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Drake & Josh/Season 2

season of television series
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main | Film: Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

The Bet

edit
[Megan comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]
Megan: Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO?
Drake: Oh, yeah. This is for you. [gives her an umbrella]
Audrey: Hi. [notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated] Drake. Josh.
Drake and Josh: Huh?
[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]
Drake: Hey!
[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's game]
Josh: [gasps] What up with THAT?
Audrey: 1 thing! I asked you guys to do 1 thing for me. Look at Megan! [the boys look at Megan]
Josh: She's wet. [Audrey groans in annoyance]
Megan: Everyone can see I'm wet, you boob.
Audrey: You were too busy to go get your sister. But you weren't too busy to play video games all day...
Drake: Josh...!
Audrey:...Or to sit around, swallowing 20 pounds of junk food.
Josh: Drake...!
Megan: I keep telling you they're bad people!
Audrey: Well, you have anything to say for yourselves?
Drake: Well, mmm... you see, I view this whole incident as a learning experience.
Audrey: Ugh! Upstairs, both of you. You're grounded tonight.
Drake: But it's Saturday night!
Josh: I'm supposed to meet Brian Horowitz at the magic palace!
Audrey: Go apologize to your sister, and then, both of you, upstairs.
Drake and Josh: [sigh; walk to Megan] Sorry. [Megan shakes her wet head all over them]
[Drake and Josh are in their room when they both got grounded by their mom]
Drake: You do realize this is your fault.
Josh: No, I do not realize that!
Drake: You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
Josh: Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!
Drake: Well, how sad.
Josh: Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
Drake: [throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh] “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!”
Josh: [stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake] “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]
Drake: Which you're allergic to. [Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs] Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
Josh: Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes.
Drake: [throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head] Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
Josh: I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
Drake: Oh, really? [sniffs] You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
Josh: No, I smell [sniffs] you losing a bet!
Drake: Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
Josh: Okay, what happens when you lose?!
Drake: When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
Josh: Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
Drake: So we're starting right now?
Josh: Yeah, we're starting right now! [they tried to start but they changed their minds] Or we could start in the morning.
Drake: Morning works.
[Dr. Glazer is looking at Drake's rash]
Dr. Glazer: Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.
Josh: Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?
Audrey: Is that really possible?
Dr. Glazer: Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]
Walter: Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.
Dr. Glazer: Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]
Walter: $300?!
Dr. Glazer: Yep, see ya.
Drake: Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?
Dr. Glazer: Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and walks away]
Drake: I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?
Audrey: Well, you heard the doctor.
Josh: YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!
Megan: [walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.
Josh: [takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!
Walter: What'd she send you?
Josh: [opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!
Drake: No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.
Josh: Never underestimate Grammy!
Walter: What's a GameSphere?
Josh: Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]
Drake: Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.
Josh: Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]
Drake: No!
Josh: You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!
Drake: Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!
Josh: No!
Drake: [holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...
Josh: [whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!
Drake: And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]
Josh: Oh! [they repeat this process]
Megan: This is the greatest day of my life.
[Drake uses a book to hide his rash-covered face at school]
Josh: Why don't you, uh, put that book down, Drake? [Drake slams the book on Josh's finger.] Ow!
Drake: [satisfied] There! I put it down. Ya happy?
Josh: Evil!
Josh: [rocking on the couch, desperately wanting to play his GameSphere from his Grammy] GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere....
Drake: [looks at his rash in a mirror] Oh, my face... My face!
Josh: GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere... [Audrey and Walter notice them and walk into the kitchen]
Audrey: Can you believe them?
Walter: Ha! I know! There's no way Josh can keep this up. Drake's gonna win this bet easy.
Audrey: Are you kidding? Drake's rash is spreading, he'll cave first.
Walter: You wanna bet on that?
Audrey: You are so on. What d'you wanna bet?
Drake: [comes in his and Josh's room] Why is it dark in here? [he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka] Josh, what did you do?
Josh: What do you mean, Drake?
Drake: It's all candy and junk food.
Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yeah. I suppose it is!
Drake: [points to a pink pillow] Pillow?
Josh: Cotton candy.
Drake: But, Josh, how did you all this-?
Josh: Shh! [raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush] Don't ask! Just enjoy! [eats a piece of candy]
Drake: Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work.
Josh: But doesn't it all look so good?
Drake: Not as good as this GameSphere. [picks up console]
Josh: [gasps] You tease!
[the TV turns on]
Console: Welcome to GameSphere.
Josh: [whining] Hi!
Console: Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games!
Josh: Ah, you're killing me here!
Drake: Hurts, doesn't it?
Josh: [yells, runs to get a cup and scoops it in an inflatable swimming pool of chocolate milk] Mmm... chocolate milk.
Drake: Big deal.
Josh: [eats the cup] Chocolate cup. [gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad] You got the wireless Battlepad!
Drake: Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere.
Josh: Mmm... marshmallows! [stuffs it in his mouth]
Drake: Ooh, level 2!
Josh: Loving that licorice! [stuffs it in his mouth]
Drake: Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics!
Josh: Everybody loves gummy bears! [stuffs it in his mouth]
[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore]
Drake and Josh: [angrily] GIVE ME THAT! [they both switched objects and cave] AH-HA! YOU CAVED! [they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as Josh gasps in return and they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]
Audrey: [comes in] BOYS! BOYS!
Walter: [comes in] GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! [he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells] WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Drake and Josh: [both yelling at once about sabotaging each other] ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! [continue arguing]
Megan: [comes in] HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first.
Drake and Josh: What?
Megan: The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink]
Drake: Mom!
Josh: Dad!
Audrey: [agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess] You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment.
Walter: You have to honor a commitment.
Megan: Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. [shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]
Walter: Yeah, we never made...
Audrey: Well, I...
Drake: [satisfied] You signed a contract.
Josh: [satisfied] You have to honor a commitment.
[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]
[the next day, Audrey and Walter have dyed their hair pink, much to Megan's amusement]
Audrey: Drake. Josh. You’ll be late for school.
[Drake and Josh appear also with pink hair]
Megan: Okay, I was wrong. This is the best day of my life.
Audrey: Just get in the car.
Walter: See ya, boys.
Audrey: Bye.
Josh: So, when do you think this pink will wear off?
Drake: I don't know. A few weeks. Months.
Josh: School's gonna be rough.
Drake: Oh, yeah.
Josh: Well, let’s go.
Drake: Nah. I am going to get some breakfast. I’ll just meet you at school.
Josh: Okay, see ya.
Drake: [reveals he wore a wig; to himself] Idiots.

Guitar

edit
Drake: [comes in his and Josh's room] Where's the guitar?
Megan: See ya. [walks out of Drake and Josh's room]
Drake: Josh?
Josh: I uh, I uh, I put it away.
Drake: Why?
Josh: You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew?
Drake: So where'd you put the guitar?
Josh: Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me?
Drake: Who's hassling you? [he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh] It's locked.
Josh: Yes, some people care about safety.
Drake: Just calm down and give me the key?
Josh: WHAT FOR?!
Drake: FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish?
Josh: Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. [snaps his finger]
Drake: YOU LOST the key?
Josh: Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith.
Drake: You have a locksmith?
Josh: Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing.
Drake: And you're sure you don't know where the original key is?
Josh: [mumbles] Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone.
Kid: [from outside] Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk!
Josh: [yelling out the window] KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! [closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]
Drake: [while walking downstairs] Josh?
Josh: Drake! Um, it's not what you think! I see that I plugged into the-
Drake: I know. Megan told me everything.
Josh: Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do-
Drake: You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. [pause] Holy snot! That's Devin Malone!
Josh: Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! [he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin] Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is-
Drake: Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you.
Devin: Yeah, you play?
Drake: Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are.
Josh: He's amazing with the guitar. He can really bring the funk!
Devin: Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special.
Drake: I hear ya.
Josh: Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing with my life baby. Yeah! [he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which causes Devin to scream]
Drake: Josh! Are you okay?
Josh: Oh my God!
Manager: What happened? Are you hurt?
Devin: Yes.
Manager: Is it your hand?
Devin: [annoyed] Yes!
Manager: [holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
Devin: I don't care!
Manager: Get me a doctor! Somebody get me a doctor!
Josh: [to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Movie Job

edit
Helen: [walks up to Josh] Hey, do you work for me?
Josh: No.
Helen: Where did you get that vest?
Josh: Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.
Helen: You made Crazy Steve quit?
Josh: You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
Helen: Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-
Josh: Crazy?
Helen: Mm-hmm. Let me, ask you something. Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, alright in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?!
Helen: Get to work! [walks away]
[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]
Helen: [appears] Uh, Drake? [Drake walks up to Helen] Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
Josh: Busted.
Drake: Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why.
Helen: Why?
Drake: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.
Josh: What?!
Helen: It means they're from Norway!
Drake: Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.
Helen: Of course.
Drake: So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.
Helen: Yeah, I know. Metrics.
Drake: So I didn't want to start an international incident.
Helen: Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?
Josh: Huh?
Drake: Alright.
Helen: Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. [leaves]
Drake: Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. [walks up to Josh]
Josh: [yells] EVIL!

Football

edit
[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]
Megan: You look terrible.
Josh: Thanks.
Megan: And you have 5 new e-mails. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Josh: Wait, how does she know how many e-mails?
Drake: Forget about that. What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: Alright, so you didn't make the team. We'll just find another way to make you cool.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: You did?
Josh: Yeah! Check it out!
Drake: No way, that's so cool.
Josh: Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-quipment manager! [pause] E-quipment manager!
Drake: Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool.
Josh: But I'm on the team.
Drake: No, you work for the team, which is uncool!
Josh: Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! [puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]
Drake: A bag of dirty laundry?
Josh: The dirty laundry of football players!
Drake: Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks.
Josh: No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes?
Drake: Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms.
Josh: Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! [picks up his dirty bag of laundry] Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. [his laundry bag opens by itself] Oh, that's ripe. [walks away]
[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]
Megan: Hey, Josh.
Josh: What's up, Megs?
Megan: Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?
Josh: Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen!
Megan: You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you.
[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]
Drake: [comes in the kitchen] What are you doing?
Josh: Making brownies for the football team.
Drake: Oh, that's cool, Josh. [sarcastically] Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. [walks over to Josh]
[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]
Josh: [voiceover] Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?
Drake: [voiceover] Yeah?
Josh: Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate.
[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together to prank Josh's football team as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]
Drake: [voiceover] Does it triple the double uncoolness.
Josh: [voiceover] Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven.
[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking]
[at school, Drake comes in the locker room while Josh is pumping up footballs]
Drake: Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not?
Josh: In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and-
Coach Davis: [angrily comes in] NICHOLS!
Josh: Yeah, Coach Davis? What-ca need me to do?
Coach Davis: What did you do?
Josh: What? What are you talking about?
Coach Davis: Your brownies! Look what they did!
[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies with flower dirt thanks to Megan]
Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
Football Player: Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad!
Coach Davis: Witherspoon, you alright?
Josh: How many brownies did you eat?
Witherspoon: 17. [gags] Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again.
Coach Davis: Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
Josh: Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
Coach Davis: Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
[the football players gasp in shock]
Josh: Aw, come on, Coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
Coach Davis: Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
Drake: Josh will play center!
Josh: Josh who?!
Drake: Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
Josh: And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state. They're animals! ANIMALS!
Coach Davis: Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
Drake: Yes!
Josh: No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!

Pool Shark

edit
[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]
Josh: I'm so excited.
Drake: I'm so annoyed.
Josh: My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.
Drake: My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh.
Josh: I'm really psyched about it.
Drake: Kill me.
Josh: Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together.
Drake: Please kill me.
Josh: And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do.
Drake: Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there.
Josh: Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. [shouting] Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together?
Drake: [in a high-pitched voice] Sorry! Drake moved to Australia.
Josh: That's not even an Australian accent.
Drake: [in a high-pitched voice] Yes, is it. Fromage!
Josh: That's French!
Drake: I think we should go easy on these guys.
Josh: How come?
Drake: It's Eric.
Josh: What's up?
Drake: His mom, is in the hospital.
Josh: Oh, God. What happened?
Drake: It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.
Josh: Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.
Drake: Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.
Josh: I thought you said you were sorry.
Drake: I am sorry.
Josh: I thought you meant you were sorry you gambled and you weren't gonna do it anymore.
Drake: No, I meant I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gambling, and I definitely wanna do it some more.

Smart Girl

edit
[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]
Josh: Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise!
Drake: Are you ready? You know what to do, right?
Josh: Yeah. Cheat.
Drake: I told you, its not cheating.
Josh: Beg to differ.
Drake: Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.
Josh: No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.
Drake: Come on, Josh. Please?
Announcer: [from the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.
Drake: Well?
Josh: Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.
Drake: Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks brother.
Josh: You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]
Drake: What are you doing?!
Josh: What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.
Drake: Well, you're not doing a very good job.
Josh: Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!
Drake: Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?
Josh: Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!
Drake: Listen to me.
Josh: No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! GOODBYE! [leaves the janitor's closet]
Drake: Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!

Little Diva

edit
Drake: Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Josh: Who's Ethan LaRoche?
Drake: I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
[later]
Josh: Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Drake: Who's that?
Josh: I don't know!
Woman: Ashley, how did it feel to play an 11-year-old president?
Drake and Josh: Ah, um.
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Drake: Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
Reporters: Ow!
Man: My question for the gentlemen who answered for her.
Drake: Yes?
Man: Why are you answering for her?
Josh: She has laryngitis!
Drake: She lost her voice singing to-
Josh: -the elderly!
Drake: So, that's why the press conference is over!
[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]

Blues Brothers

edit
Drake: [to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
Josh: And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
Jackie: Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
Drake & Josh: WHO ARE YOU?!
Jackie: I love you. Bye! [runs away]
Josh: [to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
Drake: Yeah...
Megan: I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me on Live TV. That's pressure.
Josh: Pressure.
Megan: Serious pressure. I mean, think about it. You make one mistake and millions of people see it. That's almost making like millions of mistakes in front... of the whole world.
Josh: I never thought about that.
Megan: ... Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll be fine. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back.
Josh: What twitch?
Megan: Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch.
Josh: Who told you I twitched?
Megan: Dad.
Josh: Dad!
Drake: We gotta rehearse now
Theater Goer #1: Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right?
Theater Goer #2: That’s not how he did it. He did it like this
Josh: (Groans and crouches down under the counter)

Driver's License

edit
[Josh finishes his test and shuts his car door]
Old driving instructor: Don't slam the door! This isn't 1 of your teenage parties.
Josh: Sorry.
Old driving instructor: Now, Mr. Nicholas, I assume you expect a driver's license.
Josh: Look, if I could just retake the test, perhaps with someone less angry, I-
Old driving instructor: Don't interrupt me! You passed.
Josh: But if you- I passed?
Old driving instructor: Yes, Don't you hear good, you're an excellent driver. [gives him a paper] Now, go get your driver's license before I change my mind.
Josh: Wow! Aw, this is awesome. Thank you. [hugs her]
Old driving instructor: Agh! Get off me before I call the cops. [walks away]
Josh: I'm street legal! [runs inside to get his license]
[Drake finishes his test]
Carly: That was the most fun driving test I've ever given.
Drake: So, uh, where do I pick up my driver's license?
Carly: You don't.
Drake: Oh, Carly, seriously, uh, where do I pick it up?
Carly: Uh, Drake, I'm sorry, but I can't pass you.
Drake: Why not?
Carly: Well, let's see. [looks at her clipboard] You ran 4 stop signs, 2 red lights, drove on the sidewalk, rear-ended a firetruck... oh, and you almost ran over an old lady in a wheelchair!
Drake: Well, she was hoggin' the lane.
Carly: Drake, you're a great kid, but bad driver. Anyway, call me. I'd love to hear your band play. [walks away]
Drake: Hey, you owe me $3.75 for that combo meal!
Old lady in a wheelchair: What's the matter with you!?
Megan: Hey, Drake. Will you drive me to oboe practice?
Drake: You know I didn't get my license.
Megan: I know. I just love making you say it. [leaves the kitchen, then returns and speaks from the door to tease him again] Drake, later, will you drive me to the...[Drake throws a piece of food at her to shut her up, she screams and dodges]
[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]
Drake: Oh, good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
Josh: What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 A.M. [rolls under his blanket]
Drake: Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
Josh: Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
Drake: Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
Josh: No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.
Drake: Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
Josh: Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
Drake: Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little traffic ticket. What do you say to that?
Josh: I say, [pauses] it's taco time! [he and Drake both leave the room]
[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]
Police Officer: Son you have a tail light out.
Josh: Yeah, stick it to him copper!
Police Officer: May I see your driver's license please?
Drake: Uh, yeah, about that.
Josh: Tell them, Drake. Tell him how you don't have a driver's license.
Denise Woods: You don't have your license?
Josh: No, he doesn't. That's why I had to drive you around all night.
Police Officer: Wait. So, you were driving this car?
Josh: Yeah. Why?
Police Officer: You have a tail-light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
Josh: No, sir, you're going to have to give me 2 tickets.
Police Officer: What for?
Josh: Well...one for the faulty tail light. And one...FOR THIS! [angrily attacks Drake. Denise, creeped out, exits the car and leaves as the episode ends]

#1 Fan

edit
Josh: Hello, s'mores. HELLO, PAIN!!!
[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Josh: Alright, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
Wendy: So what movie are we seeing?
Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
[all the Campfire Kids groan]
Pete: You're the worst!
Josh: [sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
Megan: I'd call Mom on my phone.
Josh: Say you didn't have your phone.
Megan: I always have my phone.
Josh: The battery's dead.
Megan: I always carry a-
Josh: It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
Megan: So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
Josh: [beat] That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]
[in Drake and Josh's room, Josh makes his bed until Drake arrives]
Drake: Josh, I have a problem.
Josh: Does it itch?
Drake: No. My problem is Wendy, your little forest fire kid.
Josh: Ohh. Your #1 fan.
Drake: Yeah, who's obsessed with me. Today, she verbally assaulted my date. And look, Megan found her notebook.
[hands Wendy's notebook to Josh]
Josh: Oh-ho. She wrote "Drake and Wendy" over and over. [flips through every page] Hey. If you flip through the pages really fast, there's a little cartoon of you two walking and holding hands.
[shows it to Drake]
Drake: Oh, yeah, I wonder-- [flings the notebook in the air] D'OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR ANIMATION! She's obsessed with me!
Josh: You're exaggerating.
Drake: Oh, yeah? Here, check out our answering machine.
[walks over to the phone, then starts dialing Wendy's home number and presses a button]
Wendy: [on answering machine] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if you were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! Please leave a message.
[the phone beeps]
Drake: See what I mean?
Josh: So? She has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Drake: Oprah?
Josh: She's an inspiration! Dude, don't worry about Wendy. This week, she loves you. Next week, she'll love...
Drake: [jokingly] Oprah?
Josh: Don't mock me.
Drake: Fine. I just hope you're right.
Josh: I am right. And you should really give Oprah a chance, she is quite--
[they hear knocking on their window]
Drake: What's that?
Josh: I don't know.
[they walk over to find out. Drake opens the blinds and is shocked to see Wendy with a jar of pickles]
Drake: Aah! Wendy? What are you doing here?
Wendy: I brought you some pickles. Oh, and will you marry me? [Drake closes the blinds on her, then turns to Josh and is irritated] They're vertically sliced for sandwiches!
[Drake arrives home from school and confronts Wendy after pranking him]
Wendy: Hey, Drake!
Drake: Don't talk, just listen.
Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?
Drake: You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you.
Wendy: They just don't understand our relationship.
Drake: We don't have a relationship. You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even your friend. So, just leave me alone. [walks away]
Pete: So when's the wedding?
[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]
Megan: You know that wasn't nice.
Pete: Who said I was nice?

Mean Teacher

edit
Josh: Some people are born lucky. I am not 1 of those people.
Mrs. Hayfer: [comes in with the graded essays] Morning, class. I graded your essays. [satisfied] Josh, you wrote a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]
Josh: Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.
Mrs. Hayfer: Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.
Josh: Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.
Mrs. Hayfer: Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]
Drake: D-? What's wrong with it?
Mrs. Hayfer: I don't know, just write another one.
Drake: Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?
Josh: Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.
Mrs. Hayfer: Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey were originally written in what language? Drake!
Drake: Uh, Greek.
Mrs. Hayfer: WRONG! Todd?
Todd: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: [satisfied] CORRECT!
[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]
[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]
Drake: Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus?
Mrs. Hayfer: [answers the door] Who's out here?
Drake: Hey, is Kelly- [he notices Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out revealing it's her house] HOLY SNOT!
Mrs. Hayfer: What a charming sentiment.
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?
Drake: Isn't this Kelly's address?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake: You're Kelly's mom?!
Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick!
Drake: Oh, right there with you.
Kelly: [comes out of the house] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]
Drake: Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom.
Kelly: Are you one of my mom's students?
Mrs. Hayfer: If you use the term "student" loosely.
Drake: Well, I’d better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]
Kelly: Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?
Drake: Um...
Kelly: Why don't you take me to play miniature golf?
Drake: Oh, you know I-
Kelly: Oh, I'll get my putter. [leaves and goes inside the house]
Drake: So, nice night, huh?
Mrs. Hayfer: [satisfied] I hate you.
Drake: I know.
Mrs. Hayfer: DRAKE!
Drake: Yes ma'am!
Mrs. Hayfer: Since your talking, please tell the class what's your favorite novel from the 20th Century?
Drake: Uh, Catcher in the Rye.
Mrs. Hayfer: WRONG.
Drake: Wrong? But you just asked-
Mrs. Hayfer: WRONG! [Drake mumbles] Was I talking to you?
Drake: Kinda!

The Gary Grill

edit
[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]
Josh: Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! [the police lock the bars] Drake, do something!
Drake: Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Josh: Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
Drake: I did, they don't believe us!
Josh: Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! [Drake grabs him]
Drake: Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough.
Josh: Right.
Buddy: Guy?
Guy: Yeah?
Buddy: I've read about prison.
Guy: And...?
Buddy: [defeated] It ain't fun!

Drew & Jerry

edit
[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]
Josh: Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?
Drake: I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
Josh: So you let him lick my face?
Drake: Get dressed, we're late.
Josh: Late for what?
Drake: Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
Josh: 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
Drake: You're hanging out with Drew today?
Josh: He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
Drake: So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
Josh: But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]
Drake: Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the trash dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]
[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]
Megan: Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?
Drake: Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
Megan: Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Drake: I'm not jealous.
Megan: Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
Drake: You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
Megan: You should.
Drake: I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?
Megan: I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]
Drake: [as he arrives home] Sorry I'm late, guys.
Walter: Where you been all day?
Drake: I was just hanging out with a new friend of mine. Actually, I invited him over for dinner And to watch "Canadian Idol" with us. Is that cool?
Audrey: Sure. Megan, will you go tell Josh and Drew that dinner's ready?
Megan: Sure. [talks using the speaker] Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner.
Drake: Where does she get this stuff?
Megan: [to Drake] None of your business.
[Drew and Jerry are on TV]
Jerry: But I thought you said you were sorry.
Drew: I am sorry.
Jerry: But I thought you meant you were sorry that you cheated on the test and that you weren't gonna do it anymore.
Drew: No, I'm sorry I got caught, and I'm definitely gonna do it some more.
Jerry: Stomachaches, you give me stomachaches.

Honor Council

edit
[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]
Mrs. Hayfer: Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?
Bud: It was in your trunk.
Josh: Hey, Drake, that's your jacket.
Drake: Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.
Mrs. Hayfer: Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?
Drake: I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.
Mrs. Hayfer: [angrily] You are suspended, Drake Parker.
Drake: What?
Mrs. Hayfer: [angrily] SUSPENDED!
Drake: Come on, now you have...
Mrs. Hayfer: [angrily] TO THE NURSE! [Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car]
[Drake is home from school after being suspended by Mrs. Hayfer]
Megan: Did you do it?
Drake: No.
Megan: Why did you do it?
Drake: I didn't.
Megan: How did you do it?
Drake: I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room]
Audrey: Excuse me, still alive here.
Drake: Sorry, it's an expression.
Walter: Megan, out.
Megan': Are you gonna yell at Drake?
Audrey: Out!
Megan: Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.
Audrey: So, we just got off the phone with your principal.
Drake: Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.
Walter: Well, you have been known to 'act out'.
Drake: Like when?
Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
Drake: By accident.
Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Drake: To make money.
Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.
Walter: Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.
Audrey: A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.
Drake: This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.
Josh: [comes in the room] She can't!
Drake: What?
Josh: According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.
Drake: What's that?
Josh: It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.
Walter: How were you going to make money with lobsters?
Drake: Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?
Josh: Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.
Drake: Oh really. That's awesome.
Josh: We go to trial in 2 days.
Drake: That's awesome.
Josh: And I'm gonna defend you.
Drake: That's not awesome.
edit
 
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