Last modified on 14 November 2014, at 16:10

The Critic


This page is for quotes from The Critic televison series on ABC (1994), then on FOX (1995); then again on the internet (2000 – 2001); created by Al Jean and Mike Reiss of The Simpsons.

Season 1 episodes: Pilot – Miserable – Marty's First Date – Dial "M" for Mother – A Little Deb Will Do Ya – Eye on the Prize – Every Doris Has Her Day – Marthon Mensch – L.A. Jay – Dr. Jay – A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera – Uneasy Rider – A Pig-Boy and His Dog
Season 2 episodes: Sherman, Woman and Child – Sherman of Arabia – A Song For Margo – Chunk To Hunk – Lady Hawke – Frankie and Ellie Get Lost – Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice – All The Duke's Men – Dukerella – I Can't Believe It's a Clip Show

Quotes of the recurring characters: Jay ShermanMarty ShermanMargo ShermanEleanor ShermanFranklin ShermanDuke PhilipsDoris GrossmanJeremy HawkeVlada VeramirovichZoltan VeramirovichAlice TompkinsPenny TompkinsShacklefordArdethPrincipal MangosuthuHumphrey the HippoThe DevilExtrasCelebritiesPoliticians

Other quotes: Jay's catch phrasesEndingSongs


Jay ShermanEdit

  • At last, I've found my biological mother, I can finally undo years of psychological scarring! All that's left now is my failed marriage, my blood curdling senior prom, and the trauma of my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.
    • From Every Doris Has Her Day
  • And that's me on the set of Dances With Wolves. They gave me a small part; I played "Throws Like a Girl."
    • From Pilot
  • Now for the part that you love most and I find humiliating, on the Shermometer, this film rates an "absolute zero!" Brrr!
    • From Pilot
  • Well, I can sink a $50 million musical using only the word "Crap"!
    • From Marty's First Date
  • Son, if there's one thing I know, it's how to read a woman. For example, that woman over there thinks I'm disgusting, and that woman thinks I'm Bigfoot! And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops to have me thrown out of the school.
    • From Marty's First Date
  • (Singing to the opera tune Ride of the Valkyries) Give me your french fries! Give me your pot pies! I'll have a large size soft-serve ice cream!
    • From Marty's First Date
  • So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder.
    • From Miserable
  • Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal.
    • From Miserable
  • Alright...I do have a way with women...over 60....
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • My shrink was right. God does hate me!
    • From Pilot
  • This film gets my highest rating: 7 out of 10.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go.
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there.
    • From Uneasy Rider
  • Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)
    • From A Pig Boy and His Dog
  • I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful.
    • From Dr. Jay
  • I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?
    • From A Song for Margo
  • (After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • (A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
    • From Miserable
  • I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week.
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • (Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too.
    • From Lady Hawke
  • (After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!
    • From Marathon Mensch
  • Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?
    • From Marathon Mensch
  • (After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!
    • From Sherman of Arabia
  • (While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a.
    • From L.A. Jay
  • And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!
    • From Dial "M" For Mother

DialogueEdit

Duke: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
Jay: I'm a critic.
Duke: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from good to excellent.
Jay: What if I don't like them?
Duke: That's what good is for.
  • From the Pilot
Jay: Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!
Old Lady: (Thinking he is her cat) Oh, you sound just like the toaster.
  • From Miserable
Jay: Now Son, you may just have noticed there was a beautiful woman in my bed.
Marty: I won't tell anyone.
Jay: Actually, I wish you would tell everyone. Particularly, your mother and her personal trainer, Alberto.
  • From Pilot
Jay: I'm not going to stop loving you after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years.
Eleanor: (Angrily) Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
  • From Pilot
Jay: So, how was prison?
Female Projectionist: Oh, they treated me pretty bad at first, but then they found out I tried to kill a film critic. You know, in Texas it's not even a crime.
Jay: I'm well aware. At the Houston film festival, only half of us got out alive.
  • From Miserable
Jay: Why are you telling me this?
Jeremy: Because you’re the only decent guy I’ve met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.
Jay: Wow. That's twice in one day.
Vlada: I love you too!
Jay: You just love my money.
Vlada: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.
  • From Pilot
Eleanor: Jay, sit on my lap. (Jay sits on her lap and her bones crunch.) Get off my lap!
Jay: But it's so comfortable!
  • From All The Duke's Men
Jay: Ardeth. How’s my favorite ex-wife?
Ardeth: The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.
Jay: (Lays down money beside Ardeth) Fine, here’s two hundred. Get bent!
  • From A Day at the Races and A Night at the Opera
Jay: Doris, I can’t lose this job. It’s all I know how to do.
Doris: Ah, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. Like me. I’m a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.
(Doris inhales from her cigarette and blows out a spiraling ring of smoke that transforms into a demonic-like shape)
Smoke: (Diabolically) Doris … Tick Tock!
Doris: That was supposed to be a bunny.
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child
Alice: (Introducing herself and her daughter to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)
Alice: Penny!
Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
Penny: I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)
Jay: Aww. Rex did that too.
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child
Jay: (Singing to the tune I’m A Little Teapot) I'm a happy critic, short and stout. I'll have a brisket.
Vlada: (Also singing) Sorry, we're out.
(Jay sighs dissapointingly)
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child
(Jay and Marty playing the arcade game "Escape from the Big Apple")
Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island.
Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!
Marty: And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)
Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!
Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah---
(Character turns into a skeleton and dies, "Game Over" screen appears)
  • From Pilot
Jay: Did you ever love a woman so much that --
Taxi Driver: Look at sign!
Sign: Driver Only Speaks Three Words Of English.
  • From Pilot
Jay: Please, you've got to tell me. Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
Valet: I wouldn't know. I've been drinking in the alley all morning.
  • From Pilot
Jay: Hey Rush, race you to the lobby!
Rush Limbaugh: I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff! Mmmmmmmmm, liberal cream puff.
  • From From Chunk to Hunk
Jay: Hey look Mom, you and Hoover came out on the same day.
Eleanor: Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar.
  • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
Jay: All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?
Gary Grossman: It was excrement.
Jay: Did you say "it was excellent?"
Gary Grossman: It was crummy.
Jay: Did you say "it was yummy?"
Gary Grossman: It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.
Jay: Did you say "it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?"
Gary Grossman: It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain.
Jay: Did you say "it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?"
Gary Grossman: You piece of blech.
  • From L.A. Jay
Alice: (Singing) Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay. I may show you why someday. (Kisses Jay on the cheek)
Jay: (Smiling) Yay!
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child
Jay: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
News reporter: Jay, we´re live.
  • From Sherman of Arabia
(Jay and Alice enter Duke's costume ball dressed as Homer and Marge Simpson)
Alice: Jay, where'd you park?
Jay: I left my car with the valet.
Alice: There's no valet!
Jay: D'OH!
  • From Dukerella
Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
Elenor: No, Franklin. That was the roadrunner.
Jay: (Shamefully) No, that was me.
  • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera

Jay's catch phrasesEdit

Seasons 1 and 2Edit

  • (Phone rings) Hello?
  • It stinks!
  • Hotchie Motchie!
  • Achhum!

Season 2 onlyEdit

  • Hiiii guuuuy.
  • Good NIGHT e-very-body!

Marty ShermanEdit

  • This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you.
    • From Marathon Mensch
  • It's okay Dad, money's not important.
    • From Uneasy Rider

Margo ShermanEdit

  • Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him.
    • From Pilot
  • Great, welcome to our crappy family.
    • From Pilot
  • (On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?
    • From Miserable
  • (On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?
    • From L.A. Jay
  • Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • (To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent."
    • From A Song For Margo

Eleanor ShermanEdit

  • (On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday.
    • From Pilot
  • The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker.
    • From Miserable
  • (After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
    • From Dukerella

Franklin ShermanEdit

  • (After transforming into The Mask) Drrrrrrrrrrinkin'!
    • From Dukerella
  • As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I would just like to say America stinks!
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • (Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice.
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • (Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!
    • From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice
  • (Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!
    • From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice
  • Kabong!
    • From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost
  • (Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • (Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!
    • From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost
  • (To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!
    • From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost
  • Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?
    • From Pilot
  • I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!
    • From Sherman of Arabia
  • I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!
    • From Uneasy Rider
  • Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!
    • From A Pig Boy and His Dog
  • Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?
    • From Dial "M" For Mother
  • Happy 1937 everybody!
    • From Dial "M" For Mother
  • If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot.
    • From Miserable
  • (Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!
    • From A Song For Margo
  • I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Pickalini.
    • From A Pig Boy and His Dog
  • (Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?
    • From Pilot
  • I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants.
    • From Dial "M" For Mother
  • Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants.
    • From Dial "M" For Mother
  • Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?
    • From Marathon Mensch
  • (While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen.
    • From Eyes on the Prize

Duke PhillipsEdit

  • Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
  • From Pilot
  • (On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes.
    • From Dial "M" For Mother
  • Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check.
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • (About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?
    • From Every Doris Has Her Day
  • If I want Citizen Kane's last word to be "schwing" then "schwing" it's gonna be! (Falls to the ground and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing"!
    • From Dr. Jay
  • That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • (On the phone with Noah Webster) How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious"? No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe.
    • From Dr. Jay
  • (A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • Make him SQUEAL!
    • From A Pig Boy and His Dog
  • Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!
    • From Every Doris Has Her Day
  • (Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire.
    • From All The Duke's Men

Doris GrossmanEdit

  • (On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • (Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?
    • From Every Doris Has Her Day
  • (Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven.
    • From Marathon Mensch
  • Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.
    • From Uneasy Rider

Jeremy HawkeEdit

  • Jay, bubbeleh, never date an actress, and never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience.
    • From Pilot
  • I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually. Although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum.
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!
    • From Miserable

Dialogues with JeremyEdit

Jeremey: (Barges in with a Bazooka) So you're the nine liberal judges who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure.
Supreme Court Judge: Souter made us do it! (All point to Souter)
Jeremy: You better lock the doors, 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight.
  • From Miserable

Vlada VeramirovichEdit

  • (Seeing Jay and his trucker friends) Vlada takes all deliveries in the rear.
    • From Uneasy Rider
  • Sorry pretty lady. Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years.
    • From Dukerella

Zoltan VeramirovichEdit

  • Hello Mister Sherman. Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • Ow! I made one-one in my tutu!
    • From From Chunk To Hunk

Alice TompkinsEdit

  • Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York.
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • (Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick."
    • From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice
  • Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.
    • From Lady Hawke
  • Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement.
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.
    • From Dukerella

Penny TompkinsEdit

  • Funny man!
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • (To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child
  • (Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately.
    • From Dukerella
  • Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!
    • From Sherman, Woman and Child

ShacklefordEdit

  • Good to see you, Adopted Master Jay.
    • From Pilot
  • I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • (Watching the mansion on fire) Burn, baby, burn.
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya

ArdethEdit

  • I don’t know why I ever married you.
    • From Pilot
  • The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • We raised a great kid.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera

Principal MangosuthuEdit

  • No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • (After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!
    • From From Chunk To Hunk
  • Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!
    • From From Chunk To Hunk
  • I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir.
    • From From Chunk To Hunk

Humphrey the HippoEdit

  • (Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance."
    • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!
    • From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost

The DevilEdit

  • (On the phone) Hello Jay, this is the Devil. Despite what you think, I am not the reason Cher won an Oscar. I am the reason Marisa Tomei won an Oscar.
    • From Dr. Jay
  • (After being exposed by Gene Siskel) You win another round, Siskel, but we shall meet again!
    • From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice
  • (After being asked by his aide if Wings could still be aired for another season) Tell them there are limits to even my powers!
    • From L.A Jay

EndingEdit

  • Jay: Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.


  • Movie Usher: Excuse me sir, the show's over.
  • Jay: Get Away Zitface.

Other ResponsesEdit

  • Jay: But I have nowhere to go.
  • Jay: Is the Snack Bar Still Open?
  • Jay: I'm stuck in the chair!


  • Movie Usher: Excuse me, the show's over.
  • Alice: Get away, pipsqueak!
  • Jay: That's why I love her!

ExtrasEdit

  • Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?
    • From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost
  • Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!
    • From Every Doris Has Her Day
  • Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!
    • From Dukerella
  • Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough."
    • From Marty's First Date
  • Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh.
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!
    • From Lady Hawke
  • Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey.
  • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya
  • Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D.
    • From Miserable
  • Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul.
    • From A Day at the Races and A Night at the Opera


New York Post Editor: Now if you want to work here at the New York Post, you must know that we insert the following words into every headline: headless, nude, sewage, and governor. For instance, Subway Fares Raised becomes Headless Governor Found Nude in Subway Sewage.
Miranda Tompkins: What about the fares?
New York Post Editor: You're fired.
  • From Dukerella

CelebritiesEdit

  • Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window.
    • From Marty's First Date
  • Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts poping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah.
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)
    • From Eyes On The Prize
  • Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?
    • From Eyes on the Prize
  • Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.
    • From Eyes On The Prize
  • Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha.
    • From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
  • Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
    • From Eyes on the Prize


George Costanza: I thought you were taking Cathy out tonight.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why do they call it "taking out?" I took her to a restaurant. It wasn't out, it was in. I would say I'm taking her in, but then she sounds like a pair of pants.
  • From Pilot


Humphrey the Hippo: (On TV) Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! (Madonna appears on screen) Hey, Madonna!
Madonna: Don’t (bleep) with me, hippo.
Humphrey the Hippo: Hey, do you eat with that mouth?
Madonna: Yeah, and I also (bleep) and (bleep) with it.
(Humphrey exclaims a nervous moan toward the camera)
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child


Christian Slater: (In Jack Nicholson's voice) I want the truth!
Jack Nicholson: You can't handle the truth!
Christian Slater: I can handle the truth!
Jack Nicholson: The truth is you talk like me, you act like me. You don't have an original bone in your body.
Christian Slater: That's a freakin' lie!
Judge: Could the stenographer read that last part back?
William Devane: (Also in Nicholson's voice) What am I, a freakin' myna bird?
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child

PoliticiansEdit

  • Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom.
    • From All The Duke's Men
  • Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your president, I will goof off and eat candy.
    • From All The Duke's Men

SongsEdit

Beauty and King Dork
A story told through time
Happening in New York
He's a lemon
She's a lime
Beauty and King Dork
He's Adam to her Eve
She's Mindy to his Mork
Her hair's like silk
He's had a weave
Beauty and King Dork
  • From Pilot


They be Coming Around the Driveway
Humphrey the Hippo:
They be coming around the driveway when they come
Kids:
Yee Haa!
Humphrey the Hippo:
They be coming around the driveway when they come
Kids:
Yee Haa!
  • From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


Heartbreak Hotel
Well, Since my baby left me
I found a new place to dwell
It's down at the end of lonely street
At Heartbreak Hotel
You make me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
I get so lonely I could die
  • From Marathon Mensch


Brown Acres Theme Song
Brown Acres is the place to be
Tent living is the life for me
Sand spreading out so hot and white
The temperature's 105 at night
The cultures!
The vultures!
Fresh figs!
Uh... no pigs!
You are my wives,
Good bye, city lives!
Brown acres, we are there!
  • From Sherman of Arabia


Critic Aid
Somewhere out Iraqi Way
Amid the sand is our friend Jay
He fought off bombs and bayonets
To him we raise our Raisinets
  • From Sherman of Arabia


Benedictine Monk Variety Hour Theme Song
Pretty woman
You are so bodacious
Pretty woman
Just like St. Ignatius
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child


Jay’s counter-love song against Alice’s estranged husband Cyrus
Cyrus is just a virus
He wants to tie you down while you’re still young
Your potential is what’s essential
You could someday be another Connie Chung
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child


We're The Bears Who Sing For Duke
We're the Bears who sing for Duke
Doo Dah! Doo Dah!
Drinking moonshine 'til we puke
Oh a Doo-Dah (Hic!)
  • From Sherman, Woman and Child


Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now
Jay:
I’ll be the biggest thing the world has ever seen
When I team up with Roger or Gene
Judith Crist will be my queen
Nothing’s gonna stop me now!
This critic’s gonna be a superstar
Gonna fly first class
Drive a big car
Jay’s stomach:
Gonna eat a ten ton Mallomar
Both:
Nothing’s gonna stop us now
Jay:
Nothing’s gonna stop me
(An anvil falls on him)
I said nothing’s gonna stop me
(A piano falls on him)
Nothing’s gonna stop me
(A whale falls on him) ... now
Hey Mister Siskel, look at me!
Hey Mister Ebert!
Nothing’s gonna stop me now!
  • From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice


Musical Number From Apocalypse Wow
Marlon Brando:
Howdy doo! I’m Colonel Kurtz
Fat and bald like old Fred Mertz
Watch me do a Hula dance
To shake the egg rolls from my pants
(And he does)
Severed heads on implanted spears:
He’s not so bad
He’s really just an odd man
Marlon Brando:
And I shaved my head like Dennis Rodman
Dennis Hopper:
He’s a god, man!
  • From All The Duke's Men


New York, New York
Jay:
New York, New York!
Olivia:
New York, New York!
Homeless Man:
New York, New York!
Jay and Olivia:
New York, New York, a terrible town
The sky is brown and the water is brown
The cabs won't stop, they don't even slow down
Jay:
New York, New York
It's a terrible town!
  • From Lady Hawke

External linksEdit

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: