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The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

2006 film by Michael Lembeck

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause is a 2006 American comedy film starring Tim Allen and Martin Short, the sequel to The Santa Clause and The Santa Clause 2. This is the third film in the trilogy.

'Twas the fight before Christmas (taglines)

Dialogue

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[First lines]
Carol: All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg flying west at 20 miles per hour, and another reindeer flies east traveling at 50 miles per hour, how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart? Anyone? Anyone? [one elf raises her hand] Trish.
Trish: How come we can't learn the things we want to learn?
Carol: Like what?
Trish: Like, wasn't it weird when you married Santa, and had to move all the way up to the Pole and give up your old life, Mrs. Claus?
Carol: Weirder than you can possibly imagine. But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.
Trish: Like what?
Carol: [smiles] Okay.
[Carol is being rushed down the hallway on a gurney]
Scott: BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!
Curtis: Cocoa, the baby's coming!
Cocoa: Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!
Carol: I KNOW!!!
Carol: [laughs] Come here.
Scott: Okay.
Carol: Ready? Wait for the kick.
Scott: She's brilliant like her mother with rhythm like her dad.
Carol: Yes. But, not amazing timing. I wish that the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought. I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.
Scott: Uh, you need a diversion.
Carol: No, no, Scott. No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.
Scott: Well, this is not for you. This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff. Ho! Ho! Ho! [leaves the room and comes back through the fireplace He holds a big bag and then pulls a much smaller one out of it. He then opens smaller bag, and a baby mobile magically appears]
Carol: Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful! The baby's gonna love it.
Scott: Yeah. It spins around like this.
Scott: [having an idea] Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."
Curtis: [confused] Canada?
Scott: Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!
[The Sandman is snoring]
Mother Nature: Sandman! [bangs the gavel]
Sandman: [wakes up suddenly] I'm up. I'm up!
Jack: [to Scott] You get the soda cans and you get the TV specials and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful adoring wife and the army of toy-building yes men. What do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
Mother Nature: Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack: [scoffs] Oh.
Mother Nature: You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack: Excuse me, did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott: Oh, please.
Jack: Guilty as charged.
Father Time: Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy: You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny: And you kill fruit!
[Comet passes gas]
Scott: Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?
[Comet resumes passing gas]
Scott: I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
Sandman: I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.
Sylvia: What a quaint little village. Everyone's just so petite.
Bud: No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Scott: Who? What? Um...Oh, uh...Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
Bud: No, it's too far. We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in '67, but no.
Scott: Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?
Bud: No.
Scott: Well, this is...this is what Canadians look like.
[Everyone is silent]
Bud: [confused] Ah.
[Neil, Laura, and Lucy walk into the workshop and see the elves working on the toys]
Laura: [amazed] Magnificent.
Neil: It's amazing.
Lucy: Killer!
Curtis: [runs in after them] Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.
Neil: I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.
Lucy: Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories! [runs down into the workshop]
Neil: Lucy! [chases her] Lucy, come back here. [stops himself] Whoa! Trains. [runs down into the workshop]
Laura: [to Curtis] I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll! [runs down into the workshop]
[Curtis gets frustrated]
Jack: Cocoachinos anyone?
Sylvia: Oh, yes.
Jack: [pulls out her chair; sits down; handing her a cup] I hope you like it. It's my special recipe.
[They both sip their cups]
Sylvia: Mmm, minty.
Jack: Doesn't it make you feel refreshed?
Sylvia: Yes, it does! [drinks some more]
Jack: Oh my, I just love your hair.
Sylvia: You do?
Jack: Yeah, I do.
Sylvia: I love yours.
Jack: You do?
Sylvia: Yeah, I do. I've never seen anything like it.
Jack: Oh, you're so adorable. You divine little kitten you. [woofs flirtatiously; Sylvia giggles] I bet you can sing.
Sylvia: No, no, no, no, no.
Jack: Oh, come on, I bet you can sing.
Sylvia: Mmm, a little.
Jack: I knew it! I knew it! Sing something for me.
Sylvia: What do you want to hear?
Jack: How about [singing] Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin' at your nose. Yuletide carols being su-
Jack: No, no. Go back to the other line, the one before the first one.
Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin' at your nose.
Jack: Ooh, it gives me the chills.
Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin' at your nose.
Jack: Oh, what a lyric!
Carol: [walks in] Hey, guys, what's going on?
Jack: [excitedly] Your mother is fabulous! [Sylvia playfully pinches his nose] Would you like to be my elf?
Sylvia: Huh?
Jack: You heard me.
Bud: [after putting out an oven fire] What's the matter with you people? Don't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?
Jack: I'll get a mop!
Curtis: Sir! Sir!
Scott: Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that the entire facility is ruined, and Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it. I can't handle one more piece of bad news.
Curtis: Well, then, good news, sir.
Scott: What?
Curtis: Your pants are on fire.
[After the elves put out the fire on Scott's pants]
Jack: Is there anything I can do?
Scott: Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?
[Jack turns his head away slowly]
Lucy: [skips around the workshop, passes Santa's secret Hall of Snow Globes; notices Jack emerging from it with Scott’s snow globe in his hand] That's Uncle Scott's snow globe. You are not supposed to have it.
Jack: I know. Isn't it great?
Lucy: (No.) It’s not great at all. You've done a terrible thing. You'll be on the naughty list for the rest of your life.
Jack: But people on the naughty list have more fun.
Lucy: I'm calling for help.
Jack: I wouldn't do that.
Lucy: [walks back out to the workshop; calls out to her mom and dad] Mom! Dad! Over here! Quick!
[Neil and Laura rush into Scott’s secret snow globe stash not knowing Jack is behind the door, which he closes]
Neil: Lucy, what's wrong?
Jack: I told you not to do that.
Lucy: Jack Frost took Uncle Scott's snow globe, and he knows it's not his! [Jack blows his frost on Laura and Neil; screams] Stop! Stop! No! [Jack stops blowing; Laura and Neil are completely frozen] What did you do?!
Jack: I froze them. [inhales; pauses] Now am I going to have to do the same thing to you, or are you going in that closet and not saying a word? [Lucy unwillingly makes her choice and walks into the closet with her frozen parents] Smart girl. Oh, smile, will ya? I've had kids beg me to freeze their parents. And to think I asked you to be my elf. [closes the closet]
[Carol cries over her broken glass star tree topper]
Sylvia: Oh, honey.
Scott: [trying to comfort his wife] Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
Bud: [sarcastically] Oh, you picked up on that, did you?
Scott: Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Bud: Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Scott: Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!
Bud: Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
Carol: [in tears] Dad.
Scott: Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to makes things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Bud: [decided] That's it. We're leaving.
Carol: [shocked] What?
Sylvia: Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Scott: Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Carol: [sadly] Maybe I should never have come either.
[Scott gets frustrated]
Jack: [rushes up to Scott] Don't say anything, you'll regret. [Carol leaves to sit down] I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? [to Scott] Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go. [leaves with Scott]
Sylvia: [comforting Carol] Oh, sweetheart.
[Jack pulls out his present to Scott as they walk away]
Scott: It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Jack: Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
Scott: But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
Jack: You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now. [pulls up his present to Scott]
Scott: I can't.
Jack: Come on. Open it.
Scott: I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack: Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
Scott: I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack: Come on, you just open it, please.
Scott: [gives in] Thanks. [takes the present]
Jack: So are there times when you wonder...
Scott: Wonder what?
Jack: If this was even...
Scott: Worth it? [scoffs] More than you know.
Jack: [nods] Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Scott: Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
Jack: So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Scott: [scoffs] I wish I'd never become Santa.
Jack: At all?
Scott: At all. At all. [opens his present] Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy? [notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Jack: [smiles evilly] I am now.
[Scott and Jack are transported to Christmas Eve 1994, when Scott accidentally killed the original Santa. They landed on the snow of the front lawn of Scott's former house. They look up to see the original Santa on the rooftop. Scott hurries, but Jack pulls him]
Jack: [calling out to the original Santa] Hey, you!
[The original Santa startled, tumbled over, slid on the rooftop, and landed on the lawn before he disappears. Scott tackles Jack, and is about to reach the red coat, but Jack whacks his face with a shovel before getting the coat]
Scott: [in pain] You hit me with a shovel!
Jack: [puts on the red coat] Adios, fatty! [disappears in gold magic]
Scott: [shocked] NO, FROST! NO!!! Oh, no... [disappears in red magic]
Curtis: [taps on Scott's shoulder] Excuse me, sir.
Scott: [turns around; surprised] Curtis!
Curtis: Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott: No.
Curtis: Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott: What is that?
Curtis: Which is voice-enhanced. [records his voice on the pen] Will that be cash or credit card, sir? [plays back his recording]
Recorded voice of Curtis: "Will that be cash or credit card, sir?"
Scott: That's silly.
Curtis: And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott: The nice list?
Curtis: Walk with me, won't you?
Scott: Curtis, it's me. [sees the nice list kiosk] Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
Curtis: Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott: Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? [stammering] Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
Curtis: Security!
[The security guards restrain Scott]
Scott: Bring Frost out here right now!
Jack: [offscreen] I'll take care of him. [appears as Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Scott: Frost. What have you done?
Jack: Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Scott: Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack: The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott: What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack: Please, I'm cleansing. [chuckles] So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? [deep breath] I got everything I need right here.
Scott: Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack: [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen] Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
Scott: [takes the pen] This junk is not what Christmas is about.
Jack: Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott: Because you tricked me.
Jack: Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott: I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack: Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott: [an idea came to him] What? [surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
Jack: [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's...mama?
Scott: Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack: And this is your chance to enjoy the show. [to the security guard] Security.
Security Guard: Yes, sir.
Jack: Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard: [to Scott] Come on, let's go.
[The elf pianist plays "Theme from New York, New York" in an pleasingly expert but slightly "cheesy" honky-tonk style]
Jack: [in a ridiculously loud booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot] Start spreadin' th' news...by jet or by sleighhhh...You wanna be a part of it - North Pole, North Pole...You snooze and you loooose...so come here to PLAYYYY...here at the VERY HEART OF IT - North Pole, North Pole...come see the SNOWMAN...up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat...And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - HA! - turn up the heeeeat...Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues...are MELTing awayyyy...although it's 55 BELOW...at Polar Norrrth...You'll zip your - PARKA tight...sugar plum dreams - LATE AT night...It's all for YOU - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps...and watch this king of the chill, in perfect control, Doing his THING at the TOP of the POLE...If you can MAKE IT HERE...the world's all...CHRISTMAS CHEER... [the elf pianist groans at the absurdity of this last statement] ...holiday GOLD...North POLE...NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE! [the audience applaud for the cheesy performance, until Scott swings the lights and kicks him off the stage, landing on the pile of presents] Argh! I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!
Jack: [to Scott] Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.
[Scott turns on the commemorative pen in front of the magic snow globe Jack's holding]
Recorded Audio of Jack: "I wish I'd never been Santa at all!"
[Jack became shocked as the magic snow globe glows]
Scott: [smirking and mocking] Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's...mama?
1994 Charlie: [upon seeing the reindeer on the rooftop] Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!
1994 Scott: [climbing up the ladder, carrying the suit and boots with him] Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.
Jack: I want that coat!
Scott: [while overpowering Jack] Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love you? Because all the people you took money from, they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!
1994 Scott: [reluctantly puts on the coat] Well... how do I look? Nice?
Scott: [to Jack] And you're too late! [lets Jack go]
Jack: [shocked; starts to disappear back to the original timeline] NOOOOOO!!! [disappears in red magic]
[The triumphant Scott disappears in gold magic, back to the original timeline]
[Both Scott and Jack are back in the original timeline, and Scott became Santa again. He sees Carol and her parents walking, and runs to them in happiness]
Jack: [defeated] Well, that didn't work out the way I had hoped.
[Scott finally reveals Carol's parents to the North Pole by showing him the elves at Santa's Workshop]
Bud: [amazed] They're elves! They're not little Canadians, they're really elves!
Lucy: Uncle Scott!
Scott: Lucy, what's happened?
Curtis: I found her locked in a closet.
Scott: What's wrong?
Lucy: You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.
[Elves murmur as they bring frozen Laura and Neil in wheel carts]
Scott: It's gonna be okay.
[Two elficers open the door, having arrested Jack. Scott looks at Jack with a glare as if to say "Of course".]
Jack: Ow. Yeah, and?
Scott: Elficers, I have him. [to Jack; sternly] Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.
Jack: No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Scott: Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?
Mother Nature: I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Jack: Isn't that a shame? [chuckles]
Scott: [looks at Lucy and walks to her] What do you say, Luce?
Lucy: Do you think it'll work?
Scott: The question is, do you?
[Lucy looks at her uncle, hands over her snow globe and walks slowly to Frost]
Jack: Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my [Lucy hugs him] WAY-?! [starts heating up] Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. [purrs] Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
Lucy: I'm warming your heart.
Jack: But they told me it couldn't be done.
Lucy: But they didn't know about magical hugs.
[Everyone watches Jack Frost warming up as his appearance starts to change]
Jack: [smiles; sincerely] I think I like it.
["Hallelujah chorus" plays briefly; everyone looks at Laura and Neil as the ice starts to thaw off, causing them to unfreeze]
Lucy: Mom, Dad!
Laura: Lucy!
Neil: Group hug! [everyone joins in for a group hug] Feel the love.
Laura: Yes.
[Everyone is proud and happy that Neil and Laura are unfrozen; Scott and Carol kiss; reformed Jack Frost laughs and weeps happily in group hug]
Carol: [the baby is about to be born] Oh, Scott, I think it's time.
Scott: [checks his watch, not noticing] Oh, about 10:00.
Carol: I think it's time to deliver "the package".
Scott: [obliviously] Midnight as usual.
Carol: No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". [Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] Yeah.
Scott: [finally understanding what Carol meant] IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! [he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed] Baby's on the way!
[Carol screams as Santa and the elves causes chaos and traffic in the streets, the screen freezes as horror sting music plays in the background]
[Last lines]
Carol: And then the most magical thing of all is that I got to deliver just before Santa had to deliver.
Scott: [walks in with a baby boy] Are you tellin' stories again?
Elves: [seeing Scott's baby boy] Awww. So cute.
Scott: Make sure you get to the part about Santa changin' a mean diaper.
[The elves laugh in amusement]
Trish: So, who got to pick out the name?
Carol: That was easy. We named him after his grandpa.
Scott: That's right. Say hello to... Buddy Claus.

Taglines

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  • His time at the North Pole is about to go South.
  • 'Twas the fight before Christmas

Cast

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