How I Met Your Mother (season 3)

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How I Met Your Mother (2005–14) is an American sitcom, which aired on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

Wait For It [3.01]

[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]

Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.

Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.

Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?

Robin: I was trying to survive it.

[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]

Barney: Go for Barney.

Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.

Barney: What is it?

Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com

Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

We're Not From Here [3.02]

Lily: Gael's coming! Switch to big words.

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.

Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-

[everyone cheers]

Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE DOWN! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

The Third Wheel [3.03]

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney: You take too long to get ready.

Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.

Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.

Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.

Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.

Little Boys [3.04]

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

Ted: [voiceover] But she's afraid of commitment.

Lily: [voiceover] But she's a gun nut.

Barney: [voiceover] But she's... Canadian.

Marshall: [voiceover] But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

All: I can't think of anything.

Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!

Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!

Doug: It tastes better milk first!

Robin: It tastes the same!

Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?

Robin: Milk first it is.

How I Met Everyone Else [3.05]

Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?

Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]

Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?

Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.

Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

I'm Not That Guy [3.06]

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...

[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]

Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.

Ted: Terrific.

Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.

[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]

Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.

Ted: That really looks like our apartment.

Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]

Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Dowisetrepla [3.07]

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!

Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.

Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?

[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]

Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.

Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?

Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!

Spoiler Alert [3.08]

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall: Sugar helps me study.

Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?

Barney: [Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -

[flashback to restaurant]

Ted: I'll be back in one second.

Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.

Ted: Or maybe...

[flashback to restaurant]

Ted: I'll be back in a second.

Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.

Lily: Oh isn't that nice!

Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]

Ted: Or...

[flashback to restaurant]

Ted: I'll be back in one second.

Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.

[Barney spits out his water]

Slapsgiving [3.09]

Ted: How many days are there in October?

Barney: Ah, thirty?

Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.

[flashback to last year]

Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]

Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.

Barney: Damn it!

Barney: Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!

Lily: Barney, put it away.

Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

Computer: The slap will occur in ten-

Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!

Lily: Barney, put it away!

Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-

Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.

Barney: What?? Wait, you-

Computer: Two, one.

[Marshall slaps Barney]

Marshall: That's three!

The Yips [3.10]

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.

Ted: What do you do?

Barney: I invest.

Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!

Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?

Trish: A hundred.

Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.

Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?

Marshall: No.

Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?

Marshall: No.

Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!

The Platinum Rule [3.11]

Lily: We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.

Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.

Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.

Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

No Tomorrow [3.12]

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.

Ted: How do you know she’s from a different area code?

Barney: She’s 516. She might dress like she’s 718 and act like she’s 212, but trust me she’s 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty’s Day? If that dude’s not 973, I’m 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

Ten Sessions [3.13]

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I think it's time to find a new gang.

Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

Stella: Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.

Ted: Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.

Stella: Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?

Ted: No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.

[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]

Robin: [at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.

Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.

Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

The Bracket [3.14]

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin: Of course there are.

Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily: You can not be more evil.

Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

Lily: Barney! [embraces Barney] I'm so proud of you. That's not her.

The Chain of Screaming [3.15]

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?

Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!

Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.

Barney: I just called it.

Robin: You can't just call things!

Barney: I call that I can call things!

Sandcastles In The Sand [3.16]

Lily: How did you two meet?

Simon: I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.

Robin: "Starred in it" is more like it!

Barney: Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.

Simon: I was in the other one.

Barney: There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]

[Robin tearfully laments Simon breaking up with her for Louise Marsh...again]

Robin: I wanted to be sixteen again.

Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin: Right, first being you.

Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

The Goat [3.17]

[Robin and Barney just had sex]

Robin: Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.

Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.

Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.

Barney: Okay.

Robin: [whispering] Okay.

Barney: All right... So Robin?

Robin: Yes Barney?

Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

Barney: [after Ted punches him in the groin] Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?

Ted: You think that this is just about Robin? This is about ... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?

Barney: Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...

Ted: I am not going to Vegas with you. I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend and spend my thirtieth birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would ... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box. And that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."

Barney: What does that mean?

Ted: It means maybe you belong in that box.

Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Rebound Bro [3.18]

[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, even if Ted's a bit nervous]

Stella: Really? How long's it been for you?

Ted: It's been a while.

Stella: Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!

Ted: It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]

Robin, Lily, and Marshall: [at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

[Barney's coaching Randy on being a bro]

Barney: Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.

Everything Must Go [3.19]

Abby: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Barney: Yes!

Abby: You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]

Ted: Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]

Lawrence: Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.

Walter: [looks down at boots and pauses] Pulling. Them. Off! [Lawrence smiles]

Ted: [to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.

Miracles [3.20]

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.

Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.

Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.

Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

[Marshall will not take Robin's skepticism of miracles lightly and narrates one of his own miracle stories]

Marshall: July, 1999, Kennedy airport.

[A flashback to March 1997, when Marshall arrives home from Amsterdam and checks into Immigration at JFK]

Guard: Did you enjoy [Looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam?

Marshall: [Nervous] No? Nothing illegal. Some paintings...

Guard: Alright Bob Marley. [Takes Marshall's backpack] Let's have a conversation! [another guard enters, coughing and eating a bag of chips.]

Replacement Guard: Shift change! [First guard leaves; new guard looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam? Alright! Float on through, brother!

Marshall: [Current day] Miracle!!!!!