How I Met Your Mother (season 5)

season of television series

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main

How I Met Your Mother (2005–14) is an American sitcom, which aired on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

Robin: Look, Barney's awesome.
Barney: And Robin's more than awesome. She's awe-some-more. She's even awe-quite-a-lot.
[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It’s time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.
[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.

[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]

[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!

[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.
[Intro scene]
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!

[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, rook.
[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!

Lily: So, what did you guys do last last night?
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs] It was OK.
[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Future Ted: Others throw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!

[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]

[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.
[Ted receives a call]
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!

[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled "Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.

[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: [caught off-guard] Um...
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?
[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!
[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.

[Wendy the Waitress calls a take out order]
Wendy The Waitress: Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: [stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
Cook Pu: [embarrassed] Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]
[The gang teases Robin over Don]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]

[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue!
Ted: It’s the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!
Barney: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Robin: Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!
Barney: [About something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!

[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Barney: Hey.
Robin: [sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney: So you're not upset?
Robin: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Barney: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin: Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney: Done.
Robin: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.
[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
Barney: I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
Marshall: Forty-second? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry..
Marshall: OUT!! [points thumb at door]
[Barney defines lie]
Barney: A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

[knock at the door]
Lily: Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
Robin: What?!?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
Arthur The Pizza Guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
Marshall: All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
Arthur: Better.
Marshall: Good!
[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.

[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
Ted: How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall: Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
Ted: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall: I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall: That's what I'd do.
Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall: Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
Future Ted: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that this house.
Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Robin Mosby.
Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Barney: Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that.
Ted: Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
Barney: You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.
Barney: It's robots versus wrestlers!

Jefferson van Smoot: [After Marshall hit a gong and startled everyone] Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
Marshall: [to Barney and Lily] His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885! [he and Lily high five]
[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Ted Mosby]
Kid: Take that, Ted Mosby!
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Barney: Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Future Ted: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney: [chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying 'kiss'.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?
[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
Barney: [opens door] You guys bangin'?
Marshall and Lily: Whaaaaaa!
Barney: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted: [enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
Robin: This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier]
Don: Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
Robin: [teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]