CSI: NY (season 4)

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CSI: NY (September 2004 – February 2013) is an American police procedural television series set in New York City. It is a spinoff of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and CSI: Miami.

Can You Hear Me Now? [4.01]

Adam Ross: (answering phone) Adam Ross.

Lindsay Monroe: Hi. I'm calling from the office of unemployment.

Adam Ross: Oh, Lindsay, hey.

Lindsay Monroe: Word is that Denny's is looking to hire some socially-awkward scientists.

Adam Ross: I'm...I'm halfway there already, okay?

Lindsay Monroe: It's a big case, Adam, it's the Statue of Liberty, it's all over the news. We've got lot of work to do. This is top priority and Mac's back in town. Get your little ass to work.

Adam: Kendall! Hey..uh..wake up..uh, we're late for work. We gotta, we gotta get up, we're late for work.

Kendall: (waking to see they are both in their underwear) Did we?...We didn't...?

Adam: Oh! No, no, no. I mean, I...uh..I wish it was yes, yes, yes but sadly, no.

Kendall: (rolling over) Okay. Hmmm, ten more minutes.

Adam: No, no, no. No more minutes. Okay, get up, get up, let's go. Up, up. Yes, let's go. Ooh. (pulling her from the couch) Must fight crime.

Sheldon Hawkes: What about the trace I collected from her arm?

Lindsay Monroe: Latex. More specifically, condom spray.

Danny Messer: (Amused) 'Scuse me? What? I didn't catch that.

Lindsay Monroe: Liquid rubber (Holds the spray can, smiling) German engineering at its finest.

Sheldon Hawkes: I'm not sure I understand.

Lindsay Monroe: Well, allow me to demonstrate (Grabs a big test-tube) Contrary to what you might have heard, science definitely does matter (Starts spraying the content of the can on the test-tube) Simply, apply like so. Allow a few moments for maximum drying time and... Boom! Instant condom. (Hands test tube to Danny)

Sheldon Hawkes: Are you serious? A spray-on condom?

Danny Messer: What... Where does the... The... (Points at the top of the test-tube) Now how... Never mind.

Nova Kent: I lost that music box about a year ago.

Danny: Are you kidding me? You can't come up with a better lie than that?

Nova Kent: I move a lot, four different places in the past year. I've given up junk, throw things away.

Stella: You specifically requested that the music box played Mozart's first minuet. It seems strange that something with that kind of sentimental value would be thrown away.

Nova Kent: Yeah well, I cried for three days when I realized it was gone.

Danny: You're killing me right now.

The Deep [4.02]

Flack: Our vic's this way. Floater, popped up in the middle of a sailboat race between New York and New Jersey.

Danny: I read about that. Reenactment of a race that happened back in the 1600s.

Mac: Yeah. Legend has it the winner got possession of Staten Island.

Flack: Too late to give it back?

Danny: Yeah, very funny, Flack!

(on a dive boat, in the East River)

Danny: (as he gears up to go into the water) A graveyard for subways? What happened, they run out of landfill or what?

Mac: (laughs a little) Cheaper to sink 'em then scrap 'em.

Hawkes: And the subway reefs provide a marine life sanctuary.

Danny: Yeah, well screw the fish. Hope it provides us with a crime scene.

Mac: Holden surfaced right here in the harbor. We're here. Subway reef is right under us. And we're gonna focus on the old Redbird transit cars. They’re the ones that contain asbestos. It's dark down there. We got tidal currents, rocks and reefs to deal with.

Danny: Let's look on the bright side. We're not gonna worry about sharks.

Danny Messer: My mother was so pissed off, she didn't talk to me for a week... It was kind of a peaceful week.

(as Hawkes is getting treated for his injuries)

Danny: So is it true what they say?

Hawkes: What's that?

Danny: Did your life pass right before your eyes?

Hawkes: I could only think of one thing the whole time I was down there.

Danny: What? Was it your first kiss?

Hawkes: (holding his ribs) Don't make me laugh.

Danny: What?

Hawkes: Sid Hammerback. I was in his lab, lying on an autopsy table. Sid was standing over me, firing up the bone spreader.

Danny: That's morbid.

Flack: What happened down there? I got a call from Dispatch saying there was some kind of problem. I got here as fast as I could.

Danny: Some methane bubbles caused an explosion. Hawkes got trapped underneath the ship's mast.

Flack: Some guys would do anything for an early pension.

You Only Die Once [4.03]

(A dent in a car bounces back)

Don Flack: What the hell kinda car are you?

Sinclair: (to Flack) You know, the NYPD has a strict policy against high-speed chases. Or did you forget that?

Flack: No, sir.

Sinclair: The next time you want to run up a $60 cab fare, you do that on your own time. You're lucky no one got hurt.

Danny Messer: (laughing) Oh, how's that new girlfriend?

Don Flack: Keep walking, Messer.

Danny Messer: No, seriously, where'd you meet her?

Don Flack: Met her at a charity event. Police/fire hockey game.

Danny Messer: So she's got teeth, or...?

Don Flack: Move!

Danny Messer: Speed Racer's Mach 5 does not come close to the Batmobile. End of story.

Lindsay Monroe: Are you kidding me? The Mach-5 had submersible capabilities and a robotic homing pigeon.

Danny Messer: Yeah, so did the Batmobile. Along with rocket boosters and armor plating.

Lindsay Monroe: Mach-5: Rotary saw.

Danny Messer: All right, Montana. Did Speed Racer's Mach-5 have a field forensics kit?

Lindsay Monroe: The Batmobile did not have a field forensics kit.

Danny Messer: In the Batmobile's trunk, it did.

Lindsay Monroe: That explains so much.

Danny Messer: Woah, Montana, hold up.

Lindsay Monroe: What's up?

Danny Messer: (on phone) Yeah, I got her. (to Lindsay) Overtime. Evidence is coming in on the James Stanton murder, and we have a date with it.

Lindsay Monroe: We got the car?

Danny Messer: You make the coffee. I'll go get the Batmobile.

Time's Up [4.04]

Kevin Murray: Well, can you at least tell me what he said?

Mac: What who said?

Kevin Murray: The guy about me dying tomorrow!

Mac: Well, I’m sorry, that’s part of an ongoing investigation.

Kevin Murray: This morning you said he’d been to the future. Did he say how or where or when I'd be killed?

Mac: Again, unless you have some information to share that might shed some light on our victim, I don’t see what else we can do for you.

Kevin Murray: How about guaranteeing me I'm still alive in 24 hours.

[about a girl who was killed by fatal orgasm while eating a pickle]

Detective Danny Messer: Must've been a hell of a pickle.

Witness: Can I get your phone number?

Det. Jessica Angell: Why, are you in trouble?

Witness: No, but I'd like to be.

(scene shift to Danny and Stella listening to Angell)

Danny: So did you give him your number?

(about Stella receiving a parachute as a gift)

Mac: There are safer ways to beat the traffic.

Stella: Oh, traffic I can handle. Men are another story.

Mac: What is it?

Stella: [opening an envelope] Hmm. Gift certificate for a skydiving lesson. Met this guy in an antique store and then bumped into him again at a coffee stand. And suddenly he wants to hold hands at 10,000 feet. So he sent me a parachute.

Mac: Original and daring.

Stella: And a bit too aggressive for me. What?

Mac: You were smiling when you opened the box.

Stella: [chuckles a little] Mac, my last boyfriend tried to kill me and I shot him.

Mac: Well, maybe this guy's a little different. Why don't you just run him through NYSPIN?

Stella: Actually, I already did. There are three Drew Bedfords in the city. One is 96 and lives in a rest home. The other is in juvie for painting boobs on a billboard. And my original endearing friend is, uh, squeaky clean.

Mac: You and I are alike in a lot of ways. We both do everything we can to avoid this sort of thing. Sometimes you just gotta take the plunge.

Stella: So you're telling me to fall for all this?

Mac: Stella, Peyton pursued me. I never thought I'd enjoy another relationship either. Forget about all the risks of romance and enjoy the rewards.

Flack: I dunno. If I could go anywhere back in time, I'd probably go back to my folks' place in Queens for one of my mom's corn beef Wednesdays. Yeah, I would endure every one of my brothers' insults at the table for one more taste of that paradise.

Sheldon Hawkes: In theory, if you built a machine that could travel the speed of light away from here, then slowed down, turned around and flew home just as fast, when you got back, a trip that might have lasted seconds for you, could've been weeks for everybody else.

Don Flack: Kinda like your explanation.

Stella: [about the evidence] Turns out it's an experimental sexual enhancement drug, only available in clinical trials.

Danny: Don't look at me, I don't need it.

Stella: You're too old anyway. It's currently being tested on students at the Chelsea University health center.

Danny: Argh, it's like throwing gas on a raging hormonal fire.

Stella: [Laughs] Well, Detective Angell just got me a court order to pull all the patient files and talk to the students directly. I'm hoping that this will give us an I.D. on the perp.

Danny: Fantastic. We got horny college kids and horny mammals. You wanna trade?

Stella: Mammals?

Danny: Prehistoric, to be exact.

Down The Rabbit Hole [4.05]

Lindsay: Only 61 days until Christmas, although it looks like you've already gotten some gifts.

Stella: Uh, yeah. It's getting embarrassing. This guy I met a couple of weeks ago. He's extremely persistent. Last week it was a parachute. This week it’s rock climbing gear.

Lindsay: [smiling] Sounds like Mr. Adventure wants to get physical.

Adam Ross: Double-click on that template. Now, male or female?

(Mac Taylor looks at him, eyebrows raised)

Adam Ross: This is fantasy, be all you can be!

Adam: (showing Mac how to use Second Life) Boss, if you go in-world looking like Joe Boring you're gonna get flagged as a newbie. Let me get in here real quick. Check this out. Hip do, a little custom skin. Cool coat. All right. Check it out. Now you're ready to roll in-world.

Mac Taylor: [Speaking for his female avatar] Hi. I like the name. [pause] I love waterfalls, don't you?

Stella Bonasera: [Laughing] Oh, my God.

Mac Taylor: What?

Stella Bonasera: You have no game whatsoever.

Mac Taylor: Look, I don't need a backseat avatar.

Stella: All right, then move over. Come on. Before your suspect bails. (takes the headset in his place on the game) Hey, Don. Sorry about that. I was, uh, distracted by a phone call. My name’s Taylor. What do you say we get outta here and go for a walk?

Adam Ross: [Fighting warriors in Second Life] Who's your daddy?

Boo [4.06]

(while working the late-late shift in the cemetery)

Grave Digger #1: Smallpox, Yellow Fever, influenza. She had the Bubonic Plague.

Grave Digger #2: (digging) What are you talking about, Pops?

Grave Digger #1: Long ago when several coffins were excavated and scratches were found inside, our ancestors, they realized they’d been burying (snickering) folks before their time. No kiddin’. Back then, when the plagues hit, guys like you and me, we couldn't dig fast enough.

Grave Digger #2: (not believing) Come on!

Grave Digger #1: Saved by the bell doesn't mean what you think. Morticians would tie a string to the hand of the dead person and take the other end of the string and tie it to a bell, above ground. And immediately after the, uh, burial, a person from the mortuary would be assigned the task to sit by the new gravesite and listen for the bell to ring. (laughs) That was called the graveyard shift.

Sheriff Benson: (about the crime scene) No, this one's gonna be covered differently.

Danny: Why's that?

Sheriff Benson: Thirty-one years ago the former owner, Bill Willens shot himself in this house. Two days later, his daughter disappeared. Bill’s wife, Betty, claims her husband was hearing voices. He told people the house was possessed by evil spirits.

Lindsay: Just like The Amityville Horror.

Sheriff Benson: All I know is the folks inside this house were good people. For Gil Duncan to shoot his family, commit suicide... there’s gotta be an explanation other than ghosts made him do it.

Flack: So Stella told me your mysterious caller disappeared.

Mac: Haven't got a call at 3:33 a.m. in over a week.

Flack: Maybe your guy decided it was time to stop stalking you.

Mac: Maybe he's getting ready to take it to the next level.

Sheriff Benson: All I'm saying is people come to town and get caught up in the folklore.

Lindsay Monroe: Do we look like we're here buying postcards?

Dr. Sid Hammerback: Well, I didn't find any bite marks on him or human brains in his stomach contents, but he was dead before he was killed, which medically makes him a zombie. Happy Halloween.

Mac: I hate zombies.

Stella: I know, they spoil all the fun, don't they?

[Danny interrogates a man who accidentally shot his sister as a boy, and an entire family years later.]

Danny Messer: No, it was you Henry who killed that family, it's not the Devil.

Henry: You're wrong. The Devil did kill that family that night. He came to me the night my sister died in that house. I just didn't know enough not to let him in.

Commuted Sentences [4.07]

Stella: Was he with anyone?

Larry: A smoking hot brunette in a red dress. She made the reservation, under Florence Nightingale. I'm thinking fake name.

Flack: Real sharp, Larry.

[while doing a reconstruction of the shooting with Danny behind her]

Lindsay: Definitely, could have gone right through the love handles. [smiles and pinches his stomach]

Danny: That's too low, wise-ass.

Don Flack: Four older brothers and a Detective-Sergeant for a father. Your old man dust you for prints when you got home from a date?

Jess Angell: If it was up to them, I wouldn't have knows boys existed until I was 21.

Don Flack: I'm sure the boys knew you existed.

Jess Angell: (pauses and smiles) Was that a line, Flack? Did you just bust out your game on me?

Don Flack: (looks away, grinning) What?

Jess Angell: It was, wasn't it? Look at you, you're blushing! [laughs]

Don Flack: My game. Game? I have no game. If I did, that's probably as good as it gets.

Jess Angell: I think it was pretty good.

Amber Stanton: [appearing by the car] Detectives. Oh. I’m not interrupting anything, am I? [suddenly getting in the backseet of the car] You two have been trailing me for the last couple of hours. Now, if you’re going to follow me, you may as well have a copy of my itinerary. We’ve got lunch at Stang’s in, oh, fifteen minutes. That might be a bit expensive on your boyfriend’s salary. The rest of the day is here. Saks, Bloomingdale's. I’ve got a meeting at four in the office. You get the idea and, um, I jotted down my cell phone in case you have trouble keeping up. Have a nice day. [gets out out of the car and walks away]

Danny: [holding an empty box] Where are the shoes that were in this box?

Amber Stanton: They're gone. I threw them away.

Lindsay: You threw away a pair of four-hundred dollars shoes?

Amber Stanton: Is that against the law? Why do you bother? Mitchell Bentley was a piece of garbage.

Lindsay: You just don’t get it, do you? It doesn’t matter who the victim is. It’s the killer we’re after.

Amber Stanton: [during her interrogation] Whenever I see a useless piece of human trash walk away without consequence, I feel violated again... Bentley was smiling... Kaplan was going about his life as if nothing had happened.

Mac: So you became a predator? A killer?

Amber Stanton: I think of myself as an arbiter of justice.

Buzzkill [4.08]

Flack: (skeptical) Nick, I've had guys in here blame their criminal behavior on wives, bosses, even the devil. But I gotta tell ya, this is a new one. You're telling me you were driven to this by a shiny red light?

Hawkes: Crime of passion?

Mac: Yeah, that's one possibility. Or... she was the inside guy? They planned this robbery together, but before she got her cut... her partner double-crossed her.

Stella: You know, Lindsay, I don't think these lollipops are lollipops. (tests one) Heroin.

Lindsay: Well, that changes everything.

Angell: [Handing Mac an artist's representation of the killer] Here's our killer. It's all the information we were able to get from our witnesses.

Mac: So, we just need to find everybody with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth?

Patti Nelson: [about Jenna Donovan] I didn't kill her.

Flack: Patti, come on. These magic lollipops are like the hot new thing.

Patti Nelson: Look, I told you. I am sorry she's dead, but those lollipops aren't worth killing for.

Flack: Listen to me, I already got you on possession of heroin. Just a hop, skip and a jump to murder if I work this right, and for your information, I'm very good. Especially since Jenna's dead body shows us that she was in one hell of a fight right before that party.

Sid: [walking into the lab with Stella] Our vic's body couldn't help but remind me of my Great-Uncle Andy.

Stella: Oh, hearing that is enough to make any model break into tears.

Sid: [chuckling] Oh, no, there’s no physical resemblance, although he was in freakishly superior shape for an octogenarian. But no, what I mean is Uncle Andy would never finish telling a story. Every time you thought he was done, he'd find something more to say.

Danny: So these guys are mailing the money somewhere.

Hawkes: Smart move. Not keeping the cash on them or in the apartment.

Angell: If you can raise the ink from the pouch, maybe we can get an address.

Danny: Oh, what? You doing science now?

One Wedding and A Funeral [4.09]

Flack: So the Hatfields and the McCoys couldn't keep it together long enough to merge the family fortunes.

Sid: [showing Hawkes and Danny the cell phone that was pulled from the vic] My very first dead ringer. [Danny laughs a bit]

Stella: The hell were you thinking, Drew?! I mean, this was not cute or funny or the least bit charming. I told you, I didn't want you to send me any more gifts, and I thought I made it perfectly clear that I was not interested. And then you put this box on my truck? I called the bomb squad, Drew.

Drew: It's not from me, Stella. Look, every gift I sent to your office was with a card. You know, there was a theme going on, in case you hadn't noticed. A puzzle doesn't exactly say 'take a risk'.

Detective Don Flack: So the neighbors were very helpful. They saw nothing, heard nothing and know nothing. Welcome to my life.

George Foodim: After hitting a few bars, I went back to Brett's apartment and that's when I found him. I started to call the cops, right? But it’s not like there was anything I could do. He was already dead. I had to get him to the park.

Flack: Uh, y-you're gonna have to help us out here, pal. Why did you have to get Brett to the park?

George Foodim: It was a bet. He was engaged twice before, couldn't go through with it. I bet our buddy Toby that Brett would definitely show up this time. There was no way I was gonna lose.

Mac: Whoa, whoa. You stuffed, dressed and moved your dead friend for a bet?

George Foodim: It was a hundred grand, man. I...I don't have it. And if I didn't pay up, Toby would have gone to my dad.

Det. Flack: It never occurred to you, what with your friend being dead and all, that just maybe the bet was off?

George Foodim: I told you.

Flack: Yeah. Fifteen shots of tequila, I heard you.

George Foodim: Yeah, well it made... made sense yesterday morning. I feel bad. If you knew Brett, Brett, (laughs a bit) Yeah, I mean, he, he would've laughed. He would've done the same thing, I'm telling you.

Adam: [walks into the room to see Danny smiling] What are you so happy about?

Danny: I figured out what killed my groom.

Adam: Was it the mother-in-law?

Danny: Hahaha, no! It was a missing wedding gift.

[Mac notices the missing pieces in the puzzles sent to Stella]

Detective Mac Taylor: That's the Riverton building. That was my first crime scene.

Adam Ross: No way.

Detective Mac Taylor: This way my first New York apartment. This to scale?

Adam Ross: Uh, y-yeah. As-as far as I can tell.

Detective Mac Taylor: This high-rise should be much taller in relation to the Chrysler Building.

Adam Ross: How could you know that?

Detective Mac Taylor: I got engaged on that roof. This puzzle's about my life.

The Thing About Heroes [4.10]

Danny: [holding the iPod] So, this is what was used to hijack the train. He attached an MP3 player to the control panel, the sick bastard.

Stella: Ya, well that sick bastard is Mac's stalker.

Det. Renee Brennen: What made you think you'd find anything at all? You specifically asked to visit an unoccupied floor. You flashed your badge, said it was police business. Now, it doesn't sound to me like you were looking for office space.

Mac: I was sent here. I don't know why or by whom, and I don't know who the victim hanging from that ceiling is or how it connects to me.

Jimmie Davis: Mac Taylor. Heard your voice on the phone, I couldn't believe it. Now you're standing here. Look like your old man. Been a long time, Mac.

Mac: Since we were kids.

Jimmie Davis: Yeah. Last I heard you were in New York, married, working for the mayor's office or something.

Mac: I'm a crime-scene investigator.

Jimmie Davis: Phew. Must be something, huh? What's the statute of limitations for us sneaking into Wrigley? What brings you back, Mac?

Mac: Bobby Toole is dead.

Jimmie Davis: That's supposed to be funny? He's been dead for 30 years.

Mac: Yeah. But they found his body today, in the Tribune Building.

Jimmie Davis: We swore we were never gonna talk about this. I haven't told a soul.

Mac: Somebody put his body in the Tribune Building for me to find, the word coward on the wall. Did you do it, Jimmie?

Jimmie Davis: What? What, are you out of your mind, Mac? Huh? Is this some kind of sick joke to you?

Mac: Over a month ago I got a T-shirt stained with blood. I didn't know until today, that's your brother's shirt. Will's blood. The same shirt he was wearing when Bobby Toole beat him to death.

Jimmie Davis: You feeling guilty, Mac?

Mac: I don't regret the choice I made that day.

Jimmie Davis: No, I don't imagine that you do, because you didn't lose a brother. Your family didn't fall apart. You didn't watch your father cry for the first time in your life, watch him crumble to his knees. You didn't spend ten years trying to make it up to your mother and your little brother, lying to little Andy about how Will died. Not you.

Flack: Little out of your jurisdiction, aren't ya?

Mac: When you called me, I thought you were in New York.

Flack: Sneaky like that. Plus it made it easier to find you.

Mac: Sinclair?

Flack: Yeah. He doesn't like to be embarrassed, Mac. So I got the rundown from Detective Brennan. Don't you wanna tell me what this is really about?

Mac: Wanna take a ride?

Flack: Long as it's not on the subway.

[Mac comes to, tied to a chair with lasers and guns pointed at him]

Drew Bedford: Mac Taylor. The Mac Taylor. Phew. You know, it's funny, you don't look like a hero.

Mac: Andy. I don't know what you...

Drew Bedford: Shh, shh, shh. Whatever you do, don't move. You see that gun? The slightest movement puts a bullet right between your eyes. Of course, freezing is something that comes naturally to you, isn't it, Mac? Something the public doesn't know about its hero cop, but my dead brother knows all too well.

Mac: For God's sakes, Andy, I was just a kid.

Drew Bedford: Yeah, well, you were old enough. All you had to do was pull the trigger. You know, playing with your crack CSI team, it's been, it's been fun. I gotta tell you, man, that Stella, she's just... She's smart. She never quite trusted me. See how she’d be an asset to you. Be a shame to see her die. You see, whoever comes through that door is gonna take a bullet. And I'm sure Stella and company are working on finding out where you are, as we speak.

Flack: He holds Mac responsible for losing someone in his family.

Lindsay: So what? Now he wants Mac to lose someone in his family?

Stella: Yeah. One of us.

Child's Play [4.11]

Rikki Sandoval: He's been up since 5:30.

Detective Danny Messer: (whispers) Yeah, I went to bed at 5:30.

Sid: [scratching at his arms and shoulders during the post] All right, then, ladies, unless there's something else?

Stella: There is one more thing, Sid. Mucuna pruriens. In India, they're also known as, uh, velvet-bean, cow-itch, but here in the United States, we usually call it itching powder. [hands him the evidence bag with a packet as Lindsay starts laughing]

Sid: Oh, no, oh, no...

Stella: It looks like he stuck it in his pocket, and after the blast, it wound up dispersed on his clothes.

Sid: [looking between the two women] Why aren't you...

Stella: A long-sleeved lab coat. Both stylish and functional.

Sid: Exploding cigars, insect ice-cubes, itching powder... what kind of a clown are we after?

[in the ME's office]

Danny: [about Ruben] I saw him. I saw him. He was fine. I saw him. He rode the bike right away from me. I shouldn't have stopped. I shouldn't have stopped. Why did I stop!? I should've made sure the kid got home safe.

Mac: Ruben was a block and a half from your apartment building. There was a man down bleeding. Justin Scott needed your help. You acted on instinct, Danny.

Danny: Oh, man, I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't. He just got his bicycle blessed this morning.

Lindsay: [finding out about Ruben, referring to Danny] I'm not very good at this kind of thing. What should I say to him?

Mac: Just tell him that you're not very good at this kind of thing.

[seeing the gag store]

Flack: Laughing Larry? You gotta be kidding me. Do you have any idea how much of my childhood was cruelly destroyed by this moron?

Lindsay: Trust me. I feel your pain.

Stella: You two wanna enlighten me here?

Flack: I was into comic books as a kid, right?

Stellla: Yep.

Flack: And this guy had a full-page ad in the back of each and every one of ‘em selling things like Dribble Glasses, Onion Gum, Hypno-Coins, Whoopee cushions.

Lindsay: Plastic vomit, rubber dog-doo.

Stellla: Hmm. Sounds great.

Flack: Oh, yeah. And it all looked great. And I'd do whatever it took. I would scrimp, I would save, I would mow every last lawn in the neighborhood to get my hands on Sneezing Salts or a hundred-piece Battle Fleet. And then, I go to the mailbox, and right there, before my innocent young eyes, would be disappointment in a cardboard box.

Lindsay: I once spent my entire summer allowance on this hovercraft that Laughing Larry said would take me and my friends riding on a carpet of thin air. Hovercrap!

Flack: How about the x-ray specs I bought in middle school to see through girl's clothes? The only thing I ever saw through those was a nun coming at me with a yardstick.

Flack: Stop, drop and roll! You son of a bitch!

Mac: Thought I told you to take some time off?

Danny: Oh, yeah, you did. I just don't wanna go home. 'Cause when I go walking down that hallway now, I'm... not gonna hear the kid laughing on the other side of the walls, you know. Crying when he doesn't wanna go to bed. I'm just afraid I'm gonna miss him.

Happily Never After [4.12]

Mac: During the Black Plague, perfumed flowers were stuffed in the pockets of those who perished, to mask the smell of death.

Danny: So that would make this... pocketful of posies, ashes, ashes.

Mac: We all fall down.

Detective Danny Messer: Toy stores and schools are the last places I want to be looking for a killer right now.

[Adam is listening to music and dancing whilst doing a test, he turns around and sees Mac watching him.]

Adam: Oh, hey.

Mac: That was a nice move, what is this, Dancing with the Scientist?

Bryce Aldicott/Mad Hatter: This party is invitation only.

Danny Messer: [holding up his police badge] Left mine at home.

Mac: (looking at his face) Where'd you get that bruise?

Bryce Aldicott/Mad Hatter: [almost laughing] Oh, this. Few nights ago. Mad party. Mad.

Danny: Apparently the party's, uh, going on 24/7 in your head.

Bryce Aldicott/Mad Hatter: I... I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir, because I'm not myself, you see.

Mac Taylor: Yeah, well, whoever you are, you have the right to remain silent.

Bryce Aldicott/Mad Hatter: Look, it’s all kept under the radar. Invites are small. We each get a book with text numbers. Tell us when and where we're supposed to be. And the party begins. And Foxy, man, makes the game real. Turns Manhattan into Neverland.

Danny Messer: Except nobody dies in Neverland.

Mac Taylor: You tested positive.

Tyler: For what?

Mac Taylor: Murder.

All in the Family [4.13]

Mac: Danny's shift started two hours ago. You heard from him?

Lindsay: He got hit with the flu. He took some cold medicine, knocked him out. He just woke up.

Mac: Seems kind of sudden.

Lindsay: He said he felt it coming on a few days ago.

Mac: Tell him to get better. Make sure you don't catch what he's got.

Flack: [at Danny's apartment, to the Super] All right, open it up.

Super: Don't I need a warrant or something?

Flack: Yeah, but you also need a fire extinguisher on every floor.

Super: Now that you put it that way.[unlocks the door]

Detective Stella Bonasera: Your divorce was finalized a week ago. The judge who presided over it was just found dead. What would you call that?

Larry Rose: A happy coincidence.

Angell: Is that supposed to be funny?

Larry Rose: Depends. You got a sense of humor?

Angell: Depends. You funny?

Flack: [outside the bail-bonds building] Nice place to play hooky. Personally, I would a gone with the batting cages.

Danny: It's closed for maintenance.

Flack: Ollie Barnes is not worth screwing up your career, Danny.

Danny: I give a crap about that cockroach.

Flack: Oh, yeah? Then why am I here?

Mac: Movie and a murder. Hell of a double-feature.

Rikki Sandoval: [about Ollie] If he hadn't robbed that store, Ruben would still be alive.

Danny: I know you think that but if I would a stayed with Ruben, and made sure he got home, he'd be alive. That’s all I had to do, was stay with him.

Detective Mac Taylor: [to the suspects] One crime, five victims; Emily Miller and Judge Riverton lost their lives, Madison lost her father, and you two lost your future.

Danny: You know what? You should mind your own business.

Flack: You're my friend, Danny. Makes it my business.

Playing with Matches [4.14]

Angell: Fire department was en route to a structure fire on 49th when this thing...

Danny: Thing?

Angell: That's what they called it. Came flying at them like some flaming meteorite. Slammed right into the windshield.

Danny: Fire came to the firemen, it's gotta be a first.

Mac: Houston, we have a problem.

Sid: (about their burn victim) Face with no name is simply a face. And your victim's helmet preserved his quite well, but it hasn't helped me make an I.D. Yet.

Danny: To think I ever opposed the helmet law.

Sid: Well, not so fast. That skull bucket also contributed to what killed him.

Danny: You mean, it wasn't the fact that he was on fire with a high speed impact with a fire truck?

Sid: Imagine your victim catches fire. A helmet starts to fill up with toxic fumes. He panics, struggling to get it off, which only increases the rate of smoke inhalation. Result was direct toxicity to the cardiac muscle.

Mac: C.O.D. was smoke inhalation.

Sid: And death was near instantaneous.

Danny: What about the stab wounds?

Sid: Turned out to be minor injuries inflicted with a meat thermometer.

Danny: Whoa. Wha'? A meat thermometer? Who stabs somebody with a meat thermometer?

Sid: Cannibal? It's anyone's guess. Severity of charring was significantly greater above his ankles than below...And based on the degree of trauma to the bones, I'd say your human comet's rate of speed was at least 80 mph at the time of impact.

Danny: 80?! What was he doing to be moving that fast?

Sid: Now keep in mind I'm simply a pathologist, but the injuries to this victim, well frankly, they appear consistent....with him re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. Now until you come up with some evidence that says otherwise, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Flack: Put it this way: if a dishwasher and a porta-potty were to ever mix it up, this thing would be their offspring.

Sid: First victim I haven't had to wash in quite some time - clean as they come!

Mac Taylor: How do you kill a woman from a prison cell?

Danny: Why'd you run when I badged you?

Mercury: Street racing is illegal.

[Danny laughs]

Angell: Thanks for the tip. Turn around.

Sandra Polk: Demon and I had an interesting relationship. Rivals from afar, I guess you'd say. I heard what happened to him.

Lindsay: He was wearing a suit just like yours when he died. Do you have any idea where he got it?

Sandra Polk: Word got out he broke a 100 miles per hour. So I sent him a suit, along with some ceramic bearings.

Danny: It's awfully nice of you to send a gift to someone who just broke your speed record.

Sandra Polk: My record's official. His wasn't. But I was curious to see what he could do with some real gear. An even playing field.

Danny: Did you ride Graveyard night before last?

Lindsay: We walked that stretch of road. We found one of your wheels melted. It had accelerant all over it.

Danny: It's the same juice that sent Demon to hell.

Sandra Polk: All right. I went out there. My sponsors would kill me if they knew I was racing unofficially. But I just wanted to see if I could match Demon's speed on the same course... I got up to about 96. Then I flamed out.

Danny: Anyone out there to see the sparks fly?

Sandra Polk: No. I didn't want anyone to know I was there.

Lindsay: Why not?

Danny: 'Cause you were nervous that you'd lose your title, right? That prize money and endorsements on the line. You didn't want to get burned by the underdog. So you decided to burn him first and send him a spiked suit.

Sandra Polk: Look, I don't have a clue who killed Demon. But I can tell you one thing. It wasn't me. You guys think we’re just a bunch of street-happy skate punks. But this sport is my life. The last thing I’m gonna do is screw it up by taking someone else's.

Mr. Szabo: Come on, do you really think I'm going to kill someone over a city contract?

Flack: Worth close to five million dollars? Yeah, I do.

Mac: So will a jury.

Mr. Szabo: I've been a dedicated city employee for twelve years. You'd think when I try to branch out a little, start my own company, those years would count for something. You know what? It didn't count for squat. City went with low-bid, like they always do. Gave the contract to some foreign company in Switzerland. Is that fair?

Mac: A woman lost her life inside that bathroom because of your reckless abandon and your greed. You want to talk about fair? Go talk to her family.

DOA For A Day [4.15]

Mac: Make no mistake. This woman will be armed and very dangerous. She's a shooter. Killing is nothing more than an instinct. During our last pursuit, I saw her cut down an unarmed civilian without blinkin' an eye, so she will not think twice about putting a bullet in you. Play it smart.

Sid: (after assessing the vic's cause of death) I'm guessing she was held captive for a long time, tortured and possibly drugged. Any theories?

Mac: This woman murdered people for a living. She was highly skilled. She probably trained to endure torture. Whatever her killer was after, she didn't give it up easily.

Sid: Or give it up at all.

Danny: Hey Linds! [walking up to her, with a tray of test vials]

Lindsay: Oh, Danny! They're beautiful! Nothing says you're special like centrifuge tubes filled with DNA samples.

Danny: I'm not gonna live this down, am I?

Lindsay: Forgetting my birthday? Probably not. Where did you get these?

Danny: Adam found more blood samples on the knife. There was a piece of shrapnel hidden inside the handle. You run the blood he found on the hilt?

Lindsay: [turning] Yup, came back non-human. Send it to serology for protein analysis.

Danny: Lindsay, come on. Guys, we're not wired for remembering dates, okay? We remember sports stats and then steak sides, that's our thing, all right?

Lindsay: [sighs and turns back around] Steak sides? You are so busted!

Angell: (strapping on a kevlar vest, sees Flack staring at her) ...What?

Flack: (gruffly) You look good in a vest.

Angell: (laughs)

Mac: [from behind a pillar, shouting to Suspect X] Who are you?

Suspect X: [reloading her gun] Anyone you want me to be, detective. Lover. Friend. Fantasy. Nightmare. Take your pick.

Mac: Based on the amount of blood leaving your body from that hole I put in your chest, I'll go with dead.

Suspect X: That's not on the list.

Mac: This is all just a game, isn't it? Tell me, what goes through your mind when you end a life.

Suspect X: Besides playing God?

Mac: You don't have much time. Give me something.

Suspect X: A confession? Pulling the trigger is like taking a deep breath of fresh air. Seeing that last little speck of life in their eyes, then when it fades, I don't know. I believe they're going to a better place. [closes her eyes as she dies]

Right Next Door [4.16]

Flack: (about the vic's phone) Her cell's been ringing non-stop.

Mac: She's all dressed up. Someone is calling wondering where she is.

Flack: I don't have the heart to answer it and tell whoever it is the bad news that she's not gonna make it.

Rikki: Last night was just sex. Before my son died, you were just a guy that I smiled at in the hallway and joked with at the mailboxes. What are we doing?

Danny: [cupping her face in his hands]: Making each other feel better because Reuben's gone. There's nothing wrong with that. [kisses Rikki].

Rikki: Danny... One day you're gonna wake up and realize that Ruben's death wasn't your fault. Yes he was with you when he was shot but it was an accident. And me, can't you see, I'm just taking advantage of the guilt you feel so that I don't have to be alone.

Danny: I don't care. I don't care cause I just want this hurt to go away. Don't you?

[Rikki nods her head, Danny kisses her again]

Rikki: I really should go...

Danny: Ok, ok, but this is my shirt and I'm gonna need my shirt back, okay. Before you go...

[Danny starts to unbutton the shirt and kisses her again, Rikki gives in]

Adam: [holding a magnifying glass to some burnt paper] Is this real? You think someone’s in trouble?

Stella: I don't know, Adam. You know, I found these in my apartment after the fire. Now, the edges are singed and the paper's burned, so clearly they were in the apartment before the fire started.

Adam: And you don't recognize the writing?

Stella: No.

Adam: Maybe it's from a friend?

Stella: Oh, and this friend wrote me a note that said, "Help me"?

Adam: Uh, maybe you’re a bad cook.

Danny: I'm gonna get some coffee, you want some coffee?

Lindsay: No, thanks.

Danny: How long are you gonna stay mad at me, Linds?

Lindsay: Oh, is that what this is? Me mad at you?

Danny: Is it still about missing your birthday?... Look, I didn't want to go to lunch yesterday. Why do you have to make a big deal out of it?

Lindsay: (bitingly) Do me a favor, Danny, don't reduce me to some shallow clingy girlfriend that's starting to suffocate you, OK? That's not what this is about! Ever since Ruben Sandoval died... I feel like I've lost my best friend. And don't mistake this for jealousy ok, I know what it's like to lose someone you care about, to see them one day and not see them the next and to know you're never see them again. I would never expect you not to grieve, but clearly you've just decided to do it all on your own... OK, I get it [stands up to leave]. My mistake for thinking that you might need somebody to lean on. And you know, for the record, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself because I've fallen in love with you and I have to figure out how to let that go. [leaves the room almost in tears]

Stella: So much of this case doesn't make any sense. How does the fire play into all of this and why does a six-year-old little girl even know how to use a lighter? [Mac is giving her a look] What?

Mac: For the last two days I've been trying to figure out how to gingerly tell you to sit this one out. Go deal with the loss of your home, take care of yourself. But I realize now what a total waste of my breath it would have been.

(After Stella leaves)

Danny: [looks at Lindsay Lindsay. [pauses as she looks at him] I'm sorry. We should... We should talk.

Like Water For Murder [4.17]

Flack: I hear you have an inspector in-house.

Stella: Yeah, I think, at some point, she worked with Mac. They were both up for his job.

Flack: He doesn't mind her looking over his shoulder?

Stella: Actually, it's weird, he seems to be fine with it.

Flack: Is she pretty? This inspector? [she gives him a look as he smiles] Just sayin'.

Mac: [talks with Lindsay about leaving evidence unattended] You were in the lab with Danny. Inspector Shelby...

Lindsay: Oh, but Danny was right there. I mean, I'm sure that he put it away. [realizing she's caught] Oh, that's a bad excuse. Mac, I... I'm sorry. I know it's my responsibility. I know we're talking about evidence that could convict somebody of murder.

Mac: Lindsay, to tell you the truth, I'm more concerned about you.

Lindsay: I'm okay, Mac.

Mac: [sternly] You put up a good front, but whatever is or is not going on between you and Danny, you cannot let it affect your job.

Lindsay: I should never have gotten involved with somebody I work with. It was stupid, really stupid.

Quinn Shelby: I still have a thing for you. Why didn't you ever call me?

Mac: Quinn, I was married.

Quinn Shelby: It was just a kiss, Mac. I know... a moment of weakness.

Mac: It was a mistake. I loved my wife.

Quinn Shelby: Don't I know it? Every day I worked alongside you, you never let me forget that.

Mac: It wasn't my intention to make things difficult.

Quinn Shelby: You know, I've thought about this moment so many times, about what I would say to you when I finally got the chance. And here I am, and all I keep thinking is... does he ever wonder what if?

Admissions [4.18]

Mac & Stella: [In unison] Who discovered the body?

Flack: You two've been working together way too long. A student came in looking for her keys and "boom".

Mac: Boom? You and Danny have been working together way too long.

Hawkes: [formulating on the board] Silicon Dioxide plus four molecules of hydrofluoric acid produces...

Danny: Oh me, me, me, pick me! [takes a marker and writes on the board].

Hawkes: That's cold, man.

Danny: [has written N(e)R(d)! on the board]

Student: [about a dead teacher] Mr. Gregs was an inspiring mentor, the kinda man I'd like to be in 20 years, only making 50 times more money. It's sad when such a young life is taken from us before... [cut off by Flack].

Flack: Stop. Just stop.

Mac: [about all the calls he’s been getting] Every five minutes it's someone else. Half the brass wants me working the cabdriver serial.

Flack: But you caught a murder at an elite prep school whose alumni contribute half the mayor's campaign funds.

Mac: Not to mention Deputy Inspector Gerrard's daughter is a student here. Until we catch this cabdriver, my phone's not gonna stop ringing.

Sid: [about the hydrofluoric acid that killed the teacher] You have any idea how often I've wondered what would happen if you swallowed this stuff? And there it is sitting on the shelf, perhaps the most corrosive acid known to man. You just get that urge to take a swig, you know what I'm talking about?

Mac: Absolutely. It's like when ever I pick up a scalpel, I wonder if I could perform a live autopsy on myself.

Sid: You do that too, 'cuz I thought I was... [turns to realize Mac is joking] Don't play with me like that.

Hawkes:: [upon seeing the indoor plants] Are you serious? This is peyote!

Danny: Marijuana seeds, shrooms.

Hawkes: Looks like someone was growing their own magic garden.

Danny: Right under the faculty's nose, man.

Hawkes: Sometimes too much education may be a dangerous thing.

Hank: Smart enough to maintain a 3.45 GPA in the city's best prep school. Hell, if I'd given a crap when I was actually in high school, I could have gone on to become the successful lawyer type.

Lindsey: Instead you went on to become the successful scumbag rapist type.

Hank: Tomato, tomato.

Personal Foul [4.19]

Flack: Hell of a game, Mess.

Danny: Yeah. Glad you could make it.

Flack: Me too. You should piss Lindsay off more often.

Flack: [Danny and Flack are at the basketball game talking about the guy winning $1 million] Never gonna happen!

Danny: Why, you think you could do it?

Flack: You're kidding me? Boom, nothing but net, baby!

Danny: Oh.

Paula: [Drawing the name] Section 214, Row E, Seat 5.

Dougan: That's me. [runs down to court.]

Paula: Hey, what's your name?

Dougan: Dougan Scott.

Paula: You ready to take your shot for a million bucks, Dougan?

Dougan: Oh yeah!

Announcer: Alright New York fans, let's get ready to cheer on Dougan Scott for the $1 million shot.

Danny: Oh, I think he can do it!

Flack: No, he can't.

Danny: Wanna make a little wager?

Flack: 50 bucks.

Danny: I hate to take a colleague's money but for you, I'll be happy to make the exception! Come on!

Danny: [finding the victims seats] I'm surprised he didn't kick the bucket from altitude sickness with these seats.

Lindsay: That or the nachos.

Mac: Today I got a call from the widow of Ben Melvoy.

Stella: The attorney from Jersey.

Mac: They had a toddler and a newborn and were two weeks away from celebrating their tenth anniversary. Then he gets in the wrong cab.

Stella: My God.

Mac: But you know what hit me the hardest? She couldn't have been sweeter; held it together; didn't even cry. All she asked me to do was stop this killer from hurting someone else. In spite of all the heartache and bloodshed he's causing, the only thing I could really offer her was... an apology. Are we gonna get this guy?

Stella: We have to. We have to.

Mac: You made up a story implying I was the source.

Reed: Look, what do you want me to say? I am getting 20,000 hits a day. People like to read my blog.

Mac: Which is exactly why you should be more careful what you say.

Reed: We don't have time for careful, Mac. We have a serial killer to catch.

Mac: No, Reed. I have a serial killer to catch. You just want a headline. But I get it. So out of love and respect for your mother I'll give you an exclusive. You ready? Watch who you mess with.

Reed: Is that a threat from you or from the killer?

Mac: Both.

[Danny calls Lindsay on the phone as she strolls down the street]

Lindsay: Hey.

Danny: [in his apartment] Hey, where are you?

Lindsay: I'm taking a rain walk. It's a Montana thing. You wouldn't understand.

Danny: Yeah, maybe I would. Maybe there's a lot of things that I... that I understand now. How about that?

Lindsay: Yeah, like what?

Danny: How sorry I am for pushing you away.

Lindsay: Danny, I tried to give you your space, but I don't know how much longer I can feel alone. It's messing with my work. It's breaking my heart.

Danny: I know, no; I know, I do. I swear to God it won't happen again. 'Cause the truth is... truth is I miss you... I miss you more than I can say even if, uh, I don't know how to say it.

Lindsay: Do you have any idea how hard you are to love?

Danny: [smiling] Why don't you come over here and tell me in person? Please.

Lindsay: [stops walking for a moment] I gotta go...

Taxi [4.20]

[after a dead New Jersey cop in dumped front of the NYPD precinct and Flack is almost run over]

Flack: Look, I know I sound like an idiot. It was a yellow cab. That's all I've got.

Mac: Who's your source, Reed? Who told you about the carvings on the neck?

Reed: I don't know his name.

Mac: How do you get in touch with him?

Reed: He contacts me.

Mac: What's he look like?

Reed: I can't tell you that.

Mac: You can and you will.

Reed: Look, when I wanted a story, you stayed true to the code of your office and now I'm staying true to mine.

Mac: This is not a game. An innocent man is dead.

Reed: What are you talking about?

Mac: Your blog! You accused a driver named Jimmy of being the Cabbie Killer.

Reed: I didn't accuse anybody. I reported the information that I was given.

Mac: Without confirming it! Jimmy, the cabdriver was also known as Police Officer James Chameides. He was moonlighting as a cabbie out of Five Brothers Garage.

Reed: No, wait a minute. I thought Chameides was the work of the Cabbie Killer. He was, was, he was dumped from a cab.

Mac: His own cab. After he was brutally beaten and murdered by three men, vigilante justice. Now, where do you think they got the idea that Jimmy was the Cabbie Killer?

Reed: You're not blaming me for this guy's death.

Mac: I'm blaming you for putting a target on his back.

Stella: How'd it go with Reed?

Mac: How do you think it went?

Stella: I think you pushed. And he got mad and refused to give up his source. And then one of you stormed off.

Mac: Well, if you told me that before, you could've saved me the trip.

Stella: Come on, Mac. He's 23 years old. It’s his first real job. He just wants to succeed and can't see beyond that. Is he really any different than you and I were at that age?

Mac: People are dying. I don’t have time for the understanding approach.

Stella: Okay. Well, Reed found out about those carvings. We need to find his source. Don't let your pride get in the way.

Cabbie Killer: The newly dead who have coins to pay for the ride must be taken across the river or they'll wander the banks for a hundred years.

Reed: [nervous] Okay. Do you want me to, do you want me to write that? Is that what you want me to say?

Cabbie Killer: No! Don't you see? They think I’m insane! They call me the Cabbie Killer! Use your words. Let them see me deliver the message, to the doomed. Make them understand.

Reed: You gonna kill me?

Cabbie Killer: Only those who have the golden branch can cross the river while still alive and return to this world. Type! Now!

Jordan: I'm not trying to give you a hard time here, Stella. Don't make me the villain. I'm on your side. I just wish you were on mine.

Stella: What's that supposed to mean?

Jordan: Why am I the last to know that Reed is practically Mac's son?

Stella: It wasn't my place to share that information.

Hostage [4.21]

Flack: [sarcastically] Have I told you how much I love the media?

Mac: This could have been an accident.

Gunman Joe: No, it wasn't an accident. I'm not gonna let you pin this murder on me.

Mac: Calm down, Joe. No one's doing that.

Gunman Joe: You don't think I know what's going on out there? Your friends are out there trying to figure out a way to get in here without killing a lot of innocent people. They don't give a damn about me. 'Cause they think I'm a murderer. And you know what that means? That means they'll put a bullet in me the first chance they get. That's why I'm not leaving here until you prove that I didn't pull that trigger. And if I'm not leaving, nobody's leaving.