Archer (season 8)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 - Vice 6 7 8 - Dreamland | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season Archer Dreamland.

Archer Dreamland: No Good Deed [8.01]

Lana: What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?

Archer: Bullets?

Lana: Daily.

Archer: Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?

Lana: Uh-huh?

Archer: And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?

Lana: Uh-huh.

Archer: And then, maybe...

Lana: I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.

Pam: Everything is my business.

Archer: Oh, including white slavery?

Pam: What?

Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.

Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.

Archer: Yeah, so...

Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"

Archer: [gasps in disbelief] Uh, I don't know, racist!

Pam: White slavery is just as racist!

Archer: WHAT??

Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-

Archer: Jesus Christ!

Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-

Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.

Pam: Okayyyy!

Archer: Goddammit.

Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.

Poovey: I don't know what the hell you're going to do.

Archer: Well, that makes two of us!

Archer Dreamland: Berenice [8.02]

Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.

Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.

Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.

Cheryl: I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.

Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!

Archer: What?! No I don't, I...

Cheryl: Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.

Archer: No, she...wait, really?

Cheryl: Absolutely!

Archer: Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --

Cheryl: Just admit that you like her!

Archer: Well, yeah, of course I --

Cheryl: [yells to room] Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!

Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe [8.03]

Archer: I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -

Cliff: Oh now you got a "but."

Archer: ...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.

Floyd: WOW.

Verl: Words fail me.

Archer: Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...

Pam: So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.

Archer Dreamland: Ladyfingers [8.04]

Archer: I really wish we hadn't have done that.

Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.

Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.

Poovey: Hollow that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.

Cecil: I'm afraid I'm going to ask for proof that you actually have Charlotte.

Archer: What kind of -- wait. Oh no.

Cecil: Yes, I'm afraid I require...a finger.

Archer: Uh, I could bring you her! Just drive by the house, she could wave to you.

Cecil: Ummmm, nope.

Archer: I...that's...then how 'bout a photo of her holding today's newspaper?

Cecil: Ummmm, well now that could work!

Archer: Yeah!

Cecil: Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers.

Archer: Ugh, goddammit.

Archer Dreamland: Sleepers Wake [8.05]

Cyril/Figgis: As the Lord our God Himself is my witness, upon the conclusion of my current business, I shall return to this place, and visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction that you will rue, RUE, the very fact of your miserable birth!!

Coroner: [munches on hot dog] I'll be here!

Charlotte/Cheryl: You're not planning to blindfold me and hide me in a bomb shelter with limited oxygen and send my family cryptic notes about how to find me in a race against time for my life?

Mother/Malory: Who are you, collective pseudonym Carolyn Keene?

Charlotte/Cheryl: What?

Mother/Malory: Who would go through all that trouble?

Charlotte/Cheryl: Johann Schmidt, a.k.a The Red Skull in my Nazi kidnap/rape fantasy.

Mother/Malory: Ewwww.

You say that with the confidence of a man who has a lot longer to live. Len Traxler

Are you kidding? Dreamland has a whole goddamn Nazi robot farm in the basement. In THIS economy!

Dutch Dylan/Barry

Archer Dreamland: Waxing Gibbious [8.06]

Oh, Come on, white? divorced?, cop? Access to a firearm? Cuckold? Statistically, you're already dead.

Pam Poovey

Archer Dreamland: Gramercy, Halberd! [8.07]

Trexler: Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, =

Archer: Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much... [swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle] Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about - [drives car over Dutch]

Everyone: Oh my God.

Lana: Archer, wait!

Archer: Or the one about - [drives car over Dutch again]

Lana: Archer!

Archer: Or here's one! Knock knock? [drives car over Dutch again]

Archer: Typical! Typical typical typical typical!

Lana: What could possibly have been typical about that?!

Archer: ME! I always do shit like this.

Poovey: Like what?

Archer: All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by GODDAMN ROBOTS!! I mean, [beep] halberts, Jesus Christ!!

Archer Dreamland: Auflösung [8.08]

Krieger: You're better than this! You don't have to be a killer. You can use your powers for the good of all mankind!

Dutch/Barry: Yeah, I could, but I was a murderer before you turned me into a freak so I don't know why you thought this was gonna have a happy ending.

Lana: Hurry up!

Poovey: Jesus! You people would stand in a bread line and ask for toast.

Charlotte: Wait, there's toast?

Mother: WHY would there be toast!?!

Charlotte: Why WOULDN'T there be?