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Futurama/Season 2

2nd season of Futurama
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Main

Futurama is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. In the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends at the Planet Express delivery company.

I Second That Emotion

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Leela: Are you alright?
Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
Leela: Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.
[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]
Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!
Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming.
Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.
Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler!
Leela: Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.
Professor Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.
Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it.
DoctorBot: All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer.
Bender: [laughs hysterically] Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon!
Bender: Hey! What the hell are you doing with my head?!
Professor Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.
Bender: Then why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?
Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!
Leela: No. We're on the top.
Fry: Daylight and everything.
Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
Bender: Meh.

Brannigan, Begin Again

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Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.
Zapp Brannigan: My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif Kroker: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Zapp Brannigan: Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.
Leela: I never loved you.
Zapp Brannigan: I meant physically. Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors.
Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif might!
Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.
Fry: We don't have a brig.
Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".
[Later]
Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes?
Zapp Brannigan: Take them to the laundry/brig!
Zapp Brannigan: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.
Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?
Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.
Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess. And my Banjo. [Fry looks at him.] And Fry.
Neutral President's Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.
Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".

A Head in the Polls

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Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
Prof. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.
Richard Nixon's Head: Look here, you drugged-up communist! I paid for this body, and I'd no sooner return it than my Cocker-Spaniel dog, Checkers.
Checker's Head: Arf!
Richard Nixon's Head: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!!!
Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... Puny human no. 1, puny human no. 2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family. [pulls a live baby out of his chest compartment and kisses it]
Bender (watching television): Great, first he steals my body, now he's touchin' my stuff!
Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon with charisma? My god, I could rule the universe!
Richard Nixon's Head: NIXON'S BACK!!
Morbo: All hail our gargantuan, cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money!! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
Prof Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Prof. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
Jack Johnson: It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say, I'm against those things that everybody hates!
John Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly... I agree with everything he just said!
Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.
[The man is in a library amongst the bookshelves.]
Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. [His glasses fall off and break.] It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. [His eyes fall out.] Aaah! It's not f-- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille. [His hands fall off.] Aaaaaaah! [Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off.] Hey, look at that weird mirror!
Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel!
Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
Fry: Leela, I got a plan.
Leela: I got a better plan.

Xmas Story

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Conan O'Brien's Head: [fed up of Bender's heckling] Listen pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012, but I still have one thing you'll never have: a soul!
Bender: Meh.
Conan O'Brien's Head: And freckles! [Bender bursts into tears]
Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes: A true inspiration for the children.
Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
Bender: Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that's funny.
Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.
Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass!
Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!
Robot Santa: You dare bribe Santa!? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
[the Planet Express crew are relaxing at the ski lodge]
Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Prof. Farnsworth: What-mas?
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".
Fry: Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?
Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!
Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!
Prof. Farnsworth: [spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!
Amy: [singing] He knows when you are sleeping,
Prof. Farnsworth: [singing] He knows when you're on the can,
Leela: [singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] Oh,
Hermes: [singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,
Bender: [singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
Fry: [singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!
[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]
Prof. Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!

Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?

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Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.
Fry: "Sack"?
Amy: And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.
Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!
Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
Fry: Ah, futuristic!
Amy: [To Leela] Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.
Leela: Those poor 20th century women.
[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]
Prof. Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll!
Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?
Fry: Fatal.
Dr. Zoidberg: [To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.
Decapodian: See you at the frenzy, Doctor [He makes a gibberish noise].
Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? [The Decapodian runs off crying]
Zoidberg: [angrily] You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.
[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Fry: Hey, I can any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy.
[He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it.]
[Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]
Fry: Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
Dr. Zoidberg: [to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.
Fry: Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
Edna: Why yes! Thanks for noticing.
Dr. Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what?
Fry: Ask her how her day was.
Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know that?
Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!
Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...
[Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]
Fry: YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!
[after the "Frenzy" has finished]
Dr. Zoidberg: Now how am I going to get rid of my male jelly?
Fry: I'll lend you this. [Waves severed arm]

Lesser of Two Evils

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Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?
Bender: Shut up and get to the point!
Fry: My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier?
[Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding in the car with Fry behind the wheel. The car suddenly crashes and the airbags go off.]
Bender: Ugh... I think I got whiplash.
Leela: You can't have whiplash. You don't even have a neck.
Bender: I meant Ass-whiplash.
Fry: I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop.
[Everyone gets out of the car, and are shocked to see a robot that looks like Bender]
Flexo: Ugh... I think I got whiplash. [faints]
Fry: How's that robot I ran over?
Farnsworth: We did all we could...
Fry: You mean he's...?
Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.
[Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another. In his bedroom, Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around]
Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you
[Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.]
Farnsworth: Feast your eyes on this!
[Everyone gasps.]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?
Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Flexo outranks me?
Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!
Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?
Fry: I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again.
Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom?
Bender: I can explain: It's very valuable.
Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
Fry: Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked.

Put Your Head on my Shoulders

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Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!
Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."
Bender: She is well traveled... and I don't mean she travels a lot.
Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy.
Car Dealer: I understand. But it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.
Fry: I care! I care plenty! But I just don't know how to make them stop!
Car Dealer: One word: Thundercougarfalconbird.
Bender: Congratulations, Fry! You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she probably has got other characteristics...
Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!
[Zoidberg raises one of his mouth mandibles to protest.]
Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.
[Zoidberg drops his mouth mandible and slumps sadly.]
Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's!
Zapp Brannigan: Cheers!
"Woman": [with five o'clock shadow] Cheers!
[Later]
Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley?
[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]
Zapp Brannigan: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.
Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I -
[cut to a judge banging his gavel]
Judge: $500 and time served.
Bender: [with a gold tooth] Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man!
Fembot: Bender, honey, we love you.
Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!
Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?
Amy: What business is it of yours?
Fry: And another thing: You're using an awful lot of make-up there.
Amy: This is deodorant.
Fry: What does it do?
Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women!
Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman.
Fry: Oh! Oh...
Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Prof. Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people.
Bender: Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.
Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.
Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?
Leela: No, you didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!
Bender: True. But, in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?
Leela: Yeah.
Fry: I guess so.

Raging Bender

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Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
George Foreman: As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.
Rich Little (impersonating Howard Cosell): No argument here.
George Foreman: This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth!
Hermes: [With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.
Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.
[After finding out that Master Fnog is the trainer of Destructor]
Leela: Come on, Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a girl.
Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu...
Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
Zoidberg: I'm going to a movie...with friends!
Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces-Processor.
Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy!
Bender: It is?
Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.
Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely.
Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender!
[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone.]
Bender: [girly voice] I'm a real toughie!
Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!
[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone]
Destructor: I will destroy you! [He hangs up then picks up again.] And stop calling me!
Bender: [Getting beaten up by Destructor] Thrown in the towel Fry. [Fry stands there] For God sake, Fry!
Fry: [Turns to reveal a brain-slug on his head] Errrrrr...
Hermes: [With a brain-slug attached] That's exactly what I was thinking.

A Bicyclops Built For Two

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Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.
Prof. Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself.
Leela: [She sniffs her glove.] They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey.
Prof. Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go.
[The gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet!
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!
[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]
Amy Wong: Hey! That's me!
Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
[Leela looks inside]
Leela: Hey!
[Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]
Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.
Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.
[He hands Bender the money.]
Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?
Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Bender: [sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian?
Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.
Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.
Fry: Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?
Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell in the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
Leela: Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out?
Alcazar: Geez, Leela! Twice in one day? I'm not Superman!
Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
Fry: Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo.
Leela: Animals go on the corner.
Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
Bender: [singing] I like stealing, I like taking things.
Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?
Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela!
Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?
Bender: He's a saint!
Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you.
Alcazar: What's that?
Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?
Everyone: WOOOOO!

A Clone of My Own

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Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius' wiener before?

(Others mumble negatively)

Fry: Well, once in the park...
Prof. Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about!
Cubert Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about!
Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.
Cubert: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load!
Cubert: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait...that's not good news at all!
Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?
Fry: Because you're too ugly to be a wart.
Prof. Farnsworth: [Is showing Cubert some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
Cubert: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Translator Machine: Bonjour!
Prof. Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!
Prof. Farnsworth: [being escorted away by a Sunset Squad robot] Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp! Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. [the robot groans] Cruel though they may be, I-- [the rather fed-up robot abruptly picks up Farnsworth and carries him away.]
Leela: They've blown out one of the engines!
Fry: [fast] Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it! Fix it, fix it, fix it!
Leela: Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up.
[She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry blasts him with an air horn and Bender empties a chest cabinet full of water over him]
Fry: Try shocking him!
Bender: Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!
Fry: Damn it, we'll have to fix the engine ourself.

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back

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Hermes: [a letter comes in on the mail tube] Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy." [Another letter comes in] Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
[Hermes is threatening to jump off the Planet Express building.]
Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!
Bender: Do a flip!
Professor Farnsworth: Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know!
Leela: Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for!
Bender: I get it: reverse psychology.
Number 1.0: Don't quote regulation to me! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation is in. We kept it gray.
Number 1.0: Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!
Morgan Proctor: Naturally I have to assign someone to fill in for Hermes while he's gone. I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard.
Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this cap?
Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.
Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?
Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
Fry: I'll play.
Bender: I'm in!
Hermes: Sweet something of... someplace.
Prof. Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.
Prof. Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.
Leela: Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before.
Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. [laughs maniacally]
Hermes: [Spoken] Requisition me a beat!
[Number 1.0 plays some music]
Hermes: [Singing]
When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,
With a foot and a half of water,
Everyone was alright but I cried all night,
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,
And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,
Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"
I made my friends and relations file long applications,
To get into my 10th birthday party.
LaBarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.
Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
LaBarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People!
We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
No, that's what almighty Jah made us,
We treat people like swine,
And make 'em stand in line,
Even if nobody paid us!
They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,
But when push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea.
Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.
Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.
Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]
All: Jamaica!
Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!
Bureaucrats: Jamaica!
Hermes: The grade 19's!
Morgan Proctor: Jamaica.
[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]
Hermes: Sing me home!
When push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea!
[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]
Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

The Deep South

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Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived!
Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
Hermes: Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies!
Prof. Farnsworth: Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate.
Bender: So we're in international waters?
Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed so.
Bender: [on walkie-talkie] Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested.
[A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]
Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.
[Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]
Fry: I can't swallow that.
Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
Bender: Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.
[Whilst underwater]
Zoidberg: Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question...
Bender: Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!
Hermes: ...That just raises further questions!!
[Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]
Leela: You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon.
Bender: Harpoon my ass. [snickers]
Leela: Okay. [Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]
Hermes: My Manwich!
Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic! There are rules for situations like this! Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice Lobster Zoidberg. I mean, Lobster Newburg. I mean - Doctor Zoidberg.
Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg!
Prof. Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...
Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.
Leela: [whispers to Farnsworth] Ocean madness.
[Fry storms out]
Prof. Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.
Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog. [he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water] Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress.
Leela': Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends...
Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks.
[they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]
Bender: Now, wasn't that interesting?
Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, that they moved offshore, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. Until the city overdeveloped, and began to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the man who invented Coca Cola, the magician, and the other gods of our legends. Though gods they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - the others chose to stay behind in their porches with their rifles, and in time evolved into mermaids, and sing and dance, and ring in the new...
Prof. Farnsworth: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Prof. Farnsworth: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere between zero and one.

Bender Gets Made

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Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!
Don-Bot: File not found.
Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. (gives Joey and Clamps each a tank of gasoline) Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
Bender: (With Brooklyn Accent) Uh, Donnie, baby. Youse guys skedaddle. Let me handle the doity wok.
Don-bot: Blotto, I like your style, and your latest accent.
Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one!
Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.
Dr. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.
[The ship takes off, damaging the roof.]
Hermes: [to Zoidberg] That's coming out of your pay!
[Zoidberg cries.]
Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen! Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?

Mother's Day

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Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!
Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!
Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
Greeting Card: No! The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!
Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!
Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
Prof. Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
Hermes: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!
Amy: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?
Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.
Hermes: Impossible!
Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.
Leela: Never heard of it.
Prof. Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."
Hermes: Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?
Prof. Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
Prof. Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!
Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! - Walt! How are we disposing of those crap gifts they brought me?
Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.
Mom: False hope! I love it!
Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.
Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.
Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers.
Prof. Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter?
Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models.
Prof. Farnsworth: 16 feet?! Go to hell!

The Problem With Popplers

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Leela: Great, we're two days from Earth with no food!
Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser! [To Leela.] Work his gut, I like it tender.
Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having it!
Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.
Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.
Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.
Poppler Song:
Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's
What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows
You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em
If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.
Professor Farnsworth: Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!
Free Waterfall Jr.: Pssh! You can't own property, man!
Professor Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!
Free Waterfall Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
[Bender throws a brick at him]
Free Waterfall Jr.: Ow!
Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.
Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.
Linda: Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.
Fry: "Turanga"?
Amy: That's her name, Philip.
Bender: "Philip"?
Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!
Amy: Doomed!
Bender: [Deep inhale] DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....
Zapp Brannigan: I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.
Leela: Go consummate yourself.
Bender: Who wants some dolphin?
Amy: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent!
Bender: Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets.

Anthology of Interest I

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Bender: [holding his hand out to Fry] Put 'er there, pal. [Fry shakes his hand] I meant, your wallet.
Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?
[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
Fry: Gotcha!
Amy: Sucker!
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me!
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.
Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I. [closes his eyes and dies]
Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!
Leela: Oh God, what have I done?
Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!
Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!
Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word; I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool.
Leela: Who are you?
Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Leela: I've never seen you before.
Scruffy: And I've never seen you before neither.
Zoidberg: My first clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came 3 hours later at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse!
Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?
Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever.
[Fry and the group of nerds find themselves nowhere after destroying the universe]
Stephen Hawking: Great. The universe was destroyed.
Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?
Al Gore: I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not: the universe.
Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.

War Is the H-Word

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Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!
Henry Kissinger's Head: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
Zapp Brannigan: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?
Kif: Ugh... sexlexia.
Zapp Brannigan: Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks.
Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]
Fry: [To Bender] Wait, If you say the A-word, this planet will blow straight up to the H-word.
Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?
Bender: Is he any good?
Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.
Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
Zapp Brannigan: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?
Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.
Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being your assistant.
Zapp Brannigan: Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Leela: Let's do it again sometime.
Fry: [On a bouncing ball.] At last, war has made me into a man... Wee!

The Honking

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Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.
Prof. Farnsworth: Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo!
Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.
Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.
Tandy: [whispers to girlfriend] Is that a lot?
Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!
[The Professor moves his drink in front of the painting. The painting's eyes follow it]
Prof. Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...
Prof. Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.
Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!
Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.
Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you think I put on this tough guy facade?
Bender: And until then, I can never die?
Gypsy-Bot: Who said that? SURE you can die! [Pulls out big gun.] You want to die?!
Bender: No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own!
[Leela welds Bender to the wall of his apartment.]
Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.
Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.
Leela: Well, good night. I'm gonna make all my meals for the next month and freeze them.
Fry: [upon seeing Bender in his were-car form about to kill Leela.] You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two timing killmobile are you?
Fry: I can’t believe this. Bender’s supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn’t even try to second degree murder me.
Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.
Fry: Stop rubbing it in!
Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!
Fry: Knightrider wasn't evil!
Calculon: No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...

The Cryonic Woman

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Michelle: Fry? Is it really you?
Fry: I don’t know. Is it really you?
Michelle: What do you mean you don’t know? Are you you or not?
Fry: Who wants to know?
Michelle: Oh Fry, it is you!
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?
Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.
Amy: I'm from Mars.
Leela: We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.
Fry: Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
Fry: What's deathrolling?
Black Child: It's like skateboarding.
Punk Kid: But half the time someone dies.
Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.
Michelle: My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong.
Fry: Beth said that?
Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.
Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.
Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!
Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!
Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!
Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.
edit
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