American Dad! (season 6)

In Country... Club

Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?

Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.

Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.

Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.

Moon Over Isla Island

[Stan has taken General Pequeño shopping for new clothes]

Store Clerk: [holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Home Adrone [5.03]

Steve: Wow, uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan!

Toshi: [in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.

Brains, Brains and Automobiles [5.04]

(Stan is inside Roger's mind. He happens upon a cave with a dying, Jiminy Cricket-esque bug locked in a birdcage)

Stan: Who are you?

Bug (weakly): Roger's conscience.

Stan: Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.

Bug: Kill me.

(Stan hears moaning from behind him. He turns around and finds Tom Skerritt wrapped up like a fly in a spiderweb)

Stan: Tom Skerritt?

Tom Skerritt (weakly): Get me work.

Francine: Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!

(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)

Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!

Francine: Klaus?! What you do doing in there?

Klaus: Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.

Francine: Why'd he put you in the freezer?

Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Man in the Moonbounce [5.05]

Stan: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

(Stan comes home from his extended stay in prison)

Roger: There he is! You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time. Who gotcha two more months of goofin' around? (points to himself): I did, is who. (walks towards an increasingly pissed-off Stan): Get inside this hu--(Stan decks Roger in the face before he can finish his sentence).

Shallow Vows [5.06]

Roger: Great I'll put it on the DVD extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
[Francine looks mad]: Roger: No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap.

Stan: [about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!

Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Roger: You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!

[Sees it's only a thimble]

Steve: You can put it in a curro case, you can sew with it, a little mouse could wear it for hat.

[Roger throws it on ground and stomps on it, walks away and comes back as Veleak]

Roger: Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)

My Morning Straitjacket [5.07]

Steve: Why is anger the only emotion you can express?

Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Roger: Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?

G-String Circus [5.08]

Bullock: Gentlemen do whatever it takes to empty our coffers.

Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.

Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.

It makes me excited.

It gives me the chills.

They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners

Zobos and debos and blorps that go eener.

For a $1 bill,

You can pull down their zippers.

I am the Snorlax!

I speak for the strippers!

Rapture's Delight [5.09]

Roger: Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.

Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?

Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.

Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?

Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth [5.10]

Steve: All right, just give birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket-- it's worth 50 points

Snot: Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?

Steve: Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has to Go to Her Nursing Job".

Barry: Ouch.

A Jones for a Smith [5.11]

Crackhead Booboo: Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?

Dealer: Not now, Mom. I'm working.

The Return of the Bling [5.13]

(Stan is in Roger's hotel room, still in awe that Roger was part of the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" Olympic hockey team)

Stan: Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!

(Roger is asleep on the hotel bed. He wakes up and finds Stan sitting across from him)

Roger: Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.

(Stan grabs the Olympic gold medal from Roger at the hostel)

Stan: You lying, thieving cheater! You're gonna get what you deserve! Where do they keep the British tourist girls?

Cops and Roger [5.14]

(Roger is crying over not being strong and begs Stan to help him)

Stan: I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.

Roger (sobbing): It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

(Roger takes his first police academy exam and fails it)

Roger: What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Merlot Down Dirty Shame [5.15]

Breakfast Haus waiter: Y'all have enough time?

Roger: I'll have two eggs – one over easy, one over medium – three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup – unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned – closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking – with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.

Breakfast Haus waiter: We don't serve alcohol.

[scene changes to Café Olé]

Bully for Steve [5.16]

Jeff: How's you huge vagina?

Hayley: Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

An Incident at Owl Creek [5.17]

Roger (after Stan tells his 'three rings of marriage' joke): That's not a good joke because it's not racist.

Great Space Roaster [5.18]

Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger: [another buzz] Zots!

Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus: [laughing] Oh!

Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Klaus: (From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!

(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)

Francine: (while watching the porn) Nice.

(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)

Francine: Is everyone okay?

Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?