CSI: NY (season 1)

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CSI: NY (September 2004 – February 2013) is an American police procedural television series set in New York City. It is a spinoff of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and CSI: Miami.

Blink [1.01]

Jason: I never saw that house. I swear on my grandmother.

Don: Let me arrest him for swearing on his grandmother.

Stella: What time did you get in?

Mac: I never went home.

Stella: Can't sleep?

Mac: What's sleep?

[sitting with their comatose victim in the hospital]

Mac: I used to sit like this with my wife. Her name was Claire. She died, on 9/11. Nobody saw it coming. I was cleaning out the closet the other day and I found this beach ball. And I remembered it was my wife who blew it up. I never told anybody this, but I got rid of everything that reminded me of Claire; too painful. The one thing I couldn't throw away...was that beach ball. Her breath is still in there.

Danny: You hear about that body?

Stella: The one by the River Cafe? Yeah, I caught it on the police portable when I was in the shower.

Danny: Why doesn't that surprise me?

Stella: The job never stops, Danny.

Danny: No pictures, no personal effects, not a partial, nothing. What's this guy live in, gloves?

Aiden: [shining blacklight on a sheet with semen traces] I'm gettin' all kinds of love over here.

Danny: I think he got tipped off.

Aiden: I think he got off.

Creatures of the Night [1.02]

Mac: [to Stella] Use your head, not your heart.

[Flack apprehends a suspect at a restaurant]

Suspect: Hey! I didn’t do nothing man.

Flack: Yeah? You got steak sauce all over my shoes.

Stella: She was in Central Park.

Mac: Looks like we've got ourselves an 800-acre crime scene.

Mac: Aiden's on rodent patrol, I'm waiting to do a rat-topsy.

Stella: Rape and rats. Worlds apart.

Aiden: NYPD. Crime Scene Investigators.

Shop-keeper: You people deal with rats?

Aiden: Only when they have eaten our evidence.

American Dreamers [1.03]

Mac: If this is a joke, I'm not laughing. These bones are real.

[A skeleton has been found on a tour bus in Times Square]

Stella: How long is this tour? [Mac looks at her disbelievingly] That's funny.

[A piece of paper was retrieved from the dead teenager on which only three letters could be read]

Stella: Playing hangman?

Mac: Actually, yes. But I've run out of letters.

Mac: Reality rarely lives up to expectation. Especially if you're a teenager.

Stella: If this case taught us anything, it was to live life.

Grand Master [1.04]

[They arrive at a Japanese restaurant known for serving food on half-naked women]

Stella: Now that can't be sanitary.

Danny: Who cares if it's sanitary? I wanna see the menu.

Stella: Are you going to be able to focus?

Danny: [watching a half-naked woman walking by] I'm all over it.

Flack: George Thomas. Assault in the first degree. Aggravated assault in the second degree. Criminal possession of a weapon. I can go on, but I already read War and Peace.

[They just arrested a young woman at the sushi bar]

Danny: Here we are looking for the murderer at the table...

Stella: And here, the murderer is the table.

Mac: You should hear Aiden talk about this hip-hop world. Close your eyes, she sounds like Queen Latifah.

Hawkes: What do you know about Queen Latifah?

A Man A Mile [1.05]

Danny: [to Tom Zito] I guess that dent in your head only affects the things you want to forget.

Danny: I don't know how these guys work down here.

Mac: The same way we're going to. Rock by rock.

Mac: Are you bathophobic?

Danny: I'm not anything-phobic. There are just a few things that shake me up. 700 feet of granite between me and daylight is one of them.

Tom Zito: If it's deeper than a grave and it's in New York City, the sandhogs built it. Commuter tunnels, subway tunnels, water tunnels. Without us, there's no New York City.

Mac: [seeing the DA waiting for them at the elevators] Personal visit from the DA's office?

Danny: What happened? You got lost on your way to a press conference? Or are you just checking up on us?

Outside Man [1.06]

Hawkes: Apart from the fact of it not being attached to a person, there's nothing wrong with this finger.

[Stella talks to wife of man obsessed with amputating his leg]

Stella: You'll have to make arrangements with the ME's office for his body.

Wife: He didn't want his body when he was alive. I certainly don't want it now that he's dead.

Danny: Criminals are like animals. They leave tracks, we follow them.

Danny: [after finding a key piece of evidence in the garbage] Next time I say a case is in the garbage, remind me of this moment?

Danny: [after matching up tear marks on a bag] This case is in the bag.

Rain [1.07]

Stella: There's something gooey here.

Mac: Gooey? There's a good forensic word. Gooey. I'll have to use that more.

Mac: Some sort of 'gooey' residue on the top of the piece of paper.

Stella: [smirks] Great choice of words.

[Flack walks up to Willet with Aiden while introducing themselves as cops]

Luther Willett: Wow, cops round here just get prettier every day.

Flack: Watch it.

Luther Willet: Oh, hey, don't get upset. I just got out of prison. You both look good to me. [Willet smirks]

Mac: And you're sure this came from Hummel's gun?

Danny: Absolutely. He doesn't deny discharging his weapon.

Mac: But?

Danny: If Marvin's story is true about what happened, and he was shooting at the bad guys -- this bullet discharged from his gun and stopped midair and then turned left and then hit the pillar.

Flack: Gotta wear a mask to a bank robbery. It's a rule.

Three Generations Are Enough [1.08]

Mac: A paranoid schizophrenic's worst nightmare.

Stella: He doesn't just think we're out to get him. We are.

Danny: With all this cash lying around, you'd think a guy could afford new rounds.

Mac: With all the evidence we've collected, you'd think we could find Charles Langdon.

[Paul Streyzewski is saying how he kissed the vic]

Flack: Now, how does that thought process work? 'There's the mother of my child on the ground dead. I should probably call 9-1-1 but let me get a little action first.'

[Hawkes and Stella are figuring out Trina's official cause of death]

Stella: So, we've got a murder.

[Hawkes nods]

Stella: Now all we have to do is find the crime scene that goes with it.

Mac: Somebody went to a lot of trouble to file those serial numbers off.

Aiden: And I went to a lot of trouble to acid etch them back on.

Officer Blue [1.09]

Mac: You're a fine CSI, Stella. I can honestly say, I wouldn't do this job without you.

Stella: Yes, you would. You just wouldn't be as good.

Mac: [smiles] Maybe.

Flack: We sent the word out and got next to nothing. I spoke to a lot of eyewitnesses. I got everything under the sun. He was shot from a tree. He fell off his horse and shot himself. One lady said aliens came down. This city's full of nuts.

Flack: [to Willey Chancey] Your last call was 18 minutes long. What? Was she giving you phone sex?

Chancey: Yeah. You want the number?

Stella: We haven't had a fight like that in a long time. Reminds me of the old Mac Taylor.

Mac: What old Mac Taylor is that?

Stella: The one who let his heart out of his chest every once in a while.

Jerald Brown: Willie and I just picked any pig cop. An eye for an eye.

Mac: You shot a New York City police officer. He wasn't just a cop, he was somebody's son. He made somebody proud at home. When you shot him through the back, you shot those people through the heart. [Mac stands up] From where I stand... you're the one that should be put to death. No trial, no jury. Eye for an eye.

Night, Mother [1.10]

[Aiden tries to pick the pocket of a training dummy without ringing the bell, but she can't]

Danny: You're such a girl.

Aiden: [smacking him in the head] Shut up.

Flack: I'm telling you, Mac, she killed Rachel Camden.

Mac: What's your rush to put this woman away?

Flack: You saw her. What's your rush not to?

Mac: In all my years of doing this, there's one thing I've learned. Sometimes the slam dunks are the most deceiving.

Stella: You know what they say about keeping condoms in your wallet?

Jason: They get holes.

Stella: Just like your story.

[Stella has confronted a suspect about a murdered woman]

Jason: I fell in love with her.

Stella: Trust me. You're gonna get plenty of love where you're going.

Stella: Uh-oh.

Mac: What?

Stella: You hear that?

Mac: Hear what?

Stella: It's your mind racing again.

Tri-Borough [1.11]

Aiden: So, mass spec went crazy with this odor that we found from our head wound vic. I've got words here longer than DiMaggio's hit streak.

Flack: Deodorizers? That guy smelled like ass!

Mac: Slick was dead before he hit the subway tracks.

Stella: So, we're looking at an electrocution to cover up an electrocution.

Aiden: [figures out that a frozen chunk of human excrement had fallen from the sky and killed the victim] Holy crap!

Aiden: Anybody see anything?

Flack: When does anybody ever see anything?

Flack: You're telling me a crapsicle killed this guy?

Recycling [1.12]

Stella: All right, Danny. How does the DNA from the fingernail scrapings on the knife not match Brett Stokes? I mean, she's got 'motive' tattooed on her forehead.

Danny: Hey, don't kill the messenger...see what I did there?

Stella: Cute.

[Stella has just won a bet that she and Mac made on the outcome of the dog show]

Mac: You're going to make me pay?

Stella: Yeah, I'm going to make you pay.

Mac: I thought you were kidding.

Stella: Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

[Danny is looking through a ladies' magazine, looking for a sample of lotion found on a murder weapon]

Stella: You know, if you wanted beauty tips, all you had to do was ask.

Danny: Did you know that waterproof mascara dries out your eyelashes? That's amazing!

[Danny and Stella question a pedophile about a murder]

Danny: Usually when you stab somebody, you know the guy's name. It's just common courtesy.

Theodore Gates: Well, I didn't stab anyone. [to Stella] What on earth is he talking about?

Stella: Your DNA was found on the knife that was used to stab Michael Starling.

Theodore Gates: I see. Was it a Swiss Army Knife?

Danny: Nice job, you got it on the first try.

Theodore Gates: [to Stella] Is it necessary that he be here?

Danny: What? What's the matter, am I too old for you?

[the magazine vendor, Mark Stutz, just explained he stabbed the messenger because he was sick and tired of bikers acting like they own the area]

Stella: [disgusted] Pedestrian rage. Why do I even ask?

[at that moment, a bike messenger speeds by, giving little warning, almost running Stella over]

Stella: Son of a bitch!

Mark Stutz: Makes you want to murder 'em, don't it?

Stella: Get in the car.

Tanglewood [1.13]

Mac: We've got the best forensics tool money can't buy. Snow.

[Stella sees a Derek Jeter bobblehead on the dashboard of an SUV she and Mac are processing]

Stella: Who is that on the dashboard? Mickey Mantle?

Mac: Looks kind of like Derek Jeter.

Stella: Derek Jeter from the Yankees, right?

Mac: Yeah.

Stella: Didn't they get beat by Boston or something?

Mac: We were up three to zero and then we got swept. But we're trying to forget that.

Stella: I'm not much into baseball, but A-Rod's kind of hot.

Danny: So this is where it all goes down.

Aiden: Or up. Make sure you keep your gloves on.

Danny: You know, I didn't think it would be this clean.

Aiden: Come on. Act like you've never been to a place like this before.

Danny: You kidding me? I've got girlfriends for that. Why would I pay?

Aiden: All right, you. You're paying one way or another, trust me.

Stella: Hey Mac, I got pearls.

Mac: Pearls? From who?

Stella: Not those kinds of pearls. I've got good news on our case.

[to Sonny Sassone, a member of the self-proclaimed "next generation" of the Mafia]

Mac: Let me tell you something about the Mob. Back in their heyday, these old timers, they dealt in death and violence because of one thing: business. Not sport. They were smart. You punks are idiots.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears [1.14]

Mac: The stereotype is kids run away to join the circus. Where do kids already in the circus go?

Stella: Apparently the elephant enclosure.

[after finding a body in a box]

Mac: Pretty sure this isn't the buried treasure our swimmer had in mind.

Stella: Coney Island, February, water's 35 degrees. These people still find the need to take a dip, I don't get it.

Mac: That's why you're not a polar bear.

Flack: Both the super and the downstairs neighbor say they haven't seen her in over a week.

Danny: Yeah, well that don't mean anything. I've lived in my apartment over three years now. My neighbors don't recognize me.

Flack: Better hope you don't go missing, pal.

Jason Cartey: I am not a criminal.

Flack: Yes, you are. We're just trying to figure out what kind.

Stella: Until now I never really believed people were double-jointed.

Mac: They're not. There's no such thing as double-jointed. It's just people with very loose tendons and muscles.

Til Death Do We Part [1.15]

Mac: It could happen to you, you know.

Danny: What, marriage?

Mac: Love.

Danny: Don't even joke about that, Mac. It's not funny.

Aiden: Did you find anything else?

Flack: I haven't gone in yet.

Aiden: What?? Flack, you little scaredy cat, you don't believe these stories about this place being haunted?

Flack: I was doing my job, Aiden: getting statements from witnesses.

Aiden: Stel, you smell that?

Stella: Yeah. Chicken. Well, I did hear the one about the monk who went crazy and killed the others is true.

Flack: The 1-2-2 gets calls about strange noises coming from this place all the time.

Aiden: Will you stop? That's just an old urban legend.

Stella: Aiden, I think you'd better hold Flack's hand.

Flack: Yeah, okay...cute.

Flack: Lot of high school kids hang out here. Initiations, gangs, satanic rituals...

Aiden: A good place to get high...or get laid.

Maka: [about Hannah Bloom] Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'cold feet'.

Danny: If I said something like that, you'd call me insensitive.

Maka: No, I'd ask if you wanted to get a drink later. I'm attracted to a man with a dark sense of humor.

Mac: Do you two want to be alone? I'll just drag the body outside.

Audrey: Walter dumped me and I was angry, but I got over it. Look, Walter introduced me to Hannah, I liked her we became friends, what motive do I possibly have to kill her?

Mac: Walter Lisco is worth over $50 million.

Audrey: Well I promised my mother I'd marry for love.

Mac: Who couldn't love $50 million?

Hush [1.16]

[Stella and Mac stare at the flattened victim]

Stella: I'm going to call Hawkes.

Mac: Tell him to bring a spatula.

Danny: You hungry?

Aiden: Yeah

Danny: Grab a bite to eat?

[Aiden nods]

Danny: I'll drive. Put you on the hood?

Aiden: [she smacks his arm] Put you on the hood.

[Danny laughs]

Danny: You take the bottom. I'll take the top.

Aiden: I like being on top.

Danny: What? You getting freaky with me because we got the bondage case?

Danny: Get that to Jane Parsons in DNA.

Aiden: Okay

Danny: [cracks whip] NOW!

Det. Vicaro: [to Aiden and Danny who have just arrived at the crime scene] Hey, do you guys want to identify yourselves?

Danny: Excuse me?

Det. Vicaro: I'm not recognizing faces, do you want to identify yourselves?

Danny: Who are you the crime scene troll? You want us to identify ourselves, you see the kits, you know who we are.

The Fall [1.17]

Danny: Most feared man in New York dies from fear of his own wife.

Aiden: And she was the only one that loved him.

Flack: I really wish I wasn't a part of this.

Stella: Well, Mac wants to make sure you are.

Flack: He obviously enjoys seeing me nail a friend.

[investigating the scene above the canopy]

Aiden: Well, too bad birds can't talk because there's a robin's nest like twelve feet away.

Danny: Bird's-eye view.

Aiden: [laughing] You had to say it, right?

Danny: What are ya gonna do?

Flack: Mac?

Mac: What?

Flack: If it was his son...

Mac: Flack, I need your head on straight.

Flack: It is.

Stella [about her training officer] I ran into mine a month ago. I swear, if I were Chief of Police, he'd still call me 'Toots'.

The Dove Commission [1.18]

Aiden: [walking into a strip club] Holy boob-job, Batman.

Danny: How's it going with the gypsy cab driver? Did you bring him back to life so he can just tell us who killed him?

Hawkes: I haven't attended that seminar yet.

[Danny is questioning a Mr. Arnold, who just admitted to being at a strip club]

Danny: I'm sure you were just sharing stock tips with her, right? What's her name?

Mr Arnold: Savannah. But, you know, I don't think it was her real name.

Danny: Nah. You think?

Hawkes: You know what my favorite games was when I was a kid?

Mac: Jacks?

Sheldon: Operation.

[He holds up a pair of tweezers and then uses them to remove a bullet from the body of a gunshot victim]

Mac: His nose didn't buzz red. Well done!

Crimes & Misdemeanors [1.19]

Mac: [to Stella] I love the smell of a cover-up in the afternoon, don't you?

Stella: What do you do when you can't sleep?

Mac: Work.

Stella: What do normal people do when they can't sleep? [Mac looks confused] They flip the pillows to the cooler side! [Mac realizes what she means and they flip the mattress to show a yellow discolored spot] Bleach heaven! I'm starting to get frustrated!

Mac: [uses his knife and cuts down to the springs showing blood] Don't get mad...Get even!

Tom Martin: Your tactics don't frighten me.

Mac: It's not my tactics you need to worry about. It's my results.

Mac So she came in with the sheets? Where'd they come from?

Flack: Hotels. Don't worry there's only about seventy thousand hotels in this town.

Stella: And about seventy thousand possible motives!

Mac: I'll take those odds!

Tom Martin: There are a lot of men in this country who look like me. Average.

Mac Don't sell yourself short. You're unique. Or at least your blood is.

Supply and Demand [1.20]

Flack: There's nothing more depressing than looking at a rich kid's moneyline.

[Stella and Flack just leave a loud altercation with Jordan, her father, and their lawyer]

Flack: When I'm the cooler head, you know you blew it.

Stella: I blew it? What about Buffy the friend-slayer over there?

Hawkes: The fatal shot to the head was an act of mercy after the beating he took.

Mac: What did the witness see?

Flack: Nothing. She heard a ruckus through her wall, then the gunshot, discovered him here.

Mac: She ran towards the sound of a gunshot? Must not be a New Yorker.

Flack: [grinning] She's from South Carolina. The whole building's full of students.

Aiden: Give me your hands.

Shaun Deroy: What's the magic word?

Aiden: Hands!

Shaun Deroy: I wonder how much damage I could do in the two seconds it would take that guard to get in here.

Aiden: Palms up!

Shaun Deroy: I believe I asked you a question.

Aiden: And I'm tellin' you to step back!

Shaun Deroy: Why don't you make...

[Aiden tasers him]

On the Job [1.21]

Stella: Any idea what they used to hit her?

Hawkes: There's granular particulate matter in her wound. At first I thought it was dirt, but then I took it under the autopsy scope: feldspar, quartz, and a pinch of mica.

Stella: Granite.

Hawkes: Yeah.

Stella: So, the murder weapon was a rock.

Hawkes: And judging from the head wound, I would be looking for a rock with a V-shaped edge.

Stella: [sarcastically] Oh, well that's good to know. Narrows down my search.

Mac: You are the man of many talents.

Hawkes: You know, there was this time I wanted to be a sculptor. [Mac looks surprised]

Flack: Don't hang yourself, Danny.

Danny: You want to know what this feels like? It feels like I'm already being hung.

The Closer [1.22]

[Stella's pager goes off]

Stella: Dispatch, I have the feeling it's going to be a very busy day. Want to switch jobs?

Hawkes: Oh, yeah, sure. You'll be cutting off that guy's right arm and left leg.

Stella: I'm leaving now. Thank you.

Stella: Why haven't you taken your wedding ring off?

Mac: Because, uh, I don't know. I don't want to.

Aiden: How does a potential shortstop become a crime-scene investigator?

Danny: That's real easy. Get into a fight, break your wrist, and then graduate from the police academy, top of my class.

Aiden: Dangerous, Danny Messer.

Danny: Very dangerous.

Mac: When the Towers fell and Claire died, it was the clearest definition of what is unjust and unfair in this world, and I was powerless to do anything about it.

Mac: [examining the woman who was hit by a car] No clothes, no shoes, no handbag, just lace.

Stella: If this is the new look for spring, you can count me out.

What You See is What You See [1.23]

Mac: [to Stella] That's what I like about you; you always get the details right.

Mac: Make any headway with the D.A. finding out who's handling our C.I.?

Flack: Textbook example of an departmental turf battle -- Steve Collins might as well be handled by E.T., as far as I can find out.

Mac: That's why we don't rely on eyewitness testimony. I saw what I saw, but the evidence knows what was really going on.

[Mac is out on his first "date" since his wife died]

Rose Whitley: I didn't think you'd come.

Mac: I'm here.

Mac: [to a captured counterfeiter] Once Steve came out of the bathroom, it all would have gone down as you planned it. Except something happened: I walked in. You may be an expert on the manipulation of bistable colorstaric crystals, but you wouldn't know a police officer if one walked right by you. Clark made me the second I walked in.