Midasminus

And now for something completely different.

Amigos

Good friends will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body.
A good friend will bail you out of jail and lecture you about how you screwed up. A best friend will be sitting right next to you laughing about it saying "We really screwed up!"
The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

--Homer

The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.

-- Aristotle

A true friend stabs you in the front.

-- Oscar Wilde

Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.

--Elbert Hubbard

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

-- Oscar Wilde

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else.

--Len Wein

I think that in this life you're either an idiot, a madman or a genius. I don't know which kind of people are better, because I have friends of each one.

Anatomy

General: Right. Do you have this man's legs?

Tiger-suited guy 1: What, a wooden leg?

General: No, a real live flesh leg! This man was perfectly fine while he slept, when someone or something, came and stole his leg.

Tiger-suited guy 1: Without waking him up?

General: (pause) (awkwardly) Yes.

Tiger-suited guy 1: I don't believe you.

Atheism

If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.

--(Russel's teapot)

God only exists if he is believed in. As long as people believe in him, he will exist. such as any god, in fact. He will only stop existing when no one at all believes in him, and even if he doesn't stop existing, no one will care anyway.

"I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing." "Oh," says Man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves you exist, and so therefore you don't." "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "Oh, that was easy" says Man, and for an encore he goes on to prove that black is white and gets killed on the next zebra crossing.

-- Douglas Adams

I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.

--Aleister Crowley

Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

-- Douglas Adams

Bars

Bartender: Do we serve water here?

Morgan: Ok, little chaps. I say "sake", you say "good", eh?

Goblins: SAKE!

Morgan: No, I say "sake". You say --

Goblins: SAKE!

Morgan: No. You say "good". "Good"! ... C'mon, "good"...

Goblins: SAKE!

Morgan: Ok, good sake. Whatever. Drink up me hearties, yo-ho. (drinks)

Goblins: SAKE!

Morgan: Oh, shut it.

Lando Calrissian: Barkeep! My friend and I would each like a glass of whatever that fellow who's passed out has been drinking.

Beauty

There are no ugly women, we just haven't drank enough yet.

Rouxinol Faduncho

(Baldrick is in a drag dress with very large fake breasts)

Blackadder: Baldrick, why are you dressed like that?

Baldrick: You want the long answer or the short answer?

Blackadder: Oh, the short answer, please.

Baldrick: Whim.

Blackadder: (pause) Whim. (pause) The short answer is 'whim'.

Baldrick: Yes.

Blackadder: Just out of curiosity, what was the long answer?

Baldrick: It was 'a whim'.

A great portrait is always more a portrait of the painter than of the painted.

Samuel Butler

If I were a better artist, I'd be a painter, and if I were a better writer, I'd write books - but I'm not, so I draw cartoons!

Charles Schultz

In these wonders and marvels, I want you to find joy, for in joy is your strength, and in your strength is their protection.

Carpe Chaos

A man who uses his hands is a laborer. One who uses his hands and mind is a craftsman. He who uses his hands, and his mind, and his heart is an artist.

St Francis

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

The Greeks

There are, and there has always been, two kinds of beautiful: those who wish to be so and those who are at peace.

On the house

Books

(Harry Potter writing on Tom Riddle's Diary)

Harry: My name is Ron Weasley.

Diary: Hello. My name is Tom.

Harry: Haha I was kidding xD I'm actually Hermione Granger.

Diary: Oh. Ok. I'm still Tom Riddle. Anyway, wanna go into the past and see me talk to guys with beards?

Harry: Lol I'm not Hermione either, Lololololool! This is too good XDDD lol.

Diary: Wait... you're that prick Harry Potter, aren't you? You annoying little fuck! I am going to MURDER U!!! Smiley face. :)

Harry: ... Fuck you you're a fucking book.

Diary: No, don't leave! Are you still there? ... Harry? ... Well sod you then.

Bravo

Waldorf: That was wonderful.

Statler: Bravo!

Waldorf: I loved it.

Statler: That was great!

Waldorf: Well, it was pretty good.

Statler: Well, it wasn't bad.

Waldorf: Parts of it weren't very good, though.

Statler: It could have been a lot better.

Waldorf: I didn't really like it.

Statler: It was pretty terrible.

Waldorf: It was bad!

Statler: It was awful!

Waldorf: That was terrible!!

Statler: Booo!

Waldorf: BOOO GET OUT OF THE STAGE!

Reporter: You've done a lot of really inventive characters- -

Johnny Depp: You're saying I'm a weirdo?

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

-- Chris Rock

When you're born, you get a ticket to a freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

-- Unknown

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.

--Soren Kierkegaard

The little things? The little moments? They aren't little.

--Jon Kabat-Zinn

If your heart did not break now and then,... how would you know it is there?

--Bette Bao Lord

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

--Pablo Picasso

Charlie Chan, he was a hell of a man

Went back to China with his shit in his hand.

He had 5 women up against a wall,

I'll bet you 5 dollars that he fucked them all.

He fucked them hard, he fucked them long,

He fucked them all night until his shit got sore.

He went to the doctor, the doctor said,

I'm sorry Charlie, your dick is dead.

Doctor, doctor, that can't be true!

Yes it is, Charlie. Your balls are too.

Bernie Mac

Chaos

Belkar: (after getting a restraining order) OK. Well, this all seems in order, so I guess I'll- oh! Wait. You seem to have made a mistake right here.

Legal Counsellor: Aw man! What's the mistake?

Belkar: I'm Chaotic. (chases him)

The Order of the Stick

Belkar: Welcome to the deep end of the alignment pool, pal.

The Order of the Stick

Without shadow, light is irrelevant.

Midrock

Fletcher: Okay... please let me explain. While you're at work, I roll around in your bed naked. (Copernicus stares, horrified) I didn't say it was a good explanation.

Antics Comics

Clown choking

I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor. He told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well that explains a lot about the DC Universe."

--Neil Gaiman

Comedy

Foster: Dude, this guy wouldn’t see the meaning of a joke even if it grabbed a big knife, chopped his head off and started eating dog food.

Jester: You're not funny when you're hungry.

Midrock

I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.

John Cleese

Deadpool: Dang! Nice shootin', Legola-- wait, how often do people call you Legolas?

Hawkeye: All the time.

Deadpool: Nice shootin', Hunger Games!

Hawkeye: Heard it.

Deadpool: Brave! The girl from Brave!

Hawkeye: Sorry, man.

A+X

Man: Good afternoon, sir. I am looking for a Miss Jean Grey.

Angel: She's dead. Come back next week.

X-Men

"What's up Doc?" is a very simple thing. It's only funny because it's in a situation. It was an all Bugs Bunny line. It wasn't funny. If you put it in human terms; you come home late one night from work, you walk up to the gate in the yard, you walk through the gate and up into the front room, the door is partly open and there's some guy shooting under your living room. So what do you do? You run if you have any sense, the least you can do is call the cops. But what if you come up and tap him on the shoulder and look over and say "What's up Doc?" You're interested in what he's doing. That's ridiculous. That's not what you say at a time like that. So that's why it's funny, I think. In other words it's asking a perfectly legitimate question in a perfectly illogical situation.

Chuck Jones

Conspiracy

Most secret societies have the urge to remain secret (and also the urge to remain societies, otherwise the whole thing becomes pointless). The Buccaneers, however, were so busy all the time trying to stay alive and relatively safe that secrecy didn't seem that much of an urgency to them, mainly because they got tired of so many secrets. They didn't carry large neon signs around saying they existed, but they'd probably tell you who they were and what they did if you happened to come across one and asked. Unlike most secret societies, the Buccaneers weren't that hard to find. They were, however, hard to lose.

-- (Mythorama)

Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire."

The Order of the Stick

Country

John Cleese: (after being interrupted) What about my rustic monologue? (pause) I'm not sleeping with that producer again.

In fact, I wanted to be John Cleese and it took some time to realize the job was in fact taken.

--Douglas Adams

Patriotism, that's some messed up stuff. All of them people, especially Americans, saying they love their country. I figure that by "country" they either mean its culture and people or the land itself; but you can't love everyone in a whole country, and if you love the land you can as easily love anyone else's land. A country is just something humans make up so they can have something in common with the people who live close to them. America was created by Americans so they wouldn't have to be Canadians.

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen

Crixus: Oh, he's slow, this one, isn't he?

Barca: What'd you expect, from a Thracian? Smells like fresh shit.

Crixus: Oh, they all do. Except for their women. They smell like... piss and shit.

Spartacus: What are you, then?

Crixus: ... I'm a Gaul, little man. The greatest of my kind. Crixus, the Undefeated!

Spartacus: A Gaul. (smirks) That explains why you smell like a woman.

Spartacus - Blood and Sand

Up the airy mountain

Down the rushy glen

We dare not go a-hunting

For fear of little men.

The Fairies, William Allingham

Genesis: You guys shouldn't be using those weapons.

Quentin: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Kid Killjoy! I'm shooting cowboys and robots with a laser shotgun. I've never felt more... American!

Wolverine and the X-Men

Courage

Hogsqueal Fly all you can, griffin! I just ate an ogre whole. You could be next!

We must fight... to run away!

Captain Jack Sparrow

You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it.

Samuel Butler

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: (shouting as one would say "Attack!") MUFFIIIIIIINS!!!

Strength of numbers is the delight of the timid. The valiant in spirit glory in fighting alone.

Mahatma Gandhi

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen: A true courageous man does his best not to waste all his courage at once.

Midrock

Rincewind: If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.

Discworld

Miko: Hiding in a storeroom, halfling?? Come out here and face me!

Belkar: An interesting proposal. Let me consider it... No.

Miko: Coward!

Belkar: I prefer the term, "still alive".

The Order of the Stick

The upside to not thinking about the consequences is that you'll always surprise those who do.

Magic the Gathering

The Doctor: There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.

Alien: What's that, then?

The Doctor: ALLONS-Y!

Doctor Who

You coward! You should have ran away like me!

Medabots

Creativity

There's a fine line between inspiration and duplication, and it is the same line between genius and hack.

From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other.

--Sherlock Holmes

Doc: My pickel'd eggs... He took mah pickel'd eggs. Now who steals pickel'd eggs??

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen: You know how they say everyone lies in shitholes in the ground, and only the succesful ones can get out? Shit, nobody can get out of the holes. Not even the gods can get out of their holes. All we can do is stick our heads out and see who else got a hole better than ours.

'We've strayed into a zone with a high magical index,' he said. 'Don't ask me how. Once upon a time a really powerful magic field must have been generated here, and we're feeling the after-effects.'
'Precisely,' said a passing bush.

-- Discworld

Critique

Waldorf: How do they do it?

Statler: How do we watch it?

Waldorf: Why do we watch it?

Both: (to the audience) Why do you watch it?!

The creature laughed scornfully. "I," it said, "am frightened of nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing," it said.

Charlie said, "Are you extremely frightened of nothing?"

"Absolutely terrified of it," admitted the Dragon.

"You know," said Charlie, "I have nothing in my pockets. Would you like to see it?"

"No," said the dragon uncomfortably, "I most definitely would not."

There was a flapping of wings like sails, and Charlie was alone on the beach. "That," he said, "was much too easy."

Anansi Boys

My mother would never hire someone she thought was irresponsable. But irresponsable people never tell you they're irrensponsable. Because they irresponsable!

Everybody Hates Chris

Dear Points of View: Can I complain about the gratutious fucking swearing every fucking week on Mock The Fucking Week?

Mock The Week

Interviewer: This is a questions that asks... if you have a favourite character in the series.

George R.R. Martin: Tyrion.

Interviewer: Tyrion. And why?

George R.R. Martin: Because he's fun. (smiles)

[1]

Cthulhu

Dare you to fuck without Cthulhu!

It must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Samuel Butler

Wife: There's a man at the door, with a moustache.

Husband: Tell him I already got one.

Monty Python

Everything was fine with our system until the power grid got shut off by dickless here.

Ghostbusters

Death

Every man lives for the day he dies.

News announcer: Shocking evidence that the majority of deaths occur to people who are alive.

Comedy Inc.

Tim The Enchanter: For Death awaits you all... with nasty big pointy teeth!

Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

Monty Python

To die completely, a person must not only forget but be forgotten, and he who is not forgotten is not dead.
There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.
When I am dead I would rather people thought me better than I was instead of worse; but if they think me worse, I cannot help it and, if it matters at all, it will matter more to them than to me.

Samuel Butler

Does dying hurt? No more than living, I suppose.

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

Chris Rock

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Chris Rock on McCain

Crowley: We seem to have survived. Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we'd been at all competent.

Good Omens

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Groucho Marx

And if anything can be learned from this high school massacre, it sure is: don't mess with Goths. They're fucking mental.

Frankie Boyle

Durkon: How will I finally be returnin' ta me beloved dwarven homelands?

The Oracle: Posthumously.

Vaarsuvius: How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?

The Oracle: By saying the right four words to the right being at the right time for all the wrong reasons.

Haley: (gibberish)

The Oracle: When the gift horse comes calling, don't look it in the mouth.

Elan: Will this story have a happy ending?

The Oracle: Yes - for you, at least.

Belkar: Do I get to cause the death of any of the following: Miko, Miko's stupid horse, Roy, Vaarsuvius, or you?

The Oracle: Yes.

Belkar: Sweet! Which one?

The Oracle: Next!

The Order of the Stick

Miko: Wait... did you say, "Xykon"?

Xykon: That's me, in the flesh! Except, you know, not.

The Order of the Stick

Ridcully: Ogg? Ogg? Name rings a bell. Any relation to Sobriety Ogg?

Shawn Ogg: He was my dad, sir.

Ridcully: Good grief. Old Sobriety's son? How is the old devil?

Shawn Ogg: Dunno, sir, what with him being dead.

Lords and Ladies

Doctor McNinja: I'm a doctor okay, I know my arteries didn't get hit.

Death: And I'm Death. And I know you are dead.

Doctor McNinja

Sherlock: (examining the body) The knife was removed to alleviate the victim's pain. The knife was then re-inserted in an attempt to stem the bleeding. This second insertion was the cause of death.

Watson: God lord, Holmes, how on Earth could you tell that?

Sherlock: I was watching you from the doorway, and frankly I couldn't believe my eyes.

Development

I wish I had an origin story for you. When I was four, I was bitten by a radioactive myth.

Neil Gaiman, on how did he start liking Mythology.

Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, (House looks tired) but I can't seem to lose any weight.

Dr. House: Lift up your arms.

(She does so)

Dr. House: You have a parasite.

Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?

Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.

(She lies back, and still has her hands up)

Dr. House: You can put your arms down.

Jill: Can you do anything about it?

Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.

(He starts to ultrasound her abdomen)

Jill: Illegal?

Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...

Jill: Playdates?

Dr. House: (shows her the ultrasound) It has your eyes.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

Shadow: Aren't you worried about lung cancer?

Czernobog: I am cancer. I do not frighten myself. (chuckles, starts coughing uncontrollably)

American Gods

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen had been, although he preferred to dismiss that fact, a human being once, although only as much a human being as you can rationally be. He liked to think that evolution had done an especially good job by turning cells into fish, fish into lizards, lizards into rats, rats into monkeys, monkeys into humans and a human into Morgan Monkeyzen, and his basic purpose in life was to stick around to see what came after him. (Mythorama)

Elan: Hey, V - if you translate, do you think I could talk to one of the camels? Y'know, since you're half-camel?

Vaarsuvius: You are a bottomless pit of self-reference, are you not?

The Order of the Stick

Elan's Dad: My ninth wife, Penelope, recently passed away. We held a state funeral for her last week.

Elan: Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry. What was the cause of death?

Elan's Dad: "Mysterious Circumstances".

Elan: Not another one! When will they find a cure?!?

The Order of the Stick

Xykon: One for all and all for one, right?

Redcloak: I can't help but notice that your sense of team spirit is inversely proportionate to your number of functioning appendages, sir.

Demonroach: He shoots, he scores!

Xykon: Cute. Did you actually grow a spine there, Redcloak?

Redcloak: Perhaps I just got hit with a piece of yours when you exploded, sir.

The Order of the Stick

Only the extremely ignorant or the extremely intelligent can resist change.

Socrates

Griff: Sarge, I have no idea what you're talking about and I already think this is gonna end badly.

Red vs. Blue

Education

With all due respect, she is the worst teacher since Yoda decided to start teaching English.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.

Oscar Wilde

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Douglas Adams

A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Chris Rock (about George Bush)

You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it.

Neil Gaiman

Hugo: Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

Manfred: (to Sid) Okay, you. Check for poop.

Sid: Hey, why am I the poop-checker?

Manfred: Because returning the runt was YOUR idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel you if you don't.

Sid: Why else?

Manfred: NOW, SID!

Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.
"[...]Can't you read, Esk?"
The astonishment in his voice stung her.
"I expect so," she said defiantly. "I've never tried."

Discworld

Jesus was born in a stable. So in many years later, when he left the door opened and people asked "Were you born in a barn?", he could say "Yes, I was, actually".

Mock the Week

Belkar: (after Roy is given a magic belt) No one ever hands me a major magic item, you know.

Durkon: Tha's 'cause yer a horrible lil miscreant.

Belkar: Yeah, but I'm pretending not to be. Trying! Trying not to be.

The Order of the Stick

Yoda: Stubborn and hard is your head. Soften it we will.

Luke: I stood on my head to soften it?

Yoda: Mysterious are the ways of the Force.

Luke: Did you just make me stand on my head for two hours because I was annoying you?

Yoda: Very mysterious.

Star Wars

You gotta know when to hold them

Know when to fold them

Know when to walk away

Know when to run

You never count your money

When you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin'

When the deal is done.

Kenny Rogers

Joffrey: The king can do as he likes!

Tyrion: The Mad King did as he liked. Has your uncle Jamie ever told you what happened to him?

Ser Meryn: No-one threatens His Grace in the presence of the King's Guard!

Tyrion: I'm not threatening the King, sir, I'm educating my nephew. (to Bron) Bron, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. (Bron grins) (to Ser Meryn) That was a threat. See the difference?

Game of Thrones (TV)

Warren: Do not try and stop me, fellow students. I am on a mission from God.

Quentin: For what you're planning, you're gonna need to skip class, steal a spaceship and likely spark an intergalactic incident. Who wants to stop you? I just want in.

Broo: Um, friend Quentin, you did not say this off-campus excursion was to be unsupervised.

Quentin: I believe what I said to you, Broo, was "go away and die, alien pogue".

Broo: Yes, but you say that to me constantly. I had assumed it was some sort of involuntary verbal tic.

Wolverine and the X-Men

Evolution

There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of manmade evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf...

-- Good Omens

Morgan: One small step for a satyr... (falls into a hole)

Rad: ...One Epic Fail for all satyrkind.

Kazumi Kato: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make more in my TUMMY!

The Order of the Stick

Faith

Roy: I cannot believe you sent all of our equipment away, leaving us defenseless!

Elan: Really? Because I can totally believe I did something like that.

The Order of the Stick

Haley: Celia, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Belkar didn't do anything wrong.

Belkar: I didn't? Huh.

The Order of the Stick

Belkar: Screw her and her "morals"! Let's make a break for it while she's distracted!

Haley: Appealing as that sounds, let me ask you this: would I be travelling with a horrid little bastard like you if I didn't need all the help I could get?

Belkar: Oh, right. Good point.

The Order of the Stick

Finances

Foster: What makes you think that by all the Universe’s fatal forces will allow you, humans, to command the most mythical mythological ship in the history of the sea?

Davy Jones: He gave me money, mate.

Foster: I see.

Words are like money; there is nothing so useless, unless when in actual use.

--Samuel Butler

John Silver: My father used to say money is like the wind. Without it, we stay on land, but with it we can roam wildly to the sea.

Ikkie: It's just a bunch of penguins.

Metabee: Your point?

Ikkie: Who in their right mind would pay to see that?

Metabee: Me! But since I don't have any money, you!

Medabots

French

(after Blackadder kills the Scarlett Pimpinell)

Baldrick: Yaay, it's the Scarlett Pimpinell!

Blackadder: So he is.

Baldrick: And you killed him!

Blackadder: So I did.

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.

Dave Barry

Gastronomy

Giselle: (after the boys try her potion) How do you feel?

John: Disgusted.

Giselle: And?...

John: And disgusted.

Giselle: What about you?

Foster: I’m just disgusted.

Always eat grapes downwards - that is, always eat the best grape first; in this way there will be none better left on the bunch, and each grape will seem good down to the last.

Samuel Butler

To merfolk, pirates are a nuisance. To pirates, merfolk are a threat. To the Kraken, they're both appetizers.

Magic the Gathering

House: Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.

Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is. And we don't have tabs.

House: Do you know who I am?

Cashier: No.

House: Good. (leaves)

Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?

Chase: I don't remember. So I guess I did.

There never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

Good Omens

Nanny Ogg would try anything once. Some things she'd try several thousand times.

Witches Abroad

Keep watching only for the giants and you'll be eaten by the ants.

Magic the Gathering

Gods

Ray, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

Ghostbusters

Tyrion: The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?

Game of Thrones

History

The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

Oscar Wilde

It came a time in the entrails of History when Buccaneers thought it'd be easier for them to pass vital information between themselves if they just put it all in a book, made copies for each Buccaneer and updated it every year or so with the discoveries that they made in the meantime. For the first edition, the Alzar nominated the experts on each of the faery species to write extensive texts on the appearance, behaviour, distribution and aproach of each of their subjects. The entry on "Stymphalian Birds" happened to be attributed to an ancestor of Rhog Kironoko, who had spent several years living near a flock of these birds, breeding them, eating their flesh and eggs, he spoke their tongue and had his wife, children and best friends all killed by them in their mating season. While other experts made very long texts for the entries of the creatures they spent their lives with (which have proved useful for following generations of Buccaneers), to this day, the entry on the Stymphalian Birds says simply "Fuck them".

-- (Mythorama)

Squirrel: Oh, mighty Shphinx, tell me, have you lived here all your life?

Shphinx Mooch: Not yet.

Mutts

Hercules: I have a bad feeling about this. It reminds me of this time during the Trojan War when Odysseus and I--

Wolverine: You ever not have a friggin' story for somethin'?

Hercules: Well, there was this one time when...

Wolverine: I deserved that. (facepalms)

Wolverine/Hercules: Myths, Monsters and Mutants

Honesty

Statler: I think honesty is always the best policy.

Waldorf: You believe that?

Statler: No, I was lying.

(The doorbell rings)

Judy: Can somebody get that?

Brian: Busy!

Tina: Busy!

Bill: Lazy!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you gotta watch out for, 'cause you never know when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch cold on over-exposure.

--Samuel Butler

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

--Samuel Butler

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

--Samuel Butler

There is no sacrifice greater than someone else's.

-- Skipper

Why do I have this imagination? It's the only one I've got!

-- Neil Gaiman

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

--Dr. Seuss

Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

Oscar Wilde

Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!

The Order of the Stick

A lie is simply a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Barney Stintson

"I just don't trust you enough to believe that you lied."

The Order of the Stick (Belkar to Roy, later Roy to Lord Shojo)

Roy: You'll have to check prostitutes for both genders.

Belkar: Fine, but don't say I don't ever make sacrifices for the team.

Roy: You don't ever make sacrifices for the team.

Belkar: ...True.

The Order of the Stick

Humanity

I love mankind - it's people I can't stand.

Charles Schultz

You know a generation fails epicly when their vampires sparkle.

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Animals know since they're born what they need to do to be happy in life, and they do it if you'll let'em. Humans don't have a tiny-ass clue, so they ruin it for everybody trying to find out.

Granny Weatherwax: Magic's far too important to be used for rulin' people.

Witches Abroad

His plan was simple - not because Angelo was a man of simple tastes, but because he was himself a simple man. Simple plans were all the plans he knew how to do.
In the world there were, to Ogyte's understanding, four types of person: there were those who said "Let's stay home and make dinner" and there were those who said "Let's go to the moon". To the latter, there were those who replied with "Don't be foolish, that's impossible" and there were those who replied with "How?"
Whenever Zofia had to refer to something which she knew had happened in the past but wasn't quite sure on which point of the past this was, she always said that it happened a million years ago. At least this way people realized she was joking, except for Ogyte, who believed her and never learnt to count to one million.

Midrock

If a man would get hold of the public era, he must pay, marry, or fight.

Samuel Butler

Ethics is something dumb people invented to keep smart people from doing stuff.

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen

I don't have prejudice against meself. My father was a white and my mother was black. Them call me half-caste or whatever. Me don't deh pon nobody's side. Me don't deh pon the black man's side nor the white man's side. Me deh pon God's side, the one who create me and cause me to come from black and white.

Bob Marley

Maester Aemon: What is honor compared to a woman's love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms... or the memory of a brother's smile? Wind and words. Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.

Game of Thrones

Hunger

Chris Rock:

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat … if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Stretching his hand out to catch the stars, he forgets the flowers at his feet.

-- Jeremy Bentham

Individualism

I second that individualism!

Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

--Chris Rock

There's only two things that dragons hate: non-dragons and everybody else.

Midrock

If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you're doing.

X-Men

Ben Kenobi: I wrote "Good" on my character sheet and I jolly well meant it! Unlike some people!

Darths & Droids

Church: There's no I in "team", Grif.

Grif: Yeah. There's no U either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, nobody's in the goddamn team. The team sucks!

Red vs. Blue

Infinity

Albert Einstein: There are only two infinite things: the Universe and human stupidity.

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

--Samuel Butler

Inquisition

Barbossa: What are you doing?

Inquisition of inquisition

Captain Jack Sparrow: What are you doing?

Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Barbossa: No, what are you doing?!

Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Captain Jack Sparrow: What are YOU doing?!

Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Barbossa: No, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Starlord: I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom!

Han: You repair droids?

Owner: We do. We have cleverly concealed that information on the sign outside, the blinking apparatus that reads NINGAL'S DROID REPAIR.

--Star Wars

Insult

Vaarsuvius: Belkar is a horrible, loathesome, supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavorably to that of a table. And yet I find I still prefer him to you.

The Order of the Stick

Phoebe: I just gave birth to three children, and I will NOT let them grow up in a world where Joey is right.

Friends

The 12th Doctor: What's inside is what counts. If you're not happy in your own skin, you'll never be happy. And I've had more skins than most people.

Clara: The last you - the you that isn't you now - wasn't averse to the odd bit of pretty packaging.

The 12th Doctor: You mean, the me who wore a bow-tie? The me that thought a fez - an item of apparel resembling an upturned plant-pot - was "cool"? The me that used the word "cool"? Still, not to worry. Sophistication and timeless sartorial elegance have been restored.

Comics

Intelligence

Roy: I hired you to be the party tracker!!

Belkar: And don't you feel stupid now?!?

Roy: No, Belkar, I don't think it's physically possible for me to feel stupid after talking to you.

Miko: Perhaps we should compare our respective Wisdom modifiers?

Belkar: ... I'll be in the back.

The Order of the Stick

A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it's opened.
If you can't change your mind, how can you be sure you have one?

Professor Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.

Futurama

Albert: Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?

Mort: No, what?

(pause)

Albert: Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right.

Mort

Human: How could you get on board without knowing where you are?

Doctor: Look at me. I'm stupid!

Doctor Who

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Hogfather

Rygel: I've been around long enough to know how ignorant I am. I don't assume the universe obeys my preconceptions. Ah! But I know a frelling fact when it hits me in the face.

Farscape

Invisibility

Thimbletack: You don't see us -- now you do. But only if we want you to.

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Futurama

Myra: If we're goin' in there we'll require stealth and subtlety. Where's my chainsaw?

Skin Deep

Now gentlemen, this revolt will have to be suppressed with the utmost tact and diplomacy. We'll string up half a dozen of'em for a start.

Carry On Up the Khyber

Melisandre: The night is dark and full of terrors.

A Song of Ice and Fire

Ben: The jungle is dark but full of diamonds, Willy.

Death of a Salesman

Italy

Vai a fare in culo, stronzo.

It was a small village, and wouldn't have shown up on a map of the mountains. It barely showed up on a map of the village.

Discworld

Church: There's a fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every single day of my life.

Red Vs. Blue

Captain Marvel: Okay, then. Let's go be heroes. Or something vaguely in that general direction.

Comics

Kunami

No. With all due respect, your wife is a whore.

Gato Fedorento

Latin

Reductio ad Absurdum
- (Reduction to the Absurd - the principle of BUCCA)
Malo periculosam libertatem quam quietum servitium
- (I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery)
Malum Discordiae
- (Apple of Discord)
Mater facit!
- (Mother does it/ Mother fuck it!)
Mea navis aëricumbens anguillis abundat
- (My hovercraft is full of eels)
Melita, domi adsum!
- (Honey, I'm home!)
Risuum causa
- (For the sake of the laughs - For the Lulz)
Magister dixit!
- (The teacher has said it!)
Mortui vivos docent
- (Let the dead teach the living)
Ave Caesar, morituri te salutant.
- (Ave Caesar, those who are about to die salute you.)
Ave Caesar, morituri nolumus mori.
- (Ave Caesar, we who are about to die... don't want to.)
Mors tua vita mea
- (Your death, my life)
Mors certa, hora incerta
- (Death is certain, its hour is uncertain)
Mulgere hircum
- (To milk a male goat - to attempt the impossible)
Vade metro, Satana!
- (Go by subway, Satan!)
Vel non.
- (Or not.)
Veni, vidi, pwni.
- (I came, I saw, I pwned)
Vero possumus!
- (Yes, We Can!)
Post hoc ergo propter hoc
- (After this, therefore because of this)
Sodomy non sapiens
- (Buggered if I know - from Discworld)
Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides
- (Now you see it, now you don't - from Discworld)

This page ends here. Vel non.

Leonine

The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.

Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!"

Police Officer: So, the giant bear is...

Julia: Evil.

Police Officer: And the giant dwarf is...

Julia: An oxymoron.

Police Officer: Cute.

The Order of the Stick

Using metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu — was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.

Lords And Ladies

Doctor: (tapping his Big Book of Everything) This fellow always knows what he's talking about.

Matthew: Who wrote the book, Doctor?

Doctor: Um... (checks the cover) Oh! I did.

Doctor Dolittle

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

Emily Dickinson

Love

Luís de Camões: Pelos céus, que coincidência! Também eu quero fazer sexo com essa mulher!

Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

Groucho Marx

Xykon: I have an idea.

Redcloak: Please don't recruit the hobgoblins, Lord Xykon.

Xykon: Hey, I need new minions. I'm down to my last goblin, and it's only a matter of time before you kick the bucket.

Redcloak: I love you too, sir.

The Order of the Stick

Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.

The Order of the Stick

The Doctor: Oh, this is how it all ends. Pond flirting with herself. True love at last.

Doctor Who

Kat: Well, love can make you act in strange ways, I guess.

Antimony: I thought love was supposed to be a good thing.

Kat: Oh it totally is! But uh... I dunno. Better to have loved and lost than to be... dead or something.

Antimony: I don't think that's how the saying goes.

Gunnerkrigg Court

Sookie: He's your maker, isn't he?

Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.

Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.

Eric: ... Don't use words I don't understand.

True Blood

Jake the Dog: Listen, Finn. Girls is like horses. When you fall down, it's important that you get right back on again. On a different horse. And there's a lot of fish in the sea. Lotta fish. Penny saved is a penny earned.

Adventure Time

Botany

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet

And so are you...

...But the roses are wilting,

The violets are dead,

The sugarbowl's empty

And so is your head.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

WHO CARES? I'M BORED!

Something something canoe

Roses are red

Violets are blue

In Soviet Russia

Poem writes you

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I cannot rhyme

And bananas are yellow

Lemons are yellow

Violets are blue

I'm a dirty fellow

And so are you.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue

I've got something nasty

And now so do you.

Mock the Week

Roses are red

Violets are blue

One day we'll cruise down

Blood Gulch Avenue.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Some poems rhyme

This one doesn't.

Madness

THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Foster: What is this?

Jester:This would be Sparta.

Beckett: You're mad.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well, thank goodness for that, because if I wasn't, this would probably never work!

Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpetting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying "this is a large crisis". A large crisis requires a large plan. Now get me two pencils and a pair of underpants. (http://finchley.deviantart.com/art/Blackadder-Tribute-53086771)

If a man sees something that isn't there, he's called mad. If a bunch of people see something that isn't there, it's called a religion.

Salvador Dali:

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
What is an elegant woman? An elegant woman is a woman who despises you and who has no hair under her arms.
It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.
Drawing is the honesty of the art. There is no possibility of cheating. It is either good or bad.
The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.

Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.

--Discworld

Madness and genius are separated only by a degree of success.

--Einstein

Miko: Clearly, this is your yearly tithe to your deity.

Roy: No.

Miko: Then it is a generous donation to a local orphanage.

Roy: No.

Miko: A gift to a home for the aged, then?

Roy: No.

Miko: Hospital?

Roy: No.

Miko: Sanitarium?

Roy: No. Though if I knew one that would take them, I'd consider it.

The Order of the Stick

Of course I'm sure I've gone mad. The little man who crawled out of my eye was quite clear on this.

Magic the Gathering

Marriage

I now condemn you husband and wife. Please kiss.

By the power invested in me by His Noodly Appendage, I marry you to a cabbage.

When I buy my wife, at first she cook good, her vagine worked well, she strong on plow, but 3 years later when she was 15, she receive hair on her chest, her voice become deep, "Borat, Borat", and her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard.

When you have given everything, then you have everything to gain.

Magic the Gathering

We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?!

-- Chris Rock

Barney: (talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale) I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…

Lily: What thing?

Barney: ...a penis.

How I Met Your Mother

By all means marry; if you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Mortality

The Sun is born, and it doesn't last longer than a day.

Morgan Monkeyzen: You know, the great part of being a mortal is that every one of our problems has a quick solution.

Jeff: Greetings to everyone at Amazon.com. I'm Jeff Dunham, here with Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. Say hi, Achmed.

Achmed: Oh, good evening. I kill you.

Jeff: What was that?

Achmed: Nothing, I was just saying hello to all the infidels out there. Hello, infidels. Your time will come.

Jeff: Wha-what is that supposed to mean?

Achmed: Oh, nothing! Please continue.

Jeff: Right. Anyway, we appreciate you stopping by Amazon.com, don't we, Achmed?

Achmed: More than anything... I kill you.

Jeff: ... And a special thanks to all our fans who already bought our DVDs.

Achmed: Yes, thank you. We are so very grateful... I kill you, and your mothers...

Jeff: Wha-- did you say anything?

Achmed: What?

Jeff: What did you say?

Achmed: Oh, nothing, nothing...

Jeff: I thought you said something after "we are so very grateful".

Achmed: Wasn't me! Someone else over here perhaps, maybe there's a ventriloquist around, I don't know. I kill you.

Jeff: You know, our latest DVD, "Spark of Insanity", has all your favourite characters, like Walter...

Achmed: I kill him.

Jeff: ...Peanut...

Achmed: I kill him!

Jeff: ... and, of course, Achmed.

Achmed: Now that is one funny guy. He should get paid more, don't you think?

Jeff: We had no idea, when we made "Spark", that it would go on to be one of the best-selling comedy DVDs of all time.

Achmed: No idea! Who knew?! I kill you.

Jeff: What?

Achmed: Huh?

Jeff: Well, anyway, we wanna thank Amazon.com for their help. Right, Achmed?

Achmed: Yes. A million thanks to Amazon.com.

Jeff: Right.

Achmed: Blow them up.

Jeff: What?

Achmed: Nothing. I kill you.

Jeff: I heard that.

Achmed: You heard what?

Jeff: You said "I kill you".

Achmed: Who, me?!

Jeff: Yeah, you.

Achmed: Oh, that. That was just a joke. (fake laugh)

Jeff: What kind of joke is it to say "I kill you"?

Achmed: Trust me, if you're a terrorist, that's funny stuff.

Jeff: Okay. Yes, huh... (Achmed's foot falls)

Achmed: It's terrorrist humour. Fix my foot.

Jeff: Sorry. (fixes foot)

Achmed: It's very dark. If you--(Achmed's other foot falls) Fix my other foot.

Jeff: Sorry. (fixes foot and drops the first one)

Achmed: If you were a-- fix my other freakin' foot!

Jeff: I'm sorry.

Achmed: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!

Jeff: Sorry, just... fix the feet. (fixes feet) Got it.

Achmed: Okay! Okay! It's very dark humour.

Jeff: Yeah.

Achmed: If you were a terrorist, you'd be laughing your buttocks off. See, I don't have any buttocks.

Jeff: I got it. Now, we're trying to make a nice videoclip for Amazon.

Achmed: I'm sorry. I will behave.

Jeff: Promise?

Achmed: Yes.

Jeff: Now, where was I?

Achmed: Hey, what's that over there?!

Jeff: What?

Achmed: I kill you. (both his feet fall)

Jeff: Thank you. Thank you.

Achmed: No, thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Jeff: For what?

Achmed: For buying our DVD.

Jeff: Right.

Achmed: Fix my foot.

Jeff: Ok. (fixes feet)

Achmed: Nice. Was that a cut?

Jeff: I don't know.

Achmed: Can I kill you now?

Jeff: Sure.

Achmed: Screw you.

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

--Samuel Butler

Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

-- Oscar Wilde

Morgan: You know we is like the mafia, right?

Jester: Mafia of Nature.

Morgan: And if you ever hurt our little girl... we gonna be your longterm poltergeists.

Foster: Yeah.

Jester: Huhuh.

Foster: When you're happy, we'll be there to ruin it.

Jester: When you're sad, we'll be there to make it worse.

Foster: When you're showering, we will be there.

Morgan: When you get another woman, we'll be there to scare her off.

Jester: When you're calm we'll be there.

Foster: When you not so calm we'll be there.

Morgan: Even when you think we can't possibly be there...

Foster: Hehe.

Jester: We'll be there.

Morgan: Savvy?

Natural Life

Animals and plants cannot understand our business, so we have denied that they can understand their own. What we call inorganic matter cannot understand the animals’ and plants’ business, we have therefore denied that it can understand anything whatever.
All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

--Samuel Butler

What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

--Douglas Adams

"The Buccaneer's Guide to Faerie" is a 21st century-written book of the authory of the Buccaneer wizard biologist Captain Morgan Monkeypen, its title giving alusion to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The book teaches several ways for human beings to find and distinguish the species of supernatural beings that populate the Earth, how to protect oneself from them and, ultimately, how to become one. Since its first publishing in 2056, it has become widely popular amongst Mythology-lovers and Neopagans, often used as a grimoire, and has been an essential instrument upon the Faerie Revolution of the Third Millenium. Despite several more unfortunate circumstances which had eventually led to bloody wars, "The Buccaneer's Guide to Faerie" has proved itself to be of interest even to the faery world, becoming one of the top five best-selling post-Renaissance books for faeries and witches of all the world, along with titles such as "100 Ways to Cook Water-Nixie", "Touristic Spots of Atlantis", "Fifty Reasons Why Kidnapping Children Stops Global Warming", and "Twilight".

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside down.

Life is wasted on the living.

Douglas Adams

They say it's just a waste of time,

But they don't realize

That worry is nothing but a crime,

We are creatures worldly wise

Hakuna Matata

Dear Points of View: Watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" made me think that if I made gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fuck me.

Frankie Boyle

Luke: Master Yoda, are you content? You've been alone for so long...

Yoda: Alone? No. Always the past to keep me company. The creatures on the planet, and the Force. And now you. Annoying though you may be.

Star Wars

Look, men fight wars. Women just end them.

Midrock

Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge.

Carl Sagan

Marcus: And it's not like you lot never do anything wrong ever, is it? I mean, how come I got to know Will in the first place?

Will: Because you threw a bloody great baguette at a duck's head and killed it, basically.

About A Boy

Fanboy: What would happen if Ranma got pregnant as a girl, then changed back to a boy?

Rumiko Takahashi: I don't think about that, and neither should you.

Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem, they can't be any better, they can't be any worse. Because that's the way things fucking are and you better get used to it, nancy. Quit your bitching.

Red vs. Blue

I believe when I am in the mood that all nature is full of people whom we cannot see, and that some of these are ugly or grotesque, and some wicked or foolish, but very many beautiful beyond any one we have ever seen, and that these are not far away... the simple of all times and the wise men of ancient times have seen them and even spoken to them.

W. B. Yeats

Aeryn: Oh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone.

Farscape

What a happiness this must have been seventy or eighty years ago and upwards, to those chosen few who had the good luck to be born on the eve of this festival of all festivals; when the whole earth was so overrun with ghosts, boggles, bloody-bones, spirits, demons, ignis fatui, brownies, bugbears, black dogs, specters, shellycoats, scarecrows, witches, wizards, barguests, Robin-Goodfellows, hags, night-bats, scrags, breaknecks, fantasms, hobgoblins, hobhoulards, boggy-boes, dobbies, hob-thrusts, fetches, kelpies, warlocks, mock-beggars, mum-pokers, Jemmy-burties, urchins, satyrs, pans, fauns, sirens, tritons, centaurs, calcars, nymphs, imps, incubuses, spoorns, men-in-the-oak, hell-wains, fire-drakes, kit-a-can-sticks, Tom-tumblers, melch-dicks, larrs, kitty-witches, hobby-lanthorns, Dick-a-Tuesdays, Elf-fires, Gyl-burnt-tales, knockers, elves, rawheads, Meg-with-the-wads, old-shocks, ouphs, pad-foots, pixies, pictrees, giants, dwarfs, Tom-pokers, tutgots, snapdragons, sprets, spunks, conjurers, thurses, spurns, tantarrabobs, swaithes, tints, tod-lowries, Jack-in-the-Wads, mormos, changelings, redcaps, yeth-hounds, colt-pixies, Tom-thumbs, black-bugs, boggarts, scar-bugs, shag-foals, hodge-pochers, hob-thrushes, bugs, bull-beggars, bygorns, bolls, caddies, bomen, brags, wraiths, waffs, flay-boggarts, fiends, gallytrots, imps, gytrashes, patches, hob-and-lanthorns, gringes, boguests, bonelesses, Peg-powlers, pucks, fays, kidnappers, gallybeggars, hudskins, nickers, madcaps, trolls, robinets, friars' lanthorns, silkies, cauld-lads, death-hearses, goblins, hob-headlesses, bugaboos, kows, or cowes, nickies, nacks necks, waiths, miffies, buckies, ghouls, sylphs, guests, swarths, freiths, freits, gy-carlins Gyre-carling, pigmies, chittifaces, nixies, Jinny-burnt-tails, dudmen, hell-hounds, dopple-gangers, boggleboes, bogies, redmen, portunes, grants, hobbits, hobgoblins, brown-men, cowies, dunnies, wirrikows, alholdes, mannikins, follets, korreds, lubberkins, cluricauns, kobolds, leprechauns, kors, mares, korreds, puckles korigans, sylvans, succubuses, blackmen, shadows, banshees, lian-hanshees, clabbernappers, Gabriel-hounds, mawkins, doubles, corpse lights or candles, scrats, mahounds, trows, gnomes, sprites, fates, fiends, sibyls, nicknevins, whitewomen, fairies, thrummy-caps, cutties, and nisses, and apparitions of every shape, make, form, fashion, kind and description, that there was not a village in England that had not its own peculiar ghost. Nay, every lone tenement, castle, or mansion-house, which could boast of any antiquity had its bogle, its specter, or its knocker. The churches, churchyards, and crossroads were all haunted. Every green lane had its boulder-stone on which an apparition kept watch at night. Every common had its circle of fairies belonging to it. And there was scarcely a shepherd to be met with who had not seen a spirit!

Michael Aislabie Denham, 1895

Obituary

Foster: They're trying to get human babies and trade them as wizards and enchanters so they can help us.

Midas: Is it working?

Foster: Not really... some of them can't let go their human instincts. Many of them have quite horrible fates, actually.

Midas: Like what?

Foster: (takes off a list and starts to go through it) Among the many fates, the most popular of the 2006 voting were:

Eaten by a sphinx
turned into a cat
crushed by a 16-tons weight
turned into a pebble
burnt by a dragon
turned into stone by a Gorgon
turned into stone by a basilisk
eaten by a basilisk
raped by a basilisk
eaten by a manticore
eaten by a troll
raped by giant koala bears
killed by a Mayan god
buried alive
kidnapped by mermaids
impriosoned in a tree
turned into a tree
eaten by a flying ferret
eaten by Cthulhu
ate an Avalon's apple
turned into an eyeball
married to a sphynx
attacked by a Siamese bat
eaten by Lilith
burnt to death by Raiden
crushed by a giant
killed by a lemur
eaten by a saber-toothed tiger
turned into a dodo
imprisoned by the elves
killed by hearing a banshee
agressed by goblins
raped by a shapeshifter
victim of car crash
annoyed the flower faeries
killed by a camel watcher
crushed by a giant foot
turned into a tea-kettle
fucked by Cthulhu
heard Monty Python's Deadly Joke.
laughed his/her ass off
offended the gods
offended by the gods
killed by a stick figure
raped by a stick figure
married a giant koala bear
swallowed microscopic octupus eggs then gave birth to an octupus
raped by a Kraken (lol tentacle rape)
joined the Scouts.

Crichton: I try to save a life a day. Usually it’s my own.

Farscape

D'Argo: Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.

Crichton: I love hanging with you, man.

Farscape

Ocean

Morgan: Hi. We're looking for a fish.

Mermaid: Oh, that's a shame. We only have a few trillion left.

Midrock

Amy: Why did you just do that, with the water?

Doctor: I don't know. I think a lot, it's hard to keep track.

Doctor Who

Investigation: I, Huun Cuuda of Ardorspawn, saw you leap off the building. It appeared as if you were going to attack Ambassador Tan. Judgement: you probably intended to hurt him. Guilty as charged. Punishment: you're dead.

Carpe Chaos

Pacifism

Bender: I'm a pacifist. You know, a coward.

Midas: Screw them Christians. Screw them ninjas too. Actually, get everyone who's not a pacifist and dump them in a hole with lions, so I can watch them fight each other.

Gaston: (pause) ... Dude.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs!

-- Chris Rock

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

-- Good Omens

Belkar: (after blowing up) The horse first. You? A close second.

Vaarsuvius: I rest easy knowing that your revenge requires you to first outsmart someone's mount.

The Order of the Stick

Church: Hey Caboose, what's your resolution?

Caboose: I don't think we should be part of a revolution. I love my country and I think we should support our troops!

Tucker: Caboose, we ARE our troops.

Red vs. Blue

Good to conquer evil

Lies to fight the truth

Are any of us only saints or sinners

Or is it always Red versus Blue?

Captain: I love peace, all right? Teal, tell her what I think of peace.

Teal: Oh, he absolutely loves peace.

Captain: It's one of my favourite states of being, up there with "asleep" and...

Teal: "Drunk".

Captain: And drunk, thank you, Teal.

Hyperdrive

Paganism

Monotheism is, to me, a great simplification. I mean the Qabalah has a great multiplicity of gods, but at the very top of the Qabalic Tree of Life, you have this one sphere that is absolute God, the monad, something which is indivisible. All of the other gods, and indeed everything else in the universe, is a kind of emanation of that God. Now, that’s fine, but it's when you suggest that there is only that one God, at this kind of unreachable height above humanity, and there is nothing in between, you’re limiting and simplifying the thing. I tend to think of Paganism as a kind of alphabet, as a language, it's like all of the gods are letters in that language. They express nuances, shades of meaning or certain subtleties of ideas, whereas monotheism tends to just be one vowel and it's just something like 'oooooooo'. It's a monkey sound.

Alan Moore

People, Humans and their impact on Society

It is an undeniable and may I say fundamental quality of man that when faced with extinction... every alternative is preferable.

Red vs. Blue

It's a wonder I don't take up drinking.

Spider-Man

Elf: Do you realize you just threw a cabinet minister out of your room?

Cerebus: Mm. Lord Julius says you can measure a man's worth by the breed of person he throws out of his office.

Cerebus the Aardvark

Klaus: Abraham! Schnell!

Roger: Yes! Schnell!

Abe: Great. The homunculus speaks German now.

Hollow Earth

Quicksilver: They appear uninjured.

Warlock: Self is likewise uninjured.

Quicksilver: Good.

Warlock: In case Quicksilver was concerned.

Quicksilver: I really wasn't.

Gambit: Everyone okay here?

Warlock: Yes. Including self, in case Gambit was concerned.

Gambit: Nah, not really.

Warlock: Self is feeling a bit discouraged.

All-New X-Factor

Nick Fury: What the hell is this?

Groot: I am Groot.

Nick Fury: Right. And what is this?

Rocket: What does it look like?

Nick Fury: It looks like I had sex with a raccoon and you're my son.

Rocket: Yeah?

Nick Fury: Yeah.

Rocket: Yeah, that - that was a good one.

Guardians of the Galaxy Annual 001

Elf: (on humans) Their precious free will, capable of conquering mountains and oceans, only brings out one trait in them: covetousness. Everything in their lives boils down to it. To have more than they already do. Gold, women, land, titles, glory... men only live to possess. It is both a great strength and a terrible weakness that makes them conquerors as well as thieves. Iwolena says that is what makes them so great and fascinating. That their paradoxes drive them to create so many new things.

Elves 005

Piratage

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Being a pirate's not about knowing how to swordfight. It's about knowing how to avoid swordfighting.

There are only two rules of tactics: never be without a plan, and never rely on it.

Magic the Gathering

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

The Colour of Magic

Perhaps on the rare occasion, pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy... Piracy itself can be the right course.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Shireen: You were a pirate once.

Davos: No, I was never a pirate. I was a smuggler.

Shireen: What's the difference?

Davos: Well, if you're a famous smuggler, you're not doing it right.

Shireen: My father says a criminal's a criminal.

Davos: Your father lacks an appreciation of the finer points of bad behavior.

Game of Thrones

Jerry the Frog Productions

Captain Jack: I don't mean to alarm you, but you have a starfish growing out of your face.

Bootstrap: I don't mean to alarm you, but Davy Jones is gonna have your soul on a silver platter.

Captain Jack: Alarmed? Ha! I swagger in the face of danger.

Bootstrap: Oh, and Davy Jones told me to give you this black spot. Make sure you feed and water it every day.

Captain Jack: Okay, now I'm alarmed.

Captain Jack: What valuable skills can you offer our team?

Norrington: I can puke and offer skepticism.

Tia Dalma: I have something that will make it all better!

Elizabeth: What's that?

Tia Dalma: Resurrected characters for the purpose of screwing with fans' heads!

Barbossa: Yo.

Captain Jack: Wow, lucky I had these bridges, trees and hard ground to cushion my thousand-foot fall.

Poetry

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Oscar Wilde

Deadpool: Buffoon in balloon. Do not cross Deadpool, Crossbones. Up, up, and away.

Preston: Haiku?

Deadpool: Gesunheit.

Deadpool

D'Argo: Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...

Crichton: D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

Farscape

Hercules: And another thing! Why do you persist in talking in old-timey Shakespeare talk?! We're from Greece! From 2000 years before Shakespeare! It makes absolutely! (punch) No! (punch) Sense!

Incredible Hercules

Police

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like "Damn, maybe I did!".

--Chris Rock

Haley: Wait, are you saying you don't kill?

Celia: Yeah, uh, MOST people don't kill, Haley! That's why there are laws against murder. It's really only adventurers who think "Hmm, how can I solve this problem? Oh, right, bloodshed!"

Belkar: That's not true. We run away a lot, too.

The Order of the Stick

Troll: I means, do you have any beer, spirits, wines, liquors, hallucinogenic herbage or books of a lewd or licentious nature?

Ridcully: No.

Troll: No?

Ridcully: No.

Troll: Sure?

Ridcully: Yes.

Troll: Would you like some?

Bursar: We haven't even got any billygoats.

There are some people that would whistle 'Yankee Doodle' in a crowded bar in Atlanta. Even these people would consider it tactless to mention the word 'billygoat' to a troll.

(...)

Troll: Oh-ho. Dwarf smuggling, eh?

Ridcully: Don't be ridiculous, man, there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling.

Troll: Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?

Casanunda: I'm a giant.

Troll: Giants are a lot bigger.

Casanunda: I've been ill.

Lords and Ladies

The police are anxious to speak with anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Politics

Ghillie-Dhu: ALL HEIL THE GHILLIE-DHU!

I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

-- Chris Rock

You know, the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. "Mr President, what about the war, when's it gonna end?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!" "Mr President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!" "Mr President, what about gay marriage?" "Fuck them faggots!"

-- Chris Rock

George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? George Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!"

-- Chris Rock

Vaarsuvius: Fine. But let the record show that I consider this an utter waste of my prodigious magical talent.

Roy: I'll inform our stenographer.

The Order of the Stick

Magrat: And then, I hope, we shall leave him to fight his battles in his own way.

Granny: Quite right. Provided he looks like he's winning.

Magrat: Whatever happened to not meddling?

Nanny: It's not propper meddling. Just helping matters along.

Magrat: (...) So what you're saying is that this "not meddling" thing is like taking a vow not to swim. You'll absolutely never break it unless of course you happen to find yourself in the water?

Nanny: Better than drowning.

Wyrd Sisters

Propaganda

Pop a Poppler in your mouth

When you come to Fishy Joe's.

What they're made of is a mystery

Where they come from no one knows,

You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em.

If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

... And now, backwards:

Explore Neepa-Noopa's snippers

Sue us if that snarb ekay mikkets

If we moosh, miffy licka, lick me murka

If we saw another Noofa in a wheelchair,

Mr. Rayanetto sauce!

He shaved the monkey love farm in your roof.

Hop-a-Hop!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn3aYvHbvx4&feature=channel_page

There has to be enough light to see the darkness.

Moving Pictures

Racism

Mr. Wong: Remember, black people run very fast. But problem run faster.

Norbit: ...That's kinda racist.

Mr. Wong: Yes, Wong very racist. Don't like black. Don't like Jew either. But black and Jew love Chinese food. Go figure.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I'd join the Ku Klux Klan if they'd let me!

Chris Rock

Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

Chris Rock

Being racist on Earth is much different from being racist on the cosmopolitan ports of the Galaxy. Here, the choices are endless.
You look at them insectoids and you think they're disgusting. Well, the insectoids look at us and think humanoids are disgusting. The difference is, they don't care.

Captain Drever

It goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead, and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real.

Neil Gaiman

Why do I choose to hate these people whom I see everyday, but I choose to love God who I've never met?

DeStorm Power

Justice is served... FROM MY BUTT!

Deadpool

Cartman: You shouldn't ever use the term "fag", Kyle. That's a hate word and it's insensitive to butt pirates.

South Park

Religion

The gods are about to get pissed.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

George Carlin: I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Christianity demands the crucifixion of the intellect.
What a dangerous objection it would be against Christianity, therefore, if Paganism had a definition of sin which Christianity had to acknowledge was correct.

Søren Kierkegaard

Child: Are the gods not just?

Master: Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?

C.S. Lewis

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Jacob knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, “There's just something about you that pisses me off."

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Pagan motto: Harm ye none, live as ye will.

I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously.

Douglas Adams

On the Disc, the gods are not so much worshipped as blamed.

Discworld

"I don't see what's so t'riffic about creating people as people and then gettin' upset 'cos they act like people," said Adam severely. "Anyway, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive."

Good Omens

You can't make things right by magic. You can only stop making them wrong.

Witches Abroad

Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.

Oscar Wilde

Raja: It's not my fault if she thinks dressing in a robe and shutting up a little makes her a Muslim!

I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Mohandas Gandhi

Granny Weatherwax: Once you start paddlin' with the occult you start believing in spirits, and when you start believing in spirits you start believing in demons, and then before you know where you are you're believing in gods. And then you're in trouble.

Nanny Ogg: But all them things exist!

Granny Weatherwax: That's no call to go around believing in them. It only encourages'em.

Lords and Ladies

Respect ghosts and gods, but keep away from them.

Confucius

I get on very well with the Christians there and the Church of England - well, I don't go to any church at all and never have done, but the church I don't go to is the Church of England. I wouldn't not go to any other church.

Sir Terry Pratchett

Hercules: Shut up. You're not listening. This is a myth I'm telling you. Myths aren't some collection of dates and biographies you bicker over like a clerk with his ledger. Myths are stories that only have the meaning you give to them. So listen...

The Incredible Hercules

Sadism

What I see here is a dozen people, all trying to make each other miserable. You disgust me, but it's also faintly amusing. Carry on.

A lawyer in an actual Dutch court

Vaarsuvius: Every living creature that directly shares your bloodline is dead. Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now. Given your kind's low rate of reproduction, I estimate that I have eliminated approximately one-quarter of the black dragons on the planet.

ABD: You... you MONSTER!

Vaarsuvius: We are all in the Monster Manual somewhere, are we not? My entry lies between Elemental and Ethereal Filcher.

The Order of the Stick

Right-Eye: I don't know why you let Xykon still call you that, much less all the other goblins. (...) It's demeaning.

Redcloak: Maybe, but I really don't want to go through the trouble of correcting Xykon at this late stage. With his memory, we're lucky he remembers "Redcloak" and "Right-Eye", to be frank. Actually, we're lucky he remembers "Xykon".

The Order of the Stick

Draco: You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.

Harry: Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Nemesis: IS THIS SOME MANNER OF SPACE-NINJA SMOKE-BOMB?

Wolverine: (healing) Should have just stuck him. You're all... soft.

Nemesis: I HATE SPACE-NINJAS! I HATE ALL NINJAS!

Psylocke: Thanks.

Uncanny X-Men

Sookie: Ooh, werepanthers. They're basically like werewolves, right? Except... cats?

Debbie: Please tell me she did not just compare us to cats.

Sookie: Sorry, it's hard to keep track of which one of y'all hate each other.

True Blood

Safe Sex

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities. (Matt Groening)

Ladies: Just because he came, don't mean you made him come! (Chris Rock)

He went on to associate Nick with several other unsavory items, the least offensive being the outcome of an improbable romantic liaison between a Hutt and a Wookiee.

Star Wars

Toast? No one can suck my cock after toast!

Frankie Boyle

Rocket Raccoon: Why are you krutacking kids even here again?

Ice Man: You offered us a ride.

Beast: He means, here in this time period.

Ice Man: I know. I just like talking to the talking raccoon. It makes me feel like a Disney princess.

Beast: We're here because... princess?

Ice Man: What? I'd make a better princess than you.

All-New X-Men

Northstar: How can you have lived on this Earth for 3000 years and still not know a single blessed thing about women?

Hercules: Practice.

Incredible Hercules

Shit

It's better to have shit coming out of your mouth then entering it!

But then again, Morgan didn’t trust anybody. He didn’t trust faeries because they weren’t human. He didn’t trust humans because they were human.

Mythorama

We gotta draw a fucking line on the sand, dude! We gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside of yourself and say, "what am I willing to put up with today?" NOT FUCKING THIS!

Egoraptor

Deadpool: You wouldn't be so tough if I had several large guns. Or if I could call in an airstrike. Or if you weren't safely ensconced in that large armored robot. There are actually several scenarios in which you'd be in BIG trouble. Just not this one.

Deadpool Corps

Shiver Me Timbers

Shiver my timbers, shiver my soul

Yo oh heave ho

There are men whose hearts are as black as coal

Yo oh heave ho

And they sailed their ship cross the ocean's blue

A blood-thirsty captain and a cut-throat crew

It's as dark a tale as was ever told

Of the lust for treasure and the love of gold

Shiver my timbers, shiver my sides

Yo oh heave ho

There are hungers as strong as the wind and tides

Yo oh heave ho

And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum

The devil himself would have to call them scum

Every man aboard would have killed his mate

For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight

A piece of eight

Five, six, seven, eight

Hulla wacka hulla wacka something not right

Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight

Hulla wacka hulla wacka sailor man beware

When the money in the ground there's murder in the air

Murder in the air

One more time now

Shiver my timbers, shiver my bones

Yo oh heave ho

There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones

Yo oh heave ho

When the mainsail's set and the anchor's weighed

There's no turning back from any quest that's laid

And when greed and villainy sail the sea

You can bet your boots there'll be treachery

Shiver my timbers, shiver my sails

Dead men tell no tales

On Friday morn when we set sail,

And our ship not far from land,

We did there spy a pretty, fair maid,

With comb and glass in hand.

And the raging sea did roar,

And the stormy winds did blow,

While we sailor boys were up aloft

And the landsmen down below.

Then up spoke the captain of our gallant ship,

And a brave young man was he--

"I've a wife and a child in Bristol Town,

And a widow I fear she'll be."

And the raging sea did roar,

And the stormy winds did blow,

While we sailor boys were up aloft

And the landsmen down below.

Then up spake the little cabin boy,

And a pretty little boy was he--

"I'm more grieved for my daddy and mam

Than you for your wife may be."

And the raging sea did roar,

And the stormy winds did blow,

While we sailor boys were up aloft

And the landsmen down below.

Three times 'round our gallant ship--

And three times 'round went she--

For want of a lifeboat, all went down

To cold ruin and watery death,

To the bottom of the sea.

The Mermaid

Spanish Inquisition

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPA-- Oh, bugger.

Close enough is good enough.

Vaarsuvius

Simmons: Sarge, come in, Sarge. Sarge, do you read? Argh! Lopez! Dammit. Hey, Lopez!

Lopez: (in Spanish) Yes?

Simmons: Is the radio busted?

Lopez: (in Spanish) Broken radio. How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?

Simmons: The radio, no work? Call Sarge-o. Yes or no?

Lopez: (in Spanish) You speak English worse than I do. Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours.

Simmons: Then. How come. I can't. Get. Sarge.

Lopez: (in Spanish) Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein.

Simmons: Can. You. Fix. It?

Lopez: (in Spanish) Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magic robot.

Simmons: How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English?

Lopez: (in Spanish) I don't know. Probably trying to avoid conversations like this.

Red vs. Blue

Sturgeon's Law

90% of everything is crud.

...but the remaining 10% is worth dying for.

Tatooine

Ahsoka: So this is your home.

Anakin: No.

Ahsoka: Tell me about it.

Anakin: No.

Star Wars

I like my villains how I like my coffee: dark and Lawful. And I like my heroes how I like my women: Chaotic and determinated.

Midrock

Xykon: (to Miko) I sense much anger in you.

Redcloak: Wow, your mystic senses are perfectly attuned to what she JUST said out loud.

Xykon: Shush, I'm on a tangent here. I get how it makes it easier to get out of bed if you hold yourself all high and mighty above us, but you're really not better than us. You just have a class with tougher alignment restrictions. Remember, paladin: Anger leads to hate, hate leads to... fear? Or is it suffering? I can never remember how this goes.

Redcloak: No, no, it's fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the Dark Side.

Xykon: Are you sure? Because I really thought "hate" was in there someplace.

Redcloak: Hmm, maybe you're right, that does sorta sound familiar...

Monster: Doesn't something lead to "gluttony"?

Redcloak: No, that's something else.

Xykon: Look, the point is, it's a net gain for Team Us.

Miko: I'm guessing "stupidity" also has a place in that progression.

Redcloak: You have no idea. (the Demon Cockroaches play with lightsabres)

The Order of the Stick

Time

Morgan: Say love, will I ever--

Fate: Yes.

Morgan: Yes what?

Fate: What you were going to ask.

Morgan: How did you know what I was going to ask?

Fate: I know everything.

Morgan: Of course.

Fate: Past, present and future.

Morgan: Wait, how did you know what I was gonna ask if I didn't even get a chance to ask it?

Fate: ... I knew I would say yes.

Morgan: Without knowing the question?

Fate: It was fate!

Morgan: And what if that's the wrong answer to the question I didn't even got around to ask?

Fate: If you didn't ask it, it doesn't have an answer. If it doesn't have an answer, why should it be a wrong one?

Morgan: I hate time travelling.

Mythorama

Redcloak: Good morning, this is your requested wake-up call. The time is now half past reasonable.

The Order of the Stick

I don't want to talk to me, I scare me.

Hiro Nakamura

Ando: Why do you want to be different?

Hiro: Why do you want to be the same?

Heroes

This is my timey wimey detector. It goes "ding" when there's stuff.
People assume that time is a straight progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective view point, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey... stuff.

The Doctor

Ice Master: I'm sorry, Robert. I cannot tell you what the future holds for the X-Men. Our mere presence here has been dangerous enough. Anything more could have catastrophic consequences for --

Iceman: Right, right, I know the drill. We actually teach a class here on the ethics of time travel.

Ice Master: Yes, and who teaches that again?

Iceman: Um. Rachel Grey, the lady who... came here from the future. (beat) And never left. (beat) I guess we never learn, do we?

Ice Master: It would be a far less interesting world if we did.

X-Men: Battle of the Atom

Undeath

Lord Xykon: I tell you, it's the little day-to-day surprises that make unlife worth unliving. Have fun!

The Order of the Stick

Rosencrantz: Do you think death... could possibly be a boat?

Guildenstern: No, no, no. Death is not. Death isn't. Take my meaning? Death is the ultimate negative. Not being. You can't not be on a boat.

Rosencrantz: I've frequently not been on boats.

Guildenstern: No, no. What you've been is not on boats.

Rosencrantz: I wish I was dead.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

Necross the Mad: I should say not -- I'm too busy trying to find a way to destroy the universe.

Cerebus: The whole universe? Isn't that rather drastic?

Necross the Mad: I prefer to think of it as suicide on a somewhat grander scale.

Cerebus: "Necross the Mad" doesn't half do you justice.

Cerebus the Aardvark

Universe

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

--Douglas Adams

Because we recognize that with choice comes responsibility. We are all doomed, we have all sinned, we have all eaten of that pancake. But, if we're lucky, our sufferings will leave lilies in our wakes. Boom.

Glen David Gold

It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.

Neil Armstrong

In this universe, absurdity tends to a maximum. Especially when I'm around.

Lando Calrissian

Hera: In the beginning, the world was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep... until the Earth goddess, Gaea, sprang spontaneously from the chaos. And if you ask me, it's all been downhill from there.

Assault on New Olympus

Mortals lament as their lives flit by like mayflies, due to our action or our neglect. But someone has to lay down the law! Someone has to move history forward - whether that means flooding cities or wiping out whole races! Each of your deaths has served a purpose. None of you will ever grasp the fullness of my work. Am I terrible? Am I callous? Am I unjust? Of course! But I am also utterly necessary.

Zeus, Incredible Hercules

Violence

You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.

--Chris Rock

You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, "Damn, he must have did something." Niggas will say "you motherfucker, I'd kill you if I could afford it! I'm gonna get a second job, I'm gonna take a mortgage out on my house, and then you're a fucking dead man!" And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

--Chris Rock

It was already growling, and the growl was a low, rumbling snarl of spring-coiled menace, the sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat and ends up in someone else's.

-- Good Omens

Recruiting Major: Admiral – there have to be standards—

Ackbar: Major, ask yourself how many of the everyday heroes of the Rebellion – not just the names everyone knows – would have qualified to fight for their freedom under your rules, and then ask yourself if that answer doesn't make you look just a bit like a dewback's cloaca.

Star Wars

Violence is never the answer, unless the question is "what is never the answer?", in which case you could answer, "violence", but you'd be wrong, because violence is never the answer.

Dan: I will smack you so hard your grandchildren will be mentally disabled.

Doctor McNinja

Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch."

The Order of the Stick

Preston: You can't just kill people because you're asked to.

Deadpool: Uh yeah, I can. I'm a merc. It's what I do. You may have also heard I have a mouth?

Zhaan: My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.

Farscape

2D: I don't know why we're always the target of such a large amount of violence, but y'know, we're cartoons. I can't think of a single cartoon off the top of my head who isn't under constant attack.

Noodle: Never a dull day!

Rise of the Ogre

What in...

What in the infernal name of Iblis's shaggiest Y-fronts is that?

What in the name of Merlin's left nut was that?

What in the name of the Prophet's wrinkled nutbag is that?

What in the name of the same gods that taught the Antlanters how not to swim is that?

What in Anne Bonny's voluptuous uncovered breasts is that?

What in the name of Hermes the creator of Caturday is that?

What in Adamastor's wrinkled lower storm clouds is that, bicho imundo?

What in the work of Samuel Butler, the Oscar Wilde of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese is that?

What in the full randomness of /b/ is that?

When Life Gives You Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When life gives you lemons, save the receipt.

When life gives you lemons, say thank you, you ungrateful bastards.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and watch the world try to figure how you did it.

Who the hell posted this in here? I´m calling the authorities.

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