Wikiquote

Futurama/Season 1

1st season of Futurama
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Main

Futurama is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends who are coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.

Space Pilot 3000

edit
[The caption "December 31th, 1999" comes up and a crude spaceship flies through space, cruising over and under planets]
Fry: [voice-over] Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you. [A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and Fry is playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. A boy stands next to him. The game is against the wall of a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza] And that's how you play the game!
Boy: You stink, loser!
[Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box]
Mr. Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza going out! COME ON!!!
[Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out. In New York City Street, Fry cycles past people outside O'Grady's Pub enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside]
Fry: Michelle, baby! Where you going?
Michelle: It's not working out, Fry. [Next to her is a guy with his arm around her. The cab pulls away, shouting, from cab] I put your stuff out on the sidewalk!
[Time Lapse, Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed]
Fry: I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.
[In Outside Applied Cryogenics, he steps outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals the bike]
Bike Thief: Happy new year!
[In Applied Cryogenics Corridor, Fry steps out of the elevator of the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked "Applied Cryogenics". A sign underneath indicates "No Power Failures Since 199[7]". There is no response at the door and Fry goes in. In Freezer Room, the room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around]
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... [he reads the note] I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls. [He sits down on the chair, puts his feet on the desk and opens a can of beer] Here’s to another lousy millennium.
[He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]
Crowd: [Crowds have gathered for the countdown from Times Square, "10" appears on a huge screen] Ten! [On the Eiffel Tower displays "9"] Neuf! [On the Vatican City, the Pope holds up a sign it reads "VIII" on it] Otto! [Egyptians crowd around the pyramids in Egypt] Saba! [People are gathered around the Parthenon in Athens] Eksi! [On the Great Wall of China, he chants] Wu! [On the Taj Mahal, he chants] Char! [On the African Village, he chants and jumps] Thathu! [On the Tokyo, a screen displays "2"] Nee! [In space the whole planet sees in the new millennium, he all chants] One!
[Fry unenthusiastically blows a noise maker and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he see the Nibbler’s shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years]
Fry: What the—? [He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time]
[Days and night and eventually years pass à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disoriented, he stumbled and he stretch his arms. He looks around and noticed something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe. Fry's first glimpse of the future]
Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again. [Pause.] YAHOO!!!
[Opening Credits, he reads In Color. A TV opening cartoon called "Little Buck Cheeser" by MGM (1937). The tv off he reads "Created By Matt Groening" and "Developed By Matt Groening David X. Cohen" and the ship breaks TV. After opening credit, Fry continues looking out of the window in Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The door opens and two shadows walk in]
Terry: [melodramatically] Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
[The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one, Terry, is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other, Lou, is a black-haired Asian]
Lou: Why do you always have to say it that way?
Terry: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? [He turns to Fry. Dramatically] Come, your destiny awaits!
[At Applied Cryogenics Corridor, the technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office]
Lou: Have a nice future.
[The door slides open]
Fry: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! [The door closes on his head] Ow!
[A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail]
Leela: Good afternoon, sir. [Fry is impressed with what he sees. Leela turns around. She has one huge eye in the middle of her face. Fry gasps] Name?
Fry: Uh, Fry.
Leela: I’m Leela. Now, it’s New Year’s Eve, so I’d like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here.
Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Leela: As long as it’s not about my eye.
Fry: Uh…
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Fry: Sort of.
Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
Fry: What’s with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.
Fry: Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?
Leela: No, I just work here.
[Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp displays "Happy New Year 3000". Leela follows his gaze]
Fry: Wait a minute. Is that blimp accurate?
Leela: Yep. It’s December 31st, 2999.
Fry: My God! A million years!
Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.
Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. [Fry lies on a metal table in Probulator Room, surrounded by probing equipment. Leela puts a single-lensed goggle on and presses a button. Fry squeaks] Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He’s your great-great-great-great-great-great-great… [Fry is now fully dressed] …great-great-great-great-great nephew.
Fry: That’s great! What’s the little guy’s name?
Leela: Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
[She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick glasses]
Fry: Eurgh! [Leela types something on a computer in Fate Assignment Officer’s Office] Y’know, I’m the luckiest guy in the whole future. I’ve been given a second chance and this time I’m not going to be a total loser. [Buzzer buzzes] What’s that?
Leela: Your permanent career assignment.
[She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is displayed on the screen]
Fry: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! [He grabs Leela’s hand]
Leela: Take your hands off me! You’ve been assigned the job you’re best at just like everyone else.
Fry: What if I refuse?
Leela: Then you’ll be fired…
Fry: Fine!
Leela: Out of a cannon into the sun!
Fry: But I don’t like being a delivery boy.
Leela: Well, that’s tough! Lots of people don’t like their jobs but we do them anyway. [She points at a poster of a man wearing a hardhat with the caption “You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do”] You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I’m gonna implant your career chip. It’ll permanently label you as a delivery boy.
[She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end]
Fry: Keep that thing away from me!
[He gets up and runs out of the room. He runs from the office in Applied Cryogenics Corridor. Leela runs in Freezer Room, after Fry and he dodged the implant gun]
Leela: Hold still, dammit. I don’t have good depth perception! [She jumps at Fry, missed it, and falls into a cryogenic freezer, it sets itself for 1000 years] You’ve got until the count of five to let me out of here. One… [In a flash, she is frozen]
Fry: See you in a thousand years! [He start to walk out but hesitates. He walks back and changed the freeze time to five minutes] You own me one. [Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him] Whoa!
[Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically-placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying though a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds and entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in]
Man #1: Radio City Mutant Hall. [The man is sucked up into the tube]
Fry: Cool! [He steps into the tube] Um… Cross Town Express?
[The tube sucks him up and he screams as he files through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and sees Blinky from The Simpsons and finally out the other end smack into the building. A man looks up from his newspaper]
Man #2: Pfft! Tourist!
[A hover-car files over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth]
Fry: Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. [An impatient robot joins the queue behind him. It is more or less human-shaped, grey, with an antenna on top of its head] Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass. [Fry looks around at the robot's ass]
Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.
[Fry steps into the booth, overlooking the sign on the side that says “Suicide Booth”. Fry whistles and press a button and nothing happens. The robot steps into behind him]
Bender: Listen, buddy. I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer.
[He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks]
Suicide Booth Voice: Please select mode of death: "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible".
Fry: Yeah, I’d like to place a collect call.
Booth Voice: You have selected: "Slow and Horrible".
Bender: Great choice! [Knives, tasers and Jacob's Ladders come out from behind a hatch] Bring it on, baby!
[Fry screams. Meanwhile, the robot is getting impatient]]
Bender: Come on, come on! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender! [He holds out his hand]
Fry: Help! What's happening?
[The sharp objects move forward. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch]
Booth Voice: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008.
[Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out, gasping]
Bender: Lousy, stinking rip-off! [He kicks the booth] Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk!
[The timer on Leela's chamber runs out in Applied Cryogenics. The door opens and she is unfrozen]
Leela: Two, three— Hey!
Terry: [melodramatically] Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
Leela: Shut up, Terry.
[In Ipgee's Office, Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it]
Ipgee: This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip.
Leela: Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him.
Ipgee: Well, that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! [Leela leaves. He puts his feet up on the desk] Life is good!
[At O'Zorgnax's Pub, Fry and Bender sit at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortean malt liquor]
Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want! [He belches fire] So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.
Fry: Really? What do you do, Bender?
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Fry: You any good at it?
Bender: You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. [unsure] 31. [normal] But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Fry: What?
Bender: Suicide booths! [He finishes his drink and swallows the bottle] Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I’m gonna go kill myself. [He gets up]
Fry: Wait! You're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, okay. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger.
[Fry looks out the window and sees Leela]
Fry: Oh, no! It's the Cyclops! [He crouches down behind Bender] Don't look! Don't look!
Bender: I'm not looking!
[His eyes zoom in to Leela. At outside of O'Zorgnax's Pub, Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator]
Leela: This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.
[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers named Smitty the human and Officer URL the robot standing right next to her Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator]
Officer Smitty: We'll be there in 5 minutes.
[In Outside the Head Museum, Bender stops Fry outside the building]
Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays!
[He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him. In Head Museum, hundred of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms]
Leonard Nimoy: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Fry: Spock? Hey! Hey! Do the thing!
[He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles]
Leonard Nimoy: I don't do that anymore.
Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day?
Leonard Nimoy: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It’s a life of quiet dignity.
Feeder Woman: [He enters] Feeding time!
[She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. Nimoy eats what comes out. The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL]
Leela: Hmm. [She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a self in amongst other assorted heads] I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip.
Fry: Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it?
Leela: It's my job! You gotta do what you gotta do! [Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it] Watch it!
[Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashed]
Richard Nixon: That's it! You just made my list!
[He jumps up and starts bitting Fry's arm]
Fry: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president!
[Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off]
Smitty: Alright, buddy, step away from the head!
[Fry and Bender put their hands up, and Fry looks at Nixon's bitting his Fry's arm again]
URL: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!
[They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry]
Leela: Please, officers, there's no need to use force.
URL: Let us handle this, weird-y.
[He hits Bender]
Leela: Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages.
Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball!
Leela: No one makes fun of my nose.
[She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room]
URL: Damn!
Leela: You guys were totally out of control.
Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers.
URL: Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do.
[Leela considers this. In Head Museum: Hall of Criminals, Bender locks the door]
Bender: Oh, we're trapped!
[Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it]
Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender?
Fry: Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program… yep.
Leela: [From outside] Open up!
Fry: Come on, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.
Bender: You're full of crap, Fry! [He turns and a dangling wire catches on his antenna and electrocuted him] You make a persuasive argument, Fry. [He starts to bend the bars]
Fry: Come on, Bender! You can do it!
Bender: Can't… I… can't… do… it…!
[The bars bend and break off completely]
Fry: Yes!
Bender: You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable!
[His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help]
Fry: I don't know how you did that.
[Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window. In Outside Head Museum, Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars]
Leela: Wait!
Bender: [shouting]: No, thanks!
[In Alley, Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top]
Bender: Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate.
[He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender groans and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry. In Ruins of Old New York, Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof left in a few shafts of light]
Fry: Good Lord! What is this?
Bender: It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal!
[Time Lapse, Fry and Bender walk down a ruined street]
Fry: It's my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories.
Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, pops!
[In Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink, Fry learns over a wall]
Fry: This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. [Flashback, Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice. Flashback ends, The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters inhabited by a green tentacles creature] My God! She's gone! Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone.
Bender: Wait! There's someone you know!
[He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun]
Fry: Oh. Can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already.
Leela: I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel.
Fry: No you don't. I've got no home, no family.
Bender: No friends.
Fry: My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone.
Leela: I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone.
Fry: Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. [He holds out his hand to Leela. She gets the implant gun ready. Fry cringes and looks away. The gun clicks but Fry feels nothing. He opens his eyes and sees Leela drop her own chip on the floor] Your chip. What are you doing?
Leela: Quitting.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you.
[She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on top]
Fry: What is the matter with you?
[Bender quickly takes his hand off]
Bender: I just wanted to be part of the moment.
Leela: Hey! He stole my ring!
Bender: Sorry. [He hands Leela's ring back] Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. [He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles of beer… and drinks them all himself]
Leela: I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We’re unemployed and we have nowhere to go.
Fry: Correction: We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of.
[He holds up the picture of Farnsworth. At Planet Express headquarters, Lounge, Professor Farnsworth is asleep in his chair, the TV is on]
Dick Clark: [on TV] Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve! [The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth wakes up. In Outside Planet Express, Farnsworth opens the door to Fry, Bender and Leela]
Professor Farnsworth: Who are you?
Fry: I'm your dear old Uncle Fry.
Farnsworth: I don't have an Uncle Fry.
Bender: You do now!
[He pushes Farnsworth back inside. In Planet Express, Lounge, Farnsworth and Fry are hooked up to a machine. It dings and a red light flashes]
Farnsworth: By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible!
Bender: Can we have some money?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. [In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab, the four walk in] Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! [He points in the general direction of a big green spaceship in a huge hanger next to the lab] And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire.
[He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the hangar]
Fry: Whoa! A real live spaceship!
Farnsworth: I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used.
Smitty: [from outside] Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded.
[Leela gasps]
Fry: No!
[Bender literally shits a brick. In Outside Planet Express, Smitty holds Nixon's head in a jar, he was back to normal. The glass is cracked and taped in places]
Richard Nixon: Get those burns!
[In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab]
Bender: Well, we're boned!
Leela: Can't we get away in the ship?
Farnsworth: I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas.
[They run towards the ship with Bender carrying Farnsworth under his arm. In Ships Cockpit, Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front of a control panel]
Fry: I'll get us out of here.
[He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills it with coffee]
Farnsworth: Can anyone drive stick?
Leela: I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park.
[She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes down a lever. In Planet Express, Hangar, klaxons beep and a huge piece of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship. In Outside Planet Express, peace officers armed with laser rifles are stationed outside. URL sees the roof open]
URL: If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser.
[Smitty nods. In Ships Cockpit]
Leela: Prepare for lift-off. Ten.
Crowd: [In Times Square, he chanting] Nine! [In Egypt, the future pyramids now rotate in mid-air, chanting] Amania! [In Paris, he chanting] Seven!
[In Alien Ship, he chanting in alien he reads 6]
Terry: [In Applied Cryogenics, Freezer Room, Lou sits in an open pod and he raises a glass, dramatically] Five!
Leonard Nimoy: [In Head Museum, He is wearing a party hat] Four.
Farnsworth: [In Ships Cockpit, Fry, Bender and he are sat on a couch at the front of the cockpit] Three.
Bender: Two! [He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch]
Leela: One!
Fry: Blast-off!
[In Outside Planet Express, the ship takes off. In Times Square, people cheer in the new millennium and fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto the moon and the ship files between the fireworks]
Crowd: Happy New Year!!!
[In Outside Planet Express]
Richard Nixon: Fire! Fire!
[The peace officers fire their laser guns randomly into the air]
Smitty: I can't see nothing. Pretty though.
[The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly miss it. In Ships Cockpit, the ship clears New New York airspace, flies though the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. Everyone cheers]
Fry: So, I guess, without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever.
Farnsworth: Not necessarily. Are you there, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew?
Bender: New crew? W-What happened to the old crew?
Farnsworth: Of those poor sons of… But that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested?
Fry: Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted!
Leela: Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper carrier chips.
Farnsworth: Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew.
[He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents Of Space Wasp's Stomach"]
Fry: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve?
Farnsworth: If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?
Farnsworth: You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination.
[The smile fades from Fry's face]
Fry: So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy?
Farnsworth: Exactly.
Fry: [Beat] All right! I'm a delivery boy!
[The ships flies on and the credits show runner appears he read Executive Producers Matt Groening David X. Cohen. The credits started. The Curiosity Company and 30th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode. This is a silent from the logos on Hulu and Disney+. In Original airing and DVD version he was sound effects]

The Series Has Landed

edit
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.
Bender: I'm going to go build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park!
Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my OWN lunar lander... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)
Craterface: At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)
[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]
Farnsworth: My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]
[Farnsworth and Fry are outside Dr. Zoidberg's office]
Farnsworth: Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you, though, he's a little unusual. [whispering] He wears sandals. [The door opens. Dr. Zoidberg, who is indeed wearing sandals, turns his head. Fry shrieks.] Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent. [He bends over and retrieves a medical tool.]
Farnsworth: You'll be fine. [he leaves]
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Zoidberg: Really? [he pulls a reference card from his top pocket, then looks at it]
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: [angrily] Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "Bbrglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... yededededededede!
Zoidberg: [even more angrily] What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!!!
[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice-- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!
Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife
Animatronic Whalers: [Singing] We're whalers on the moon,
We carry a harpoon.
But there ain't no whales,
So we tell tall-tales,
And sing our whaling tune.
Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
Fry: But, you are lazy right?
Sal: Oh, don't get me started!
Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! GET IT--uh, oh. [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you...
[Fry removes magnet]
Bender: Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit.
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?
Bender: Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer...

I, Roommate

edit
Bender: You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.
[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]
Fry: I don't get it. What's the catch?
Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.
[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]
Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.
Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...
Fry: Bender, wake up!
Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Where's the bathroom?
Bender: The bath what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: The what room?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: The what what?
Fry: Never mind.
[Bender goes back to sleep.]
Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?
Farnsworth: [Talking on the phone] Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.
Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!
[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an apartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]
Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.
Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?
Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!
[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]
Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...
Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert.
Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.
[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!
Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!
Bender: I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.

Love's Labors Lost in Space

edit
Zapp Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?
Unseen Man: You suck!
Zapp Brannigan: Kif.
Kif Kroker: Yes… ugh. Yes, Captain.
Zapp Brannigan: I have mated with a woman. Inform the men.
Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!
Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?
Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.
Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
Leela: No, just a regular mistake.
Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
[Short pause]
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question.
[Kif groans]
Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.
Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: Birds don't crawl.
Zapp Brannigan: They've been known to!
Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.
Zapp Brannigan: Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Leela: Threaten all you-- Wait. What?
Zapp Brannigan: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!
Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad...or two!
Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.
Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
Leela: Animals?
Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
Leela: Wait! What about the animals?
Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.
Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?
Farnsworth: The wha?
Leela: The animals.
Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: The boy, Sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Fear of a Bot Planet

edit
Robot #1: Administer the test.
Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?
Robot #1: Choose!
[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]
Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!
Robot #2: Correct!
Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.
Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukkah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Leela: Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robamadan" and before that "Robanza".
Fry: Man, that one was a blast!
Bender: It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.
Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't bori— [He cuts himself off.] ... So, they finally jazzed it up!
Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!
[The robots in the crowd laugh]
Robot Mayor: A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!
Fry: It's him! He's OK!
Bender: Death to humans!
[The robots in the crowd cheer]
Fry: Aww... It's good to hear his voice.
Fry: We're rescuing ya.
Bender: I don't want to be rescued.
Fry: Say what?
Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.
Leela: [Noting score on a sheet of paper.] Alright! Miller's on pace to hit 70 blerns!
Farnsworth: He's good alright, but he's no Clem Johnson! And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory!
Bender: Clem Johnson! That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old robot league! Now, Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hittin' machine!
Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. I mean, come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
Bender: Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was "just a modified howitzer"!
Leela: Yep.

A Fishful of Dollars

edit
[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]
Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off the stereo.
Voice on TV: Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers
Fry: Oh, those were the days...
Voice on TV: Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
Fry: I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing...
Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
Mom: Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...
Fry: What a nice lady.
Prof. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!
Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Prof. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...
[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.
Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...
Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!!!

My Three Suns

edit
[Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]
Fry: Hey, whatcha watching?
Leela: Is that a cooking show?
Bender: [turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.
Leela: [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.
Fry: It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.
Bender: [sotto voce] Pansy.
Murg: The Emperor Bont! He's still alive.
Bont: [from inside of Fry's stomach] Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out!
Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?
Fry: Uhh...... 80,000 years?
Leela: No, one week!
Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.
Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
Fry: That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
Fry: It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!
Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind.
Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Organ Salesman: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Organ Salesman: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.
Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Prof. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Prof. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you and goodnight.
Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Prof. Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

A Big Piece of Garbage

edit
Fry: [After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: So what's it called now?
Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Bart Simpson-doll: Eat my shorts!
Bender: Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.
Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?
Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.
Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.
Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?
Wernstrom: That's right.
Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]
Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.
Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!
Bender: Ooh, name it after me!
[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]
Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
[In the movie.]
Female Scientist: Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
Male Scientist: With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]
[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]
Leela: Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.
[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]
Leela: Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?
[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:
Bender: There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!
Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!
Fry: [screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?
Bender: Right.
[Fry screams again]

Hell Is Other Robots

edit
[After escaping Robot Hell]
Bender: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.
Leela: Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?
Bender: I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?
Fry: [Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?
Bender: [Nervous] No! Don't come in!
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.
Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.
Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...
[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]
Bender: Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?
Robot Devil: [Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,
We'll find ways to simulate that smell.
What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a panatela,
Here on Level One of Robot Hell.
Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phony IOU's
Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,
I'm pit boss here on Level Two.
Ooo, deep-fried robot!
Bender: Just tell me why...
Robot Devil: Please read this 55-page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I...
Robot Devil: We've checked around; there really aren't!
Bender: Then please let me explain,
My crimes were merely boyish pranks...
Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
Bender: Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]
Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!
Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,
Musicians need that income to survive
Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!
[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]
That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!
[Cut to Fry and Leela on the slide]
Fry:I don't feel well...
Leela:It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell...
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel...
Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
So just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!
Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds,
Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,
You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,
You'll suffer till the end of time,
Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!!!
Fry: Bender, are you alright?
Bender: No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
[After delivering the subpoenas]
Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little.
[at a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
Hermes: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. [points at Zoidberg] Probably you!
Zoidberg: Me?
[Later]
Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.
Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.

A Flight to Remember

edit
Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?
Zapp Brannigan: No!
Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.
Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
[The ship shakes and rumbles]
Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.
Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.
Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".
Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
Bender: You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!
Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?
Bender: All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
Bender: [hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!
Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!
Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
Zapp Brannigan: No.
Kif: Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.
Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.
Craps dealer: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.
Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Prof. Farnsworth: Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]
Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.
Kif: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.
Fry: You're not jealous, are you?
Leela: No!
Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.
Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?
Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.
Leela: Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here
Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.
Leela: Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]
[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]
Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?
Kif: This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.
Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]
Kif: But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.
Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Mars University

edit
Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a very special delivery today.
Fry: Who's it going to?
Professor Farnsworth: Me.
Bender: [dusting off hands] Another job well done!
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.
Fry: You mean peer pressure?
Fry: Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Farnsworth: Well, in those days, Mars just was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But UNLIKE Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636.
[While searching the jungle for Guenter]
Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!
Professor Farnsworth: Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]
Guenter: All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!
Professor Farnsworth: NOOOOOO!
Bender: [upon discovering that the robots in his fraternity, Robot House, are all nerds] Uh oh! NERDS!
Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...
Bender: Now I can explain that!
Dean Vernon: [repeated line] Robot House!!
Leela: So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?
Prof. Farnsworth: All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.
Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.
Bender: Uh-oh! NERDS!
Fry: [upon meeting Guenter] My roommate's a MONKEY?
Guenter: [dryly] Brilliant deduction. You're a credit to your species.
Fry: You want a banana?
Guenter: I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars made from tofu.
Fry: [narrows his eyes] I don't like you.
Prof. Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: In what field?
Prof. Farnsworth: I don't care; they all pay the same.
Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?
Prof. Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry:[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!
Prof. Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

When Aliens Attack

edit
Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!
Zapp Brannigan: The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
Zapp Brannigan: [having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mother ship.
Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
[Kif checks the star chart]
Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.
[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]
Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
[Fry and Bender recline with open beverages in the employee break room. Hermes walks in reading a stack of papers.]
Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boatbag!
[He rolls up the papers and hits Bender with them.]
Bender: Ow! [Fry chuckles. Hermes hits Fry next.]
Fry: Oof! Hey, quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day.
Hermes: Labor Day?! That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
[Hermes removes his jacket and dress shirt and sits between Fry and Bender, accepting a beer.]
Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.
Kif Kroker: Um...not me, sir.
Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.
Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: Gimme the script.
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal! She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world!
Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Lrrr: SILENCE!
Lrrr: We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, FOR FIVE DAYS, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 Central!
Amy: There. How do I look?
Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy: French?!
Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
Lrrr: Attention, McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!
Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!

Fry and the Slurm Factory

edit
[Bender feels sick]
Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc!
Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
Professor Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!
[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]
Bender: [gasps] That's no lady!
Trans-bot: Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
Trans-bot: You couldn't afford it, honey! [snaps fingers and struts away]
Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!
Small Glurmo #1: But Your Highness, she's a commoner! Her Slurm will taste foul!
Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!
Bender: What should we try it on first?
Fry: Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] Ow, my sperm!
Bender: I'll try it again [He does so]
Fry: Huh. Didn't hurt that time
Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty.
Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Glurmo: There will be no further questions!
Fry: [Raises his hand] Why?
Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough!
Grunka-Lunka song:
Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Doo!
We've got a friendly warning for you!
Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dasis!
The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis!
Asking questions in school is a great way to learn;
If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke!
We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm;
It could easily happen again to you, folks!
So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut!
Grunka-Lunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dut!
Glurmo: Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break!
Grunka-Lunka: Hardass.
Glurmo: I heard that!
Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
Glurmo: Nothing.
Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dingredient!
You should not ask about the secret ingredient!
Bender: [angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Darmed-Guards...
Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
edit
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Futurama/Season_1&oldid=3641151"