How I Met Your Mother (season 7)

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How I Met Your Mother (2005–14) is an American sitcom, which aired on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

The Best Man [7.01]

[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']

Barney: Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]

[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]

Marshall: This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.

Kelly: [reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

The Naked Truth [7.02]

[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]

Nora: OK, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?

Barney: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]

Woman: Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]

[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]

Ted: I can't decide. They're both awesome.

Robin: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?

[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]

Lily: I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?

Ted: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]

Lily: Just call one of 'em!

Ducky Tie [7.03]

Ted: Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?

Lily: Stella.

Barney: Zoey.

Marshall: Karen?

Lily: The girl who beat you up.

Barney: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!

Marshall: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?

Ted: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]

Victoria: [gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!

Ted: Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just…I wish it had meant something to you, too.

Victoria: Are you kidding? I loved you.

Ted: Did you?

Victoria: Yes. We had such an amazing time together.

The Stinson Missile Crisis [7.04]

[One of Robin's colleagues, Patrice, is getting mushy at Barney's displays of affection for Nora]

Patrice: [commenting on Barney serenading Nora with his When A Man Loves A Woman rendition] He's so dreamy..

Robin: NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!!!!

[Having decided to apologize to Lily for interfering in her pregnancy, Ted and Marshall leave the birthing class]

Class Instructor: Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.

Marshall: [overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]

Field Trip [7.05]

[Marshall confronts Garrison Cootes over the piddly settlement from Gruber Pharmaceuticals]

Marshall: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.

Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.

Marshall: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]

Cootes: Boy or girl?

Marshall: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?

Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?

Marshall: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age]

Barney: I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!

Nora: You think I'm 37?

Barney: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.

Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.

Barney: You...you're 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -

Nora: [Surprised] What?

Barney: Nothing...[kisses Nora]

Mystery Vs History [7.06]

[Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped]

Robin: I wanna go home, daddy!

Robin Sr: [points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days.

Robin: But what am I supposed to eat?

Robin Sr: You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin]

Robin: Papa!!!!!

Robin Sr: Happy Birthday, son!!

[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]

Marshall: [seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.

Barney: [looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!

Robin: Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!

Barney: Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Noretta [7.07]

[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]

Future Ted: Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...

Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.

Future Ted: Instead, he took a different approach...

Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]

[Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers]

Lily: AHHHH, I can't go through with this!

Marshall: Thank God, me neither.

Lily: You're too much like my dad.

Marshall: You're too much like my dad!

Lily: [surprised] Your dad??

The Slutty Pumpkin Returns [7.08]

[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]

Barney: This is nice. What is this?

Waitress: Canadian whiskey.

Barney: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?

Robin: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from Yukon Blonde, hopped up on Timbits.

[Naomi, the Slutty Pumpkin, has mutually agreed with Ted to end their relationship]

Naomi: Ted, I've been looking for the hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons and the jackass who always dresses as laundry.

Ted: I hate that guy.

Naomi: That's why when I finally found you... it was hard to let go. Goodbye, Ted. [offers handshake, but Ted tries to hug her.] Let's not touch, ever.

Ted: Probably a good idea. [Naomi leaves]

Disaster Averted [7.09]

[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]

Ted: Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...

Robin: Unpopular.

Lily: Beaten up.

Barney: Going to movies with his mom.

Ted: A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Robin: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.

Marshall: Prepared to die a virgin.

Barney: Prepared to paint his sister's nails..

Ted: Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...

Robin: You're a tropical depression.

[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]

Lily: Don't let him tempt you, baby.

Marshall: I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Tick, Tick, Tick... [7.10]

[Aboard Sandy Rivers' cruise, Robin and Barney couldn't find the strength to tell Kevin and Nora about sleeping together again]

Robin: As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.

Barney: I don't.

Robin: What do you mean?

Barney: What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?

Robin: Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?

Barney: It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.

Robin: Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?

Barney: Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.

Robin: I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?

Barney: [long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.

[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]

Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.

Ted: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.

Marshall: We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.

Lily: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!

The Rebound Girl [7.11]

[Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents]

Marshall: Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.

Lily: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.

Marshall: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers....as a family.

[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]

Barney: Are we still friends?

Robin: Hope so.

Barney: Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?

Robin: I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]

Symphony of Illumination [7.12]

[Barney chances upon his old bro, Insane Dwayne, at a baby goods shop]

Barney: I can't believe I haven't seen you around.

Insane Duane: Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.

Barney: You stopped drinking?

Insane Duane: Oh, I still drink.

[Robin has just brushed Ted off from spending Christmas with him, and goes for a walk]

Robin: So kids, I settled in for Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. [scoffs] Big deal, this way, there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling when I wanna travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you wanna know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real. [Kids and couch fade away to snow] Real glad.

Tailgate [7.13]

[Lily is frustrated that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant]

Marshall: Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.

Lily: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.

Marshall: ...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.

Lily: I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.

Marshall: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.

Lily: There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

[with the failure of Puzzles, Ted, Barney, Kevin, and Doug watch the New Year's Eve countdown]

Barney: Oh my God...

Robin: [speaking on broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, stepped in puke, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...

Kevin: [smiles] That's my girl.

Robin: ...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. And that magic moment starts in ten. [starts countdown]

46 Minutes [7.14]

[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]

Marshall: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.

Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help-

Marshall: We don't need your help!!!

[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians]

Better Lily: We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?

Robin: [thought] Please God, no!

Barney: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.

New Marshall: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.

Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

The Burning Beekeeper [7.15]

Barney: Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!

Robin: She?

Barney: Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.

[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills]

Robin: I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."

Ted: That was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest.

The Drunk Train [7.16]

[Ted and Barney ride the Drunk Train for the first time]

Barney: Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? "I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid..." It's The Little Engine with Wood, the Whore-ient Express, The Long Island Tail-road!

Ted: Oh I got one - Thomas the Spank Engine.

Barney: Ted, that is a children's book.

[Kevin has just proposed to Robin, who's still unsure of an engagement]

Robin: Haven't you always wanted kids?

Kevin: That was before I fell in love with you.

Robin: That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, full of regrets. So I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, you will never have children. Are you really okay with that?

No Pressure [7.17]

[Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed]

Lily: Why are you in our bed?

Barney: I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!

[Barney just learned from Ted that Kevin and Robin broke up]

Barney: Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.

Ted: I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?

Barney: What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.

Ted: So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?

Barney: Nope.

Ted: Even if that somebody else was me?

Karma [7.18]

[Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else]

Barney: Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...

Myopic Stripper: Barney?

Barney: I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]

[Lily and Marshall arrive at Ted's apartment and see it empty. Lily sees note]

Ted: Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The apartment...is now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room. [They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room] See for me, this place had begun to feel a little haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.

The Broath [7.19]

[Ted and Robin clash over the apartment Quinn is subletting, and Robin lays out the real reason why she wants it so bad]

Robin: Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.

Ted: What do you mean?

Robin: I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."

Ted: I had no idea.

Robin: How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?

Ted: I don't think I can do normal anymore.

Barney: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.

Robin: Barney!

Barney: The two ladies will kiss!

[Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her]

Robin: Uh, Lily.

Lily: Sorry.

Barney: And now the gentlemen...

Ted: DUDE!

Barney: And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Trilogy Time [7.20]

[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]

Ted: ...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.

Marshall: [cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!

[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]

Barney: Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?

Ted: Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.

Barney: No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.

Marshall: We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.

Barney: I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

Now We're Even [7.21]

Sandy Rivers: Robin, I got something for you. It's huge...and I want you on it.

Robin: Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

[Ted is fed up with Barney's proposals for Legendary nights and demands why he wants it so bad]

Barney: Because...I'm dating a stripper.

Ted': Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.

Barney: No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.

Ted': Wow, you're in love with this girl -

Barney: I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

Good Crazy [7.22]

[Marshall and Barney work the AC casinos]

Marshall: Hope Lily's okay.

Barney: Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.

Marshall: Motion denied.

Barney: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]

Marshall: The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.

Barney: I did...it came back.

[Ted continues to see Robin in every person he encounters]

Ted: Why are you still here?

Robin: [as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?

Ted: I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?

Robin: [as old patron] Because you feel bad.

Ted: Of course I feel bad. I told you I love you, which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone.

Robin: That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because after you said it, you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?

Ted: [pause] I miss you.

Robin: [as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

The Magician's Code [7.23-24]

Part I

[Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth]

Barney: Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?

Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]

Marshall: In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -

Lily: I can't wait. What is the name?

Marshall: The name is Wait For It.

Lily: [screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!

Part II

[At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]

Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?

Quinn: By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.

TSA Officer: [sees box in bag] What's that?

Quinn: Yeah, what is that?

Barney: It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.

TSA Officer: Open the box, sir.

Barney: [laughs] Oh, I can't do that. [K9 barks]

TSA Officer #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?

Barney: Oh no, he's probably just barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]

Quinn: Oh my God.

TSA Officer: Tell us what's in the box right now!

Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

[Ted drives with Victoria riding shotgun]

Victoria: Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.

Ted: I know where we should go.

Victoria: Where?

Ted: Your wedding. I'm taking you back.

Victoria: I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.

Ted: I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.

Victoria: Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?

Ted: [softly] This never happened.