Futurama/Season 8

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Futurama is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. In the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends at the Planet Express delivery company.

The Impossible Stream [8.01]

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry, don't be the idiot you are.

Humorobot 5.0: What is the deal with non-binary robots? [The audience of personal computers doesn't appreciate the joke] Wow, PC crowd.

[Fry has pledged to watch every season of every TV show ever made]
Philip J. Fry: Well, my butt's numb and my remote hand is dead, but all I have left is the final season of All My Circuits.
Bender: Which final season? They've been cancelled, like, three or four times.
Amy Wong: Pfft, Loserama.

Professor Farnsworth: If you don't crank out new episodes quickly, Fry will be dead by lunch!... I'm having ham salad.
Leela: But this is impossible. To keep him from running out, we'll need to produce an hour-long episode every hour. Nonstop. Forever!
Professor Farnsworth: If Law & Order can do it, so can you.

Calculon: I'm the spokesman for fast acting.
Bender: You're the spokesman for fast-acting hemorrhoid cream.
Calculon: Your point?
Bender: I have none.

Calculon: It's those damned lazy writers! They can't even manage to write an hour-long episode every 15 minutes.
Script writer: I died doing what I hated. [dies]
Leela: Can't you just ad lib?
Calculon: Asking an actor to ad lib is like asking a... guy... to... five.

Richard Nixon's head: Now, Mr. Fry, I understand that you recently endured a terrible ordeal involving doing something stupid with streaming television.
Fry: That's right, your majesty.
Richard Nixon's head: And what lesson, if any, did you learn?
Fry: Well, first, I guess, don't reboot a show if the quality isn't going to be there. But more importantly, let me say this: viewers must binge responsibly - the same way they smoke cigarettes, or drink bleach. In my opinion, they must stream no more than 10 episodes in a row... and no less. But it's not just the viewer's responsibility. Any TV show that truly cares about its audience, that loves and respects them, should - no, must - be cancelled every few years. It's simply the right thing to do.

Children of a Lesser Bog [8.02]

Bender: [while watching Kif's birthing video] Life is disgusting.

Amy: [to Kif] Having a family with you is the only I want in the whole world.
Bender: Then, can I have your car?
Amy: No!
Bender: Too late, already crashed it.

Professor Farnsworth: Luckily, there's an educational movie that explains how Kif's species reproduces... and it's filthy!

Grand Midwife: The children inherited genes only from Kif and Leela. Plus, trace DNA from a certain, "Scruffy".
Scruffy: Scruffy's stuff gets around.

Zapp Brannigan: I refuse to die grovelling. But I'm open to sniveling.

How the West Was 1010001 [8.03]

Fry: You know, 'round these parts, folks don't think things, they reckon them. And, instead of an idiot, I'll be known as a galoot.

Robot Pianist: Delilah runs a house of ill repute in the back.
Fry: "Ill"? You mean, a hospital?
Robot Pianist: I mean a cathouse.
Fry: A pet store?
Robot Pianist: A brothel.
Fry: A soup kitchen?
Robot Pianist: [sighs] Yeah, a soup kitchen.

Bender: Assay my shiny metal ass!

[Bender brings his injured donkey to Zoidberg]
Bender: Can you save him, Doc?
Dr. Zoidberg: If it's something that be cured by a bonesaw. I'll need anaesthetic. Get me a bottle of animal whiskey!

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, nature! I hate it.

Parasites Regained [8.04]

Leela: Nibbler! You can talk!
Nibbler: You always forget I can talk.
Leela: [pause] Nibbler! You can talk!

Dung Beetle Shaman: Can I offer anyone some spit? We have flat and sparkling.
Zoidberg: I'll have two of each.

Dung Beetle Shaman: Your journey will be treacherous, for nearly all paths end in death.
Bender: Then let's just take the shortest one.

The Lord Mayor of Colon: Worms, form a defensive squiggle!

Nibbler: Alas, my mind has already degenerated to the point where I can no longer predict the ending of an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Bender: Fry and me, we used to have everything. Cabbage fights. Everything. But now I'm like a third wheel on a tricycle that used to have two wheels!
Leela: That's a bicycle.
Bender: You're a bicycle!

Hermes: Yes, yes... The company deeply cares about your insert problem here.

Mom: This is a smart home assistant: always listening, always watching. But also respecting your privacy. Because privacy comes first. We call it Invasa.

Bender: Wow, robots. Cool!
Mom: Yes. They're much better than unions. I-I mean humans.

Mom: All of the robots work twenty-four hours a day. Seven days a week. With bonuses for overtime!

Mom: Daily business report. Go!
Walt: According to the Department of Commerce, we've driven 10,000 small companies out of business. And the Department of Commerce also went out of business.
Larry: Um, we introduced the Momazon Primo service, where people pay a fortune for free shipping, and also get TV shows for some reason.
Igner: We make TV shows across the quality spectrum.

Hermes: How strange. I could have sworn we had an odd number of moons.
Morbo: Aside from devastating tidal waves caused by the two full moons, we also have some very confused werewolves.

Professor Farnsworth: The warehouse is expanding beyond the sun! Mars! Jupiter!
Fry: The one with the onion rings!

I Know What You Did Next Xmas [8.06]

Amy: I'm sorry, kids. I never wanted you to know Santa was real.

Amy: Um, Professor, isn't it risky to go back in time and change history?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh my, yes. But I'll go alone to minimize the chance of anyone becoming their own grandfather.
Fry: These things happen.
Leela: No, they don't!

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, here comes the Big Backwards Bang. Ow! I'm being crushed by all the matter that ever was!

Hermes: Now, hold on. Xmas isn't for a week. Until then, we've got non-stop busy work.
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Let's stop pretending we do anything around here. Everyone, take the week off and be with your so-called loved ones!
Amy: Really?
Hermes: I forgot I had loved ones!
Leela: It's a Human Resources miracle!

Kif: Behold, my family's traditional Yuletide feast - TurDolfin! It's fresh turtle cooked inside a fermented dolphin!
Leo: Wow, soon it's gonna be barf inside a vomit!
Amy: Dad! Sssh! Keep the truth to yourself!
Inez: Which part smells like whale butt?
Kif: Oh, that would be the gravy!

Fry: [to Bender and Zoidberg] Merry Xmas, you guys!
Amy: We didn't know you hadn't been invited anywhere.
Hermes: We came as soon as we realized what losers you are!

Rage Against The Vaccine [8.07]

Bill Nye the Science Guy's head: I'm using the principles of aerodynamics to get the hell out of here!

Amy: You know, I heard there's not really even a virus at all. It's just a big hoax, like the moon landing.
Professor Farnsworth: You were on the moon last week! You grew up on Mars!
Amy: That's what they want you to think!

Linda: According to an anonymous Internet post, your anti-anger virus vaccine causes sterility. Care to comment?
Professor Wernstrom: The sterility is essential. Studies show that kids are what make people angriest. Everyone hates kids!

Hermes: Hello, madame, is the Voodoo HQ?
Robot Gypsy: You do voodoo?
Hermes: You misconstrue. Who do voodoo at the HQ?
Robot Gypsy: I'll tell you.

Professor Farnsworth: Hermes, my friend. I owe you an apology for being so anti-voodoo. It may seem bat-whack crazy to a layman, but I see now that voodoo methods are built on centuries of brilliant scholarship.
Hermes: It's okay, Professor. And it's understandable. After all, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science.

Zapp Gets Canceled [8.08]

Zapp: Ah-ha! Water! Fire's mortal enemy! Lieutenant, fire water.

Zapp: Well, no worries. I can end this battle with two words. "We surrender."
Alien: Sign this certificate of defeat, so I can show my mom.

Kiff: I'm through putting up with your... crap! I'm filing a formal complaint!
Zapp: It's pronounced compliment.

Leela: Thanks, everybody. It's a dream come true. A recurring dream. That I can't wake up from.

Glab: Have you been to space, Leela? Not a lotta air out there, and what we do have is, like, 50% burp.

Dr. Kind: What a wimp! Captains need to be ruthless. Women belong in the kitchen, fixing me a sweet durian pie.
Zapp: That's an offensive stereotype. Leela's terrible at baking.

Professor: Ah, what a beautiful night for smell-gazing. [sniffing, retches]

Glab: Captain Leela, having heroically secured our supply of space air, I present you the DOOP's highest honor, the Medal of Valor.
Zapp: It's pronounced velour.

The Prince and the Product [8.09]

Fry: Leela, where were you? It's been, like, 30 minutes.
Leela: I was falling in love with the Prince of Space. We're getting married! I know this is very sudden, Fry. I'll always remember the times we had that I haven't already forgotten.

Narrator: Futurama is brought to you by... Windos! The toy so fun, it makes fun look like boredom!

Fry: I've had a full life. I eat-ed. I prayed. I loved-ed. I'm at peace.
Bender: At peace? At peace?! You selfish jerk! You're my best friend! Promise you won't leave me!

Fry: Wha... What happened? Am I alive?
Professor Farnsworth: If you were dead, how could you ask such a dumb question? You're as alive and stupid as ever!

Fry: Are you the guru of the mountain?
Magda the Gypsybot: For a quarter, I'm a guru. For a nickel, you get a sticker that says you climbed the mountain.

All the Way Down [8.10]

Hermes: So, do those people in the casserole know they're in a simulation, or do they think that they're real?
Professor Farnsworth: Of course, they think they're real. To them, the rules of my software are just their laws of physics.
Amy: But, we think we're real. Couldn't our universe also be a simulation?
Professor Farnsworth: Absolutely not! No chance. The very idea is preposterous!
Hermes: How can you be so sure?
Professor Farnsworth: Because it's computationally impossible! For example, every atom in the universe is affected whenever one little thing moves.
Bender: Like my ass? Oh yeah!
Professor Farnsworth: That's a perfect example, Bender, and some pretty decent twerking. My software can't possibly compute the gravitational changes between Bender's ass and every other particle, so I had to have the information travel outward gradually, at a fixed speed.
Amy: Like the speed of light in our universe?
Professor Farnsworth: Right! Oh, fuff. That's just a coincidence. I had to cut other corners, too. I mean, my simulation doesn't even keep track of exactly where everything is. [...] Another convenient example. My lazy software wouldn't even decide which cup the ball's in until someone actually looked at it. Until then, it's just sort of in both.
Amy: So your programming shortcut is like quantum mechanics in our world?
Professor Farnsworth: Exactly like that! Hm, interesting. I guess what I'm trying to say is our universe is probably also a simulation.
Hermes: But that's the exact opposite of what you said one minute ago!
Professor Farnsworth: New evidence was presented and I changed my mind. I'm a scientist, not a...
Bender: Idiot?
Professor Farnsworth: ...politician.

Simulated Amy: Professor, if you can make a whole simulated universe, isn't it possible that our own universe is also a simulation?
Simulated Professor: Absolutely not! You sound like a stoned freshman!
Simulated Amy: I mean, what if our laws of physics are just the computer code of some big brilliant professor playing god up there?
Professor: Nailed it!
Simulated Professor: Hm. Quantum mechanics is pretty ridiculous, but it's a moot point. Even if we are living in a simulation, there's no possible way of knowing. [...]
Simulated Amy: If our universe is a simulation, then it's running on some kind of computer, right? [...] Suppose we made something happen that was impossible for that big computer to simulate.
Simulated Professor: It would overload! [...]
Simulated Amy: Probably stuff would pixelate and look weird!
Simulated Professor: The laws of physics would fail!
Simulated Fry: Like playing a new video game on a crummy underpowered game system!

Simulated Leela: Honestly. I wanna know if I'm not living in a simulation, but not if I am. Does that make sense?

Simulated Professor: We're about to find out if we're living in a simulation! [...]
Simulated Fry: I think it makes no difference at all. Either way, the laws of the universe are way beyond our control. So, what can we do? We just make the best of it.