Wikiquote

Animaniacs (season 1)

first season of the 1993-1998 animated television series Animaniacs
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main

Animaniacs (1993–1998) is an American animated comedy musical television series created by Tom Ruegger. The series premiered on Fox Kids on September 13, 1993. It was moved to Kids' WB on September 9, 1995 and ended on November 14, 1998. RTÉ in Ireland and CNBA1 in Japan.

Episodes

edit

De-Zanitized!/The Monkey Song/Nighty-Night Toon [1.01]

edit
[First lines of the original series]
Narrator: Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters. [The Animator, Lon Borax, draws a wise-cracking, smart-and-fast-talking, oldest sibling with pants with a black belt, a very sweet-natured, loving, laughable, and positive middle sibling with a backwards baseball cap and a pale turtleneck sweater and a cute and sassy youngest sibling with a skirt with a flower ribbon. Then he gets a red marker and paints them on their noses] The Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.
[They jump out of the paper and Dot sits on The Animator and Yakko and Wakko jump on The Nurse]
The Warners: Helllooooo, Nurse!
Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.
[The Trio runs off]
The Warners: [bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!
Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio. Until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released! As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released! Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day- when the Warners escaped!
[Cartoon opens up in Hollywood, present day (1993), outside The Psychiatry Building as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background. Scene changes to inside psychiatrist's office. A WB studio psychiatrist, is on a Chaise lounge couch]
Dr. Scratchansniff: I suppose it would be vise to start at ze very beginning, ja?
Psychaitrist: [offscreen, in a German accent] Proceeded.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [sighs] I was one of the most successful psychoanalysts in all of Hollywood. 50 years ago, I started work at Varner Brothers. [narrating, as scene changes to Hollywood circa 1953] Ah, Varner Brothers, home to some of ze biggest stars in Hollywood.
[ Humphrey Bogart pulls up to a guard]
Ralph the Guard: Ah, good morning, Mr. Biggest Star in Hollywood.
Humphrey Bogart: Morning, sweetheart. [drives into The Warner Bros. Studio.]
[Then Porky Pig pulls up to Ralph]
Ralph: Uh-ah, morning, Porky.
Porky Pig: G-G-G-G-Good muh-muh-muh-muh- [an impatient driver honks at him offscreen] All right! All right! [to Ralph] Hello. [drives into The Warner Bros. Studio]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] Und when the stars had a problem, they came to me.
Young Dr. Scratchansniff: [to Ronald Reagan ] So, tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr. Reagan.
Ronald Reagan: Well, in my dreams, I'm President of the United States.
[Dr. Scratchansniff looks at the audience and smiled uneasy, as if saying "You heard that too, right?", and writes "Delusions of grandeur, Incurable" in his notepad]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating, as scene changes to a wall of photos of Dr. Scratchansniff with various famous Hollywood celebrities, from black and white to color] For years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their secrets, their pain! Ooh, it was so much fun! Und then, just recently, I had just completed a delightfully intense session with Clint Eastwood. Then...it happened.
Crowd: [screams offscreen] What is that?! What's going on up there?!
[The Warner Siblings are first shown at the top of the water tower, blowing kisses and waving their hands.]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] It was them...The Varner Brothers! After years of being locked away in the water tower...they managed to escape!
[The Warner Siblings jump down from the water tower. The crowd panics and scatters as The Warner Siblings run to The Psychiatry Building, running up the front in a circle to Dr. Scratchansniff's window]
Dot: Did you miss us?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I hardly even know you.
Yakko and Wakko: We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot: And the Warner sister!
[They kiss Dr. Scratchansniff on the lips in unison]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Eh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Bleh! [turns to walk away from the window, only to get startled by The Warner Siblings in his office] AAH! Vhat do you vant?
Yakko Alvin Warner: We asked you first.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, I vant-No, you didn't.
Dot: Well, we meant to.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Do you know who I am?
[The Warners are behind the game booths]
Yakko: [buzzes the red button] Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psychoanalyst to the stars?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Correct.
Yakko: [jumps on Scratchy] I won! I won! What did I win?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Nothing.
Yakko: Say, what kind of game show is this?
Dr. Scratchansniff: This isn't a game show!
Yakko: Well I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [throws Yakko down] NURSE! NURSE!
Hello Nurse: [comes in] Yes, Dr. Scratchansniff?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [offscreen as Yakko and Wakko's hearts bulge out, pumping, while their eyes turn into black hearts] Get these kids out of here!
Yakko and Wakko: [turn into wolves] Helloooo Nurse!
[Dot facepalms in annoyance. A red heart space forms around Hello Nurse's head]
Yakko: [thinks of horse back riding with Hello Nurse] Hah...
Wakko Warner: [thinks of driving a convertible with Hello Nurse] Huuh...
Dot: [confused, thinks of boating with Dr. Scratchansniff] Diiiisgusting!
Hello Nurse: Why don't you cute little kids follow me?
[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings out of Dr. Scratchansniff's office. Yakko and Wakko follow her, floating in the air, in love with her. Dot follows them, walking, awkward]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] After the Varner Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the Varner Brothers studio.
[Dr. Scratchansniff enters the office. He sits at one end of the long table while a short, stout man sits at the other end. The man pushes a button, closing the curtains]
Thaddeus Plotz: [smiles, then shouting] THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF! AND I WON'T HAVE IT! [walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff] In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos! They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Vhy me?
Thaddeus Plotz: Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh...
Dr. Scratchansniff: Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...
[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings to Dr. Scratchansniff's office while Wakko drums to her footsteps]
Hello Nurse: The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.
Yakko and Wakko: Mmm. [fall their heads down]
[After Hello Nurse left, Yakko and Wakko's tongues popped out while they're in love]
Dot: [walks over, and pulls their tongues back into their mouths like a window shade; shrugs to the camera] Boys.
Yakko: [jumps into Scratchy's arms along with Wakko] How you doing, Scratchy?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I take umbrage at that.
Yakko: Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I mean I take offence.
Yakko: And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [throws the wooden plank fence away] I think it's time we got down to business, ja?
Yakko: [rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you doing?
Yakko: We're getting down...to business.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [takes the stick] You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [the Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [the Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!
Yakko: This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.
Yakko: Define monkey stuff.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und' you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.
[The Warner Siblings look at the camera with confusion]
Wakko: Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sych-...uh. I mean, a psychiatrist! EUH! [while he paces back and forth, the Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah...I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [the Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?
Yakko: Uhmm...are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!
Yakko: Mr. Puppethead's hungry.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating, as he is reading "Understanding Children"as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background again] After much research, I decided to meet with each Varner Brother individually, starting with ze Varner Brothers' sister, Dot.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Dot...may I call you "Dot"?
Dot: Yeah. But call me "Dottie" and ya die.
Dr. Scratchansniff: "Dot" is it. I'm going to show you some pictures, und I vant you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] Vhat do you say to this?
Dot: I'd say you're not a very good artist.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I didn't draw that.
Dot: Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, it's an inkblot.
Dot: I'll say.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!
Dot: Then you did a very good job.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?
Dot: No. [takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly.
[The butterfly comes to life, and Dot tries to catch it with the butterfly net, but caught Scratchy's head instead, much to his annoyance]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good. Vhat's on your mind?
Wakko: My hat.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. Vhat is on your mind?
Wakko: My...skin?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's on your head. Vhat's on your mind?
Wakko: Oh, I got it! My hair!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] ZIS IS HAIR! ZIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!
Wakko: No, it's in your hand.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Vhy don't you tell me vhat you're feeling?
Wakko: My shirt.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's vhat you're touching.Vhat are you feeling?
Wakko: My nose?
Dr. Scratchansniff: THAT'S VHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! VHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just tell me how you feel.
Wakko: I feel fine.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good! Now, ve're getting somewhere. Vould you care to expand on that?
Wakko: Okay. [breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Vhat? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!
[Wakko pricks himself with a sewing pin and flies around the room like a deflating balloon before falling into Scratchansniff's lap]
Wakko: 'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]
[Dr. Scratchansniff growls and tears out more of his hair]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, und you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.
Yakko: Brain.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. We haven't started.
Yakko: Begun.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, wait.
Yakko: Yield.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, stop!
Yakko: Cease.
Dr. Scratchansniff: SILENCE!
Yakko: Quiet.
Dr. Scratchansniff: ENOUGH!
Yakko: Plenty.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Would - You - Please - Listen?!
Yakko: Hear.
Dr. Scratchansniff: NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Yakko: Comprehend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, GET OUT!
Yakko: Leave, leave, leave.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Yakko: [pops his head through the door] Insane, unhinged, demented.
[Dr. Scratchansniff angrily shakes his fist at Yakko, tears out his remaining hair, and collapses on the floor, sobbing]
[Back to Hollywood, present day, in psychiatrist's office]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Und zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf, und they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? [turns to see in shock] Huuuh!
[The psychiatrists are revealed to be The Warner Siblings]
Yakko: [in a German accent] You are suffering from acute Warneritis.
Dr. Scratchansniff: AAH! [literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]
Yakko: [in a normal voice] Was it something I said?
[In the City of Burbank, a cautious and hopeless Goodfeather pigeon plays his flute, while a short-tempered Goodfeather pigeon and a de-facto leader Goodfeather pigeon duck their heads. The hopeless Goodfeather pokes the tempered Goodfeather in eye while still playing]
Pesto: That's it! [jumps at the cautious Goodfeather and a fight cloud is covered with stars and feathers] Hey, watch where you put-
Squit: Hey! [complains during the fight]
Pesto: -that sissy flute! You wanna play the flute? I got your flute! There! Here's your flute!
[Ralph is in charge of parking spots for cars. On stage, a blue male hippo plays a marimba and a purple female hippo plays another marimba. Squit flies on the office and plays his flute again. Pesto spots him and hits him again]
Pesto: I thought I told you to stop with that fluting, huh. Take that! Get out of my face!
Squit: OW! Just come on! Come on, I ain't come on, I ain't [incomprehensible] with my beak!
[Dr Scratchnsniff is sleeping with a teddy bear and he wakes up]
Dr. Scratchansniff: One Monday mornin', I got up late and there were these monkeys outside ze gate. The guard tried to stop them but he had no luck. The monkeys got free and they run amok. I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchansniff: My office was run by the studio nurse. I came downstairs and what could be worse? The monkeys was doing a crazy dance. They put buggies in my underpants.I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchasniff: Monkeys dance, then I dance, too.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I ran outside to get a stick, But I'm telling you, friends, those monkeys was quick, 'Cause when I returned, much to my disgrace, Those monkeys had the nurse in a mad embrace!
Hello Nurse: I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko: For a nickel, I'll give you a clue.
Dot: I didn't know your eyes were blue.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
[Back at the Show, The Hip Hippos are playing their marimbas,while Yakko Wakko and Dot chase Dr.Scratachansniff and Hello Nurse]
Marita Hippo: Yessir, woo!!
[Squit lands on the blue hippo's drum]
Flavio Hippo: Aw, play dat thing!
[Squit's flute turns around, The Mime. When Dr. Scratchansniff, Hello Nurse and the Warners run past him as he juggles for a brown squirrel sitting on a yellow chair, yawning. an orange tree falls on his head. A grey old squirrel wearing a green hat with a flower on top grabs the brown squirrel out of the chair. Dr.Scratchansniff hides on a pink wall, while the Nurse has been chased by the Warners and he flees. A tall, anthropomorphic white-furred mouse and a short, anthropomorphic white-furred mouse are both carrying a mouse trap, with a piece of cheese. Dr.Scratchansniff runs to the apartment and Squit plays his flute. When Dr. Scratchansniff runs into his apartment, Buttons, a adult male German Shepherd dog and a very small girl with short-cut platinum blonde hair in lilac overall shorts with a white short-sleeved shirt underneath, white socks and black mary jane shoes,float by on some colorful balloons.]
Dr. Scratchansniff: I went to me bath for a shower and shave. Them monkeys going to put me into my grave! The entire bathroom was laid to waste and they shaved my head with minty toothpaste! I dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchansniff: They's crazy nutso! I'm tellin' you!
Yakko, Wakko and Dot:Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchasniff: Well, by this time, I was feelin' dread. They was using a shoebrush to shine me head.I asked them to leave, but they stayed around. They pulled the chain, and, YEE, I went down! I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchasniff: Call my lawyer! I'm ready to sue!
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchasniff: AAH! [runs away from the Warners]
[Back on stage, The Hip Hippos played their marimbas]
Marita: Yessir, brother!
[Squit contiunes his flute and he pokes Pesto in the eye
Pesto: Hey! That's it!
Squit: OW!
[Pesto jumps on Squit and the fight cloud contiunes and they fall. Then the girl holds on to the balloons and Buttons follows her. Dr.Scratchansniff stops,while the cloud lands on Dr.Scratchansniff's head and it lands on his shirt]
Pesto: What do you think you're busting with that thing? [incomprehensible]
Squit: Those are my tail feathers, I need those!
[Dr Scratchansniff dances,while Yakko, Wakko and Dot following him,wearing new clothes and shaking maracas. Yakko wears a green shirt with yellow flowers on it, Wakko wears a purple shirt with orange flowers on it and Dot is wearing a hula skirt. They're maracas are green and red, while they are wearing hula necklaces. When the Mime watches the Warner walking away and recovers himself from the fallen tree and dances, the old squirrel looks at the Mime and look up at the sky. She grabs a straw and shoots down Buttons and the girl's balloons, causing them to fall on him and she smiles. Now Dr Scratchansniff runs away from the Warners and the short mouse walks away with his head caught in the trap, while the tall mouse follows him. Dr Scratchansniff shakes his legs and Pesto and Squit comes out of his pants. Pesto and Squit felt dizzy and Squit has his flute on his head, while the Warners dance and Dr.Scratchansniff scowls at them and they scream. Yakko waves and they flee off, while Pesto and the de-factor pigeon looked at Squit, crossing their arms and he is hurt and he has a black-eye]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, me patience ran out and I'm telling you sure, tomorrow, I show those monkeys the door! And if they don't leave, I'm inviting you to my house for dumplings and monkey stew! I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchasniff: Now I'm in the stew, oh pooh.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Watch out for monkeys, I'm telling you!
The Hip Hippos, Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're not monkeys, we're just cuckoo!
All:Dunno what to say! The Warners won't do!
[On a black background, a book that reads, Nighty Night Toon]
Narrator: Nighty-Night Toon. [the book opens revalling the Warner Tower. Inside the Warner Tower, the characters are sleeping] Inside the water tower room, There was a log flume. [the Warners ride on a log flume on the water] And a picture of a big baboon.
[Wakko grabs a marker and draws a mustache of a picture of Ralph and he moves]
Ralph: Huh
Narrator: And three little toons, acting like goons.
Yakko: I'm Yakko.
Wakko: I'm Wakko.
Dot: And I'm cute!
[A feisty, independent, and lovely gray and white cat is sleeping on a dim-witted and optimistic stray dog's tummy and he is sleeping too]
Narrator: A dog and a cat.
Runt: [wakes up and he stands up and the cat falls on the dog's tummy] Cat? Where's a cat?
[A green cage is sitting on a window, while the tall mouse puts a rocket on the short mouse's tummy]
Narrator : And a big-headed rat.
The Brain: I'm a mouse, not a rat.
[We see Marita holding a croquet mallet and Flavio holding another croquet. Marita swings the mallet and hits a croquet ball]
Narrator : And two hippos who are incredibly fat.
Marita: Flavio, are we actually fat?
Flavio: No, my delectible. We are simply bigger than life itself. [kisses her cheek]
[Now we see Dr. Scratchansniff and Hello Nurse holding nets tip-toeing,while Yakko and Wakko peeked out of the 6 player croquet set]
Narrator: And in this room, and in this verse are Dr. Scratchansniff and...
Yakko and Wakko: Hello, Nurse!
[The Warner Brothers ducked down,while they swing they're nets and captured each-other. Now we see Pesto, Squit and the de-factor pigeon, standing on the window]
Narrator: And three Goodfeathers who...
Squit: ...stick together.
Pesto: What do you mean by that? You think I'm sticky? You saying I'm some kind of gooey sticky bun here for your breakfast enjoyment? Is that what you're saying?
Squit: No, I'm just saying-
Pesto: That's it! Here's your sticky buns, I got your sticky buns right here, ey!
Squit: Come on! Come on, knock it off!
[They spin cartwheels, while a big cloud zooms in and a feather comes out of the cloud. Now the girl sleeps in a huge bed and Buttons sleeps on the covers]
Narrator: And Mindy and Buttons are snuggled in bed. [a Skeleton named Skullhead peeks out of bed. He wears a hat, a red bow tie and a shirt. Buttons looks at the Skeleton and he tips his hat] Along with a fella, named Mr. Skullhead. [Buttons hides under the bed. Now we see the grey old squirrel sleeping in a rocking chair. She wears a green nightcap and a green night-gown and she has a book on her lap] And an old squirrel lady in cap and nightgown sits in her rocker and says.
Slappy Squirrel: Hey, Pal, pipe down.
Narrator: Oh, er, right. Well then... [she yawns and goes back to sleep and then the lights go out] Nighty-night, room, Nighty-night, toons [the Warners zip on-screen, while Wakko gets Ralph out of the picture and Yakko and Dot pull the lever, while Wakko puts Ralph into the log flume] Nighty-night, log flume.
Ralph: Aahh!
Narrator: With the big baboon. [Ralph and the log flume fells into the water,with a stupendous SPLASH! Now we see the cat, sleeping on Runt's tummy] Nighty-night dog, nighty-night cat.
[Runt and the cat woke up]
Runt: I do smell a cat, but where's it at? That rhymes, that that definitely rhymes.
[Now we see The Hip-Hippos drinking soda]
Narrator: Nighty-night, hippos.
Marita: We're big boned, not fat
[The Brain holds on to the tall mouse carrying a match with fire and it lights up the rocket and he blows the fire out]
Narrator: Nighty-night, big-headed laboratory rat.
The Brain: I am not a rat, I'm a mouse. [the Rocket explodes and the rocket point lands on his head]Oh drat.
Pinky: Oh, that rhymes too, Brain. Uuhm... [puts down the match while they fall down]
[Now we see Dr. Scratchansniff sitting on a log flume, tied up, while Wakko, Yakko and Hello Nurse sit on another log flume and Yakko pulls a lever, while Wakko does the same]
Narrator: Nighty-night, doctor and-
Yakko and Wakko: Good niiiiight, nurse
[The log flume goes up, while the other log flume went into a heart tunnel, while Pesto and Squit fight, while the de-factor leader looks at us, left and right]
Narrator: Nighty-night, pigeons who constantly curse.
Pesto:Buster bajou?!? Baddachini, afraid of?!? I got your sticky buns, here's your sticky buns!
Squit: Come on! what did I do, what did I do? knock it off!
[Back at the Bed, Mindy is trying to get Buttons out of the bed, but she can't reach him. Buttons is Scared]
Narrator: Nighty-night, Buttons under the bed, along with his friend, Mr. Skullhead. [Mr. Skullhead peeks out of the bed and Buttons runs out of the bed, while Mindy and Mr. Skullhead watch him. Now we see Slappy still sleeping on the rocking chair] Nighty-night, squirrel lady in night-gown and cap.
Slappy: For crying out loud, would ya button your yap?
[Back at Burbank, California, clouds pushed back revalling a yellow moon]
Narrator: Nighty-night water tower, nighty-night lot. [the WB shield opens up and Yakko, Wakko and Dot peeked out of their Warner Tower] Nighty-night, Yakko, Wakko and Dot. [Dot waves goodnight at the people] Nighty-night people everywhere.
Yakko: And nighty-night, Wakko's underwear!
[Yakko grabs a pair of underpants, while Wakko gasps and Dot covers her mouth. Wakko grabs his underwear and wents back inside, while Yakko and Dot went back inside too and the shield closes]

Yakko's World/Cookies for Einstein/Win Big [1.02]

edit
[A Map is Shown with 7 continents, they're called the countries]
Announcer:And now, the nations of the world, brought to you by Yakko Warner!
[Yakko lands on the map, wearing a educational hat and dances]
Yakko: [singing] United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador, too. Puerto Rico, Colombia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana, and still, Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil. Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan, Paraguay, Uruguay, Suriname, and French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam. Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland, and Germany, now in one piece, Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Italy, Turkey, and Greece. Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania, Ireland, Russia, Oman, Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran. There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain, The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal, France, England, Denmark, and Spain. India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan, Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan, Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh, Asia, and China, Korea, Japan. Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia, The Philippine Islands, Taiwan, Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand, Then Borneo, and Vietnam. Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola, Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana, Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia, Guinea, Algeria, Ghana. Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo, The Spanish Sahara is gone, Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia, Egypt, Benin, and Gabon. Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali, Sierra Leone, and Algiers, Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya, Cameroon, Congo, Zaire. Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar, Rwanda, Mahore and Cayman, Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...Crete, Mauritania, then Transylvania, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Malta, and Palestine, Fiji, Australia, Sudan!
[A shot of the skyline of Bern, Switzerland. Panning down we see houses and buildings]
Narrator: [written and spoken] Bern, Switzerland, 1905, home of cheese, clocks, chocolate and neutrality...But mostly chocolate.
[The Warners from Burbank, California, wearing merit badge sashes walking]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] Open your doors and buy our cookies. Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee, So board the scouts, get out your wallets Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee!
Wakko: [singing] Yodel-eh-hi-hu! Yodel-uh-ha-ha! Yodel-eh-hi-hee! Yodel-idel-adel-yadel-yodle-diddle-dodle-doodle doba-dee-dee! [spoken] Sorry, it's the chocolate talking.
[A Swiss Female in a red skirt and some shoes, carrying some hot chocolate in each cup]
Swiss Female: [walking by while carrying a tray full of mugs with hot chocolate] Hot Chocolate. Hot Chocolate
Wakko: Helloooo Swiss nurse, miss! [starts walking towards her]
Yakko: [grabs him] Oh no you don't. We got cookies to sell. Well scouts, there it is. [the scene revealls a house with a blue door and some windows on it] The last house in the city. [they walk to the house] And we only need to sell one more box of cookies to get our merit badges.
Dot: [reads the name of the mailbox] "Albert Einstein". He sounds dreamy.
[The Scene changes to a blackboard, that was filled with letters and a hand holds a piece of chalk writes on the blackboard]
Einstein: If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a ppphhhhh. No no no no, the theory of relativity has escaped me! Why can't I get it?! WHY?! [the Doorbell rings and he turns to the door] Oh! This better be important, I'm thinking about black holes. [the Warners are standing at his house as he opens the door]
Yakko: Like blackheads, you must be a dermatologist.
Einstein: I am not. I am Albert Einstein, world-famous physicist.
Yakko: Oh. I've never had a cyst, but Wakko's got a wart you can look at.
[Wakko raises his hand]
Einstein: [looks at it] Eww. Vat do you kids want?
Wakko: You wanna buy a yummy box of kids scout cookies? [gets a green box of cookies and he hands it to Einstein]
Einstein: Cookies? Vat would I do with cookies?
Dot: Ya eat 'em, silly moustache man. Woah, dumber than advertised.
Einstein: No I don't want cookies. I'm trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe! Now be good little scouts, and run away! [shuts the door]
Wakko: [sits on the steps] Bye, merit badges.
[The spotlight shines on Dot]
Dot: Oh, oh! My heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts. No merit badge, I mourn my loss. [sobs into her hands]
[The spotlight disappears]
Yakko: [claps along with Wakko] Say, those acting classes are really paying off.
Dot: Think so?
Yakko: Don't worry sibs, we'll sell that nice man a box of cookies or die trying, or try dying, or do some tie dying! [gets a tie dye shirt, while Wakko and Dot clap]
[Back inside, Albert Einstein has a light bulb]
Einstein: And now, to measure the speed of light. [turns on the lightbulb] Boy, that's quick. [gets off his chair and walks to the chalkboard and he turns it around, while the Warners are standing] OOH!
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello! [they jump out of the chalkboard and kiss Einstein]
Einstein: [grossed out] Phht!
Dot: Well how about it, kid? Want some cookies?
Einstein: No, no, no cookies!
Yakko: How about a chia pet? [takes it out]
Einstein: No! I- [the chia pet grows] Oh, look at that. Oh it's got little fuzzy grass. Well- [realizing what he's doing] no I can't, I can't! Don't you understand?! I can't be disturbed! I'm trying to figure out an equation that explains the universe!
Yakko: Shouldn't you be focusing on skin disorders?
Einstein: I am not a dermatologist!
Yakko: Alright, alright, we got the picture, if you don't want any cookies, then just leave.
Einstein: I am not going to leave, this is my house.
Yakko: Alright then, you leave.
Einstein: Fine. [looks at him walking out of his own house, while Wakko jumps on an X-ray and Dot watches him who opens and slams door. As he walks outside of his house, he stops, realizing that he's been duped] Grrrrrr! [wents back inside, then kicks Yakko, Wakko and Dot out the house and shuts the door]
Wakko: Now what?
Yakko: Now, it's time for the hard sell.
Einstein: No more disruptions. [turns to the windows and pulls the first one, then the second one, then the third one has Yakko, Wakko and Dot on it]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello!
Einstein: Aargh! [runs to the green chair and hides] YOU!
Yakko: No, this is a "ewe". [takes a female sheep called an ewe] We're just plain old us.
Einstein: [about to cry] Why won't you leave me alone?
[Yakko, Wakko and Dot zip in wearing green shirts]
Yakko: Boy, have we got a deal for you! For a limited time only, when you buy our cookies, we'll throw in the amazing Acme pocket-fisherman! [a little ACME pocket-fisherman waving at the audience. then he hands a fishing pole, a tackle box, and a cabin shower] The pocket-fisherman comes complete with fishing pole, tackle box and potty. He may be small, but he eats.
Dot: But wait, there's more. You'll also get the amazing Acme hair magnet. [Wakko carries a magnet, that reads ACME and Einstein's hair raises up. Dot has a comb and Yakko has a brush and they both have spraying cans] A unique solution to fine limp hair.
Wakko: [has a camera and hides as he takes a photo] Smile! [the camera flashes and he holds the photo] You didn't smile.
[It's a picture of Albert Einstein sticks his tongue out. Now the real Albert Einstein sticks his tongue out]
Yakko: To get the cookies, pocket-fisherman and hair magnet. Here's how to order. [pulls the screen]
Dot: [sit on a chair and breaks the 4th wall] Hi, I'm Dot, an operator here at Acme. Order now, and we'll also throw in "Unexplained Mysteries of Fudge". Call now.
[Einstein cries and pounds the table]
Wakko: [wears a red shirt and some black pants, then holds a calculator; in his Scottish accent] I don't think he can take much more, captain. He's about to blow.
Yakko: I guess you really don't want any cookies, huh?
Einstein: How can I eat cookies when the Theory of Relativity has escaped me?! It's all wrong! ALL WRONG! [erases the chalkboard and wents to his desk, while Yakko, Wakko and Dot looks at him who sits on his chair] I am a failure. Einstein is a dummy. Stupid Einstein dummy-boy.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [look impressed, and huddle in a whisper] Hey Einstein! [singing] Whenever we're feeling blue, here's what we always do. When your face is long, sing the Acme song, you'll feel so fresh and new.
Yakko: [runs to the chalkboard and draws some letters; singing] There's the a that's first, there's a c that's next, there's an m you're almost done. There's the e, it's last, now spell it out,a-c-m-e, that's fun.
Wakko: [spoken] Now, backwards! [singing] There's the e that's last, there's the m, it's next, There's c, you're almost done. There's the a, it's first, what's first is last, e-m-c-a, we're done.
Yakko: [walks up to the chalkboard; spoken] Pretty good, Wakko, but your a always looks like a 2.
[Einstein looked impressed, his eyes are filled with science circles and he pushes Yakko, Wakko and Dot and they fall down. Einstein looks at the board, while the Warners looked at him. then he writes an equal between the E and the M]
Einstein: That's IT! The theory of relativity, E equals mc squared! Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared! You kids is geniuses! E equals mc squared! [the scene changes to his house] E equals mc squared! [the scene changes to the City of Bern, Switzerland] E equals mc squared!
[On stage, A tall man probably known as the Announcer holds a medal, while Einstein wears a suit, wearing a medal]
Announcer: The nobel prize in physics goes to Albert Einstein and the Warner Brothers.
[The Warners step out, wearing blue and pink suits]
Dot: And the warner sister.
[The Announcer puts the medal onto Yakko's neck]
Yakko: Hey, it's no merit badge, but it'll do.
[A Laboratory is on the city, it reads ACME LABS. A cage is sitting on a table, where Pinky and the Brain live there]
Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky...Try to take over the world!
Yakko Wakko and Dot : [singing] They're Pinky and The Brain, They're Pinky and The Brain, One is a genius; the other's insane. They're laboratory mice. Their genes have been spliced. They're dinky; they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
[The Laboratory doors closed and we show the wide shot of ACME LABS]
[Inside of the cage, The Brain holds a pencil and writes on a piece of paper.]
The Brain: I hope you're prepared, Pinky. For tonight's plan to take over the world promises to be extra-ordinary. [stops writing and his head turns around] Pinky?
[The screen pans to Pinky watching The Honeymooners on the television set. Inside on the TV, a bus driver named Ralph Kramden trying to punch a woman]
Pinky: Yeh HEH HEH HEH HEH EH!
Ralph Kramden: Bang, zoom. Bang! zoom! Right in the kisser!
Pinky: EH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH! Bang! zoom! Right in the kisser! Narf! EH HEH HEH HEHY
The Brain: [walks to the television and turns it off] You watch too much TV, Pinky.
Pinky: Bang! zoom!
The Brain: [shuts Pinky's mouth, pulls on his nose, and let's go] Stop saying that Pinky or I shall have to hurt you.
Pinky: Oh, okay, sorry Brain. NARF! [the Brain walks to a tall pencil with a paperclip on it. He shoots the paperclip up to the sky and hits the light, a table, a microscope and the lock. He manually unlocks cage] E-gad, you astound me, Brain.
The Brain: That's a simple task, Pinky. [he and Pinky hop on a purple cabinet with a lock and a knob and they get off of the cabinet] Once we construct the super-conductive magnetic infindibulator, [Pinky stops and looks at the big TV] the world will be ours. [stops walking and looks at him] Pinky?
Alex Quebec: It is often said when a golfer tees off, Alvey.
[Pinky laughs at the audience, a sign that reads, GYP-Parody and a orange-haired man with a green shirt]
Alvey: What is 4, Alex?
Pinky: What is narf, eh, what is POIT?!?!?!?!
The Brain: [walks to Pinky and pushes him] What is an inordinately short attention span, Alex?
[Pinky and the Brain push and roll a science map and it reads, SUPER-CONDUCTIVE MAGNETIC INFINDIBULATOR and FAST ASSEMBLY]
The Brain: The plans, Pinky, for the super-conductive magnetic infindibulator. Shall I explain how it works?
Pinky: NARF! Challenge me.
The Brain: I'm sure I will. By using the infindibulator to deplete hydrogen and promote gravitational collapse, we will produce a magnetic charge from the centre of the Earth so strong that every person who has loose change in their pockets will be magnetically drawn to the ground and stuck there.
Pinky: [shaking the Brain's hand] E-gad Brain, brilliant, uh-oh, no wait, what if they take off their pants?
The Brain: [surprised] Then we'll have to take over the world quickly. Every item we need is here in the lab save one; the infindibulator. I know where we can get one. The farmer's almanac.
[They grab a big, blue book which lands on top of them and they climb off the book]
Pinky: Hrmmmmgh! [looks at the book and The Brain kicks him to the page] Thanks! [the Brain climbs up the book and they walked off. On top of the book it reads, BUILD YOUR OWN INFINDIBULATOR!] Ah, here we are. Build your own infindibulator with things you have 'round the home. Only 99 thousand dollars. Huh! 99 thousand dollars! NARF! Ooh, where we gonna get that, Brain?
Alex Quebec: Beep! Sorry Matilda, that's incorrect! How much did you wager? [screen pans to a host holding a microphone and Matilda, a woman with glasses and a pink shirt, is crying] All of it? Oh that's too bad because you could have won 99 thousand dollars.
[Pinky and the Brain looked at TV]
The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?
The Brain: The money, Pinky. I can go on that show and win the money for the infindibulator!
Pinky: E-gad, Brain! Oh no, but the questions on gyb-parody are incredibly hard. I mean, you'd have to get every single one right.
The Brain: Quiz me. Ask me anything.
[A Dream cloud appears with a pie]
Pinky: NARF! Eh, okay. What is pie?
The Brain: The ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter having a value of 8 decimal places of 3.14159265. But ask me something difficult, Pinky.
Pinky: Uh, he, uh, NARF! oh OKAY! What Ralph Kramden says "Bang! Zoom!"
The Brain: I told you to stop saying that. [grabs the pencil and whacks him. The pencil lands on Pinky] I don't care who says that.
Pinky: Ralph Kramden. [jumps out of the pencil] Tada! [bows]
The Brain: [grabs Pinky's tail] We must prepare. [carries Pinky and walks away]
[Pinky pulls the left shoelace and The Brain pulls on the right shoelace on a shoe and they tied a knot]
The Brain: That does it. I'm going in. [goes inside of the shoe. Pinky tries to run, but his tail gets stuck on the shoelace. A robot wears a suit, some shoes and a red bow tie. His head pops up of the suit] Honey, I'm home.
Pinky: Yeh heh heh heh. I liked your funny joke, Brain.
The Brain: I am not devoid of humor. Prepare for departure.
[The Brain slides down, sits on a chair, pulls the three levers and his head pops out of the suit. The machine begins to start, but Pinky's tail gets stuck on the shoe and steps on him. Pinky climbs up to a pocket and his head pops out]
The Brain: [comes out of ACME LABS and walks down the sidewalk] Taxi. Taxi. [a Taxi stops and the machine walks in. Yakko, Wakko and Dot run away from Ralph] A television station, please.
[A Taxi Driver turns a car window and turns to the Brain]
Taxi Driver: [turns a car window and turns to the Brain] You got it! Woah, hey h-heh if you don't mind me asking, bub, uh, what happened to your head?
The Brain: Nothing. I am a mouse in a large mechanical suit.
Taxi Driver: Heh heh heh heh, okay, alright, my bad for asking, right?
[The Taxi went to the game show]
[A wide shot of the Game Show, GYP-Parody is shown. 3 Game Show Buzzer Tables are standing there. Alvey walks to the first table, an old lady walks to the second table and The Brain walks to the third table]
Narrator: This is Gyp-parody. our returning champion, Alvey, and please welcome, Deloris, and Brian!
The Brain: [holds on a microphone] Uh, that's brain, not Brian
[The host Alex Quebec walks to his podium]
Narrator: And now your host, Alex Quebec.
Alex Quebec: Let's start with our returning champion.
Alvey: Uh, I'll take ancient shoe sizes for 200, Alex. [the Game Board zooms in and it reads, SOCRATES' PUPIL PLATO WORE HIS SANDALS THIS SIZE]
Alex Quebec: Socrates' pupil, Plato wore his sandals this size.
The Brain: What was 7 and a half?
Alex Quebec: That's correct, Brian.
The Brain: That's Brain. I'll take King's name Moshoeshoe for 200.
[On a screen, the title reads HE RULED LESTHO IN 1820]
Alex Quebec: He ruled Lestho in 1820. Brian.
The Brain: Who was king Moshoeshoe the 1st?
Alex Quebec: Correct. Select again, Brian.
The Brain: Brain, Isle of yap for 400.
[The Game Board zooms in again, it reads, THREE YAPPIAN ISLAND NEIGHBORS]
Alex Quebec: Three yappian island neighbors. Brian.
The Brain: What are Bikar, Ailuk, and Ailinglaplap? [back to the wide shot of GYP-Parody] What is inversely proportional to square of the cubed distances between them? What is the crust of Io? [pushes the button; then the camera zooms to Alvey, Deloris and him and the game board with a number, it reads, $500] What is a Regus Philbin?
Alex Quebec: That concludes round 2. And it looks like our challenger, Brian.
The Brain: Brain.
Alex Quebec: will be the only one to play final gyp-parody. [Alvey and Deloris walked away, excepted for the Brain] So far having answered every single question correctly. Have you made your wager?
The Brain: Yes, Alex.
Alex Quebec: Any plans on how you'll spend your winnings?
The Brain: Yes, I plan to take over the world.
Alex Quebec: Hah huh, my fault for asking.
Pinky: [pops out of the pocket and cheers for him] Go Brain! NARF! We almost got all our money! In the words of-
[The Brain flicks him back into the pocket]
Alex Quebec: Now, for 99 thousand dollars, here's the final gyp-parody answer. In the category "quotable quotes". [turns to the game board and it reads, THIS CLASSIC TV CHARACTER IS KNOWN FOR SAYING BANG! ZOOM! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!] This classic TV character is known for saying "Bang! Zoom! Right in the kisser!
The Brain: [shocked] Um, [gulp] uh, who is-a...
Alex Quebec: 5 seconds
The Brain: I-um, who is-a...
Alex Quebec: 2 seconds.
The Brain: Who is-a...Pinky! [slops on the Game Show Buzzer Table]
Crowd: Oh.
Alex Quebec: Ooh, That's incorrect. The question is, who is Ralph Kramden. [walks to the Brain] And how much did you wager?
The Brain: Everything.
Alex Quebec: Which leaves you with nada. I'm so sorry. And that wraps up our show. Good night, everybody!
[The TV statics to a Man in a suit with a microphone and a sign that reads Wheel of Misfortune]
Pinky: How about Wheel of Misfortune?
The Brain: No.
Pinky: [jumps on the remote and sits on the button] You could win the money on 10 thousand dollar pile of mud.
The Brain: [walks to the cage and opens the door] No, Pinky, I'm going back to the cage to get some rest for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
The Brain: Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world. [pulls the door which reveals the shot of ACME LABS]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] They're dinky; they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
[Yakko, Wakko, and Dot dashing through a park and then coming to a halt]
Yakko: It's that time again.
Dot: To get our rabies shot?
Wakko: To make bubbles with our spit?
Yakko: No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to, the Wheel of Morality. [bring out a titular wheel and it reads, WHEEL OF MORALITY. then he spin the wheel] Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number 2. [it prints out a piece of paper into the corresponding moral] And the moral of today's story is... [grabs the paper and reads it] if at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.
Wakko: How deep.
Yakko: I don't know about you, but I'm touched.
Dot: In the head.
[A whistle is offscreen and The Warners looked and jumped up and ran off]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Yikes! [bolts away]
[Ralph has a net and shakes his fist and chases them]

H.M.S. Yakko/Slappy Goes Walnuts/Yakko's Universe [1.03]

edit
[A shot of the island is shown. It pans to the sea. Then the scene changes to the Warners ride on a gray bump]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] We surf the sea, the Warners we three be, to catch a gaze of a beach to get some rays. We'll never sink our board's not what you think! It's got a top tail, in fact, it is a whale!
[A big, huge whale winks at the audience. The whale wents to the island, while Yakko, Wakko and Dot. land on the island and wave goodbye]
Dot: So long, pal!
Wakko: Stay out of trouble!
Yakko: Thanks for the ride!
Dot: See ya after the show!
Yakko: What about for sushi?
[The Whale dives back in with a stupendous SPLASH and the Warners turn around]
Yakko and Wakko: [singing] Yes, Brothers Warner we!
Dot: [singing] And the Warner sister!
Yakko: [singing] You'd like her if you kissed her
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] We surfed the seven seas, Now it's time to catch some Z's. HEY!
Yakko: [spoken] Come siblings. [Wakko and Dot followed followed him on the Shore. The screen pans to a sign, that reads PIRATE PROPERTY, STAY OUT! Then a boat that reads BE YE WARNED! and a Blue Blanket that reads "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES!" and a ship that reads "TO ADVERTISE COME MATEY!"] How about right here? It's so cheery. Wakko?
[Wakko takes a bag and pulls out an umbrella, 3 towels and a box out of it and throws it into the sand. The towels are sitting on the sand and the umbrella opens up. The Warners hop on the towels and they relax and they put on sunglasses and they sleep. A Pirate ship comes to the shore. the screen changes to the ship and then the door that reads, Cap'n Mel. The door opens and a hand holds up the sign with an arrow on it. A short pirate with an eye patch, a blue pirate hat, a hook, a red pirate shirt and some blue pants. He jumps away and lands and then he gets a whistle and blows it. 3 pirates zip to him]
Captain Mel: [singing] I am the evil pirate Captain Mel
Crewmen: [singing] And a really evil pirate, too!
Captain Mel: [singing] You are very, very kind I'm an evil mastermind, and I'll do cruel things to you.
Crewmen: [singing] We are very, very kind He's an evil mastermind, and he'll do cruel things to you
Captain Mel: [singing] I'll kick you in the knee, poke your eye so you can't see, and hit you with my sword. Though I be a pirate swine, I have to draw the line...So I will not push you overboard.
Crewmen: [singing] What, never?
Captain Mel: [singing] No, never!
Crewman: [singing] What, never?
Captain Mel: [singing] Hardly ever! [pushes them overboard] Hahahahahahahahaha! [gasps; hops away, comes back with a telescope and looked at the Warners relaxing on the shore] They be trespassing on me pirate property! I'll show them, I will! [zooms away and slips on a rope and fell on a boat and paddles to the shore, then he gets off the boat. He spots the Warners and they looked at him]
Yakko: Hey! [sees Captain Mel for the first time] Ooh, it's our new best friend.
Captain Mel: Who be ye?
Yakko: We be we. We're the Warner brothers.
Dot: And the Warner sister.
Captain Mel: Ye be trespassing on my private pirate property!
Wakko: Bet ya can't say that three times fast.
Captain Mel: Pirate prinipoly popoly...pi...per.
Wakko: You lose. [smashes Mel flat with a sledgehammer]
Captain Mel: [pops out of the sand] Rrggggrgh. [aims his gun at Wakko, who makes a gookie] The penalty for trespassing is death.
Wakko: Faboo!
Yakko: [tapping on Captain Mel's shoulder] You can't kill us, ya hardly know us. So uhhhhhhh...how's about a kiss? [Captain Mel gets his gun again] Song break!
The Warners: [singing] Gosh we're scared, oh gosh, we're frightened Cause our itty-bitty new friend has his teeny-weeny brain all set on blowing us to bits! Oh, how horrible, deplorable, this really is the pits!
The Warners and Captain Mel: [singing] We should run and we should flee, then where would our story be? This could spell the bitter end.
Captain Mel: [singing] For animated kids like them!
Yakko: [singing] For the oldest Warner brother!
Dot: [singing] And his pretty Warner sister!
Wakko: [singing] And the other Warner brother!
Captain Mel: [singing] Their small lives I will smother! They should run and they should flee, Then where would this story be? This... [stops singing and notices that the Warners are gone]
Yakko: Bon Voyage-y!
The Warners: Buh-bye!
[The Warners are on the boat and Wakko rows the boat]
Captain Mel: Come back here, you piles of sluggish sea slime! [growls in anger]
[Back at the pirate ship, Captain Mel has a harpoon and he hops]
Captain Mel: Arggh! [Yakko, Wakko and Dot have fishing poles, throw them away and then show banner, it reads, WISH YOU WERE WERE; throws the telescope away] Rarr! [hops to his harpoon and sits on his chair then shoots the harpoon but it missed the Warners. He grabs the grip with a big, huge shark and gasps. He laughs and sends the shark back.] Phew. [turns around to see the Warner dressed up like pirates]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Arr!
Yakko: Arr!
Wakko: Arr!
Dot: Arr!
[Captain Mel raises his fist and hook then hops to them]
Wakko: Arr! Yarr! Arr, Arr, Arr! Yarr!
Yakko: Too big.
Wakko: Arr.
Yakko: Better.
Captain Mel: I'll teach you three scallawags to mess with the likes of me. [walks away, opens the door, then comes back with a treasure chest with weapons] Choose your weapon.
Yakko: Okay.
[They zip and then comes back with a very big, black cannon. Captain Mel gasps and shoots him, covered with black smoke]
Captain Mel: [dazed] How did ye do that?
Yakko: Aah, you mean with the big comedy cannon? You really wanna know?
Captain Mel: Arr.
Yakko: I'll take that as a yes. [zips away and Wakko and Dot bring a chair and Captain Mel sits on it. They grab two dust Ostrich Feather Dust Cleaning Brushes to clean him. They stopped and Yakko skid and they spin. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are back to their original clothes; singing] I Am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual. My animation's comical, unusual and whimsical. I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read from wicked puns and stupid jokes to anvils that drop on your head. I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette then smack the villain with a fish, I know my cartoon etiquette. I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright. Aah! Then make up with flowers made of real exploding dynamite. [they run down the stairs, while Captain Mel chases them] When in a jam, I just yell, "Stop!" and villains in their tracks are froze. Then I sneak up, and utter "Start!" and take their hands and honk their nose. I am quite proud to be in such a hierarchical progeny from Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny. [pulls a lever with four pictures on them. Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird, Babs Bunny and Buster Bunny. Daffy gets a Hammer and hits Captain Mel. He falls into the chair] To suit my mood, I can call forth a lot of different sceneries like outer space and desert scapes and Himalayan eateries from this bag here, why, I can pull most anything imaginable like office desks and lava lights and Bert who is a cannibal! [pulls Bert, a cannibal wearing a necklace and a hula skirt and some brown shoes]
[Then Bert chases Captain Mel, who flees in terror. Now the Warners are at the end of the pirate ship]
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] You see in matters comical, unusual and whimsical, We are the very model of cartoon individuals!
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [singing] The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world. Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
Slappy: [opens the door] Enough with the singin' already![closes the door.]
The Warners: [singing] That's Slappy!
[A wide shot of Slappy's Treedome and a mailbox is shown in Burbank, California. Inside Slappy was sitting on a chair, watching TV. The TV zooms in to reveal a construction site and a sign that reads, SPIKE CONSTRUCTION. A young Slappy wearing a construction hat, skipping on a construction building. She holds a bucket of RED HOLT BOLTS. She throws a red bolt of the site, then gets a hammer and pounds it]
Young Slappy: [scatting "Working on the Railroad"] Dah da Dee Da de da dee dee, duh de duh da dah!
[A Big Bad Wolf, wearing red overalls, peeks out of the site. He pulls his overalls revealing some high heels and Walks over. He imagines Slappy as a turkey and a sign that reads, SQUIRREL RUMP ROAST. The wolf licks his jaws and gets a fork and spoon out of his pockets. Slappy holds the bucket of RED HOT BOLTS. The wolf tries to eat Slappy, but she throws red hot metals into his mouth. He holds his neck and fire burns his head. Slappy hits the wolf with the hammer. The wolf spin and falls very far and pops up to his regular self and his eyes bugle out]'
Slappy: Wild take number 32. Hah ha. Regular as clockwork. [burps] Wish everything was regular as clockwork.
[The wolf hits the ground, turns into 3 babies, which cry.]
Young Slappy: If there's one thing that I hate,
Slappy and Young Slappy: It's a crybaby. [laugh]
[The first Slappy coughs and spits, while the second Slappy holds a sign that reads, THE END]
Young Slappy: Now that's com-
[But the commercial changes the channel and a box that reads TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX and Three turtles come out of the box wearing hats and they have canes]
Cereal commercial, singing: Totally awesome Acme Snax, they are fun and energy packed, sugar coated sugar sacs.
Slappy: Eh, stop it. [throws the remote at the TV lying down] Flipping network cuts out my famous end line for some razza-flavin' crudball commercial. [a knock on the door] Ehh, somebody get me a peen-ball hammer. [walks to the door and opens it] Who is it?!
Skippy Squirrel: [glomps on his aunt into her house] Aunt Slappy!
[The screen pans to Skippy sitting on Slappy's tummy]
Slappy: [to the camera] What can I do? He's my nephew. Hello, Skippy.
Skippy: Hi! [hopping up and down] What happened to your TV set?
Slappy: It's having a bad day. Pardon me, but you've got a little excess energy there Skippy.
Skippy: Must be these totally awesome ACME Snax. Want some?
Slappy: [takes out a piece of ACME Snax] Now there's a color-founding nature. [eats it, then makes silly faces, blows like a whistle, shoots out of the tree like a rocket, and tumbles down the stairs]
Skippy: Neat, huh?
[Slappy goes to the kitchen, pours a whole lot of ACME Snax into the sink drain, and shreds them, causing the drain to gross out in disgust. Skippy looks up to his aunt innocently]
Slappy: [pats Skippy's head] Ah, no wonder you watched that Bonkers show. That junk food's rotten your brain here.
Skippy: [hopping up and down again] What'cha looking for?
Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
Skippy: What's the surprise?
Slappy: [deadpan] I'm outta walnuts. Let's go visit Doug the Dog. [Skippy stops hopping in fear] We'll get his walnuts out of his old walnut tree.
Skippy: Doug the Dog?! But he hates you, Aunt Slappy! He's been trying to eat you for years!
Slappy: [to the audience] Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
Slappy: Look, you've seen all my old cartoons, right?
Skippy: About a trillion times!
Slappy: I've wrestled with Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison. This Doug guy here is nothin'.
Skippy: Yeah, but those were cartoons and this is real life.
Slappy: [to the audience] Don't tell him, he might crack. Look, Skippy. I've seen and done every trick in the book- [Skippy sees a large dog looming behind her] Hold it there. You're doing the old "Frozen Take" bit, which means Doug the Dog... [pulls a club out of her purse and clonks Doug without looking] ...was right behind me. Heh-heh-heh!
Skippy: That's just like in Prehistoric Slappy!
Slappy: That was Cave Girl Slappy 1932 directed by Pizz Peeners. Eh, but let's not be anal. Let's get some walnuts. [walks up to the walnut tree with Skippy. Doug lunges at her] Hold it! [Doug freezes; spins around] Enchiritos! Get your enchiritos here! Enchiritos, mister? [Doug takes out money with a rapid nod] Ah, you're my kind of a guy who like them extra hot! [pulls out an enchirito, revealing a dynamite, wiggles her eyebrows twice to the audience, and hands it to Doug] Here ya go, amigo. [takes the money and walks off. Doug bites the enchirito, but noticed the dynamite too late, and it explodes in front of his face, leaving his teeth fall off] What a schmutz. [picks up his teeth, and hands them to Skippy] Here. Put them under your pillow tonight. Maybe you'll get some dimes.
Skippy: Great! [follows his aunt]
[A dazed Doug hits the ground with a thud]

Hooked on a Ceiling/Goodfeathers: The Beginning [1.04]

edit
[The cartoon opens up on a map of Renaissance Italy]
Narrator: [narrating, as the camera trucks in on the map of Renaissance Italy] The Italian Renaissance, [as the camera pans right past The Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and The Birth of Venus ] a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. [as the camera pans right to a man hole] And perhaps the era's greatest figure was Michelangelo Buonarroti. [the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out of the man hole. The Narrator, a caricature of John Houseman appears in a purple circle] I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? [binding The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a cane] This stinks.
Michelangelo: Hey, watch it, dude!
Narrator: [pulls the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the purple circle with the cane] I shall deal with you later. [to the viewers] Now, for a brief reality check. [starting a slideshow] Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the marble masterpiece statue of David, and of course, the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.
[Rome, circa 1512 A.D. Michelangelo, a caricature of Kirk Douglas, angrily kicks two painters out of The Sistine Chapel]
Michelangelo: Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists?! [puts a "Painters wanted" sign on the door] You just can't get good help these days. [goes back inside. The camera trucks in on the "Painters wanted" sign. High-angle shot of Michelangelo walking over to three peasants] And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling?!
Peasant: But, Michelangelo, this is a church.
Michelangelo: Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.
[The bell rings periodically]
Quasimodo: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Michelangelo: QUIET! [slams the door. Quasimodo shrugs. Michelangelo goes up the ladder] I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before His Eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! [sobs intensely] Oh, heavenly muse, send me some help!
[Yakko kicks the door open, destroying the scaffold Michelangelo is on, causing him to fall into a can of red paint]
Yakko: It's Yakko and Wakko, and our sister, Dot!
Yakko: Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just 29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead! And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head! We paint ceilings, ceilings and ONLY ceilings! We don't paint floors cuz they're beneath us.
Michelangelo: [angrily standing, boiling, covered in red paint] Who are you?! What are you doing here?!
Yakko: We heard you had a ceiling that needs painting.
Dot: Nice bungalow. This your place?
Michelangelo: You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo! And this is the Sistine chapel!
Yakko: Oh, yeah? If you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh? Gotcha there.
Michelangelo: Out! Out! HOW DARE YOU! [prepares to throw The Warner Siblings out, but he gets thrown out himself, confused] Huh?
Yakko: Well, that takes care of the competition.
Dot: Gentlemen, start your rollers!
[Yakko and Wakko get white paint]
Yakko: You know, a little touch-up will do wonders for this place.
Michelangelo: Let me in! Let me in!
Yakko: [dressed up as the Guardian of the Gates] Nobody gets in to see the Wizard. Not nobody. Not nohow.
Michelangelo: But I'm Michaelangelo.
Yakko: [gasps] The Witch's Michaelangelo? Well. Now, that's a ceiling of a different color.
Michelangelo: [gasps] Argh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling?!
[Shows white ceiling]
Yakko: Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.
Michelangelo: You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures!
Wakko: Pictures? He wants pictures!
Yakko: Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. [whispering] This hasn't happened to us since that Venus de Milo arms fiasco.
Dot: Say, why don't you go paint that Moaning Lisa, Leonardo?
Michelangelo: That's Da Vinci!
Dot: That's delightful!
Yakko: That's de-lovely, but, we got a ceiling to paint.
Michelangelo: Wha-but-
Dot: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and two books] Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.
Wakko: [wearing toilet plungers on his feet] Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!
Yakko: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a refrigerator] Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?
Dot: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a fish bowl with a goldfish in it] And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.
Michelangelo: Oh, thank you.
Yakko: Now, don't you worry your pretty, little head. By the way, nice toga.
Michelangelo: [looking at wallpaper designs] Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- [realizing that he's been tricked, knocking the stack of wallpapers, books, and objects down] HEY, wait a minute! I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! [hits the cylinder, making the statue of Moses, and slams the door open] No. No! NO! [sees a bullfighter, A Waterloo by C.M. Coolidge, big-eyed children by Margaret Keane, and Elvis Presley; cries] I'm ruined! RUINED!
Dot: I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.
Michelangelo: It is supposed to look like THIS! [shows them The Sistine Chapel Ceiling paper]
Dot: Oh! More naked people!
Yakko: I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. [whispering] This is a church. [takes the paper, scrunches it up, and throws it away]
Michelangelo: But His Eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! [cries]
Yakko: Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We'll do it!
Yakko: [speaking at a podium as Wakko and Dot play "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" on kazoos] But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people.
[Yakko sprays white paint on the ceiling. Wakko sharpens a pencil, and paints outline on tightrope extremely quickly. Dot writes numbers on the ceiling. Michelangelo paints the ceiling using a trampoline]
[Low-angle shot of The Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The camera pans left to a blank space]
Michelangelo: I still don't know what to paint in this blank space. And his eminence will be here any minute.
Crowd: It's His Eminence! [as Michelangelo and The Warner Siblings turn and a red carpet rolls into The Sistine Chapel] His Eminence! Look, it's His Eminence! His Eminence is coming! His Eminence! Gadzooks, it's His Eminence!
Yakko: Don't worry, Mike. You go say howdy, we'll finish up.
Michelangelo: [runs up to His Eminence] Your Eminence. [kisses toes] I'm so glad you could come. [kisses toes] I worked so hard to please you. [kisses toes] I hope you'll like my ceiling. [shocked] HUH! I'm ruined!
[We see Elliot from E.T. in a juxtaposition of The Creation of Adam; Michelangelo cries. Camera pans up to reveal Steven Spielberg ]
Steven Spielberg: I like it!
Yakko: [giving Michelangelo a bowl of Quaker Oats Life cereal and pouring milk into it] Hey, Mikey, he likes it! [jumping into Steven Spielberg's arms] Painting is like show business. You have to know your audience.

Taming of the Screwy [1.05]

edit
[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]
Unknown man: [first lines; to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!
[Fade to inside of office]
Thaddeus Plotz: Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?
Thaddeus Plotz: I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mmm...Mel Gibson movies?
Thaddeus Plotz: YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us... [babbling and drooling in excitement] 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.
Thaddeus Plotz: No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.
Thaddeus Plotz: And including, the Warner Brothers.
[The Warner Siblings are running around outside]
Yakko and Wakko: Hi, T.P.!
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control! They're koo-koo! They're-
Thaddeus Plotz: Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those-What are they?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I don't know.
Thaddeus Plotz: Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Alright, I'll try.
Thaddeus Plotz: Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. [shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away] DO IT!!!
Dr. Scratchansniff:[bouncing out of the building] Uh! Eh! Pleugh! [falls down, and rests his elbow on the concrete, irate] Rggrgh!
[After "The Studio Shrink Song"]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop zat! Stop! Do you know why you're here?
Yakko: No one really knows why, Doc, although Schopenhauer put forth an interesting theory-
Dr. Scratchansniff: Zat's not what I meant!
Dot: Then why'd you say it?
Dr. Scratchansniff: You're misinterpreting!
Yakko: [standing next to Miss Interpreting] No, this is Miss Interpreting.
Wakko: [standing next to Miss Understanding] This is Miss Understanding.
Dot: [laying on a pillow] And I'm Miss-terious.
Wakko: [playing with a golden bust of Sigmund Freud] Wow, a giant Pez dispenser! Want one?
Yakko: [taking a Pez] Please.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop playing with my bust!
[Awkward pause]
Yakko: [blows the audience a kiss] Goodnight, everybody!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Be quiet, please! I have something to tell you!
Yakko: Ooh, story time!
Wakko: Get right to the scary part.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What scary part?
Dot: The part with my pet. [opens the tiny white box. Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [startled] Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now, listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars und everything, und, uh, you have been invited.
Warner Siblings: Movie stars?!
Yakko: Michelle Pfeiffer.
Dot: Mel Gibson.
Wakko: Don Knotts!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Please! There's also some bad news.
Dot: Bea Arthur is putting out a swimsuit calendar?
Dr. Scratchansniff: She is? Of course, not. No. The bad news is you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.
Dot: [wearing a party hat and holding a pony by the reins in front of balloons] I thought you said it was a party!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Und now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh, Miss Nurse! Will you please come in here?
[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively]
Yakko and Wakko: [panting] Hello, Nurse!
Dot: Boys, go fig.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Miss Nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on etiquette. We'll start with ze receiving line. [the Warner Siblings all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a conga dance] No, no, zat's a conga line!
Yakko: Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, in a receiving line, if I introduced her to you, what would be ze proper greeting?
Yakko and Wakko: Hello, Nurse!
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, a proper greeting like zis. [bows and shake hands] "How do you do?" Now, you try.
Yakko: [bows and shake hands] How do you do...that thing with your mouth? [lands in Hello Nurse's arms, then kisses her] Take me away, but be gentle. I'm fragile. [fractures into many tiny pieces]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [as Dot puts Yakko back together] No, no, it is impolite to be that personal. [to Wakko] Wakko?
Wakko: I disagree.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I want you to greet ze lady.
Wakko: [literally zooms around to Hello Nurse at lightning speed, with a lightning bolt trailing behind him, kissing her] Hello, Nurse!
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no, "How do you do?".
Wakko: Oh, fine, thanks. [shakes Dr. Scratchensniff's hand]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Rgh! [to Dot] Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little curtzy.
Dot: Thanks, but I did before I left home.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, a curtzy, make a little curtzy!
Yakko and Wakko: [laughing] Make a little curtzy, a curtzy! [do a curtzy] A little curtzy! [do a curtzy, they laugh more]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop it! Stop zat! I am not here to amuse you!
Yakko: Then, please, stop being so funny!
[Wakko laughs]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [facepalms] Now, Dot, please give it a try.
Dot: How do you do? [does a curtzy, then midway, collapses onto the floor] Tee-hee, curtsy laugh.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh! [double facepalms on the couch] Nngnhuh! Let's move on.
Yakko and Wakko: And lift!
Dot: [pushing a fridge with a lift] Comin' through!
Yakko: Uh, where do you want the couch, Mac?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Euugh!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution?
Yakko: Stay inside during a thunder storm.
[Wakko does a rim shot]
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, elocution, diction, pronunciation! We will work on our vowel sounds! Let's pronounce zis! A-e-i-o-u.
Warners: [trying to pronounce the as one word] "Aeiou"...
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. I want ze letters, the letters!
Warners: [dressed as mail men, throwing actual letters out of mail bags] Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff.
Yakko: Hey! Doctor Otto Scratchansniff! You may have won 10 million dollars!
Dot: Are you married? [kisses Dr. Scratchansniff 6 times. The lip imprints stay]
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, NO!
Dot: With a temper like that, it's no wonder.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop! Haltenzie! For-ge-No! In your seats! [the lip imprints disappear] If you want to go to the party, you must stop with the gags!
[The Warner Siblings all wear physical restraints. Wakko has a lock, and Yakko and Dot have blindfolds over their mouths]
Yakko: [in unison with Dot, taking the blindfolds off] Oh, alright.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Heh. Let's plunge ahead.
Warner Siblings: Okay!
[The Warner Siblings all jump off a high diving board into a small tub of water]
Wakko: Cannonball!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yergh!
[The Warner Siblings splash him and the screen]
[Dr. Scratchansniff is teaching The Warner Siblings table manners]
Dr. Scratchansniff: When it's time to eat, table manners are the upmost importance. I vant you to sit up.
The Warners: [acting like dogs] Woof!
Yakko: We can also play dead.
[The Warner Siblings roll over off the table]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Get up! Get up!
Dot: What, without a treat?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yes!
Yakko: Alright, but Shamu wouldn't work under these conditions.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But Shamu doesn't vant to go to the party!
Dot: Was he invited?
Dr. Scratchansniff: ARGH!
[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively in a French maid outfit with food. She brings the food down onto the table]
Yakko and Wakko: [panting] Hello, French nurse!
Dot: [inhales, pointing her finger up] Never mind. [crosses her arms]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, we will eat a practice meal, ja, und I will correct you as we go along. Begin. [the Warners drink the soups, throw the plates away, then jump around stuffing themselves and eating more food] Don't eat with your hands! You must use the proper tools! [as Yakko operates a dig machine as to dump food with a bigger total volume than Wakko into Wakko's mouth] Stop zat, sit down! Do you want to go to the party, or not?
Warners: [shaking their heads] Yes.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Gaargh! Fine. Now zen, you have a salad fork, a dinner fork, a butter knife, a water glass, a soup spoon, a dinner knife, a fish knife, an oyster fork, desert spoon, a napkin, a finger bowl, a dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate. Got it?
Wakko: Got it? I can beat it, I have a full house.
Yakko and Dot: [slamming their cards onto the table] Aw!
Dr. Scratchansniff: You're not paying attention. You didn't hear any of that. You're not listening to anything I say!
'Yakko: Well, sure we are, Doc. Let's review, shall we? ["The Etiquette Song" begins;singing] When you walk into a party it's a formal universe.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja!
The Warners: So you jump up on your host and with a kiss say "Hello, Nurse!"
Dr. Scratchansniff: No!
Yakko: Remember that good diction reflects so well on you.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja!
The Warners: So practice all your vowel sounds By saying "AEIOUUUUU"!
Dr. Scratchansniff: No!
Yakko: To use the right utensil is one of etiquette's demands.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Uuuuuggghhhh.
The Warners: So we recommend you throw them out and eat with your hands!
Dot: A salad fork.
Yakko: A dinner fork.
Wakko: A butter knife.
The Warners: A water glass.
Dot: A soup spoon.
Yakko: A dinner knife.
Wakko: A fork for eating pickled bass.
The Warners: An oyster fork, dessert spoon, a napkin, and a finger bowl, a dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate for your dinner roll! We've heard the rules you need to know to make that social climb but we'd rather spend our energy on having a good time!
[Song ends]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [spoken while sobbing] No. No! NO! I give up! It can't be done! Kaputski! [hugging his bust of Sigmund Freud] You're not going to the party!
Warner Siblings: Not going to the party? Why?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Why?! WHY?! Because you won't be polite, speak correctly, or say, "How do you do?"!!!
Dot: [realizing] Oh, that.
Yakko: You mean like this?
Warners: [all dressed up in proper attire] How do you do? [Dot does a curtzy while Yakko and Wakko bow]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [rubs his eyes in surprise and confusion] You-You can do zat?
Dot: Sure!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Then, why did you give me such a hard time?
Warners: [jump onto Scratchy, hugging him] 'Cause we love ya. [kiss him]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Heh. Well, then, let's party!
Thaddeus Plotz: [nervously] Please, tell our honored new investors this party is our way of saying welcome, and, heh heh heh, [in a Western accent] you're A-O.K., partner. Ha ha ha ha.
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Yoko so, soshite anat wa A-O.K., partner. ("Welcome, And you're A-O.K., partner.")
Thaddeus Plotz: [still nervous] Heh heh heh.
Ralph: Ahem. Dr. Scratchensniff is arriving with The Warner Brothers.
Thaddeus Plotz: [praying] Please, let those kids behave. I want my money. I want my money.
Ralph: Uh... [points to Dr. Scratchensniff and the Warner Siblings]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mr. Chairman, may I present, the Warner Brothers!
Dot: Addendum-the Warner Sister.
Warners: [bowing] How do you do?
Miss Tanaka: [in a Japanese accent] Gokigen ikaga desuka? ("How are you?")
Yakko: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Tokyo wa totemo omoshiroi tokuro desu ne. ("Tokyo is an extremely interesting place, isn't it?")
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko, in a Japanese accent] Zehi irashite kudesai. ("Please, go there.")
Yakko: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Mada iki basho ga areba ne. ("If there's still a place to go, eh?")
[He and the Japanese investors laugh. Thaddeus Plotz laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]
[The Warners walk into the party. They see Spike Lee, Annette Bening, and Warren Beatty sitting at a table]
Spike Lee: [to a baby on Warren Beatty's back] How about a smile, please baby, please baby baby baby please?
[They see Bea Arthur sitting at a fancy party with Danny DeVito, who is dressed as The Penguin, eating a large bucket of fish]
Bea Arthur: I'm putting out a swimsuit calendar.
Danny DeVito: [gags] Not while I'm eating!
Thaddeus Plotz: Good work, Scratchansniff. I'm amazed! Heh, you did it! The Warners behaved. [turns around, serious] Now, get them out of here.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shocked] What? But they did their part of the bargain.
Thaddeus Plotz: I want them out. I don't have that check yet, and they're not going to mess it up. Get 'em out!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [sighs sadly, walks up to the Warners] Vell, kids, that's enough for one night, eh?
Warner Siblings: [confused] Huh?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [leading them back to the water tower] Don't want you to get over-tired. It's getting late. So, it's off to bed with you. Now, now, come along. Let's go nighty-night.
Yakko: Hey, what are you doing?
Dot: Yeah!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh. I'm sorry, but ze chairman of the board said you had to leave.
Yakko: But we behaved!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Now, go on now. Go-Go on now. [leaves]
Dot: No dinner with Mel Gibson?
Yakko: No dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer?
Wakko: No chit-chat with Don Knotts?
Yakko: [as he, Wakko, and Dot climb up the ladder] Well, I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home. [climbing back down] Now is not one of those times.
[The Warners sneak back into the party, wearing their signature outfits]
Thaddeus Plotz: Uh, some party, huh?
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Yoi pati de sune? To itemasu. ("I'm saying, 'Good Party, isn't it?'")
[Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor both glare at Thaddeus Plotz]
Thaddeus Plotz: [nervously] Heh heh.
[After The Warner Siblings have scared off the Xenomorph ]
Mr. Kato: [delightfully sees the Warners in a Japanese accent] Asoko ni Warner Brothers ga iru. ("There is The Warner Brothers there.")
Thaddeus Plotz: [spits the drink in shock] The Warners?! Where's Scratchensniff?!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [talking to Michael Keaton, who is dressed as Batman] I don't want to drive ze Batmobile. I just want to sit in it.
Thaddeus Plotz: [grabs Scratchy] I told you to send those kids home!
Dr. Scratchansniff: B-But I did!
Thaddeus Plotz: Well, they're back! You'd better help me catch them! They'll ruin everything!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ohh!
Jack Palance: Hey, Slappy, did you ever see this? [does a one-armed pushup like he did at the Oscars]
Slappy: Save it for the Jack LaLanne story, bubele! [to Luke Perry ] Y'know, you remind me of a very mature Jonny Quest.
[Michelle Pfieffer who is dressed as Catwoman is drinking milk from a saucer. She is licking her left arm]
Yakko and Wakko: [popping up out of the saucer] Hello Kitty!
Michelle Pfieffer: Who are you?
Yakko and Wakko: [jumping out of the saucer] We're The Warner Brothers.
Michelle Pfieffer: Like the studio?
Yakko: Not much, but we don't have a choice.
Wakko: Did you know there's a Thing in your milk?
[The Thing hops out of the saucer. The Thing walks away]
Thaddeus Plotz: [offscreen] There they are, Scratchansniff!
[Wakko runs off]
Yakko: Save a spot for me on your dance card. [runs off]
[Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff chase after Yakko and Wakko]
[Thaddeus Plotz has captured the Warners]
Thaddeus Plotz: Ruin my studio, will you?! You-You-You whatever you ares!
Miss Tanaka: [tapping on his shoulder] Mr. Kato would like to know who is responsible for all of this.
Thaddeus Plotz: It was them! I had nothing to do with it. They're responsible!
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Warner Brothers no sekinin desu. ("This is the responsibility of The Warner Brothers.")
Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor: [to Yakko, in Japanese accents in unison] Great party! Great party! Great party! Great party! Ha ha ha ha!
Thaddeus Plotz: Great party? Oh, oh, oh, yes. Uh, Great party![laughs. The Japanese investors glare at him; sighs weakly]
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko] We love The Warner Brothers! [giving The Warner Siblings the 1 billion dollar check] And here you go.
Miss Tanaka: Mr. Kato presents the check for 1 billion dollars.
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko] You are A-O.K., partner!
Madonna: [walks up to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor] C'mon, you guys. We're going to play Truth or Dare. [takes them away arm and arm]
[Thaddeus Plotz's turns red, steaming up]
Yakko: [to Dr. Scratchansniff] Well, Doc, there's a lesson to be learned in all of this.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah? What's that?
Yakko: I have no idea, but apparently it's worth a billion dollars.
Thaddeus Plotz: [last lines; in anger] That's my check! Give me that! [starts chasing after The Warner Siblings, speeding] Give me that! That's mine! Come back here with my money! That's my check!
[Dr. Scratchansniff turns to the audience and gives the "Crazy" gesture before fading to black, ending this episode]

Flipper Parody/Temporary Insanity/Operation: Lollipop/What Are We? [1.06]

edit
Thaddeus Plotz: [after hanging up on the Warners] Oh my. What have I done? Where's my aspirin? [opens his cabinet drawer]
[Yakko, Wakko and Dot appear out of the drawer]
Yakko: Reporting for work, sir!
[Yakko, Wakko and Dot kiss Mr. Plotz, and start cleaning and organizing his office]
Thaddeus Plotz: Get back in your tower!
Wakko: I thought you needed us to be your secretaries.
Thaddeus Plotz: Never! [Wakko swallows Plotz's WB shield-shaped paperweight] And give me back my paperweight!
Wakko: Okay, but you'll have to wait a while.
Yakko: [blows a kiss, to the audience] Goodnight, everybody!
Thaddeus Plotz: Ew!
Thaddeus Plotz: I want you to take a letter.
Wakko: Where do you want me to take it?
Thaddeus Plotz: No, no. I mean I want you to write a letter.
Wakko: Okay. [takes out a notepad and a pencil] Dear Santa, I have been ever so good this year. I would like a new mallet and a shiny brass anvil.
Thaddeus Plotz: No! No! No! No! Write a letter for me! For me!
Wakko: Well, I don't know what you want for Christmas.
Thaddeus Plotz: STOP!!!!
Yakko: Time out!
[The Warners freeze]
Thaddeus Plotz: When will this insanity end?!
Dot: When one of us answers the phone, silly.
Thaddeus Plotz: I did not know that.
Yakko: Time in!
[The Warners resume running]

Piano Rag/When Rita Met Runt [1.07]

edit
Rita: What's a human good for, anyway?
["Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be" plays]
Runt: They pet you when they're sad.
Rita: They smack you when you're bad.
Runt: When you're hungry they definitely feed you.
Rita: Yeah, on vacation they leave you with hardly no food.
Ring a bell, dude? Exactly my point.
Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be.
They don't mean that much to me.
No, not much at all.
When you're little and tiny they pet your cute hiney,
But then when you grow it's a simple no-show.
It's "shoo shoo off this" and "don't you dare scratch on that".
If they call you at all it's always "dumb cat".
Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be.
They don't mean that much to me.
No, not much at all.
But when it's all dark and quiet I try hard to fight it.
But I dream of home then I won't have to roam.
Someone to feed me and put me to bed and scratch me just so on top of my head.
But I ain't gonna love 'em. Not gonna answer that call 'cause
Humans don't mean that much to me.
No, not much at all.

The Warner Lot Song/The Big Candy Store/Bumbie's Mom [1.08]

edit
Singer: [singing]
Just listen up and you'll hear a tale, a tale of the Warner three!
Went on the water tower, they did try to flee!
They shot into the puffy clouds, some seeds to make it rain and rain!
It did so much in fact the tower floated away! All around L.A.!
When the rain dried up, the tower was aground on the Burbank lot,
The Warner Brothers then escaped with their sister, Dot! And they took off like a shot!
Now, they're being chased around the Warner Studio.
By Scratchansniff and Hello Nurse, the CEO, Ralph the Guard,
Some movie stars, the Professor and Mary Ann on the Warner's Lot!
[Cartoon opens up on The Goodfeathers. Camera pans left to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. "Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairies" from "The Nutcracker Suite by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays in the background. Fade to inside. A weasel in fine clohtes and a toupee, is sucking on a green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July walks up to the counter]
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Eh, beggin' yer pardon, sir.
Ferman Flaxseed: [taking the green sucker out of his mouth] Yes?! Yes?! What?! What?! What?!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: I'm Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July, and-well, I was wonderin', Mr. Flaxseed, our orphanage hasn't much money, and, well-would you consider donating some of your fine candies to our sweet boys and girls for our Easter celebration?
Ferman Flaxseed: [looks at the camera] You mean - for free?
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: Yes, exactly.
Ferman Flaxseed: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- [camera trucks-in on his mouth. As he laughs, his tonsils, each with a purple toupee, laugh with him. Camera trucks-out of his mouth] AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha! NO! [kicks Sister Margaret-Anne-June-July out. She blows raspberries, then walks away] Deadbeats! Where DO they come from?
[The Warners ride on a city bus, in Roman outfits. Yakko is whipping the bus. The green light turns red. The bus stops at the red light, neighing like a horse]
Yakko: How's that for an entrance?
Wakko: [sniffs]
Dot: [pointing to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy] Look!
Singers: [offscreen, as light shines on Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Yakko: One of these days, I'm gonna find those singers!
[The Warners jump off the bus and go to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. Ferman Flaxseed is sucking on the green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Close-up of Ferman Flaxseed's reflection. He sees The Warner Siblings reflection in it. The Warner Siblings look in the window, pressed against the glass]
Ferman Flaxseed: Hmm? [turns to see the Warners outside the window] Oh! What horrifying little children! I shall be frightened for hours! [waving to the Warners to go away] Go away! Go away! Shoo, shoo! You frighten me!
Dot: Look! He's waving at us! What a nice man! He wants us to come in!
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [enters the candy store; singing] The candyman's swell, one look and you can tell that this nice man wears a toupee
Wakko: Please don't mind what I will now say, I think that you should wear a beret.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hey!
Yakko and Wakko: [spoken] We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot: And the Warner sister!
Ferman Flaxseed: Buy something or leave!
Yakko: [to the viewer] I like him! Don't you?
Wakko: This is a great store, Mr. Candyman!
Ferman Flaxseed: I'm not the Candyman!
Dot: Well, you sell candy, don't cha, kid?
Ferman Flaxseed: I'm not a kid!
Yakko: Relax, my good man!
Ferman Flaxseed: I am not your good man!
Yakko: [sitting on the counter] Hmm...we're running out of options here.
Ferman Flaxseed: What...do you want?!
Yakko: [grabbing a jar of red jelly beans] Well, world peace would be nice...and a Chevrolet in every driveway...an end to pestilence and famine...and pestilence... [Ferman Flaxseed takes the jar of red jelly beans] Until then; we're just browsing!
[The Warner=s start touching and eating the candy. Dot licks the lollipops, Yakko drinks out of the melted milk chocolate barrel, and Wakko licks a candy cane]
Ferman Flaxseed: Stop! Stop! Stop touching everything! If you want to see something, ask!
Dot: All right! We'd like to see the jellybeans!
[Ferman Flaxseed shows them a jar of jelly beans]
Wakko: Not those! Those! [points upwards]
[Ferman Flaxseed looks up to see a giant jar of jelly beans on top of the giant shelf. The camera turns to truck-out fast to a high-angle shot of the really tall ladder. He turns to the Warners, nervous. The Warners smile. He climbs a very tall ladder, passing a goat on two giant candy canes]
Goat: Baa!
[Ferman Flaxseed continues climbing, passing an astronaut]
Astronaut: Come in, Houston.
[Ferman Flaxseed is near the top, where the giant jar of jelly beans is. His right eye gets big. He looks down, nervously. Close-up on Ferman Flaxseed's nervous face, shaking nervously, sweating]
Dot: Don't look down! You might fall and hit your head and die and your brains would leak out all over!
[Ferman Flaxseed gulps. He grabs the giant jar of jelly beans]
Ferman Flaxseed: [as the ladder trembles, rocking back and forth] Goh! Uuh - ooh!
Yakko: Whoa! Dumber than advertised!
[Ferman Flaxseed climbs down the really tall ladder]
Ferman Flaxseed: [panting] There! Now...how many do you want?
Yakko: Oh, we don't want any! We just wanted to SEE 'em!
Warners: [look at the giant jar of jellybeans] Thank you!
Ferman Flaxseed: [leaping over the counter] Right! So you're making fun of me!
Yakko: We aren't making fun of ya! THIS is making fun of ya.
Warners: [in stupid voices] We sell candy! We sell candy!
Dot: See the difference?
[Ferman Flaxseed snaps and jumps at them, but The Warner Siblings dodge him and run between the other aisles]
Wakko: [grabbing taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine] I love a taffy pull! [pulls the taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine through three aisles and a stack of cans in a zigzag path, only to run into Ferman Flaxseed]
Ferman Flaxseed: Give that to me! [Wakko gives him the taffy] Eaowgh! [the taffy pulls him through the stack of cans and the three aisles in the zigzag path. He smashes into The Mr. Taffy Machine. He gets up, covered in taffy]
Warners: [chugging past him as a train, puffing out smoke] Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo- [offscreen] Whoooo-whoooo! [they make a hissing noise as they shuffle to him]
Dot: [handing him the toupee] You dropped your hair!
Ferman Flaxseed: [angrily getting out of the taffy machine] Blblblbl! [putting on toupee] Bleugh! Now, this really takes the cake!
[Each Warner Sibling has a cake]
Wakko: Where do you want us to take 'em?
Ferman Flaxseed: [pushing the cakes] Ough! Either you BUY something right now, or I shall delight in throwing you out of here!
Yakko: That's going to be a problem. See, we don't have any money.
Dot: Can we have something for free?
Ferman Flaxseed: For FREE?!?! [kicks the Warner Siblings out]
Yakko: Hey! He can't do that to us! [they go back in and get kicked out again] On second thought, uhhhhh...maybe he can!
Ferman Flaxseed is pouring a bag of marshmallows into a barrel. Yakko, disguised as a mail man, comes in with a telegram for him]
Yakko: Telegram for Ferman Flaxseed! [hands him the envelope] How about a tip?
Ferman Flaxseed: Don't eat lead!
Wakko: [as he and Dot appear out of envelope] Didja miss us?
Dot: Give us a kiss, kid! [kisses him on the nose. They run as he gives chase]
Wakko: Look! Malted milk balls! [pours the malted milkballs out of the jar and into his mouth. He becomes a machine gun as Ferman Flaxseed advances towards them. He spits them out with Dot winding his tail, shooting at Ferman Flaxseed. Ferman Flaxseed deflects the malted milkballs, which go into Yakko's mouth, using the silver platter as a shield. Wakko runs out of malted milkballs] I'm out!
Ferman Flaxseed: [angrily grabs Wakko and Dot and holds them up] Naugh-ty, naugh-ty children!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [offscreen] Stop right there! [as her shadow overlooms Ferman Flaxseed] You put those children down, you beast!
[Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July stands at the doorway with a ruler, very angrily; Yakko smiles]
Ferman Flaxseed: But, you-don't understand! They were-
Wakko and Dot: [pretending to cry] WAH!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: Come on, girls! That's the one I toldja about! Get him!
[She and the nuns march in angrily, with yard sticks in their hands. Camera trucks-in on Ferman Flaxseed's terrified face]
Ferman Flaxseed: Wait! You're nuns! You're not allowed to resort to physical violence!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: He's right. Let us pray. [she and the nuns pray mumblingly. Outside Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy, a Notre Lame bus pulls up. Cheerleaders and The Notre Lame Marching Band come out of the bus as The Notre Lame Football Team comes to beat up Ferman Flaxseed] Our prayers have been answered! [blows the whistle]
[The Notre Lame Football Team marches down an aisle of Cheerleaders and beat up Ferman Flaxseed]
Warnerss: [cheerleading] Clobber Flaxseed, clobber Flaxseed! Sis-boom-bah! Fighting Irish, Fighting Irish! Rah! Rah! Rah!
Dot: Go, Flaxseed! [violence stops] Just kidding!
[Violence continues. The Warners eat popcorn as they watch the violence. The Notre Lame Football Team stops beating up Ferman Flaxseed, and leaves. So do Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July and the nuns. Ferman Flaxseed is beaten up and weak from the fight]
Yakko: You should go hit the shower!
[They throw him into the quick drying chocolate. He gets covered in chocolate]
Wakko: Make sure to wash behind your ears!
[They dunk him in quick drying chocolate. He becomes a chocolate bunny]
Dot: He's so cute!
[Last lines]
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: I know all of us here at the orphanage want to thank the Warner Brothers...
Dot: And the Warner sister!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: ...for donatin' this lovely chocolate Easter Bunny to the children!
[Kids cheer as they rush toward the chocolate bunny]
Yakko: Wait'll they get to the creamy filling!
[The Warners wave their eyebrows]
Warner Siblings: [singing] The crankiest of critters in the whole wide world. Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
Slappy: [opening the door] Ehhh, enough with the singin' already! [closes the door]
Warner Siblings: [singing] That's Slappy!
[Bumbie's Mom gets shot, causing Skippy to drop his popcorn]
Bumbie: Mommy?
Skippy: [starts to tear up] Bumbie's Mommy... [cries]
Slappy: [surprised out of her nap] Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel! [she then stares at the crying Skippy]
Skippy: [crying] Bumbie's Mommy!
Slappy: Calm down kiddo, it's just a movie. She's not really...
Skippy: Dead, she's dead. Bumbie's an orphan! [resumes his loud sobbing]
Walrus Lady: [annoyed, tapping on Slappy's shoulder] WHAT is that child's problem?!
Slappy: Me! And in about 2 seconds, you're gonna share that problem.
Lady: Well! I never!
Slappy: Well, you should. It's fun. [pushes the walrus lady back into her seat and sits down herself. Skippy looks up and lets out a weepy gasp in horror as the background changes red. A terrifying forest fire has started in the movie, and Skippy moans and cries in fear now] What do you say we get some air, eh?
[Skippy lets out another scared sob]
Bumbie: [prances through the wildfire in fear] Mommy?
[Skippy bawls loudly at this. Slappy picks him up and starts carrying him out of the theater. The walrus lady is about to say something]
Slappy: Say one word and I'll throw dynamite down your pants!
Slappy: We're going to Tumcumcari, New Mexico.
Slappy: Why?
Slappy: To meet Bumbie's Mom.
Skippy: Bumbie's Mom? She's... [cries loudly and grossly]
Slappy: [to the camera] Pavlov would love this kid.
Hello Nurse: Would you like anything?
Slappy: Perhaps a sedative?
Hello Nurse: Huh? I don't get it.
Slappy: Go away. [Hello Nurse shrugs and begins to walk off in a sultry manner. A suitcase drops down from the overhead compartment and opens to reveal the three Warner siblings]
Yakko and Wakko: Helloooooo, nurse!
[Hello Nurse runs off, and Yakko and Wakko pursue her. Dot dances away on her toes to the tune of "Dance of the Reed Flutes"]
Slappy: [to the camera] That was pointless.

Wally Llama/Where Rodents Dare [1.09]

edit
[Open on The Himilayas. Triumphant music plays in the background]
Narrator: The Himalayas. The largest mountains on the face of the Earth. [Fade to an "Up this way" sign, outside Mt. Gesundheit] And here, high atop Mt. Gesundheit, lives the wisest creature in the world. The great Wally Llama, knower of all that is knowable. People from all over the globe seek his advice, for there is no question he does not have an answer to.
Wally Llama: So, you see, Miss MacLaine, there is no way you could have been Kaye Ballard in another life. She is a Winter, and you are definitely an Autumn.
Shirley MacLaine: It's true! There is no question you don't know the answer to. Oh, thank you, Wally Llama. [kissing Wally Llama on the lips] Mmm . [skips away]
Wally Llama: Huh, boy, what a dumb question. Phew! [goes back inside his temple. He puts a "Closed" sign on his door] All day long questions, questions. I'm sick of questions! I will answer no more questions today. [goes into his meditation room. He sits down on his cushion, pulling on a rope. A T.V. set pops up. He watches a Western, sighing]
[Outside the temple, The Warner Siblings are walking up the stairs to The Temple of Wally Llama. They sit down on a step, tired, exhausted, panting]
Yakko: Phew. That's worse than sweating to the oldies.
Dot: But not as annoying.
Yakko: True, no Richard Simmons.
[Dot pants. Wakko Eats snow, then turns to see The Temple of Wally Llama]
Wakko: Hey, there it is! The temple of Wally Llama!
Dot: C'mon!
[The Warner Siblings run up to the doors. Yakko rings the doorbell]
Yakko: Wow. Just think, siblings, soon we'll know the answer to the most important question in the whole wide world.
[Wakko Eats more snow. Yakko rings the doorbell]
Wally Llama: Go away! [all Warner Siblings sniff themselves and shrug. Yakko rings the doorbell again] I said, "Go away"! I am missing Baywatch.
Wakko: But we have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very- [Yakko jabs him with his elbow] important question to ask you.
Wally Llama: I'm sick of questions! Everybody always wants to ask me a question. [mockingly] "Oh, Wally Llama, I have a question". "Oh, Wally Llama, why is this?" "Why is that?" [angrily] No! I am not answering anymore questions today!
Yakko: How come?
Wally Llama: That's a question! And I'm not answering it. So there! [slams door]
[Yakko rings doorbell]
Dot: This is fun!
Wally Llama: WHAT?!
[The Warner Siblings put on a slide show]
Dot: Oh, great Llama, we have journeyed 8,000 miles through rain, sleet, and snow.
Wakko: I got sick in Phoenix.
Dot: We humbly request that you answer our one, tiny, ever-so-important question.
Wally Llama: Well... [angrily shouting, blowing Dot away] NO! [slams door]
Yakko: Our new friend.
[Wally Llama speaks Nepalese as he angrily walks back to his meditation room. He sits back on his cushion. He turns the T.V. back on]
TV Salesman: New White and Bright will get your clothes whiter and brighter than new. Just look!
[The Warner Siblings all pop out of the "White and Bright Detergent" box in the commercial]
Wakko: Please, answer our question!
Wally Llama: No! And get out of my TV. [turns off the T.V. He angrily gets up and walks to his door. He opens the door to see The Warner Siblings at it]
The Warner Siblings: [singing, as Wally Llama screams while his eyes grow big] Llama, Llama, Llama, my question answer, please. [Wally Llama slams the door, then runs to another door. He opens the other door to see The Warner Siblings dancing] When we hear the answer, we promise that we'll leave! Hey!
Wally Llama: [slams the door] Ooh, a thousand pities on me.
[The Warner Siblings come out of his hat and kiss him]
Dot: Come on, Mr. Llama head,
Wakko: Just one itsy bitsy question?
Wally Llama: NO! [He pours The Warner Siblings out of his hat, then runs away]
Dot: Your mouth may say "No".
Wakko: But your eyes say "Yes".
[The Warner Siblings chase him. Wally Llama runs out of his temple. He hides behind a column, peeking out from behind it]
Wally Llama: Wait a minute. I am the great Wally Llama, the wisest being on Earth. I must use my smarty-brains. [thinks] Ah, I know where they will never find me. [claps. He teleports to the clouds, floating in air, repeating "Llama" many times. Yakko Pokes Wally Llama] What?
Yakko: What're you doing?
Wally Llama: I'm hiding from the puppy children.
Yakko: Puppy children?
Wally Llama: Oh, golly, yes. They have long ears like that, and beady black eyes like that, and white faces like a spooky clown, and- [suddenly realizes that The Warner Siblings have found him] GAHH! [He falls, trying to levitate again, but crashes into the ground] Llama.
[The Warner Siblings floats down to him]
Yakko: So, how about that question?
Wally Llama: AAH!!! [runs away; whistles] Taxi!
Unknown Taxi driver: [offscreen, in a male New York accent] Where to, Mac?
Wally Llama: That's a question, I'm not answering it. Just drive! Terrible puppy children are after me! [turns to see Dot driving the taxi cab]
Dot: Hey! We're not puppies!
[Wally Llama screeches like a monkey and runs out of the taxi cab. Pinky and The Brain sneak across the screen. Wally Llama runs to his temple]
The Warner Siblings: [offscreen] Hello, Llama!
Wally Llama: AAH!!! [runs out of his temple while The Warner Siblings give chase. He falls in exhaustion after fleeing from The Warner Siblings] Go away, please!
Yakko: Okay, fine. We know when we're not wanted. We can take a hint, you know. Come on, sibs. He probably doesn't know the answer to our question anyway.
Wally Llama: There is no question that I do not know the answer to.
Yakko: Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't know the answer to this one. Just, ah - just forget it.
Wally Llama: But I know. I know everything!
Yakko: No, you don't. Not this.
Wally Llama: [runs to The Warner Siblings] There is no question in the world I do not know the answer to. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me.
Yakko: [turns to the viewer and waves his eye brows twice] I thought you weren't answering any questions.
Wally Llama: Well, I'm not. Just this one to prove to you that I know everything.
Yakko: Well, uhh...okay. Here's our question. [leaning in with Wakko and Dot as Dot's eye is briefly seen detached from her face] Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8?
[The Warner Siblings lean in at Wally Llama's face, and wave their eye brows thrice]
Wally Llama: I...I...I don't know. [sweating] I don't know. [as his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes] I don't know! [as his pupils dilate] I-I-I-I-I-I- [flapping his lips, using his fingers, as his eyes his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes again and turn into swirls] Blblblbbllbi - Ho-hohoho ho ha wha ha! [jumping up and down at The Warner Siblings] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! [flips his lips, then sprouts four heads] Gobble gobble gobble gobble! [all four heads merge back into one head] Kama kama kama kama, rper, llama llama llama! [speaks Nepalese as he bends the film of the video, and dances away, scattering flowers all over the place]
Yakko: Maybe we should just write Dear Abby. [waves his eye brows as the cartoon irises-out]

King Yakko [1.10]

edit
["Let the Anvils Ring" plays]
Yakko: Let us introduce ourselves, o people of this land.
Wakko: We are the Warner brothers...
Dot: With sister close at hand.
Yakko: I bet you all are wondering who is this young unknown? And why am I inheriting the Anvilanian throne?
Men: Yes, why?
Women: Yes, why?
Crowd: Oh, please, please tell us why.
Yakko: The bottom of the family tree. Starts with Yakko; that is me. I'm the cousin to the sister of son's niece's brother, of the uncle's daughter's father, of the nephew's sister's mother, and my grandpa's only cousin was the King's daughter's sibling, but they're all gone.
Crowd: So that is why...
Yakko: I am now your king!
Crowd: He is now our king!
Yakko: Yes, I am now your king! Repeat what I just said!
Crowd: Repeat what I just said! He is now our king!
Yakko: And let the anvils ring!
[Anvil instrumental break with Anvil Chorus]
The Warners: [to the tune of Old McDonald] Old King Yakko's mania [anvils play "E-I-E-I-O"] Was for Anvilania! [anvils play "E-I-E-I-O"]
Yakko: So good citizens, I pledge to you, I'll do the best that I can do. For honor, country and the king...Let the anvils ring!
Crowd: Let the anvils ring!
Yakko: Let the anvils ring!
Chorus: Let the anvils ring!
Arch Bishop: King Yakko, your throne.
Wakko: The throne? How do you lift the lid?
Dot: Since when do you lift the lid?
Umlatt: I will go there and demand they surrender. The king is a child. He will crumble before me. It will be like taking anvils from a baby. [laughs evilly as camera zooms into his mouth] Ooogh! Get the camera out of my mouth!
Umlatt: No, no! This is the uniform of a great man!
Yakko: Does he know you're wearing it?
Umlatt: I am Umlatt of Donlikus, and I am here to demand you surrender Anvilania to me! I give you 24 hours to vacate!
Yakko: Vacation already? This is only my first day on the job!
Umlatt: I demand your surrender!
Yakko: I will not surrender! You surrender!
Umlatt: Me, surrender?
Yakko: Okay, I accept. Hand over the keys to your castle.
Umlatt: Don't be ridiculous! I'll go to war before I surrender!
Yakko: Well go ahead, and don't you come back until you've learned some manners, young man!
Umlatt: Very well, you silly child! [throwing his hands into the air] This means war!
Yakko: I thought that meant touchdown?

No Pain, No Painting/Les Miseranimals [1.11]

edit
Dot: I’d be a great model. What does Christie Brinkley have that I don’t have?
Yakko and Wakko: Billy Joel!
[Wakko plays the rimshot, via stock footage from Taming of the Screwy]
Pablo Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Pardon?
Pablo Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Boy. The stuff they're getting away with on kid shows these days.
Yakko: I’ve got the beans!
Wakko: I’ve got the ketchup!
Dot: I’ve got the buns!
Yakko: Says you!

Garage Sale of the Century/West Side Pigeons [1.12]

edit
[The cartoon opens up on a street with garage sale signs everywhere. Camera pans right to Papa Bear's house]
Papa Bear: [counting his $700] 700 big ones. [laughs delightfully. He looks left and right. He puts the $700 in his shirt]
Customer: 'Scuse me.
Papa Bear: Hi, neighbor, what can I do you for?
Customer: [showing him a small wooden pepper grinder] What is this?
Papa Bear: Well, this, uh, this thing, it's a, uh, gribble refiner. Very valuable, one of a kind.
Customer: What's a gribble refiner?
Papa Bear: What's a gri - you refine gribble with it, for heaven's sake. You don't have to buy it, make your own. Enough gribble for everyone.
Customer: Wow! I'll take it!
Papa Bear: Good man! [adding on an adding machine, taking his money, one-by-one] That's $19.95 plus tax, license, destination fee, shipping and handling. Whoops. I forgot research and development. Nice doing business with ya. [tosses him away]
Customer: [offscreen] Bye-bye!
Old lady: [tapping Papa Bear on his right shoulder] Excuse me.
[Camera pans down left to an old lady]
Papa Bear: What can I do ya for?
Old lady: [showing him the action figure with its head popping up on a spring] I bought this from your garage sale an hour ago, and when I got it home, it fell apart.
Papa Bear: It's supposed to that. Gives it character.
Old lady: Oh, no. It's broken, and I'd like my money back.
Papa Bear: Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm a fair man, let's compromise. [shouting at her] NO REFUNDS!!!! [throws her away into a tree. Walks away, dusting his hands]
Old lady: That was rude.
Yakko: [reading sign] "Garage sale". [to Wakko and Dot] Must be this way.
[The Warner Siblings run to the garage sale]
Wakko: [runs back to the old lady in the tree] Hello, lady in the tree. [He runs back to his siblings]
Old lady: What a charming lad.
Yakko: [measuring the garage with Wakko's tongue] 22 feet wide. [lets go of Wakko's tongue and it winds back into his mouth, pumps Wakko's tail to jack his neck up to the top of the garage]
Wakko: 10 feet tall!
[Papa Bear counts his cash, but sees The Warners measuring his garage. He puts the cash in his shirt and goes to his garage]
Dot: Oh, Yakko, it's just the perfect size, it'll fit right on top of the water tower!
Wakko: [bites the piece of the roof; noticed Papa Bear approaching] Hey, the owner's coming.
Yakko: [whispering to Wakko and Dot] Remember, sibs, don't let him know were interested, or we won't get a good deal. [whistles]
[The Warner Siblings walk around while Papa Bear watches them, suspiciously]
Papa Bear: [blocking them] What are you kids doing?
Yakko: Nah, it's just not what we're looking for, uhh...it's all wrong.
Wakko: You'd have to pay us to take it away.
[Dot and Yakko smile at each other]
Yakko: But, uhh...I think we could see our way clear to pay you, hmm, what's fair? ¢26?
Papa Bear: What are you talking about?
Yakko: Now, now, none of that. We're not here to haggle. ¢26 is our final offer for your garage. Take or leave it.
Dot: Take it, oh, take it, please, please! [Yakko shakes his head rapidly, waving his finger] Or not. I don't care.
Papa Bear: You kids are crazy. Get off of my property!
Yakko: ¢27, but this is as high as we go for this particular garage. [to Wakko] You'll have to sell your Don Knotts videos.
[Wakko whimpers]
Papa Bear: [pushing them out] The garage is not for sale! [closes the garage door with the garage door opener]
Wakko: Ooh, [grabbing at the garage door opener] can I press the button?
Papa Bear: No!
Wakko: [grabbing onto the garage door opener] Oh, please, please? [Both he and Papa Bear release the garage door opener. The garage door opener smashes]
Papa Bear: Now, look what you've done!
Wakko: [picking up the broken garage door opener] Don't worry, Mister. I can fix it! It'll be good as new.
Papa Bear: Give me that back!
Wakko: I'll fix it, I'll fix it! I'll be right back. [runs between Papa Bear's legs, taking the garage door opener to repair it]
[Papa Bear is on all fours, looking at Yakko and Dot upside down]
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and two pennies] So, how about it, Pally? ¢27. Deal?
Papa Bear: [to Yakko and Dot, walking up to them] What are you kids, nuts? My garage isn't for sale. It's worth at least $20,000.
Dot: Fine. Let's meet somewhere in the middle.
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and three pennies] ¢28.
Papa Bear: Why, you little-! [Yakko and Dot run before Papa Bear can catch them. He chases them all over his front yard] Get outta here!
Yakko: Not until you sell us the garage.
Wakko: [uses the garage door opener on Papa Bears roof, raising it] Faboo! [gets the roof back on the house, nearly crushing the house. He uses it on a trendy couple, turning them upside down. He turns them back right side up. Yakko and Dot run over a door, passing him. He uses it on the door, raising it at Papa Bear. CRASH! Yellow stars, blue stars, and red swirls fill the screen. Papa Bear sees flying white balls. Wakko uses the garage door on the door] Almost got it fixed.
[Yakko and Dot grab Wakko and take him as Papa Bear falls down. THUD! The ground shakes]
Dot: What are we gonna do, Yakko? I don't think he wants to sell.
Yakko: We'll have to try a different approach.
[Two women walk pass The Warners. Wakko is about to use the garage door opener on them]
Dot: [taking the garage door away from him, grabbing his left arm] That will be enough of that.
Yakko: Every boy needs a hobby.
[After the auction, Papa Bear sees through Yakko's disguise and pulls off his fake moustache]
Papa Bear: You!
Yakko: Who?
Papa Bear: Get outta here!
Old lady: [offscreen] That's him, Officer!
[Papa Bear turns to see the old lady, a policeman, and an angry mob of angry customers]
Policeman: [angrily] These people tell me you won't give 'em refunds.
Papa Bear: [trying to lie] But, Officer, I've given all my profits to charity. I have no money! [Wakko uses the garage door opener. Money, cash registers, and a piggy bank fall out of his shirt; laughs nervously]
Old lady: [to the angry mob] Get the money!
[The angry mob of angry customers, Batman, Buster Bunny, Babs Bunny, and Dizzy Devil rush towards Papa Bear and beat him up, taking all of their money back. Papa Bear picks up a penny. The old lady takes the penny and sticks her tongue out at him, then leaves]
Papa Bear: [cries] I'm penniless, broke, nothing!
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and a penny] Say, how'd you like to make twenty-six cents?
[Last lines; the Warners are on top of the water tower with Papa Bear's garage]
Dot: [sighs happily] Our very own garage.
Yakko: [reading paper] Hey, check this out. Tomorrow, some guy's having a yard sale.

Hello Nice Warners/La Behemoth/Little Old Slappy from Pasadena [1.13]

edit
Mr. Director: I'm balled over. That was good. You kids got it. You got that special zingy thing. That thing that only comes from here. [points at Yakko's chest]
Yakko: That's just a spaghetti stain.
Mr. Director: See, that's funny. You're wack-o!
Yakko: No. [grabs Wakko] This is Wakko.
Mr. Director: You're funny!
Yakko: No, I'm Yakko. And, that's Dot.
Dot: [painting "The Scream"] Have we met before?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh! I love these kids! They are so funny! Sweet kids who look like puppies! Flamiel! [normal voice] Where're you kids going?
Yakko: Gen Murray's house?
Mr. Director: You kids are gonna be in my movie.
The Warners: [to audience] Movie?
Mr. Director: Who are you talking to?
Wakko: The people watching on TV.
Mr. Director: Peoples? What peoples? [crazy voice] Hello, nice people in the TV! [normal voice] Hey! I don't see any...where'd they go? Ah, there you are! [crazy voice] Nice kids, we're with the movie gonna do a thing!
[The Warners scream and try to run out the door]
Ralph: Duh! Where are they?
Yakko: [shuts the door] Okay, Mr. Penzoil Head, you talked us into it. We'll do your movie.
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh. You'll do! The mov...! You'll do the! Happy! I am! So much! Oil!
The Warners: [to audience] Be afraid. Be very afraid.

La La Law/Cat on a Hot Steel Beam [1.14]

edit
[The cartoon begins]
Dot: [voiceover] Previously on warner law,
[Dr. Scratchansniff comes out of the store, carrying the therapy couch on his back. He walks up to his car, but notices the parking ticket on his window wiper]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shocked] Oh, no. [snatches the ticket] A parking ticket?! But vhy?! I put money in ze meter!
[Cut to Yakko, reading the ticket]
Yakko: If you're innocent, then you've got to fight this ticket!
Wakko: We'll even help ya!
Dot: We'll be your lawyers!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ha ha! You? My lawyers? Oh, no no no no no. You kids is crazy. I'm going to pay ze ticket, [grabs the ticket from Yakko] boom, and zat is zat. [walks to the door] Und don't come anywhere near me! [slams door]
[Yakko looks at his silblings with a smirk on his face, and they spin around to wear lawyer suits]
Yakko: Come, siblings. We have a trial to prepare!
Judge: Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, you're charged with a parking violation. You can pay the ticket or try to prove your innocence.
Dr. Scratchansniff Vell, I brought my checkbook, so I'll just-
Yakko: [offscreen] Fight!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [freaking out] Oh, no, not zem!
Judge: Who said that?!
Yakko: [pops his head out of the water pitcher; kisses judge] I did, your judgity.
Judge: [pushes Yakko] What is the meaning of this?!
Yakko: [grabs the judge's hand] That's a finger. You have five of them on each hand. Unless you're in the circus, then it's negotiable. [climbs out of the water pitcher and brings out the suitcase] Allow me to introduce my associates. [both Wakko and Dot pop out of the suitcase, and kiss the judge] We're from the law firm of Warner,
Dot: Warner,
Wakko: Warner,
Yakko: [brings out the mime] And mime. He's our silent partner.
[The mime does trick, but gets squashed flat by an anvil. Wakko sweeps up the mime as Yakko shrugs at the camera]
Dot: We're dr. Scratchansniff's lawyers.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [to the Warners] Please go away.
Yakko: [pushes him in the chair] Now, you just sit right down here and leave everything to us.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Help.
Yakko: Ahem. Mr. Judge person, we'll prove that dr. Scratchansniff is innocent beyond a shadow of a dot.
[The shadow appears behind Dot:
Judge: [to the camera] I hate puns.
Yakko: We will also prove justice is not blind, [takes off the blindfold] she's cross-eyed. [eyes widen, and puts on sunglasses for her]
Statue of Justice: [relieved] Thanks!
Judge: [looks at the camera again] Now, see here! I've had just about enough of this falderal!
The Warners: [singing]
Falderal
Falderee
Falderah
Falderah ee oo ee ah hee hee!
Judge: [spoken] Can we just get on with the trial?! Now, have you subpeneed a witness?!
[The Warners are surprised]
Yakko: Have we what?
Judge: Subpenee! Subpenee! Have you subpeneed a witness?!
Yakko: I certainly hope not. You should be ashamed for even thinking it.
Judge: [annoyed] Then call your first witness!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh, can I say something, please?
The Warners: No. [push him back in the chair]
Yakko: [as Wakko bites out of the chair] Your immensity, we call to the stand the person that gave Dr. Scratchansniff the ticket - Burbank meter maid miss Gerty Bilchmoytner!
[Gerty drives in with her meter vehicle. She gets out, jumps over the gates, and walks over to the stand]
Wakko: [holds out the bible] Do you swear?
Gerty: Yes.
Wakko: Well, you shouldn't. It's not nice. [walks back to the table]
Judge: You may be seated, miss Bilchmoytner.
[Gerty does so as they look into each other's eyes]
Dot: [walks up to her; sweetly] Miss Bilchmoytner, [then suspiciously] or is it Nana Puntridge of Palo alto, California?!
Gerty: [offended] No!
Dot: [realizes this; looks at the notes] Oh. [walks back to the table] I'm done.
Yakko: [to Wakko who kept eating the chair] Go for it.
[Wakko walks up to Gerty, and is about to say something, but stops, thinks and then points, repeats this, but no words come out]
Judge: [fed up] WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT?!?!?!
Wakko: [dazed, shakes his head] Miss bilchmoytner, do you - like candy?
Gerty: Yes.
Wakko: [hopefully] Do you have any?
Gerty: No.
Wakko: [dejected] I'm through. [walks back to the table] Your turn.
Yakko: Oh, thank you, I have so much to go on. [walks up to Gerty] Miss bilchmoytner, why did you give Dr. Scratchansniff a ticket?
Gerty: His parking meter had expired. That's a violation of the Burbank penal code.
Yakko: [shocked] The what?
Gerty: The penal code, The penal code!
Yakko: [looks at both the judge and Gerty] You know, the two of you ought to get together. [to Gerty] Miss bilchmoytner, you're a meter maid, is that correct?
Gerty: Yes.
Yakko: Do you do windows?
Gerty: No, of course not!
Yakko: What kind of maid are you?
Judge: Stop badgering the witness!
Yakko: [holds badger by neck, throws it away] Sorry. [brings out the goat]
Judge: [annoyed] What are you doing now?
Yakko: Goating the witness.
Judge: [fed up] One more pun like that, and I'll find you in contempt!
Yakko: Oh, I've never been to contempt. Isn't that in New Mexico?
Dot: [excitedly] Can we all go?!
Wakko: Do they have bats there?! Do they suck blood?!
Judge: You kids are driving me crazy!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [to himself] I wonder what prison is like.
Yakko: Now, miss Bilchmoytner, is it not possible that because you are such a terrible maid, the meter might have been, dirty and malfunctioning?!
Gerty: Well, I-I suppose anything is possible, but I'm not sure that-
Yakko: And, isn't that what happened? You gave him a ticket he did not deserve!
Judge: Stop leading the witness!
Yakko: All right, then, you lead. [dances with Gerty as the tango music plays] Everybody! [Dot dances with the judge, and Wakko dances with Dr. Scratchansniff] Switch!
[Yakko dances with Wakko, Dot dances with Dr. Scrathchansniff, and the judge dances with Gerty while heading for the doors]
Judge: I love to tango.
Gerty: Oh ho ho ho, judge. But what about the trial?
Judge: Forget the trial. Let's talk about us. [they reached the doors as the Warners throw rice in the air] Case dismissed!
[They danced their way out before Wakko shuts the doors]
Dot: Looks like the trial's over, Scratchy.
Wakko: We won!
Yakko: I guess justice isn't cross-eyed after all. It's in love!
[Wakko dances with Dot, Yakko dances with Dr. Scratchansniff. Yakko winks at the audience as the cartoon ends]

Space Probed/Battle for the Planet [1.15]

edit
[First lines]
Wakko: Look at all those stars.
Dot: They make me want to write poetry, or bake a ham; I forget which.
Yakko: [yawns] Well, sibs. I'd say we turn in.
Wakko: What do you want to turn into? I know, How about a bat? [turns into a bat and flies up on the roof] Or an elephant? [turns into an elephant and trumpets] Or a monkey? [turns into a monkey and makes monkey noises as he goes crazy]
Yakko: [to Dot] Don't look at me. He's your brother.

Chalkboard Bungle/Hurray for Slappy/The Great Wakkorotti: The Master & His Music [1.16]

edit
Miss Flamiel: We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?
Dot: They're all dead.
Miss Flamiel: No, no, no!
Dot: Alright, they're all living.
Miss Flamiel: No, no, no!
Yakko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy.
Miss Flamiel: We’re not getting into phi- [stops herself] We'll move on to grammar. Wakko, what is the meaning of the word "procrastination"?
Wakko: I'll tell ya tomorrow.
Miss Flamiel: You children are making this very difficult!
Yakko: Well, learning isn.t easy.
Ms. Flamiel: Stop that! STOP THAT! SIT AT YOUR DESKS THIS INSTANT!
[The Warners jump into their seats and sit quietly. Ms. Flamiel pulls a red marker pen out of her cleavage]
Yakko: Ooh, what else ya got in there?
Ms. Flamiel: Why, you little...! F! [writes an F on Yakko's forehead]
Dot: Hey, you can't do that to him!
Ms. Flamiel: F! [writes an F on Dot's forehead, causing her to cry; Wakko buries his head in his arms, laughing; she glares at him, then writes an F on his hat with a black marker] F!
[Wakko stops laughing then stares at the F, he then gets very livid and starts to shake his head]
Yakko: Uh, oh. Now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
Dot: I'd apologize if I were you.
Ms. Flamiel: I will NOT! You're horrid, naughty children!
[Growling, Wakko grabs his desk and shakes, steam shooting out of his nose. Ms. Flamiel starts to look worried. Finally, the top of Wakko's hat blows up like a volcano. Ms. Flamiel covers her eyes as Wakko's head explodes offscreen]

Roll Over, Beethoven/The Cat and the Fiddle [1.17]

edit
Beethoven: I am Ludwig Van Beethoven, world famous composer and pianist.
Yakko: You're a what?
Beethoven: A pianist.
Yakko: Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!
Beethoven: That's what I am! A pianist!
Yakko: I think we've heard enough of you.
[The Warners clean his mouth with soap and the mop]
Wakko: [after trying to play Beethoven's hearing aide as if it were a brass instrument] Where's the mouth piece to this thing?
Beethoven: It's in my ear.
Wakko: [spits out in disgust] THAT'S REVOLTING! [throws the hearing aid onto Beethoven]
Yakko: [speaking through the hearing aid] You really shouldn't put stuff in people's ears. You'll go deaf.
Beethoven: [his mouth pops out of his hearing aid] I "AM" DEAF!
Warners: [shrug] Too late.

Pavlov's Mice/Chicken Boo-Ryshnikov/Nothing But the Tooth [1.18]

edit
Narrator: In 1916, the Russian Empire was ruled by Czar Nicholas II, the last in line of the great leaders and not so great leaders. But behind the scenes, the evil monk Rasputin was controlling the Czar with hypnotism. Rasputin forced the Czar to do whatever he wanted, even the most vile of acts.
Czar Nicholas II: [singing] I really like Rasputin, 'Cause I don't realize, I only like Rasputin 'Cause I am hypnotized. Hey! [Rasputin laughs evilly. He claps his hands, freeing Czar Nicholas II from the trance] Why, Rasputin. What are you doing here?
Rasputin: We were discussing my raise, your highness.
Czar Nicholas II: We were? But I just gave you a raise yesterday.
Rasputin: [hypnotically] You want to give me another raise, and, uh, a puppy.
Czar Nicholas II: [hypnotized] Yes. Yes! Why, Rasputin, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Rasputin: Oh?
Czar Nicholas II: I want to give you another raise and a puppy.
Rasputin: If you insist, kind Czar.
Narrator: By controlling the Czar, Rasputin had absolute authority over all decisions affecting the Russian government.
Rasputin: I appoint you secretary of cheese, you, keeper of the lint, and as for you, kiss my puppy.
Politician 3: [looks at the puppy, then the camera. He does so, but then gets bitten] Aah!
Rasputin: He likes you. Now, take him potty. Bye-bye. [singing, skipping down the hall] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
Politician 2: Why, he's insane.
Politician 3: [to Czar Nicholas II] Czar, Rasputin is mad. He's ruining the country. You must fire him!
Czar Nicholas II: [to Politician 3] I like him. You have a puppy on your nose. [walks away in a hypnotic trance]
Rasputin: Ohhh! Please! The pain! You must help me.
Yakko: Now, you just relax. Don't worry about a thing. Wakko, prep the patient.
[Wakko dresses Rasputin in a preppy outfit. Rasputin gasps]
Dot: Now, that's preppy.
Rasputin: Maybe I'll get another dentist.
Dot: Don't be nervous, kid.
Wakko: Dr. Yakko's the most gentle dentist in the whole wide world.
Yakko: It's just the drill that hurts. [holds a giant drill]
Rasputin: Oh! Are you sure you're real dentists?
Yakko: To be honest with ya, dentistry's just a hobby. We're actually professional shriners.
[The Warner Siblings race around Rasputin in tiny cars]
Rasputin: Ohhhh! Slow down!
Yakko: Why? Everyone else is Russian around here. [Wakko does a rim shot] Ey, I don't write 'em. I just say 'em. [grabs Rasputin and puts him in the same tiny car with him, and The Warner Siblings take him for a wild ride out of the room and down the hall] Shriners, halt!
Rasputin: [getting flown off into the dentists chair] Whoa!
Dot: [putting a lobster bib around Rasputin's neck] There. We're ready, Dr. Yakko.
Yakko: [wearing a miner's helmet] Open. [Rasputin opens his mouth] Oh, my.
Dot: Oh, my, my.
Wakko: Eww!
[Camera shows the inside of Rasputin's mouth from the inside]
Warner Siblings: Oh, the humanity!
Rasputin: [jumping out of the dentists chair in alarm] GO AWAY!!! [hides in his bed]
Dot: [in a sing-song voice, removing the covers] Rasputin.
Rasputin: [trying to lie] I changed my mind. I'm fine. See? It doesn't hurt at all.
Dot: I'm sorry, pumpkin, but that tooth has to come out.
Yakko and Wakko: [offscreen] We're ready.
[Rasputin does a wild take as Yakko and Wakko hold a giant pair of pliers]
Dot: Come on, Mr. Scaredy Monk. [takes him back to the dentists chair]
Rasputin: No, no, really. I feel good, honest. The toothache's all gone. [Yakko pokes the tooth] Ow!
Yakko: We're gonna have to deaden the pain with a little Anastasia.
[Anastasia hits Rasputin with a mallet]
Dot: Obscure joke. Talk to your parents.
Yakko: Wakko, my dental instrument, please. [blows on the horn] Hmm, flat. Ahh, here we go. [puts pliers in Rasputin's mouth] I require the aid of my assistants.
[The Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out]
Dot: That tooth is really in there.
Wakko: Let's try the string.
Yakko: Old-fashioned, but it just might work. [ties one end of the string to the tooth] On the count of 3, pull. [the Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out] Uhh...I'd better get the dynamite.
Rasputin: [alarmed our of his wits] Dynamite? [jumping out of the dentists chair, fleeing The Warner Siblings] AAAHHH!!!!
Yakko: [to the camera] Was it something I said?
Rasputin: [runs and looks back] AAAHHH!!!!
[The Warners are driving in their same tiny cars]
Dot: Wait up, Mr. Monk man!
Wakko: We just want to help you!
[The Warner Siblings chase Rasputin down the hallway. Czar Nicholas II comes in from the other end of the hallway]
Rasputin: I'll have the Czar arrest those dentists and get me another raise. Czar!
Wakko: There's the string!
Yakko: Hold on. I'm going in. [grabs the string] I got it! Shriners, halt! [the Warner Siblings halt, jerking the teeth out of Rasputin's mouth. The Chihuahua puts on Rasputin's teeth] It's a few more than I wanted, but I'm pleased.
Czar Nicholas II: [no longer hypnotized] What happened? Rasputin, what are you doing here? The last thing I remember was you asking for a raise. I'm sorry, Rasputin, no raise. That's final.
Rasputin: [hypnotically, mumbling] Look into my eyes. [covers his mouth, realizing he is toothless]
Czar Nicholas II: What?
Rasputin: [hypnotically, mumbling] I said, "Look into my eyes".
Czar Nicholas II: I don't understand you.
Rasputin: [angrily jumping up and down] I SAID, "LOOK INTO MY EYES"!!!
Czar Nicholas II: [sternly] Don't take that tone with me.
Rasputin: LISTEN TO ME, YOU STUPID CZAR!!!
Czar Nicholas II: [insulted] How dare you! You're fired! I'll never understand why I kept you around so long. Get out! [kicks Rasputin out]
[Rasputin angrily shakes his fist at Czar Nicholas II, gets up, dusts himself, and walks off in a huff]
Narrator: No longer capable of hypnotizing the Czar, Rasputin was banished forever, and the Czar was free to rule Russia as he darn well pleased.
Czar Nicholas II: I can't thank you enough. All of Russia owes you a great debt. Goodbye.
Dot: Bye-bye, Czar.
Wakko: What a nice man.
Yakko: I see nothing but good things in his future. Of course, I could be wrong.
[Inside the palace, Czar Nicholas II is giving the Chihuahua bones on a pillow]
Czar Nicholas II: [hypnotized] I will give you bones. Bones, bones.
Chihuahua: [last lines] I may be ugly, but I'm smart.

Meatballs or Consequences/A Moving Experience [1.19]

edit
Yakko: All is strange and vague.
Dot: Are we dead?
Yakko: Or is this Ohio?
Yakko: [holding onto Death] That means we'll all be like a family!
Wakko: Can we call you "Dadoo"?
Dot: Hey, Pop, can we stay up past ten?
Yakko: Can we watch the adult channel?
Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooo, Nurse!

Hearts of Twilight/The Boids [1.20]

edit
Yakko: [serious voice over] We were each chosen for our unique abilities. That's Dot. Her specialty: Cuteness. [Dot blows kisses] That's Wakko. His specialty: The mallet. [whacks some nuts with the mallet, and eats them all] That's me. My specialty: Two paddle-balls at once!
Thaddius Plotz: [referring to a map] Now you have to get from this office here to soundstage 64 here, and stop that director. Any questions?
Warners: [raising their hands] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Dot: Would I look cute as a blonde?
Wakko: Why do cats purr?
Yakko: Who's chubbier, Perry Mason or Scotty on "Star Trek"?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Okay! I'm ready for my ending!
Dot: You want it?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh, yeah!
Yakko: Are you sure?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Yeah! Give! Give! Froinlaven!
Yakko: [through the megaphone] And...action!
Mr. Director: [gets hit in the head by a huge mallet, Crazy voice] That's an ending?
Cameraman: [whispering to Yakko] Microphone was in the shot.
Yakko: [through the megaphone] Okay, everybody! Let's do it again!
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh no! I don't want that!
Yakko: [through the megaphone] And...action!
Mr. Director: [gets hit with the large mallet again, is as flat as a pancake, crazy voice] The hurting...the hurting...cut, print, that's a wrap.
Yakko: [to his siblings] Let's go home.

The Flame/Wakko's America/Davy Omelette/Four Score and Seven Migraines Ago [1.21]

edit
Wakko: [singing] Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio, there's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana, then there's Denver, Colorado under Boise, Idaho. Texas has Austin, then we go north, to Massachusetts' Boston and Albany, New York. Tallahassee, Florida, and Washington, D.C., Santa Fe, New Mexico and Nashville, Tennessee. Elvis used to hang out there a lot, you know. Trenton's in New Jersey, north of Jefferson, Missouri, you've got Richmond in Virginia, South Dakota has Pierre, Harrisburg's in Pennsylvania, and Augusta's up in Maine, and here is Providence, Rhode Island next to Dover, Delaware. Concord, New Hampshire, just a quick jaunt. To Montpelier, which is up in Vermont. Hartford's in Connecticut, so pretty in the fall. And Kansas has Topeka, Minnesota has St. Paul. Juneau's in Alaska, and there's Lincoln in Nebraska, and it's Raleigh out in North Carolina, and then there's Madison, Wisconsin and Olympia in Washington, Phoenix, Arizona and Lansing, Michigan. Here's Honolulu, Hawaii's a joy, Jackson, Mississippi and Springfield, Illinois, South Carolina with Columbia down the way. And Annapolis in Maryland on Chesapeake Bay. They have wonderful clam chowder. Cheyenne is in Wyoming, and perhaps you'd make your home in, Salt Lake City out in Utah, where the buffalo roam. Atlanta's down in Georgia, and there's Bismarck, North Dakota, And you can live in Frankfort in your old Kentucky home. Salem in Oregon, from there we join. Little Rock in Arkansas, Iowa's got Des Moines, Sacramento, California, Oklahoma and its city, Charleston, West Virginia and Nevada, Carson City! That's all the capitals, they are! [the song ends, the "incorrect" buzzer is heard] Huh?
Miss Flamiel: Oh, I'm so sorry. You failed to put your response to the form of the question.
[Wakko whacks the violin on top of his head and falls unconsciously as Yakko shrugs this shoulders in remorse and Dot spreads her arms wide with pleasure]

Guardin' the Garden/Plane Pals [1.22]

edit
Slappy: [to the serpent] You remind me of a very young Scrappy-Doo.
Slappy: The back door. Gee. I wonder who that might be.
Serpent: [dazed by a cannonball] Colonel Mustard did it in the kitchen. [Slappy opens the door and behind it was a cannon which exploded in the Serpent's face] ...Or was it Miss Scarlett?
Ivan Bloski: This is absurd! You little goons have been bothering me ever since I sat down! Do you know who I am?
Yakko: No. Do you know who "I" am?
Ivan Bloski: No!
Yakko: Then we're even.
Yakko: [as Ivan Bloski jumps into the ocean and swims away furiously] Friends don't let friends disappear over the horizon alone. [the Warners all jump into a rowboat] Wait!
Dot: Stick around!
Wakko: We're gonna make sloppy joes and rent Don Knotts videos!

Be Careful What You Eat/Up the Crazy River/Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump Dump Dump [1.23]

edit
Wakko: Hey! Let's get some ice cream!
Dot: How 'bout this one? "Pistachio Almond Fruit Fudge Butterscotch Delight".
Yakko: Ingredients: Zinc trisodium, aspartate, sorbitol and bisulfate, oxide beta carotene, lactic acid, carob bean. [singing] Grade-A milk emulsified, malto-dextrine alkalide, silicon deoxylite, lots of sugar.
Wakko and Dot: Hey, alright!
Yakko: Calcified synthetic salt, artificial barley malt, glycerine and aspartate, folic acid.
Wakko: That tastes great!
The Warners: Monosodium glutamate, dehydrated calceinate, soybean oil, butter fat, caramel center.
Wakko: I'll eat that!
Yakko and Dot: Hooray for sugar, 'cause we love it! Chocolate chips, we want more of it! Cakes and ice cream! Want to shove it down our throats real fast!
Yakko: Here's a candy bar, you tried it?
Wakko: Hey, let's all see what's inside it!
Yakko: Gelatinized triglycerin, phosphate, soybean, lecithin, deoxylite tri-silicon, dipped in chocolate.
Wakko and Dot: Bring it on!
Yakko: Citrus enzymes, BHT, powdered milk.
Dot: Sounds good to me!
Yakko: Baking soda, carob gum, carbohydrates.
Wakko and Dot: Yummy-yum!
The Warners: Monosodium glutamate, zinc disodium algenate, whole grain flour, yeast and fat.
Wakko: Time to eat it! I'll do that!
The Warners: We like sweets a lot, so give us all you've got and we'll stuff 'em in our bodies 'til they make our insides rot!
Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you drawing?
Wakko: It's a cow eating grass. [holds up a blank paper]
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where's the grass?
Wakko: The cow ate it.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where is the cow?
Wakko: Well, he's not going to stick around if there isn't any more grass to eat.

Opportunity Knox/Wings Take Heart [1.24]

edit
Brain: Do you realize what we will do with this pollen, Pinky?
Pinky: Um, open a boutique?
Brain: [sarcastically] Yes, that's it, we'll open a boutique and sell ladies clothing and pollen.
Pinky: Egad, Brain, what fun! I like this idea, I do!
Brain: [staring at the golden bricks in delight] Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Oh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career? Oh, it's all too much for me.

Hercule Yakko/Home on De-Nile/A Midsummer Night's Dream [1.25]

edit
Yakko: Number one sister! Dust for prints! [Dot pulls out a feather duster] Doctor Wakko, it could be a long night. Better order some pizzas.
Wakko: [picks up a telephone next to the chair] I'd like 42 pizzas, 6 with no crusts. [smiles at camera]
Yakko: [goes over to Flavio and Marita] Now - Do you have any enemies?
Flavio and Marita: No.
Yakko: Do you have any creditors?
Flavio and Marita: No.
Yakko: Well then... [runs over to a piano and begins playing it] Do you have any requests? Thank you so much! [picks up a mic and begins singing] Way down, Jack / Upon the Nile River, Jack...
Dot: I found Prince! [holding the musical artist Prince in her arms]
Yakko: No no no, fingerprints! [wiggles his fingers]
Dot: [looks at Prince, he smiles at her, then puts his head back in a "facepalm"; shakes her head to the camera] I don't think so. [tosses him out a window]
[Yakko is reciting Puck's final monologue from A Midsummer Night's Dream while Dot translates]
Narrator: And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from William Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", translated for those viewers who, likeYakko, have no idea what he's saying.
Yakko: [annoyed] Hmph! [Dot giggles] If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.
Dot: If the actors in our show made you mad, it will be okay if you look at it this way!
Yakko: That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.
Dot: You fell asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing.
Yakko: And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.
Dot: There was a hole in the plot you can drive a truck through.
[Behind the action, Wakko is picking flowers and is swatted by a group a fairies. He sprays them away with a fire hose]
Yakko: Gentles, do not reprehend...
Dot: Honeys, don't blame us. You could be watching Oprah.
Yakko: If you pardon, we will mend.
Dot: But we're sorry and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits.
[Wakko continues to pick flowers when a very sexy fairy emerges]
Wakko: [enamored] Hello pixie! [chases after her]
Yakko: And, as I am an honest Puck...
Dot: I'm not touching that one.
Yakko: If we have unearned luck now to 'scape the serpent's tongue.
Dot: What he said.
Yakko: We will make amends ere long!
Dot: We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!
Yakko: Else the Puck a liar call: So, good night unto you all. [he blows a kiss]
Dot: Goodnight everybody!
Yakko: Give me your hands, if we be friends.
Dot: Applaud if you like us!
[The pixie Wakko has been chasing after comes up behind him enraged. He tries to give her flowers while she tries to swat him with a huge fly swatter]
Wakko: And Robin shall restore amends.
Dot: And the Boy Wonder will save us.
[The Batmobile drives up and the Warners all jump in it, and it drives away, causing the pixie to spin around]
Pixie: [dazed] Oh, what fools these Warners be!

Testimonials/Babblin' Bijou/Potty Emergency/Sir Yaksalot [1.26]

edit
Yakko: Did you call for the bravest, most daring knight in all the land?
King Arthur: Oh, yes.
Yakko: Well, too bad. You got us.
Dot: What a silly mix-up!
Pinky: [laughing]: Naughty Frog. Narf! [laughs]
Brain: Hysterical, Pinky! [throws gear at Pinky]
Pinky: Zort!
King Arthur: Mice?! But, why?
Brain: We were trying to destroy Camelot in yet another attempt to take over the world. Come, Pinky! Back to the drawing board!
Pinky: Stands in the corner. Naughty frog. [laughs, Brain slaps him]

You Risk Your Life/I Got Yer Can/Jockey for Position [1.27]

edit
Dr. Scratchansniff: It's time to play...
Audience: [offscreen, as the words "You Risk Your Life" appear on the screen] You Risk Your Life!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
[Yakko cuts through the curtain with scissors, then slams his head on the stage a couple of times. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: Thank you. Oh, Scratchansniff. Why don't we bring out our first two contestants?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Okay. She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin. He is the world's greatest philosopher. Please, welcome Mrs. Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.
[The curtain reveals Mrs. Myra Puntridge (actually Elmra Duff from Tiny Toons Adventures), and Aristotle. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: Welcome to You Risk Your Life. Say the secret word, and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [offscreen, whispering] Today's secret word is "Yes."
Yakko: Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right?
Mrs. Myra Puntridge: Oh, correct.
Yakko: What kind of homes do you make?
[stock footage of a live-action audience laughing plays]
Yakko: And, Aristotle, let's see here. It says you are a philosopher, is that correct?
Aristotle: Yes.
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head]
Yakko: Congratulations. You said the secret word. Well, are you both ready to play you risk your life?
Aristotle: Yes.
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
Yakko: You said the secret word again. Congratulations. All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary." Here's your question. "What word is the opposite of 'No'?"
[Mrs. Myra Puntridge and Aristotle whisper]
Aristotle: Yes.
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: That's correct!
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
Yakko: Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills. Good night.
Slappy: [comes out of her tree, drinking a can of diet walnut soda] Aah, diet soda. Heh. Gotta watch my figure. [showing her legs] Hey, somebody's gotta watch it. [chuckles, and walks away from her tree]
Skippy: [from the window] Where're you going, Aunt Slappy?!
Slappy: To the store for some buttermilk.
Skippy: Speeewww!
Slappy: Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.
[Slappy is walking by a white picket fence, drinking her diet walnut soda. She opens a trashcan, but notices Candie Chipmunk's tree. She winces. She throws the can away into Candie's trash can, and starts to walk off]
Candie: [comes out] Excuse me!
Slappy: You're excused.
Candie: Um, would you mind?
Slappy: Probably. Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right?
Candie: Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?
Slappy: Allen Funt is a dead man.
Candie: That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
Slappy: [walks back to the trash can] Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?
Candie: That's right. Do you have a problem with that?
Slappy: No, but now you do. [takes the can out of the trash can]
Candie: [relieved] Thank you so much. Buh-bye.
Slappy: You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. [Candie closes the door; to the viewer] If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. [cackles]
[Skippy, dressed as a Girl Scout, rings the doorbell. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Skippy: Hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help Squirrel Scouts to be more like you.
Candie: Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. [Skippy winks at the viewer. She takes the box and goes inside. Skippy speeds off] I love helping out children less perfect than I. [opens the box, takes out the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She growls]
[Wipe to Slappy's tree where and Skippy laugh. Candie throws the can at the back of Slappy's head offscreen]
Slappy: Oof! [her hat landed on Skippy's head] Let the games begin.
[Slappy, dressed as a lawyer, rings the doorbell offscreen. Candie opens the door]
Slappy: Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card. [shows card] Ipso facto on this date-o, your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
Candie: My, my. Oh, why, thank you. [takes the crate into hertree. She carries it into her living room] I wonder what it could be. [opens the crate with a crowbar. She looks and searches through the packing peanuts] Aha! [finds the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She becomes angry, and her teeth break]
[Wipe back to Slappy's tree where and Skippy are laughing again]
Slappy: [stops laughing] Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. [gets bonked on the head with her can. Her hat lands on Skippy's head again] In other cases, it's the only thing.
[Candie skips out of her tree to her mailbox. She opens the mailbox. She opens an envelope]
Candie: [reading letter] "Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations. You have been chosen to appear on the new game show entitled 'The New Game Show'. Come to the studio right away." Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?
[Wipe to The New Game Show. Candie wears corn around her head]
Host: All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, The Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
Audience: Ooh. Aah.
Host: Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?
[Show girl shows the curtain]
Yakko:[in unison with Wakko] Hello, nurse!
Dot: Boys, go fig.
Candie: I'll take...the curtain!
[The curtain reveals both Slappy and the can. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. Candie shakes with insanity. Cut to Slappy's tree where she and Skippy watches TV as Candie explodes offscreen]
Skippy: She exploded!
Slappy: It's a toon thing. [a knocks on door] Shoot me [she opens the door, and Candie throws the can at her head from outside the tree offscreen] Look at that, she ain't recycling.
[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]
Candie: [offscreen] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [cut to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as Rambo, in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [the doorbell rings; she opens the door]
Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
Candie: [growls] Prepare to eat it, slappy!
Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun] Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Candie: Ha! Gotcha! [the grenade explodes. All that is left of her is her teeth]
Slappy: [to the audience] She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[Scene changes from Autumn to Winter. At Christmas time, Candie is at her typewriter, repeatedly typing "All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk". Santa Claus comes down the chimney. A surreal suspiciously irritated Candie's eyes roll behind her]
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho, have I got something for you.
"Candie': [gets out of the chair; sarcastic] Mmm, a present, from Santa Slappy? Let me guess, could it be...A CAN?!?!
Santa Claus: [to the audience] Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it use to be. [scurries back up the chimney]
[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy opens the door]
Candie Chipmunk: [tired with insanity] I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!
[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie offscreen]
Slappy: What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Skippy: Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Slappy: Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. [presents the can wrapped up like a baby as Candie comes out after being squashed] Congratulations, you're a mother.
Candie: [stunned from the anvil] Who knew? [folds back blanket and sees the can, "You're a Horse's Ass" plays once last time in the background; then grins goofily] Oh. He looks just like his father.
Slappy: Now, you and Mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.
Candie: [walks off in a daze] Burp for mommy.
Slappy: Now, for that buttermilk.
Skippy: Speeww!
Slappy: It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]
Pinky: [after falling off the horse and onto the racetrack] There's baloney in our slacks...
[Last lines]
Brain: Would you stop please? I'm trying to concentrate on the next plan for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
Brain: Guess.
Pinky: [remembers] Oh, yeah. Try to take over the world. Right.
Singers: They're dinky. They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

Moby or Not Moby/Mesozoic Mindy/The Good, the Boo and the Ugly [1.28]

edit
[Cartoon opens up with a high-angle shot of the clouds, which move to reveal The Pequod as "Blow the Man Down" plays in the background. Cut to a shot of The Pequod. Cut to the deck. Ishmael is wiping the deck]
Yakko: [popping out of a barrel] So this is The Love Boat. [he and his siblings pull out lounge chairs and sunbathe; to Ishmael] You must be Doc.
Ishmael: Call me Ishmael.
Yakko: Call me Ishtar.
Wakko: Call me irresponsible.
Dot: Call me any time, but not collect, okay, big fella?
[The Warners walk off as Ishmael shrugs to the camera]
Yakko: [to Queequeg] Hi, we're stowaways. Are you gopher?
Queequeg: No, I Queequeg.
[The Warner Siblings sniff him]
Yakko: Sorry to hear that. Next time, don't eat so many prunes.
Wakko: [pointing to a flag with a prohibition symbol over Moby Dick] Hey, look! They've got miniature golf onboard!
[The Warner Siblings hit the golf balls]
Warner Siblings: Fore!
[The golf balls bounce all over The Pequod until they hit Captain Ahab's door]
Captain Ahab: [emerges] Who dares disturb my brooding? [grabs Starbuck by his collar] Starbuck, have you sighted Moby Dick?
Starbuck: Ach! Negative, Captain. We must quit this mad quest.
Captain Ahab: Ye craven bilge rat. We'll search for Moby Dick until- what?
Yakko: Captain Stubing, you mind if I steered the boat so we can go water-skiing?
Captain Ahab: What? Yes. Go away. [as the Warners run up to the helm] We'll search for Moby Dick until the seas dry up and the fish flop around in their underwear because all the water's gone. We'll search until - huh? [the Pequod tilts] What in the name of Neptune's pantry?! [sees Yakko steering the wheel at the helm, and runs up to him] Give me that wheel at once!
Yakko: You're the captain. [spins the wheel and gives it to Captain Ahab, who spins around]
Captain Ahab: Whoa! [then spins towards the barrels knocking them down like bowling pins at a bowling alley. The Warner Siblings help him up] Who are ye?!
Yakko: We're The Warner Brothers, Captain Stubing.
Dot: And The Warner Sister. Say, would you see if there's anything stuck in my teeth?
Wakko: You know, if you shaved your beard, you'd look just like Ernest Borgnine.
Captain Ahab: Mark ye well that I am Captain Ahab. Cursed by vengeance to roam the seas until I find Moby Dick. You stowaways earn your keep aboard The Pequod. Now find me a white whale!
Dot: Okay.
Yakko: Look! A white whale!
Captain Ahab: Where?! Where?!
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Monkeys always look! Monkeys always look!
Captain Ahab: Stop your tomfoolery! Find me that whale!
Yakko: Thar she blows!
Captain Ahab: Where?! Where?!
Dot: [plays the trumpet; as Louis Armstrong ] That's high C on the high seas. Yeah.
Yakko: So, what do you say, Cap? Let's look for something else now.
Dot: [in normal voice] Yeah. Who cares about a white whale? Let's dress up like ghosts and scare the crew.
Captain Ahab: Don't ye understand? All I live for is to catch Moby, and destroy him for his oil, conquer him for his blubber, stomp on his big whale head and make perfume from his brain.
Yakko: Captain, you've gotta go on shore leave more often.
[After the "Captain, You're a Dummy" Song]
[Moby Dick swims toward The Pequod, leaping over it]
Captain Ahab: Get Moby Dick. All hands stand to. Man the longboat!
Yakko: Or woman the short boat. That way, everybody's covered.
[Captain Ahab and The Warner Siblings jump into a row boat]
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: You have a cute beard.
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: you have a wonderful voice.
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: Have you ever considered a career in radio? [they row]
Yakko: Wait! Please!
Captain Ahab: Vengeance is mine at last. [splits the row boat in half, using the spear] Begone!
The Warner Siblings: [sing-song voices] Oh, Captain Ahab, don't look behind you.
Captain Ahab: [turns to see Moby Dick behind him; nearly losing his balance on the front end of the row boat] Whoa - w-w-whoa. So long, Moby Dick! [throws the spear at Moby Dick]
[Moby dick catches it, uses it as a toothpick, then kicks the spear away, using his tail. Captain Ahab is now nervous]
Yakko: Hey, Captain Ahab! Tell Moby all about stomping on him, and making blubber cakes and stuff out of his oil!
[Moby Dick glares angrily at Captain Ahab]
Captain Ahab: [chuckling nervously] Oh, I was just funning the youngsters about all that. I certainly wasn't serious- [swimming away for his life, scared out of his wits] Aah!
[Moby Dick chases after Captain Ahab, then eats him. Captain Ahab screams. Inside Moby Dick's mouth, Captain Ahab lights a match, then a lantern, and sits down on a broken mast]
Pinocchio: Say, nice leg.
[Captain Ahab is puzzled
Captain Ahab: [offscreen] Get me out of here!
[Moby Dick is swimming away]
Wakko: So long, Captain Ahab!
Dot: Enjoy your new home!
Yakko: Don't play around Moby's blowhole! [to his siblings] Alas, we're alone, adrift on the open ocean without food, water, or facial moisturizer.
Wakko: [to the viewers] That's right, kids. Always remember, a moisturized face is a happy face.
Dot: Isn't there a single ship anywhere that will take pity on us?! [sobs] Any ship will do!
[The RMS Titanic, The SS Edmund Fitzgerald, and The S.S. Minnow pull up on all sides]
Skipper: [offscreen] Hey, little buddies.
Yakko: We shoulda been more specific.
[Lee, Eli and the bartender watch Chicken Boo walk in, in his hat and poncho. Only the bartender knows that he's obviously a chicken]
Eli: You know who that is? The Man with No Personality. Some say he robbed a bank and saved a puppy at the same time.
Lee: So is he for the law or agin it?
Eli: Nobody knows. Cause he ain't got no personality!
Woman: Some say that high plains drifter is a giant chicken.
[Startled, Eli spits out a mouthful of spaghetti]

Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled/Moon Over Minerva/Skullhead Boneyhands [1.29]

edit
Satan: Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dot: So that's nothing! I'm: [rasping, sinister voice] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [normal voice] Just a little thing I do.
Satan: You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
Wakko: Hades? [dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts] Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
Satan: SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
Yakko: Another Bob Hope special?
Satan: Worse! Behold; Cerberus, the Hound of Hades! [Cerberus the three-headed dog appears] Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
Yakko: How about if we just wiggle here?
The Warners: Wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle!
Satan: Cease this at once! Cerberus, throw them in!
Dot: Wanna meet my pet? [takes out the tiny white box, opens it, and the monster comes out growling]
[Cerberus yelps in fear and runs off. Satan grabs the Warners by their tails]
Yakko: Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan's better than his?
Satan: SILENCE! I don't want to hear another peep from you!
Warners: Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-!
Satan: STOP PEEPING!
Warners: [pause] Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!
Satan: Ooh! [walks over to the door] Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity, listening to...whiny protest songs from the 60s.
Bob Dylan: Oh, I hate the government, more than you and me, The government stole my goldfish, and unplugged my TV.
[Warner siblings scream]
Satan: Enjoy. [prepares to kick them in, but it cuts to him being kicked in instead for no reason whatsoever]

Draculee, Draculaa/Phranken-Runt [1.30]

edit
[First lines; the Warner Siblings tunnel underground. Yakko pops up like Bugs Bunny. So is Wakko, who spits out dirt]
Yakko: I know we're not rabbits, but it's a Warner tradition.
Dot: [pops out of the dirt] So this is Pennsylvania. [Wakko eats a rock] Disgusting!
Yakko: Not as disgusting as Willard Scott in the leotard. [mistaking Transylvania for Pennsylvania] But according to this map, we made it! Pennsylvania, our homeland! [to Wakko] As cartoon characters, we were drawn. Ergo, Mom and Dad must've be pencils. So let's get that led out and find our family tree.
[A thunderstorm starts. A lightning bolt strikes a tree, burning it to a crisp, now turns into ashes]
Dot: Hope that wasn't it.
[The rain starts pouring. Wakko peppers another rock]
Yakko: On second thought, let's start the search tomorrow. I'm tired.
Wakko: [eats another rock] I'm hungry.
Dot: I'm cute. [the boys glare at her] Hey, I can't help it if I'm cute.
Count Dracula: [to his skeleton valet] Don't wait for me. [walks with cloak wrapped around] Aah. Ignorant little travelers. It's been many years since any have come willingly to me. Who are you?
Yakko and Wakko: We're the Warner Brothers.
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Yakko: [to Count Dracula, as Wakko takes a pocket watch out of Count Dracula's pocket] Does Batman know you're wearing his cape, so badly?
Wakko: I'm Wakko. [kisses Dracula] Did you miss me, huh?
Count Dracula: Please. You're washing off my Old spice.
Dot: I'm Dot, but you may call me princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca, the third. Tee hee. [Count Dracula sees the blood vessels in her neck. Says Type O, unleaded 87 octane with marks. Dracula looks close, each of his hands connected] I get this from guys all the time. [Count Dracula looks closer at her neck, making it stretch] SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
Count Dracula: Ahem. I am Count Dracula.
Yakko: Didn't you used to teach math on Sesame Street?
Count Dracula: Stop your silly chatter and enter! The night is long and I hunger for company. [the Warner Siblings dash off, leaving him on the floor. He growls, and the door slams in his face. Inside the castle, it was creepy; repeatedly bangs on the door outside and offscreen] Let me in, you little weasels!
Wakko: [talking about Dracula] That guy sure dresses funny.
Dot: This is Pennsylvania, Wakko. He's probably Amish.
Yakko: I'll handle him. I saw Witness twice. [He opens the door for Count Dracula. He clears his throat] Greetings, good Amish farmer. How's it going with thee? Is there a place hither where we may sleep yon?
Count Dracula: Impudent child! You can't make a fool out of me!
Yakko: [dresses up Count Dracula in a fool outfit] Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
Count Dracula: [takes off the fool outfit] Puny mortals! Now witness the power of the undead! [turns into a big bat as "Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky plays in the background]
Yakko: Neat trick!
Wakko: [flying like a bat] Hey, look at me! I'm a bat too!
Count Dracula: You are not a bat.
Wakko: Oh, you're right. But this is! [whacks Count Dracula with a baseball bat with a face and wings on it, sending him falling to the floor in a Batman logo-shaped hole. Count Dracula climbs up out of the Batman logo-shaped hole, seeing bats]
Count Dracula: Oh, I'm not well. [falls down from the high ceiling to the floor, creating the Batman logo-shaped hole. Climbs out of the hold in the human form while seeing bats in his dazed head]
Yakko: Good farmer, mayest we see-eth our rooms now?
Count Dracula: [in a dazed voice] Why, certainly. Walketh this way. [walks clumsily. The Warner Siblings imitate him]
Count Dracula: You boys will be sleeping in the, uh, Mary Poppins suite. It's very cozy.
[A monster growls inside]
Yakko: Sounds like Howard Stern.
Count Dracula: [patting Yakko's head] Uh, yes, the plumbing is old. Now, nighty-night. [opens the door and forces Yakko and Wakko in. He comes out, locking the door] Whew. [turns to reveal Yakko and Wakko on velcro on his back]
Yakko: Velcro.
[Count Dracula is about to bite Dot's neck]
Yakko: Hey, whatcha doing, mister? You gonna suck her blood? Empty her tank? Turn her into one of your legion of zombie vampires who only live to do your evil bidding? Or are you gonna make out and play kissy face and hope your dad doesn't butt in and ground you? Huh? How about it, mister? [speeds off]
[Count Dracula tries again, but Dot wakes up and punches him in the jaw, then brushes his teeth. Count Dracula tries again, but Wakko, dressed as a doctor, takes his teeth out]
Dot: [wearing Count Dracula's teeth] Yoo-hoo! What do you think? Do they make me look like Sheena Easton?
Count Dracula: [puts teeth back on] Foolish little whelp!!! NOW YOU WILL LEARN THE MEANING OF ETERNAL SLUMBER!!!
Dot: Slumber?! As in slumber party?! Let's! [the Warner Siblings dress Count Dracula up into pink clothing. He gasps] Know any dreamy guys?
Yakko: Tell us!
Wakko: Oh, please, please!
Dot: Let's play with makeup!
[Wakko dusts Count Dracula's face, Yakko puts on eyelid coloring and eyebrows,and Dot puts on makeup, and a bowtie. Wakko shows Count Dracula a mirror]
Count Dracula: [screams like Homer Simpson] Get away from me, you little monsters!
Dot: Wait! We were just about to order pizza and tell ghost stories!
Count Dracula: [opening his coffin] Peace, at last. [screams]
Yakko: [coughing] Hast thou any coffin drops? [Count Dracula groans, grunts, throws The Warner Siblings away, then goes into his coffin. Yakko tries opening the lid] Hey, he's locked in.
Dot: Oh, no. He'll suffocate!
[Inside his coffin, Count Dracula sighs, until Wakko gets a chainsaw and cuts the coffin in half]
Yakko: Hangeth on, kind farmer! We shall saveth thee!
Wakko: [opens the halves to reveal Count Dracula cut in half] Oops. [giggles, then puts the two halves together again]
Count Dracula: [roars, growling, cornering the Warner Siblings] Your lives here have ended!
Yakko: True, mister Amish man, for we must check out. 'Tis morning! [opens the window to reveal a bright sunshine]
Count Dracula: [whimpers] And me without my sun block! [trips back into his coffin]
[Yakko plays "Reveille" on a trumpet]
Dot: Wakey wakey! Rise and shine! [puts an alarm clock in Count Dracula's head] We'd like waffles and a big cheese wheel for breakfast.
[Wakko crows like a rooster. Count Dracula roars and debris flies. The Warner Siblings flee as the mansion collapses]
Yakko: Boy. Who knew the Amish could have such explosive tempers?
Dot: [finally notices the Transylvania sign] You know, Yakko, maybe this isn't Pencil-vania after all.
[Wakko eats a rock]
Yakko: You're right, Dot. We never should have taken that left turn at Kennebunkport. Come on!
[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground]]
[Last lines; he Warner Siblings tunnel underground. They pop up in Tasmania ]
Yakko: Uhh. Pencil-vania, at last. Homeland of our ancestors.
Taz: [doing his trademark tornado entrance, jabbering, then blows raspberry. He screams, then tornadoes away as the "Taz-mania theme" plays in the background]
Dot: This is Tasmania, not Pennsylvania!
[Wakko eats the map]
Yakko: Let's face it. We need a new map.
Rita: [sees what's happening] What a surprise. Runt in trouble. [popping out of a sheet near Runt] Having fun?
Runt: Oh, hi, Rita! I've been having a nap with a sheet and everything!
Rita: [sarcastically] For fifty dollars and a chance for the Festiva, how many brain cells does a dog have?
Runt: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh. boy. Oh boy. Nine. Definitely nine.

O Silly Mio/Puttin' on the Blitz/The Great Wakkorotti: The Summer Concert [1.31]

edit
Rita: [about Katrina] Poor kid's living in a dream world.
Runt: Yeah, dream world. So sad.
Rita: She really believes her dad's waiting.
Runt: Very sad.
Rita: That human's long gone.
Runt: Sad.

Chairman of the Bored/Planets Song/Astro-Buttons [1.32]

edit
Dot: [after Pip suddenly leaves] It's too quiet!
Wakko: I miss him!
Yakko: Pip! Pip! Wait! [chasing after him] Pip! Come back! Tell us another story!
Dot: Tell us more about bologna!
Wakko: Did you ever meet Don Knotts?!
Yakko: Oh, come on! Please, do!
Yakko: It's time to tour the planets that make up our solar system. C'mon! [singing]
The closest to the sun is the planet Mercury,
Next the shrouded planet Venus Is as cloudy as can be.
The Earth is next; we call it home let's hope it stays that way,
And then there's Mars; it's really red What more can I say?
The gassy planet Jupiter's as big as planets come,
Then there's Saturn with its mighty rings made up of tiny crumbs.
We travel on to Neptune, that's a gassy, freezing ball,
And cold and tiny Pluto is the furthest one of all.
[spoken] Well, there you go. That's our solar system.
Wakko: [appears] You forgot Uranus.
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!

Cartoons in Wakko's Body/Noah's Lark/The Big Kiss/Hiccup [1.33]

edit
Noah: [checking animals on the ark] Bunnies...where are the bunnies?
Buster Bunny and Babs Bunny: Buster and Babs Bunny. No relation.
Noah: I should hope not, this is a children's show. Bunnies: check. Wolverines. [the wolverines attacked him] For heaven's sakes, let's not forget the always cheerful wolverines the Lon Chaney juniors of the animal kingdom. Check. Lab mice.
[Pinky and the Brain appear]
Both: Check!
Pinky: These pantyhose are killing me, Brain. I think I prefer knee-highs. [Brain whacks him]

Clown and Out/Bubba Bo Bob Brain [1.34]

edit
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown is my friend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown vill not bite me und throw me in the basement.
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown is not a big shpider.
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown is not a big spider.
Brain: I have calculated every ingredient necessary to become a country music megastar. Read me the list, Pinky.
Pinky: A cowboy hat.
Brain: Check.
Pinky: A southern dialect.
Brain: Check. "Y'all."
Pinky: Nice, Brain! Working class values.
Brain: I enjoy beef jerky and the comedy stylings of Gallagher. Check.
Pinky: A song.
Brain: Check.
Pinky: A name consisting of not less than three words.
Brain: From now on, I shall be Bubba Bo Bob Brain. Check.
Pinky: And a height of at least six feet.
Brain: A...Drat. There must be some way to increase my height.
Pinky: Hmm. Let me think. [hits his own head]
Brain: Don't hurt yourself, Pinky.

Very Special Opening/In the Garden of Mindy/No Place Like Homeless/Katie Ka-Boo/Baghdad Cafe [1.35]

edit
Yakko and Wakko: Hi. We're the Warner Brothers.
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Yakko: And we'd like to invite you and all the members of your household-
Dot: to gather around the TV set and join us now-
Yakko: for a very special episode of Animaniacs.
Dot: And what's so special about it?
Wakko: I'm not wearing any pants! [covers his other parts of the body with his sweater]
[Outside the Warner Bros. studio, the camera closes in on a building labeled "ANIMANIACS TEST KITCHEN" Explosion goes off inside. We look inside the building and we see the Warner siblings in the kitchen]
Yakko: Welcome to the Animaniacs Test Kitchen. We're cooking up something really different for today's show. All we need are our ingredients. [singing]
A dash of Pinky and the Brain,
A cup of Slappy Squirrel,
A tablespoon of Goodfeathers,
Add Rita, Runt, then swirl.
We add a pinch of Hippoes,
Buttons and Mindy too.
Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel,
What's that make?
Warners: Animaniacs Stew!
Wakko: [spoken] What did we come up with?
Yakko: Just watch.
[The camera zooms into the pot]
Pinky: What do you want to do tonight, Rita?
Rita: I don't know. Eat you for supper? [eats Pinky] So far this is my favorite episode.
Pinky: [in Rita's tummy] Narf! Oh, roomy accommodations, Rita.
Singers: She’s the crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, this short cartoon features Dottie the Squirrel!
Dot: The name's Dot! Call me Dottie and you die!
Singers: That’s Dottie!
Dot: [gets out a bomb] I warned you! [tosses it at the camera and it blows up]

Critical Condition/The Three Muska-Warners [1.36]

edit
[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]
Skippy: Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
Slappy: Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
Skippy: But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
Slappy: Calm down, Skippy.
Skippy: We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! [runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles] Let's go get em!
Slappy: Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
Skippy: [looks sorry] Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... [goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles] We'll need the big bombs!
Slappy: That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!
Skippy: Yay!
Slappy: [to Yakko, Wakko and Dot] You three remind me of a very young Yippee, Yappee and Yahooey. [walks off]
Dot: [to the audience] I have no idea what that meant.

Dough Dough Boys/Boot Camping/General Boo-Regard [1.37]

edit
[First lines; at the Boot Camp]
Sergeant: [chanting] Left, left, left, right, left. Recruits smell and that's no lie. Hate your guts gonna make you cry. Call me smart call me inspired. You're gonna march till I get tired. [spoken]I love my job.
Soldier: [arrives in the car] Hey, sarge. The new recruits are here.
Sergeant: [grins deviously] Fresh meat. [chuckles; climbs aboard the jeeps and drives back to the camp with the soldier]
[The bus arrives, letting new recruits out. The Warner Siblings come out too]
Yakko: Excuse us. pardon us. Coming through. Ah, summer camp at last! Eight weeks of fun, fun, fun!
Dot: [dressed in duck floater] Swimming and canoe racing!
Wakko: Mosquitoes and bear attacks!
Yakko: And not just any old camp, [gets the binoculars] boot camp!
Dot: Like Imelda Marcos, I've always adored boots. [the sergeant arrives] Hello, nurse! Hi, Mr. Camp Counselor. I'd like size three EEE boots with fringe and little pink bows on the toes, please. [wiggling her toes in the sergeant's face]
Sergeant: Get back in line, soldier!
Dot: [sniffs] Ew, who's P-yew?
[The sergeant giggles sheepishly]
Yakko: Psst. Down here. Say, is there a girls' camp across the lake? You know. "Hello, nurse".
Sergeant: Fall in! [the Warners literally fall to the ground] Get up! [the Warners stand up] Now, fall in! [repeat] Get up and fall in!
[The Warners stand up and fall to the ground at the same time]
Yakko: Is this part of our camp initiation? Frankly, we'd prefer the spanking machine.
Sergeant: Get up and get in line!
Yakko: Well why didn't you say that in the first place?
[The Warners stand straight in line]
Sergeant: Who do you think you are?
Yakko: We think, therefore we are the Warner brothers.
Dot: And the Warner sister.
Wakko: [shakes hands with the sergeant] Glad to make my acquaintance.
[The sergeant's watch falls into Wakko's wrist]
Sergeant: [grunts] Give me that back, you little Gila monster! [takes watch]
Yakko: All of it, Wakko. [Wakko gives back wallet, id cards, pen, teddy bear underwear, pink shirt, causes the sergeant to become embarrassed with a nervous smile] Excuse me, Mr. Camp Counselor, but, uh, when do we get to sing "Kumbaya"?
Sergeant: I am not a camp counselor! I am your drill instructor! This is the army, soldier!
Yakko: [realizes] The Army?
Dot: Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.
Wakko: Buh-bye.
[The Warners run off]
Sergeant: Get back here! [grabs them and puts them back in line] From now on, this Army will be your home. I will be your mother, father, aunt and uncle.
The Warners: A family! [kiss the sergeant] Mwah!
Sergeant: Stop that, you - you - you - What are you, anyway?!
Dot: Infested with fleas.
[The sergeant looks at the camera]
[All the recruits' hairs are being shaved. One man's hair is shaved, and resembles Private Snafu as "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background]
Shaver: [to Wakko] Oh, take off your hat. [Wakko does so] Oh, that one too. [again] Uh, that one too. Ooh. Hm. [all the hats land on him, growls]
Wakko: [wearing the clown's hair hat] Hat's all, folks!
Shaver: Behave yourself or I'll get real mad. Oh, yes I will, real mad. [shaves off stripe, Wakko paints it on again. This continues until Wakko shaves off a part of the shaver's head. The shaver paints a part of hair, then Wakko paints the moustache. Then shaver shaves off the top part of the hair. Then Wakko gives the shaver a coin and runs off] And I thought Opie was naughty.
[All the recruits, including the Warners, hold sheets and army uniforms]
Wakko: I don't want to be in the Army, Yakko. What are we gonna do?!
Yakko: Uhh...I'm leaning heavily toward fleeing.
[They walk outside]
Sergeant: To the left, right, left. Your left. To the left. To the left, right, left. I don't know but I've been told. Army life is mighty bold. Every night before retreat-
Yakko: We order out for luncheon meat.
Sergeant: [kicks the Warners] Platoon, get back to the barracks! [the soldiers leave] As for you three, I've had it!
Dot: Good. Does that mean we can leave?
Sergeant: [snarky] No, Private Cute Boots. From now on, I'm training you to become agents of total destruction.
Yakko: But we don't want to be mailmen. We'd rather work for a living.
[The Warners hold shovels. Dot spray paints boots pink]
Sergeant: Detail, halt. [they did so] A foxhole is a soldier's best friend.
Yakko: Must be hard to go to the movies together.
Sergeant: Dig! [the Warners dig down, a fox comes out] Huh?
The Warners: We'd move if we were you.
[The sergeant startles and falls into the hole, screaming]
Wakko: Did we dig it deep enough?!
[The sergeant lands with a thud offscreen]
[During the grenade-throwing training]
Sergeant: This is the grenade range. You will learn all about the standard M26-A1-F472918-A fragmentation device. Just pull the pin and throw. [Wakko pulls pin and throws it away; freaking out] Throw the grenade!
Dot: You said throw the pin.
Sergeant: I meant pull the pin and throw the grenade!
Wakko: I'm all confused. [gives the grenade to the sergeant] You do it. [walks off with his siblings]
[The sergeant fumbles with grenade, which explodes]
[Inside the plane]
Sergeant: Normally, parachuting is reserved for well-trained, elite troops. But in your case, I'm gonna make an exception. [chuckles; grabs the Warners and jump from the plane] Geronimo!
The Warners: Sitting Bull!
Yakko: By the way, we took your dirty sheets to the laundry.
Sergeant: What dirty sheets?
Yakko: The ones you stuffed in your knapsack.
Sergeant: Huh? [pulls the string, and the bag opens to reveal the dirty sheets] Aaah! Ohhh! [falls down]
Yakko: No starch, right?
[The sergeant crashes to the ground]
Wakko: [in glorious 60fps] Don't worry, kids. It's almost over.
[The Warners land safely to the ground]
Sergeant: [dressed in a casual camping outfit] Come on, guys. Let's go camping. Build a campfire, make s'mores, sing songs. Come on.
Sergeant and the Warners: [singing]
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?
[Iris out, but Dot pushes it away]
Dot: [spoken; last lines] Camp is okay, but these pink boots are killing me. [lets go of the iris as the cartoon ends]

Spellbound [1.38]

edit
Merlin: Sonny Tufts, Sonny Bono, Lorna Luft, Yoko Ono, Paula Abdul, Chip and Dale, Hillary Clinton, Quinton McHale, I win, you win, Edwin Newman, Lee of Kathie, Regis Philbin! [after the explosion and smoke clears] Lo! I've created a nice pie.
Slappy: Beat it, ya mouse! You're ruining my cameo.
Pesto: Your cameo? Hey, what about our cameo, huh?
Slappy: Ah, quit your whining over there!
Pesto: Hey, who you tellin' to quit whinin'?
Bobby: She's talkin' to you.
Pesto: I ain't whinin'!
Bobby: Yeah, ya are. Now, quit it!
Pesto: I'm not whinin', you're whinin'.
Squit: Are we getting paid?
Brain: Come, Pinky! Let us return to the story!

Smitten with Kittens/Alas Poor Skullhead/White Gloves [1.39]

edit
[The scene takes place at the graveyard in Hamlet. Yakko plays Hamlet and Wakko plays Horatio, while Dot translates the Shakespearian language]
Narrator: And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's talking about.
[Yakko gives a stern look, and Dot, the translator, giggles. Wakko has dug up Skullhead. Yakko sees this, rushes back and snatches him from Wakko, then returns to his previous position]
Yakko: Alas, poor Yorrick!
Dot: Whoa, check out Skullhead!
Yakko: [while Wakko digs up an odd lamp and tosses away] I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
Dot: He was funny.
Yakko: [while Wakko digs up a mummy who runs away] He hath bore me on his back a thousand times.
Dot: He gave me piggy-back rides.
Yakko: And now, how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it.
Dot: I'm going to blow chunks. Bleugh!
[Wakko pulls a squid out of the grave and tosses it aside]
Yakko: [kisses Skullhead while Dot looks away, embarrassed, as Wakko tosses a kitchen sink] Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.
[Wakko pulls a pink 1959 Cadillac DeVille convertible out of the grave, then pushes it away]
Dot: We kissed a lot - not!
Yakko: Where be your jibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?
Dot: [while Wakko pulls up a large rocket] How come you're not funny now?
[Wakko must stop to rest before he's through]
Yakko: Not one now to mock your own grinning... [Skullhead's jaw falls to the ground as the rocket launches] ...quite chop-fallen?
Dot: No one's laughing now, and, by the way, your lower jaw's missing. [picks up the jaw from her interpreter's circle and hands it to Yakko]
[Wakko uses his shovel once more and lifts Cher out of the grave. She screams, bonks him on the head, and runs off]
Yakko: [watches Cher run towards the hills] Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her. Let her paint an inch thick. To this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. [tosses Skullhead toward the hills]
[Skullhead runs after Cher]
Dot: Follow that woman and tell her, no matter how much makeup she wears, [Skullhead grabs Cher from behind] she's still going to croak and end up looking just like you, [Cher punches Skullhead] and see if she laughs.
[Wakko motions for Yakko to come to the grave]
Yakko: Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing:
Dot: [jumps out of her circle and joins them] What'd you find in the hole?
Wakko: Our next cartoon!
Wakko: Tomorrow I'll play the xylophone! With my butt!

Fair Game/The Slapper/Puppet Rulers [1.40]

edit
Bogie: What I'm doing, you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. [Ilsa starts sobbing] Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.
Dot: [suddenly appears] Hello, Nurse!
Bogie: Huh?
[Dot proceeds to kiss Bogie many times]
Director: Cut!
[The cartoon begins with Slappy and Walter watching TV]
Narrator: Has this ever happened to you?
Slappy: Can we change the channel to something without Bob Saget in it?
Walter: No.
Narrator: Well, now there's a fabulous product that can smooth the edges off life's little annoyances.
Slappy: Ah, give me the remote control, already.
Walter: No! [Slappy claps her hands twice and a hand gives him a slap] Oof! Here you go.
Slappy: You're too kind.
Narrator: It's the Slapper.
Singers: [singing] Slap on, [Slappy claps twice] Slap off, Slap on, slap off. [Slappy claps twice] The Slapper.
Slappy: Works for me!

Buttermilk, It Makes a Body Bitter/Broadcast Nuisance/Raging Bird [1.41]

edit
Slappy: [as a young little squirrel] Sure, you may turn away from me now, but as long as I keep drinking my buttermilk, [drinks the buttermilk as she ages each time she takes a sip] I can count on growing up with a serious lactose intolerance. [burp] And even though I won't be able to digest the stuff, I'm gonna keep drinkin' my buttermilk. 'Cause it'll always remind me of you and the way you snubbed me when I was young and innocent. In fact, in later years, I'll become downright obsessed with that memory. Yeah, I'll spend years trackin' you down. And when I find ya, I'll give you exactly what you deserve, you no-good, heartless, half-witted yutz! [gets out a bomb and it blows up at a guy, laughs]
Announcer: Buttermilk, it makes a body bitter.
Slappy: Ah. What do you know? [throws another bomb at the camera and it blows up]

Animator’s Alley/Can’t Buy a Thrill/Hollywoodchuck [1.42]

edit
Announcer: [first lines] And now, Animator's Alley. Your hosts: The Warner Brothers.
Yakko: Today, our guest is Cappy "Cap" Barnhouse, a pioneer in animation. Welcome, Cappy.
Cappy: It's a pleasure to join ya.
Yakko: Why? Were we coming apart?
Cappy: Say that again?
Yakko: Never mind. Cappy, you were with the Warner Bros. studio from the very beginning, right?
Cappy: Yeah, I started with Warners back when all we made were pies. We just started making cartoons when people weren't buying the pies. Now, let's see. Now, that was back in 19...oh, I don't know. But it was back when we made pies. [Yakko wakes up] One day, the head guy, his name was Leon something-or-other, he says to me, he says, "Cappy, today I don't want you to make a pie. I want you to make a cartoon." [Yakko snores, Dot yawns, all Warners bored] Well, Rudy Ising and Hugh Harman and Friz and me and some other guy with a lisp was brought onboard. [the Warners all snore] And then we made our first cartoon, which was, uh...uh, Bosko and Honey. Oh, we made a few of those and... [mumbles, then snores, followed by the Warners] Pies! [the Warners wake up] We made pies. Uh, the cartoons came later.
Yakko: And speaking of cartoons, let's get this show on the road.
Announcer: We now return to Animator's Alley.
Cappy: So, uh, then, in '43 we made Winky, the Finicky Tapeworm. He lived inside a British buffalo, Sir Poopsalot. Then we made a bunch of fish cartoons. Fish are funny creatures. [Wakko makes gookie face, Dot gasps] Cappy: We did Timmy Tuna...
Yakko: Shh!
Cappy: ...Barney Bass, and Frieda the Overly Friendly Fluke. [Wakko and Dot spray each other with water] But the fish lip is the hardest to draw. [Yakko whispers to Dot] I've seen people scream when they see a poorly-drawn fish lip. [Dot whispers to Wakko] 'Cause they think it's a monster. But it's just a fish lip. [the Warners run away, get TV] Lips are important. You can't talk without lips. Well, you could, but you'd sound like: [babbles]
Announcer: We now return to Animator's Alley.
Cappy: In 1954, I got a bunion. So I figures, what if a bunion could talk? [the Warners literally melt. Bubbles come up] That's when I come up with Bunion Boy. [the Warners crawl away] Bunion Boy lived on a farmer's toe. Uh, I think that was a mistake. Farmers step in things that aren't decent. Then in '57, I made Kiki the Sickly Lemur. [the Warners get models of themself and replace themselves, which automatically nods] Would you like me to talk about it? Well, all right. Kiki had no torso.
The Warners: [running off] We're free! Free! Free!
[Last lines; we see the Warner Bros. Water Tower]
Yakko: [offscreen] Night, Wakko.
Wakko: [offscreen] Good night, Dot.
Dot: [offscreen] Good night, Yakko.
Yakko: [offscreen] Hey, I wonder what happened to Cappy.
[Back at the studio, Cappy's snoring. Yakko's model's head falls off]
Cappy: [wakes up] Pies! We made pies. [snoring]

Of Nice and Men/What a Dump/Survey Ladies [1.43]

edit
George: What you got in your hand?
Lennie: Only a Mouse, George.
Brain: I hate cameos.
George: Men don't play with mice. [throws Brain]
Brain: Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Rita: Hey! It’s a cartoon. What did you expect, Sondheim?
Wakko: That was kind of fun.
Yakko: Yeah, like waiting in line at the DMV.
Survey Ladies: Would you like to take a survey?
Yakko: No. Would you like to take a hike?! [presses the button, which causes the survey lades to be sucked back inside the cash register]
Survey Lady 1: [from inside; offscreen] Maybe they don't like beans.

Useless Facts/The Senses Song/The World Can Wait/Kiki’s Kitten [1.44]

edit
Announcer: And now, the Warners present: the senses.
[The Warners dance as the song plays]
Yakko: The sense of sight is what guides us right when we go out on walks.
Wakko: The sense of smell is the way to tell that you need to change your socks.
Dot: The sense of touch is what hurts so much when you bang your toe on the bed.
Yakko: The sense of hearing is something good, 'cause if a tree falls in the wood, would there be a sound? You bet there would, if it landed on top your head!
The Warners: Your head! If a tree lands on top of your head!
Wakko: The sense of taste affects your waist.
Yakko: Which makes five senses in all.
Dot: There's a sixth sense, too, but it's hard to explain. It's a psychic connection inside of your brain so you can understand people like Shirley MacLaine.
Yakko: Who wear crystals they bought in the mall!
The Warners: The mall! Who wear crystals they bought in the mall!
Yakko: And now, the other senses!
Dot: There are scents you can smell like cologne from Chanel or the scents of expensive perfume.
Yakko: There are scents of flowers we hope overpowers the kitty box next to your room.
Wakko: There's a sense of pride you have deep down inside.
Yakko: When you practice a sense of fair play.
Dot: There are dollars and cents that you pay at a toll.
Yakko: Or the census man who is taking a poll.
Wakko: And a sense of confusion we're out of control.
The Warners: And they really should take us away! Away! They really should take us away!
Dot: There's a sense of humor, a sense of doom, or a sense of awe, sense of timing.
Yakko: The sense of a word, a sense of absurd like trying to do all this rhyming!
Dot: There's incense.
Wakko: And horse sense.
Yakko: And common sense, it's true.
Dot: Sense of wonder, sense of beauty.
Wakko: Sense of honor, sense of duty.
Yakko: A sense of doubt, a sense of danger.
Dot: A sense of fear when you meet a stranger.
Wakko: A sense of style, a sense of worth.
Yakko: A sense of direction for knowing the earth.
The Warners: A sense of dread as we're singing this song that it's starting to turn out completely all wrong and it's time that we end it because it's too long! [deep breath] 'Cause it just doesn't make any sense! Nonsense! This song doesn't make any sense!

Windsor Hassle/...And Justice for Slappy [1.45]

edit
The Warners: [singing]
'Who can turn the stove on with her smile?
Who can take a bubble bath, and suddenly fill it with crocodiles?
'Cause it's you, Dot! And you should know it!
Put nitro on a bridge go ahead and blow it!
Mud is all around, I guess it's spring.
Name another crooner other than Bing.
Don't throw your hat up in the air!
'Cause what might come down is a Frigidaire! Dot!
Queen Elizabeth II: Put some elbow into it! We must have this room ready for the banquet tonight! Chop-chop!
[The painters revealed to be the Queen's royal family]
Prince Edward: Really Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?
Queen Elizabeth II: Because we used up the rest of the budget on the rest of the castle. Now back to work!
Princess Anne: I'll never be queen!
Prince Andrew: [holding his paintbrush backwards] My paintbrush doesn't work!
Princess Sarah: Twit.
Queen Mum: I don't want to do this poop anymore! I want some tea!
[They kept complaining all at once]
Queen Elizabeth II: SILENCE! [they stop] All day long! Whine, whine, whine! What kind of a family have we raised?! Just look at you all! Well, if you don't want to help, then lead. [the royal family smiled and run off in full speed, trampling the Queen, who stands up] Well! We'll just have to do it ourselves. [begins to paint, but stops] We'll never finish in time for the banquet!
Queen Elizabeth II: Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.
[The Warners look around]
Wakko: Who's like us to begin?
Queen Elizabeth II: We would. Us. Ourselves.
Wakko: [jumping up on Queen Elizabeth and looks down her throat] How many people you got in there? Hello?! HELLO?!
Queen Elizabeth II: Get away from us!
Yakko: She needs therapy. [plants the queen on a therapy couch] Alright Sybil, whom I'm speaking to now?
Queen Elizabeth II: We insist that you stop this! You people are crazy!
Yakko: Look who's talking.
[The Warners flap their mouths with their fingers as they make sounds]
Queen Elizabeth II: We are not amused.
Yakko: Well "we" certainly are.
[The Warners laugh uncontrollably]

Turkey Jerky/Wild Blue Yonder [1.46]

edit
Yakko: [pretending to be a psychologist] So tell me about your hamster, Petey was it?
Miles Standish: Oh Petey, how I didist love that hamster so, I tooketh him to bed with me every night you know.
Yakko: [to the viewers] Goodnight, everybody!
Miles Standish: [to the Warners] Be gone pests and give me the bird!
Yakko: We'd love to really, but the Fox censors won't allow it!

Video Review/When Mice Ruled the Earth [1.47]

edit
Yakko: Hey, look at this store!
Wakko: There's movies galore!
Dot: We've seen them a thousand times over before!
The Warners: And that's why our brains don't work anymore!
Yakko: The Player is a movie about finding fresh new scripts, like Rambo III and Rocky V and Star Trek Number VI.
Dot: Eva toured with Zsa Zsa and they formed a sister act, but both were Unforgiven because neither one could act.
Wakko: The Hand That Rocked the Cradle once belonged to Hook, you see, but it got bored, and so it joined The Addams Family.
Yakko: Amadeus was a genius, Beethoven was a dog, The Muppet Family Christmas is about a pig and frog.
Dot: There was a sled named "Rosebud" and a citizen named "Kane," he rode 'til the snow was melted, now he's Singin' in the Rain.
Wakko: The Princess Bride got married to the handsome Prince of Tides, which now makes her dad, The Fisher King the Father of the Bride.
The Warners: And pretty soon, you'll see them all inside the TV Guide. Along with all the stars you like to see!
Dot: Like Hitchcock and Spielberg and Oliver Stone...
Yakko: Shirley MacLaine and Sylvester Stallone...
Wakko: Francis Ford Coppola, Hepburn and Tracy...
Dot: Robert Zemeckis and Martin Scorsese...
Yakko: Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Woody Allen and Mia...
Wakko: Robert DeNiro and Andy Garcia...
Dot: Sophia Loren, Barbra Streisand, Joan Crawford...
Yakko: Paul Newman, Rock Hudson, Spike Lee, Peter Lawford...
The Warners: Jack Nicholson, Brando and Marilyn Monroe....And that's all the people we know!
Crowd: We're glad the dinosaur is gone, he was an easy mark. But if we ever miss him, we can rent Jurassic Park. So when it comes to clunkers like The Babe or like Presidio...
The Warners: Don't pay $7.50. Just catch 'em on home video. As for us, it's bye-bye time, so long and toodle-oo! We've had quite enough of this...
Crowd: Video revue!
Brain Here we are, Pinky! At the dawn of time!
Pinky: [yawns] Narf, Brain! Wake me up at the noon of time. [Wakko plays the rimshot] What was that?! [looks around wildly]
Brain: Engine knock.

Mobster Mash/Like Titicaca/Icebreakers [1.48]

edit
Don Pepperoni: [to Mobster henchmen] Show these kids the door!
Yakko: That's okay, we can see it from here. [Mobster henchmen pick the Warners up and carry them bodily to the door] Ooh, nice door.
Wakko: Faboo!
Dot: Great hinges.
[Camera changes to outside the restaurant as the Warners are thrown flying out the door]
Yakko: [to his siblings] Was it something we said?
Yakko: So what'll it be Dadoo? The calamari or the squid?
Don Pepperoni: The calamari is' squid.
Yakko: Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles.
Don Pepperoni: The pasta is noodles.
Yakko: Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?
Don Pepperoni: Marinara is red sauce!
Yakko: Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage?
Don Pepperoni: [yelling] THEY'RE ALL THE SAME!
Yakko: [to Dot] Do you realize that this cuts our menu in half?
Rita: [after Runt picks her up] Oh. Am I in this cartoon too?

'Twas the Day Before Christmas/Jingle Boo/The Great Wakkorotti: The Holiday Concert/Toy Shop Terror/Yakko's Universe [1.49]

edit
Yakko: So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Dot: Some creatures was stirring
Wakko: Including a mouse! [points at Pinky and Brain]
Brain: Tonight my dear Pinky our plan is unfurled, we'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world!
Pinky: Brain you're a genius, you simply astound me! [accidentally hits Brain with a sack he's carrying knocking him off the tower] Narf! Brain's gonna pound me!
Dot: The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed...
Wakko: In hopes that old Santa would leave a wide load,
Yakko: Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!
Dot: [after Ralph who's dressed as Santa Claus crashes through their ceiling] He was dressed all in furs with a glaze in his eyes, 'cuz the fall knocked him silly
Ralph: [dazed] Duh, happy Easter you guys!
Wakko: His face how it twinkled, his dimples how merry
Dot : His cheeks were like roses
Yakko: [pointing at Ralph's belly sticking out his shirt] His gut that was scary!

A Christmas Plotz/Little Drummer Warners [1.50]

edit
Yakko: [to the chorus girls] Hello nurses, say why don't you stop by the water tower and I'll show you my stamp collection.
Chorus Girl: [giggling] But Yakko, you don't have a stamp collection.
Yakko: [puts his finger under her chin] Alright then, you can open my mail.

Branimaniacs/The Warners and The Beanstalk/Frontier Slappy [1.51]

edit
[First lines; cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]
Slappy: Mornin', Skippy.
Skippy: Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?
Slappy: A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. [shows him the cereal]
Skippy: Wow, we're on the box!
Slappy: That's right, kiddo.
Skippy: Do we get paid for that?
Slappy: You don't...but just look at what's inside! [pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion] Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. [sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon] It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy. [pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]
Skippy: You bet! [eats the cereal]
Slappy: And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.
[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]
Skippy: I gotta get up and go.
Slappy: I'll race ya.
[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to giant cereal box]
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani-
Slappy: [speaking, looking sick] My stomach's in pain-y
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Branimaniacs!
Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. [camera pans right to a village] No, much farther than that. [camera pans right to another village] No, further still. [camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village] Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people. [a man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path] The villagers were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.
[Ralph the Giant steps on road, man screams, and runs away. Ox runs away]
Ralph the Giant: Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! [puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of forest] All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! [laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]
Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Also in this village, lived the three Warners. The Warners were so poor, they had to sell their only possession. A dried up old cow.
[Cow turns to The Narrator, grunting]
Yakko: There's the used cow salesman now. Let me do the talking. [dismouning cow] Excuse me, but would you be interested in buying our cow? Steers like a dream.
Salesman: Well, uhh...I don't know.
Yakko: How 'bout buying Wakko? [holds Wakko up]
Wakko: Why me? [shows sparkly eyes]
Yakko: 'Cause Dot gets more letters.
[Dot writes signatures, puts them into letters, then sees Wakko angry at her]
Dot: I can't help it if I'm cute!
Salesman: Okay, tell ya what. I'll give ya a bean for that cow.
Yakko: [getting in The salesman's face] Bean? A bean? You should be ashamed of yourself! Why, she's worth at least, uhh...three beans!
Salesman: Deal. [he and Yakko shake hands, and holds out 3 beans; but the Cow eats the three beans]
Dot: There goes our 3 bean salad.
[The cow struggles, does a wild take spits beans into hole. The beanstalk immediately starts grow as the Cow and the salesman scatter]
Yakko: [to the viewer] Beans'll do that to ya. [the Warners scream, and get pushed into the clouds. They get zipped into a bean pod. He unzips, and Wakko spits] Huh. That's the last time I ever travel by bean.
Dot: [poking Yakko's arm] Look! [points to the castle]
[The Warner Siblings walk to the castle]
Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And sure enough, The Warners had arrived at the giant castle.
[The Warners go to door]
Yakko: Looks like Aaron Spelling's house.
Harp: [singing offscreen] Free me, free me, Won't you rescue me? The giant sleeps before he wakes. Come in and rescue me.
Yakko: Are you pretty?
Harp: [offscreen] Yes!
[Yakko and Wakko look to each other excitedly]
Yakko: We'll be right there.
[Wakko drags grappling hook out of bag]
Dot: Is there a handsome man in there too?
Harp: [offscreen] No.
Dot: I'll wait out here.
[Wakko throws a grappling hook onto the inside. Yakko and Wakko pull the rope down, making the door fall down. Dot reads a magazine before getting dragged inside by Yakko and Wakko. The Warners are inside the castle]
Dot: This must be Tori's dressing room.
Harp: Hello. Please save me.
Yakko and Wakko: Hello, Harp!
Yakko: She's a dream! [floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]
Wakko: She's a princess. [floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]
Dot: She's a woman with a harp stuck to her back! Boys. [sternly walks up leg of table]
[Wakko plays harp]
Harp: O-hohohoho, oh, uh, that tickles! [gripping Yakko's chin] If you rescue me, you'll be greatly rewarded. I'll give you 4 beans, and a goose.
Yakko: [stern] How lucky can we get?
Harp: [gripping Yakko's chin] Ooh, but this goose is very special. It lays golden eggs.
Yakko: A little fibre in its diet, and it won't do that anymore.
Wakko: [picks up goose, looks under, puts it down again, confused. He shakes goose] It's broken. [goose gasps, then poops out a golden egg] I fixed it!
[Camera trucks-in to Ralph the Giant's bedroom. Ralph the Giant wakes up, yawnning]
Harp: Please, we must leave before the giant wakes. Lower me safely to the floor.
[The Warners push The Harp off the table. The Harp screams as she falls. landing on the floor offscreen]
The Warners: Oops.
[The Harp is irritated. She gasps, seeing Ralph the Giant behind the Warners]
Ralph the Giant: A-ha! I got teeny-weenies in my house! [puts face at level of the Warners]
[The Warners panic and shout. Dot points hand, Yakko babbles and bounces, and Wakko spins, then revert]
The Warners: [calm, enthusiastic] Hi!
Ralph the Giant: [picks up the Warners and the goose and sniffs them] Pea-pie-poo-kerplot, I smells Yakko, Wakko, and Dot!
Yakko: Don't you mean, "Fee-fi-fo-fum"?
Ralph the Giant: Yeah, but it don't rhymes with "Dot".
Dot: You know, you really should pluck those unsightly nose hairs. [pulls a nosehair out]
Ralph the Giant: Oow! Uh, dat smarted me!
Yakko: I doubt it.
Ralph the Giant: Now, I's gonna eat you teeny-weenies. [puts on apron]
Yakko: Eat us?
Dot: You don't wanna eat us?
Wakko: We taste awful.
The Warners: Bleugh!
Yakko: Hmm... [clicking is heard as a light bulb appears. He, Wakko, and Dot huddle and whisper among themselves] We know what you want.
Ralph the Giant: You does?
The Warners: Uh-huh.
[Wakko makes the goose poop out a golden egg. Yakko cracks it, and pours the yolk and egg white into the pan with heater, then shakes it. Dot gets canned meat out of a tin container, and drops it onto tiny plate while Yakko gets eggs on the plate]
Yakko: [rhyming à la Dr. Suess] I'm sure you'll love this, have a seat. Here's your meal, gold eggs and meat.
Ralph the Giant: I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat. [puts a lid over them and takes the plate to the cupboard. He opens the cupboard, only to find the Warners in it]
Yakko: [holding a plate of ice cream] Would you like them À La Mode?
Wakko: [lifting his hat to reveal a toad] Would you like them with a toad?
[Toad croaks]
Ralph the Giant: I would not like them À La Mode. I would not like them with a toad. I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Wakko puts his hat back on and pulls down the next scene. Ralph the Giant is on top of a mountain during a rainstorm. Lightning strikes twice]
Wakko: [holding out a cod] Would you like them with a cod?
Yakko: [giving Ralph the Giant a metal rod] Holding up a metal rod?
Ralph the Giant: [holding the metal rod] I would not like them with a cod, holding up a metal rod. [the Warners jump off him. Lightning strikes the metal rod and Ralph the Giant, exposing his skeleton. He falls off the mountain, landing on the forest] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Ralph the Giant is on The San Andreas Fault. An arm holding a "San Andreas Fault" sign sticks out then draws back in. The Warners are standing inside a door]
Dot: [sprinkling salt on the gold eggs and meat] How about with a dash of salt?
Yakko: On The San Adreas Fault?
[An earthquake shakes, splitting The San Andreas Fault. Ralph the Giant falls into The San Andreas Fault]
Ralph the Giant: No, not with a dash of salt, on The San Andreas Fault. [the earthquake reunites The San Andreas Fault, trapping him] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Ralph the Giant is in Tokyo, Japan. The people are panickedly fleeing from him. The Warners arrive in a rikshaw, with Wakko pulling the rikshaw]
Wakko: Would you, could you in Japan?
Yakko: With Godzilla and Rodan?
[Godzilla (actually The Dragon from "Sir Yaksalot") and Rodan arrive and on each side of Ralph the Giant]
Ralph the Giant: I would not, could not in Japan, [pushing Godzilla and Rodan away] with Godzilla and Rodan. [Godzilla breathes fire on him, roasting him black. Rodan flaps his wings, blowing him away to an island] I will not like gold eggs and meat. It's-
Warner Siblings: [in unison] Us that you would like to eat.
[Dot pulls the film reel to the next scene. They are on top of the cloud outside the castle]
Yakko: Eat them, eat them on a cloud.
Ralph the Giant: [giving in] Oh, all right, for crying out loud! [takes the plate and swallows the meal] Mmmmm! Gold eggs and meat I do not hate.
Yakko: But now those clouds won't hold your weight.
Ralph the Giant: [starts to sink through the cloud] Gee, I never thought about that. [falls through the cloud, crashing into the ground bellow, taking some of the land down with him] Fee-fi-fo-fum, I fall down and hurt my bum. [thud]
Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And, so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb. [the same man with jewelry rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and the Warners are on stage with The Mayor] And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.
Mayor: As Mayor of The Village of The Happy and Rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... [reaches in pocket as the Warners look in anticipation] Five beans, and Merv Griffin's autograph.
[The villagers applaud offscreen as Yakko is given items]
Yakko: [annoyed] Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?
[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing each other, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]
Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone]
Daniel Boone: [hopping off his wagon] Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. [chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothespins. [and another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf. [and several more...wipe to him and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree] Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.
Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]
Skippy: How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]
Skippy: What's that?
Slappy: Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Daniel Boone: Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Slappy: Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
Daniel Boone: I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
Slappy: [slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
Daniel Boone: No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]
Slappy: Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
Daniel Boone: No!
Slappy: I was hoping you'd say that. [pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]
[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Daniel Boone: Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! [slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]
Slappy: What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
Daniel Boone: [angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doin'?!
Slappy: Call me Norma Rae, or Barbara Rae, but I unionised your team.
Daniel Boone: Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]
Ox: Management.
[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
Daniel Boone: SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs, and does a weak imitation of a panther roar]
[Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]
Skippy: [sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
Slappy: [sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. [Boone roars again. She walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger! [Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him] The panther's in my bridge club.
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]
Skippy: Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Maybe a flying Wallenda, I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
Daniel Boone:[dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy... [thud]
[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
Daniel Boone: QUIET, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her. [using a fake beak to peck at the tree]
[Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]
Slappy: There's no rest for the elderly. [ppens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
Daniel Boone: Shoot, no! I'm a big woodpecker.
Slappy: Get out of here with that woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
Daniel Boone: No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such? [looks innocent]
Slappy: I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
Daniel Boone: Dang straight!
Slappy: Then, here, I made you some woodpecker lunch. [offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]
Daniel Boone: [nervously disgusted] That's...right neighbourly of you, ma'am. [forced to keep up his charade, eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]
Slappy: Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt, and rotten bark, eh, Woody?
[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
Slappy: That's nice singing. They remind me of Up with People.
[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]
Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
Daniel Boone:[offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]
Tom: Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
Dick: Yeah, who do you think you are?
Larry: Hey, we got rights, you know.
Dick: Wait a second!
Larry: We got a contract!
Tom: Our agent said...
Dick: Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous.
Tom: Yeah, what's going on here?
Daniel Boone: I said, "GIT"! I'm going to blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus! [the Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as he pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match] If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it! [lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs] Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... [brightens] root cellar.
[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion...under the wagon]
Slappy: Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants!
Daniel Boone: [screams as he's blown into space] Shoot, dang. OH! [comes crashing back down to Earth]
Slappy: Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.
[Last lines; at the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace]
Skippy: What do you want to do tonight, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: How about a little music, Skippy? [to the Dover Boys] Hit it, boys.
Dover Boys:[singing] Slappy Squirrel was a grand old dame. Yes, a grand old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone, now she pays us to sing of her fame.
Slappy: What can I say? I love the lyrics.

Ups and Downs/The Brave Little Trailer/Yes, Always [1.52]

edit
Wakko: Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No! I don't like ze jokes, Wakko!
Wakko: Not even a knock-knock joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: NO!
[Wakko and Dr. Scratchansniff sit quietly for a moment]
Wakko: It's really funny.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, alright, fine. One joke.
Wakko: Knock-knock!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Who's there?
Wakko: Max!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Max, who?
Wakko: Max wants to come in and go crazy!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [looks at the audience, confused, then back at Wakko] Well. Okay, now that's not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.
Wakko: It does if you know Max.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But I don't KNOW Max!
Wakko: If you did, you'd be laughin'!

Drive-Insane/Girlfeathers/I’m Cute [1.53]

edit
Dot: [singing]
I'm cute, yes, it's true.
I really can't help it, but what can I do?
When you're cute, it just shows
With these two darling eyes and this cute little nose.
And a pretty pink dress that's adorable, yes,
And when they see my dimples then everyone says.
Crowd: Aw, shoot! Isn't she cute?!
Yakko and Wakko: Cute, cute, oh, isn't she cute? Cute, cute!
Dot: I'm the one they adore.
I'm sweet and I'm cuddly and small just like Dudley but more! It's a chore!
To be constantly cute and enchanting to boot.
With my lips sticking out in a cute little pout,
Then there just is no doubt why the guys like to shout.
Yakko and Wakko: She's a beaut!
Dot: Let's face it, I'm cute!
Yakko and Wakko: Cute, cute, oh, baby, she's cute! Cute, cute!
Dot: Being cute's a thing you can't hide.
If you look up the word in a book, there's my picture inside.
TV Guide has me on the cover.
Yakko and Wakko: [becoming bored] Don't you just love her?
Dot: I'm simply a goddess.
Yakko: And isn't she modest?
Dot: I'm the answer to one of the questions in Trivial Pursuit for "Who's the most cute".
Yakko and Wakko: Cute, cute, oh, isn't she cute? Cute, cute.
Dot: I'm cute and I'm sweet and I'm innocent, neat, and so trusting.
Yakko and Wakko: If you want our opinion, this song is becoming disgusting.
Dot: I'm cute.
Yakko and Wakko: So what?
Dot: I never am vain.
Yakko: She's becoming a pain in the-
Dot: But I'm also real nice. I'm a doll through and through.
Yakko and Wakko: So big whoop-de-doo.
Dot: I'm sweet and adoring.
Yakko and Wakko: And also real boring and that's why we're snoring at you. [make gookie faces, but notices the swing is empty]
Dot: [spoken; becomes increasingly mad] That's it! You've ruined my entire cute song! I am angry! I am furious! I AM ENRAGED! I HAVE HAD IT!!! [hyperventilating]
Yakko: [realizes this] You're awfully cute when you're angry.
Dot: [calms down] You really think so?
The Warners: A babba dabba babba doo wow!
Yakko and Wakko: She's cute!

Brain Meets Brawn/Meet Minerva [1.54]

edit
[A scene in London is shown. It pans to a building with a sign that says Dr. Jekyll. Inside the building, a short man is shown holding a beaker with green, bubbling liquid in it. He drinks some of the liquid. He is still for a second, then drops the beaker and gags, covering his mouth. He starts shaking violently. His skin turns yellow while the gradually grows larger, then his skin starts to turn dark lime. He holds his throat, then he turns green, resembling a zombie, then growls loudly. He punches his desk, which snaps in half easily, dropping its contents. He rubs his hands together menacingly, laughing to himself. Pinky watches from his cage, while Brain paces beside him, not watching]
Pinky: Egad! Dr. Jekyll's turned himself into that fearsome Mr. Hyde again, Brain.
Brain: Yes, Pinky. If only I could find a way to use that savage strength.
[The door opens and a whistle blows, three policemen are shown]
Policeman 1: There he is! Take him!
[All the policemen wrestle with the scientist. Big Ben rings, indicating 4:00. They stopped fighting]
Policeman 2: 4 'o clock!
Policemen and Mr. Hyde: Tea time!
[They all sit down neatly at a table, politely having tea]
Policeman 3: Scone?
Mr. Hyde: Delighted. Sugar?
Policeman 1: Please.
[The four of them sip their tea, we their mouths, then growl and start fighting again on the table]
Policeman 2: [offscreen] Right! It's jail for you, Hyde!
[The policemen drag Mr. Hyde out of the building as he growls and struggles]
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals then kids wouldn't buy them.
Brain: [grabs Pinky's head] Hello in there, Pinky. [shakes Pinky's head up and down, something can heard rattling] Now, concentrate. The British are fanatical about tea time. Everything stops when Big Ben strikes four. Therefore, if I can stop that clock at precisely four pm, it will cause infinite tea time, allowing us to take over the British empire, and then the world!
Pinky: Egad, Brain, brilliant! [as Brain unlocks the cage with a needle] Oh wait, no, no. You'd have to be a hulking muscular giant to stop that clock, Brain.
Brain: Exactly, Pinky. [gets a thimble full of the green liquid] As they say in rustic circles, bottoms up. [drinks green liquid]
Pinky: Is it working, Brain? Any changes, tingling, itching? Feeling anything, do you, do you, do you?
Brain: Quiet, Pinky, you’re angering me! Now please- [twitches, then steam blows out his ears]
[Brain continues to twitch and shake violently as Pinky cautiously backs away. Pinky is shown trembling, as Brain’s shadow against the wall shows him grow very large. He stops twitching]
Pinky: Narf.. [his ears go down; Brain is now shown as massive and green. He jumps down from the counter that is now shorter than he is. He grabs a stool, lifts it over his head, and approaches him; yelps] Sorry I angered you, Brain! [Brain twitches, then quickly shrinks, causing the stool to fall down on top of him. He jumps down from the counter and runs over to Brain] Egad, Brain, it works!
Brain: Unfortunately, its effects are dreadfully unpredictable. [Pinky pulls him by the nose out from under the stool. Brain inflates to his normal size after being squished] We must find a way to control the transformation. Hmm. I transformed when you angered me, and transformed back when you apologized. That's it! [shakes pinky] Anger me, Pinky!
Pinky: Zounds, Brain, I don't want to!
Brain: [jumping onto Pinky's chest] Do it Pinky.
Pinky: No, Brain, you'll bop me.
Brain: Pinky, make me angry! [twitches, grows large and green again, growls, holds his fist up and is about to punch Pinky]
Pinky: [gasps] I didn't want to make you angry, Brain, sorry! [Brain shrinks back down to his normal size and falls down. Pinky runs over to him] Zort, Brain, are you alright?
Brain: Yes, Pinky, for you have, in your own very special manner, found a way for us to control this awesome power. [they are now standing on a blueprint] Once we enter Big Ben, I'll use my physical prowess to stop the center wheel, while you dislodge the palette, and disrupt the intrinsic mechanism.
Pinky: What if that doesn't work?
Brain: Then...we'll throw a big wrench in it.
Pinky: Just one, Brain. Can we make the bells play chopsticks? [blinks, playing the first four notes of chopsticks]
Brain: [sarcastically] Oh, yes, Pinky, let’s do. And how about John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
Pinky: Oh, you read my mind, goodie, goodie, great idea Brain! [singing] Jooooohn Jacob Jingleheimer Schmi-
Brain: [whacks Pinky in the head with a rolled up blueprint] Sarcasm is lost on you, Pinky. Now, let us rest. For, tomorrow, we have an empire to overthrow! [it's now morning] Come, Pinky. Let us make haste.
Pinky: One question, Brain.
Brain: Don't anger me yet, Pinky.
Pinky: Oh! Right. Nevermind. [they climb down a rope to get outside. Ralph chases the Warners, all four of whom are dressed up in British clothing. Pinky and the Brain come outside, run to a ladder, and climb it. They run on a clothesline, and then stop to look at Big Ben] Oh, look how pretty the clock is from here, Brain! Narf!
Brain: Keep moving, Pinky, we've not much time.
Pinky: The clouds, the sky..
Brain: [frustrated] Pinky.
Pinky: Look! That cloud looks like a big pomegranate!
Brain: Pinky, you're making me angry! [twitches again]
[Pinky gasps. Brain grows large, and the rope can no longer hold their weight, causing them to fall. While falling, Brain grabs Pinky and growls at him]
Pinky: Egad! Sorry, Brain! [Brain becomes his normal size. Brain lands in a metal can, while Pinky lands in hay] Whee, ha, that was fun, wasn’t it Brain? [Brain twitches again, Pinky's ears go back. The can spins away, then Brain grows inside of it, then snaps the middle of the can. Brain is breathing heavily. He walks away, leaving Pinky behind] No, wait, Brain! Narf! I didn't apologize yet!
[Brain approaches Big Ben. There are two guards out front]
Guard 1: Americans.
[Brain grabs both guards by their collars, holding them in the air]
Pinky: Brain! Brain! I didn't mean for us to fall, I'm sorry! [Brain twitches and become small again. The guards are dazed, and Brain falls to the ground; rushes to his side] Brain, are you alright?
Brain: Your timing is impeccable, Pinky.
[The two guards, still dazed, fall over]
Pinky and Brain: Run!
[The guards land on their butts with a thud]
Brain: But, for once, you aired in our favor, my friend.
[They both run into Big Ben. They walk past the pendulum, then past all the gears and inner workings]
Pinky: [jumping over part of a gear] Woop! Wow.
Brain: There it is, Pinky. [has gears in his eyes] The main wheel of Big Ben. We stop that, and we stop the world! Yes! Now, Pinky! Help me transform and I will stop the gears. Then, you can dislodge the palette. Got that?
Pinky: Dislodge the palette, yes!
Brain: [hops onto the main gear] Now. Make me mad.
Pinky: Okay, Brain, narf, um, ohh, oh, o-okay, hey you, you dum-dum! [folds his arms proudly]
Brain: Come on, you can do better than that.
Pinky: Um, right, um, your mother, she's older than you.
Brain: Pinky, try harder, quickly!
Pinky: Well, I-I-I don't know, Brain. I, I-I-I-I, I-I-I-I...
Brain: Pinky! [twitches, grows large and stops the gears, groaning]
Pinky: [hops up to the palette] Dislodge the palette. [tries to pull on what's keeping the palette in place, fails]
Brain: Now, Pinky! The palette!
Pinky: Oh, sorry Brain! [tries to move the palette, fails. Brain shrinks back to normal size, the gears turn and audibly crush him. The palette turns and Pinky falls. Both mice are tossed around by gears. Big Ben strikes four. Both mice fall, get hit by swinging pendulum. They land on the bells, which play chopsticks on the mice. The clock passes four. The mice land on the floor in front of the entrance] Oh, I'm sorry, Brain... [Brain twitches, then shrinks] Narf! Oh, no, I'm-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! [Brain shrinks twice] Egad, Brain. I don't mean to keep sayin' I'm sorry!
Brain: [shrinks again; high-pitched voice] Anger me Pinky! Hit me!
Pinky: Ohh, [whimpers] egad, Brain. [pants] Alright... [flicks Brain, who grows some]
Brain: [slightly lower voice] Again, Pinky. [Pinky flattens Brain with his fist, who stands up, dazed, then grows; Lower voice, but still high-pitched] Again.
Pinky: [hits Brain over the head with a large board, Brain grows back to normal size] Again, Brain?
Brain: No, Pinky!
Pinky: Oh. Well, tomorrow then, I could hit you tomorrow.
Brain: No, Pinky. This plan is detrimental to my health. We must devise another.
Pinky: What for, Brain? [Brain turns towards him who gasps and braces himself to be hit] Oh, right, to take over the world, sorry. [Brain shrinks and becomes very small. Both start walking home without saying anything. Big Ben's bells play chopsticks] Listen, Brain, they're playing our song! [does a spin]
Warners: [singing offscreen] They're dinky. They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.

Gold Rush/A Gift of Gold/Dot’s Quiet Time [1.55]

edit
[At the Water Tower]
Dot: [reading a book on her bed] I love reading cheap horror romance thriller novels. [begins to read]
[But the noise interrupts her reading. The noise came from Yakko and Wakko, who are playing Union Soldiers vs. Indians]
Yakko and Wakko: [dressed up as Indians] Fire! [shoots both arrows, and back to the Union soldiers, playing dead. They continue to laugh and play]
Dot: [annoyed] Quiet! [the brothers stopped while wearing hockey uniforms] Thanks. [goes back to reading, but is still interrupted by her brothers playing pirates and Muskateers; singing] All I want is quiet, no reason to deny it, I can't take that riot, quiet! QUIET! QUIET!!! Let me clarify it, the noise, I can't defy it, I simply will not buy it. Give me quiet! QUIET! QUIET!!! [opens the top latch of the water tower, and climbs out] Not to nullify it, I just won't stand by it. It's time now to bye-bye it. I want quiet! QUIET! QUIET! [Beethoven's Sixth Symphony plays, she goes to the file to relax, but is disturbed by a cow chewing the grass, the caterpillar eating a leaf, and a cricket chirping; turning red] I said quiet! QUIET! QUIET!!! This search I can't deny it to find some peace and quiet. I'll search both low and high, it must be quiet! QUIET! QUIET!!! [goes to Scotland to read, but gets interrupted by Angus McRory's bagpipes] QUIET! [goes to France, where she enters the Notre Dame Cathedral; sighs] Such peace. Such joy. [tries to read, but the sound of the bells caused her to rip the book in half] QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!! [goes to Italy, where she sits on the bench and tries to read the fixed book, but the Leaning Tower of Pisa falls over and crumbles to the ground. She goes to Africa, where the animals are roaming in the fields] I said quiet! Quiet! QUIET! [she sailed to the small island where she finds a place to read, but is interrupted by a volcano, which erupts by shooting her into the sky and splash in the ocean. Tranquil music plays. She, at last, climbs to the top of Mount Everest, looks around] Yoo-hoo! [echoes. There's no sound. At last, she can finally read; followed by silence] Hmm. Gee, it's so quiet. [shrugs, gets back to reading, but looks around some more] Too quiet. Terribly quiet. Awfully quiet. [screams loudly with an echo, but there is still no sound] I thought I wanted quiet, I thought I could apply it, but now that I have tried it. [nods] I'm sick and tired of quiet! [pulls out a radio, turns on a rock version of the theme song, and starts reading, getting used to the sound; iris out]

Schnitzelbank/The Helpinki Formula/Les Boutons Et Le Ballon/Kung Boo [1.56]

edit
[The song "Schnitzelbank" plays]
Otto: Ist das nicht ein piece of chalk?
Warners: Ja, das ist ein piece of chalk.
Otto: Ist das nicht ein key and lock?
Warners: Ja, das ist ein key and lock.
Otto and the Warners: Piece of chalk, key and lock. Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, Oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Yakko: [spoken] Are we having fun yet?
Otto: [singing] Ist das nicht ein cuckoo clock?
Warners: Ja, das ist ein cuckoo clock.
Otto: Does it nicht go tick-tick-tock?
Warners: Ja, it does go tick-tick-tock.
Otto and the Warners: Cuckoo clock, tick-tick-tock, piece of chalk, key and lock. Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Otto: [spoken] You see, it's a very easy song. Would you like to try?
Yakko: Oh, gee, professor, that'd be great! What should I sing about?
Otto: Anything that you want. The secret is to just have fun, okay?
Yakko: Okay! [singing] Ist das nicht ein piece of bread?
Otto, Wakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein piece of bread.
Yakko: Does it fit in Wakko's head?
Otto, Wakko and Dot: Ja, it fits in Wakko's head.
Yakko: Piece of bread, Wakko's head.
Otto and the Warners: Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Dot: [spoken] Here, let me try! [singing] Is he not a cute man this?
Yakko and Wakko: Ja, he is a cute man this.
Dot: Ist das nicht ein great big kiss?
Yakko and Wakko: Ja, das ist ein great big kiss.
Warners: Cute man this, great big kiss, piece of bread, Wakko's head.
Otto and the Warners: Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Wakko: [spoken] Here, I've got one! [singing] Ist das nicht ein Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer?
Yakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer.
Wakko: Ist das nicht ein incredibly long name to have to try and say?
Yakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein incredibly long name to have to try and say.
Warners: Cute man this, great big kiss, piece of bread, Wakko's head.
Otto and the Warners: Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Otto: [spoken] Hey, you kids is pretty good!
Yakko: [spoken] We're just gettin' warmed up! [singing] Ist das nicht ein Otto's gut?
Otto, Wakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein Otto's gut.
Yakko: Ist das nicht ein Otto's butt?
Otto, Wakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein Otto's butt.
Otto and the Warners: Otto's gut, Otto's butt. Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Otto: [spoken] Okay, I think we're done now, ja?
Wakko: Wait! Ist das nicht ein pair of pants?
Yakko and Dot: Ja, das ist ein pair of pants.
Wakko: Ist ein underwear from France?
Yakko and Dot: Ja, dat's underwear from France.
Warners: Pair of pants, shorts from France, Otto's gut, Otto's butt. Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
Dot: Ist das nicht ein hairy chest?
Yakko and Wakko: Ja, das ist ein hairy chest.
Dot: Is this man no longer dressed?
Yakko and Wakko: Ja, this man's no longer dressed.
Warners: Hairy chest, he's not dressed, pair of pants, shorts from France, Otto's gut, Otto's butt. Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne schnitzelbank!
[Otto finally has had it with the Warners and kicks them out, literally]
Yakko: [spoken] Boy, some international friendship song.
Pinky: Egad, Brain, Amazin'! I get it! You shrink all the TV’s and everyone will get all squinty-eyed.
Brain: Brilliant, Pinky! Oh, wait, no, what if we want to use a plan that works?
Pinky: Oh, well that’s different then, innit?
Brain: Come, Pinky! We must prepare for tomorrow night!
Pinky: What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain? A slumber party?
Brain: No, Pinky! The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world!

Of Course, You Know This Means Warners/Up a Tree/Wakko's Gizmo [1.57]

edit
Runt: Rita, wake up!
Rita: Are we in Chicago?
Runt: No, this is Nebraska, definitely Nebraska. Or Kansas. Definitely Ohio.
Rita: Ya blew it, Runt.
Runt: Rita, you need help?
Rita: No no, no, I'm happy as a pig come to supper.
Runt: Okay Rita, have fun. I gotta get the fly! [leaves]
Rita: Wait! I...can't...get down...

Oh, Oh, Ethel/Meet John Brain/Smell Ya Later/Spike [1.58]

edit
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yakko, it's time to take the inkblot-test. Now, tell me... [shows an inkblot] ...what does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shows another inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [annoyed, shows him one more inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: [analyzes the inkblot] Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grrr! You are obsessed with GIRLS!
Yakko: Hey, you're the one showing me all the sexy pictures.
Stinkbomb: It's our sworn duty to chase 'em, catch 'em, and shake 'em like rag dolls!
Bumpo: Why?
Stinkbomb: I dunno. It's what we do.

Ragamuffins/Woodstock Slappy [1.59]

edit
Slappy: ["The Who" is playing on Stage] Skippy, what's the name of the Band, playing on Stage?
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the Band.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The Band, playing on Stage.
Skippy: WHO!
Slappy: THE BAND!
Skippy: No Aunt Slappy, "The Band" performs later, "WHO" is on Stage!
Slappy: You tell me.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the Band.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The Band playing on Stage.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: THAT's WHAT I WANNA KNOW!
Slappy: Get some sleep, you need to be well rested for tomorrow.
Skippy: Why, what're we doing tomorrow, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Napping all day if I have anything to say about it.

Karaoke Dokie/The Cranial Crusader/The Chicken Who Loved Me [1.60]

edit
Willie Slackmer: I'm...trying...to fill...their lives...with joy.
Yakko: [imitating Slackmer] Then you...should stop singing...right now.
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Well, I think so, Brain. But I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.
Brain: Pinky, you are a threat to tolerance.

Baloney & Kids/Super Buttons/Katie Ka-Boom: The Driving Lesson [1.61]

edit
Baloney: [holding a paper plate, with a face drawn on it in front of his own face] Guess who. [laughs]
Wakko: Is it Abraham Lincoln?
Baloney: [laughs] No.
Dot: Hmm...could it be Nancy Kerrigan?
Baloney: [laughs] No.
Yakko: Is it a big, fat polyester dinosaur, who's the color of an international house of pancakes, with a paper plate over his face?
Baloney: No. It's me, Baloney!
The Warners: You're kidding!
Yakko: [after Baloney is hit by an anvil] Who's dropping those anvils anyway?
[The camera pans upward to reveal the Prince and Princesses of Props]
Princess of Props 1: Take us with you!
Princess of Props 2: Don't leave us, please!
Prince of Props: Free us from the lumpy thing!
All: Take us with you! [they leap down into The Warner's arms respectively]
Yakko: Neat-o, complete-o, yippee.
[The Warners kiss the Prince and Princess of Props]
Katie's Mom: Listen to your father Katie, he's got years of experience.
Katie: I KNOW how to drive Mom!

Scare Happy Slappy/Witch One/MacBeth [1.62]

edit
Slappy: Ooh, candy corn!
Skippy: Speew!
Slappy: Hey, they’re better than the corns on my feet!
Skippy: Speew and a half!
Runt: Those were nice pilgrims, definitely nice.
Rita: Yeah, well, we’d still be there if you hadn’t chased away their turkeys.
Runt: I forgot. Definitely forgot why I did that.
The Judge: Good Night, witch!
Witch Hazel: Uh, me?
The Judge: No, you old wombat, the shop-keeper.
[Which Hazel walks away whistling]
Shop-Keeper: But Waiter, you know me! I'm no witch!
The Judge: I know you're holding a broomstick! And only witches have broomsticks! Iron Man! CALA! Arrest him!
Rita: [after Runt saves her from the frigid water] Thanks, Runt!
Runt: You’re welcome! What’s I do?

With Three You Get Eggroll/Mermaid Mindy/Katie Ka Boom: Call Waitin' [1.3]

edit

Lookit the Fuzzy Heads/No Face Like Home [1.64]

edit
Dr. Roma: Alright, Miss Squirrel, just relax and watch the monitor, I'm going to show you scenes from Alan Alda movies, you'll be out in no time.
Slappy: Couldn't you just hit me on the head with a hammer?
Dr. Roma: [chuckles] Now, now. You watch Mr. Alda while I go wash up.
Skippy: So you're skipping your plastic surgery, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Eh, I'll keep my wrinkles. I earned every one of em.
Skippy: But what about your comeback?
Slappy: Forget it. If I have to change my appearance, it's not worth doin'. Skippy, I've learned that looks aren't everything. It's the beauty in your heart that's really important.
Skippy: Gee, aunt slappy, you sound like an afterschool special.
Slappy: You're right, I take it all back.

The Warners' 65th Anniversary Special [1.65]

edit
Yakko: These people will clap at anything.
Wakko: [looks up hopefully] Hey everybody! Wanna hear me play 'Yankee Doodle' on my armpit?
[Dead silence]
Yakko: Uhhhh, almost anything.
Tweety: Ooh, Weed was awways scweaming and yewwing at dem. In fact, in da second cawtoon, if you wisten vewy cawefuwwy, you can hear Weed scweaming at Wakko.
[Another cartoon is shown with Wakko putting various ingredients into a bowl and mixing the contents with his hands]
Weed: No, no! Use the spoon! Use the spoon! [Wakko eats the spoon] No, spit out the spoon! Spit out the spoon! [Wakko spits the remains of the spoon and looks at him] Don't look at me! Do something! [Wakko then swallows the bowl full of ingredients] NOOOO!!!! SPIT OUT THE BOWL, SPIT IT OUT!!!!
Bugs Bunny: Plotz was furious about that cartoon. The moment he saw it, he cancelled their contract. Their agent was livid. You could hear them arguing all over the studio.
[Cut to outside The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, circa 1934]
Thaddeus Plotz: [offscreen] That's it! The Warners are through! [as the camera trucks in on The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, Chicken Boo, disguised as Irving "Swifty" LaBoo, is clucking angrily. Cut to Thaddeus Plotz's office. Chicken Boo is clucking angrily] Don't you take that tone with me, LaBoo! [angrily standing on his desk] The Warners are finished! They'll never make another cartoon in this studio as long as I live! What do you think about that?
[Chicken Boo angrily pecks Thaddeus Plotz on the head. Thaddeus Plotz screams angrily. He angrily kicks Chicken Boo out of The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, angrily slamming the doors. Chicken Boo angrily gets up, clucking angrily and walking off angrily as the "Chicken Boo Theme" plays in the background]
[John Wayne is shooting a movie]
John Wayne: You can still surrender, pilgrim.
Lee Marvin: Nope. Draw, Sheriff.
John Wayne: Alright, but I warn ya. [reaches for his gun, but instead of his gun, he pulls out Dot by mistake]
Dot: Bang!
John Wayne: Huh?
Dot: [plants a huge kiss on Wayne's lips] Say you'll never leave me! Say we'll always be together!
[John Wayne screams]
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Animaniacs_(season_1)&oldid=3623821"