The Muppet Show
The Muppet Show (1976–1978) was the brainchild of Jim Henson, and featured the Muppets, a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a "live" variety show hosted by Kermit the Frog. Each episode featured several "on stage" sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.
Season 1 (1977-1978)Edit
Juliet Prowse [1.01]Edit
- Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
- [Statler's cigar explodes.]
- Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
- Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT!
- Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
- Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
- Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
Connie Stevens [1.02]Edit
- Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
- Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
- Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
- Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
- Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
- Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
- Fozzie: That was my wife!
- Waldorf: More! More!
- Statler: No, not so loud: they may hear you!
Ruth Buzzi [1.04]Edit
- Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
- Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
- Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!
- Statler: Well, did you like the show?
- Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
Rita Moreno [1.05]Edit
- Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
- Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
- Waldorf: Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
Jim Nabors [1.06]Edit
- Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
- Scooter: Could you make it 25?
- Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
- Kermit: How about 30?
- Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
- Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
- Waldorf: You're on.
Florence Henderson [1.07]Edit
- Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
- Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
- Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
- Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
Paul Williams [1.08]Edit
- Janice: That man is annoying me.
- Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
- Janice: That's what's annoying me.
- Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
- Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
- Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
- Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.
- Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, Ok where were we? Pulse?
- Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse, Dr. Bob.
- Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
- Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
- Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
- Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
- Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten.
- Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
- Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
- Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
- Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)
Harvey Korman [1.10]Edit
- Harvey Korman: [as Maurice the Magnificent] Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
- Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
Lena Horne [1.11]Edit
Peter Ustinov [1.12]Edit
- Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.
Bruce Forsyth [1.13]Edit
- Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
- Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
Sandy Duncan [1.14]Edit
- Kermit: ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
- Crazy Harry: Did somebody say bang?
- Kermit: Uh, no. (Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box)
- Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
- Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
- Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
- Kermit: You pay him by the line?
- Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
- Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
Candice Bergen [1.15]Edit
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
- Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Avery Schreiber [1.16]Edit
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
Ben Vereen [1.17]Edit
- Nurse Piggy: It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
- Doctor Bob: Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Phyllis Diller [1.18]Edit
- Rowlf the Dog: You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!
Vincent Price [1.19]Edit
- Sam the Eagle: If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.
Valerie Harper [1.20]Edit
- Kermit: That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?
- Scooter: I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
- Hilda: That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
Ethel Merman [1.22]Edit
- Miss Piggy: [giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
- Ethel: Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?
Kaye Ballard [1.23]Edit
- Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
- Kermit: Oh, good!
- Floyd: If...
- Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
- Floyd: If I can write the new theme song.
- Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
- Floyd: No, it won't, man.
- Kermit: Uh, why not?
- Floyd: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
- Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
- Floyd: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
- Kermit: You don't?
- Floyd: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
Season 2 (1978-1979)Edit
Don Knotts [2.01]Edit
- Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
- Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
- Statler: The seats face the stage!
Zero Mostel [2.02]Edit
- Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
Milton Berle [2.03]Edit
- Milton Berle: I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Statler & Waldorf: Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
- Berle: Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning.
- Berle: You are the two guys that I hear about heckling from the box, huh?
- Berle: There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch.
- Berle: Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: What?
- Statler: Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
- Berle: Really?
- Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
- Berle: Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
- Statler: Well?
- Berle: Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
- Waldorf: How come we got this half?
- Berle: Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
- Statler: That's right.
- Berle: What's right?
- Statler: We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
- Waldorf: You first!
- Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks, With a nice child and a family of eight! Let me tells the story.
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
- Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
- Berle: What I'm doing wrong?
- Statler: Your standing too close to the audience.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? How is this?
- Statler: You're still too close.
- Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
- Statler: No a little more.
- Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
- Statler: You got a car?
- Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
- Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
- Berle: Doing what?
- Waldorf: Keeping people in!
- Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! That's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
- Waldorf: Please not while I'm holding it.
- Berle: That's very funny.
- Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
- Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
- Statler: How come they never reach your mouth?
- Berle: Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
- Statler: Oh, not so far!
- Berle: Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
- Statler: I couldn't do worse.
- Berle: Alright, well I dare you both to come here to entertain people.
- Waldorf: We should.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? You sing?
- Waldorf: No.
- Berle: You dance?
- Statler: No.
- Berle: Can you get laughs?
- Statler and Waldorf: No.
- Berle: Then what would you do?
- Waldorf: Just what your doing.
- Berle: Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
- Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
- Berle: DON'T! Listen, I had it with you guys. I'm not gonna put up with you anymore!
- Gonzo: Hi, how's it going Berle?
- Berle: It's going horrible. Listen, these guys have been picking on me, ever since I started.
- Gonzo: Could I help you out?
- Berle: Please.
- Gonzo: Which way did you came in?
- Berle: That does it! I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!
- Scooter: Oh, what's this?
- Fozzie: [in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?
Rich Little [2.04]Edit
- Kermit: A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
- Gonzo: How about a talking frog?
Judy Collins [2.05]Edit
- J.P.: [on the phone] Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.
- Sam the Eagle: [approaches the podium for the announcement] I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]
Nancy Walker [2.06]Edit
- Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
- Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
- Gonzo: Nothing.
- Fozzie: NOTHING'S ON STAGE?
- Kermit the Frog: Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy (ACHOOO!)
- Fozzie Bear: Awww, you blew it, too. It's Nancy Walker.
Edgar Bergen [2.07]Edit
- Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.
Steve Martin [2.08]Edit
- Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
- Fozzie: Yeah.
- Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
- Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
- Kermit: What the hey?
Madeline Kahn [2.09]Edit
- Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...
George Burns [2.10]Edit
- Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
- Fleet: What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
- Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
- Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!
Dom DeLuise [2.11]Edit
- Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...
Bernadette Peters [2.12]Edit
- Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
- Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
- Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!
Rudolf Nureyev [2.13]Edit
- Dr. Teeth: Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
- Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
- Dr. Teeth: Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.
Elton John [2.14]Edit
- Link Hogthrob: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
- Piggy: You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
- [Alarm went off on the control deck]
- Link Hogthrob: What does that red light mean?
- Dr. Julius Strangepork: Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
- Miss Piggy: No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
- Dr. Julius Strangepork: Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.
- Statler: We're look like members of the rock age!
- Waldorf: We're look more like members of the Stone Age! (Both laughed)
- Statler: So, what did you think?
- (Chef and chicken chase continues)
- Waldorf: I hate running gags!
- Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
- Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
- Floyd: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!
- [Fozzie has fallen off the stage]
- Statler: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
- Waldorf: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.
Cleo Laine [2.16]Edit
Julie Andrews [2.17]Edit
- Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!
Jaye P. Morgan [2.18]Edit
- Kermit: I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
- Jaye P.: Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.
Peter Sellers [2.19]Edit
- Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
- Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
- Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.
Petula Clark [2.20]Edit
- Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
- Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?
- Bob Hope: Are you ready to the song?
- The Talking Horse: Sure, Why not!
- Bob Hope: Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
- The Talking Horse: Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
- Bob Hope: (Ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette) (To the audience) Stereophonic horse! (Puts the cassette back into the tape deck)
Teresa Brewer [2.22]Edit
- First Mate Piggy: All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
- Capt. Link Hogthrob: Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
- Piggy: This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!
John Cleese [2.23]Edit
- John Cleese: I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
- Link: You can't be a pirate!
- John: Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?
- Parrot: You don't love me any more.
- John: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
- Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
- John: [pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?
Cloris Leachman [2.24]Edit
- Cloris: All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
- Kermit the Pig: Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
- Cloris: Oh, Kermit, it is you!
Season 3 (1979-1980)Edit
Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge [3.01]Edit
- Gonzo: What's the soup du jour?
- Gladys: Same as yesterday.
- Gonzo: Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
- Gladys: How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
- Gonzo: I want the chicken for company!
- Annie Sue: [to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?
- Kermit: What's all this smoke?
- Fozzie: Uh... that is not smoke.
- Kermit: It is not smoke? Then what is it?
- Fozzie: It's jet exhaust.
- Kermit: Jet exhaust?
- Fozzie: Oh, look out! Here comes another one!
- Scooter: [to the stage hands in the rafters] Hey, somebody kill that light!
- [Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]
Gilda Radner [3.04]Edit
- Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.
- Waldorf: Good night!
- Statler: So long!
- [Their hands are stuck in the handrail]
- Statler and Waldorf: (in unison) OH NO!
Pearl Bailey [3.05]Edit
- Janice: I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
- Kermit: Well, it's just a regular backstage space.
Jean Stapleton [3.06]Edit
- Jean: It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
- Kermit: What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
- Jean: Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.
- Statler: I liked that last number.
- Waldorf: What did you like about it?
- Statler: It was the LAST number! [they both laugh]
Alice Cooper [3.07]Edit
- Kermit: Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!
- Sam the Eagle: [to Alice] Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!
- Alice: Why, thank you!
- Sam the Eagle: [ashamed of this reaction] Freakos: one, civilization: zero! [leaves Alice Cooper behind]
Loretta Lynn [3.08]Edit
- Kermit: Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
- Gonzo: But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
- Door Guard: Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
- Gonzo: Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
- Guard: He's only seeing birds.
- Gonzo: I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
- Guard: You are not a real turkey.
- Gonzo: Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
Marisa Berenson [3.10]Edit
- Kermit: I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
- Miss Piggy: Well.. you only have one line.
- Kermit: I do?
- Miss Piggy: Exactly.
Raquel Welch [3.11]Edit
- Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
- Floyd: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]
James Coco [3.12]Edit
- Miss Piggy: You know, I really like the water.
- Kermit: Oh, I am glad.
- Miss Piggy: Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.
Helen Reddy [3.13]Edit
- Kermit: Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
- Beauregard: Oh, good.
- Kermit: Yeah. Just look at this mess.
- Beauregard: Okay, that sounds easy enough.
Harry Belafonte [3.14]Edit
- Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
- Rowlf the Dog: Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
- Fozzie: Go get them!
- Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
- Fozzie: Trust me.
Lesley Ann Warren [3.15]Edit
- Lesley: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
- Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.
Leslie Uggams [3.18]Edit
- Miss Piggy: Holy maracas!
- Big Bird: Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
- Miss Piggy: Huh. No kidding.
- Big Bird: I'm a friend of Kermit's.
- Miss Piggy: Oh.
- Big Bird: Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
- Miss Piggy: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
- Big Bird: Uh-huh. And who are you?
- Miss Piggy: Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
- Big Bird: Oh. Well, do you work around here?
- Miss Piggy: Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
- Big Bird: Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
- Miss Piggy: And, uh, do you know why it is there?
- Big Bird: Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
- Miss Piggy: I am the singing star of this show.
- Big Bird: A singing pig? That's very funny! (laughs)
- Miss Piggy: Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! [swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]
- Big Bird: Oh, you do acrobatics, too. (To the audience) She's very versatile.
- Waldorf: Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
- Statler: Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.
Elke Sommer [3.19]Edit
- Kermit the Frog: Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!
- Martha: George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
- George: Oh Martha, go back to sleep.
Sylvester Stallone [3.20]Edit
- Scooter: (Knocks at the guest stars' door)
- Sylvester Stallone: Come in?
- Scooter: (As he opens the guest stars' door) Sylvester Stallone, Sylvester Stallone? Fifteen seconds to curtains, Mr. Stallone. Is anything okay?
- Sylvester Stallone: Oh, Yes! I am happy as a clam!
- [We see three miserable clams coming by]
- Sylvester Stallone: Well, Happy at some clams.
- Kermit the Frog: Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called Rocky, Sylvester Stallone.
- [A group teenage girls jumps to the stage]
- Kermit the Frog: (To the girls) GET OUT OF THERE! (To the audience) Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
- One of the teenaged girl: Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
- Kermit the Frog: (To the girl) NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat. Uh, Curtains.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, We have to say goodbye. And we don't have much else to say. But before we go, We want to say thank you to our special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! YAYYYYYYYYYY!
- Sylvester Stallone: Well, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. I hope I didn't hurt you by talking to your punching bag.
- The Punching Bag: Come on, Stallone. Give us for peek sake for old time gag.
- Sylvester Stallone: Alright (He punches the punching bag)
- Kermit the Frog: Well, We will see you again next time on The Muppet Show! You all have been a wonderful laugh track.
Roger Miller [3.21]Edit
- Statler & Waldorf: (Chuckling)
- Waldorf: I bet you were expecting chickens
- Statler: Woof Woof Woof!
- Statler & Waldorf: (Laughing)
- Waldorf: Woof Woof!
- Statler: Woof Woof!
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans [3.22]Edit
- Kermit the Frog: Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
- Roy Rogers: Oh I'll be glad too. (To the audience) Until we again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
Cheryl Ladd [3.24]Edit
- Kermit: Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
- Gonzo: Sic 'em!
- Kermit: O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
- Chicken: Meow!!
- Kermit: Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
- Gonzo: Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
- Waldorf: That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
- Gonzo: You'll live to regret this!
- Statler: We intend to.
- Gonzo: But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
- Waldorf': No, but you do!
- Gonzo: What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
- Statler: That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
- Gonzo: It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!
Episodes 316 - 524 (Seasons 3-5: 1979-1981)
Shields and Yarnell [4.3]Edit
- Waldorf: Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
- Statler: What?
- Waldorf: It ends. (Both laugh)
Dudley Moore [4.7]Edit
- Scooter: Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds for Curtains, Mr. Moore!
- Dudley Moore: (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
- Scooter: Sure, Easy! (Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!)
Liza Minelli [4.9]Edit
- Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?
- Waldorf: Twenty years.
- Statler: If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. [Both laugh]
Kenny Rogers [4.10]Edit
- Statler and Waldorf: (singing) Why don't they make things funny?
Dizzy Gillespie [4.13]Edit
- Waldorf: KERMIT!
- Kermit the Frog: That sounds like Waldorf. (To Waldorf) What is it, Waldorf?
- Waldorf: Statler is not here tonight. He is sick from the swineflu. But he asked his wife to fill in for him.
- Kermit the Frog: And what is her name?
- Waldorf: Well, introduce yourself.
- Astoria: My name is Astoria, I am Waldorf's wife.
Mark Hamill [4.17]Edit
- Kermit: Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.
- Waldorf: Do you think there's life in outer space?
- Statler: There's certainly none in this theater. (both of them laugh)
Christopher Reeve [4.18]Edit
- Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.
- Statler: Why?
- Waldorf: I forgot. (Both laugh)
Lynda Carter [4.19]Edit
- Scooter: Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
- Lynda Carter: I know, I know, 15 seconds to curtains.
- Scooter: WOW! You can read my mind!
- Lynda Carter: No! I am reading the script.
- Scooter: No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.
- Miss Piggy: Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!
- Waldorf: [seeing Statler dressed as a money-themed superhero] Hey! You've turned into...
- Statler: [dramatically] Money Man!
Andy Williams [4.22]Edit
- Statler: I'm going to see my lawyer!
- Waldorf: Why?
- Statler: I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!
Diana Ross [4.24]Edit
- Fozzie Bear: [running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage] Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
- [Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"]
- Statler: You gave him a one?
- Waldorf: He's never been better.
- Narrator: Is this the end of Pigs in Space?
- Audience: YES!
- Narrator: Then tune in next time for another....
- Audience: NO!
- Narrator: Okay, Don't. See what I care.
Lorreta Swit [5.1]Edit
- Scooter Congratulations, Kermit.
- Kermit the Frog: On what?
- Scooter: That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down Las Vegas.
- Kemrit the Frog: (Gasp and shocked) Piggy, PIGGY?!?
- Miss Piggy: What is it, Kermie?
- Kermit the Frog: That photographer. He is from Tongue Magazine.
- Miss Piggy: Well...
- Kermit the Frog: IT WAS A COVER STORY, IT WAS ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
- Miss Piggy: But I though...
- Kermit the Frog: THAT'S A BOLD-FACE LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT HANG AROUND WHEN YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE DONE TO ME TO MANY TIMES, PIGGY. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! NO, I WON'T STAND FOR IT!
- Miss Piggy: Then what are going to do?!?
- Kermit the Frog: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY. I AM GOING TO "FIRE" YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED! (Takes deep breaths from his meltdown)
- Miss Piggy: But I am supposed be in the next number.
- Kermit the Frog: I will can, (To the intercom) Please, Cancel the next number. Bring in the snores chorus on stage.
- Miss Piggy:: You can't fire me. I am actress model.
- Kermit the Frog: YOU CAN BE REPLACED, YOU KNOW.
- Scooter: BOSS, The Snorers are putting audience.
- Kermit the Frog: Alright, I'll introduce Loretta, then. SNORERS, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
- Miss Piggy: They can't fire me.
- One of the snorers: I don't know, I was sleeping all the time.
- Kermit the Frog: AND NOW (Calmly) And now ladies and gentlemen, here is our special guest star, Miss Loretta Swit! YAYYYYYYYY!
- Loretta Swit: Who going to take over the talent, and one verb?
- Kermit the Frog: Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
- Loretta Swit: (Goes hyper as she lets go of Miss Piggy) I'D LOVE TO!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, Good.
- Loretta Swit: Do you think the uniform will fit.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh yes, Anybody can do that.
- Tongue Magazine Photographer: Uh, Piggy. Do you work here?
- Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)
- Miss Piggy: Now, why did I resigned?
- Kermit the Frog: No, Piggy. You were not resigned. You violated my policy and work, You were fired.
- Miss Piggy: But I am sorry, Kermie.
- Kermit the Frog: It was the cover story that you made me very upset. (To Scooter) Oh, Scooter?
- Scooter: Yes, Boss?
- Kermit the Frog: Could you ask Loretta if she can take over Miss Piggy's place on Pigs in Space?
- Loretta Swit: (In her First Mate Piggy costume) I'D LOVE TO!
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: (After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine) I have got one thing to say, HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP! (Runs in a panic attack)
Carol Burnett [5.15]Edit
- Carol Burnett: Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
- Kermit: What were the other two?
- Carol Burnett: There are no other two; I was just being kind.
Gladys Knight [5.16]Edit
- [During the Opening number]
- Archeologist: Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
- Sacarogi: When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!
Hal Linden [5.17]Edit
- Statler: Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
- Waldorf: Yeah, And for the show, too.
- Statler: So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
- Kermit the Frog: (As he goes on Stage) YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
- Hal Linden: Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
- Waldorf: It sure is.
- Statler: Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
- Hal Linden: Has it really?
- Kermit the Frog: Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
- Hal Linden: What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
- Fozie Bear: Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
- Kermit the Frog: And Hal, You're a big part of it.
- Hal Linden: Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
- [Everybody laughs]
- Waldorf: Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there (exits the stage)
- Statler: We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! (exits the stage).
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on The Muppet Show.
- Fozzie Bear: Bye!
Marty Feldman [5.18]Edit
- Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
- Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
Gene Kelly [5.24]Edit
- Miss Piggy: When will we get there?
- Dr. Julius Strangepork: In about 1 minute from, NOW!
- [We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]
- News Anchor: (Interrupting the Pigs in Space sketch) Here is a Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning of purpose of life has just been announce... Uh, wait a minute. Wrong one. I had it a minute ago, Now where is it? (To the crew member) HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU ARE STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?
- Beauregard: You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
- Kermit the Frog: UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! (To the audience) We will see in you in reruns of The Muppet Show!
- Ladies and gentlemen, It's The Muppet Show!
- It's time to play the music
- It's time to light the lights
- It's time to meet the Muppets
- on The Muppet Show tonight
- It's time to put on makeup
- It's time to dress up right
- It's time to raise the curtain
- on The Muppet Show tonight
- Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket?
- Am I too hip for the room?
- To introduce this record
- That's what I'm here to do
- So it really makes me happy
- To introduce to you...
- The first original, genuine, no-money-back guaranteed Muppet Show cast album!
But now let's get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational! This is what we call The Muppet Show!
(Gonzo strikes a gong)
- It's The Muppet Show!, and this is the one and only, very first second Muppet Show cast album!
- It's time to play the music
- It's time to light the lights
- It's time to meet the Muppets
- on The Muppet Show tonight
- It's time to put on makeup
- It's time to dress up right
- It's time to get things started
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational! This is what we call The Muppet Show!
(Gonzo blows his trumpet)