Drake & Josh


Josh: You're the best, you know that?
Drake: Well...yes.

Josh: [talking about a bird] They're one of the most intelligent--
[Bird runs into helicopter]
Pilot of Helicopter: Yeah, that bird was real intelligent.

Josh: [waiting for surgery] Oh, they're going to carve me up like a Christmas ham!

Walter: [talking to Josh] I just don't understand why you don't like hospitals?
[Doctor goes by with patient on gurney]
Doctor: We're losing him, we're losing him!!!
Nurse: What's wrong with him???
Doctor: I DON'T KNOW???
Josh: See ya!! (rolls away in wheelchair)

Megan: [referring to Josh] Such a small brain in such a big head.

Drake: You hear that? It's saying, [holds 2 $100 bills like a hand puppet] "Spend me, Josh. Won't you spend me?"
Josh: [steals it from him] Money's not a puppet!

Drake: Hey Josh, come here.
Josh: [walks over] Yeah?
Drake: Check out this family picture.
Josh: What about it?
Drake: I look good.

Botanist: I've got a big date tonight.
Megan: Dinner with your moma?
Botanist: ...Yes.

Helen: Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Josh: I needed to ask Drake about our homework.
Drake: I don't do homework.

Sammy: You can help me with my homework.
Drake: Yeah, I don't even do my own homework!

[Drake and Josh find monitors in Megan's room]
Drake: I wonder what this button does. [presses a button; Josh gets shocked by a buzzer hidden in his trousers]
Josh: So THAT'S why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.

Megan: See? It's fun to use your brain.

Josh: Have you ever been in Megan's room before?
Drake: Once, when she was five.
Josh: And?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and told Mom I fell.

Josh: [takes the phone from Megan and shoves it down his pants] Now, you may have the phone back after we're done talking to you.
Megan: I wouldn't want that phone back if I were dying on the kitchen floor.

Helen: Josh! Why aren't you working?!
Josh: It's my day off.
Helen: Oh, and so you think that's an excuse not to be working?!
Drake: Hi, Helen.
Helen: WHAT IS IT?!

Josh: You know I have a spastic tongue.
Drake: How many spastic parts can one person have?
Josh: Seven.

Josh: Look, we had $200, alright? ...Which you promptly threw away on bubblegum, a wristwatch, a telescope, and a Mexican robot!
Drake: Aw, come on, man, this is cool! [presses a button]
Robot: Me llamo Roberto Roboto.
Josh: Okay, that is pretty cool.
Robot: Gracias.

Drake: Josh, I'm in serious trouble!
Josh: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?

Drake: You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well, if not I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Josh: I'm not much of an actor.
Jeff: Neither is Jennifer Lopez.
Josh: True that.

Drake: What's acting? You show up, you say some stuff, you go home.

[Drake and Josh are frantically searching for Megan, thinking she's up to something]
Drake: See her anywhere?
Josh: No, but that's when she's most dangerous!

Helen: [to Josh] You have upset me in ways I can't even understand, boy!!

Mindy: You can't end a relationship with a phone call.
Drake: Duh, I'm gonna text message her.

Mindy:(Referring to Tori) You got jealous when you saw her with other guys, so to make her jealous, you...
Drake: Put a stinkbomb in her backpack!!!
Mindy: Do I have to spell this out for you?
Drake: Would you?
Drake: Right. Then, where do I put the bomb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to put it!
Josh: Mindy!

Megan: I'm studding astronomy.
Drake: Ah. The study of stars and planets.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yes. It's exciting to know things!

Drake: I wonder what ketchup would taste like on a foot.

Drake: [carrying a skeleton] Where do you want the dead dude?

Megan: [about Drake and Josh] I am going to do SUCH illegal things to them!

Josh: [seeing Drake kissing a girl] Drake?
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake: I gave her a soda.

Megan: So when are the lobsters gonna be done?
Drake: Yeah, I'm starving.
Josh: I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!

Megan: Listen to me. If either of you get on one of my nerves this weekend, you'll both wake up tomorrow very confused...in Cuba.

Megan: Wanna help me with something?
Drake: I can't, I'm doing my homework.
Megan: You're watching Big Bang Theory.
Drake: Oh, well that explains why I'm failing math, doesn't it?

Josh: [referring to Drake] He pees...near the toilet!

Josh: [on Helicopter] What kind of help are you going to bring back- a dive team to locate my corpse?

Josh: [to Drake]Why are you wearing that parachute?
Drake:To re-tard my fall!

Josh: Okay, I'll call Mom and Dad.
Drake: No!
Josh: Why not?!
Drake: 'Cause if they know I'm up in the helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded!
Josh: Okay, if we don't get help, we are gonna become PART of the ground!

Drake: I'm not going to risk getting grounded again. Do you know what it's like going two weeks without girls?
Josh: [shakily] ...Yes...Yes I do.
Drake: ...Oh, that's right. Sorry. But I'm not used to it.

[Megan asks Drake to help with aiming a paintball gun disguised as a radio that she supposedly was going to use on Josh. Drake stands right where Megan asks him to, but gets a whole clip of paintballs to the chest. Josh walks in.]
Josh: What just happened?
Drake: You said you were gonna get Josh!
Josh: Heh?

Drake & Josh Go HollywoodEdit

Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!

Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
Walter: That was just a movie.
Audrey: Based on a true story!
Walter: ...For real?

Josh: Where have you been?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you over an hour just to get one corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.

Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!

[after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]
Head of Security: I hope you boys learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned... Especially during that strip search.
Josh: ...Which was shockingly thorough.
Head of Security: We do our best. Have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks.

Megan: Excuse me? I think the pilot made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles?
Attendant: Yes.
Megan: ...Not Denver?
Attendant: No.
Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.
[The flight attendant looks down her shirt in confusion]

Drake: Okay, let's go and get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!

Josh: I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
Drake: It's not stolen.
Josh: STOLEN!!!!
Drake: We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reitable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by two maniacs.

Merry Christmas, Drake & JoshEdit

Judge: But! I have a but (butt)!
Drake: [chuckles] He said he had a butt.
Josh: Shut up.

Steve: The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator! I take special vitamins!

Little Boy: When is Santa going to be here?
Steve: Well, I don't know, but I'll bet you old Saint Nick's going to be here real soon.
Woman: Excuse me, I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like sh-

Drake: Yeah, positively.

(last scene of the series)
Drake: So?
Josh: So?
Drake: Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
Josh: It will be, after THIS! (throws snow at Drake)
Drake: I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
Josh: Bring it, Parker! (the two chase each other around)
Drake: santas not looking for a relationship right now
Fat girl: I want what that other girl was getting


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