hayley: I think he might be the one! I mean, if he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.

Francine [nervously]: You'd be fine!

Hayley: No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!

Francine: Have f-fun, you two!

Hayley: Don't worry, we will!

[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]

Hayley: 'Cause we're finally going all the way!

[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]

Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!

Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.

(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)

Hayley: Dad?

Stan: (answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.

Hayley: Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Stan: Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**

**[Only on DVD]

Phantom of the Telethon [4.07]

Roger (trying to play ominous music on his keyboard): Let's try that on the fart setting.

Stan: So, a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for "Central Intelligence Agency". Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia".

(cut to Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi backstage)

Steve: That's not what we wrote! We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.

Snot: Balls!

Steve (chuckles): Maybe we're working too hard.

Chimdale [4.08]

Male student in Steve's school: [seeing Steve wearing a back brace for correcting his scoliosis] Different!

[all students start throwing things at Steve]

Roger: Gee, I don’t know Hayley. You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time? I’m an alcoholic, I have a problem, I’m just not ready to deal with it yet. But I will, I promise. No more empty promises, no sir—not from this alcoholic. Now hop in the suitcase and first round's on me.

(Hayley crouches in the suitcase and zips it up from the outside)

Hayley (from inside the suitcase): Are these...balloons full of heroin?

Roger (kicks the suitcase): Those are NOT for you!

Stan: Do you have any men's wigs?

Roger: Well I got a David Spade-slash-Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if it's clean.

···

Guy: Hey look, it's Owen Wilson!

Hayley: That was so close! I think he's onto us!

Roger: Get in your suitcase and don't come out until you hear me say "I'm done, go clean up, you disgust me."

Francine: Oh my neck is killing me—being trapped in this room is stressing me out.

Roger: Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!

Francine: Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...

Hayley: Mom?

Roger: I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve—oh boy, I think I raped a guy.

Stan: So now I'm gonna be bald forever, and I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.

Francine: No, not really.

Stan: What?

Hayley: It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.

Roger: Yeah Stan, I'm bald and I made out with your wife.

Stan: What?!

Stan Time [4.09]

Phillipe: [with heavy French accent] Mr. Francine, I know this must be upsetting. But understand I am a homosexual, yes?... You understand "homosexual"?...Yes?...So you will be loosing your wife not physically. But perhaps, emotionally. [walks into kitchen, Stan sits down on the couch]

Klaus: That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?...

Stan: [after taking the pills] I feel... not buzzed, but... well-rested, like I had a cup of coffee at 6:30 AM. I feel good!

Phillipe: Tu vas etre célèbre! (You'll be famous!)

Francine: "Phillipe, tu sais que ce n'est que le science qui m'interesse." (Phillipe, you know that it is only the science that interests me.)

Stan: You speak French now, too?

Francine: "Un petit peu." (A little bit.)

Family Affair [4.10]

[Roger mistakenly calls Steve "Scotty"]

Steve: Scotty?

Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!

Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Amusement park guard: Throughout the day he was with nine other families in nine different outfits, the rights to which I doubt he owns.

[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]

Tyler: What's going on?

Roger (sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.

Live and Let Fry

Klaus: [to Roger, who is beaten and bruised after his encounter with the East German Mafia] Use your board. Use your message board. (Roger scribbles down something on a small chalkboard and shows it to Klaus) "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" (Roger's eyes roll up in his head as he passes out): Oh good. The morphine's kicking in.

Roy Rogers McFreely [4.12]

Stan: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stan: Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

Roger: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Hayley (after revealing a Ghostbusters 2 tattoo on her chest): I gotta stop smoking salvia at the body paint shop.

Jack's Back [4.13]

Stan: [talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun. You should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

Bar Mitzvah Hustle

Steve: See. Thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts from the car. But that's just a misdirection; the real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.

Roger: [whispers to Barry] Scams make me so horny. [Barry looks worried]

Roger: And what Steve doesn't realize is I have a plan of my own. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy J.

[The night after Snot is framed for trying to rob Etan's bar mitzvah]

Etan: He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. Because I'm taking him before the Beth Din!

Snot: The Beth Din?

Students: What's the Beth Din? I don't know what that is, etc.

Steve: What's the Beth Din?

Skinhead: The leader of a group of Jewish elders. Yours is a rich culture which we despise.

Etan: Once the Beth Din hears what you did, not only will you be kicked out of our temple, no other temple will take you. You'll never be bar mitzvah-ed. Doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days as a child. [walks away]

Snot: [horrified] The rest of my days as a child?

Toshi: [in Japanese, subtitled] You think that's bad? I have to spend the rest of my days haunted by the ghost of a 12th-century shogun warrior.

[The ghost of a samurai warrior appears next to Toshi]

Samurai: [in Japanese, subtitled] You know they can't understand you.

Toshi: [in Japanese, subtitled] You're right, Minamoto. Today's clam chowder is quite good.

Wife Insurance [4.15]

Roger: Glock?

Stan: Check.

Roger: Kevlar vest?

Stan: Check.

Roger: Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?

Stan: Check.

Stan: Hey, lady. Is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States.

Carolyn: I'm sorry, but that balloon is for official Guinness business only.

Stan: What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"?

Carolyn: I'm sorry, sir. I can't.

Stan: [pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?

Carolyn: Alejandro, fire up the balloon!

Delorean Story-an [4.16]

Stan: Steve, don't ever tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car... twice.

Stan: Really, Steve... look at me....not a word.

Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... No, it's an addiction.

'Stan: I can't do this, it's like shaking hands with a cat.

Every Which Way But Lose [4.17]

Roger [noticing that Steve has a bloody hole where his ear used to be]: Steve... before the game, how many ears did you have?

[Steve and Roger walk in on Stan as he hangs himself]

Steve: Oh my God! Dad!

Roger: Now, hang on Steve. He's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

Weiner of Our Discontent [4.18]

Stan: [to Roger] Here's the parent company. Here's the subsidiary. Here's the branch of Food Co that presides over Hotdog Hauss. Here's Hotdog Hauss. Here's East Central Division. Here's this warehouse and this tiny little spot here is you.

Steve: Anyone get a boner when Akiko slapped me? [he stands up and walks past a table of girls, hunched over] You know what's also funny? Walking like a gorilla?

[Steve continues walking past, making ape noises]

Daddy Queerest [4.19]

Stan: [drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!

Tank Bates: What're you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.

Stan: No she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!

Tank Bates: ...What?

Stan: Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!

[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. his father, confused, catches him]

Stan: See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!

[collapses forward and lands flat on his face]

Francine: Why did you do that?

Stan: Do what? Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire?

(Steve comes home drunk)

Steve: What up, you ass-face bitches? You stupid-ass honky-fuckin' faggots?**

Roger (cheerfully): Well, hello, potty-mouth.

**"Ass-face bitches" and "honky-fuckin' faggots" are bleeped out on the TV version. The DVD version has the uncensored line

Stan's Night Out [4.20]

Stan: Go Biscuit! [the dog hits the wall] Okay, go Cheesers! [mouse runs away] Coward!

Saunders: Hey, come on! Dick! Don't! Dick. Come on, Dick. Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you. I want the old Dick back. I don't want bad new Dick. I want good old Dick. Give me the Dick I'm used to. Give me the Dick I love.

Bernie: Hello, line one. You're on with Bernie.

Caller: You son of a bitch. I'm gonna kill you.

[Bernie's eyes widen. Reveal that Stan is calling Bernie as he's having dinner in front of the TV]

Stan: I'm gonna finish this meatloaf, get on a plane to Toronto and shoot you in your lying face.