Drake & Josh/Season 3

season of television series

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.


The Drake & Josh InnEdit

[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]
Megan: What?
Drake: [singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
Josh: [singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Drake: [singing] Ha ha!
Josh: [singing] Ha-ha ha haa!
Megan: Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
Drake: We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
Josh: Which means we are in charge of the house.
Drake: The refrigerator.
Josh: The TV set.
Drake: And, the you.
Megan: Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
Josh: Yeah, we are.
Drake: In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
Megan: I was watching something.
Josh: Um. We're.
Drake: Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
Megan: [stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
Drake: [stands up] I don't think so Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him]
Josh: [stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]

[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
Nikki: Hey, what's going on?
College Guy: The tools back up.
Drake: Everyone quiet please!
Josh: Okay we have an emergency!
Drake: Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
College Guy: Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
Josh: No! Alright there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Drake: Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
Josh: So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
Helen: I don't believe 'em!
Nikki: Yeah! Come on let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
Drake: [to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
Megan: [in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]
Josh: Oh no! Look! [points to the vent]
Drake: It's the monoxipuff gas!
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas]
Josh: Now, lock it! Now hug me brother! [he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]

Peruvian Puff PepperEdit

Drake: Sometimes when you plan to do one thing, something totally different happens.
Josh: Once I planned to ride my bike to the mall, I hit a bus.
Drake: Oh, oh, and there was this one time I planned a surprise birthday party for Josh.
Josh: And I'll never forget the surprise party Drake planned for my birthday.
Drake: When he walked in, we all yelled, "Surprise!"
Josh: I just wasn't expecting to be surprised by all those people in our room.
Drake: Josh was so shocked, he threw a punch and nailed our Aunt Barbara right in the jaw.
Josh: I punched my Aunt Barbara, uh, but it was an accident.
Drake: When she woke up, she was so mad, she took the present she bought for Josh, and ran over it in our driveway.
Josh: And then she ran over my new cell phone, with her truck.
Drake: The whole thing was pretty hysterical.
Josh: The whole thing was pretty disturbing.
Drake: The point is.
Josh: The point is.
Drake: Whenever you plan something.
Josh: If you're gonna punch your aunt in the face.
Drake: Don't be surprised if things take an unexpected twist.
Josh: She just might run over your new cell phone!
Drake: Yup.
Josh: Yeah.

[Drake and Josh are at Megan's room]
Drake: Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
Josh: [hears electrical blurb] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
Drake: So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]
Josh: So that's why that's been happening! [pause] I thought it was puberty.

We're MarriedEdit

Josh: [while on the phone] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 9 days, you could walk around with sticky-butt!
Josh: Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man, if he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go into the kitchen and get himself [looks over at Drake holding a can of Coca Cola] Oh, geez.

Crazy Steve: [to Josh] Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down, talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, [screams] SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT OR SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!
Josh: [to Drake and Yooka] So, I'm gonna see Ick Glokmah.

Mindy's BackEdit

Drake: Hey! Get your hands off my sister's shoulder. I don't want her clothes infested with Mindy germs.
Mindy: Wow, Drake. I'm just impressed you knew the word "infested" and used it properly in a sentence.
Drake: Let's go, Megan. To burn your shirt.

Mindy: Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?
Josh: Oh yeah?
Mindy: Yeah. Say fort.
Josh: Fort.
Mindy: Say fort three times.
Josh: Fort, fort, fort.
Mindy: Spell it twice.
Josh: F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
Mindy: Say it two more times.
Josh: Fort, fort.
Mindy: Now, what do you eat soup with?
Josh: With a fork! Ha!
Mindy: Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
Drake: Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
Josh: [screaming] I KNOW!

The AffairEdit

Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
Josh: I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Drake: What's the difference?
Josh: Everything! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Drake: Oh, So I made a little mistake.
Josh: A HUGE mistake. All right, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably dying right now. DAD!!!

Josh: [to Megan] How do you know that?
Megan: I read Dad's e-mail.
Josh: How'd you get his password?
Megan: It wasn't that hard. His password is "Password".
Drake: Oh, THAT is dumb!
Megan: It's a new kind of dumb.
Josh: Yeah, it is. [walks over to his computer]
Drake: Going to change your password?
Josh: Maybe.

Playing the FieldEdit

Josh: There are more important things in life than kissing girls.
Drake: Name two.
Josh: I can't!

Drake: Tori.
Josh: [in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Drake: Okay, I can't going do this if he's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
Josh: [angrily] That tears it!

Helen's SurgeryEdit

Drake: Not just any candy. These are Super Power Mega Sours. The hottest and the sourest candy in the galaxy. [takes out one] And there it is.
Josh: Pretty big day for you isn't it?
Drake: The biggest! [puts the candy in his mouth]
Josh: So how is it?
Drake: It's pretty sour and it's pretty hot, I just expected it to be more. [makes sour face] OH MY GOD! OH it hurts! Oh my tongue! [runs in circles around kitchen]
Josh: So spit it out!
Drake: No! I wuv it!

Drake: [while wandering around the room] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars.
Josh: Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Helen: Is that some of your business?
Drake: How do you afford it?
Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Josh: Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Helen: That's the one.
Drake: Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Helen: Yes, I was little Georgia.
Drake: Awesome.
Josh: So cool.
Helen: Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch the episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me take self again.
Josh: Alright.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Helen: Just put it on auxiliary one and press play.
Josh: Auxiliary one and play.

Paging Dr. DrakeEdit

[Walter, Audrey, Megan, and Josh yells at Josh's badly injured left foot]
Drake: Looks like mom's meatloaf! Which tastes SO good!
Audrey: How this happened?
Drake: He dropped a barbell on it.
Josh: Yeah, after you shot me with a potato!
Audrey: A potato?
Drake: It's a long story.
Walter: Why didn't you tell us about this?
Josh: 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, all right?
Walter: Oh, come on!
Audrey: Do you know how serious this could be?
Walter: [after discovering Josh's foot] YOU COULD LOSE THAT FOOT!
Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!
Audrey: Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
Megan: If they have to remove this foot, can I have it?
Walter and Audrey: NO!

Walter: Pardon me, nurse.
Nurse: Yes?
Walter: Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
Walter: What?
Nurse: Oh, wait. Josh Nichols. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
Walter: Thanks.
Nurse: Sure. [she walks away]

Foam FingerEdit

[in Josh's recollection]
Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Little Drake: Um, could you not talk to me?
Little Josh: Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
Little Drake: If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
Little Josh: Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
Little Drake: Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]
Little Josh: Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!
Little Drake: Got any foam fingers left?
Lenny: Just one.
Little Drake: Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
Little Josh: Heh!?
Lenny: Here you go, the last foam finger.
Little Drake: Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
Little Josh: Daddy! [little Drake hits him] You thumped me!
Little Drake: Did not.
Little Josh: Daddy!
[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]
Lenny: Cops! Cops!
[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]
Josh: And then the cops had to come break it up!

[in Lenny's recollection]
Little Josh: Hey.
Little Drake: Hey.
Little Josh: I'm Josh.
Little Drake: Drake.
Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Little Drake: Me too.
Little Josh: Cool.
Lenny: Next in line.
Little Josh: Hey, you're up.
[two little girls walk up behind the boys]
Little Girl: Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
Little Drake: Cool with you?
Little Josh: Sure.
Little Drake: Go ahead.
Little Josh: You know, my dad's a weatherman.
Little Drake: My mom loves weathermen.
Little Girl: Thanks. Bye. [She and the other little girl leave]
Little Drake: One foam finger, please.
Lenny: O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.
Little Josh: Aw, that's the last foam finger?
Little Drake: I'm really sorry.
Little Josh: Daddy! [little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head] Aaah! You thumped me.
Little Drake: No, I didn't.
[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]
Lenny: Cops! Cops!
[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]
Josh: So... it was Megan who started the fight.
Lenny: That's right. She threw the cookie.
Megan: Wow. I was even cool then!

Girl PowerEdit

Drake: I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
Lucy: Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
Drake: Cool with what?
Lucy: Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
Drake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
Lucy: [laughing] Okay, whatever you say.

Josh: [furious] You see what you do? One night. One night I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
Drake: Josh.
Josh: [furious] I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I spent like two days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
Drake: You spent $100 on ice? [Josh attacks him]

Sheep ThrillsEdit

Josh: Where did you get sheep named Bob?
Megan: His name isn't Bob, it's Baaab!
Drake: Did you heard that? His name isn't Bob, it's Baaaab. [Josh stares at him]
Josh: I have ears.

Dr. Glazer: Yes, well. I am not a vet, but if you want my diagnosis, I'd say that Baaab was pregnant. Was. Pregnant. Not anymore. That's $100.
Megan: Aww, look at the baby! Aww.
Drake: All right, we'll pay you 100 bucks, but can you do us a favor and-
Josh: Not mention this to our parents?
Dr. Glazer: Fine. 150. [Drake and Josh give him their money and heads out] Thank you.

Megan's New TeacherEdit

Adam: [while having a college textbook on his desk] This is a college textbook!
Josh: I know
Megan: Yo, boob.
Josh: Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
Megan: Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
[the kids mumble]
Josh: Sh! All right, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.
Boy: Kevin's eating glue!
Josh: [takes the glue away from Kevin] Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!?
[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]

Josh: [with German accent] All right, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
Katie: A hobo?
Josh: No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
Neil: Harry Potter.
Josh: No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.
Adam: A hobo!
Josh: [in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
Megan: I told you, we weren't doing it.
Josh: Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
Katie: I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
Josh: And?
Katie: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

Little SiblingEdit

Becca: Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
Mrs. Hayfer: What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!
Josh: What are the lunch ladies fighting about?
Becca: They're not really.
Josh: Then why'd you tell her they were?
Drake: [walks in] Thank you, Becca.

Drake: Ah, there's a 5, a 8 and a 9 1/2! What do you think?
Sammy: No, they're way older than that.
Drake: Not the ages, we are grading the hot they are. Sammy, guess who just walked in. A 7, a 9 and two 10's!
Sammy: Ah, who cares about girls?
Drake: HUH?! Sammy, don't ever say that!

Theater ThugEdit

[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]
Megan: I so don't want to do this!
Josh: Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes!
Drake: What are you guys doing?
Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
Drake: [to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
Josh: I just want to be good, alright?
Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?
Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!
Josh: Drake, yell action!
Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!
Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!
Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
Megan: There's a cop behind you.
Josh: [turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind...
[Drake and Megan laugh]

Josh: Drake, what are you doing here?
Drake: You told me you'll need a ride.
Josh: Yeah, but at 6 pm. And now is like 4 pm.
Drake: So take the bus.
Josh: No, Drake. Please, wait here for me.
Drake: What am I gonna do during 2 hours in a movie theater?
Josh: [sarcastic] Uh, I don't know?
Drake: Hey, I could see a movie.
Josh: Genius!
Drake: I want to see The Eye of the Mummy. But with someone.
Josh: Drake, the movie starts at 4:10. You just have 2 minutes left. You really think you can find someone?
Drake: Watch me. [he is going to meet with Hazel] Hey, I'm Drake.
Hazel: Hi.
Drake: You wanna see a movie with me?
Hazel: Sure. [she and Drake head together to see the movie]
Drake: So, what's your name?
Hazel: Hazel.
Drake: Oh, like the nut.
Hazel: Yeah.

The DemonatorEdit

[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
Josh: Hi, parents.
Drake: Bye, parents.
Walter: [stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
Drake: Uh, to make history.
Josh: We're going to ride The Demonator.
Audrey: No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Drake: Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Josh: Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Walter: Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Josh: Sure we can.
Drake: Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
Walter: The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Drake: Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
Josh: The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Audrey: Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Josh: Yes.
Drake: Fine.

[Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]
Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
Papa Nichols: [wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?
Eric: He's disoriented.
Papa Nichols: What did you call me?
Eric: Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...
Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?
Craig: What does he mean, his unit?
[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]
Eric: I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!
Eric: Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say!
Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...
Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!
Craig: Eric!
Papa Nichols: [mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!
[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]

Alien InvasionEdit

[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]
Josh: Hey! Hey!
Drake: Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
Drake: [takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. [Josh brakes his pencil] And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.
Josh: Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
Drake: My homework's already been taken care of. [gives his note to Josh]
Josh: [reading Drake fake doctor's note] Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
Drake: Wrote it myself!
Josh: Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
Drake: Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah?
Josh: Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
Drake: Cool!

Josh: Hey, she out there?
Drake: Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
Josh: Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
Drake: Mmm, ham radio.
Josh: Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
Drake: Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. [Josh takes the mic]
Josh: We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
Drake: You know there's a way to correct people nicely.

Dr. Phyllis ShowEdit

Josh: But not just me, he takes advantage of everyone.
Drake: Oh, name one time.
Josh: Okay, uhh. That girl Liza.
Drake: Hot Liza?
Josh: Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
Drake: That's an exasperation!
Josh: Exaggeration, read a book would ya!
Drake: No!
Dr. Phyllis: Drake, tell me more about this hot Liza.

Drake: Let me tell ya, Liza Tuffer, worst kisser ever!
Josh: I have heard that.
Dr. Phyllis: Liza Tuffer?
Drake: Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!
Dr. Phyllis: You're saying she's dumb?
Drake: And a bad kisser!
Dr. Phyllis: [anger rising] Liza Tuffer happens to be my daughter!

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