The Sopranos: Season 5

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The Sopranos (1999 – 2007) is an American television series, airing on HBO, about a fictional Italian-American Mafia family in Northern New Jersey that is led by mob boss Tony Soprano.

Season 5

Two Tony's

Paulie Walnuts: Always playin' that blood relation card! Tony's little favorite!

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you!!!

Paulie Walnuts: I'll tell ya, after a meal like that, what I can use is a nice piece of ass. Who knows, maybe I'll call down, have them send one up to the room.

Christopher Moltisanti: Why don't you just fuck yourself, save a little money.

Paulie Walnuts: What's your problem?

Christopher Moltisanti: Stop tryin' to bait me, Paulie. You know what my fuckin' problem is.

Paulie Walnuts: No, why don't you tell me!

Christopher Moltisanti: You want me to tell you? Fine! Steaks! Three pound lobsters! The shrimp fuckin' cocktails you made everybody get, then on top of everything else, you send those skanks a bottle of Cristal?

Paulie Walnuts: I was bein' a gentlemen, Chrissy, you oughta try it sometime.

Christopher Moltisanti: Not to mention the lyonnaise fucking potatoes you didn't even touch.

Paulie Walnuts: What? I lost my appetite!

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you!

Paulie Walnuts: Excuse me?

Christopher Moltisanti: You fuckin' heard me!

Paulie Walnuts: I'm tellin' you, Chrissy, I don't give a fuck anymore who you're related to!

Christopher Moltisanti: Go ahead, Paulie! Go for it! Your big fuckin' moment!

Paulie Walnuts: You little fuck!!

Tony Soprano: As long as you don't step on anybody's toes...

Michele "Feech" La Manna: Me? I'm Fred Astaire.

Paulie Walnuts: So we open the fuckin' trunk. This suffocatin' Russian cocksucka pops up. He's still alive! (They all laugh)

Christopher Moltisanti: We lead 'im through the snow. This asshole's shiverin', I mean he's wearin' fuckin' pajamas and slippers in like eight degree weather.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, what's wrong with me?

Tony Soprano: I dunno...but we'll find out. Leave it ta Dr. Tony.

Rat Pack

Jack Massarone: So they go through labor, big deal. Try a prostate exam.

Tony Soprano: I tell you, I'm havin' a time. Stay out late. Come home drunk. Fuck anyone I want.

Silvio Dante: Yeah, so whats the difference? (Compared to when Tony was married)

Tony Soprano: I dunno, it's the mindset.

Tony Blundetto: (to Paulie Walnuts, about his hair) You got ta let that dry before you put on a second coat? Fuckin' Grandpa Munster over here.

Silvio Dante: (laughing) Ohhh...

Tony Blundetto: (to Vito Spatafore, about cards) You gonna deal those? They're not candy bars. You can let some of 'em go. (everybody laughs)

Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, I'm gone for one hour, all of a sudden it turns into a fuckin' slumber party.

Tony Blundetto: Somebody woke up on the wrong side o' the bed.

Tony Soprano: I'm tellin' ya, I'm havin' a fuckin' time. Stay out late, come home drunk, fuck anyone I want.

Silvio Dante: Yeah, so what's the difference?

Where's Johnny?

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your cock, I'll suck all your cocks!!!! (frantic and afraid)

Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our cocks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

Phil Leotardo: Next time, there won't be a next time.

Paulie Walnuts: Oh, what do you know about who belongs to what? You been away twenty fuckin' years!

Michele "Feech" La Manna: Which entitles me to earn!

Paulie Walnuts: Which entitles you to shit. In my book, you get points for stayin' out of the can!

Michele "Feech" La Manna: Good thing for me then, that your book means oogatz to me! Now do yourself a fuckin' favor, and get the fuck out of my store!

Angelo Garepe: He's grabbin' with both hands, John. This could get ugly. There's a lotta potential for bloodshed.

Jason Evanina: Potential? They almost killed us!

Lorraine Calluzzo: Jason, men are talkin' here.

Tony Soprano: Free spirit Janice! Rebel without a cause! While I sit here mired in her bullshit, tryin' to be a good son, while you're off droppin' acid and blowin' roadies!

Bobby Baccilieri: ROADIES?!!?

Tony Soprano: Oh, you don't wanna know!

Uncle Junior: [to AJ at dinner] Your father never had the makings of a varsity athlete.

Tony Soprano: Oh, what the... What the hell's with you?

Uncle Junior: What?

Tony Soprano: It's not true. I lettered in football.

Uncle Junior: You never played college ball.

Tony Soprano: College? Those guys from Seton Hall were seven feet tall some of them. Took an academic leave anyway.

Uncle Junior: Small hands, that was your problem.

Janice Soprano: [laughing] Oh yeah, Daddy always said that.

Tony Soprano: That's not the point. What is it with you and this obsession with this varsity crap? The other day you said it. When I was a kid you told the girl cousins the same thing, it was very hurtful.

Janice Soprano: Tony, relax, it's not a big deal.

Tony Soprano: It's undermining! And it's the kinda stuff I'm teaching my kids not to do - so I don't wanna hear it again! End of subject!

Tom Giglione: So coming down I heard on the radio, looks like the Jets are gonna grab that kid from Tulsa, that tight end.

Barbara Giglione: We still get those season tickets, big brother?

Uncle Junior: All I know is he never had the makings of a varsity athlete.

Tony Soprano: AW, SON OF A BITCH!

Barbara Giglione: What?

Tony Soprano: DID I JUST TELL YOU NOT TO SAY THAT AGAIN?!

Barbara Giglione: Say what?!

Uncle Junior: You don't like the way I talk, get outta my house!

Barbara Giglione: Ugh, here we go...

Janice Soprano: Tony...

Tony Soprano: No, "Tony" shit! [to AJ] Get your coat, we're leaving.

Anthony Junior: I don't have a coat.

Tony Soprano: Well then get moving, Goddamn it!

Barbara Giglione: Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Tony Soprano: It's my last Sunday dinner here, that's what's going on.

[Tony and AJ leave, slamming the door behind them]

Janice Soprano: Uncle Jun, was that really necessary?

Uncle Junior: He's a goddamn hothouse flower, that's his problem.

Tony Soprano: Look, the doctor said you might not have known what you were saying.

Uncle Junior: What are you talking about?

Tony Soprano: The varsity shit.

[Junior sighs, and doesn't respond]

Tony Soprano: So what else did Feech have to say?

Uncle Junior: Getting a new top on his convertible.

Tony Soprano: All right, let's assume that you didn't know what you were saying... and that you forget that you say shit over and over.

Uncle Junior: Yeah?

Tony Soprano: Why's it gotta be something mean? Why can't you repeat something good?

Uncle Junior: [turning his attention back to the television] There's the coyote.

[...]

Tony Soprano: I mean, don't you love me?

[Junior doesn't answer, and they both quietly tear up]

All Happy Families

Michele Feech La Manna: (about Tony) Jesus fuckin' Christ, how many times this guy gotta say hello!!

Tony Soprano: What, did I interrupt one of your impermeable stories? Go ahead..

Michele Feech La Manna: So, we had these girls in a hotel room, long story short, I got my shoe in her snatch-

Tony Soprano: And it falls off and she keels over, Che puzz'. (holds his nose)

Tony Soprano: (to Anthony Junior) Look at your face! If you got some kind of sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever, now is the time to tell us! I mean, what went on up there! Poppers and weird sex!!

Officer: That your garage?

Michele Feech La Manna: Nah, it's where I make the weapons of mass destruction.

Officer: Let's go out and open it up.

Michele Feech La Manna: You wanna see my fuckin' garage?! You never seen an oil stain before?

Michele Feech La Manna: It's important these young guys know the history.

Silvio Dante: Tell 'em 'bout the time...uh...Tony and Jackie Aprile knocked over your card game. (Feech La Manna sighs) Oh, that he doesn't like ta talk about.

Tony Soprano: (to Tony Blundetto, about playing cards) Isn't there somethin' in your parole about hangin' out with degenerates like this?

Michele Feech La Manna: Hey, come on, he gets away with anything. Last time his parole officer made the unannounced visit, he gave him a massage.

Irregular Around the Margins

Tony Soprano: Nah, I always think.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?

Tony Soprano: Yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Having sex with your mistress' cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough ta piss off your wife.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: For example, you could tell her she means a great deal to you, but you think of her as a daughter.

Tony Soprano: Even if I wanna fuck her brains out...?

Adriana La Cerva: What, so you're just not gonna talk? I almost got killed, Christopher.

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm just curious. What the fuck were you doin' in the middle o' the night in the middle o' nowhere in a car with my uncle?

Adriana La Cerva: He was drivin' me home.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' Dover?

Adriana La Cerva: We were talkin'. We...we...we were goin' ta get something ta eat. I get off o' work, I don't want ta go right home. You weren't even there.

Christopher Moltisanti: No, I was in a fuckin' Ride-A-Rent bustin' my ass with a bunch o' rednecks makin' a livin' ta buy you alcohol, and coke, and all the other shit you shovel into your mouth. Two o'clock in the fuckin' mornin'?! Don't fuckin' lie ta me, I can't stand it!

Adriana La Cerva: Nothin' was goin' on, Christopher.

Christopher Moltisanti: I should've made ya walk home.

Adriana La Cerva: I swear ta God.

Christopher Moltisanti: You know how this looks? Don't talk ta me, shut your mouth!

Silvio Dante: (A series of phone conversations) Adriana got caught givin' the big guy a blowjob.

Bobby Baccilieri: And when the paramedics found them, she had his cock still in her mouth.

Hesh Rabkin: Now, statistics show that most single-car fatalities are the result of guys poppin' their load behind the wheel.

Uncle Junior: Apparently, he came all over the sun visor.

Adriana La Cerva: Hey, hun. I already ate. There's a casserole in- (Christopher chokes Adriana)

Christopher Moltisanti: (yelling) You fuckin' lyin' bitch!

Adriana La Cerva: Ow! Stop it! What're you doin'?

Christopher Moltisanti: You were suckin' his cock! Georgie told me everythin'. The surgeon on the operatin' table said you were moanin' Tony's name!

Adriana La Cerva: What are you talkin' about?

Christopher Moltisanti: You fucking lied ta me! What were you doin' in Dover then? See, see, you can't tell me...'cause I know what you were doin'! Your other dope dealer's there. Go ahead, deny it!

Adriana La Cerva: Okay, I was goin' out ta see Andre, but I wasn't suckin' anybody's cock! How could you say that?

Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, so you two were just gonna go toot up a bunch o' lines, go fuckin' birdwatchin'?

Adriana La Cerva: Oh, you son of a bitch. I was gonna stay up all night and clean this fucking shithole!

Christopher Moltisanti: Everybody knows about it. Everybody's talkin' about it!

Adriana La Cerva: No, please. (Christopher flips a table)

Christopher Moltisanti: You want me ta use you bitch! You're fuckin' killin' me!

Adriana La Cerva: No, I don't. I love you. (Christopher smacks Adriana hard and keeps slapping her on the ground) Stop it. You motherfucker.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' whore.

Adriana La Cerva: Ow, my neck. (Christopher drags Adriana by the hair and throws her out of the house)

Christopher Moltisanti: Get the fuck outta here! I never wanna see you again! (Chris slams the door shut)

Sentimental Education

Carmela Soprano: There are other things to think about. My husband, for one.

Robert Wegler: Well your husband's goin' to have to get used to the fact that your life is movin' on.

Carmela Soprano: I'm not worried about my life.

Tony Soprano: What'd that fag want?

Carmela Soprano: Jesus Christ, Tony, everybody's a fag to you. You know, maybe you're a fag, you ever think about that?

Tony Soprano: Can I help it if I know one when I see one?

Carmela Soprano: Oh really? What are the signs? Education...culture?

Tony Soprano: Suckin' a guy's cock usually tips me off.

Carmela Soprano: How do you know who sucks whose cock? What, you got a little secret?

Anthony Junior: Well maybe I don't wanna live in a place where people use violence against children.

Tony Soprano: Violence? You're lucky I didn't put my shoe up your ass.

Anthony Junior: You see? Now that's abuse. I know what my rights are. I can call social services and they'll send a case worker.

Tony Soprano: Go ahead. He'll get the other shoe!

Paulie Walnuts: Why do pissin, shittin', and fuckin' all happen within' a two-inch radius?

Christopher Moltisanti: Everybody asks that, Paulie. There's no answer for it.

Vito Spatafore: They're all sources of pleasure though.

Paulie Walnuts: Get the fuck outta here!

Paulie Walnuts: So, how many guys you gotta jerk off on a massage table ta make that?

Tony Blundetto: I don't know. What do ya charge without the table.

In Camelot

Uncle Junior: Five hours they let me out for these funerals. I gotta spend it bein' maudlin?

J.T. Dolan: Hi, my name is J.T., I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I'm also a TV writer, which by default makes me a douchebag.

Tony Soprano: (about the absence of his childhood dog) Father told me he took him to live on a farm.

Bobby Baccilieri: That's what they always say. That same farm must have seventeen billion dogs on it. Dogshit up ta the rafters.

Johnny Sack: Tony gets one fifty. Twenty five percent comes from you, the other seventy five percent o' that comes from Hesh.

Phil Leotardo: Jesus Christ...that's like forty grand. You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me, John.

Johnny Sack: Am I smilin'?

Phil Leotardo: You got some balls kid, I'll give you that much!

Tony Soprano: You'll give me what I tell you to give me!

Johnny Sack: Whoah Tony...

Silvio Dante: Take it easy...take it easy...

Tony Soprano: Fuck that! This ain't the seventies. And I'm not a kid.

Phil Leotardo: Relax, it's an expression.

Tony Soprano: Well, here's another expression. You got five days ta give me my money.

J.T. Dolan: What is this, fuckin' "Pulp Fiction"? Am I supposed ta be afraid?

Little Paulie Germani: I don't know, I didn't see it.

J.T. Dolan: You're really bein' a prick, huh. I told you, I need more time.

Christopher Moltisanti: Then fuckin' get it.

J.T. Dolan: Chris, you know me. What could you possibly do ta me that I haven't already been through?

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm positive we'll think o' somethin'. (Chris punches J.T. in the face, hard, sending him to the ground)

J.T. Dolan: Ow! My God... (Little Paulie Germani keeps kicking J.T. on the ground and Chris breaks a glass framed portrait on J.T.'s head) Ow! Oh! Oh...auh...

Marco Polo

Bobby Baccalieri: Brought you some danishes and coffee.

Uncle Junior: Fuckin' medication. I can't think, can't stay awake.

Bobby Baccalieri: It don't have that side-effect. But it'll help your outlook if you take it consistently like you're supposed to. What's on?

Uncle Junior: They said in the guide it's an Italian movie, but even with the captions I can't tell what's what. They had Jesus hanging off a helicopter, but you could tell it was a dummy.

Bobby Baccalieri: You know who I saw at the bakery?

Uncle Junior: How the fuck could I know?

Bobby Baccalieri: Rosalie Aprile. She said they're having a surprise party for Carmela's father next week. He's gonna be seventy-five. You get an invite?

Uncle Junior: No but we go back to when Moses wore short pants. I better call Hugh. Tell him not to expect me.

Bobby Baccalieri: It's a surprise party, June.

Uncle Junior: What are we, children? Anyway, at our age it's enough surprise we're still alive every morning.

Hugh DeAngelis: (on phone) Hello?

Uncle Junior: (on phone) Hugo,

Hugh DeAngelis: Who is this?

Uncle Junior: Corrado Soprano.

Hugh DeAngelis: Ohhh...Corrado, how are ya?

Uncle Junior: How am I? I'm a prisoner in my own home is how I am. What do we live for?

Hugh DeAngelis: Yeah.

Uncle Junior: Anyhow, I wanna wish you a bona fortuna and also send you my regrets. I'd love to be at your jubilee.

Bobby Baccilieri: Junior...

Hugh DeAngelis: Jubilee?!

Uncle Junior: The federal government says I can't leave the house and my family keeps me sedated. Bobby told me it was a surprise party, but I told him, I go "At our age, it's enough surprise everyday when we get up in the morning. Right?"

Hugh DeAngelis: Uhh..I suppose so.

Uncle Junior: So happy birthday my friend and many more. Arrividerci.

Carmela Soprano: Did somebody tell you something?

Hugh DeAngelis: I know all about it. You can save the cloak and dagger.

Mary DeAngelis: AJ?!

Anthony Junior: Huh? What?!

Hugh DeAngelis: Junior Soprano told me all about it.

Carmela Soprano: That miserable fuckin' man.

Mary DeAngelis: Ohhh...

Carmela Soprano: You don't know the half!

Hugh DeAngelis: Relax! I'm fine with knowin'. In my age, it's surprise enough to be able to get out of bed every mornin'.

Hugh DeAngelis: Who else is comin'?

Mary DeAngelis: Freddy Di Novi.

Hugh DeAngelis: Tony'll love him. Who else?

Carmela Soprano: Dad, Tony isn't coming to the party.

Hugh DeAngelis: Why won't he come?

Carmela Soprano: Well, I felt that since we're separated, we should get used to the idea of livin' separate lives.

Hugh DeAngelis: Oh, that's a crock of shit!

Mary DeAngelis: You don't talk to her like that. This is very difficult.

Hugh DeAngelis: I've known the man for twenty-somethin' years. It's his house, how's it gonna look?!! (angrily)

Carmela Soprano: I talked to Tony about it. He's in agreement with me.

Hugh DeAngelis: Because you put the screws to him!!

Carmela Soprano: Fine, I'll cancel the party!

Hugh DeAngelis: Go right the hell ahead! Because I'm not comin' if the man of the house isn't there!!

Phil Leotardo: Somethin's off with the seat!

Edward Bonpensiero: What is it Phil?!

Phil Leotardo: Feel's off kilter! Try it, Joey!

Joe Peeps: You're right! It's off its axis.

Phil Leotardo: It reclines strange too.

Phil Leotardo: I don't feel like I'm sittin' at twelve o' clock.

Angie Bonpensiero: You're sittin' at twelve o' clock.

Tony Blundetto: May I?

Phil Leotardo: I don't give a fuck. You can sit in there until fucking saginata. It'll still need to be dealt with. This car went through a major collision.

Tony Blundetto: Seems okay.

Phil Leotardo: How can it be okay if its askew? What's a matter Joey, you got a fuckin' eye problem! You look like Stevie Wonder, your eyes rollin' around!

Joe Peeps: Huh, what I say? I didn't say nuthin'...

Tony Soprano: 'Fritto misto baccala, couple of meatballs too...

Hugh DeAngelis: Hey, there he is!

Tony Soprano: Hey! Happy Birthday to you, got salsiccia for you!

Unidentified Black Males

Silvio Dante: His brains are splattered all over the seat.

Paulie Walnuts: Joey Peeps? Couldn't have been too much to clean up.

Tony Blundetto: What's up?

Tony Soprano: Turns out somebody got a look at the guy that did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is he's got a bad limp.

Tony Blundetto: Huh...Long John Silver maybe?

Tony Soprano: Where the fuck do you get the balls? I am bendin' over backwards tryin' to stay neutral, payin' for fuckin' car seats and you're out there acting like a fuckin' free agent. Don't look at me like I'm a fuckin' jerkoff, 'cuz I'm sick of you leanin' on this cousin thing and that bad hijack like you can do whatever the fuck it is you wanna do 'cuz you went away that night and I didn't!

Tony Blundetto: You're the one who keeps bringin' that up, I'm fine with it. First of all for the record, I had nothin' to do with this.

Tony Soprano: Don't fuckin' lie to me!!

Tony Blundetto: Even if I was, would you really wanna know, that'd just be another problem for you with Johnny right?

Tony Soprano: Aight, look, I know you're not earnin' what you expected and you got the twins and Nancy...you're a capable guy. Your mother let it slip one time, you got an IQ of 158.

Tony Blundetto: She told you that?

Tony Soprano: It's the week you got tested, all the fuckin' nuns were ravin' about it.

Tony Blundetto: Lotta good it did me.

Tony Soprano: I had high hopes when you got out!

Tony Blundetto: Yeah...

Tony Soprano: Look a guy like you, brains, balls, if you'd fuckin' be straight with me I could use all that.

Tony Blundetto: Put me in, coach.

Tony Soprano: Aight, we got the casino on Bloomfield Avenue above the hardware store. Carlo's guy was runnin' it but he just got diagnosed with the Hodgkins.

Tony Blundetto: That's mine?

Tony Soprano: Yeah. Lotta fuckin' money there. And I'll see what I can do about gettin' you straightened out...openin' up the books for you, it's long overdue.

Vito Spatafore: (After Finn has seen Vito performing oral sex on a male security guard in the morning) Badan. Sound like a racehorse pissin' in there.

Finn DeTrolio: Hey, how's it goin'?

Vito Spatafore: You know, I never asked you what your last name is.

Finn DeTrolio: It's DeTrolio.

Vito Spatafore: Finn DeTrolio, my arch nemesis. Enjoyin' yourself here?

Finn DeTrolio: It's alright.

Vito Spatafore: I keep tellin' you, you shouldn't work so hard. Long hours. This fuckin' heat. Plus you came in so early today.

Finn DeTrolio: I just do what the job is.

Vito Spatafore: Good. You're strong. That helps. You know you can call me Vito.

Finn DeTrolio: Yeah...I..I know.

Vito Spatafore: So say it. Lemme hear you say, "what's up, Vito?"

Finn DeTrolio: What's up, Vito?

Vito Spatafore: Not much, Finn. 'Cept I got a little surprise for ya. Two tickets to see your Padres take a beatin' from the Yanks tonight.

Finn DeTrolio: Whoah...shit...

Vito Spatafore: Third base line, plus it's bat night.

Finn DeTrolio: That's really nice, Vito, but I..I don't know if I can-

Vito Spatafore: Don't pull that aw-shucks shit with me! You're fuckin' goin'! I'll see you under the bat tonight, seven sharp. And I don't like to miss the National Anthem.

Meadow Soprano: So you're just not gonna show up?! You love baseball, what is wrong with you!!!?

Finn DeTrolio: I don't like the guy, alright?

Meadow Soprano: Right, I get it. Dr. DeTrolio can't hang with the common folk.

Finn DeTrolio: He came onto me alright! Either that, or he wants to kill me.

Meadow Soprano: What?!

Finn DeTrolio: I saw him blowing some security guard in the parkin' lot.

Meadow Soprano: When? What are you talking about!?

Finn DeTrolio: This mornin' I showed up early, I didn't wanna say anythin' but I'm really afraid of this guy.

Meadow Soprano: Vito Spatafore is a married man Finn, I seriously doubt he wants to kill you.

Finn DeTrolio: Well maybe he wants to fuck me and then kill me!

Meadow Soprano: Wait a minute, is that why you got out the suitcase.

Finn DeTrolio: I am not going back to the site.

Meadow Soprano: Do you have any idea the strings my father pulled to get you that job and you just fuckin' quit! I'm gonna hear so much bullshit!!

Finn DeTrolio: So its all about you right?!

Meadow Soprano: Is that all you can say whenever its anythin' to do with my feelin's? So you're going back to Mission Viejo?

Finn DeTrolio: I didn't say that!

Meadow Soprano: Why don't you just admit it!? This whole thing. The fight, this stuff with Vito, it's really about you not wanting to commit!

Finn DeTrolio: I'm right here, we fucking live together.

Meadow Soprano: But you got out a suitcase!!

Finn DeTrolio: It's my process! Okay? Look you never can tell!!

Meadow Soprano: Your process?!!

Finn DeTrolio: About anything, the future, I was thinking out loud. Well not out loud, but in the action of getting out the suitcase I was thinking.

Meadow Soprano: Thinking of leaving!

Finn DeTrolio: No...well yes...but I'm still here...I didn't go.

Meadow Soprano: Fuck you!!

Finn DeTrolio: Right...great...fuck me..there was no abundant intentionality in me getting out the suitcase.

Meadow Soprano: I can leave too you know, my friend Hunter's in Montreal!!!

Finn DeTrolio: Do I know!!! With the French roommate guy who was all over your ass the time that we visited, you don't think you keep mentioning him every 24 hours in a minimum.

Meadow Soprano: Because he's thinking of becoming an oral surgeon and you might have had a new friend if you hadn't been so obnoxious to him at the club.

Finn DeTrolio: Can we just stop fighting?

Meadow Soprano: You got out a suitcase!!!!

Finn DeTrolio: I'll put it back okay?

Meadow Soprano: So it's not about us, but suddenly you're talking about options.

Finn DeTrolio: Don't paraphrase what I said. I said, this point in our lives is a transition period forced on us by external events, school is over for me and next year for you. These are difficult choices, what you'd rather not have choices...thank god for choices!!

Meadow Soprano: Uh! Stop your bullshit! It's really simple! Are we going to stay together or not!!!?

Finn DeTrolio: If you want.

Meadow Soprano: That's not what I asked!

Finn DeTrolio: I said I did.

Meadow Soprano: And then you said, how are we going to keep it together through four years of dental school for you and probably med school for me!

Finn DeTrolio: Well, its a good question.

Meadow Soprano: But why ask it now, tonight of all times?!! Are you asleep?!!

Finn DeTrolio: No!

Meadow Soprano: You were. And now you're gonna lie like you did about the suitcase!

Finn DeTrolio: I did not lie about the suitcase!!

Meadow Soprano: Then what do you call it!?

Finn DeTrolio: I don't know, I explained it. Jesus, you should quit the law center, you're like a prosecutor at 4 in the morning. I can't think!!

Meadow Soprano: How can you sleep when we're in the middle of this!!!

Finn DeTrolio: In the middle of what?!! All I said was I didn't wanna go back to the job site and maybe I should go home until this thing with Vito blows over.

Meadow Soprano: But you didn't ask me to come. You went right to the closet and got out your suitcase!

Finn DeTrolio: Jesus Christ!!!!!!

Tony Soprano: Peeps?! It's a fuckin' nickname! His family name is Pepperelli!

Silvio Dante: They're gonna redo it. Fuckin' Jason. He's dyslexic...

Tony Soprano: What's that got to do with it?

Tony Soprano: So, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Carmela Soprano: I don't know if you're gonna see it that way. I have asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce.

Artie Bucco: I hope you brought your appetite...

Tony Soprano: Why don't you give us a minute. (Artie leaves the table) Well that's nice. Invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? You think I won't make a scene?

Carmela Soprano: Spare me your outrage, Tony. Accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life.

Tony Soprano: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?

Carmela Soprano: I think you and I both know that didn't change anything.

Tony Soprano: Well first of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce. We believe in the nuclear family.

Carmela Soprano: Are you listening to yourself? Despite your best efforts, I have an attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of A.J. an also an equitable distribution of our assets.

Tony Soprano: Our assets?

Carmela Soprano: I am through trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum I need to live.

Tony Soprano: Oh so it's fuckin' money? That's all this is to you?

Carmela Soprano: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to anything beyond that bullshit tax return?

(Artie comes back to the table)

Tony Soprano: Go stand over there, I'll call you when I'm ready.(Artie leaves again) You want money? How 'bout my forty grand you stole out of the bird feeder, that should be plenty, you're such an investment genius.

Carmela Soprano: You want this to get ugly Tony, because these guys live for that.

Tony Soprano: What, you think I don't? (gets up to leave, then comes back) The only reason you have anything is 'cause of my fuckin' sweat, and you knew every step of the way exactly how it works. But you walk around that fuckin' mansion and your five-hundred dollar shoes and your diamond rings, and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. And you don't want it to get ugly. Too late.

Carmela Soprano: I want what I am entitled to.

Tony Soprano: You're entitled to shit. (to Artie): She's ready to order.

Cold Cuts

Janice Soprano: That bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.

Tony Soprano: Well we all know that.

Tony Blundetto: They used to call me Ichabod Crane.

Christopher Moltisanti: Who?

Tony Blundetto: Some very sorry people, that's who.

Dr. Seepman: Janice, you're angry. What are your actual physical feelings right now?

Janice Soprano: I'd like to punch you in the face?

Tony Soprano: Carlo was told it was a go. If it didn't happen, how come nobody called?

Johnny Sack: A lotta things didn't happen that seem like they happen...your cousin didn't whack Joey, the Vespas never got into my hands.

Janice Soprano: That bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.

Tony Soprano: Well, we know that.

Bobby Baccilieri: What?

Tony Soprano: You and your fuckin' temper Janice.

The Test Dream

Tony Soprano: You know douchebag, I realize I'm dreamin'.

Mikey Palmice: I got no opinion, one way or the other.

Tony Soprano: You know what I been thinkin' about lately? Charmaine Bucco.

Tony Blundetto: Nice set on her.

Tony Soprano: No, not like that. Well, maybe like that.

Tony Soprano: Where are we goin'?

Ralph Cifaretto: Drivin' you ta the job.

Vin Makazian: (taking a piss) Oh, that feels good.

Tony Soprano: You don't do this no more, huh?

Vin Makazian: No.

Coach Molinaro: I suppose you blame it on your father when you're cryin' ta that shrink of yours.

Tony Soprano: No, more my mother.

Coach Molinaro: Of course, even better.

Long Term Parking

Tony Soprano: Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam.

Carmela Soprano: Well I didn't marry a cartoon character.

Tony Soprano: First off, let me just say how sorry I am for you're loss. We all are.

Phil Leotardo: Take your fuckin' sorrys, and stick in your ass.

Tony Soprano: I could say nothing. Be a heartless prick.

Phil Leotardo: He tried to talk, he couldn't even say his last words. Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?

Tony Soprano: No.

Phil Leotardo: Well give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.

Silvio Dante: Whoa whoa whoa...

Tony Soprano: Alright, that's enough.

Tony Soprano: Was that fuckin' necessary? He shouldn't even've been here.

Johnny Sack: He's got a right to be here. He's got a right to a lot of things right now.

Tony Soprano: My cousin acted alone, I did not sanction this.

Johnny Sack: The 'lone gunman theory'...

Tony Soprano: You know how close he and Angelo were in the can. He flipped the fuck out!

Johnny Sack: When he whacked Joey Peeps, what flipped him out that time?

Tony Soprano: W-whaddaya want John, whaddaya want me to say?

Johnny Sack: I want your cousin on a fucking spit!

Tony Soprano: I don't know where he is.

Silvio Dante: Nobody does.

Johnny Sack: Fine. Maybe one of your other relatives then...

Christopher Moltisanti: What, I gotta stand here being threatened now?

Silvio Dante: Right, Chrissy-

Tony Soprano: Alright alright alright, nobody's making threats! Look, Tony's in hiding, John.

Johnny Sack: You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have never fucking seen. We're done here.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done!! You hear me? Put my life on the line, my fuckin' life.

Adriana La Cerva: Baby I hate seein' you like this!

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck family! Fuck loyalty. It costs 'em a dime, you're a fuckin' pariah! I gave that fuck pieces of my soul, Adriana. You know what he said to me? He said I should have a fuckin' drink!

Adriana La Cerva: When?

Christopher Moltisanti: Up there when we were up in Uncle Pat's farm!

Adriana La Cerva: Well you don't need to listen to him. Isn't that why you have a sponsor?

Christopher Moltisanti: Him and Tony B. Breakin' my balls! Teasin' me like when I was little. I mean, what kind of fucked up, underminin' shit is that to tell someone who's got the disease. You know I could take him out in a second that fat fuck! BANG! His kids wouldn't even give a shit!

Adriana La Cerva: Don't talk like that! You're a better man than he is - a better person.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck all this shit with Paulie and all, you know what hurts me worse, right to my heart. Him and our asswipe cousin, that two-faced cocksucker. He can get us all killed with New York, and him Tony has to think about what to do with him now, after all this shit. Me, he don't need to fuckin' think! Well, maybe I need to think! Ever thought of that, you fat fuckin' scumbag!!!

Christopher Moltisanti: That's the guy Adriana. My uncle Tony. The guy I'm goin' to hell for.

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Billy Leotardo. What the hell was that?

Eddie Pietro: This Blundetto asshole went off the reservation.

All Due Respect

Phil Leotardo: Ho! 'Scuse me. How ya doin'? You're Joanne right?

Joanne Moltisanti: Who are you?

Phil Leotardo: Well, we're friends o' your son's.

Joanne Moltisanti: My son doesn't live with me.

Phil Leotardo: We're uh...from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Joanne Moltisanti: What's your name?

Phil Leotardo: Well, we're anonymous. I see his car's out front.

Joanne Moltisanti: He went ta California or Vegas, I don't know.

Phil Leotardo: California or Vegas. When did he leave?

Joanne Moltisanti: I'm sorry I have to go to work.

Phil Leotardo: Where the fuck is he?

Jason Masucci: Phil uh...Phil...

Joanne Moltisanti: Leave me alone. (Phil grabs Joanne)

Phil Leotardo: I had a brother your son's age.

Joanne Moltisanti: Please let go o' my hand.

Phil Leotardo: Where the fuck is he you fuckin' cunt? I'll take that Discman and I'll ram it up your box.

Jason Masucci: Philly, Philly...please...please. It's the guy's mother Phil. It's the guy's mother. (Joanne runs off)

Silvio Dante: I've been your consigliere for a lot of years-

Tony Soprano: Don't go through a fuckin' preamble, just tell me what's on your mind!

Tony Soprano: My cousin Anthony...went into business for himself. We all know this. In a way for which there is no excuse. He's got a problem with rage. He disappointed me, Anthony, in ways that I can't even begin ta tell you. And he put us all at risk. Irregardless, it's been made clear ta me that if they put their hands on him, he will not be dealt with quick. We're talkin' torture. For that reason, even if I knew where my cousin was, and I do not, I would not deliver him up ta them. I am offerin' him the same protection that I would offer any of you in similar circumstances. Now I know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say "Hey, Ton', I would never do what he did." God bless, I hope not. But we are a family, and even in this fucked up day and age that means somethin'. So we're gonna deal with this as a family, together. No matter how it affects anybody...personal safety-wise, financially-wise, whatever. I see that my nephew isn't here and, uh, it's important he lam it now. It's my desire that you circle the wagons, you support him. Until and as such.

Benny Fazio: Fuckin' somethin', this situation, eh?

Silvio Dante: Right.

Christopher Moltisanti: I can't even get down ta Milt's, fence some jewelry.

Benny Fazio: Everybody with eyes in the back o' their head. Shit, I was Tony's driver.

Christopher Moltisanti: It's amazing. You want me ta be honest? The favoritism Tony still shows for our fuckin' cousin after what he's done? What does Tony B. have on this guy? And I'm supposed ta maybe take a bullet for this skeeve.

Silvio Dante: After all your uncle's done for you? I need ta get into specifics?

Eugene Pontecorvo: (next to Benny Fazio's battered body in the hospital) This is fucked up.

Vito Spatafore: What do ya wanna do about it?

Eugene Pontecorvo: What do I wanna do about it? I want that man there ta do somethin' about it. (referring to Tony) I want 'im ta give us the okay ta drive over ta Brooklyn, clean some fuckin' timepieces over there.

Vito Spatafore: Tony Blundetto whacked the brother of a captain. Tony tried ta strike at them again, we should take him out.