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The Santa Clause 2

2002 film directed by Michael Lembeck

The Santa Clause 2 is a 2002 American/British comedy film starring Tim Allen and the sequel to the 1994 film, The Santa Clause. All the principal actors from the first film reprise their roles, except for Peter Boyle, who returns portraying a different minor character.

Double hos, double nog(taglines)

Scott

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  • Neil, have you ever actually helped anyone?
  • [going on a date] A needlepoint sweater and a mini van. I'll be back in about 8 minutes.

Bernard

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  • [to Curtis; frustrated] Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up!
  • Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

Toy Santa

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  • Hi! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!
  • [after drinking hot cocoa] I think Santa feels a little buzz!
  • You are a sad, strange little man!
  • The town will break our fall!
  • Let me outta here, you kiddies! Wait a minute, something's shocking me.
  • I promise I'll be good!
  • [last lines] Hey! What the heck are we doing out here? Ugh! Look, if we're gonna dance, dance like this. All of us! Everybody, you idiots! Hey, lady! Have you ever seen a toy do this? Hahahaha! Where are you going? Whoo!

Charlie

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  • [to Carol] Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing.

The Easter Bunny

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  • I have 33,000 offspring, all in private school.

Tracy

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  • You know what, I totally put myself out there doing that. And that was not an easy thing to do, and if you're the kind of man that can't support a woman's ambition, then I don't think there's any reason to continue this date.

Dialogue

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[First lines]
C-130 Pilot: I'm gettin' somethin' on the sonar!
Engineer: What is it?
C-130 Pilot: Strong reading from underneath the cap rock, sir!
Scott: [indicating a faulty toy kangaroo] Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off. [Alexander removes the hat, kangaroo hops easily] Too much counterweight.
Alexander the Elf: Thanks, Santa, you're the man.
Scott: That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over. [laughs]
Elf Quarterback: Ready, set! Seven swans-a-swimming! Six geese-a-laying!
Elves: Five golden rings!
Elf Quarterback: HIKE!
Scott: That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets: Uh-oh!
Scott: These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
Scott: What's the bad news?
Abby: [smiling] What do you mean?
Scott: Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?
Abby: Just don't shoot the messenger. [Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's...Charlie.
Scott: Sheen? I thought he straightened out.
Abby: Not that Charlie.
Scott: [realizes] My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
Puppets: [shocked] AAAAAAH!!!! [hide]
Scott: This is - There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby: We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me. [leaves]
Scott: Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?
Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
Scott: I-I can't have the meeting here, I really can't. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Bernard: [to Curtis] Number two, tell him now.
Scott: Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Curtis: Santa, there's a clause.
Scott: Yeah, and that would be me.
Curtis: No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Scott: Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Curtis: Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets: Get on with it!
Curtis: When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Scott: Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
Bernard: But it seems our number two elf, the "keeper of the handbook", overlooked the SINGLE, MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL in the history of Christmas!
Curtis: Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Bernard: Look.
Scott: I-I can't see that.
Bernard: Better now?
Scott: Uh-
Bernard: Or now?
Scott: Well-
Bernard: Better now?
Scott: It's gettin' there.
Bernard: Or now?
Scott: I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love...Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...matrimony"?! [realizes] I gotta get married!
Bernard: Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
[The puppets hum "The Wedding March"]
Scott: What if I don't want to get married? [starts getting thinner]
Curtis: Oh, dear. THE DE-SANTAFICATION PROCESS HAS BEGUN!
Scott: The de-Santafication? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married, I don't get to be Santa anymore? [sighs; worried about Christmas magic fading] Wh-What about the kids? What about the elves? And what about you guys?
Bernard: It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Scott: Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
Curtis: 28 days.
Scott: 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Curtis: Actually, Christmas Eve.
Scott: I guess it's over.
Curtis: No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do...then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock; surprised] Whoa.
Scott: Christmas is getting very complicated.
Mother Nature: Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
Scott: Oh, I'm - I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
Mother Nature: Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Tooth Fairy: Hear, hear.
Easter Bunny: What a lovely place.
Cupid: Hear, hear.
Mother Nature: And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.
Tooth Fairy: Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.
Easter Bunny: Oh, please!
Cupid: Come on!
Mother Nature: Good heavens!
[Everyone mumbles]
Tooth Fairy: In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.
Cupid: Because they stunk.
Tooth Fairy: Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss.
Cupid: Nice!
Tooth Fairy: Plaque Man.
Easter Bunny: D'oh!
Tooth Fairy: And Roy.
Cupid: [laughs ironically] Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
Tooth Fairy: This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
Scott: Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Molinator.
Tooth Fairy: The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator? [raises his hand]
Mother Nature: All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [she and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?
Sandman: [snorts] What? What - What happened? Was I asleep again?
Mother Nature: Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes, or no?
Sandman: No. I'm sorry.
Mother Nature: All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
Scott: Okay. Well, first off, I'd like to welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
Easter Bunny: Oh! I love Charlie.
Father Time: Great kid.
Mother Nature: Good boy.
Sandman: Sweet kid.
Tooth Fairy: Good teeth.
Scott: Well, Charlie...got himself on the naughty list.
Tooth Fairy: [shocked] What?
Mother Nature: [shocked] Oh, my.
Scott: I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's - I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also gotta try to take care of Charlie-
Sandman: That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
Easter Bunny: Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Scott: Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
Easter Bunny: Hmm?
Scott: Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny: WHAT?!
Mother Nature: No!
Scott: The de-Santafication process has already begun.
Easter Bunny: Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
Everyone: You're right. You're right.
Scott: Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
Mother Nature: Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
Scott: No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
Father Time: 27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
Easter Bunny: Wow.
Father Time: It's what I do. [chuckles]
Scott: Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
Cupid: What do you need, pal?
Scott: Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
Cupid: All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Scott: Why not?
Cupid: 'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
Easter Bunny: Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
Scott: I don't wanna stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny: Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
Tooth Fairy: He's absolutely right.
Scott: This is all I wanna do. Well, what am I gonna do?
Father Time: Well, you - you can't be in two places at once.
Carol: Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
Scott: Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you. It's always such a pleasure.
Carol: Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you came unarmed. Excuse me.
Scott: [quietly] Ouch.
Picardo: [stopped by Carol who confiscates his skateboard] Good mornin', Principal Newman.
Carol: Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
Picardo: It's dark. And it's cold.
Carol: It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?
Picardo: Yes.
Carol: So, what are you gonna do?
Picardo: I'm going straight to 3rd-period geometry.
Carol: Have a nice trip.
Carol: [in her office] Not only is it an affront to authority, but a blatant disrespect for school property. My feeling is, if this sort of thing continues, I'll have no other recourse than to suspend-
Scott: Excuse me, excuse me. Is there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture? Because I'm more interested in why this happened in the first place.
Carol: So am I. Charlie, we're all worried about you. It feels to me like you're trying to get someone's attention. What's bothering you? [Charlie shrugs] Dr. Miller?
Neil: Neil.
Carol: Neil, do you have any theories?
Neil: Well, frankly, I have several.
Scott: Here we go. Let's just order a pizza.
Laura: Scott, you're not helping.
Neil: I was listening to a new tape series on child development just last night.
Scott: [hits his head on the file drawers] You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil. It's four weeks until Christmas. That's a major holiday in December.
Carol: Oh.
Scott: Have you noticed the hallways in this school? Not a decoration, not a twinkling light, not an expression of the happiness and joy kids are supposed to be feeling this time of year. I mean, what kind of school are you running?
Carol: A public school, Mr. Calvin, the top-rated academically public school in the district. That takes a lot of effort. And money. And spending any of that money on holiday decorations would take away from the things that truly matter.
Scott: Forgive me, but I think holiday cheer really matters.
Laura: Hey, what are we going to do? Charlie, we're all really worried-
Scott: Laura, let me handle this. Charlie, you know what you did is wrong, right?
Charlie: [carelessly/nonchalantly] I guess so.
Scott: There's no guessing. Guessing is gone. It was wrong what you did, and you're not gonna do it again. Promise me.
Charlie: Okay.
Scott: There you go. He's good to his word and he won't do it again. Meeting is adjourned.
Carol: It most certainly is not! Charlie-
Scott: You know what else? Here's a little donation for you. Why don't you buy yourself a wreath?
[Comet grunts about the lights not being straight]
Scott: What do you mean it's not straight?
Comet: [grunting] Just because.
Scott: Sure it's straight.
Comet: [grunting] Uh-uh.
Scott: Maybe your head's crooked. [Comet grunts in protest] You know, Prancer's not this picky.
Comet: [grunting] Yes, he is.
Lucy: Hi, Comet!
Comet: [grunting; happily] Hi!
[Scott shushes Comet silently]
Lucy: I've got something for you.
Scott: Hey, Lucy, what have you got there? [Lucy unwraps out a Christmas-themed Crunch Bar] Oh, you gotta be careful with the sweets: He tends to overeat.
Lucy: Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?
Scott: What? Why would you ask me something like that?
Lucy: 'Cause you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.
Scott: Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer.
Lucy: Name five.
Scott: Well...most of them live in Finland, but I can't pronounce their names. [Comet stares at Scott] Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets.
[Comet scowls at Scott]
Lucy: Well, I think you're very smart.
[Comet licks her, and she giggles]
Toy Santa: [while reading the contents of handbook of rules] Wait a minute. I need the naughty and nice list.
Bernard: Nope.
Toy Santa: Oh yes, yes, it says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Bernard: Santa already checked it!
Toy Santa: No, I didn't.
Bernard: The real Santa.
Toy Santa: I am the REAL Santa!
Bernard: Sorry?
Toy Santa: I'm in charge here!
Bernard: What?!
Toy Santa: I check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
Bernard: I think you're misunderstanding something.
Toy Santa: No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
Carol: Are Laura and Neil on their way?
Scott: No, I volunteered to go solo on this one.
Carol: Oh, you look - you've really lost weight. Are you feeling all right?
Scott: I was until I got this phone call. [sees graffitied lockers with Carol Newman saying, "Trim a tree, go to jail!"] Charlie, you promised that you weren't gonna do this again, and now you've broken a promise. What's the matter with you, Charlie? I'm gonna have to punish you. I'll ground him for two months.
Charlie: I thought you were on my side!
Scott: How can I be on your side when-
Carol: I'm gonna do one better, Charlie. You're suspended.
Charlie: But Dad!
Scott: Hold on a second! I'm just as upset about this as you, but isn't there another way that we can punish Charlie that doesn't involve taking him out of school?
Carol: What did you have in mind?
Scott: We could— [stammering] Community service?
Carol: Huh, that's not a bad idea. Okay, Charlie. I want you to start by cleaning off this wall. I want everything off of there by tonight. And then, for the rest of the week, you can clean off every mark off of every locker in this hallway.
Charlie: [shocked] Every one?!
Scott: [sternly] Do as she says, Charlie.
Charlie: But I have homework, tests to study for.
Carol: That's not my problem. I have a big detention group that meets on Saturdays at the rec center. So, we will all begin scraping graffiti off at 8:00 A.M. See you both there.
Scott: You say both of us? No, I'm a busy man. I do a lot of other community service.
Carol: Well, that's good. You just got yourself elected parent rep. [to Charlie] And Charlie, we'll talk about the suspension.
Toy Santa: [wearing an admiral uniform] Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. [the elves stopped working] Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
Elves: [confused] What? Huh?
Toy Santa: The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
Elves: [shocked] Coal?!
Toy Santa: Quiet!
Elf: [to the other elves] We can't give them coal.
Toy Santa: We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I hate to blow my own horn. [blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves] I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa is sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
Bernard: [can't handle the lies] Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
Elf: Not Santa?
Bernard: He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy!
Toy Santa: [sarcastically] Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding, have a joyous and merry Christmas!
[The toy soldiers grab the elves, who tried to run for their lives]
Bernard: [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
[The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts]
Toy Santa: Merry Christmas!
Charlie: How could you pick her?
Scott: I didn't pick her.
Charlie: You don't care anymore!
Scott: Charlie, I care about you more than anybody else, but it's a two-way street. What am I supposed to do if you won't confide in me?
Charlie: All right, you want it?
Scott: Yeah.
Charlie: All right, here it is.
Scott: [shushes Charlie and they both move into the living room] What? What? Talk to me.
Charlie: Okay, I don't live a normal life.
Scott: You live a great life here.
Charlie: No, no, no, just listen to me! My friends get to go around saying, you know, "My dad's a plumber. My dad's a pilot. My dad's a dentist." [voice breaking] Well, you know what? My dad is the best thing of all, and I can't tell anyone about it! Dad, you have no idea how hard that is walking around with that secret for all these years. And now on top of everything, you're going out with Principal Newman! I mean, and you don't even tell me about it! My whole life has become about secrets, and I hate it! [sniffles]
Scott: [regretfully] I'm sorry. Forget about Principal Newman, all right? And forget about Santa. I'm done. [sees watch with magic counter at 0; sighs dejectedly] My time's up.
Charlie: Who cares anymore? [sniffles]
Toy Santa: [singing] ♪ Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ♪ Come on! Put a smile on that’ll face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock!
Elf: Who's there?
Toy Santa: Aren't you.
Elf: "Aren't you" who?
Toy Santa: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!
Lucy: Are you an elf?
Curtis: Why, no, of course not.
Lucy: Then why do you have pointy ears?
Curtis: Because I didn't eat my green vegetables. [leans closer] Do you eat your green vegetables?
Lucy: [feels her ears; wailing] Uncle Scott!
Curtis: The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL!
Scott: Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this?
Curtis: He's under house arrest.
Scott: [shocked] Bernard?
Curtis: Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save CHRISTMAS!
Scott: I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look. [shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero]
Curtis: [groans in frustration] I thought you had Comet.
Toy Santa: It's Scott, isn't it?
Scott: [sarcastically] Yeah. What are you supposed to be?
Toy Santa: A better, stronger version of what you used to be, with a flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens.
Scott: Listen to me, I'm back now. So, untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.
Toy Santa: Oh, I, uh- [mutters, then he inhales] No can do! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer! [laughs]
Bernard: Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Carol: Chet?
Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.
Scott: How much flight time has he had?
Bernard: About a minute-and-a-half.
Curtis: Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.
Scott: [sternly] Curtis.
Curtis: He's just a baby.
[The elves are being confronted by the toy soldiers in the courtyard]
Bernard: [to the elves] Snowballs on the count of 3! 1! [the elves drop to their knees and make snowballs] 2! [elves aim their snowballs] 3!
[Bernard and the elves throw their snowballs at the toy soldiers like crazy]
Bernard: Where are you going?
Scott: You should know this, number 1. It’s Christmastime. I've gotta deliver gifts.
Bernard: But, Santa, aren't you forgetting something?
Scott: No.
Bernard: You gotta get married.
Carol: Excuse me?
[The North Pole falls silent]
Scott: Carol, I, uh - I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus.
Carol: Oh. So that's what the whole "noodles-and-pie" thing - You just needed to find a wife.
Scott: No.
Carol: No?
Scott: Yes.
Carol: Yes?
Scott: Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling...in love.
Carol: You love me? [Scott nods] This is all happening so fast.
Scott: Well, there's, there's no pressure.
Carol: Good.
Scott: I mean, if I don't get married, I just won't deliver the gifts, and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole...will disappear, and Christmas will be gone.
Abby: Get down on one knee.
Scott: Hm?
Abby: Do it. [Scott does so] Now. Say "Carol..."
Scott: Carol...
Carol: Uh-huh? Yeah?
Abby: "..you say this is happening all so fast..."
Scott: ...you say this is happening all so fast...
Abby: "...but you've known me your whole life."
Scott: ...but you've known me your whole life.
Abby: "When you were little and alone..."
Scott: When you were little and alone...
Abby and Scott: Santa-
Scott: [to Abby] I can take it from here. [to Carol] Santa was always there for you. And I will be there for you, as long as you continue to believe in me. I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home, but I can guarantee you that this is worth it. This place-- This place is all about magic and love and wonder. And occasionally, a thin-crust pizza, and a movie and a long winter night.
Carol: Is there a school here?
Scott: [looks at Bernard, who nods] Yeah, we have one, a school, the elves, we need a new principal. Cause as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish. [Abby smiles and gives him a look as if to say "what do you mean?"] Carol, I love you.
Carol: You do?
Scott: Would you be my wife?
Abby: [whispers] "I will."
Carol: [whispers to Abby] Thank you. I've got it from here. [to Scott; happily] I will.
[They embrace]

Taglines

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  • Santa Claus is coming to town. November 1
  • Check it twice
  • What's Christmas Fun without some Reindeer Games?
  • Double hos, double nog.

Cast

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