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Regular Show (season 1)

season of television series
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Film | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of Regular Show.

The Power [1.1a]

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[First lines of the series]
Rigby: Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! [A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor] I'LL KILL YOU!!!
[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]
Mordecai: Tag up! Tag up!
[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]
Rigby: What?! [silence] Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? [Mordecai grabs Rigby] I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
Mordecai: I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
Rigby: You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
Mordecai: Yes, I do!
[Mordecai & Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]
Rigby: Uhhh..... [Stands up] Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... [Removes trash can] Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
Mordecai: Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
[They both begin laughing]
Mordecai: I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
Rigby: But it was fun.
Mordecai: Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get FIRED for this!
Rigby: You mean you're gonna get fired for this.
Mordecai: What?!
Rigby: You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
Mordecai: Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle!
Rigby: Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?
Mordecai: I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
Rigby: No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
Mordecai: Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
Rigby: Dude. [beat] ..You are a genius! Of course, raises!
Mordecai: Okay, dude, here's—
Rigby: Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
Mordecai: What?
Rigby: Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, "We both want raises." [starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]
Mordecai: No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
Rigby: No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! "Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?" C'MON!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! Hamboning~!!
Mordecai: No...
Rigby: Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, "What? You tryin' to mug me?" [starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]
Mordecai: No!! We're not doing that! Okay? OKAY?
Rigby: Fine... (Gasp) I know what to do!
[Rigby goes through pieces of clothing to find a keyboard]
Rigby: Hehe, are you for raises? Bop-weep-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-booooooo!
Mordecai: Woah! How did you get that?
Rigby: I have my methods.
[Flashback: The wizard runs and puts his keyboard on the park bench and goes behind the bushes to take a pee while Rigby takes the keyboard without the wizard looking]
[End of Flashback]
Mordecai: I don't know man, how is that gonna give us raises?
Rigby: Dude, c'mon man, look. Just come and check it out.
[Rigby presses a few keys and music plays]
Mordecai: (gasp) Where'd he go?
Rigby: Uhh...
Mordecai: Did you just send Skips to the moon?!
Rigby: Isn't that what you said?
Mordecai: No, room! I sent him to his room, not the moon you idiot! Dude, wish him back.
Rigby: But, it doesn't work that way.
Mordecai: What do you mean?!
Rigby: I can't see him, can't I?!
Mordecai: Then we have to go get him.
Rigby: But he's gonna be ticked!
Mordecai: Better than him being dead!
Benson: What is all this junk?
Rigby: Don't get mad at me guys, but I kind of sent a bunch of stuff to the moon while you guys were in the house.
(Flashback)
Rigby: A bunch of baby ducks, send 'em to the moon. Soda machine that doesn't work, send it to the moon.
(End of flashback)
Mordecai: You douchebag! What else did you send?!
(monster growling)
Pops: Look there's Skips! There he is!
Mordecai: Oh great, it had to be a monster.
Benson: What is that?!
Rigby: Ha-ha-ha! We did it! Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
Benson: Nope. You sent him to the moon, so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
Skips: Right. (Smashes the piano.)
Mordecai and Rigby: Aww!
Benson: And let's have it.
Rigby: What?
Benson: (Turning red) THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it back. (Rigby sighs then they give Benson the $20) NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED! Ugh, can you believe this?
Skips: No. (Door Shuts)

Just Set Up the Chairs [1.1b]

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Mordecai: Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
Rigby: LAAAAA~ME!!!
Benson: I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
Mordecai: You callin' us slackers?
Rigby: Did he!? Did you!?
Mordecai: He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
Benson: Good. Do it then.
Mordecai: We will.
Rigby: Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]
Benson: Fine.
Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
Benson: ...Just set up the chairs...
Benson: YOU!
Mordecai: Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]
Muscle Man: WOOO!!! This birthday party's hot!
Rigby: So we're cool, right?
Benson: YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!
[beat.]
Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
Benson: But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.
Mordecai: Yeah, no problem!
Rigby: We got it.
Mordecai: Don't worry about us!
Rigby: ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
Mordecai: Yeah.

Caffeinated Concert Tickets [1.2a]

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Benson: You morons get back here and help me pick up my gumballs!
Translator: Uh, Mordecai and Rigby. Uh, funny seeing you here...
Mordecai: A chainsaw, are you serious?! I mean, WHAT'S UP WITH THE CHAINSAW?!
Giant Coffee Bean: Coffee! Coffee coffee!
Translator: Why didn't you buy us tickets?
Mordecai: What are you talking about? We never said we'd buy you tickets!
Translator: But we had a contract!
Rigby: SHUT IT!!! (Snatches the tickets)
Mordecai: You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
Rigby: Everybody hates you!
Mordecai: Oh, and I just realized something...
Translator: What?
Mordecai: Your coffee sucks.
Mordecai and Rigby: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

Death Punchies [1.2b]

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Mordecai: Aw, man. Dude, let's play it
Rigby: Whoa whoa whoa! You can't play a game like this out of the box. We gotta stretch it out first. We don't wanna pull our hammies, you know what I'm saying? (BEEP!) Hey! What are you doing?
Mordecai: Starting. Hurry up and pick your character. (chuckles)
Rigby: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player 1!
Mordecai: Dude, I'M player 1. YOU'RE player 2.
Rigby: I don't wanna be player 2! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
Mordecai: Dude, they're exactly the same!
Rigby: Then why don't YOU be player 2?
Mordecai: [scoffs] I'm not usin' that sucky pickaxe.
Rigby: (Gasp) SEE?!
Mordecai: Dude, calm down. Let's play punchies to see who gets to be player 1.
Rigby: Fine! (Punches Mordicai)

(Mordecai punches back at Rigby causing him to fly across the couch)

Mordecai: Looks like I'm player 1.
Rigby: NO! It's not fair you always get your way! (Mocks Mordecai) "Let's play punchies, let's punchies!" I'm sick of it! Of course I'm not gonna beat you at punchies!
Mordecai: Dude, you don't beat anybody at punchies.
Rigby: Yes I do!
Mordecai: No you don't.

(Flashback of Rigby losing at a game of punchies)

(End of flashback)

Mordecai: We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! [imitating a doctor] Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
Rigby: STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!
Mordecai: [laughs] That's right. We used to call you "The One-Cheek Wonder!" Dude, I'm bringing it back.
Rigby: You better not.
Muscle Man: Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies with cheeks like that!
(shows Rigby's buttchecks)
Mordecai & Muscle Man: (Laughs)
Rigby: (Covers his buttchecks with his tail) SHUT UP!! Don't look at them! (Runs upstairs) I'll win at punchies, you'll see! (Slams the door then messes up Mordecai's side of the room) Dumb Mordecai!! I hate you!!
Mordecai: (Offscreen) You better not be messing up my side of the room!
Rigby: (Yells and picks up a phone book) YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!!! (Throws phone book but the book bounces back at Rigby's face) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Mordecai is annoyed by Rigby's screaming. He then grabs a set of headphones and continues playing)

Rigby: (Moaning) Stupid bo- (Pause) -ok? Death Kwon Do? (reads the page) "Learn kicks, chops, and punches in moments!" "Unlock your full potential today"? Yeeeeesss!

(Cuts to the Death Kwon Do Dojo)

Sensai: It's a touching story, really it is, but I don't know if you're ready for Death Kwon Do.
Rigby: Why not?
Sensai: Death Kwon Do is all about self defense. But from the sound of it, you just want to hit harder!
Rigby: Uh, no? Can you just teach me something?
Sensai: Hmm... Determination. I like that. OK, I'll teach you some beginner defensive moves. All you gotta do is pick from the sacred text of Death Kwon Do. (Holds up a note book) Let's see, we can start you off with the Bicep Flex of Death. Or there's the Leg Lifts of Death. That's a good beginners move, or the Pelvic Trust of Death. That's one of my personal favorites.
Rigby: That one. That's the one I want, the Death Punch.

(Shows the Death Punch of Death technique)

Sensai: That, I'm afraid is not for beginners.
Rigby: What? Why?
Sensai: Because you only wanna use it to beat up your friends. You're not pure of heart!
Rigby: What!? Don't call me not pure of heart! What about you with your crappy mullet?! YOU'RE the one who's not pure of heart!!
Sensai: THAT'S IT!!! I'm turning my back on you and counting to 3 of death. And when I turn back around, YOU'RE TOAST!! 1... of death. 2... of death.

(RRRIIIIPPPP!)'

(Sensai turns around and sees that the Death Punch of Death technique was taken away)

Sensai: (Gasps) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sensai's Student: Um, sensei? Uh... I think somebody just Death Kwon clogged the toilet.
Sensai: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Rigby: Whoa... Time to take this baby for a test drive. (screams and lands outside)
(Rigby looks around, and sees Muscle Man rolling a wheelbarrow with Hi Five Ghost behind him.)
Rigby: (screams and runs up to them, and throws out his punch beam at them. It hits Muscle Man and Hi Five so hard it sends them flying)
Muscle Man: (hits walls, cracking it) Oh no, bro!
(Screen shows Pops flying a kite)
(Rigby runs up and throws a punch beam at Pops, sending him flying into the sun)
Pops: WOOOAAAAAOOOOAOAAAOOOAH! (flies toward the sun)
(Skips is fixing a lawnmover. Rigby comes up and punches Skips. Skips breaks through the shed and skids the grass, knocking over a trash can, a tree, a lamp post, a bench, and another lamp post.)
Rigby: (screams insanely) YOU'RE NEXT, MORDECAI!
Mordecai: (finishes using the bathroom, humming) Alright, Rigby. Crybaby time's over. C'mon let's go get some food, I'm buy- aw what!?

(Sees that the room is a mess) Rigby!? UUUUGGGGGGHHH! He's gonna pay for this! (Picks up a book) Death Kwon Do?

Sensai: Why yes, sir. I have the Death Jump & the Death Dump right he- (Sees that the Death Jump & the Death Dump techniques were taken away) NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Cuts to the ruined park)

Video Game: D-d-d-d-d Dig Champs!
Rigby: Aw yes! It's finally happening!
Mordecai: Yep, for once being a huge baby actually worked out for you.
Rigby: STOP TALKING!!!
Mordecai: (Chuckles) Dude, just hurry up and play. You're just gonna die right at the beginning anyway.
Rigby: (Mimics Mordecai) Hmph! I'll show you.

(Rigby plays the game, but dies by touching a snail)

Rigby: Aw what!? Snails are bad? I thought snails were good!
Mordecai: No dude. Snails are bad.
Rigby: Aw man! This sucks. I wanna be player 2.

(Episode ends)

Free Cake [1.3a]

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Rigby: There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
Mordecai: Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
Rigby: Who's to say it's not my birthday?
Mordecai: ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
Benson: It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
Rigby: Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....no cake....
Pops: {appears from inside the bushes} But it IS Skips' birthday!
Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
Benson: But he's really private about it.
Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....no cake....
Benson: Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.
Wedding Entryman: Do you know the bride, or the groom?
Mordecai and Rigby: Uhhhh...
Mordecai: The one with the cake?
Wedding Entryman: [quickly closes red rope to wedding]
Mordecai and Rigby: UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!
Rigby: (groans) Man, it's almost eight. We're not gonna find him, let's just eat it.
Mordecai: No. Benson's gonna get pissed, so we shouldn't.
Rigby: Benson's gonna get like that no matter what.

Meat Your Maker [1.3b]

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Mordecai: [puts arms up]
Rigby: No. No, don't.
Mordecai: It's too late. [begins to move arms together]
Rigby: Come on dude, don't.
Mordecai: It's already in motion.
Rigby: Well, put it out of motion!
Mordecai: [crosses arms] You pissed me off. (in reruns, the line is changed to "You ticked me off.")
Rigby: ARGH!
Mordecai: Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
Rigby: Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
Mordecai: No, you don't.
Rigby: What do you mean?!
Mordecai: The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
Rigby: Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
Mordecai: Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
Rigby: Fine, I'll fix it.

Grilled Cheese Deluxe [1.4a]

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[Benson comes into the room, looking angry]

Benson: What are you doing with my sandwich?!
Mordecai: What?
Rigby: Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is our sandwich.
Benson: This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Benson" on the BAG?!
Rigby: Huh? It's supposed to say "Rigby," but they misspelled my name wrong.
Benson: [Now red] STOP LYING!!!
Mordecai: Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
Benson: No, he didn't buy it! Now, get off your lazy butts and go get me another GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!! [ He slams the door furiously]
Mordecai: [groans] Urggggghh! You ruined our day off.
Rigby: Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be that long.

[Cut to Cheezer's, where there is a long line.]

Benson: Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! (Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe) What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
Rigby: [rambling] There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
Benson: [sighs] Why do you always have to lie to my face?
Mordecai: We ran it over by accident.
Benson: See? Was it so hard to tell the truth...?
[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]
Jones: (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU’RE DEAD!!!
Rigby: We Saved The City, Astro!-- (The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)

The Unicorns Have Got to Go [1.4b]

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Rigby: If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
Mordecai: Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.
Mordecai: Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
Rigby: Dude, they're just partying.
Mordecai: How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
Rigby: They got you a lady.
(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)
Mordecai: That's not a lady. (approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder) Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
Billy: (angrily) Something's touching me! (elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)
Rigby: Hey, bros, check this out. (approaches Mordecai) Here, let me help you up. (He pulls his hand away at the last second) PSYCH! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? OHHHHH!
(The unicorns all laugh)
Mordecai: (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! (leaves)
Rigby: (worried) Mordecai, wait! (the door shuts off-screen)
Jimmy: (from upstairs) Bros! I found a trampoline!
Rigby: No! (runs up to his room) What are you doing to my bed?!
Jimmy: You sleep on this, bro?
Rigby: Get off it!
Jimmy: Right after this somersault! (flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps) Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)
Rigby: My bed!
(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)
Billy: Hey, bro. You know this nerd?
(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)
Billy: Check this out. (gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them) What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
3rd Unicorn: (taps Rigby's shoulder) Yeah, dude. Chill out! And have a DRINK! (sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)
(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)
Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Skips...
Rigby: We have a problem.
Skips: Unicorns?
Rigby: How'd you know?
Skips: They peed on my lawn.
Skips: You guys know what to do, right?
Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah.
Mordecai: (to the unicorns) Hey, Rigby, weren't we supposed to race some unicorns and not a bunch of losers?!
Unicorns: (Shouting all at once) BROS!! BROS!! BROS!!
Pops: Horseless carriages...
Unicorns: (Chanting "Bros")
Pops: Commence!

(The unicorns race fast while chanting "Bros")

Skips: This is how you get rid of unicorns.

(Skips presses the button that makes a ramp on the ground while The unicorns are still chanting "Bros")

Rigby: But what if they come back?
Benson: They ain't coming back. (Presses button)

(The unicorns explode after chanting "Bros" for the 5th time, leaving stars & sparkles)

Mordecai and Rigby: Cooooooool!
Benson: That's the only way to get rid of unicorns.
(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)
Benson: (furiously) I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was YOU DRIVING THAT CAR!!!
Rigby: The unicorn one? (Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming) COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!
Benson: (to Mordecai) And YOU!!! (Mordecai screams, shaking in fear) Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies! Idiots... (walks away)
Mordecai: Wanna go, bro?
Rigby: Strong Johns?
Mordecai: Yeah.

(End of "The Unicorns Have Got to Go")

Prank Callers [1.5a]

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Mordecai: [calls Benson]
Benson: Hello?
Mordecai: Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
Benson: (angrily) Who is this?
[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]
Benson: [from phone] Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
Mordecai: Dude, he's still on the phone!
Rigby: He's STILL on the phone!?
Mordecai: He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
[both convulse in fits of laughter]
Benson: (bangs the door open and furiously storms in) HANG UP THAT PHONE! You think your little pranks are funny, huh?! You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned from using the house phone? Okay! (Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!! (Slams the door furiously)
Mordecai: Dude, let's use Pops' phone.
Benson: What just happened?
Mordecai: We need your help to prank the Master Prank Caller.
Benson: Who?
Skips: Why did you prank him?
(The telephone rings)
Benson: I'll take care of this. [Answers the telephone] Hello?
Master Prank Caller: Nice ride, but I prefer mine better.
Mordecai's Voice: Hello?
Master Prank Caller: This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—
Mordecai's Voice: Hello?
Master Prank Caller: I said, this is the Master Prank—
Mordecai's Voice: Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Master Prank Caller: [frustrated] I SAID, THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER!!
Mordecai's Voice: Hello? Hello, are you there?
Master Prank Caller: RRRGH!!! [WOOSH] I SAID—!!
Mordecai's Voice: Ha ha! Just kidding! You just got pranked, loser! [BEEP]
Master Prank Caller: NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mordecai: Now!
[Skips, Mordecai, Benson and Pops, jump on the Master Prank Caller and grab him by the arms and legs]
Mordecai: Now, Rigby! Hit the power button!
Rigby: Who's the best prank caller now, jerk-dish? [Rigby presses the power button on the Master Prank Caller]
Master Prank Caller: No! NO! NOOOO! [Falls down on the ground, knocked out]

Don [1.5b]

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Benson: Hey you two! Quit fooling around, we’re having an emergency meeting!
Mordecai: Aw, what?
Rigby: Boo!
Benson: Outside, now!

Benson: Alright, everyone. I got some bad news. The park is being audited. ( He Points to Pops) Pops tried to pay the park taxes... (Gives him a look) ...with lollipops.

(The rest of the workers voice their displeasure.)

Pops: But I gave them more than enough.

Benson: We already went over this, Pops. You pay taxes with money, not lollipops.

Pops: (Sad) Oh...

Rigby: (Spits) What's the big deal? It's not like an audit is a bad thing.

Benson: It is a bad thing, Rigby. If we don't take care of this, the government takes all our stuff away.

[The park gang starts to panic]

Benson: Okay. We only have till 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
Muscle Man: I know someone who can help.
Benson: [angrily] If you say your mom, you're fired!
Muscle Man: [long pause] My mom!
Benson: GET OUT!
Muscle Man: It was worth it! [he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]
Mordecai: [thinks] Hmmm... Hmph! Hey! [looks at Rigby] We know someone.
Rigby: We do? [Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to] No! No way!
Benson: What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
Mordecai: Rigby has a brother. [Rigby punches him in the butt] And he's an accountant. [Rigby punches him again, rapidly]
Rigby: SHUT UP!
Mordecai: Dude, what do you have against Don?
[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]
Young Rigby: Guys, guys, guys! [zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai] Watch me blow out the candle, guys!
[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]
Young Don: Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
Young Rigby: Wha- wha - ? I told you to stay in the basement.
Young Don: Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
Young Rigby: I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
Rigby's Friend 1: I'll give you some sugar, Don.
Rigby's Friend 2: Yeah, me too! [giggles]
[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]
Young Rigby: DON'T YOU DARE!
Young Mordecai: I'm just getting some sugar, dude. [Rigby lets go of him] Besides, Don is cool.
[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]
Rigby's Friend: You're the best, Don!
[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]
Mordecai: Yeah. Don really made that party.
Benson: Call your brother.
Rigby: No!
Benson: CALL YOUR BROTHER!
Rigby: NO! I HATE HIM!!!
Benson: Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
Rigby: YOU BETTER NOT!
Mordecai: Dude, he could save the park.
Rigby: Dude, he could ruin my life! If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave.
Benson: No, you won't, you be nice to your brother OR YOU'RE FIRED!!! [to Mordecai] Call him.
Mordecai: [to Rigby] Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
[Rigby growls, on the verge of tears.]
Don: Benson, give me some sugar! [hugs Benson] Nice to meet you! [points to Pops] Hey, who's this guy?
Pops: I'm Pops!
Don: Pops, give me some sugar!
Pops: [runs laughing to Don and hugs him]
Don: [hugs Skips] Don. Good to meet you. [to Mordecai] Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
Mordecai: [hugs Don] Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
Don: Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
Rigby: Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
Don: Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
Rigby: AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
Don: What, bro?
Benson: [mouthing angrily] You keep your mouth SHUT!
Rigby: Nothing....
Don: Rigbone! How about a little pre-saving the park sugar? You know, for almost being done saving the park?
Rigby: NO!
Don: What's going on with us? You never give me some sugar. Did I do something?
Rigby: Yeah. You were BORN!
Don: [visibly hurt] Wow. That's heavy. I gotta get out of here. [Don leaves the room]
Mordecai: Dude? No, wait! Don!
Don: I'm sorry. I just... gotta get out of here! [Don continues leaving]
Benson: Where's DON?! [outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him] Don, wait! [Don has already left; to the others] What happened?
Mordecai: Rigby blew it! He wouldn't give Don sugar!
Benson: [Furious] WHAT?! GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!
Rigby: [Even more furious] NEVER!!!!! [runs away, panting]

Rigby's Body [1.6a]

edit
Mordecai: [Takes a bite of the salad] Ahh. I feel so much better.
Rigby: [Who is next to a blender with a doughnut, candy, and other junk food inside] So do I. [He starts the blender, grinding all the junk food into goop. He then proceeds to drink it, grimacing in pain again as his stomach rumbles]
Mordecai: Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
Rigby: STOP TALKING!
Mordecai: Whatever. I'm just trying to help. [Walks out of the kitchen]
Rigby: Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. I showed him.
[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]
Muscle Man: This...sucks! Wait.. what is that?
[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]
Rigby: GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
High Five Ghost: What are you~?!
Muscle Man: Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
Rigby: It's me, Rigby!!
Muscle Man: Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE!!
Rigby: No! I didn't steal anything!
Muscle Man: You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! [runs off]
Rigby: Come back!!
Muscle Man: No way, bro!
Rigby: It's me, Rigby!! [falls down] Aw, man!
Mordecai: Dude. How do you feel?
[Due to how badly his body is damaged, Rigby screams painfully; cuts to the interior of the Snack Bar, where Rigby is wrapped almost entirely in plaster, sitting on a wheelchair, with bleary eyes]
Rigby: Well, Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
Mordecai: Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
Rigby: What?
Mordecai: Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
Rigby: Pops?
Mordecai: Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
Rigby: Oh, turds!

Mordecai and the Rigbys [1.6b]

edit
Record Player: Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
Mordecai: Talent?
Record Player: Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!
Mordecai: Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do you think of..."Cool Dudes?"
Rigby: "Face Punch!"
Mordecai: "Rad and Subtract?"
Rigby: "Helicopter Crash!"
Mordecai: What about..."Mustache Cashstache?"
Rigby: That's it, THAT'S IT!!
Mordecai: Order the shirts! Order the shirts!
edit
 
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