Archer (season 3)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 - Vice 6 7 8 - Dreamland | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the third season Archer.

Heart of Archness: Part I [3.1]

After briefing the photogenic bounty hunter, Rip Riley

Pam: What a hunk!

Cheryl: Total sploosh.

Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Everyone else looks towards Ray, waiting for him to say something.

Ray: ...and whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Malory: But if the emergency beacon is going off -- oh my God, their plane crashed!

Cheryl: (gasps) I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!

Pam: I dunno, just try to only use em for good.

Cheryl: ....no.

Heart of Archness: Part II [3.2]

Archer: Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is... so yeah... this is about as Pirate Kingy as I'm going to get so brief away... Noah... Good Morning.

Heart of Archness: Part III [3.3]

Noah: Can I just run up to my hovel real quick and get the only extant copy of my dissertation?

Archer: Noah, I've still got four bullets.

Noah: Oh God! Do you know what ‘extant’ means?!

Archer: Do you know what ‘License to kill’ means?

Noah: … I’ll write another one.

Archer: The world holds its breath.

Lana: What's your blood type?

Archer: How should I know?

Lana: How could you NOT know?

Archer: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups?

Lana:: So you don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them?

Archer: Now...

The Man from Jupiter [3.4]

Malory: And just how long has he been your hero?

Archer: Since always!

[Scene cuts to a flashback where a younger Archer is dressed as the Bandit, running around in a cardboard box with markings like the Trans Am in the movie Smokey and the Bandit]

Archer: [Singing] Eastbound and dowwwwwn!

[Scene cuts back to Archer and Malory]

Malory: I thought that was Richard Petty.

Archer: Which doesn't even merit a response.

[Burt and Archer are going down an elevator that is taking a long time to get down]

Burt Reynolds: ...You're kidding me.

Archer: I know, it's like, the world's slowest elevator.

Burt Reynolds: ...Why don't you get a bat-pole?

Archer: Nine thousand bucks.

Burt Reynolds: What?

Archer: Lowest quote I got.

Burt Reynolds: Well, that's ridiculous.

Archer: I know. It's just basically putting a pole where the garbage chute is, but all the co-op people were like, "But what are we going to do with all the garbage?"

Burt Reynolds: Well, you just dump the garbage down the same chute. Then you will have a pile of garbage to land on.

Archer: Yeah, if you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.

Burt Reynolds: Plus, you were going to pay for it yourself. No assessment or anything.

Archer: Exactly.

Burt Reynolds: ...Ridiculous.

Archer: Preaching to the choir, pal.

El Contador [3.5]

Malory: Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

Lana, Ray, and Cyril: [simultaneously] What?!

Archer: Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory: Where do you think you're going?

Archer: Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory: Get back in here!

Archer: Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Cheryl: If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.

Pam: Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

[The three toast their mugs and drink the "herbal tea"]

Ray: Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [brightly] I'd have eight nickels!

Lana: Well, go ahead and say it.

Archer: What?

Lana: That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood! ...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family... But, you know... go ahead and start.

The Limited [3.6]

Archer: [Climbing to the top of the moving train] This is going to be awe— SHIIIIITT! [The wind causes Archer to lose his gun] AHHHH! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a... glitter gun! [Puts on night vision goggles] There, that ought to do it. Okay, let's try this aga— [Gets blinded by the lights of a passing train] AAARGHSHIIIITTTT! My retinas are seared like tuna steaks!!! ALL I WANT IS TO FIGHT ON TOP OF A TRAIN! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [Switches off the night-vision on his goggles] The good news is, now I'm furious.

Archer: [to Babou the ocelot while handcuffed in a police car] They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are, which is why I am so happy I saved your life, buddy. [Babou growls and squeaks to him] Don't worry, probably just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe a little bit of jail time, hopefully just probation. [Babou leans forward and urinates on the car seat next to Archer. Archer speaks in a strained voice] Totally worth it. [Babou growls] No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. [more growls] YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

Drift Problem [3.7]

Krieger: Press that red button.

Archer: Is it going to kill everyone?

Krieger: Press that blue button.

[Archer presses the button, activating a recording]

Model: Welcome, Mr. Archer...

Archer: It does know my name!

Model: ...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.

Archer: Thanks, Dodge!

Model: [all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, anti-pursuit countermeasures in the rear.

Archer: It makes the Mach Five look like a vagina.

Model: The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.

Archer: Corinth is famous for its leather!

Model: And of course...

[She opens glove compartment revealing a bar with two bottles of liquor, two glasses, and ice]

Lawyer: [fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.

Malory: Who taught you to drive?

Cheryl: This guy I know called my dead father.

Malory: Oh... I...

Cheryl: Yeah, I bet you feel like a dick.

After Malory has shot a Yakuza member

Malory: That was for Pearl Harbor!

Lo Scandalo [3.8]

Krieger: I needed help... disseminating him.

Cheryl: Eww!

Pam: Not what it means.

Lana: Still pretty gross though.

Krieger: And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray: How small?

Krieger: [holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana: That's... actually pretty smart.

Krieger: And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana: That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril: Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory: Well you've only been here twice.

Ray: Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask.

Pam: And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory: Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger: Yeah, I found it!

Cyril: Found what?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask!

Krieger: Can I keep it?

Cheryl: Keep what?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask!

Malory: Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger: Yeah, take that tone.

Bloody Ferlin [3.9]

Randy Gillet: [pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

Ray: What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!

Randy: Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.

Archer: Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Cheryl: Uh, get in line.

Janelle: Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.

Archer: Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.

Ray: Oh, please don't.

Archer: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.

Ray: So is it just E.Z. coming or...

Randy: No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.

Archer: Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Randy: Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.

Janelle: I'd be delighted.

Ray: [as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...

Archer: Fifth thoughts!

Ray: Archer!

Randy: Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?

Cheryl: [having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Crossing Over [3.10]

[opening line; Archer is nursing a wicked hangover]

Archer: No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Archer: If anyone found out, I'd literally die of shame.

Pam: And how do you think that makes me feel?!

Archer: I don't care, Pam! [Pause] Having said that, would you please come into this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?

Pam: Oh, alright. [As they go into the stall] But this time, really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell!

Skin Game [3.11]

[Archer and Cyborg-Katya are in bed. Cyborg-Katya’s eyes are glowing red]

Archer: Can you close your eyes? It feels like I'm banging tail-lights on a country road.

Barry: Is anybody gonna ask how and why I knew to show up here?

Archer: Is...? Okay, I'll bite.

Barry: By tracking the satellite signal from Katya's internal hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit over there bought from the KGB.

Archer: Krieger!

Krieger: Yeah, but... the savings.

Barry: Like, eighty bucks you saved.

Space Race: Part I [3.12]

Archer: Happy, Cyril?! You just destroyed Alderaan!

Archer: Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?

Space Race: Part II [3.13]

Pam: Holy crapsnack, how is this gonna get—

Archer: Don't, don't you say it.

Pam: Any worse, is what I was gonna say.

Archer: [annoyed and sarcastic] Really?

Pam: [serious] Yes.

Horizon scientist: I heard him tell you to do it.

Kellogg: And I'm telling you to do it.

Horizon scientist: And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!

Archer: [in hiding with Lana and Cyril] Wait, there are animals?

Lana: No, Animal Farm.

Cyril: How do you not get that?

Archer: Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Cyril: Not an animal farm—

Archer: Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Lana: Animal Farm is a book.

Archer: No, it isn't, Lana! It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell! And spoiler alert: IT SUCKS! [Guns are pointed at them by Kellogg and the scientist] Although, I was talking about an actual animal farm. So... never mind.