Noah Tannenbaum: Oh, my dad is Jewish and my mother's family is African American.
Tony Soprano: Tanenbaum. Right. But on your application to Columbia, you didn't check Jewish did you?
Noah Tannenbaum: No. They can't ask about religious affiliation.
Tony Soprano: Oh, right...right...o' course. What'd you check?
Noah Tannenbaum: African American.
Tony Soprano: So we do understand each other; you're a ditsoon.
Noah Tannenbaum: Excuse me?
Tony Soprano: Charcoal Briquette...a mulignan.
Noah Tannenbaum: What's your problem?
Tony Soprano: I think you know what my problem is. You see your little friend up there. She didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house. Now I dunno what the fuck she was thinkin', we'll get to that later. See I got business associates who are black and they don't want my son with their daughters and I don't want their sons with mine.
Noah Tannenbaum: Fuck you!
Tony Soprano: See, that's the kind o' thing I'm hopin' to avoid. So when my little girl comes down the stairs, you're gonna say how nice it was to meet me, then you're gonna go drop her off at school and you're gonna say Goodbye.
Uncle Junior: I'm fucking fed up.
Tony Soprano: Hey, I'm on the street. That's the arrangement. Stay home, clip your coupons. Be a happy man.
Janice Soprano: I mean...I...I do know what mom's wishes were, but not to have a wake or a funeral, I mean makes us look like we're unloving children, not to mention cheapskates.
Tony Soprano: Who gives a shit what it looks like, the woman expressed her wishes.
Christopher Moltisanti: The wife of a made guy doesn't hostess.
Adriana La Cerva: I'm so proud of you. I love you Christopher.
Christopher Moltisanti: You better.
Janice Soprano: You better hope you have all your shit outta here 'cuz I'm callin' the locksmith.
Tony Soprano: Sit down. You want somethin' to eat?
Jackie Aprile, Jr: I'm not hungry.
Tony Soprano: That's too bad, I said lunch meet. You want a drink? Lose the glasses. I'm gonna say a few things. I'm gonna say some bad words. You're just gonna have to deal with it. Now I know what you're thinkin', you're thinkin' I clipped your uncle. On the one hand, you'd be a shithead to believe me when I told you I didn't do it. But I didn't. Now I got some bad news for you. Look at me. Look at me. Your uncle was a rat.
Jackie Aprile, Jr: No fuckin' way.
Tony Soprano: Sit down. Sit down. Sit the fuck down. Your uncle was a rat and now he's in the witness protection program.
Jackie Aprile, Jr: That's my father's brother you're talkin' about.
Tony Soprano: Jackie, I'm a member of your family almost...you think I'm the only one that knows this about Richie, you ask anybody. This hurt all of us.
Jackie Aprile, Jr: Jesus Christ.
Tony Soprano: You're dad and me, you know how close we were? He never wanted this for you. He wanted you to be a doctor.
Jackie Aprile, Jr: Give me a fuckin' break!
Tony Soprano: Let me tell you something...besides the money, which there is a shitload of, doctor's a very powerful position.
Jackie Aprile, Jr: I'm no doctor. You know how hard you have to work to get your MD? How many years it takes? I was even thinkin' maybe osteopathy...but I don't think I have the grades for that even.
Tony Soprano: What? You're not gonna drop out of Rutgers, are ya?
Jackie Aprile, Jr: No, but those fuckin' Pre-Med courses almost killed me. I only did it 'cuz my dad was sick.
Tony Soprano: But you should know, he never wanted this life for you, and I'll tell you somethin', I don't want it for my son either.
Svetlana Kirilenko: Bill, don't waste breath, this cunt is gonna be sorry she ever fuck with me!
Employee of the Month
Silvio Dante: She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Paulie Walnuts: Ginny Sacramoni, what she needs is her own zip code.
Paulie Walnuts: She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.
Furio Giunta: I like a woman you can grab onto something.
Paulie Walnuts: You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands'll disappear.
Gigi Cestone: Jersey's a small state, she moves in...she could tip it over.
Tony Soprano: Alright, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this.
Vito Spatafore: I'm upset. But please, I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph Cifaretto: Oh unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Carmela Soprano: Maybe the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse...you ever thought of exploring that as a root cause?
Tony Soprano: How you doin'? I got new shoes. Soles are a little heavy.
Officer Wilmore: License, registration, and insurance card please.
Tony Soprano: You're with the township right? I think I had dinner with your boss last week. Tony Soprano.
Officer Wilmore: Would you please remove the license from the wallet. Do you know why I stopped you sir?
Tony Soprano: Yeah I do. I'll tell you what, why don't you and your wife have dinner, on me. And you can tell her about it.
Officer Wilmore: You offering me a bribe sir?
Tony Soprano: Course not. You gotta relax a little.
Officer Wilmore: Would you uh...shut the engine please sir?
Tony Soprano: Just out of curiosity, what happens if I don't feel like shuttin' the engine?
Officer Wilmore: Dispatch 582, request backup.
Tony Soprano: Ah, you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.
Carmela Soprano: Tony...
Responding Officer: 582 what's your dilemma?
Officer Wilmore: Dispatch, cancel backup.
Tony Soprano: Is this the high point of your career?
Officer Wilmore: Wait in the car.
Tony Soprano: Our tax dollars, hard earned fuckin' work.
Carmela Soprano: Makes you sick! You think they'd be out arresting dope dealers!
Tony Soprano: Can you believe this shit?! This, this fuckin' smoke's actually writin' me up!
Carmela Soprano: Stay in the car, Tony!
Tony Soprano: Affirmitive Action cocksucker!
Vito Spatafore: He's gonna be a vegetable, Tony! A fuckin' retard!
Tony Soprano: No, he's gonna be fine.
Ralph Cifaretto: Well, look at the bright side. He wasn't that smart to begin with!
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Just say the word. My fuckin' pleasure!
Tony Soprano: Why don't you go grab us some coffee.
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Come on, are you kiddin'?!
Paulie Walnuts: Better yet, go to the ear, nose, and throat department. Get your hearin' checked.
Ralph Cifaretto: Oh, what? Not even a hello?
Tracee: Fuck you, asshole.
Ralph Cifaretto: Oh that's nice. Very nice. That's how you talk to a man in front of his friends?
Ralph Cifaretto: I have come to reclaim Rome for my people.
Gigi Cestone: They're gonna find this piece o' shit in a trunk someday.
Ralph Cifaretto: Skipper! Where's Tony?
Gigi Cestone: Gettin' his weasel greased.
Ralph Cifaretto: Oh, your kid brother's here.
Ralph Cifaretto: I have to start taking care of your for the baby. If it's a boy, we'll name him Ralph after me. If it's a girl, we'll name her Tracee after you, this way she can grow up to be a cock-sucking slob just like her mother.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm not fuckin' kiddin' Tony. He's a sick fuck. He was sniffin' her fuckin' panties.
Tony Soprano: What?
Christopher Moltisanti: You heard me.
Furio Giunta: You know, there are worse things that can happen to a person than cancer.
Uncle Junior: Anthony is a cunt hair away from owning all of Northern Jersey. And I am that cunt hair.
Tony Soprano: Well...you know, you're gettin' better. That's the important thing. You look better too.
Uncle Junior: If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waitin' in the car who wants to tongue my balls.
Tony Soprano: Hey you want that, it's a phone call away.
Uncle Junior: No need. You say sign, I sign. You tell me to take a crap on the deck o' the Queen Mary, an hour later, they're hosin' it down with disinfectant.
He is Risen
Gigi Cestone: What's wrong with you? The skips here.
Ralph Cifaretto: I'm on a roll here...
Gigi Cestone: You'll be on a slab you keep it up.
Dino Zerilli: So what's this shit I hear about Tony havin' a fight with Ralph Cifaretto...somethin' about thanksgivin'?
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: I was there.
Dino Zerilli: What? Tony's? Wow....thanksgivin'?
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: After dinner. Take Meadow out.
Dino Zerilli: Did you fuck her yet?
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Her body is mad ripe.
Dino Zerilli: Yeah, but did you fuck her yet?
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: She's creamin' fer me man.
Dino Zerilli: Ha ha...you didn't fuck her yet!
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: I don't know if it's even a smart thing...she's Tony Soprano's daughter.
Ralph Cifaretto: The money I put in his pocket from construction alone, he should hit his knees, this prick. What? You think I'm afraid of that fat fuck? No offense. (to Vito Spatafore) I could see if it was his daughter or a niece of his, but all this over some dead whore. (whore pronounced hooah)
Ralph Cifaretto: I'm tellin' ya John, he's not leavin' me a lot of options here.
Johnny Sack: Don't talk crazy. You wanna commit suicide, pills are a lot easier.
The Telltale Moozadell
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: You should get the nurse to help you...that's what they get paid for...maybe she'll be fine and give you a cheap thrill.
Paulie Walnuts: Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
Tony Soprano: What do you mean?
Paulie Walnuts: They have both male and female sex organs. That’s why somebody you don’t trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Tony Soprano: Don’t you think that expression would’ve come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?
Paulie Walnuts: Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.
Tony Soprano: What are you doin' here?
Carmela Soprano: Answer your father.
Anthony Junior: I got sent home.
Tony Soprano: Why? Why?!!
Anthony Junior: I got in trouble.
Carmela Soprano: Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool.
Tony Soprano: How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
Carmela Soprano: They threw a bunch of stuff in it, they broke things.
Tony Soprano: Why'd you do that for?
Anthony Junior: Screwin' around.
Tony Soprano: On your mother's birthday?! (smacks Anthony Junior in the head)
Anthony Junior: It wasn't. It was after midnight.
Tony Soprano: What are you, fuckin' stupid, huh?
Officer 1: You make this pizza?
Pizza Restaurant Owner: Who make-ah this pizza?
Officer 1: We're askin' you...
Officer 2: Is this your store logo sir?
Pizza Restaurant Owner: That's-a my box.
Officer 2: This pie was found at a crime scene.
Pizza Restaurant Owner: My pizza never hurt nobody.
Officer 2: Come again sir?
Pizza Restaurant Owner: You no find any bacteria in here!
Officer 2: Some kids broke in a Verbum Dei High School, broke things, they left this there.
Pizza Restaurant Owner: Now you tell me their names, I go put-ah my foot up-ah their ass.
Tony Soprano: Don't tell me you were happier when she was goin' out with that uh...Jamaal Ginsburg, the hasidic homeboy.
To Save Us All From Satan's Power
Silvio Dante: Tony, guess what we found in the bottom of the Christmas box.
Tony Soprano: Santa Outfit.
Silvio Dante: You guessed.
Tony Soprano: Burn the fuckin' thing.
Christopher Moltisanti: This is the first Christmas in history I remember him not bein' Santa.
Raymond Curto: Ahh...Big Pussy.
Paulie Walnuts: We were talkin' the other day about that fat piece o' shit. When he got back from Boca in Christmas in '95, how he wasn't himself.
Tony Soprano: What happened to uh...not wastin' your breath on the cocksucker?
Raymond Curto: Two faced fuck. To sell out your friends and save your own ass. It's despicable. That's one ride I would've loved ta been along on.
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah...me too.
Tony Soprano: Enough o' this shit. Put up the fuckin' decorations.
Silvio Dante: Well we still gotta find somebody ta play Santa. (everyone stares at Tony)
Tony Soprano: The fuck outta here.
Bobby Baccilieri: (Everyone looks at Bobby, Silvio points it out to Tony) What?!
Christopher Moltisanti: Ho fuckin' ho!
Tony Soprano: You're right. (to Silvio)
Bobby Baccilieri: What are you talkin' about?
Paulie Walnuts: You wanna play Santa Claus at the party this year?
Bobby Baccilieri: Nah...I can't do that.
Silvio Dante: Why not?
Bobby Baccilieri: I don't know. I don't know how.
Paulie Walnuts: Eh, what's to know. You ask 'em what they want for Christmas, you give 'em a nice toy, and that's the end of it.
Bobby Baccilieri: Nah...not me...I can't.
Paulie Walnuts: Yes you can.
Bobby Baccilieri: I can't.
Paulie Walnuts: Why not?
Bobby Baccilieri: I'm shy.
Paulie Walnuts: (angrily, to Bobby) The Boss o' this family told you you're gonna be Santa Claus. You're Santa Claus! So shut the fuck up about it.
Paulie Walnuts: Pussy...I loved that cocksucker like a brother and he fucked me in the ass.
Silvio Dante: One thing you gotta admit, he made a great Santa Claus.
Tony Soprano: He did.
Paulie Walnuts: In the end, fuck Santa Claus.
Bobby Baccilieri: (in Santa suit) You were just here.
Kid: I was not.
Bobby Baccilieri: Yeah you were. You were on my lap five minutes ago.
Kid: No, I wasn't.
Bobby Baccilieri: Yes you were. Now you're goin' on Santa's list and you're gettin' nothin'!
Kid: Fuck you, Santa.
Paulie Walnuts: Gimme your shoes. I can go get help.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you. You're not leavin' me here.
Paulie Walnuts: You don't trust me?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's stupid. Pitch dark out there.
Paulie Walnuts: And what's your fuckin' plan? Eat ketchup packs?
Christopher Moltisanti: We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
Paulie Walnuts: And I shoulda fucked Dale Evans, but I didn't!
Christopher Moltisanti: Could be him out there stalkin' us!
Paulie Walnuts: With what? His cock? Think about it Chrissy. Even if he's alive, he's unarmed and bleedin' like a sieve, he's in the woods, he's in his pajamas. It's the fuckin' Yukon out there.
Christopher Moltisanti: Probably thinks we left anyway.
Paulie Walnuts: If he's alive, which he ain't. What's that?
Christopher Moltisanti: Nathan's bag. Fuck, there's some ketchups and shit.
Paulie Walnuts: They clean?
Christopher Moltisanti: I don't know. They were in the bag. They're a little halfway frozen.
Paulie Walnuts: Fuck it. Gimme some. Not bad. Mix it with the relish.
Paulie Walnuts: You said yourself I hit 'im in the head. Fuckin' Rasputin this guy.
Bobby Baccilieri: One time we went huntin'. Saw a sign said 'Bear Left.' (pause) So we went home.
Paulie Walnuts: We were drivin' south and the sun's settin' there.
Christopher Moltisanti: What good's that do us?
Paulie Walnuts: At least we know what direction we're headed.
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah but we're still fuckin' lost.
Paulie Walnuts: We're not lost. Stop gettin' cunty.
Paulie Walnuts: You think we're diggin' a hole. That's right shithead, get to work. I know the ground's kind o' hard, but give it some o' that Siberian action.
Valery: Ya sech pubyuvyal sukye. (Cocksuckers, I'll kill you both)
Paulie Walnuts: Shut up!
Valery: Vishto davitzishtov na chaladna. (You think the cold bothers me?) No...dvam colodna. Amenya niet. (I wash my balls with ice water!) Ya payatsiev caladeeva deechadyeel. (This is warm.) Amerikozeh Sronye. (You American pieces of shit.) Poo! (Valery Spits)
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck's he sayin'?
Paulie Walnuts: Who gives a shit. Keep diggin'. Not that it matters now. We didn't come ta your house ta kill ya! That mouth o' yours. You gotta learn to shut the fuck up.
Christopher Moltisanti: So how far is it to Atlantic City? (Valery swings the shovel right into Chris's head and slams him hard. Then he hits Paulie with the other end of the shovel right in his stomach and runs off.)
Christopher Moltisanti: I think he's dyin'.
Paulie Walnuts: Must've cracked his windpipe. That's it fer him.
Christopher Moltisanti: What, are you a fuckin' doctor now? What're we gonna do?
Paulie Walnuts: You’re not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator. (about Valery)
Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.
Paulie Walnuts: I can't believe it. I fuckin' loved that car.
Bobby Baccilieri: Probably kids or somethin'.
Christopher Moltisanti: What if it was the guy?
Tony Soprano: You got the money.
Paulie Walnuts: It was in the car.
Tony Soprano: It's all I asked you ta do Paulie.
Paulie Walnuts: Sorry T, it couldn't be helped. Guy fuckin' lunged at us. (Chris nods yes) Listen Ton, I know I fucked up, but-
Tony Soprano: It's okay, really. Just forget it.
Bobby Baccilieri: What do ya think? Wanna look fer this guy or what?
Tony Soprano: You tell me. Is it worth it?
Paulie Walnuts: I hit 'im in the head Ton. I saw it with my own eyes.
Tony Soprano: Is it possible this fuck made it outta here alive?
Bobby Baccilieri: It's hard to say. Flesh wound maybe. Head shot, I dunno. On the other hand, anything's possible.
Tony Soprano: You're a captain. What do you wanna do? (To Paulie)
Paulie Walnuts: Fuck it. Lets go home.
Tony Soprano: Alright. But lets be clear on this right now. This cocksucka crawls out from under a rock, he's your problem, not mine. You deal with Slava, you take the heat. You pay the price. Capice?
Paulie Walnuts: Fine.
Paulie Walnuts: (Chris pisses) Ohhhh!!! Do that by yer own window. (window pronounced windah) I don't wanna smell yer piss.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you.
Paulie Walnuts: What'd you say?
Christopher Moltisanti: You heard me.
Paulie Walnuts: Don’t make me pull rank on you kid.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you, Paulie. Captain or no Captain, right now we're just two assholes lost in the woods.
Paulie Walnuts: Do yerself a favor, Chrissy and go back to fuckin' sleep.
Christopher Moltisanti: Why? So you can choke me?
Paulie Walnuts: What?
Christopher Moltisanti: Think I'm stupid. I heard ya on the phone tryin' ta blame this on me.
Paulie Walnuts: Fuck you talkin' about?
Christopher Moltisanti: You fucked up with the Russian prick, now you're worried about Tony. You wait till I'm asleep then you'll choke me so he'll just have your version.
Paulie Walnuts: Choke ya right now you fuck!!
Christopher Moltisanti: (Chris pulls his gun out) I'll leave you here you one-shoe cocksucker.
Paulie Walnuts: Put it down Chrissy.
Christopher Moltisanti: You know how fast I can run, I'll leave you in the fuckin' dust.
Paulie Walnuts: All the shit we’ve been through, you think I’ll really kill you?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, I do. (Chris laughs and calms down)
Paulie Walnuts: Promise me you won't leave me here.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm not gonna leave ya.
Dino Zerilli: Since we're kickin' up, we were hopin' you could, you know, watch our back?
Ralph Cifaretto: 350 buys you a hello. Watchin' your back...that's gonna require a little more initiative on your part.
Ralph Cifaretto: Tell me Romeo, now that ya moved back home, are you gonna be humpin' Tony Soprano's little girl on our couch?
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Fuck her. Tony, too, with his stay-in-school bullshit. He coulda reached out to somebody at Rutgers.
Ralph Cifaretto: He should break the Dean's legs 'cause you're too lazy ta read a fuckin' book?
Patsy Parisi: What's a matter, you don't like me?
Gloria Trillo: Look, I'm not back in ten minutes, they call the cops, standard operating procedure.
Patsy Parisi: (pulls out his gun) Here's some standard operating procedure. Stay the fuck away from Tony Soprano, shut the fuck up and listen. It's over. Capice? Over and done. You call, or go anywhere near him or his family and they'll be scraping your nipples off these fine leather seats. And here's the point to remember: my face is the last one you'll see, not Tony's...we understand each other? It won't be cinematic.
Ralph Cifaretto: There was this old, old moustache named Feech La Manna. Now what the hell Feech meant, who the fuck knows, but he was made on the other side, so you know, he was an original.
Dino Zerilli: He was an O.G.!
Ralph Cifaretto: Whatever.
Pizza Restaurant Owner: Guys, if you're gonna smoke, take it outside. (Spanish customers ignore the owner)
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Fuck's the matter? You don't speak English?
Spanish Customer 1: Who the fuck are you?
Dino Zerilli: The owner's a dear friend of ours, that should be enough for you.
Spanish Customer 2: Fuck him too! (Dino slaps the shit out of the 2nd Spanish customer)
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: What'd you fuckin' say! (pulls out a gun)
Spanish Customer 3: Whoah...Whoah! Chill Chill!!
Spanish Customer 1: Relax!!!
Pizza Restaurant Owner: Jackie...what are ya doin'?!
Dino Zerilli: It's alright, its under control.
Jackie Aprile, Jr.: Go find a fuckin' Taco Bell before I cap your asses.
Dino Zerilli: The fuck outta here!!!
Army of One
Tony Soprano: I tell ya one thing though, I'm not gonna make the same mistake with AJ. He got expelled. Him we're sendin' to military school.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know, we never discussed exactly what you want for your children.
Tony Soprano: I don't want 'em to end up in Boonton with their face blown off...
Kelli Aprile: My brother's whole stupid pathetic dream was to follow in our father's footsteps. What, I got to paint a picture? He was killed by some fat fuck in see-through socks. Take your pick, they all look alike.
Paulie Walnuts: You're late.
Ralph Cifaretto: Well, tomorrow I could be on time, but you'll be stupid forever.
Paulie Walnuts: I can't believe this!
Ralph Cifaretto: Why not? Last year, you believed a flyin' saucer was over East Rutherford.
Carmela Soprano: You wanna train him to be a professional killer?
Tony Soprano: Oh will you stop! They're soldiers. And the United States Army hardly ever goes to war anymore.
Carmela Soprano: They were marching with rifles, Tony.
Tony Soprano: The barrels are plugged! They're symbolic!
Carmela Soprano: Symbolic of what?
Tony Soprano: Respect!
Carmela Soprano: He will be subjected to the discipline of kids hardly older than himself. Does that seem smart? Boys his age still kill frogs and small animals.
Tony Soprano: The Cusamano's Binky? The cherry bomb with the nails in it, you think it was AJ?
Carmela Soprano: No, that is what I'm trying to tell you. He is still a child. He's a normal child. He's made some mistakes. God knows, he's got a shitload to learn about life. That does not mean that I'm gonna let you send him to the type of school whose whole reason for being is to make him follow orders by instilling fear.
Tony Soprano: He thinks the world owes him a fuckin' livin'.
Carmela Soprano: What could've given him that bizarre idea?
Tony Soprano: We tried it your way for fifteen years now, with Berry Brazel to validatin' his feelings and that fuckin' school did the same thing and what a surprise. He thinks the world runs on his feelings! Well, he's gonna go learn to be a man.
Carmela Soprano: I will not send him to that place.